Monday, February 11, 2013

Tori: Alone in the Cold

In the past few months I've watched my world rapidly change just because my friends all started doing things. I had gotten used to this uneventful status quo where Raine was always trying to meet guys, Sara and Thom were my dependable couple friends, and I was in a solid relationship of my own, whether my job was fulfilling or not. Then stuff happened. Alex and I ended. Thom and Sara got married. Even Raine changed her circumstances - she made a New Year's Resolution to make a difference so she went to volunteer in Africa for two months. That leaves me with a lot of nights alone channel surfing. This place is starting to feel like my college place, except with more tampons.

I should take more initiative. I didn't need to go looking for guys the last two boyfriends I had. Even the one before that (remember Leo, my first "casual fling?") just kind of happened. And I would really love for something to just "happen" now, but it won't if I don't leave my house ever, and I don't want to do that either.

I should note that Raine and Sara aren't my only friends, but a lot of my other single girlfriends are pretty hardcore clubgoers and I just don't have the energy for that anymore. The last two winters I was in really comfortable relationships! I could stay in and be warm. I asked one friend if she knew any guys who were looking and she gave me this laugh, like "If I knew any quality guys, I'd be dating them." True enough. I guess it's tough out there.

I'm embarrassed to say this, but the only single guy I know right now is eighteen years old. You remember Adam, the kid I met at Sara and Thom's wedding? Well, it was his birthday in January. I know this because he added me on Facebook. I have to admit, I did invite him to do so... hey, what can I say, I was a bit tipsy. I didn't realize he would end up liking half my posts and any photos of me without another guy in it or dressed even slightly revealing. It's clear the kid has a bit of a crush... and it's not like I can blame him. He reminds me so much of me when I was that age, and if I met a girl who looked like me, who gave him even half a chance, I would be very gung ho about it myself.

I've thought about it. Definitely more than I should. I'm sure he cleans up well, and it would definitely be a confidence booster for him if not me. For me it would be like some weird fantasy fulfillment for teenage me. Fucking myself by proxy. How awful.

It sounds so stupid when I type it out in front of me like that, that I haven't discouraged it yet. I've talked with him a bit and toyed with the idea of actually hanging out with him in a platonic way. What can I say, he found me at a vulnerable time, when I could use a little non-threatening attention. Most of the guys that go for me are cheesy, cocky douches. I'm probably going to crack and end up with one of them sooner or later, especially if my only alternative is barely legal and still in high school. What he needs is someone his own age with no skeletons in her closet, and what I need is someone with a future, who knows what they're doing with a woman and is comfortable sitting around watching her eat ice cream and drink vodka coolers.

Okay, okay, this is not the most upbeat post I've ever done. I have nobody to blame for myself for this, honestly... it's like I'm just sitting around waiting for someone to tell me what to do with this life, instead of living it myself. This is true for dating as well as work, where I'm going through the motions and getting more tired of it every day. I'm in a holding pattern instead of taking action. You only get one life... sorta.

Time to search the want ads.

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