Man, am I not sure what to fucking make of the week in New York culminating in Max's wedding after flying up from Krystle's. Like, I know you can read a lot of worry about how all the Inn stuff affects everything in her posts, but the experience of it, for me at least, was how much a lot of that didn't fucking matter. Krystle wants to include what to all outside appearances are the parents of a babydaddy who quite notably isn't there? Friend she really never hung out with that much is important enough to be one of the bridesmaids? Absolutely random teenage white girl shows up? Well, Krystle's family and Gabriel's family all start from the premise that these people are important to her and make room. If there's gossip, it's well hidden. It wound up being a really loving, accepting atmosphere, and they respected the entirety of what got Krystle and Gabriel there even if they didn't know it.
Back home... Not quite.
It wasn't a race thing, I don't think, unless highly-assimilated third-generation Chinese Americans are unusually eager not to stand out, which I don't think is really a thing, although, granted, the past week or so has been a pretty shitty time for folks on a tourism visa like me to stand out.
And I get it beyond all that. Max has gone through the Inn experience, and sometimes it means he gets me and sometimes it means he absolutely cannot understand how I could willingly give Benny my life or stay as Yuan-Wei. I suspect things getting serious with Dominic kind of rattles him more; it's one thing to make use of your clitoris while you're stuck with it, but something else to put yourself on the wife & mom track Krystle is on.
(And, yeah, just going with "Krystle" from now on. She signed papers saying she wanted her name to be Krystle Potts, and who am I to argue?)
Still, I dunno, they could have not sidelined me. Mom says it would have been easier if Dominic had come so we didn't have to insist, no, I wasn't an ex-girlfriend to Pei Pei and her family.
On the plus side, I had a lot of time to hang out with Annette, who, as you may have heard, is doing really well, especially considering how volatile the publishing industry is. She's managing editor of a small imprint, just moved into a bigger apartment, and wants to know all about Dominic because she is very single right now. She had more restaurants she wanted to show me than I figured I had times free to eat.
First up was her wanting to know how authentic a Chinese restaurant was (not bad, but honestly fancier than I tend to go for; I like holes in the wall). She'd found a couple other really nice places, too.
Thursday's big surprise was that we weren't alone - there were three young women joining us: Emilia, Katey, and Monica, formerly known as Aidan, Kutter, and Rusty. Apparently, Annette had seen some anxiety start to build in Katey a couple weeks after she came into her office to say she was staying on, all of her, which makes some sense, because one and a half Inn cycles passing is about when you realize, holy fucking shit, you have made a huge decision that is going to change everything forever that you can't take back.
I didn't have a whole lot of upbeat advice, being a couple of days into my family treating me like a not especially close friend even though they know who I am, but I think I was pretty honestly able to say that they'd push through it, that while the Inn doesn't seem to do much to the part of your brain that makes you good at math or the like, it does appear to reshape the parts that control physical attraction and gender identity, and once you realize your brains are part of your bodies and your bodies aren't things you are in but things you are, you can decide what to do with them.
They're good kids, all three of them, and, yeah, that kind of includes Emilia; she may have 40-odd years of experience but she's got the body language of a freshman that would set off some of my old fraternity brothers' predatory instincts, not quite comfortable in her own skin and always fiddling with her clothes, afraid they're making her look too inviting. She knows that she's pretty and has a great body but mostly sees it as a target as opposed to a tool she can use. Good dude, though, and she had questions about what adopting various local teams said about you.
It's funny how obviously her girls are teenagers once you know their stories, though. Monica is ready to bust with pride at every bit of responsibility she's shouldered and her jaw drops when you tell her something she feels she should have pieced together herself; Katey has a sort of innocent look that makes the occasional wise-ass comment stand out and has a bit of an attitude about the areas where she knows more than her dad, but she's a good kid at heart.
Annette apologized for springing them on me when they left, saying Monica especially was curious to meet other folks who had stayed at the Inn while Katey and Emilia were trying pretty hard to act like they were just normal girls.
Okay, you're all probably thinking, enough fucking sidetracks, what about the wedding?
It was pretty good, actually, once I got over where I wanted to be. Threat of rain had us moving inside, and sitting on folding chairs rather than pews or benches was kind of odd, but fine. Mom and Dad found chances to wave and say hi whenever they could, and for as much as part of me resented Pei Pei for taking my brother and family from me, she's pretty and smart (some sort of research scientist), and didn't seem like she had anything against me when we talked to each other. Which I probably should have expected, instead of just letting my worries about what her being part of the family meant to me. My kid brother may often be a dumbass in the way kid brothers are, but he's not stupid and our parents would have put their foot down if Pei Pei didn't measure up to their expectations! We'll probably never be buddies, but she's okay.
The reception was nice, too, even if I was on the outskirts compared to the test of my family, but that also meant no awkward small talk with Benny, filling out a tux like i never did and living my best life as someone's personal trainer. Folks did notice the empty seat next to me, but as I told Dominic when I got home, I could have gotten laid a lot of I wanted to, because I fucking rocked my qipao and I'm already a good-looking chick from Hong Kong whose perfect English and job in the movie industry makes me pretty damn fascinating to any single guys in their twenties and thirties (and older in a couple cases), especially with a story about my boyfriend being worried about ICE, which was weighing on a lot of Chinese-American minds that had not forgotten being treated like shit during the pandemic. Lots of ways to get people's attention.
At some point Kareena came by and asked if we could grab lunch the next day, and I said of course before a second cousin saw us together and remembered that I had been at her wedding to Benny/"Jordan" as well, thinking it was weird that I had been in Kareena's bridal party but now was attending a wedding on this side of the family, and I just sort of shrugged and said I was on the continent and hate to miss a good party before getting dragged onto the dance floor.
Kareena, if you don't remember, was originally my roommate Ravi's girlfriend and arranged fiancée, but while I was Deirdre and Annette was Ravi and Benny was me, she and Benny formed a connection, which is what led me to roll the dice and wind up as Yuan-wei ten years ago. She's gorgeous and smart and otherwise terrific, way out of my fat, angry old ass's league, and kind of finds the whole Inn scramble romantic and exciting. I was pretty happy when she texted me a cool spot to meet at the next afternoon, and a bit relieved when she arrived alone, saying Benny was putting in some overtime.
Not that he wasn't going to be part of the conversation; after a bit of catching up and her quizzing me about Dominic, she took a deep breath and laid it out there. "So... Benny and I aren't getting any younger, and we've talking about starting a family for a while, but it's kind of weird for us, considering. Both my parents and yours have been on us about it for a while, with mine shocked I don't have a couple kids already and yours more understanding but still wanting grandchildren. What do you think about that?"
I sat and thought for a second, not sure I'd really ever considered this possibility, before answering. "I guess I think it's up to you. I'm the one that walked away from that life and that DNA so you two could be together, and--" Something clicked. "Oh, shit, I've been moaning so much about being pushed aside for the last few days that I never thought of how that might make things easier for you to just get on with your lives!"
She shook her head. "It doesn't, actually. Benny - well, Benny's been more self-conscious about being Chinese-American since the pandemic, and he's kind of worried he doesn't have it in him to raise someone else's kid. He's talked about making the guy who's living his old life an offer to be a sperm donor, and though he's coming around to believing me when I tell him that that would make me feel like we were raising someone else's kid because I love who he is now, body and soul, it feels precarious, you know?"
I kind of did, but still felt confused. "I get it, but I don't know if there's anything I can do. Like, it's tough for me to be less threatening on the other side of the world, unless you're telling me you're going to block me on social media and ask my family not to mention me--"
"No! The opposite! I need you to be part of this! I think we all need to remember that we were always going to be an unconventional family and it's okay. I know things were always going to be weird between you and Benny, but he's going to need to be able to talk to you about what things were like for you growing up and what comes from having Jordan Chang's DNA and that you'll be supportive but have no claim." She took a breath, embarrassed about the outburst. "Look, neurology isn't my specialty, and we don't know how that Inn affects people, but lately I sometimes wonder if he's got more of what I think of as the old Jordan in him, especially as you don't seem nearly as insecure as you were as a guy, or maybe it's just the past ten years, but I think he kind of needs your approval."
I leaned my head back as she fidgeted a bit. "Ugh. How the fuck am I ever expected to be the mature voice of reason?" Not the first time I've asked that. "I mean, obviously I'll support whatever you do. And for what it's worth, the wedding before this was someone who got knocked up by someone living her original life in a pretty harsh situation, and you'll never see anyone who loves her daughter more. You'll be okay."
"I hope so." We stood and hugged, and she said we really should talk more often, even without all the other stuff, and I agreed.
By the time I got on the plane the next day later - with security being really weird, what with all that was in the news over the weekend - and certainly by the time I arrived back in Hong Kong, I wasn't so sure. Is it selfish to try to maintain these old connections, especially when I've got a pretty good life here, or is it necessary? I kind of wonder if that week in New York was so stressful in part because I sometimes let my original life stay at the back of my mind for months at a fucking time. Is this place home now because I can sort of be at ease here without handling multiple sets of expectations?
Also, my being away for two weeks for friends' weddings has apparently led to Dominic thinking things while alone in our bedroom, and, honestly, he had better not fucking propose any time soon because I do not have the mental bandwidth for what our wedding would look like while I'm trying to catch up at work!
-Jordo
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