Thursday, March 28, 2013

Tori: Woah hold on.

Here I am, complaining about boy troubles, and all of a sudden I get an e-mail.

It's from my old employer. Offering me a job.

Alex -- or whoever looks like him nowadays -- is leaving his job. And he's recommending me for his replacement.

I'm just... floored. I don't know what to think.

I would so love to go back there. Get out of my rut, get my life moving again. But I'm suspicious... whoever this person is, he's probably mixed up in the same stuff George/Alex was, and I dson't know if I can trust him. Can I just take this offer at face value? What does he know about me? What does he expect me to do?

Should I go talk to this person and find out if he's on the up and up? Could it possibly end well?

I'm suddenly very dizzy.

Tori: Let down

After our date, I waited for Irwin to get in contact with me. My experience with guys has usually been pretty positive, they've liked me when I've liked them. We didn't play head games and test each other. So I got a little irritated when a week flew by and Irwin was still pretty dodgy about when we were going to see each other again.

And then some more time went by and I realized we weren't going to see each other again. That was it. I was a one-night stand to him.

I reminded myself that I wasn't that into him to begin with. All the chemistry we had at first completely disappeared when we actually tried to go out on a date. Yes, he was smart and handsome, and the sex was... good enough, I guess? I thought it was worth a try. Apparently he didn't. And I feel like an idiot.

When I was a guy, I didn't do that. I wasn't that guy. I was way too intimidated. But I wanted to be. I remember feebly trying to hit on Alia when we first met at the Inn. My friends maybe weren't pickup artists but they weren't doing badly with women. And since I've been a woman, I've been pretty good at sensing which guys were really interested in me, and staying away from guys who just wanted a night.

I don't know. I realize, it was sex, I got my end of the bargain too, and there were no promises, I just figured there was still some potential there or at the very least a second date so I could decide. But he made his decision, and fair enough. It's not like he lied to my face, he just took the easy way out after. And this is a pretty mild version of what a lot of women have to put up with.

Look, I don't want to have to go out and find a new guy every time I want some action. All I want is some consistent attention from a guy I actually want to be around. My last two relationships totally spoiled me. I'm really not a one-night stand type of gal.

Having said that... it's got my hormones worked up into a frenzy because suddenly my body remembers what I'm missing out on. I can't seem to win!

Tori problems. Thanks for listening.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Tori: Good medicine

I'm no good at dating, I think.

I'm pretty good at being in a relationship. I think I'm so used to that that on a "date," I come on a bit strong and have overly high expectations on my date. My showing last night was pretty embarrassing, I can't even remember what I was babbling about. I don't think it went well.

I felt like a lot of the chemistry we had on our first meeting was suddenly gone, and I was talking to a different person (and don't think for a second that doesn't give me pause!) Yes, he's into some nerdy things like Doctor Who and Game of Thrones but he's not like the kind of "nerdy" guy I like, he's also really into sports and spent half the night talking about the Eagles and UFC.

I was going to make a joke about how it's a good thing I'm not a guy anymore, but I know for a fact that it's possible to be a charming, likeable, successful guy and not give a damn about football. Sorry, gents.

So I sat there, trying to nod along politely and remember what I liked about this guy. He's handsome, fills out a suit well, and pretty funny (when we're talking about a subject I understand.) I could do worse, and I hadn't been with anyone in six months...

So I went home with him.

It was pretty impulsive, I'm usually very guarded, especially lately, but I just needed to blow off some steam and remind myself what I was in this for. I still hadn't made up my mind as we were walking up to his apartment - I could've walked away at any point - but we got through the door and the place was neat and tidy and I figured, hey, this guy's got it pretty together. And in the light of day I'm thinking it's a little sad that that's my only criterion.

So I kissed him, and he wrapped his arms around my waist and guided me to the couch and I climbed on top and we started making out, and surprise, he started feeling me up... so I felt him up (and down) and well, you know how it goes.

I considered staying the night, but he said he gets up at 6 AM to go running, and it was OK if I wanted to put up with that, but I was also welcome to leave, so I did because I felt like I could use the sleep. I figure we'll work out our next steps from here. It's kind of nice to be back in the game. I hope I manage to get into the groove more, and we start to gel after this.


Friday, March 15, 2013

Tori: All dressed up in a suit and tie...

Why do men love boobs?

It's a question I never really thought about when I was a guy. I just did. I liked the shape of them, the size of them, the look and feel of them, to the extent I ever felt them. I can almost remember turning my head to stare at a woman as she walked by. Sometimes I still do, but not with the same thoughts.

Every guy I've ever been with has gone straight for my tits. As soon as they've got you making out, you can expect the hand to come up, reaching under the shirt, feeling the underwire... sometimes they go right under, sometimes they go straight for the clasp. They like to grope, feel, squeeze... it doesn't always make the situation better for me (God knows I hated it for a while even after I started dating guys) but if you really like someone, you'll let them do just about anything. Plus they definitely feel good to be kissed or touched ever so lightly... or hard.

I'm probably more understanding about that than a lot of girls but as I look myself in the mirror tonight, getting ready for a date, making sure I have my cleavage just perfect, I find myself so exhausted by them and the attention they get. Life might've been easier for me if I'd wound up as a flat-chested girl, but the inn gave me something to work with.

Dressing up. Going out. I remember when that just meant a suit and tie and the most uncomfortable thing was the shoes. Now... well, it's still the shoes, but there's the bra and the makeup and all that time-consuming makeup.

So yes, I started dating again. And no, it's not an 18-year-old, it's a guy I met at a singles event in February. I saw him checking me out from across the room and at first I was rolling my eyes but we got to talking and he impressed me. His name's Irwin. We had a mutual friend, a co-worker of mine to help break the ice. At first I didn't know what to say, but he didn't try any lines, he just started making conversation, asking me about my work and my life, and what TV shows I watched - we bonded over Doctor Who - and before I knew it I was talking to him like we already knew each other.

He's African-American. He asked me if I thought there was a difference between dating black guys and white guys. I said I don't know because I've never dated a black guy. And then my face turned bright red because "Oh my God did that sound racist??"

He laughed, and then said yeah, you'd have to be a little racist to live in Philly your whole life and never date a black guy. He was joking but I felt so self-conscious because I grew up in Buffalo in an area which is whiter than you can imagine, but as you know my "official" story is that I grew up in Philly, which is very diverse. And yeah, I think Tori has dated African-Americans, guys who tried to get in contact with me for a while after I became her, then stopped calling after I never answered. Anyway, he used this embarrassment to convince me I needed to go out with him. If he wasn't so damn charming (and a Whovian to boot) I probably wouldn't have been so easily won over. The alcohol probably helped, as did the dryspell.

Anyway, time passed and we kept putting off our date for this reason or that, but tonight is the night and I decided to check in on the blog to let you know how things were going with me... I know my world isn't exactly in full gear anymore but it's still my life and you are always still so welcoming.