After moping around for the last few months, it's nice that the craziness of the last few weeks have forced me to get my mind off myself. This probably isn't going to be the type of post you guys generally expect or want from us, but I felt like I needed to clear my head a bit and this is my best outlet.
I've moved on a bit. Last time I checked in on herem I was still wondering
what I was doing with myself after Alex. So far the only consequences
have been the occasional sobbing bout of loneliness when I'm hormonal,
and a lot more "me time." No big deal, so long as I remember not to let
this become the new norm.
I find myself worrying about getting into a rut. It reminds me a bit of how my life was when I first got here,
working as a telemarketer and keeping as far away as I could from
romantic attention. I'm different now, I have the know-how and attitude
to take control of my situation. But what does that mean... do I look
for a relationship? Attempt a string of hook-ups? Stay single a little
longer? Wait for a handsome prince to finally come my way? You could drive yourself crazy considering your options, and then they slip away.
Then the hurricane hit, and even though Philadelphia hardly got the worst of it, it still ranks right up there in the list of scariest moments of my life not directly related to my transformation. Sure, if I never went to the Inn I would never have wound up in Philadelphia and my experience with the Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy would be limited, but this is my home, my life. And last Monday, I was hunkered down with the folks and Mae, as well as my brother Ken, his wife Jana, and their kid, as they rightly guessed the Jersey shore would be a dangerous place to stay when this all went down. There was no group of people I'd be happier to face a life-threatening storm with.
The week of the election, though, I couldn't help thinking of my other family... my "old" family (I'd be reluctant to call them my "real" family by now.) Specifically my dad. He always had a weird way of thinking about politics. He always voted with his gut. The last election, when I was still Cliff, we had a long talk about it. He didn't particularly like Barack Obama, thought McCain would bring more experience or some such. He's not a lifelong Republican or anything - I think he probably voted Reagan in the 80's then went for Clinton in the 90's - but the way he put it, he had something against the idea that Obama was "popular." I was a young (albeit older than I am now... by some counts) idealist, so I went with Barack based on little besides my dislike for Sarah Palin.
This year, I've been exposed to an ugly side of politics, the way women are treated by those in power. It's not something I would have been conscious of as a man, or if I was it would be a very removed way, but seeing all these guys on TV these blowhards shooting their mouths off about subjects they know nothing about, it was a bit sickening. It kind of highlighted what a learning experience all of this has been, and I don't mean to alienate anyone with my personal politics, but this is just something I was thinking about, how my "views" have been shaped over the past few years just because in one night my entire life changed. I don't know, this sounded so much more meaningful in my head.
Since then, there was also Sara's wedding. I thought it was going to be a big event... Sara always truck me as the type of girl who dreamed of a big wedding, but in the past few weeks she confessed to me she was more happy to have a modest ceremony and get on with married life. It was a nice, low-key affair. Raine and I were standing by her side as she and Thom said their vows.
At the reception, I made a speech about how happy I was to be seeing them start their life together. I made some references, for nobody but myself, about the fact that I first saw them together not long after I was transformed into Tori, and seeing them together both scared me, and in a way, excited me... to know what love a man could have for a woman, and a woman for a man. Sara said she liked it, although her expression suggested she was hiding something. Maybe she was annoyed that it was "about me" and not them as much, even though I talked about watching them grow as a couple and taking my cues from them. Well, can't please everyone (although pleasing the bride probably would've been preferable.)
I tried to get into the festive spirit. I danced with a few guys, and they were happy to hit on me, and I was in a good enough mood to flirt back, but there were no bathroom hookups and I left alone.
As I settled in to bed, I thought about how much fun it was to just cut loose... without being "in a couple." Sure, I don't know where my next lay is coming from, but the prospect of playing the field is seeming more appealing to me than ever.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Matt/Gabrielle: My Big Fat Greek Body
So one of the coolest aspects about this blog thingy is that you guys respond to our posts. I like it because it gives me feedback on what are thoughts that not only are secret, but HAVE to be secret. I can't just go to a therapist and tell them that I'm a 20 something man in a middle aged woman's body. Although I'm sure they get things like that sometimes, but apparently the curse will prevent them from believing me. So apart from Lacey and the real Gabrielle, its good to get reactions/advice from people.
The real Gabrielle is doing just fine, relatively. She and Wesley wound up as a pair of sisters in California. So while Wesley will have similar adjustments as me Gabi won't have to adjust that much.
Anyway, while I LOVE hearing from you guys, the comment on my last post put it bluntly and suggested that I just give Dustin a blowjob. Maybe that person is a woman or gay and has sucked dick before, but for me personally the idea of doing that is just gross. I've read some of the posts from previous authors here, about how they finally came around to having sex as women, and all of them have one thing in common: at some point they were ready mentally. And I'm just not there.
I don't know if its being in a woman's body that makes me feel unsexy, or if it's being in this particular body that makes me feel that way, but when I look at myself in the mirror I don't think of sexual images. Some mornings I'll stare a little while longer, which is something I didn't do the first couple of weeks. I've got a pretty face, at least. Gabi's big brown eyes are far and away her best feature. Her hair is nice too, I suppose but such a chore to wash and try and deal with that I have a hard time appreciating it. I mostly put it back in a tight ponytail which shows the tiny bits of gray that are forming here and there on my scalp.
Below the neck things are more...jiggly. I wasn't an overly fit or muscular man, but I had a little tone. Now, its all flab and curves. I am completely devoid of muscle, I'd be surprised if I could lift 40 pounds, let alone do one pushup. I might be able to do a situp since even though I don't have any visible abs, I dont have a lot of belly fat. I don't know how much cardio or overall exercise Gabrielle does but it can't be a lot because I get winded and sore a lot. I dont even want to try running with all the jiggling that happens when I walk briskly or even up the stairs.
On a related note, I'd just like to say, on the record, that after having them for a few weeks that I officially hate boobs. Every guy says that if they had boobs they'd play with them all day. This is false. I can tell you that when they are attached to you that they stop being all that sexy. Especially the pair that I have. Even with the industrial strength bras that I have to squeeze into on a regular basis they still get in the way. Maybe its because I'm not used to them being there and I'll eventually learn to compensate for them, but it doesn't feel good when they bump into things.
Thats nothing compared to how big my butt is now. Its like sitting on a big pillow and I can feel it bounce everytime I walk. What makes it worse is that Dustin is apparently and "ass man" and will occasionally smack it when no one is looking. I've caught him staring a couple times. Its weird sharing a house with someone who looks at you like prey. It doesn't help that most of my wardrobe is designed to show it off, with tight jeans and knit pants.
I make an effort to dress unsexily. Or I just don't make an effort. This body is so much more high maintenance. So many things to clean and trim. Gabrielle's family is of Greek descent, and for whatever reason that makes her...hairier than normal. I didn't shave my legs, arms or armpits until a couple days ago when when the stubble was really itchy and Lacey caught me scratching it.
"Oh my god, when was the last time you shaved your legs, that is some seriously dark stubble"
"Um...never. I guess I didn't think to do it. Not something I've ever done before. Its not like I need to do it."
"Well, you do. Youre the one who said we have to live like were these people, so if I have to go to school, YOU have to shave your legs"
And so with a little extra prodding the next time we were alone in the house we found ourselves in the visibly awkward situation of me in the bathroom in a tank top and panties standing next to a teenage boy with a lady razor.
We started with the armpits. Lacey did the right one while giving me instructions before handing me the razor. I did the left one and managed not to get any cuts. It took a lot of shaving cream to get my legs covered but when they were she shaved my right one, giving me instructions and pretending not to notice when I gasped slightly when she got to my inner thigh. I nicked myself a little bit when I did the left, but when I was all toweled off they were silky smooth and not scratchy or itchy.
"Thanks a lot" I told Lacey
"Not done yet. Panties off" she commanded
"Excuse me?"
"Your 'bikini area' its probably gonna need some maintenance too"
"I dont plan on wearing a bikini" I blushed "And that area is maintenance enough already"
"Suit yourself" she said with a shrug.
And with that we parted. I appreciated her help though. She seems like she wants me to figure out how to be as normal as a woman as I can be.
She was right about the leg shaving too, it helped. I didn't feel AS gross and the smoothness was pretty nice. I'd find myself rubbing them together when nobody was looking.
Dustin seemed to agree with me. Although he was perfectly patient with me and never said a word about my hairy legs, he put a hand on them that night in bed and moaned slightly in approval before putting his arms around me and spooning me. Normally I'd throw him off but he didn't try anything and it was kind of cold so I let him hold me while we slept.
This DOESNT mean I'm giving him a blowjob.
The real Gabrielle is doing just fine, relatively. She and Wesley wound up as a pair of sisters in California. So while Wesley will have similar adjustments as me Gabi won't have to adjust that much.
Anyway, while I LOVE hearing from you guys, the comment on my last post put it bluntly and suggested that I just give Dustin a blowjob. Maybe that person is a woman or gay and has sucked dick before, but for me personally the idea of doing that is just gross. I've read some of the posts from previous authors here, about how they finally came around to having sex as women, and all of them have one thing in common: at some point they were ready mentally. And I'm just not there.
I don't know if its being in a woman's body that makes me feel unsexy, or if it's being in this particular body that makes me feel that way, but when I look at myself in the mirror I don't think of sexual images. Some mornings I'll stare a little while longer, which is something I didn't do the first couple of weeks. I've got a pretty face, at least. Gabi's big brown eyes are far and away her best feature. Her hair is nice too, I suppose but such a chore to wash and try and deal with that I have a hard time appreciating it. I mostly put it back in a tight ponytail which shows the tiny bits of gray that are forming here and there on my scalp.
Below the neck things are more...jiggly. I wasn't an overly fit or muscular man, but I had a little tone. Now, its all flab and curves. I am completely devoid of muscle, I'd be surprised if I could lift 40 pounds, let alone do one pushup. I might be able to do a situp since even though I don't have any visible abs, I dont have a lot of belly fat. I don't know how much cardio or overall exercise Gabrielle does but it can't be a lot because I get winded and sore a lot. I dont even want to try running with all the jiggling that happens when I walk briskly or even up the stairs.
On a related note, I'd just like to say, on the record, that after having them for a few weeks that I officially hate boobs. Every guy says that if they had boobs they'd play with them all day. This is false. I can tell you that when they are attached to you that they stop being all that sexy. Especially the pair that I have. Even with the industrial strength bras that I have to squeeze into on a regular basis they still get in the way. Maybe its because I'm not used to them being there and I'll eventually learn to compensate for them, but it doesn't feel good when they bump into things.
Thats nothing compared to how big my butt is now. Its like sitting on a big pillow and I can feel it bounce everytime I walk. What makes it worse is that Dustin is apparently and "ass man" and will occasionally smack it when no one is looking. I've caught him staring a couple times. Its weird sharing a house with someone who looks at you like prey. It doesn't help that most of my wardrobe is designed to show it off, with tight jeans and knit pants.
I make an effort to dress unsexily. Or I just don't make an effort. This body is so much more high maintenance. So many things to clean and trim. Gabrielle's family is of Greek descent, and for whatever reason that makes her...hairier than normal. I didn't shave my legs, arms or armpits until a couple days ago when when the stubble was really itchy and Lacey caught me scratching it.
"Oh my god, when was the last time you shaved your legs, that is some seriously dark stubble"
"Um...never. I guess I didn't think to do it. Not something I've ever done before. Its not like I need to do it."
"Well, you do. Youre the one who said we have to live like were these people, so if I have to go to school, YOU have to shave your legs"
And so with a little extra prodding the next time we were alone in the house we found ourselves in the visibly awkward situation of me in the bathroom in a tank top and panties standing next to a teenage boy with a lady razor.
We started with the armpits. Lacey did the right one while giving me instructions before handing me the razor. I did the left one and managed not to get any cuts. It took a lot of shaving cream to get my legs covered but when they were she shaved my right one, giving me instructions and pretending not to notice when I gasped slightly when she got to my inner thigh. I nicked myself a little bit when I did the left, but when I was all toweled off they were silky smooth and not scratchy or itchy.
"Thanks a lot" I told Lacey
"Not done yet. Panties off" she commanded
"Excuse me?"
"Your 'bikini area' its probably gonna need some maintenance too"
"I dont plan on wearing a bikini" I blushed "And that area is maintenance enough already"
"Suit yourself" she said with a shrug.
And with that we parted. I appreciated her help though. She seems like she wants me to figure out how to be as normal as a woman as I can be.
She was right about the leg shaving too, it helped. I didn't feel AS gross and the smoothness was pretty nice. I'd find myself rubbing them together when nobody was looking.
Dustin seemed to agree with me. Although he was perfectly patient with me and never said a word about my hairy legs, he put a hand on them that night in bed and moaned slightly in approval before putting his arms around me and spooning me. Normally I'd throw him off but he didn't try anything and it was kind of cold so I let him hold me while we slept.
This DOESNT mean I'm giving him a blowjob.
Friday, November 02, 2012
Matt/Gabrielle: Friendly People
I like to think that everyone's life is like its own individual tv show, albeit most are pretty boring for most episodes. If someone were to watch the world through your eyes that's what it would be like a long, mostly boring, sometimes x rated TV show. As it stands most people only see their own tv show, and its interactive. People that go to the Trading Post Inn however, get to channel surf, and that's what's happened to me. I've been dropped into the middle of TV show that is 37 seasons in and I'm trying to learn the characters and plotlines subtly. I've got the basic stor down, as well as the main characters and how they interact. Its the the references to previous episodes and appearances of characters I don't recognize that throw me off.
I'll drop the the television analogy there and tell you that Gabrielle's neighbor came over today and bugged me for a few hours. It wasn't officially bugging, I think they're quite close, but this woman went on and on.
It started around noon when I was vacuuming and heard the doorbell ring. I answered the door cautiously, poking my head out as I always do, when a woman around my new age but a little shorter and a lot rounder pushed it open and gave me a tight hug. I hugged her back, because a person in my position can only assume every random hugger has the right to hug, which might be a bit dangerous.
I explained to this woman that I was cleaning but that just made her say "oh don't mind me, I'll keep you distracted" so my regular routine was slowed down a bit while this woman rattled on about people I didn't know while all the while I was thinking "who the fuck ARE you?"
She was, as I found out from texting the real Gabrielle afterwards, Dottie, our neighbor from two houses down. Our sons were in school together and they came over for barbecues and christmas parties and stuff.
She was also the head of the neighborhood association, which I found out as she was leaving she gave me a friendly reminder about how our garden wasn't up to code and we needed to weed it or face a fine. No I'm not kidding you, that's how these people live here in the suburbs.
That of course derailed my entire day. I had to find my gardening clothes and go out and get that taken care of, and by the time I had gotten back and finished my regular cleaning it was dinner time. Once everyone was fed and the kitchen cleaned I was so tired I went upstairs and collapsed around 7:30. I need a maid. Of course, that still wouldn't have prevented what happened next.
I was woken up a couple hours later to Dustin kissing my neck and rubbing my leg sensuously. At first it felt good, but once I had woken up enough to realize what was happening I turned around and pushed him away.
"I'm sorry honey, did I scare you?" he said moving closer again.
"Just woke me with a start" i said "I've had a long day"
"I'm sorry baby, do you want me to make you feel a lot better?" he said in a seductive manner that made me want to giggle.
"Sorry, honey. Not tonight" I said in a cliche way. I almost said I had a headache but didn't want to seem too much like a sitcom character.
"But its been a few weeks. I miss you" he said almost pleading. "Maybe just a blowjob?"
At that I said no firmer and meaner than I wanted to but he backed off and I got to fall asleep. He was gone as usual in the morning but this is going to be an ongoing problem. If I shut this guy out for the next year its going to cause a strain on their marriage. Maybe I can come up with some sort of medical excuse.
Any ideas?
I'll drop the the television analogy there and tell you that Gabrielle's neighbor came over today and bugged me for a few hours. It wasn't officially bugging, I think they're quite close, but this woman went on and on.
It started around noon when I was vacuuming and heard the doorbell ring. I answered the door cautiously, poking my head out as I always do, when a woman around my new age but a little shorter and a lot rounder pushed it open and gave me a tight hug. I hugged her back, because a person in my position can only assume every random hugger has the right to hug, which might be a bit dangerous.
I explained to this woman that I was cleaning but that just made her say "oh don't mind me, I'll keep you distracted" so my regular routine was slowed down a bit while this woman rattled on about people I didn't know while all the while I was thinking "who the fuck ARE you?"
She was, as I found out from texting the real Gabrielle afterwards, Dottie, our neighbor from two houses down. Our sons were in school together and they came over for barbecues and christmas parties and stuff.
She was also the head of the neighborhood association, which I found out as she was leaving she gave me a friendly reminder about how our garden wasn't up to code and we needed to weed it or face a fine. No I'm not kidding you, that's how these people live here in the suburbs.
That of course derailed my entire day. I had to find my gardening clothes and go out and get that taken care of, and by the time I had gotten back and finished my regular cleaning it was dinner time. Once everyone was fed and the kitchen cleaned I was so tired I went upstairs and collapsed around 7:30. I need a maid. Of course, that still wouldn't have prevented what happened next.
I was woken up a couple hours later to Dustin kissing my neck and rubbing my leg sensuously. At first it felt good, but once I had woken up enough to realize what was happening I turned around and pushed him away.
"I'm sorry honey, did I scare you?" he said moving closer again.
"Just woke me with a start" i said "I've had a long day"
"I'm sorry baby, do you want me to make you feel a lot better?" he said in a seductive manner that made me want to giggle.
"Sorry, honey. Not tonight" I said in a cliche way. I almost said I had a headache but didn't want to seem too much like a sitcom character.
"But its been a few weeks. I miss you" he said almost pleading. "Maybe just a blowjob?"
At that I said no firmer and meaner than I wanted to but he backed off and I got to fall asleep. He was gone as usual in the morning but this is going to be an ongoing problem. If I shut this guy out for the next year its going to cause a strain on their marriage. Maybe I can come up with some sort of medical excuse.
Any ideas?
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