Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Jeff: All Good

It's strange, but I feel kind of bad for neglecting this thing. It's not like I've ever kept a diary or anything before, but having started it's always kind of hanging around my neck. Kinda like an albatross or something.

Yeah, been studying a little poetry in English this week. Didn't touch Coleridge first time through high school. Seems a bit heavy to be tackling in grade 10 but hey, Ms Tanaka's a bit of a hardass.

Anyway, I'm left kind of wondering if the whole diary thing is just something I never bothered with before because, as Jeff, I just never had the time... or if it's something left over from Brianna. It's a scary thought, that bits and pieces of her might be floating around in my head, having some kind of influence on who I am and what I do. I'm me, yeah, and I think I'm still thinking like the guy I spent almost twenty years as... but sometimes I do something that really freaks me out and I wonder, you know, if there's still a bit of Bree in me. Like the diary thing.

Ever since that damn cabin I've been walking on eggshells since I didn't know a thing about this life I've taken over. This Brianna, I'm getting the impression she was a bit of a messed up girl, realy self-absorbed and shit. A bit of a bitch, to be honest. And now...

A couple days ago I was kind of searching through her... I mean my... room. You'd think I wouldn've done that the first week but I never really bothered. I kept thinking I was going to go back to being Jeff or something and kept putting it off. Except now I'm not so sure, and ever since that first night out with Colin I'm trying to... I dunno, engage with this new life of mine. So I tried to figure out a bit more about who I now am by looking through my room.

Go figure, but I found a stack of diaries. Looks like Brianna liked to write. A lot. Years worth of the shit. So I've started reading up on who I am. Not exactly thrilling stuff, but fascinating in some kind of twisted way. I'll write more about that once I've actually read a bit more.

In any case, the reason I haven't been writing is a good one. Life's--and by 'life' I mean 'school' since, really, at 14 school is my life, mostly--been busy. Really busy. Brianna might not've been one for getting involved at school but I'll be damned if I'm going to live my life the same way. Seems like she never joined any clubs or activities or anything. Me--Jeff--even with all the responsibilities back home I had a toe in eveything. Well, most of the sports teams, anyway, and a couple of other things here and there.

Yeah, but of course it's a bit different as Brianna. It's not just that I'm 14 and a girl. I'm not exactly getting invited to join the football team, you know? But...

Well, soccer's always been my favourite, and they do have a girl's soccer team. So I've signed up for that and it's chewing up a lot of my time. Brianna might not've been in the best of shape, but I'm compensating for some of that with a touch of skill. Got to be a bit carefull... I might run out of breath easy, but if I play full out people are going to start wondering how I suddenly got so good.

So that's cool... some of it isn't. There's this one girl, Jo... not sure what to say about her. She's an odd one. I think she's got some kind of connection with Brianna--with me--but I haven't sussed it out. Anyway, she kind of sneered at me after I joined the team and assumed I did it for some kind of snide ironic reason or something.

"What next," I remember her asking me. "Going to join the cheerleaders?"

"Maybe I am!" I fired back. Don't know why. Wish I hadn't. Because she's harasssing me every day to damn well join, and now she's got these flighty super-keen types chasing after me as well. Ugh. Not likely. Like I've got the time, anyway. I also got sucked into the school newspaper. Personally, I blame this blog. It's got me writing, and Tanaka noticed, and next thing I knew was I writing up crap stories for the weekly paper. What the hell's up with that?

But whatever. What I should be writing about is that first... 'date'. Except I've used up my time here. I'll catch up on that soon. It was... well, it was a pretty messed up night, to be honest.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Good for you getting on the soccer team. I think it's the way forward.