I don't think I've ever looked forward to a friday as much as I have this week.
Because you know what? I don't know if I can do this. I really don't know if I can do this--live this other life, be Brianna, go through school again. Be a girl. Why the hell is this happening to me? Am I supposed to learn a lesson from this shit? Is there a point? Or is it just a cruel joke? In school Mr Adams--yeah, I've slipped right back into it, back to calling everyone Mr this and Mrs that--made the leap from mitochondria to evolution. He got really excited about some connection but it's not like I was paying much attention. Anyway, we're supposed to be amazing adaptable, us humans.
Adaptable. Sure. So I take off on a trip I'm already feeling guilty about and suddenly I lose four years, about half my body weight and a foot in height. Oh yeah, and I'm a chick, suddenly, as well. And I guess I'm just supposed to adapt. Half the human population gets by and everything, and we all wander away from that beach house and try to carry on with our lives. With out stolen lives.
And sure, it could be worse! I've been checking out the blog, seeing how the other guys are doing. Like Art pointed out: at least I'm not sharing my bed with anyone. Unlike Jake, I'm not having money problems--completely the opposite. God, I used to hate those poor whiny rich kids--not that we had many at my old school, you know?--and now I am one. Reading over the blog, it kinda seems people are, you know, surviving. Even the stuff I wrote... and I can't tell you how often I thought of going back and editing or just erasing most of it... yeah, I'm complaining a lot but I'm getting on. And that's because words can't
Holy fuck, but am I the only one who's totally freaking out here? Read between the lines and people? I'm absolutely terrified! I'm crying myself to sleep for chrissake and I haven't cried in... I don't cry... shit I'm about to lose it now and
I can moan about losing height or my family but what it's really about is when I look down and see what I've really lost. I don't have a penis anymore, goddamn it! And you can damn well believe I want it back! Can you understand how... shit, I mean, it's just gone, you know, and that changes like...
It changes everything.
Hell. Why do I write in this thing? I always end up dealing with stuff I'd rather try and not think about. Maybe next time I'll write about something easy, maybe a bit more about Brianna. She's one screwed up chick, this girl I've become.
PS. I got a B on that Biology test from earlier this week. Hurray.
7 comments:
Losing your penis is one thing, but it's just a body part. You're upset because you've lost the privileges of manhood. You've found yourself in a situation that will require you -- by dint of your new physicality, your social status, your hormones -- to take a secondary role to men. Natural women are born and grow into this role. You were not. You know what you've lost, and what you've traded it for: a life of humiliation, weakness and submission.
Hell, there's such a lot going on here, everyone's bound to have their own take. Personally I can't help thinking that for me it would be the whole wrenched away from family and friends, trying to cope in a strange environment thing that would hurt more than anything. I mean, suppose you were a 14-year old boy stranded in a strange body and a strange life, would you really feel much better? Maybe you would.
You sound like you're suffering serious stress - no surprise. You must be under a lot of pressure of expectation, I don't mean to do X or Y, but to be a certain way, people will think they know you and think you know them. And you will have little or no power over any of it. That's possibly the difference between you and the other guys. You are powerless and dependent much more than they are. Being a kid again, being dependent on parents you don't know or trust or much like (from the sound of it) will take it out of you. Is there anything you can do to take some control over your life? I mean, I know this sounds a bit lame, but is there anything you liked to do before that you can still do now? Anything at all that can be you, not Brianna? If you can join some club or hang out somewhere where they don't know Brianna, have fewer expectations of you, it could take some of the pressure off you, maybe let you be yourself a bit more. And this sounds really girly, but you could try a change of style, dress differently, get a hair cut, (cut it short, try being a tomboy!) Even the littlest thing that you can tell yourself is yours and is down to you could make you feel a wee bit better.
And if I were you I'd ignore that rubbish about humiliation and submission. I think the "privileges of manhood" are probably overrated, especially when you're 14. You will make your own life. It's all about attitude.
And well done on the test btw. It'll all come back to you now, you'll see.
Yea, anon, what is all this about humiliation and submission? I don't feel that way at all. I kind of like the left over traces of chivalry that are still around. Right now, in this decade, it's like we have the best of both worlds. True, the margin on pay between sexes sucks, but it's going to get better if women push for equal pay. Maybe you are not from Boston. I like being a woman in Boston. I feel like I can do anything I want if I only try.
This blog makes me think about what it would be like to become a man. I think it would be much less traumatic than the reverse. I would kind of like seeing what all this talk is about men having better sex, and I think I would know how to approach women and they are all so darn interesting looking, I would love to be on the other side of courting. From my perspective, men are all the same after a while. You never know what a woman is going to say or be like. So the only problem with a change like that for me would be having to pick just one woman and keeping myself from falling in love with everyone I saw.
Hmm, but this blog is not about me, is it. You are in a tricky spot guy. Hang in there. Maybe get some therapy.
KM
Holy crap, didn't realize people actually read this thing. Yeah, I realize you're probably just humouring me--ha ha, good one, guy gets 'magically' turned into a girl--but still... it helps. It really does.
Donald: I really don't know. Maybe you're right--I need to take charge of my life... of this life, or something. I just don't _know_ this life yet and I'm worried changing anything might blow up in my face. I keep hoping I'll wake up the next day and... be Jeff again.
Km: believe me, being a guy rocks. I'd give anything to go back...
And finally, anon: dude, it is _not_ just a body part! It's... it's my penis, man! I don't know about all that other stuff, I just know I'd give anything to be able to write my name in the snow again.
km: "I would kind of like seeing what all this talk is about men having better sex..."
I must have missed that talk. We in our turn wonder about this multiple orgasms business. Remember Tiresias claimed that women enjoyed sex ten times more than men and he should know. (Though those ancient Greeks had their peculiar prejudices.)
"You never know what a woman is going to say or be like."
Yeah, you never know what new way they'll come up with to say, "You're very sweet, but no thanks."
Jeff, don't be thinking long term at this stage. It's a matter of personal survival, one day at a time. So long as you don't get Brianna expelled, disablingly injured or pregnant (but I'm sure you have no plans in that direction!) anything you do that helps make today slightly better is worth doing and I'm sure Brianna, wherever she is, will understand.
I have to say that, in itself, being a guy does not rock. Maybe being you rocked and, if so, it can rock again.
Pregnant? Holy shit, I hadn't even thought of that!
Great. Guess I'm not sleeping tonight either.
Donald,
Just for your information I have never had multiple orgasms as often described in magazines and if it were possible to have them, I am the girl who would have figured it out. I bet very few women can do this and the rests are faking. And thanks for depressing my dream by reminding me of what its like to be declined. So I can no longer enjoy my fantasy of becoming a man, now I have to live in fear of such a situation since you've made it sound so painful and depressing. Thanks a lot.
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