Thursday, March 27, 2014

Cal/Angie: Wait... what?

I found out a while ago that I'm not the only girl David sees. He admitted it to me while we were hanging out and said that he likes me but he's not into commitment "right now." I had a hard time processing this because as far as I'm concerned one guy dates one girl and that's it...

"Are you having sex with these other girls?" I asked.

"No, I only fuck one girl at a time. We make out though."

It burned me inside to think that he was spending time with other girls, but given how touch-and-go I am about the whole situation, could I really convince him I deserve all his attention?

Despite my uncertainty about the relationship's progress... or whether we're even having a relationship... I still feel bad if I don't see him very often, if I don't check in. So obviously I'm at least a little into him, which is scary. I wish I could cut out the part of me that likes hanging out with him, that likes his big hands on my body. And I hope you're right, Anon, I hope it gets left behind when I go back to being Cal.

So I was calling him up to make plans for Friday and I got his voicemail, and I was going to hang up and just text him but I decided to just blurt out a bunch of stuff like "Hey, sorry I'm flaky, I don't really know how to do this dating thing and I wanna thank you for being patient with me... I have a lot of stuff to work out and I don't really know what this is but I'm having fun and I want to see you Friday if you're free. Okay, my voice is probably sounding really annoying now, god it's so nasal and gross. Pretend I didn't say anything. Just, um, let me know."

And then I went to go hyperventilate in my room for a few minutes, until my phone buzzed.

"Hey," he texted, "Just got your message. It made me laugh. I love the sound of your voice, don't be embarrassed about it. :)"

My jaw dropped. I got that pained feeling in my stomach.

This was, like, the first time anyone said they loved anything about me. And sure, this voice isn't mine by birth, but it just means he likes, you know, my whole self, right? It's code.

My knees got weak. I laid down on the bed. I felt myself getting wet. Trembling, I started to rub myself...

Oh God. How could this be happening just from a text?

I'm in way over my head here.

This... is happening...?

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Friday, March 21, 2014

Cal/Angie: Preparations, stress and uncertainty

Maybe I'm just an anti-social person, but I wasn't really prepared for the amount of work that goes into being someone's girlfriend. After hanging out together for one night I'm usually satisfied and don't feel the need to see him much for the rest of the week. I think he's been taking this as me not being interested, and maybe that's true... I like him, but I think there's a limit to that. I'm just not willing to let myself get super close to him, because I know he'll only get hurt in the end.

I'm going back to the Inn in June. That's official. It has been for a while, but I thought I would clarify for those of you reading who never heard the news. Roy/Christine took care of all the arrangements, working with her counterpart and helping me corral all of the current occupants of our bodies for the correct arrangements. Knock on wood, everything should be lined up properly. Knowing that, it feels strange that I would even let David into my life.

But I know you understand and are encouraging... he likes me, and I like that he likes me. I think he expects things from me, and while part of me wants to see what it's like to give that, to be with someone that way, I wonder what the point of it is if I'm getting my body in. It's a "once in a lifetime" opportunity, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable, and it feels like a lose-lose situation. If I do it and I don't like it, I might hate myself (and maybe never look a woman in the eye again!) If I do it and I do like it, then how do I go back to being a man? How do I live with myself knowing what I know?

I guess that's going to be a problem anyway. I've kissed David. I've played with myself and enjoyed it. I also enjoyed having a dick of my own. Every argument against doing this feels flimsy. But the coolness between me and David makes me feel so awkward, like I shouldn't bother.

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Thursday, March 06, 2014

Cal/Angie: The eggs are broken

So I might as well tell you this since it's been ages since I posted and maybe you're wondering... I've started dating my co-worker David.

Considering the last post on here is Trish/Robbie telling you about me confessing my feelings for him, you might be confused... well, obviously nobody's more confused than me. For the record, Robbie had my consent to post that, and while the whole thing stung I believe in openness. It's a fair record of what we were going through and he was right.

But that doesn't make me any less lonely.

Like... what is this? What is my life? I get up, I go to work, I don't talk to anyone but co-workers and customers, I keep myself busy, I come home and I just... flop down. I had no life when I was at home in Mass, and if I came all this way just to have no life, I don't think I could take it. I was crying on a near daily basis even before the thing with me and Robbie.

I've known David was interested in me for a long time, and at first it scared me, and worried me, but he was kind enough not to be creepy about it, and indirectly that gave me time to get used to the idea. And I thought it would be smarter to try to date Robbie, because not only do I like him as a person, but we share a secret and, I don't know, I feel closer. I'll always feel that connection, even to the Lowell folks that I've kind of fallen out with.

But I gave it time with David, and he still seemed to like me. So after a few more weeks of constant emotional breakdown I decided the only thing I could try to do was ask him if he wanted to go out on a date.

I know, Robbie was right about it not being smart to date anyone like this, but I couldn't really fight the feelings I was having... not necessarily for David, but for the world, and about myself. I need this, okay?

So we started slow, I started spending time over at his place, and we'd have drinks and do a joint or whatever you call smoking weed. It really relaxes me, and we talk for a while and then... as soon as I feel like it we start touching and he leans in close... and I don't back away. It started with a peck on his lips. It was just the weirdest thing. Here's this guy who isn't that big, I guess but sitting next to him I feel tiny and vulnerable, and he could do whatever he wants, and I'm scared for my life and have no idea what's going to happen next. And he's got these thin, dry lips, and a big of a beard so it scratches against my skin. That shocked me. Not that it happened, just that... I was letting it.

Then as soon as I decided I was okay with that I went in for another one, and we were off and running. I don't know, it's just nice to have someone giving you that kind of attention. Pressing you where you need to be pressed, running their hands up your spine and thigh. I could feel him nervously making his moves, hesitating slightly, seeing where he should move his hands...

Then he found the clasp of my bra, and that was just too much, but I didn't have the words to tell him to stop. And I figured, hey, I didn't think I would like kissing him, why not just let him have this?

In the end it didn't really get comfortable at that level, but thankfully it didn't go any further. When we finally broke off,I was just totally stunned into silence. I haven't kissed anyone like that in a long time, let alone a guy. I flashed through my entire head over the story of how it came to that... months of getting steadily more confused about who I am and what I want, finding myself stumbling over my words or letting my eyes linger on on guys in general, trying to figure out what I really see. Getting that feeling deep inside, like my midsection is pulling my lungs down and my knees getting a little woozy, just because, I don't know, the light hits someone the right way, and admitting what it all adds up to.

We talked it out, and I said I didn't know what it all meant, and I'm really not in a place where I can be counted on to be anyone's girlfriend... but I liked him and I was trying to figure out what it meant. He said that was cool, "obviously," and would do or be whatever I needed, and that was so scarily exactly what I needed to hear that I'm a little afraid he was just saying what I wanted to hear to win points, which... has me really turned around. Again.

I'm still not sure if I feel okay about it, about liking it and letting it happen again, and I really really don't know if it's okay that I'm letting him believe I'm something I'm not, but... well, the egg is broken.

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