Jaci - Misery & Kat
I am beginning to not like being pregnant anymore. My feet swell, I get heartburn, and I can't sleep at night. Not to mention the hundreds of trips I make to the bathroom everyday. The babies are constantly moving around which is the most amazing feeling in the world but it makes it hard to breathe. I'm back to work which is nice but man does it make me tired. It amazes me how I can be more tired now working a simple 8 hour shift than I was working 2 jobs 16 hours a day. Apparently it takes a lot of energy to grow one baby, let alone 2.
Enough whining for now. I heard from Kat the other day. More accurately, she sent me a text message. I know she is off trying to find herself and all but I was totally shocked to hear that she had picked Las Vegas. Its the last place I ever would have imagined her being. I don't think she's gambling but what do I know. I hope she finds what she is looking for while she is there. And if, by chance, she should win a large sum of money that she shares with the rest of us.
Labels: Jaci, Kat, Las Vegas, pregnancy
Darren/Jaime: The Power to Choose
Yesterday Mark asked me to meet him for coffee. He said it was important. Lately he's been on this mission to make me more girly. The last "important" thing we did was shop for shoes. He made me buy a pair even though he knows I'm not going to be in Jaime's body much longer. But for some reason I know it makes him feel better if I just go along with it.
I play along for a couple reasons. It seems to make him happy. Maybe he feels like he is helping me? I can appreciate that, but I've learned more than I ever wanted to know about being a girl. I'd rather he'd teach me some trick to get through a period without getting bent out of shape instead of encouraging me to use makeup. The things I put up with for a friend.
I guess a part of me feels a little guilty too. This past year I've whined, complained, and been pretty depressed. Sure its understandable, but at the same time that isn't the real me regardless of whoever's body I'm in now. I've been so caught up in my own problems that I've lost all perspective. Things could have been much worse for me.
As much as I dislike living Jaime's life it wasn't anything like Ginessa's. Mark didn't really have the time that I had to indulge in self pity. Immediately after the transformation he found himself virtually alone. His only friend was Vinessa. But even though they had each other they were practically penniless. Acting is a tough profession. Some actors don't even get paid to act. They act to get noticed. Its about the only thing you can do if you don't have an agent or other connections.
It wasn't long before each of them were pulling twelve hour shifts at diners just to have enough money to pay the rent. By comparison Jaime left me with tons of money, a free appartment, and a job where I get paid to write about what I've eaten. Compare that to the times where Mark and Vinessa only ate once a day for a month. Sometimes I think its too bad Mark didn't get put in Jaime's body. After the way he's adjusted to being a woman he'd definitely be having more fun then I've had. In fact if he'd become Jaime he would have never been in a position to be deported. With Jaime's father's clout he would have had options. Mark would never have had to get married.
It does make me wonder though. We get along so well because we have so many of the same interests. Once we were talking about the first times we each fired a weapon. We were both hunting with our fathers. We talk football, politics, even girls if you can imagine it. Even though we're chicks we still have a strong appreciation for the ladies.
Yet despite all that survives of his former male self when I hang out with Mark I don't think of him as a man. Sometimes its hard to think of him as a "he" rather than a "she" and at times I want to say "Ginessa" instead of Mark. And despite all our "guy" talk I sense that Mark is holding back much more. On some level he wants to be sharing "girl" stuff with me too.
Mark has tried; but I let him when I'm not interested. I know its selfish but there are some things I just don't feel comfortable talking about such as his marriage or husband or sex! By the way Mark's husband's name is Gavin. I don't think I've ever mentioned that. Anyway, its hard talking to Mark about these things. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but its painful to hear one guy speak so intimately about another guy. Despite the circumstances of the marriage Mark really does like being married to Gavin.
So maybe that's why I wasn't too suprised when Mark told me his important news.
"Darren, you know you're one of my closest friends now don't you? In some ways you can relate to me more than Vinessa simply because she never used to be a man. I know how you feel about things right now and I know its been tough for you this past year. You probably don't want to hear this but I really hope you'll understand me," Mark paused and took my hand. I responded by holding tightly. I tried to nod supportingly but in the back of my mind I felt as if bad news was to come.
"Sure Mark, I know you know how I feel. You've been a big help to me. I'm very happy to have you as a friend," I replied trying to clear my throat of any doubt in my voice. Mark smiled and then took a deep breath.
"Well, for starters Darren I want you to call me Ginessa." The moment he said the words I thought of Ashlyn and Kat. Mark could feel my hand loosening its grip so he squeezed tigher. I was about to start up when he continued, "I know how you feel about this. You think I'm giving up, and in one sense I am, but what you don't understand is how much more I've gained. I may not like everything about being a woman, but I feel very comfortable with the new me. All of it just feels right. I know you want to argue but I hope you won't. And before you say something I want you to know that I love Gavin."
I was searching for words because he was looking at me expecting the worse. I felt myself smiling the kind smile you make just to be polite or to make others feel okay in an awkward situation.
"What does Vinessa think," I asked partly to buy time as the realization sunk in.
"You know its difficult for her too. Its always been hard for her looking at the face of her sister and knowing that the person behing these eyes is really someone else. I was suprised at how she took it. Vinessa knows neither of us wanted this; but we've each made the best of our situations. In all this time we've heard nothing from the people who took our lives or from the real Ginessa. She was teary eyed but she understands why I've made this decision."
"Then why?"
"Because at some point you need to face facts. And more importandly I need start living the life that Iwant. And honestly I want this life." He smiled hopefully wanting to see a glimmer of acceptance from me. So I did the only thing I could think of doing. I played along. I lied.
"You're right, I understand," I replied quickly leaning in to give "Ginessa" a hug of support. When in fact I didn't want him to look into my eyes and risk betraying my real feelings. Coffee ended soon after, but not before agreeing to dinner this weekend at her place. She wants to cook for Gavin, Vinessa and I.
When I got home I expected to cry or get angry but I didn't. Instead I just accepted it. A part of me just felt as if it were a matter a time. It was futile to argue and honestly I cared just a little less. Mark was right. Its his life. We all have a choice. Mark chooses to be Ginessa. And, I choose to be Darren!
Labels: Ginessa, Mark, Vinessa
Darren / Jaime - Back Online
What can I say? I haven't post in a couple months.
At first I just stopped caring. I mean what was the point really? I started writing here to keep in touch with people who could relate with what I was going through. I was looking for a little support and the feeling that I wasn't alone. For a while I felt that. But recently I haven't.
The others on the blog seem to be getting more comfortable with their new identities where as I've never really felt that about my own transformation. If anything I've been moving steadily in the other direction. Since reconnecting with my real body, Alica and I have worked out a plan. If all goes well I'll be back to being myself again at the end of July. Unfortunately, the Inn books up quickly. It was hard reserving two consecutive weeks in a row especially in the middle of summer.
Fortunately there have been a number of cancellations. I guess its not that suprising. Everyone's concerned about the ecconomy. Guess a few people decided to save a little extra money by not going on another vacation. Funny how none of them will ever know how much they really saved.
I was excited when I managed to book the rooms and was going to post about it; but then my computer crashed. Apparently I'd downloaded a virus. Plus when I took it into the store to get it checked out; the tech told me there was a hardware issue. Bottom line I lost most of the stuff on the computer including Jaime's notes on her life.
As if losing a computer wasn't bad enough I had to go shopping for a new one. Now I'm not an expert when it comes to computers; but I know enough about them. I'm going to be a communications officer after all. But when I went to the computer store I kept getting harrassed by salesmen and they weren't just interested in selling me a new laptop. Either they wanted my number or to just sneak a peak. Its naturally easy to say "no" and I've gotten better at ignoring the looks from men; but what still really pisses me off is how people assume I don't know much about anything. Whether its buying a computer or asking for directions I always feel like I'm being spoken to as a child. I really hope I never acted like that around women.
That's not to say everything has been bad. I'll admit I'm a little more at ease with my self. Mark and Vinessa have seen to that. I've made two good new friends. I guess that's another reason I havn't been posting as much. The two of them have been keeping me busy. Each Friday Mark and I get together for drinks and every other weekend we see Vinessa at a party. Both of them are happy to have me around.
Vinessa is appreciative that I mentioned her immigration problems to Jaime's father and honestly I think Mark is just lonely. Sure he may seem confident and happy but the more time I spend with him the more I realize how much Mark wants attention. Mark may be married but he doesn't see much of his "husband". And thus far, as Ginessa, Mark really hasn't found his way into the more popular social circles at the parties he gets dragged to. He wants a friend or at the very least some company. So I guess that's why I've become his special project lately. A full course that includes wearing more feminine clothes and learning to walk in heels. Mark wants to be my teacher and if it makes him feel better I'm willing to play along up to a point. I drew the line at make up and thus far that line in the sand hasn't been crossed.
Anyway its more for his benefit than mine. It won't matter for much longer. Three more months and I'm a free MAN again!
Later,
Darren
Labels: Alicia, Mark, reservation, special project, Vinessa, virus
Arthur/Penny: If you think I'm providing a link, you're nuts.
I should have known this was going to happen, but I didn't. I've got half a mind to fire "Rick", quite honestly, even though he's got a
small point when he says that he's only been working as an agent for less than a year and thus couldn't be expected to anticipate this. My initial instinct is to call bullshit, because he's sort of been anticipating this ever since we wound up in these lives, but I probably won't.
It just goes to show how ignorant I can be that I didn't have any idea what was going on until Tuesday. I had decided not to go to bed at all Monday night, since I was going to watch the A's game at 3am (7pm Tokyo time) and getting just three or four hours of sleep is pretty useless. I put in some late-night time on the treadmill before the game started, then got out the laptop so that I could do some re-writing and surfing done while mostly paying attention to the TV.
I wasn't surprised to see Lyn on at the same time. She IMed me first, asking if if I was up late or early. "Late," I typed. "You?"
"Early. Got a lunch shift. I probably wouldn't be up at all, but Matt's watching it at the station and wants to chat with me so it would like we're in the same room."
"Aw. That's sickening."
"Hey, someday you'll meet the right guy and you'll be doing stuff like that too."
"I don't know if I'm ever going to be that much of a girl."
"Hey, a year and a half ago,
you couldn't imagine dressing up as a schoolgirl, but you make a damn hot cheerleader!"
I tensed up a little behind my keyboard, but typed that I chickened out.
"Liar! It's on YouTube." Link. Link. Link. Link.
I took a moment to follow the links Lyn sent me, becoming more mortified with each one, especially some of the comments on them. The fact that they appeared to have been typed by illiterates didn't do much to camouflage their crudity.
"Oh my god... I don't know what's worse, that these things exist or that you must have gone looking for them! Please tell me that your secret admirer sent them to you or something!"
"Hey, you can't expect a girl not to be curious after that
cliffhanger. But come on, you pulled it off, you were classy. Those people would make comments like that if they found pictures of their mothers online!"
I found that less than reassuring, and changed the subject to stuff like Matt being "the right guy" or why she was still working at Headlights. And the game. I'm afraid I jinxed the A's during the ninth, saying I was about ready to go to bed just before the Red Sox tied it up. Lyn taunted me for that.
I was doing the scorecast the next night, and told George about these clips, saying I'd really appreciate it if the network could lean on Google to take the clips down - that was copyrighted CalSports footage, after all! He said he'd see what he could do. I wound up staying up all night at the studio - the weird hours for the games in Japan meant that instead of just shooting a bit that could be edited into the program for the morning repeats, we stayed up and watched the game, rewriting copy so that we'd be able to just shoot a new bit when the game finally ended at six.
It was a busy weekend - a Saturday game in Edmonton - so I didn't get a chance to see whether the videos were taken down. They were not, and it was almost like George forgot that I'd even wanted that. I came in yesterday to do a scorecast and he was giving me the good news about how ratings for the games were up 40% this weekend. The higher-ups at the network were really pleased, he said, and were probably going to talk to Rick about offering me a full-time contract.
I was a bit sarcastic, I think - something about whether or not they'd be reconfiguring the set so that the audience could see my belly button during the show, or whether cleavage would be enough. That raised some eyebrows, so George took me aside, saying that this was a good thing - maybe some of the people that tuned in to look at me would get into lacrosse, or I'd be able to work on more prominent assignments - this was a good thing!
I said I guess, if you just wanted to call games and read scores. I'd worn the outfit to call attention to the story, and it didn't sound like it was going to lead to more stories, which was what I really wanted to do. George said he could see my enthusiasm for it, but that's not the way it usually worked in television - they tend to do work with the local papers, and the promotion path goes toward more on-screen time.
I did the broadcast, but decided to go in to talk to Rick today. He said he was just about to call;
Maxim had contacted him again about getting me for a pictorial. I pointed out that I'd said no the
last time, and he said that the stuff on the internet seemed to indicate that I might have loosened up about that.
No, I said, I hadn't, and I would really like him to start talking me up for more creative/reporting work, because I don't know how much more I'm going to want to work for CalSports after my Stealth commitment is up. He says he thinks that would be a big mistake, and I said, yeah, maybe for Nell, but I'm not her, and I'd like to live something resembling my life as much as hers.
-Art/Penny
Labels: Arthur, Ashlyn, CalSports, career, Drew, George, lacrosse, Penny, Rick
