I don't think I've ever looked forward to a friday as much as I have this week.
Because you know what? I don't know if I can do this. I really don't know if I can do this--live this other life, be Brianna, go through school again. Be a girl. Why the hell is this happening to me? Am I supposed to learn a lesson from this shit? Is there a point? Or is it just a cruel joke? In school Mr Adams--yeah, I've slipped right back into it, back to calling everyone Mr this and Mrs that--made the leap from mitochondria to evolution. He got really excited about some connection but it's not like I was paying much attention. Anyway, we're supposed to be amazing adaptable, us humans.
Adaptable. Sure. So I take off on a trip I'm already feeling guilty about and suddenly I lose four years, about half my body weight and a foot in height. Oh yeah, and I'm a chick, suddenly, as well. And I guess I'm just supposed to adapt. Half the human population gets by and everything, and we all wander away from that beach house and try to carry on with our lives. With out stolen lives.
And sure, it could be worse! I've been checking out the blog, seeing how the other guys are doing. Like Art pointed out: at least I'm not sharing my bed with anyone. Unlike Jake, I'm not having money problems--completely the opposite. God, I used to hate those poor whiny rich kids--not that we had many at my old school, you know?--and now I am one. Reading over the blog, it kinda seems people are, you know, surviving. Even the stuff I wrote... and I can't tell you how often I thought of going back and editing or just erasing most of it... yeah, I'm complaining a lot but I'm getting on. And that's because words can't
Holy fuck, but am I the only one who's totally freaking out here? Read between the lines and people? I'm absolutely terrified! I'm crying myself to sleep for chrissake and I haven't cried in... I don't cry... shit I'm about to lose it now and
I can moan about losing height or my family but what it's really about is when I look down and see what I've really lost. I don't have a penis anymore, goddamn it! And you can damn well believe I want it back! Can you understand how... shit, I mean, it's just gone, you know, and that changes like...
It changes everything.
Hell. Why do I write in this thing? I always end up dealing with stuff I'd rather try and not think about. Maybe next time I'll write about something easy, maybe a bit more about Brianna. She's one screwed up chick, this girl I've become.
PS. I got a B on that Biology test from earlier this week. Hurray.