Tori: Great Power/Great Responsibility

Sometimes I feel like I have power over half of the men on Earth, the power that comes from knowing they want me. The look, they chat me up, they let their eyes wander a little below my chin when I talk to them. I have something they want. And I have to be very responsible which of them I give it to.

Because I want it too. That's no secret to you, readers. I have a pretty damn healthy sexual appetite, and I've been starving myself for months -- almost a year! -- because I don't like the idea of having sex with someone I don't totally love. The last time I did that, with my first partner Leo, I felt pretty bad about it.

It's just that, if I hold out for someone who can be my everything, I might be waiting a long time, I might drive myself nuts with desperation, I might cling to them. I totally get why one-night stands are an option. They're just not one I feel good about.

Nameless Boy -- as he shall be called to protect him from embarrassment -- is a special case. He's told me that he likes me, that he's been carrying a torch for a while, unbeknownst to me, and that it was only at my farewell party that he got the nerve. I didn't see anything in him but an opportunity for some escape, some fun, some distraction. He was my attempt at a one-night stand. If I'd known he was a virgin, I might have slowed down a little, but we've all got to start somewhere.

I like him fine. As in, I can put up with him. I don't mind hanging out with him. I'm really not sure how I feel beyond that. I've been spoiled a little bit, with Buddy and Alex, but my memory of both of them is tainted somewhat, too. If I want to get laid, he would be my best option, although for obvious reasons I have not told him this. We've talked a bit, and I've played it a bit close to the chest as to whether I would see him again.

I just don't have the heart to reject him, the way I would reject some bozo in a club. Like, those guys take it on the chin, they don't know you, you're just a piece of ass to them. This guy knows me. He thinks about me. There are worse situations to be in, and I think of all the times when I was him, when I wished I could dance with the hot girl. Maybe he deserves a reward. Ugh, how egotistical-slash-shallow of me to think of myself that way. But it's a reward for me, too, because I like the attention.


I just spent twenty minutes staring at a blinking cursor trying to decide what to say, what to do... and I just finally decided to text him: Hey... feel like getting a drink?

Here goes.

Tori: Something that happened

I sometimes avoid talking about what's going on with me. I like to wait and see how it turns out, if it's not so urgent that I need to put it out there. A lot of the time it ends up being nothing, so I don't say it. Sometimes I say it even if it is nothing.

Sometimes I take forever to get around to saying it.

I got laid on the weekend.

I know, I know, I'm a big girl, I shouldn't care too much about it when it happens. I'm getting better at making it happen, I should say. My little misadventure with Irwin kind of reminded me just how much fun it is to be with someone, and it's his loss if he doesn't want another shot. I'm trying to be a take charge kind of gal.

It was a delayed farewell party with the guys (and one other girl, who I sadly didn't work with that often) from work. Most of them have girlfriends, it ended up being a shockingly big affair (all for little old me? No, it was a pretty regular occurrence, I just didn't always go) at this bar around the corner. The DJ was playing a lot of 90s jams and I had enough drinks that I couldn't resist getting up to dance... because believe me, these days, it takes quite a bit of liquid courage to get me shaking my booty. One of the guys, whose name I won't reveal, joined me on the dancefloor (really just the space between pool tables) and after a while we just sort of... forgot ourselves.

He reminds me a little of Alex and Buddy, except he's only a bit taller than me, really thin, with a chin beard. He's a bit younger than me, just out of college. I had hardly thought twice about him and he was kinda shy, the last person I would expect to join me in an impromptu dance party. So I was impressed, I never saw this bold side of him, tactfully placing his hands on my hips. Well, he did a little bit of hover hands, but I grabbed his wrists and planted his hands on my body. After that he didn't need me to lead him any further. He inched closer and closer, and everyone watched... I would've been embarrassed if I hadn't been enjoying myself so much.

I felt his crotch grinding on me through his pants.

After a few songs, I wrapped my arms around him. "Hey, sorry if I'm being too..."

I didn't hear the end of his sentence. I just told him "Let's go make out in your car."

I was not myself, but I liked being that girl.

We got in the backseat. I laid on my back and wrapped my legs around him. He hovered over me, kissing my lips, my face, my neck... he waited a respectable amount of time before pushing his hands gently up my shirt (hey, he's only human.) After a while, he asked if I'd mind going to my place, since his roommate was nosy. I told him I did not mind.

We drove recklessly, he kept his hand on my leg the whole time, which was sweet. We made out the entire elevator ride up, my back pinned up against the wall. Very hot. When we got into my place, we wasted no time.

And by that I mean, he finished within seconds.

Before I realized what had happened, he pulled out, and I let out a very instinctive, disappointed, "What the fuck?" and he got very red-faced and embarrassed, "I'm sorry, oh God, I'm sorry..."

I got my bearings and collected myself. I wanted to be reassuring, "It's okay, it's okay, it happens..." I mean, it's never happened to someone I was with, but I guess it does. "Got a bit too excited? Been a while?"

He rolled off me and sat up, with slumped shoulders - "It's my first time."

"Oh... wow."

I had him lie down and we put our arms around each other. I just told him "It's okay, it's okay" over and over, like he was a lost puppy. He seemed mortified. It's a good thing we don't work together anymore. Finally I said "I'm sorry I rushed you through that."

"No, don't worry... I'm glad it finally happened. I've been picking up on some signals from you for a while, and I was just too chicken to make a move."

Signals? Oh... boy. I had not been sending this kid any signals. Not on purpose anyway.

This happens sometimes, I guess. If you look a certain way, and you're friendly and comfortable around guys, they take it as a signal. They see what they want to see. I'm aware of it, but it's more in the back of my mind, and it's really egotistical to assume every guy is thinking of you that way. But I guess I do have blinders on to the way guys can interpret my actions. Being in a steady relationship probably helped that. I had a natural shield.

I don't know, it's just a side-effect of being a reasonably attractive girl (wow, I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that three years ago I thought I was the hottest chick ever, and now I consider myself "reasonably attractive.") There are worse things to put up with in life. It's just never the ones you really want.

Kinda hypocritical of me, I guess, because I did end up seducing this guy. After a little while, we started back up, making out, still nude, letting him run his hands up and down my body...I don't know, after the recent events of my life, it was nice to be with someone that seemed to at least want to be with me.

The second time wasn't great, but it lasted longer than the first. I took the opportunity to give him a few pointers when I could, but in the heat of the moment there's not much you want to say beyond "keep going with that!" and "slow down!"

He didn't stay the night, thank heavens. I think he was just too embarrassed, and I had to have a good long talk with myself about how lame that was. I really don't see myself as a one-night stand kind of girl, but instead of being ashamed, I was at least kind of proud that I made it happen. I mean somebody had to be that guy's first, and it might as well have been someone forgiving. Believe me, the longer he went without it, the more self-conscious he would have gotten, I speak from experience. He'll survive.

I just don't know what's next for me.