Emilia: And I Guess That's That

Just got confirmation - the folks living our old lives did not return to the Inn, but folks changed, so now they've got another set of new people in their lives and we can't go back to become ourselves again.  Me and my sons Kutter and Rusty are going to be Emilia, Katey, and Monica for good, or at least as much as anything can be "for good" with unexplained phenomena out there that can change every aspect of your life.  The kids and I are all kind of terrified, but there's a kind of relief in only having to worry about one life again.

Up until the last minute, I didn't think it would turn out like this.  Annette and others warned us things go wrong fairly often:  She says she knows through her friend Jordan that there are people out there who think the Inn has a purpose and that purpose is to mix people up, injecting new perspectives into different parts of society to hopefully break down barriers, and they maybe try to keep that happening.  They aren't really that effective, most of the time, and she thinks it's more like that whatever spell or curse is on the Inn was originally trying to fill a hole but is in a constant state of turning around, seeing that the dirt they used to fill that hole has created another hole, and then trying to fill that.  But, as she pointed out, we were in an uncommonly good position - we could get to the Inn and if anything looked off, we could just walk away, knowing we could handle these lives and nobody was coming back for them.

It didn't get that far, though.  The three of us all talked to our counterparts in our old lives after the talk, and just like the kids, they all felt like they could not just make do in their new lives, but thrive, once they realized that nobody was counting on them going back.  For new-Aidan's kids and mine, the past year was such a huge part of their lives and memories that going back might be stranger than staying put, and she felt like she had more regrets and things holding her down in her real life than as me.  Once we knew that they would take care of our old identities, rather than random people skipping in and out, it felt easier to stay these girls.

And I soon realized that's where the kids' heads were at, and it was me who had to adjust my thinking.  I knew that they could readjust, just from how well they adapted to being Monica and Katey; kids are adaptable and their generation seems to be more flexible in terms of identity than mine was.  They at least have the vocabulary for it and often examples in their own lives of people who are different, more than I did at their age.  Kutter and Rusty have had that flexibility tested more than most, but they've been able to accept their situations as they were rather than just rejecting them.  Even though they are still my sons when we're at home, they are not pretending outside of it, but just living the lives they have.

I needed to stop looking at them just as the boys they should be, or the men they could be, but the women that they are.  And they're incredible.  If I had always had daughters like Katey and Monica, I would be so proud of them, and I'd want to see them continue to pursue what they love, and trust them to know who they are.

So we're going to do that.  I'm still very nervous about it, because even if they have the bodies of 23-year-old women, they are still only 16 and 17.  I can tell myself that the teenager as something distinct from adults and children is a relatively modern invention, that a hundred years ago they would be considered adults, and that we still kind of glorify boys that age who lied about being older to serve their country or are otherwise whiz kids who dropped out of college or even high school to get a head start on their ambitions, but they are still probably going to be naive and inexperienced relative to their peers in many areas.  

They're going to need a big sister as much as a father, and so as a father, it's my duty to be that big sister.  So that's where I'm focusing my attention, making sure that Emilia is the most supportive sister and best friend that Katey and Monica can have.  I'm also going to try to be the best Emilia I can be, because if I do my job supporting the kids (bear with me, I can't quite call them just "roommates" yet), they're going to build lives of their own and I'll have to do the same.  I've got a full life as Emilia ahead of me, probably more time than I've had as Aidan by the time I reach its end.

I'm not even going to try to be the Emilia I see in her old social media, super outgoing and feminine, playfully posting pictures in swimsuits and microskirts.  I'll probably a dork who likes things that were before my time, prefers beer to cocktails, gets season tickets to the Mets or the Yankees when I can afford it, and a bunch of other male-coded stuff, and enters into relationships with men very tentatively, at least at first (although I still have a hard time seeing that changing).

But I'm also going to try to do that on my own, just being the Emilia that comes naturally, as opposed to worrying about being an "Inn Person", or looking over my shoulder to see if I'm doing it right, so this is my last post on this blog, barring emergency.  I want to thank everyone who has given me advice and encouragement along this journey, and for everyone else in this situation, I hope that we all find a way to be able to live and thrive as ourselves, whether that's our original lives or who fate allows us to become.

-Emilia