Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Cal/Angie: I could...

When I look myself in the mirror, I see a pretty girl.

Not a knockout. Not a bombshell. Not someone who's done up really pretty with makeup and all. nobody's fantasy, not even mine. But a pretty girl. I understand why guys look twice when they see me walking down the street, especially on days when I feel confident. And I won't lie, catching a glimpse of their head turning when I pass makes me walk that much taller. Like I have something they want. I know I do. And little by little I'm starting to realize what that means. A thin girl with a nice round face and pretty eyes, a little button nose and maybe a cute smile... I've tried to practice it in the mirror, but it always feels fake. But I've seen a few pictures of myself, particularly from New Year's Eve. It was like looking atanother girl, and I liked what I saw.

It's a quiet night. Chilly. The roommates have taken off, as per usual, and I'm on my own. I could flop down on the couch and channel surf, but part of me still feels like a guest here after a month, so I hole up in my room. I climb under my blankets and start to read, but something keeps distracting me. It's hard to say what, it's just that my thoughts wander.

I'm thirsty. I saw a bottle of gin on the counter. I've never tried it before. I'm sure they won't notice if I taste a little nip of it. I pour some 7up in a glass and try to add a splash of gin, but ... glub, I get a little extra. Well, there's no getting it back in the bottle. I hope I do like it.

I crawl back into bed, but the place seems to be warming up. It's cozy under the blankets, so I take off my sweater and slip into some PJs. Sip after sip the drink is growing on me, until I've had enough that it doesn't really make a difference how it tastes. I start to read again, and after a while I start top realize I'm running my hand up and down my breast. I wonder if I ever do this in public.

My mind starts to wander again. What's the difference, I think... between being alone with a girl and being alone as a girl? If I was a guy, I would think nothing of playing with myself. Why is this so normal? Why am I not naked all the time?

I take a breath as I start to realize exactly where this night is going. I slip my top off. The chilly air perks my nipples up. It feels strangely good. I wonder what it's like to have them get kissed. To have someone's hands running up and down my body. I rub my own hands over my skin and pretend they're someone else's.

"Yes..." I say out loud to nobody.

I spread my legs, as if there was someone crawling on top of me. My hand slips down my abdomen and into the waist of my PJs, feeling the fuzzy warmth between my legs. I only have half a second to wonder to myself "What am I doing?" but I already know the answer.

It's not the first time I've tried, but I could not get into it before. I wasn't ready. Now it's all I can think about. Doing this doesn't mean anything... it doesn't say anything about who I am or what I like, it's just this body. It's just my following this body's impulses. And I can tell it's reacting to something. I just want to see where it goes.

I must spend 20 minutes just lying there, massaging myself, writhing in joy, wondering if the pleasure is going to subside the way it did when I was a guy. But instead it grows. I spend a lot of time figuring out which parts feel good to touch, and which don't, and how to... I guess go between them. Just working up the nerve to get my fingers in there feels like a victory. I get this boost... It's like this tornado that keeps picking up momentum.

And then this thought pops into my head and I can't shake it... don't even want to. This person. I see them there, and I think "What if they were with me... right now..." and I keep going further and further...

It's all I can do to pause, even for a moment, just long enough to reach under the bed. It's there. I know it's there, because I put it there. I kept it there like a safety valve in case it ever got to this point. I even washed it. This big, long, pink, tube-shaped... device. Rounded, not "realistic." I don't think I could have handled looking at that, although I guess for my purposes tonight it doesn't make a difference.

I close my eyes and I see a face.And I tell myself, imagining this person's voice, "It's okay." Slowly, slowly I breach the inside, and... I feel it. In there. And for half a second I'm scared, but then it starts to move. And every part of me moves with it. I'm on my back, my knees are in the air.

By the end, I can hardly breathe. Is this it? Is this what it's like? What it would be like? What it's going to be like? I start to move it faster and faster, and I stop paying attention to how loud I'm being.

Outside, I hear the jangling of keys. The door opens. Two sets of footprints, the voices of my roommate and her boyfriend. They pop something in the microwave. I start getting really upset but I can't stop so I just... keep going as long as I can until...





And then I just laid there thinking about how I spent the whole night basically doing that... maybe not the whole night, but a lot longer than I used to. And I was just left with this lingering feeling of goodness. I was still thinking about it the next day... worrying about the person I imagined myself with, worrying about what would happen if they knew. Trying not to feel so guilty abut the pleasure. Making plans to do it again...

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Tori: Missed me?

I'd apologize for neglecting my place on this blog, but from the looks of it there's been a lot more interesting stuff going on on the opposite coast. To all of you out there in Vancouver, I wish you the best, whatever happens this year.

As for me, things have settled over the last few months into an almost uncomfortably tight status quo. I work, I hang out with Raine & her guy, I watch Walking Dead or American Horror Story... I see friends, and I date a little.

A little. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, if I'm actively afraid of romantic success at this point, but the last year or so has totally wrecked me for commitment. I go weeks between dates, I have a brief fling, and even if I get a little comfy or intimate, I find a reason to cool off on them. So I've been pretty silent on here because I didn't want to start writing about another guy and have it come to nothing. I wanted to come back with big news, but it still hasn't happened. After all these years of being out there and flitting around trying to enjoy being Tori, I've become accustomed to a certain level of company that I'm just not finding from any of the guys I've met. 


Well, this is awful. For the last few months I've been grappling with a bit of a crush I've developed on a co-worker. He's in one of the departments I deal with most frequently and we've developed a good shorthand with each other, bonding over shared jokes and weird obscure references. It helps that he's closer to my original age, so our experience more or less lines up.

Except he's married. And he has a newborn son.

I don't feel good about myself, and to be fair I have been doing everything to forget him, but I can't avoid him at work, and I wouldn't want to, because his friendship means something to me. He's one of the first male friends I've had, my own actual friend not just second hand ones... who wasn't gay, and who I couldn't date, since I became Tori. I want that to stay pure, because pursuing it in any way would be an absolutely shitty thing to do.

It started out just as a work thing, but then one day back in November I was saying how I wanted to go see Thor: The Dark World, and he said he'd be up for it, since his wife hates going to the movies. "Really?" I said, "She'd be okay with you going to the movies with another woman?"

"Yes," he said, "Because my wife is an extremely cool person. Not much of a comic fan, but a cool person nonetheless."

We ended up talking about the Marvel cinematic universe and a whole bunch of other stuff for over an hour afterwards over coffee. A little later we had the company Christmas party and the wife left early. Part of me worried that I might get so drunk I'd lose my inhibitions and say something I shouldn't. As near as I can tell this did not occur.

These things happen. People get attached. They get crushes. Innocent thoughts. As long as I don't do anything, it shouldn't be a problem. I just need to double my efforts to find an available man who fills this same niche. Shouldn't be hard, right? Come on, Philly!

Saturday, January 04, 2014

Cal/Angie: New year, new... friends

I'm trying to spend less time feeling sorry for myself. I think that might be the reason I don't post a lot lately is because I can't resist the urge just to think "I suck." Like I suck as a human being, a man and a woman simultaneously. I was feeling really bad for the holidays, until New Years.

So basically, the fallout from this burglary thing is that it's kind of cut me off from the others. I still text with Trish/Robbie some, and she's been very insistent that she's not taking sides in this, but the three of them (Keisha, Mona and Robbie, aka James, Derek and Trish) spent new years together and it's just too awkward for me to even consider trying to go back with them. I thought about seeing if Grant/Sophie had anything going on (I'm sure it was wild) or maybe if Roy/Christine wasn't doing anything too coupley... but no, I decided I was just going to stay home, have one drink, and go to bed early.

Then around 7 I got a text from my coworker David. A bunch of people from Angie's circle of friends, the friends I've basically been neglecting, were having a thing and I had to come. I resisted, but he just wouldn't take no for an answer and wore me down. I didn't even pretty myself up or anything, I just threw on some tights and a top and went over to his place expecting to basically suck the fun out of the party with my presence.

The opposite happened. The whole thing really lifted me up... they all made it really clear that for better or worse they are my friends - or Angie's anyway, and whatever I'm going through I can count on them.

And if I doubted they were serious... they took up a collection and bought a bunch of replacement stuff that got stolen, including the same model of laptop that Derek lost. Like... holy shit. I nearly bawled. Half of these people I don't even really know. But for a night I forgot that I'm not Angie, and I took all their love for my own.

After a few drinks, they started passing a joint around... and I was resistant at first, but I saw all these people basically being smart, functioning people, not insane stoner cliches (well some of them were) or messed-up druggies, just really smart, individualistic people, and if they can handle it, why couldn't I?

I didn't feel it too much, but it made me really want to touch people. Like, it made me feel really secure if I just... wrapped my arms around someone. I spent half the night sitting on the couch with my arms around a girl named Jen. And In my head, it's like "If I was a guy, I'd have such a boner right now... I can feel her breathing." But it was such a reminder that I'm not a guy... not that it wasn't nice, but there was no real lady-boner that I could tell.

Then Jen disappeared, and David took her place, and... well, it got a little complicated. He was very comfortable with his arms around me, and I felt so nice and compact in his arms, and I realized that he really likes me, or Angie, and... I mean, between him and Jen, it was almost the same. Almost. But I would give the edge a bit more to David, and I thought "I could kiss him. Right now. Just move my face a little closer..."

No harm in that. The others have all talked about how they have, or would, and I don't want to be a dumb prude anymore.

But I didn't. And the feeling wore off. And now it's super awkward, I just can't stop thinking about what if he made a move, what if I made a move... was it just for the night, or could I go back to it? Should we talk about it?

Do I want that? Is it smart for me to try? No, right? It's only a few weeks until I make a reservation to the Inn. I don't need to go complicating things at all.

But this issue isn't going to go away... sleepless nights and weird dreams about a handsome guy with a beard make that pretty clear.