Kiara: Life and Stuff

I made it through Donovan's class without incident. He and I were obviously frosty with each other, but I behaved myself and, in the four walls of the classroom, we were able to interact like a normal student and teacher. I finished with an 88 but he never really lavished my work with praise, simply writing "Very good," and "well observed" on my papers. Okay, fine.

Auto shop... haha, I got a 60 there, but I passed and now I could change my own oil if I wanted to squish my tits under a car.

I have one term left. Looking at the courses available, there wasn't much I could take, so I bit the bullet and went for cosmetology. It's going to be a test of just how much of a woman I've become. I don't have a knack for it so far, but I'm keeping an open mind now that this stuff is semi-relevant to my life. It's "the family business" after all. 

Which gives me pause to think about what comes next. I am 18 years old and have basically chosen to stay in this life for the long haul. Simply drifting through it and making the same choices my adoptive mother made doesn't appeal to me, but there are limitations. I have a kid, I need to support her and myself, and as time goes by my younger siblings are depending on me a bit more. 

Sometimes I lie up at night and I cry because of where this train of thought goes. Trying to find time and energy to get an education and enter the job market and establish myself -- sheesh, could you think of a worse time to be a young person starting out? I thought I had it bad in the 2010's -- all on my own, with all of this on my shoulders. It would be so much easier with someone else. I've never really yearned to be in a couple, and I still don't, but it's a horrifying thought that partnering up with someone would really ease the burden. This is how people get trapped. This is how they get stuck in bad situations. That's when the tears start. What would I do for Kiara-and-Sienna?

In other news, Cerie and Byrd are no more. Thank God. Having your younger sister date your baby daddy is a complicated and uncomfortable situation. I obviously don't think much of Byrd -- his record on child support is spotty, but he's around. Cerie, weirdly, is growing on me. Ever since her brief pregnancy, she's changed and matured. She told me that Byrd wanted to try to have another kid with her, and she told him she wasn't interested, a huge turnaround from when she expected all of us to be happy for her when she was pregnant (and most of the family was.) I took her out for mochas and she told me privately she wasn't sure if she wanted to try to have kids ever again after that experience. I told her that the time might come when it feels right, but there was definitely no rush, and she agreed. You love to hear something like that, to watch someone mature and develop before your eyes... but she still hogs the damn bathroom in the mornings.

-Kiara

Tom/Kiara: Custody

I could tear my hair out.

You haven't seen a lot of me on this blog lately, and that's largely because my life is frankly terrible. Between trying to put the finishing touches on this industry-rocking story that is probably not going to get published, I have to do homework, track down the real Kiara, and oh yeah, raise a baby.

I should be thankful for the immense support system I have with the women in Kiara's life, but all I can think is that none of them should be in this position. This stupid girl got pregnant at 16 when she was in no position to capably raise a child, and her mom and grandma just stepped up like that was a normal part of life, like that was kind of what they were expecting all along. Between the three of us, we make for two pretty good parents I guess. And then there's Baby-daddy.

Sienna's dad is a dirtbag kid named Byrd. Personally, I can't stand the sight of him. Dead-eyed, greasy mullet hair, stinks of B.O. He has custody every other weekend, which is a relief in some ways and a frustration in others because I always feel like I have to check his work. I'm relatively new to this, but I am a functioning adult and I know the baby's habits and needs pretty well at this point.

Byrd's parents have been pressuring me to give up custody. They both work, they're in a better financial situation than Kiara's family. Byrd dropped out of high school to do drywall for his dad's company so he has income too (which he contributes to Kiara) and giving the baby over to them would make a certain level of financial sense by consolidating all of that, but while they may have more money, what they don't have is time and resources. Sienna is getting better care here, whether it's with me or Kiara's family. Personally I think the kid needs more stability. I'm not trying to deny Byrd his rights -- strictly speaking, he's got more rights than I do, I'm just trying to do what is best for the baby. Add to that, I still have it in the back of my mind that I could coax Kiara into taking her life back if I could find her, and I would like to keep it as close to how it was when she left it as possible.

I struggle with whether I'm doing the right thing. If giving the baby up is selfish, or if holding onto her is.

There is a complicating factor here, which is that Byrd has recently started dating someone new. And that someone is Kiara's younger sister Cerie. Yes, it's deeply messed up. They're out to all hours getting drunk and high, which would be fine if they were normal teenagers, but I've made it clear to Byrd that if he wants me to consider handing the baby over to him he would have to clean up his act. "I can't let this girl fall into the hands of such an immature kid."

"I'm older than you!" he counters.

"Only on paper," I sneer back.

And then there are nights I'm awake until 2 AM and she won't stop crying because this teething thing is going badly and I've got an exam I haven't studied for, and I think "I should just throw in the towel."

Whoever did this to me really had it in for me.

Then Christmas comes and despite the huge financial burden, we get her dressed up in a little red dress to see Santa and "open" her gifts on Christmas (she doesn't know what's going on but she seems to like ripping paper and banging on boxes) and my heart melts into my uterus. I love the kid. For all she cries and poops and grabs things she is not supposed to, she is adorable and gettig that little kiss from her and listening to her babble makes me think she is the most precious and important thing in theworld and I need to protect and nurture her at all costs. I hate being a mommy but I love the kid. Make it make sense.

-More-Kiara-Than-Tom