Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Alia/Rob: Movie night

Cathy was really into the idea of dragging me out to see the movie with her friends. She was talking about it all week.

I don't know what to make of the situation. If I were a guy, I would think she's into me. Hell, if I were a girl being described the situation I would think she's into the guy. But I've been up front with her about the fact that I am not looking for a relationship of any kind. Still she persists. I've been friends with guys before, but never did such a thorough job of confusing them about what I wanted (I think.)

The sad thing is, I really do like her as a person. I never hear anything about Cliff's interactions with males, aside from her occasional peeks into the men in Raine's, Sarah's, and that other chick's life. I don't know how she's coping with the estrangement of her gender, but I'm feeling really odd about it.

I can say I'm looking forward all I want, and how I know that in a few months, if all goes as planned, I will be myself again. But in the present, part of me just wants to take care of this situation one way or the other.

Unfortunately, that is not what happened. Inaction reigned once again in the life of Alia Frye/Roberto Garcia. Probably for the best, since my last two big dramatic actions have netted me a lot of ill feelings and a male body.

So what did happen? Exactly what you might've expected. I went with Cathy to the movies. We met her four girlfriends, one of whom had a boyfriend. The other guy and I bookended the ladies, with Cathy to my right. They spent the entire film being being alternately appalled and amused by what they saw on the screen - what such a large group of women were doing at such an obvious guy film I had no idea. There were parts they did seem to like, and parts that simply made them groan. The girl with the boyfriend spent the whole night asking him for updates on the plot, and Cathy and I fell into a bit of a running commentary of our own that probably did not amuse those around us.

For my part, the film got more than a few laughs out of me. My mother would be embarrassed, I used to be such a dainty girl, shy about everything. The opening dog-rear joke madem e roll my eyes but subsequent humour related to bodily functions made me laugh more and more as the film went on. Maybe it's the male body, maybe it's just me. I never hated these movies but I definitely don't remember laughing at them like that before.

We all went out for coffee afterward at a ridiculously pretentious pseudo-Starbucks wannabe place. In theory I was getting to know the girls better but I found them too similar to a lot of the gabby shallow types I knew in University, the ones I secretly envied at one point. The boyfriend for his part looked at me with a look of understanding "Yeah dude, I get it," except no, dude, you don't.

I asked Cathy afterward what was up with the film choice, and they explained it was their theory that watching guy flicks made them understand men more. "I know you probably think we all have you figured out, and for the most part we do, but that doesn't mean we don't want to know more."

I laughed, "Trust me, Cathy, I'm a lot more complicated than I let on."

"Oh, is that so?"

And for a second there, it looked like she was going to go in for the kiss, or she was expecting me to do so, but instead of anything, we both stood still - until she poked me in the abs playfully and walked off into the night.

What do you do with a woman like that? Who plays with you one night, then comes back on Monday and talks about this booty call she made. I mean, I've had many conversations with my girlfriends about random dudes, but rarely for the benefit of guys like the one I currently am. She comes up to me Monday at work and says to me "Hey, you wanna know something? After we hung out on Friday night, I called this guy I know. He was busy, so we met up the next night, and..." well there you go.

Why did I need to hear this, I ask. She shrugs and says she just thought I might be able to use it. She looks down at my belt - except not at my belt - and says "don't think I don't notice."

Goddamn this little thing. We disagree about so much.


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Cliff/Tori: Behind closed doors

Most days, I think to myself, "I should post on the blog more" but I can never think of what to write down.

I mean, it used to be so strange to be here. I had all these little experiences about being a woman and about living with Tori's family and I'd save them up, and the ones I didn't write about it was because they were either too personal or they were too boring. About the tenth post I drafted up about how uncomfortable I was sleeping (because it hadn't occurred to me that I shouldn't sleep on my breasts) I began to feel self-conscious about repetition. So if you feel like you're missing any of the story, maybe you are, but I think I'm saying everything that's vital.

I mean, what is my life right now? You can figure it out. I'm still a guy in a girl's body, except that has become so much less shocking over the last 6 or 7 months. I still have my problems, still get taken off-guard sometimes by my hormones depending on the time of month, but it's mainly gotten fairly routine. Sometimes my friends... Tori's friends, but I call them my friends because they are my friends... think I'm lame for not going out with them, but this last month has really given me cause to rein in the social tendencies. I do go out from time to time, I go shopping, I go to bars, but I'm not having any shocking adventures. I almost wish I was, just to talk about it.

But I'm still sane, I'm still me. I've survived this long. In four months time, I will be in Maine, waiting to get my body back.

It feels like so long, but it's so close I can feel it, and that excites me more than anything else.

But there's a bittersweet part to it. I feel really welcome in this family. It's strange: I got the sense from Tori's journals that her family was often talking down to her or or generally negative, but... well, they've been super nice to me. I hate the idea that they like me as Tori better than her, but it shows that if she'd meet them halfway, they'd really appreciate it. For a few months I felt, and acted, like a guest, but they welcomed me in and I really do feel like they're my family.

I considered going up to Buffalo for my (real) birthday, but it coincides with the Easter weekend, and Tori's brother has threatened to disown me if I miss the Eastern gathering at the Pearce house, and since I think he's such a nice guy I've agreed. Plus, being out of my body for so long, it would be weird to go back early, again, as Tori.

Part of me suspects an ulterior motive for Willie even asking me to come up then. We've hardly spoken since we made arrangements for the Inn, partially a conscious decision on my part due to the effect he had on me the last time I was there, which led to me having a long, still-unresolved identity crisis thing. I almost wish he and I had gone all the way, because then I would know something. At best, I've got whatever gets me going when I play with myself. It's not guys, and it's not girls, it's just myself. The only thing that really turns me on is the idea of being alone with myself. But then thoughts of my own male face looking down at me, smiling, taking me by the hand... I can't deny I get a bit of a shiver when I think back on it, and I still have no idea what that means.

I'm worried, in short, that Willie would want to take advantage of that, and though I think he's a very nice person, I'm taking Alia's advice not to complicate things. Not now.

Like I said, I've gotten so attached to Tori's family that I feel like they deserve my presence if they want it. That goes for her parents, and even Mae. Oh, man, Mae, I feel so bad for her. Tori is still not a big fan of hers, even though she's been a very good sister to me. I feel like we've sort of matured together, and it will be a shame to let go of that. But that's the future. Let me tell you about the present.

I came home the other night from work and went up the stairs, to just kick back in my room for a while, when I came across Mae crouched down next to "mom & dad's" room. I asked "What's going on?" and with a weird, serious look on her face, she mouths the words "Mom and dad are fighting."

I feel my stomach sink. Mr. and Mrs. Pearce have been like my own parents, and they seem to be very close. I always see them joking around,quite lovey-dovey, they have a weekly date night. I haven't seen them fight at all since I got here. So, feeling some concern, I crouched down and put my ear to the door.

I listened for some yelling or some arguing, or something, but all I could hear were muffled sounds of... I wasn't entirely sure. And then it dawned on me. And Mae, seeing the look of my face, got a grin on her face three miles wide. Mom and dad weren't fighting, they were fucking! The increasingly-loud female moans inside confirmed this.

Embarrassed, I rushed off to my room. Mae gave chase, following me to my room and shutting the door behind her, laughing her ass off as soon as it was shut. for my part, I could hardly breathe I was laughing so hard. I don't know why it was funny, it just was.

"Your face!" she wheezed, "Your fucking face was so--!"

"That was not cool! Why were you listening to that?"

She explained, since her room shares a wall with theirs, she hears them anytime they do it, and she felt like I deserved the privilege as well. My face was red with shock and embarrassment. I buried my face in my pillow. Mae joined me on the bed, lying widthwise, we just sat there trying to get over it until she observed, "Jeez, Vic, what's up with your room?" (I should point out that although all Tori's friends call her Tori, her family switches between Tori and Vic/Vicki/Victoria. Mae uses Vic most often, because I think Tori has said she doesn't like it.)

I don't have many visitors. At present time, my room is a schizophrenic cross between a girl who has just moved in (boxes everywhere) and a girl who can't clean up after herself (clothes everywhere.) "I'm just... busy, I guess. It doesn't bother me."

"Jeez, no wonder you're not getting any action. Guys can't get hard for a slob like you."

"Hey," I pointed out, "When a guy gets a shot at someone like this," I gestured at my body, "the last thing he's looking at are the bras on the floor." The observation felt a little sleazy as I said it, but I have to admit it's true.

She snorted, somewhat-lovingly, "You're so full of yourself, Tori. I used to hate that about you. You're still pretty hard to live with sometimes. I mean, shit, you know what I mean? I love you and everything, but sometimes you walk around like you haven't got a clue what's going on around here."

"It's been a confusing year for me," I say, trying to reach some semblance of honesty.

"I can be a bitch sometimes, I know," she admitted. Then she looked at me, expecting em to admit the same.

"I do my best, Mae." I got a little tripped up, "You're my little sister. It hasn't always been easy, but... you know? We get along now, right?"

"Yeah," she smiled. Then she spotted a top on the floor. "Is that mine?"

"Huh? Oh, no, that's mine." It was just a plaid top I picked up back in October when I was staying with Tori and Rob in Louisville.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you dress like that sometimes..." it was definitely more "her" style, but I don't really conform to any particular style. Some days I indulge in Tori's frilly clothes, some days I like the basic workshirt-looking ones. That's the amazing thing about women's clothes. She unbunched it, "You mind if I...?"

"Sure, go ahead," I shrugged.

Then, sitting right there, she took her top off, and I should note she was not wearing a bra. I mean, it's not like she flashed me - she did twist her body away modestly, but I did see everything.

It was weird how comfortable she was doing that. I watched her button up the shirt.

Mae is a bit smaller than me, has rounder hips and about the same size of a chest. There would be a stronger family resemblance if we had the same hairstyle, but I have kept Tori's long hair because I'm not interested in making that kind of change. Also she sometimes wears reading glasses, plastic-framed emo-type glasses.

She smoothed out the chest. Only the middle buttons were done up. She cupped the underside of her breasts, I guess to simulate a bra. I watched this, expecting to be caught leering.

I want to clarify... I'm not lusting after her or anything. She's young, and she's my sister. But after all these months I'm still curious about how women feel about their bodies, and Mae caught me off guard with her comfort. Maybe it's a sisterly thing, maybe it's particular to her.

She did catch the look on my face eventually, and asked what was up with it. I said, "How would you feel if I took off my top right now?"

She shrugged, "Well, I wouldn't stare. I'd probably be a little jealous. I don't know. Wouldn't weird me out. You're the one who goes skinny dipping with those friends of yours, hot tubbing and shit. Is it weird 'cause I'm your sister?"

"A little bit."

Irritated, she unbuttoned the top again, letting her breasts hang. I tried not to stare. She looked me in the eye, I was very confused. She began to laugh, "Oh my God, you are totally freaked out right now!" she looked down at herself then back at me. "Shit, Tori, they're just breasts!"

"Yeah, but--" I stammered, "They're your breasts!"

Still laughing, she slipped the top back on, but instead of buttoning it, clutched the two sides with her hand and lay back on the bed. "You're so weird."

Then after a silence, she sighed, "I think me and Ed are gonna end soon."

"Oh yeah?"

"It was probably a mistake to have sex with him. We were going so well before that, and then we did it... I mean, I like sex, a lot more than I thought I would, but Ed won't stop asking about it. It's so annoying. He didn't used to be this way."

"Boys," I sighed, lying back, "I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it's just..." I stopped. I really had no clue what to say. Somewhere inside of me is a boy who is still glad he can see a pair of tits whenever he wants, feel a pussy, even if they're his. I shouldn't put myself down. I corrected myself, "Even if they really are all like that, the good ones can hide it."

She sat up and said, "Mom and dad are probably done now, I'm gonna go back to my room."

She walked off in my shirt. "Don't be a stranger..." I called out. Not looking back, she gave me a thumbs up.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Alia/Rob: Middle ground

My life - and by that I mean Rob's life as led by me - is exhausting.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't have much of a life outside of the job. Cathy was on my case about this as we supervised the cafeteria today. I keep telling her we're not kids, and that by the time I get home from my after-school commitments, I'm usually too tired to do anything.

I make fun of her for nagging me and ask, "What are you, my wife?" unconsciously forgetting the implications of that statement.

She replies, "Ouch," then pauses a moment to let the meaning settle. Awkward. Then she continues, "No, I'm your friend. I want you to get out there and meet people, have fun while there's time. Don't get old too soon." Too late, I think, but anyway. "Do you do anything but work, watch TV and sleep?"

"Sure," I say, trying to defend myself, wanting to seem like it was true. "I go to movies, I... grocery shop... laundromat."

She laughs, "Errands don't count, buddy! You told me you were busy on Valentine's day. Don't tell me you were folding shirts."

"No, that was a real... well, it was platonic." I had a note of shame in my voice, not because I wish it weren't, but because it's irritating that Cathy is so right and yet so wrong.

"Look," she says, "Once a month, some friends and I go out to see a movie. Usually something we can laugh at. Next week, we're gonna go see that Hot Tub Time Travel movie."

"Hot Tub Time Machine," I correct her.

"You should come along, okay?"

I roll my eyes. "What kind of friends? Women?"

"Mostly, but it's a mix. one of my girlfriends usually brings her boyfriend, too, even though we can't really stand him. Otherwise I think you'd like them."

"What do you mean I'd like them? Is this a fix-up or something?" I start to get really defensive for no good reason.

"What? No!" she says in a way that means kinda, adding "Look, I'm not gonna lie. I do think it would be cool if you ended up liking one of my friends, but that isn't what this is about. I just want to hang out with you in a non-school setting for once, let you loosen up."

I give her the benefit of the doubt. Listen, I think Cathy's a really cool woman. She reminds me of myself. Smart, with a bit of a playful streak, but less vulnerable. My problem is that once I started dating Todd, I became sort of a "guys' girl," because I realized I hadn't enjoyed the company of women that much in my teen life. Now that I'm a guy, it's sort of coming back estranged (this is my vague recollection of Freud) and I like it. So I do want to hang out with her, but I don't want to lead her, or any of her friends, on.

So I agree to it. I've kind of followed the opposite path from Cliff... she got really social pretty quickly and regretted it, and I've been anti-social this whole time and regret it. We both need to find middle ground.