Monday, September 18, 2006

Jeff: the face in the mirror

What the hell do 14-year olds do with the free time? The weekend crawled by. Being grounded and all there wasn't much to do other than lock myself in my room and kill the hours until Monday. Even tricked myself into looking forward to heading back to school. Yeah, sure. Then it's classes and all these kids and the stress of living somebody else's life and not screwing up.

But... no. I'll talk about that some other time. I promised I'd try and write something less... neurotic, I guess. Something that won't have me near tears by the time I'm done. Though how weird is that, huh? Seriously, I haven't cried in ages. After the bitch split and left Pop alone, I had to grow up really quick, you know? Oldest brother and all that, help out around the house, help raise Sis and my brothers, get a job when I was old enough. It was tough, but what kinda help would I've been if I cried myself to sleep every night, eh? Can't remember the last time I cried. Well, until this crazy shit happened. Now my mood's all over the freakin' place and it's scary sometimes and I can't figure out why. Other than the obvious, I guess.

Gah. I'm doing it again. Okay. I'll write a bit more about Brianna. Maybe someday, when I'm back in the right body I can look back on these entries and laugh and laugh and laugh....

I think the thing about this girl that freaks me out the most, other than the obvious of course... you know, the fact that she's a girl... is just how small I feel. I was a big guy. Six feet, you know, and didn't have much fat. Played on a lot of the teams at school. Guess I was a bit of a jock, really, but of course the family made it tough to get serious about any sport. Soccer was my favourite but tried a little of everything and was good at everything I tried. Not great, but above average.

Now... everything just seems bigger, harsher, harder... scarier. Yeah, scarier. I'm not used to feeling scared. And listen, I know there's nothing to really be scared about. It's not like the school's dangerous or anything. But I used to walk down school hallways and if somebody wasn't watching where they were going, they'd just kind of bounce off of me. Now? Today I was rushing to my next class and wasn't paying attention and slammed into a senior... fell on my ass. Sent my books flying everywhere.
Having the guy pull me to my feet and help pick up my crap just made me feel worse. The fact I was wearing a skirt just made it all the more embarrassing. When I was fourteen, I lived for a free glimpse of panty. Hope they enjoyed the show, the little shits.

So I'm small, and light and weak. Brianna isn't much for sports by the look of things. Doesn't seem like she was much for anything. She's got friends at school--I'll get around to that someday--but doesn't seem to be involved in anything. Not that great academically either. That 'B' I got in bio? Teacher was ecstatic at the improvement, he said. Told me I was finally applying myself and that he'd always known I could get higher than a C.

I don't quite get it, to be honest. The girl's rich. And she's cute. Rich cute girls rule high school, right? That just the natural order of things. And I get the impression that Brianna's got some kind of power with the kids her age, but at the same time she seems completely disconnected from the school. Obviously I've been kind of distant since school started after Labour Day and people seem happy to give me room.

At least she doesn't have a boyfriend! Surprising, really. Sure, she's kind of young but like that makes a difference. I know Sis is dating. She thinks I don't know but Mark's a decent kid... better than that jerk I scared off a few months back. Guess that's not my responsibility anymore.

Brianna's doesn't have an older brother, the parents aren't around much... where're the guys? They should be like wolves at the door. I would've hit on me, you know?

Wow. How pervy is that? I do everything I can to avoid seeing myself in the mirror, especially when I'm naked, because this girl, she really is hot, even for a fourteen year old. I'm glad Sis didn't, uh, blossom this much this early. But Brianna did, and now I'm her, and my own body makes me feel like I'm a sicko. Her clothes are definitely on the girly side, and wearing them still makes me feel all shakey on the inside, like I'm doing something really wrong.

This is as happy as my life gets, people. I hope those guys heading back to the cabin find some good news. I've got to get out of this hell or I'll go crazy or something.

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