This is my fourth Christmas as a woman. This year, because there's not a ton going on in my life, I found myself thinking back to the first one.
I remember the stress of getting presents for a "family" that still felt largely like strangers, or at most recent acquaintances. I remember drilling the "real" Tori for ideas for mom and my brother Ken and my relief that I could relate somewhat to my new tech-loving dad and tomboyish sister Mae.
I remember having to feign excitement on Christmas morning as I opened boxes of cosmetics and fashions and jewellery that reminded me how uncomfortable I was in my new body, how the world wanted me to look, how much I didn't know. It was intimidating and scary and frustrating and annoying... and because I was "playing" Tori, I had to smile.
Then a little later I took it all out and laid all the clothes out on my bed and thought how it wasn't any different from what I was already wearing... clothes are clothes, after all, and even more, these would be clothes that the first Tori never wore, stuff that was all mine from the first go, picked out for me by someone with a better sense than I had. It was like how I went shopping with Karen when I visited her down in Louisville.
I'm still not exactly a fashionista, but I at least enjoy buying clothes, and I certainly don't mind dressing up now and again, if the situation calls for it. Most importantly, I enjoy, rather than resent, getting them as gifts. As a man I didn't need much in the way of new clothing, and it's still true that most of the year if I know I want something I buy it for myself... but the unexpected upside to the world of women is that there are always more clothes and accessories. Once I would have thought they were just for frivolous, style-obsessed girly girls, but even basic chicks like me can appreciate a nice-fitting top or a cool scarf.
It's taken a few years, but I've finally gotten the hang of these extended family gatherings... there were so many uncles and aunts and cousins I just never saw often enough to learn their names. It's been long enough that cousins who were just tweens when I met them are blossoming into wonderful gawky teens.
When Ken and Jana arrived with the baby, the family all congregated around to hear their tales of new parenthood. I'll admit, I love them as much as anything in this whole world but I've seen a lot of them lately, and I've heard all the stories, and they had a lot of people to catch up with, so I excused myself to the basement to idly putter around.
Surprisingly, I was followed by my sister Mae. One of my early great memories was from that first Christmas, bonding with Ken. Mae and I have gotten closer, but she remains elusive. I've been wrapped up in my own life too, so I don't blame her, that I don't really know what's going on with her.
I welcomed her into the rec room and cracked her a beer. "Don't tell anyone I gave you this."
"Everyone knows I drink," she said.
"Yeah, but I'm not supposed to approve."
"So how are you doing?" she asked, "With the breakup and all."
A few years ago she wouldn't have asked, except to bait me for snark, but she seemed genuinely interested. "Honestly? I don't know. Alex and I left things off on such a... weird note. But I miss him."
"Think you'd get back together?" she swigged.
"Out of the question. The reason we broke up... well, he wasn't who I thought he was. There were things between us that can't be undone. I have to move forward. But it's weird... none of that changes the way I feel about him, and somehow that's worse."
"You and your drama," she said. "If you like someone, just stay with them. Figure it out."
"Some things are more important than one guy or another," I told her with a smile, "And believe me, when it comes down to it, as much as I liked him... loved him... that's all he was. One guy. There was only so much... there was only so far I was willing to go to be with him. What he wanted, no guy is worth."
"And what was that?"
"Hm.... I don't know," I admitted. "Control, I think."
We talked a bit longer before finally being called back for dinner and other shenanigans. In my happy, drunken phase, I found myself wondering about the new - that is, the real - Alex, what he was doing with that life. It wouldn't be too hard for me to find him, I know he's still out there... but I convinced myself it would be selfish and perverse to assume I had any place in his life just because I dated someone who looked like him.
Then just as I was getting used to the idea of moving on, I found out one more thing. Sara and Thom bought a house in Delaware. These two people I've known almost as long as I've been this person, are headed out into the world to start their lives together. They're the same age as this body and considerably younger than my old one... but they're ready. And I'm nowhere near that. And that's just been nagging at me. I hope I haven't just been wasting my time, you know? The extra years I got from becoming Tori. I have to remember that I'm not really as old as I feel... I've still got time. There's a lot of fun I can have.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Matt/Gabrielle: This is...wrong
When I was in junior high health class we watched a video about peer pressure and how it wasn't cool to give in when your friends made it seem like you weren't cool for drinking or doing drugs or having sex. I honestly never understood the last one, because while there was peer encouragement to have sex there weren't exactly a lot of opportunities to feel pressured, at least not for me, I wasn't that cool in junior high. But rest assured, if some girl were pressuring me into having sex, junior high me would have jumped at the chance.
Maybe that part was aimed more at the girls, who were fighting off horny boys like myself. I can commiserate lately because it seems like everyone expects me to be sexual when I don't feel like it at all. Going from a man in my 20s to a woman in my 30s there is a steep drop off in sex drive, so much so that I don't actively notice it because sex is the furthest thing from my mind. Between the soreness constant jiggling and the stress of child raising and home making (oh, and my period. THAT was interesting), I don't have the time to feel sexy.
This of course is a great disappointment to Dustin, who is suddenly finding himself in a sexless marriage with a woman he understands less and less each day. I feel bad for the guy, I really do, but that doesn't mean I'm going to do something I'm not comfortable doing. Some of the readers of this blog aren't helping either. I guess they think that most every man who turned into a woman and wrote about it had sex at some point that eventually I'll have to do so. I've gotten comments saying “Give him a blowjob” or “How about a handjob” and the worst “You're going to have to do it SOMETIME”. Seriously guys, that's right out of the cheesy video. This past week however I received sexual pressure from a more disturbing place: Lacey.
Dustin and Isabella were out of the house last Saturday and I was in the bedroom just out of the shower and getting dressed when I felt two hands grab my behind. Thinking it was Dustin needing the brush off I turned around and saw Lacey grinning at me.
“You really do have a nice ass for someone youre age” she teased
“Out” I ordered “I'm getting dressed”
“Not like I haven't seen most of it before” she said with a flirty grin that looked a little creepy “Although I wouldn't mind seeing the rest of it” and with that she put her arms on my hips and kissed my neck.
I pushed her off “What are you DOING?”
“We have the house to ourselves all day” she shrugged “I figured we could fool around. It's been awhile”
“ARE YOU INSANE?” I whisper-screamed
“Why not?”
“I'm your MOTHER” I hissed
“No, youre my boyfriend” she said matter of factly. “In the body of some random woman who I don't really see as my mother. My mother lives in New York”
“So you see me as a potential lover?”
“I see you as MY lover. The one I've been in a long term monogamous relationship with for a long time. Besides, when else are we going to have an opportunity to have sex like this? With me as the man, and you as the woman. You can't tell me you aren't curious.”
I digested what she said for a moment. This was Lacey. The woman I've slept with countless times. We were the same people on the inside and I didn't see my son when I looked at her, just some teenager. But all I thought about the scene towards the end of Back to the Future, where Marty is in the car about to make out with his mom in the back of the car and she looks at him and stops and says “This is wrong”. For all she knew he was Calvin Klein. She had no conscious idea that it was her son or even that she would have a son, but something inside her told her not to do that. I felt something similar. I know Lacey is not Wesley and I know Wesley is not my son, but there's some innate feeling inside of me that I get when I look at her or Isabella. I never gave birth to them nor have I raised them, but I still feel SOMETHING I can't put my finger on.
“No” I said firmly “Its just wrong. I'm your mother so its incest, you're under 18 so its statutory rape, and I'm not comfortable being a girl so its weird. We aren't having sex like this”
“At all?” she said annoyed “Well then its going to be a LONG year, because I am constantly horny.”
“Get some porno, its all over the internet”
“I did that like the 2nd day here” she explained “It helped, but it's not the real thing. I want the real thing. A lot. This thing has a hair trigger, how the hell do men get anything done?”
“It kind of dies down when you get older, but yeah at 14 you just gotta deal with it”
“Yeah, well I'll be in my room dealing with it. Knock first if you come in”
She left and I finished getting dressed. We had an awkward dinner that night with me unable to make eye contact with her. I remember being 14 and feel kind of bad for her but theres no way I'm crossing that many taboos, no matter how much I care for her.
She should watch that video, maybe she'd quit trying to pressure me.
Maybe that part was aimed more at the girls, who were fighting off horny boys like myself. I can commiserate lately because it seems like everyone expects me to be sexual when I don't feel like it at all. Going from a man in my 20s to a woman in my 30s there is a steep drop off in sex drive, so much so that I don't actively notice it because sex is the furthest thing from my mind. Between the soreness constant jiggling and the stress of child raising and home making (oh, and my period. THAT was interesting), I don't have the time to feel sexy.
This of course is a great disappointment to Dustin, who is suddenly finding himself in a sexless marriage with a woman he understands less and less each day. I feel bad for the guy, I really do, but that doesn't mean I'm going to do something I'm not comfortable doing. Some of the readers of this blog aren't helping either. I guess they think that most every man who turned into a woman and wrote about it had sex at some point that eventually I'll have to do so. I've gotten comments saying “Give him a blowjob” or “How about a handjob” and the worst “You're going to have to do it SOMETIME”. Seriously guys, that's right out of the cheesy video. This past week however I received sexual pressure from a more disturbing place: Lacey.
Dustin and Isabella were out of the house last Saturday and I was in the bedroom just out of the shower and getting dressed when I felt two hands grab my behind. Thinking it was Dustin needing the brush off I turned around and saw Lacey grinning at me.
“You really do have a nice ass for someone youre age” she teased
“Out” I ordered “I'm getting dressed”
“Not like I haven't seen most of it before” she said with a flirty grin that looked a little creepy “Although I wouldn't mind seeing the rest of it” and with that she put her arms on my hips and kissed my neck.
I pushed her off “What are you DOING?”
“We have the house to ourselves all day” she shrugged “I figured we could fool around. It's been awhile”
“ARE YOU INSANE?” I whisper-screamed
“Why not?”
“I'm your MOTHER” I hissed
“No, youre my boyfriend” she said matter of factly. “In the body of some random woman who I don't really see as my mother. My mother lives in New York”
“So you see me as a potential lover?”
“I see you as MY lover. The one I've been in a long term monogamous relationship with for a long time. Besides, when else are we going to have an opportunity to have sex like this? With me as the man, and you as the woman. You can't tell me you aren't curious.”
I digested what she said for a moment. This was Lacey. The woman I've slept with countless times. We were the same people on the inside and I didn't see my son when I looked at her, just some teenager. But all I thought about the scene towards the end of Back to the Future, where Marty is in the car about to make out with his mom in the back of the car and she looks at him and stops and says “This is wrong”. For all she knew he was Calvin Klein. She had no conscious idea that it was her son or even that she would have a son, but something inside her told her not to do that. I felt something similar. I know Lacey is not Wesley and I know Wesley is not my son, but there's some innate feeling inside of me that I get when I look at her or Isabella. I never gave birth to them nor have I raised them, but I still feel SOMETHING I can't put my finger on.
“No” I said firmly “Its just wrong. I'm your mother so its incest, you're under 18 so its statutory rape, and I'm not comfortable being a girl so its weird. We aren't having sex like this”
“At all?” she said annoyed “Well then its going to be a LONG year, because I am constantly horny.”
“Get some porno, its all over the internet”
“I did that like the 2nd day here” she explained “It helped, but it's not the real thing. I want the real thing. A lot. This thing has a hair trigger, how the hell do men get anything done?”
“It kind of dies down when you get older, but yeah at 14 you just gotta deal with it”
“Yeah, well I'll be in my room dealing with it. Knock first if you come in”
She left and I finished getting dressed. We had an awkward dinner that night with me unable to make eye contact with her. I remember being 14 and feel kind of bad for her but theres no way I'm crossing that many taboos, no matter how much I care for her.
She should watch that video, maybe she'd quit trying to pressure me.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Tori: Easier but not easy
Every so often I read this blog and I hear about people who are in the same or similar situation to mine from a few years ago... people who are in a body, a life totally different from their own. Matt's case strikes me because even though the body I am in is nothing like Gabrielle's... and neither is my life... I feel like I relate greatly to him in this state. Even out of respect, I call him "him" despite the fact that his body is female, because at that time I would've wanted to be called "him" too... it's a sanity thing.
As I commented, I hope that Matt, as many of our colleagues do, finds his way to his proper body. If he doesn't though - or at least in the meantime while he can't... I'll say what I can to comfort him. And that's that it gets easier. I'm sure he's already noticed. It gets easier every day to look yourself in the mirror and see a person you can identify as yourself. It gets easier to do things you never thought you'd have to, for your appearance or for your everyday life... it gets easier to play the part, maybe because there's a part of that person left inside of us - there's so much we don't understand about the brain and body - or maybe because we're just adaptable. It gets easier to dress and act and become someone else. Scarily easy, too. I was thinking about this the other day and it made me sad.
I was thinking about friends from high school, some of whom I had long lost touch with before my transformation. I think, fantasize even about how much different life would have been if I had been this instead of that. If I would have been someone I liked or if I would have been like the real Tori. I know the exact sort of people the real Tori was friends with then. They weren't my biggest fans and I wasn't theirs.
It's gotten easier for me to be Tori now, but it remains hard, maybe even harder, to forget I ever was Cliff. To pretend like I don't have a past, that I didn't always wear a bra and makeup. I feel guilty that I take a much greater interest in my looks today than the girls who shared my interests in high school (probably the reason why I didn't date them... I was fantasizing about the Toris of the world!)
When I was at Sara and Thoms wedding I ended up getting a little drunk and having a heart-to-heart with some distant relative of Thom's, this 17-year-old kid named Adam. He looked so intimidated by me and I temporarily forgot what effect someone with my looks has on a kid like that. I was ducking out from all the be-suited bros on the dancefloor and he was sitting apart.
I asked him if he was having a good time. He feigned yes, but I got him to admit he felt uncomfortable. I said I knew what he meant... when I as his age I would've rather been at home than dragged out to an event like this, especially without anyone I knew. He seemed confused by this and I told him "You'll just have to take my word for it, I didn't always look like this." Once I put him at ease he was a nice kid to talk to, opening up about his school life and home life. I overlooked the fact that he was transfixed by my chest, because the poor kid probably doesn't have a lot of female friends... although if he wants to get some he should probably knock that off.
Anyway, since I've been thinking about that, it occurred to me that I've hardly been out since, and have really let my social life take a hit since my breakup with Alex. I realized that if I want to meet a guy, I'm going to have to actually meet a guy. I don't feel like I can trust that another one will just fall into my lap. It's almost time to get out there. Scary thought. I've never been "out there" before.
As I commented, I hope that Matt, as many of our colleagues do, finds his way to his proper body. If he doesn't though - or at least in the meantime while he can't... I'll say what I can to comfort him. And that's that it gets easier. I'm sure he's already noticed. It gets easier every day to look yourself in the mirror and see a person you can identify as yourself. It gets easier to do things you never thought you'd have to, for your appearance or for your everyday life... it gets easier to play the part, maybe because there's a part of that person left inside of us - there's so much we don't understand about the brain and body - or maybe because we're just adaptable. It gets easier to dress and act and become someone else. Scarily easy, too. I was thinking about this the other day and it made me sad.
I was thinking about friends from high school, some of whom I had long lost touch with before my transformation. I think, fantasize even about how much different life would have been if I had been this instead of that. If I would have been someone I liked or if I would have been like the real Tori. I know the exact sort of people the real Tori was friends with then. They weren't my biggest fans and I wasn't theirs.
It's gotten easier for me to be Tori now, but it remains hard, maybe even harder, to forget I ever was Cliff. To pretend like I don't have a past, that I didn't always wear a bra and makeup. I feel guilty that I take a much greater interest in my looks today than the girls who shared my interests in high school (probably the reason why I didn't date them... I was fantasizing about the Toris of the world!)
When I was at Sara and Thoms wedding I ended up getting a little drunk and having a heart-to-heart with some distant relative of Thom's, this 17-year-old kid named Adam. He looked so intimidated by me and I temporarily forgot what effect someone with my looks has on a kid like that. I was ducking out from all the be-suited bros on the dancefloor and he was sitting apart.
I asked him if he was having a good time. He feigned yes, but I got him to admit he felt uncomfortable. I said I knew what he meant... when I as his age I would've rather been at home than dragged out to an event like this, especially without anyone I knew. He seemed confused by this and I told him "You'll just have to take my word for it, I didn't always look like this." Once I put him at ease he was a nice kid to talk to, opening up about his school life and home life. I overlooked the fact that he was transfixed by my chest, because the poor kid probably doesn't have a lot of female friends... although if he wants to get some he should probably knock that off.
Anyway, since I've been thinking about that, it occurred to me that I've hardly been out since, and have really let my social life take a hit since my breakup with Alex. I realized that if I want to meet a guy, I'm going to have to actually meet a guy. I don't feel like I can trust that another one will just fall into my lap. It's almost time to get out there. Scary thought. I've never been "out there" before.
Monday, December 03, 2012
Matt/Gabrielle: Thankful that its Over
No, “it” isn't over. I did not change back into myself. That's not why its been a couple of weeks since I posted. I'm still in Florida. I'm still in Gabrielle. I'm just in a bit more trouble. I had hoped to post once a week or so in hopes of keeping myself sane and reminding me who I really am, but that got derailed recently by something I could never think about again: Thanksgiving.
I know right? Who doesn't like thanksgiving? It's the ultimate American holiday. Non denominational, tons of food, football. It's worth spending time around relatives just to lounge around and enjoy yourself. What you don't always think of is the fact that behind every thanksgiving dinner is someone busting their ass in the kitchen, and this year that person was me and I didn't want to do it. Blame traditional gender roles or something but cooking thanksgiving dinner was something I would never in my wildest dreams have seen myself doing, but all of a sudden I was responsible for cooking a huge variety of foods I didn't know how to cook.
I tried to beg out of it, but Dustin wouldn't let me. “You're the one who insisted that we have it at our house this year, you argued with my mom for days before she agreed to it. You' can't back out now, plus I've already bought most of the food”. So once again I was locked into a situation created by something that Gabrielle said before I was her. (This happens quite a lot, that woman has said lots of things that have caused me grief, chief among them: I do).
I figured if I had to do it, I was going to do it as simple as possible. Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, yams were the menu items. Stereotypical thanksgiving food, nothing fancy or tricky. I went online for instructions on how to cook them and got up 5am Thursday to being prepping.
I was a little behind schedule when people started arriving at 9. Apparently “family thanksgiving” meant Dustin' brother, his wife and their two kids, his sister, her husband, and their three kids and my newly acquired mortal enemy, his mother Georgia.
At first meeting, Georgia seemed like a nice person. She came in the door all smiles and hugs, especially for her sons and the children all seemed to love hugging and getting presents from Yaya Georgia (I think that's what it was). She's a pretty unassuming woman to look at. Less than 5 feet tall, gray hair in a bun, a rounded shape, and a heavy Greek accent she looked quite normal for someone in her 60s. However if I had to guess I'd put her actual age closer to 200 owing to what can only be a pact with Satan.
After her initial greetings and catching up she came into the kitchen to help me cook, and by help me cook I mean passive-aggressively reminding me why she was the better person to do it. Apparently she and the real Gabrielle had argued for weeks over where to have the meal and eventually the old woman reluctantly agreed.
While she was reminding me that this difficult undertaking was what I wanted she was also criticizing, she was quite good at that. She had a criticism for everything. “You're chopping that too large. you're chopping that too small. Not enough seasoning. You're behind schedule. Not enough traditional Greek dishes. You've gained weight. My son hasn't gained enough weight. I need more grandchildren.” It is a testament to my patience that that woman made it out of the house alive after doing that in close proximity to me and several knives. This is Florida. I've seen Dexter. I think I could get rid of a body if I had too.
Whenever one of the other women would come in to the kitchen to offer to lend a hand Georgia would remind them loudly about I had insisted that I could do it myself and go off on some other obnoxious tangent that would cause them to smile sympathetically at me and go in the other room.
In a way I can see why Gabrielle would volunteer for this. To me Georgia is a pain in the ass who I shouldn't have to see that many more times but for her she has to be a presence in her life. If I had to accept that I might go past ignoring while silently wanting to kill to actively trying to shut her up. Being able to upstage her at cooking would have done just that if the Inn hadn't intervened.
I cornered Lacey and tried to talk her into helping hoping she'd understand the true nature of my plight but no such luck.
“Sorry, Mom. Grandma seems like a bitch” she told me “And besides, I'm male bonding with my 'cousins'. We're swapping sexual conquest stories These guys are so full of shit. They know nothing about the female anatomy”
“And what are you telling them?”
“Accurate info. For the sake of their future girlfriends”
So while my real significant other was corrupting/enlightening two teenage boys my fake significant other was drinking beer watching football while I tried not to stab his mother and prepare thanksgiving.
Sadly for all my effort and learning of recipes I still managed to overcook the turkey. Not burned per se but it was a nice dark brown and quite noticeably dry. That of course meant I overcooked the stuffing. On top of that the mashed potatoes were lumpy and I didn't even try the yams since I didn't know what they were supposed to taste like in the first place. The cranberry sauce was perfect because all I had to do was open a can but overall it was a subpar dinner.
Everyone at the table could tell but politely choked it down and thanked me for making it. All except Georgia. She barely touched it and spent the entire meal with a look of smug vindication on her face. Almost as if to say: “SEE. I TOLD you she was a terrible cook. The horrible woman who stole my son away makes awful food. I was RIGHT”
After everyone went home I poured myself some wine and made a secret phone call to the real Gabrielle. She wanted details on how her family was doing and I told her of the debacle dinner. She told me it was her fault for getting me into it and thanked me for my effort.
My efforts were less appreciated when I went upstairs to bed that night and Dustin was awake.
“So that went terribly” he said not looking up
“Hey, I tried to get out of it” I reminded him
“And if I knew you were just going to mail it in I would have let you”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you did a half ass job. You're a much better cook than that and you know it. You just didn't do your best. You've been doing that a lot lately. Every since you got back from Maine. Which is weird because that trip had the opposite effect on Wesley”
“Well I'm sorry I all of a sudden don't meet your standards in the kitchen anymore”
“Not just the kitchen” he mumbled
“What does that mean?”
“It's been months” he said with rolled eyes and raised eyebrows
“Oh don't even bring THAT up” I said “Go sleep on the couch”
He laughed at me and rolled over, clearly not taking that threat seriously. “Goodnight, Gabi”
Marriage is nothing like on TV.
I know right? Who doesn't like thanksgiving? It's the ultimate American holiday. Non denominational, tons of food, football. It's worth spending time around relatives just to lounge around and enjoy yourself. What you don't always think of is the fact that behind every thanksgiving dinner is someone busting their ass in the kitchen, and this year that person was me and I didn't want to do it. Blame traditional gender roles or something but cooking thanksgiving dinner was something I would never in my wildest dreams have seen myself doing, but all of a sudden I was responsible for cooking a huge variety of foods I didn't know how to cook.
I tried to beg out of it, but Dustin wouldn't let me. “You're the one who insisted that we have it at our house this year, you argued with my mom for days before she agreed to it. You' can't back out now, plus I've already bought most of the food”. So once again I was locked into a situation created by something that Gabrielle said before I was her. (This happens quite a lot, that woman has said lots of things that have caused me grief, chief among them: I do).
I figured if I had to do it, I was going to do it as simple as possible. Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, yams were the menu items. Stereotypical thanksgiving food, nothing fancy or tricky. I went online for instructions on how to cook them and got up 5am Thursday to being prepping.
I was a little behind schedule when people started arriving at 9. Apparently “family thanksgiving” meant Dustin' brother, his wife and their two kids, his sister, her husband, and their three kids and my newly acquired mortal enemy, his mother Georgia.
At first meeting, Georgia seemed like a nice person. She came in the door all smiles and hugs, especially for her sons and the children all seemed to love hugging and getting presents from Yaya Georgia (I think that's what it was). She's a pretty unassuming woman to look at. Less than 5 feet tall, gray hair in a bun, a rounded shape, and a heavy Greek accent she looked quite normal for someone in her 60s. However if I had to guess I'd put her actual age closer to 200 owing to what can only be a pact with Satan.
After her initial greetings and catching up she came into the kitchen to help me cook, and by help me cook I mean passive-aggressively reminding me why she was the better person to do it. Apparently she and the real Gabrielle had argued for weeks over where to have the meal and eventually the old woman reluctantly agreed.
While she was reminding me that this difficult undertaking was what I wanted she was also criticizing, she was quite good at that. She had a criticism for everything. “You're chopping that too large. you're chopping that too small. Not enough seasoning. You're behind schedule. Not enough traditional Greek dishes. You've gained weight. My son hasn't gained enough weight. I need more grandchildren.” It is a testament to my patience that that woman made it out of the house alive after doing that in close proximity to me and several knives. This is Florida. I've seen Dexter. I think I could get rid of a body if I had too.
Whenever one of the other women would come in to the kitchen to offer to lend a hand Georgia would remind them loudly about I had insisted that I could do it myself and go off on some other obnoxious tangent that would cause them to smile sympathetically at me and go in the other room.
In a way I can see why Gabrielle would volunteer for this. To me Georgia is a pain in the ass who I shouldn't have to see that many more times but for her she has to be a presence in her life. If I had to accept that I might go past ignoring while silently wanting to kill to actively trying to shut her up. Being able to upstage her at cooking would have done just that if the Inn hadn't intervened.
I cornered Lacey and tried to talk her into helping hoping she'd understand the true nature of my plight but no such luck.
“Sorry, Mom. Grandma seems like a bitch” she told me “And besides, I'm male bonding with my 'cousins'. We're swapping sexual conquest stories These guys are so full of shit. They know nothing about the female anatomy”
“And what are you telling them?”
“Accurate info. For the sake of their future girlfriends”
So while my real significant other was corrupting/enlightening two teenage boys my fake significant other was drinking beer watching football while I tried not to stab his mother and prepare thanksgiving.
Sadly for all my effort and learning of recipes I still managed to overcook the turkey. Not burned per se but it was a nice dark brown and quite noticeably dry. That of course meant I overcooked the stuffing. On top of that the mashed potatoes were lumpy and I didn't even try the yams since I didn't know what they were supposed to taste like in the first place. The cranberry sauce was perfect because all I had to do was open a can but overall it was a subpar dinner.
Everyone at the table could tell but politely choked it down and thanked me for making it. All except Georgia. She barely touched it and spent the entire meal with a look of smug vindication on her face. Almost as if to say: “SEE. I TOLD you she was a terrible cook. The horrible woman who stole my son away makes awful food. I was RIGHT”
After everyone went home I poured myself some wine and made a secret phone call to the real Gabrielle. She wanted details on how her family was doing and I told her of the debacle dinner. She told me it was her fault for getting me into it and thanked me for my effort.
My efforts were less appreciated when I went upstairs to bed that night and Dustin was awake.
“So that went terribly” he said not looking up
“Hey, I tried to get out of it” I reminded him
“And if I knew you were just going to mail it in I would have let you”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you did a half ass job. You're a much better cook than that and you know it. You just didn't do your best. You've been doing that a lot lately. Every since you got back from Maine. Which is weird because that trip had the opposite effect on Wesley”
“Well I'm sorry I all of a sudden don't meet your standards in the kitchen anymore”
“Not just the kitchen” he mumbled
“What does that mean?”
“It's been months” he said with rolled eyes and raised eyebrows
“Oh don't even bring THAT up” I said “Go sleep on the couch”
He laughed at me and rolled over, clearly not taking that threat seriously. “Goodnight, Gabi”
Marriage is nothing like on TV.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Tori: Blue State
After moping around for the last few months, it's nice that the craziness of the last few weeks have forced me to get my mind off myself. This probably isn't going to be the type of post you guys generally expect or want from us, but I felt like I needed to clear my head a bit and this is my best outlet.
I've moved on a bit. Last time I checked in on herem I was still wondering what I was doing with myself after Alex. So far the only consequences have been the occasional sobbing bout of loneliness when I'm hormonal, and a lot more "me time." No big deal, so long as I remember not to let this become the new norm.
I find myself worrying about getting into a rut. It reminds me a bit of how my life was when I first got here, working as a telemarketer and keeping as far away as I could from romantic attention. I'm different now, I have the know-how and attitude to take control of my situation. But what does that mean... do I look for a relationship? Attempt a string of hook-ups? Stay single a little longer? Wait for a handsome prince to finally come my way? You could drive yourself crazy considering your options, and then they slip away.
Then the hurricane hit, and even though Philadelphia hardly got the worst of it, it still ranks right up there in the list of scariest moments of my life not directly related to my transformation. Sure, if I never went to the Inn I would never have wound up in Philadelphia and my experience with the Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy would be limited, but this is my home, my life. And last Monday, I was hunkered down with the folks and Mae, as well as my brother Ken, his wife Jana, and their kid, as they rightly guessed the Jersey shore would be a dangerous place to stay when this all went down. There was no group of people I'd be happier to face a life-threatening storm with.
The week of the election, though, I couldn't help thinking of my other family... my "old" family (I'd be reluctant to call them my "real" family by now.) Specifically my dad. He always had a weird way of thinking about politics. He always voted with his gut. The last election, when I was still Cliff, we had a long talk about it. He didn't particularly like Barack Obama, thought McCain would bring more experience or some such. He's not a lifelong Republican or anything - I think he probably voted Reagan in the 80's then went for Clinton in the 90's - but the way he put it, he had something against the idea that Obama was "popular." I was a young (albeit older than I am now... by some counts) idealist, so I went with Barack based on little besides my dislike for Sarah Palin.
This year, I've been exposed to an ugly side of politics, the way women are treated by those in power. It's not something I would have been conscious of as a man, or if I was it would be a very removed way, but seeing all these guys on TV these blowhards shooting their mouths off about subjects they know nothing about, it was a bit sickening. It kind of highlighted what a learning experience all of this has been, and I don't mean to alienate anyone with my personal politics, but this is just something I was thinking about, how my "views" have been shaped over the past few years just because in one night my entire life changed. I don't know, this sounded so much more meaningful in my head.
Since then, there was also Sara's wedding. I thought it was going to be a big event... Sara always truck me as the type of girl who dreamed of a big wedding, but in the past few weeks she confessed to me she was more happy to have a modest ceremony and get on with married life. It was a nice, low-key affair. Raine and I were standing by her side as she and Thom said their vows.
At the reception, I made a speech about how happy I was to be seeing them start their life together. I made some references, for nobody but myself, about the fact that I first saw them together not long after I was transformed into Tori, and seeing them together both scared me, and in a way, excited me... to know what love a man could have for a woman, and a woman for a man. Sara said she liked it, although her expression suggested she was hiding something. Maybe she was annoyed that it was "about me" and not them as much, even though I talked about watching them grow as a couple and taking my cues from them. Well, can't please everyone (although pleasing the bride probably would've been preferable.)
I tried to get into the festive spirit. I danced with a few guys, and they were happy to hit on me, and I was in a good enough mood to flirt back, but there were no bathroom hookups and I left alone.
As I settled in to bed, I thought about how much fun it was to just cut loose... without being "in a couple." Sure, I don't know where my next lay is coming from, but the prospect of playing the field is seeming more appealing to me than ever.
I've moved on a bit. Last time I checked in on herem I was still wondering what I was doing with myself after Alex. So far the only consequences have been the occasional sobbing bout of loneliness when I'm hormonal, and a lot more "me time." No big deal, so long as I remember not to let this become the new norm.
I find myself worrying about getting into a rut. It reminds me a bit of how my life was when I first got here, working as a telemarketer and keeping as far away as I could from romantic attention. I'm different now, I have the know-how and attitude to take control of my situation. But what does that mean... do I look for a relationship? Attempt a string of hook-ups? Stay single a little longer? Wait for a handsome prince to finally come my way? You could drive yourself crazy considering your options, and then they slip away.
Then the hurricane hit, and even though Philadelphia hardly got the worst of it, it still ranks right up there in the list of scariest moments of my life not directly related to my transformation. Sure, if I never went to the Inn I would never have wound up in Philadelphia and my experience with the Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy would be limited, but this is my home, my life. And last Monday, I was hunkered down with the folks and Mae, as well as my brother Ken, his wife Jana, and their kid, as they rightly guessed the Jersey shore would be a dangerous place to stay when this all went down. There was no group of people I'd be happier to face a life-threatening storm with.
The week of the election, though, I couldn't help thinking of my other family... my "old" family (I'd be reluctant to call them my "real" family by now.) Specifically my dad. He always had a weird way of thinking about politics. He always voted with his gut. The last election, when I was still Cliff, we had a long talk about it. He didn't particularly like Barack Obama, thought McCain would bring more experience or some such. He's not a lifelong Republican or anything - I think he probably voted Reagan in the 80's then went for Clinton in the 90's - but the way he put it, he had something against the idea that Obama was "popular." I was a young (albeit older than I am now... by some counts) idealist, so I went with Barack based on little besides my dislike for Sarah Palin.
This year, I've been exposed to an ugly side of politics, the way women are treated by those in power. It's not something I would have been conscious of as a man, or if I was it would be a very removed way, but seeing all these guys on TV these blowhards shooting their mouths off about subjects they know nothing about, it was a bit sickening. It kind of highlighted what a learning experience all of this has been, and I don't mean to alienate anyone with my personal politics, but this is just something I was thinking about, how my "views" have been shaped over the past few years just because in one night my entire life changed. I don't know, this sounded so much more meaningful in my head.
Since then, there was also Sara's wedding. I thought it was going to be a big event... Sara always truck me as the type of girl who dreamed of a big wedding, but in the past few weeks she confessed to me she was more happy to have a modest ceremony and get on with married life. It was a nice, low-key affair. Raine and I were standing by her side as she and Thom said their vows.
At the reception, I made a speech about how happy I was to be seeing them start their life together. I made some references, for nobody but myself, about the fact that I first saw them together not long after I was transformed into Tori, and seeing them together both scared me, and in a way, excited me... to know what love a man could have for a woman, and a woman for a man. Sara said she liked it, although her expression suggested she was hiding something. Maybe she was annoyed that it was "about me" and not them as much, even though I talked about watching them grow as a couple and taking my cues from them. Well, can't please everyone (although pleasing the bride probably would've been preferable.)
I tried to get into the festive spirit. I danced with a few guys, and they were happy to hit on me, and I was in a good enough mood to flirt back, but there were no bathroom hookups and I left alone.
As I settled in to bed, I thought about how much fun it was to just cut loose... without being "in a couple." Sure, I don't know where my next lay is coming from, but the prospect of playing the field is seeming more appealing to me than ever.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Matt/Gabrielle: My Big Fat Greek Body
So one of the coolest aspects about this blog thingy is that you guys respond to our posts. I like it because it gives me feedback on what are thoughts that not only are secret, but HAVE to be secret. I can't just go to a therapist and tell them that I'm a 20 something man in a middle aged woman's body. Although I'm sure they get things like that sometimes, but apparently the curse will prevent them from believing me. So apart from Lacey and the real Gabrielle, its good to get reactions/advice from people.
The real Gabrielle is doing just fine, relatively. She and Wesley wound up as a pair of sisters in California. So while Wesley will have similar adjustments as me Gabi won't have to adjust that much.
Anyway, while I LOVE hearing from you guys, the comment on my last post put it bluntly and suggested that I just give Dustin a blowjob. Maybe that person is a woman or gay and has sucked dick before, but for me personally the idea of doing that is just gross. I've read some of the posts from previous authors here, about how they finally came around to having sex as women, and all of them have one thing in common: at some point they were ready mentally. And I'm just not there.
I don't know if its being in a woman's body that makes me feel unsexy, or if it's being in this particular body that makes me feel that way, but when I look at myself in the mirror I don't think of sexual images. Some mornings I'll stare a little while longer, which is something I didn't do the first couple of weeks. I've got a pretty face, at least. Gabi's big brown eyes are far and away her best feature. Her hair is nice too, I suppose but such a chore to wash and try and deal with that I have a hard time appreciating it. I mostly put it back in a tight ponytail which shows the tiny bits of gray that are forming here and there on my scalp.
Below the neck things are more...jiggly. I wasn't an overly fit or muscular man, but I had a little tone. Now, its all flab and curves. I am completely devoid of muscle, I'd be surprised if I could lift 40 pounds, let alone do one pushup. I might be able to do a situp since even though I don't have any visible abs, I dont have a lot of belly fat. I don't know how much cardio or overall exercise Gabrielle does but it can't be a lot because I get winded and sore a lot. I dont even want to try running with all the jiggling that happens when I walk briskly or even up the stairs.
On a related note, I'd just like to say, on the record, that after having them for a few weeks that I officially hate boobs. Every guy says that if they had boobs they'd play with them all day. This is false. I can tell you that when they are attached to you that they stop being all that sexy. Especially the pair that I have. Even with the industrial strength bras that I have to squeeze into on a regular basis they still get in the way. Maybe its because I'm not used to them being there and I'll eventually learn to compensate for them, but it doesn't feel good when they bump into things.
Thats nothing compared to how big my butt is now. Its like sitting on a big pillow and I can feel it bounce everytime I walk. What makes it worse is that Dustin is apparently and "ass man" and will occasionally smack it when no one is looking. I've caught him staring a couple times. Its weird sharing a house with someone who looks at you like prey. It doesn't help that most of my wardrobe is designed to show it off, with tight jeans and knit pants.
I make an effort to dress unsexily. Or I just don't make an effort. This body is so much more high maintenance. So many things to clean and trim. Gabrielle's family is of Greek descent, and for whatever reason that makes her...hairier than normal. I didn't shave my legs, arms or armpits until a couple days ago when when the stubble was really itchy and Lacey caught me scratching it.
"Oh my god, when was the last time you shaved your legs, that is some seriously dark stubble"
"Um...never. I guess I didn't think to do it. Not something I've ever done before. Its not like I need to do it."
"Well, you do. Youre the one who said we have to live like were these people, so if I have to go to school, YOU have to shave your legs"
And so with a little extra prodding the next time we were alone in the house we found ourselves in the visibly awkward situation of me in the bathroom in a tank top and panties standing next to a teenage boy with a lady razor.
We started with the armpits. Lacey did the right one while giving me instructions before handing me the razor. I did the left one and managed not to get any cuts. It took a lot of shaving cream to get my legs covered but when they were she shaved my right one, giving me instructions and pretending not to notice when I gasped slightly when she got to my inner thigh. I nicked myself a little bit when I did the left, but when I was all toweled off they were silky smooth and not scratchy or itchy.
"Thanks a lot" I told Lacey
"Not done yet. Panties off" she commanded
"Excuse me?"
"Your 'bikini area' its probably gonna need some maintenance too"
"I dont plan on wearing a bikini" I blushed "And that area is maintenance enough already"
"Suit yourself" she said with a shrug.
And with that we parted. I appreciated her help though. She seems like she wants me to figure out how to be as normal as a woman as I can be.
She was right about the leg shaving too, it helped. I didn't feel AS gross and the smoothness was pretty nice. I'd find myself rubbing them together when nobody was looking.
Dustin seemed to agree with me. Although he was perfectly patient with me and never said a word about my hairy legs, he put a hand on them that night in bed and moaned slightly in approval before putting his arms around me and spooning me. Normally I'd throw him off but he didn't try anything and it was kind of cold so I let him hold me while we slept.
This DOESNT mean I'm giving him a blowjob.
The real Gabrielle is doing just fine, relatively. She and Wesley wound up as a pair of sisters in California. So while Wesley will have similar adjustments as me Gabi won't have to adjust that much.
Anyway, while I LOVE hearing from you guys, the comment on my last post put it bluntly and suggested that I just give Dustin a blowjob. Maybe that person is a woman or gay and has sucked dick before, but for me personally the idea of doing that is just gross. I've read some of the posts from previous authors here, about how they finally came around to having sex as women, and all of them have one thing in common: at some point they were ready mentally. And I'm just not there.
I don't know if its being in a woman's body that makes me feel unsexy, or if it's being in this particular body that makes me feel that way, but when I look at myself in the mirror I don't think of sexual images. Some mornings I'll stare a little while longer, which is something I didn't do the first couple of weeks. I've got a pretty face, at least. Gabi's big brown eyes are far and away her best feature. Her hair is nice too, I suppose but such a chore to wash and try and deal with that I have a hard time appreciating it. I mostly put it back in a tight ponytail which shows the tiny bits of gray that are forming here and there on my scalp.
Below the neck things are more...jiggly. I wasn't an overly fit or muscular man, but I had a little tone. Now, its all flab and curves. I am completely devoid of muscle, I'd be surprised if I could lift 40 pounds, let alone do one pushup. I might be able to do a situp since even though I don't have any visible abs, I dont have a lot of belly fat. I don't know how much cardio or overall exercise Gabrielle does but it can't be a lot because I get winded and sore a lot. I dont even want to try running with all the jiggling that happens when I walk briskly or even up the stairs.
On a related note, I'd just like to say, on the record, that after having them for a few weeks that I officially hate boobs. Every guy says that if they had boobs they'd play with them all day. This is false. I can tell you that when they are attached to you that they stop being all that sexy. Especially the pair that I have. Even with the industrial strength bras that I have to squeeze into on a regular basis they still get in the way. Maybe its because I'm not used to them being there and I'll eventually learn to compensate for them, but it doesn't feel good when they bump into things.
Thats nothing compared to how big my butt is now. Its like sitting on a big pillow and I can feel it bounce everytime I walk. What makes it worse is that Dustin is apparently and "ass man" and will occasionally smack it when no one is looking. I've caught him staring a couple times. Its weird sharing a house with someone who looks at you like prey. It doesn't help that most of my wardrobe is designed to show it off, with tight jeans and knit pants.
I make an effort to dress unsexily. Or I just don't make an effort. This body is so much more high maintenance. So many things to clean and trim. Gabrielle's family is of Greek descent, and for whatever reason that makes her...hairier than normal. I didn't shave my legs, arms or armpits until a couple days ago when when the stubble was really itchy and Lacey caught me scratching it.
"Oh my god, when was the last time you shaved your legs, that is some seriously dark stubble"
"Um...never. I guess I didn't think to do it. Not something I've ever done before. Its not like I need to do it."
"Well, you do. Youre the one who said we have to live like were these people, so if I have to go to school, YOU have to shave your legs"
And so with a little extra prodding the next time we were alone in the house we found ourselves in the visibly awkward situation of me in the bathroom in a tank top and panties standing next to a teenage boy with a lady razor.
We started with the armpits. Lacey did the right one while giving me instructions before handing me the razor. I did the left one and managed not to get any cuts. It took a lot of shaving cream to get my legs covered but when they were she shaved my right one, giving me instructions and pretending not to notice when I gasped slightly when she got to my inner thigh. I nicked myself a little bit when I did the left, but when I was all toweled off they were silky smooth and not scratchy or itchy.
"Thanks a lot" I told Lacey
"Not done yet. Panties off" she commanded
"Excuse me?"
"Your 'bikini area' its probably gonna need some maintenance too"
"I dont plan on wearing a bikini" I blushed "And that area is maintenance enough already"
"Suit yourself" she said with a shrug.
And with that we parted. I appreciated her help though. She seems like she wants me to figure out how to be as normal as a woman as I can be.
She was right about the leg shaving too, it helped. I didn't feel AS gross and the smoothness was pretty nice. I'd find myself rubbing them together when nobody was looking.
Dustin seemed to agree with me. Although he was perfectly patient with me and never said a word about my hairy legs, he put a hand on them that night in bed and moaned slightly in approval before putting his arms around me and spooning me. Normally I'd throw him off but he didn't try anything and it was kind of cold so I let him hold me while we slept.
This DOESNT mean I'm giving him a blowjob.
Friday, November 02, 2012
Matt/Gabrielle: Friendly People
I like to think that everyone's life is like its own individual tv show, albeit most are pretty boring for most episodes. If someone were to watch the world through your eyes that's what it would be like a long, mostly boring, sometimes x rated TV show. As it stands most people only see their own tv show, and its interactive. People that go to the Trading Post Inn however, get to channel surf, and that's what's happened to me. I've been dropped into the middle of TV show that is 37 seasons in and I'm trying to learn the characters and plotlines subtly. I've got the basic stor down, as well as the main characters and how they interact. Its the the references to previous episodes and appearances of characters I don't recognize that throw me off.
I'll drop the the television analogy there and tell you that Gabrielle's neighbor came over today and bugged me for a few hours. It wasn't officially bugging, I think they're quite close, but this woman went on and on.
It started around noon when I was vacuuming and heard the doorbell ring. I answered the door cautiously, poking my head out as I always do, when a woman around my new age but a little shorter and a lot rounder pushed it open and gave me a tight hug. I hugged her back, because a person in my position can only assume every random hugger has the right to hug, which might be a bit dangerous.
I explained to this woman that I was cleaning but that just made her say "oh don't mind me, I'll keep you distracted" so my regular routine was slowed down a bit while this woman rattled on about people I didn't know while all the while I was thinking "who the fuck ARE you?"
She was, as I found out from texting the real Gabrielle afterwards, Dottie, our neighbor from two houses down. Our sons were in school together and they came over for barbecues and christmas parties and stuff.
She was also the head of the neighborhood association, which I found out as she was leaving she gave me a friendly reminder about how our garden wasn't up to code and we needed to weed it or face a fine. No I'm not kidding you, that's how these people live here in the suburbs.
That of course derailed my entire day. I had to find my gardening clothes and go out and get that taken care of, and by the time I had gotten back and finished my regular cleaning it was dinner time. Once everyone was fed and the kitchen cleaned I was so tired I went upstairs and collapsed around 7:30. I need a maid. Of course, that still wouldn't have prevented what happened next.
I was woken up a couple hours later to Dustin kissing my neck and rubbing my leg sensuously. At first it felt good, but once I had woken up enough to realize what was happening I turned around and pushed him away.
"I'm sorry honey, did I scare you?" he said moving closer again.
"Just woke me with a start" i said "I've had a long day"
"I'm sorry baby, do you want me to make you feel a lot better?" he said in a seductive manner that made me want to giggle.
"Sorry, honey. Not tonight" I said in a cliche way. I almost said I had a headache but didn't want to seem too much like a sitcom character.
"But its been a few weeks. I miss you" he said almost pleading. "Maybe just a blowjob?"
At that I said no firmer and meaner than I wanted to but he backed off and I got to fall asleep. He was gone as usual in the morning but this is going to be an ongoing problem. If I shut this guy out for the next year its going to cause a strain on their marriage. Maybe I can come up with some sort of medical excuse.
Any ideas?
I'll drop the the television analogy there and tell you that Gabrielle's neighbor came over today and bugged me for a few hours. It wasn't officially bugging, I think they're quite close, but this woman went on and on.
It started around noon when I was vacuuming and heard the doorbell ring. I answered the door cautiously, poking my head out as I always do, when a woman around my new age but a little shorter and a lot rounder pushed it open and gave me a tight hug. I hugged her back, because a person in my position can only assume every random hugger has the right to hug, which might be a bit dangerous.
I explained to this woman that I was cleaning but that just made her say "oh don't mind me, I'll keep you distracted" so my regular routine was slowed down a bit while this woman rattled on about people I didn't know while all the while I was thinking "who the fuck ARE you?"
She was, as I found out from texting the real Gabrielle afterwards, Dottie, our neighbor from two houses down. Our sons were in school together and they came over for barbecues and christmas parties and stuff.
She was also the head of the neighborhood association, which I found out as she was leaving she gave me a friendly reminder about how our garden wasn't up to code and we needed to weed it or face a fine. No I'm not kidding you, that's how these people live here in the suburbs.
That of course derailed my entire day. I had to find my gardening clothes and go out and get that taken care of, and by the time I had gotten back and finished my regular cleaning it was dinner time. Once everyone was fed and the kitchen cleaned I was so tired I went upstairs and collapsed around 7:30. I need a maid. Of course, that still wouldn't have prevented what happened next.
I was woken up a couple hours later to Dustin kissing my neck and rubbing my leg sensuously. At first it felt good, but once I had woken up enough to realize what was happening I turned around and pushed him away.
"I'm sorry honey, did I scare you?" he said moving closer again.
"Just woke me with a start" i said "I've had a long day"
"I'm sorry baby, do you want me to make you feel a lot better?" he said in a seductive manner that made me want to giggle.
"Sorry, honey. Not tonight" I said in a cliche way. I almost said I had a headache but didn't want to seem too much like a sitcom character.
"But its been a few weeks. I miss you" he said almost pleading. "Maybe just a blowjob?"
At that I said no firmer and meaner than I wanted to but he backed off and I got to fall asleep. He was gone as usual in the morning but this is going to be an ongoing problem. If I shut this guy out for the next year its going to cause a strain on their marriage. Maybe I can come up with some sort of medical excuse.
Any ideas?
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Matt Gabrielle: Home Making
So Maine to Florida it turns out is not only a 8 hour trip after layovers, it also costs about 600 dollars for 2 tickets if you buy them the day of the trip. Gabrielle's credit card had more than enough for that, in fact it had quite a lot (I checked the balance). Even leaving immediately Lacey and I didn't get to Ft. Lauderdale airport until 1 pm Monday morning.
The flight didn't give us any time to talk however, since it was our first experience in public as the people we appear to be. When the TSA was looking at my ID I got nervous she would see right through it, but she just nodded. The body scan was even more unnerving than usual. I already felt weird enough as it is without the idea of someone looking at it with xray vision.
When we were on the ground in Florida we had to search long term parking before finding Gabrielle's car, which was a late model Chrysler Minivan complete with all sorts of kids stuff in the back. Fortunately the thing had GPS so finding my way to the Maltos suburban home was doable, although Miami traffic was awful.
When we pulled up the first thing Lacey said when she set eyes on the house was "Nice". And that described it perfectly. It wasn't a mansion but it couldnt have been more than 10 years old. The lawn was perfect as was every other lawn on the cul de sac. I fumbled around in my purse for a minute before I found the house keys. I fumble a lot with my purse actually. I know the stuff is in there but it gets lost and I have to dig for it. I think the fact that the stuff isn't mine is part of the problem.
On the inside the house was just as nice...sort of. It had 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms and a big living room with a giant TV which will be nice to watch sports on and what I think is expensive furniture. However, it was dirty. Not like hoarder dirty but you could tell someone hadn't cleaned in awhile. The dishwasher was full, there were piles of laundry, the bedrooms were a mess, except Wesley's because he'd been gone.
I went into the room that had the biggest bed and put my suitcase down. It was messy too, but not as messy as the rest of the house. It was Lavender, I think. A light purple. Technically neutral but still girly. The bed was a king sized, unmade with a lot of pillows.
The closet was a walk in but about 3/4ths of it was women's clothes. I dont know if Gabrielle is a clotheshorse or if this is normal. The male side was mostly suits and casual clothing but "my" side was full of dresses and blouses and some things I'll have to ask Lacey what the name of it is. I spent the next couple of hours unpacking and exploring as well as cleaning up a little bit.
Most stuff went in the hamper or closet, but some stuff from the suitcase. Like Gabi's underwear, went in the dresser. I paused to look at the top of it, which was full of photos. I picked up the one that had my body in a wedding dress. Clearly a much skinnier version with a little less weight but it was clearly Gabrielle. The man next to her was tanned with dark hair and big eyebrows. Her husband, Dustin. The man I would have to try to fool for the next year or so.
I was putting the suitcase away when I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and a kiss on my neck. I spun around quickly and let out a squeaky "eep". I found myself in the arms of Dustin. He didn't look like he did in the picture. He was balder and had a bit of a spare tire but it was clearly him.
"You scared me" I said nervously
"YOU scared ME being gone for so long. Wesley's missed a ton of school"
"He'll make it up, he's a bright kid" I said not knowing if it was true
"Lets hope so" he said, going in for a kiss which I awkwardly returned "What's for dinner?" he asked making it clear that that was my responsibility.
"Umm...I've had a long day and have no idea what's in the fridge, Can we just order Chinese?"
"Sure thing hun, just go to the grocery store tomorrow." he said as he sat down and opened his laptop.
When it was dinner time I got to meet Gabrielle's 9 year old daughter, Isabella, for the first time. She's a bit of a quiet kid, but she did what I told her, which was kind of cool. Getting used to being called Mommy is gonna be tough though.
When dinner was over I asked Lacey to help me do the dishes. She just smiled and said "Sorry, Mom, I've got a ton of homework to catch up on" Which was true, although having a college degree in her old life High School should be a snap for her.
I set forth doing the dishes myself, not just becuase they needed to be done but also I had an ulterior motive. I was trying to stall for time and go to bed as late as possible because I wanted Dustin to be asleep before me. I know I could have used the old "i have a headache" routine but it's pretty awkward for me to think about. I finished the dishes about 11 and peeked upstairs to hear the man snoring loudly. I got undressed down to my underwear and put on a tshirt and climbed slowly into bed.
The next morning I woke up alone. Apparently Dustin's schedule requires him to get up early and drive a long commute downtown. After a chaotic attempt to get the children ready for school I sat down on the couch and observed my domain.
I was now a housewife, and it was a house. I was in charge of everything that went on inside it. It could be worse, I could be thrust into a job I'm totally unprepared for, but it's still going to be hard work.
I spent the rest of the day getting the house clean and cooking some basic spaghetti for dinner. That's how the last few days have been. This life may be a little boring but routine will make it go faster.
The flight didn't give us any time to talk however, since it was our first experience in public as the people we appear to be. When the TSA was looking at my ID I got nervous she would see right through it, but she just nodded. The body scan was even more unnerving than usual. I already felt weird enough as it is without the idea of someone looking at it with xray vision.
When we were on the ground in Florida we had to search long term parking before finding Gabrielle's car, which was a late model Chrysler Minivan complete with all sorts of kids stuff in the back. Fortunately the thing had GPS so finding my way to the Maltos suburban home was doable, although Miami traffic was awful.
When we pulled up the first thing Lacey said when she set eyes on the house was "Nice". And that described it perfectly. It wasn't a mansion but it couldnt have been more than 10 years old. The lawn was perfect as was every other lawn on the cul de sac. I fumbled around in my purse for a minute before I found the house keys. I fumble a lot with my purse actually. I know the stuff is in there but it gets lost and I have to dig for it. I think the fact that the stuff isn't mine is part of the problem.
On the inside the house was just as nice...sort of. It had 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms and a big living room with a giant TV which will be nice to watch sports on and what I think is expensive furniture. However, it was dirty. Not like hoarder dirty but you could tell someone hadn't cleaned in awhile. The dishwasher was full, there were piles of laundry, the bedrooms were a mess, except Wesley's because he'd been gone.
I went into the room that had the biggest bed and put my suitcase down. It was messy too, but not as messy as the rest of the house. It was Lavender, I think. A light purple. Technically neutral but still girly. The bed was a king sized, unmade with a lot of pillows.
The closet was a walk in but about 3/4ths of it was women's clothes. I dont know if Gabrielle is a clotheshorse or if this is normal. The male side was mostly suits and casual clothing but "my" side was full of dresses and blouses and some things I'll have to ask Lacey what the name of it is. I spent the next couple of hours unpacking and exploring as well as cleaning up a little bit.
Most stuff went in the hamper or closet, but some stuff from the suitcase. Like Gabi's underwear, went in the dresser. I paused to look at the top of it, which was full of photos. I picked up the one that had my body in a wedding dress. Clearly a much skinnier version with a little less weight but it was clearly Gabrielle. The man next to her was tanned with dark hair and big eyebrows. Her husband, Dustin. The man I would have to try to fool for the next year or so.
I was putting the suitcase away when I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and a kiss on my neck. I spun around quickly and let out a squeaky "eep". I found myself in the arms of Dustin. He didn't look like he did in the picture. He was balder and had a bit of a spare tire but it was clearly him.
"You scared me" I said nervously
"YOU scared ME being gone for so long. Wesley's missed a ton of school"
"He'll make it up, he's a bright kid" I said not knowing if it was true
"Lets hope so" he said, going in for a kiss which I awkwardly returned "What's for dinner?" he asked making it clear that that was my responsibility.
"Umm...I've had a long day and have no idea what's in the fridge, Can we just order Chinese?"
"Sure thing hun, just go to the grocery store tomorrow." he said as he sat down and opened his laptop.
When it was dinner time I got to meet Gabrielle's 9 year old daughter, Isabella, for the first time. She's a bit of a quiet kid, but she did what I told her, which was kind of cool. Getting used to being called Mommy is gonna be tough though.
When dinner was over I asked Lacey to help me do the dishes. She just smiled and said "Sorry, Mom, I've got a ton of homework to catch up on" Which was true, although having a college degree in her old life High School should be a snap for her.
I set forth doing the dishes myself, not just becuase they needed to be done but also I had an ulterior motive. I was trying to stall for time and go to bed as late as possible because I wanted Dustin to be asleep before me. I know I could have used the old "i have a headache" routine but it's pretty awkward for me to think about. I finished the dishes about 11 and peeked upstairs to hear the man snoring loudly. I got undressed down to my underwear and put on a tshirt and climbed slowly into bed.
The next morning I woke up alone. Apparently Dustin's schedule requires him to get up early and drive a long commute downtown. After a chaotic attempt to get the children ready for school I sat down on the couch and observed my domain.
I was now a housewife, and it was a house. I was in charge of everything that went on inside it. It could be worse, I could be thrust into a job I'm totally unprepared for, but it's still going to be hard work.
I spent the rest of the day getting the house clean and cooking some basic spaghetti for dinner. That's how the last few days have been. This life may be a little boring but routine will make it go faster.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Matt/Gabrielle: This goes here
So after talking back and forth with Alia for a few daysI finally decided to blog about my experiences so she gave me access to the blog. As you can probably tell I've been to a fateful in in Maine and woke up as someone else.
I should start with who I am, who I REALLY am. My name is Matt Olmstead and I'm supposed to be 23 years old from Portland Oregon. I sell Hondas and and make my own beer. My girlfriend Lacey and I were on a vacation in New England last week when we stayed at the Trading Post Inn. Needless do say we didn't leave Maine the way we had hoped too.
Apparently the change happens when 13 people sleep at the inn the same night, and that happened the 2nd night we were there. This was a romantic vacation so Lacey and I fooled around before falling asleep naked in each others arms, which made for an awkward wakeup. We didn't get woken up by any screaming or commotion at 3am and slept through the change, so when the sun brought my eyes open I found myself with my arms around a young teenage boy.
I immediately pushed him out of the bed, waking him in a fit of confusion and said "Who the fuck are you" in a voice much higher than It was supposed to be.
The kid rubbed his eyes, looked down, grabbed his crotch and screamed. While he was doing this I looked down and saw my own body, or at least part of it. Some of it was obscured by two large, floppy, female breasts.
I cupped them when the boy on the floor said to me "Who are you, what have you done with my boyfriend, and why am I a boy?"
"Lacey" I said, still freaked by my voice
"Matt" he said squinting at me.
"What is this?" I asked helping him up and heading into the bathroom to look in the mirror.
Staring back at me was a woman in her mid 30s. Dark brown hair past her shoulders and brown eyes. She wasn't fat, technically, but boy was she curvy, especially in the thighs. She had a few stretch marks and the breasts sagged a little but pretty good looking...for her age. Lacey was now a young boy with similar features and complexion. I'll spare the description of her new body because it was underage and I feel a bit uncomfortable thinking about it still.
After a few minutes of touching our faces and other body parts to make sure this wasn't a dream, we decided to find out what was going on. Lacey was able to fit into a pair of my shorts and a tshirt, although they were extremely baggy. I on the other hand, was out of luck. Lacey's real body is quite petite and nothing of hers would come close to covering up my new body. Finally I squeezed into a pair of my boxers and put on an oversized tshirt. It was ill fitting but it would while we went into the hall to see what had happened.
It was after a 9 year old black girl explained to us the nature of the inn and the curse and that our bodies would have luggage in the closet as well as notes explaining who we are that my heart stopped racing. We went back to the room and found two suitcases. One for Gabrielle Maltos and Wesley Maltos. Clearly I was Gabrielle.
They only left one note but it was sufficient to get us started. Apparently they are Mother and Son from a suburb of Miami. They were in Maine for a youth hockey tournament and spent the night at the Trading Post before going to the airport. Obviously they missed their flight.
Gabrielles portion of the note explained that she was a stay at home mom to Wesley and a 9 year old daughter. Her husband worked for a drug company and made 6 figures a year, so not rich but not struggling. It explained the morning routine as well as the daily chores. By the time I finished reading it my heart was racing again, and Lacey could tell.
"Cheer up" she said putting her arm around me "At least you don't have to go back to high school"
"I don't think I can be a mom...or a woman" I told her weakly
"Half the population does it every day, you'll get used to it. Now get dressed, you look ridiculous"
We opened up Gabrielle's suitcase and I thumbed through the clothing, a little intimidated. Lacey impatiently grabbed some clothes and told me to hurry up and put them on. The panties were weird, considering I'm a boxers man, and dug into my new hips a little bit. The jeans she selected were tight fitting on purpose and I had to wiggle my ass a little to get into them. Lacey helped me with the bra after she saw me trying to put it on like a shirt. "Better learn to do that, I can't be doing this when people think I'm your son". One blouse later and I looked like a casually dressed 37 year old woman.
Since Wesley had missed school and their family was no doubt wondering where they were despite the real Gabrielle sending emails and texts to her husband, we decided to get home right away, rather than wait along at the inn.
I'll post later about arriving in Florida. Sorry if this post is a little disjointed and undetailed, I've never blogged before but hopefully I'll get some practice and get better at conveying my feelings and emotions.
I should start with who I am, who I REALLY am. My name is Matt Olmstead and I'm supposed to be 23 years old from Portland Oregon. I sell Hondas and and make my own beer. My girlfriend Lacey and I were on a vacation in New England last week when we stayed at the Trading Post Inn. Needless do say we didn't leave Maine the way we had hoped too.
Apparently the change happens when 13 people sleep at the inn the same night, and that happened the 2nd night we were there. This was a romantic vacation so Lacey and I fooled around before falling asleep naked in each others arms, which made for an awkward wakeup. We didn't get woken up by any screaming or commotion at 3am and slept through the change, so when the sun brought my eyes open I found myself with my arms around a young teenage boy.
I immediately pushed him out of the bed, waking him in a fit of confusion and said "Who the fuck are you" in a voice much higher than It was supposed to be.
The kid rubbed his eyes, looked down, grabbed his crotch and screamed. While he was doing this I looked down and saw my own body, or at least part of it. Some of it was obscured by two large, floppy, female breasts.
I cupped them when the boy on the floor said to me "Who are you, what have you done with my boyfriend, and why am I a boy?"
"Lacey" I said, still freaked by my voice
"Matt" he said squinting at me.
"What is this?" I asked helping him up and heading into the bathroom to look in the mirror.
Staring back at me was a woman in her mid 30s. Dark brown hair past her shoulders and brown eyes. She wasn't fat, technically, but boy was she curvy, especially in the thighs. She had a few stretch marks and the breasts sagged a little but pretty good looking...for her age. Lacey was now a young boy with similar features and complexion. I'll spare the description of her new body because it was underage and I feel a bit uncomfortable thinking about it still.
After a few minutes of touching our faces and other body parts to make sure this wasn't a dream, we decided to find out what was going on. Lacey was able to fit into a pair of my shorts and a tshirt, although they were extremely baggy. I on the other hand, was out of luck. Lacey's real body is quite petite and nothing of hers would come close to covering up my new body. Finally I squeezed into a pair of my boxers and put on an oversized tshirt. It was ill fitting but it would while we went into the hall to see what had happened.
It was after a 9 year old black girl explained to us the nature of the inn and the curse and that our bodies would have luggage in the closet as well as notes explaining who we are that my heart stopped racing. We went back to the room and found two suitcases. One for Gabrielle Maltos and Wesley Maltos. Clearly I was Gabrielle.
They only left one note but it was sufficient to get us started. Apparently they are Mother and Son from a suburb of Miami. They were in Maine for a youth hockey tournament and spent the night at the Trading Post before going to the airport. Obviously they missed their flight.
Gabrielles portion of the note explained that she was a stay at home mom to Wesley and a 9 year old daughter. Her husband worked for a drug company and made 6 figures a year, so not rich but not struggling. It explained the morning routine as well as the daily chores. By the time I finished reading it my heart was racing again, and Lacey could tell.
"Cheer up" she said putting her arm around me "At least you don't have to go back to high school"
"I don't think I can be a mom...or a woman" I told her weakly
"Half the population does it every day, you'll get used to it. Now get dressed, you look ridiculous"
We opened up Gabrielle's suitcase and I thumbed through the clothing, a little intimidated. Lacey impatiently grabbed some clothes and told me to hurry up and put them on. The panties were weird, considering I'm a boxers man, and dug into my new hips a little bit. The jeans she selected were tight fitting on purpose and I had to wiggle my ass a little to get into them. Lacey helped me with the bra after she saw me trying to put it on like a shirt. "Better learn to do that, I can't be doing this when people think I'm your son". One blouse later and I looked like a casually dressed 37 year old woman.
Since Wesley had missed school and their family was no doubt wondering where they were despite the real Gabrielle sending emails and texts to her husband, we decided to get home right away, rather than wait along at the inn.
I'll post later about arriving in Florida. Sorry if this post is a little disjointed and undetailed, I've never blogged before but hopefully I'll get some practice and get better at conveying my feelings and emotions.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Tori: Back to Black
Stressing out in front of a mirror has sort of been my main hobby for years. Of course, in the old days, it was like "How does this stuff even work?" ("This stuff" being literally every part of my body.) Then it became "How do I impress guys?" (Turns out, pretty easily.) And then it was, "Does my guy like the way I look in the morning/at night/ever/always?" (Sometimes I forget it's often just a simple matter of having boobs.) And now it's... "what am I even doing?"
Seriously. I've been a girl for over three years now. You'd think I'd have a good handle on the experience, but there's always something new. I'm single for the first time in... well, let's break it down. For the first year, I was single, but I was also still pretty much a guy in my head. Everything physical about this body was off limits unless it was essential for my own survival. Even I didn't touch until way after I probably should have (looking back, amazing self-restraint I will never have again.) Then by the time I wanted to be with a guy, I found one (Leo) and when I wanted something more serious, I found Buddy, and when I got tired of him, I was on my way to getting Alex. So my life as a real "single woman" can be condensed to, like, a matter of weeks, before recently.
So in a way, I don't know how to dress for myself. I want to look nice, and presentable, and comfortable, and yet... not available. Not yet. I'm not ready. I want to try being alone for a while. I want to be able to leave the house without looking at every guy I meet like an item on a menu. I know that they'll be looking at me no matter what - I know from experience that even the hint of a female body is going to get looks from a certain segment of the population. But I need to carry myself in a way that says "move along, boys."
I dyed my hair back to black. It was getting too frustrating to touch up my roots every couple of weeks, and I just did not feel good about being a blonde anymore. I missed my long dark hair, the look I first woke up with back in 2009. It always was a hassle to maintain, but the short dark cut looks too serious. I think I really will be ready to have fun again by the time my hair grows out (it's currently just long enough to put behind my ears.)
We had Sara's bachelorette party this past weekend. This is the second wedding I've been involved with since my transformation, and again I'm in the bridal party. This time I'm trying to get more into it, but Sara seems very detached and hurried. She's been with Thom for years now - literally almost since I've been here! - and she seems so keen to get this wedding over with in a hurry. I thought wedding planning would be up her alley, but she seems so "over" the whole process. I'm being supportive.
The party, though. Oh, lord. It was me, Raine, Sara, and three other girls who are married, engaged or in serious relationships. Raine and I were "the single ones" so it was like a game to them to get us hooked up for their own amusement. I did not help their cause by wearing a white button-up blouse that made me look like a waitress. They were not taking "I'm off men right now" for an answer.
It's not that none of them looked good to me, but I did just get out of a long term relationship. It's going to be a long time before I can look at another guy because part of my brain still feels like I'm really still in a relationship even though I know I'm not. It feels like cheating to check out other guys.
I'm in a weird place right now. I miss Alex so much, or at least, I miss the person I thought he was. I miss being with him, or maybe just being with someone, being somewhere stable. But I'm not sad anymore. The way it ended fucked with my head so hard it's hard to know how I feel. Like I can't trust my instincts, maybe. Like I should be mad, or sad, or regretful, but I'm just... numb about it. It would be easier if I were still crying my eyes out but I'm just... past it. I'm just not ready to go back to square one with a guy again.
So here I am on my laptop on a Monday night, stripped to my skivvies and wondering how my life might be different right now if I let that bodybuilder looking dude do a body shot off my abdomen on Saturday. Maybe I'd feel better about myself. Maybe I'd feel worse.
I'm back to feeling like I don't belong anywhere, just like old times. Sigh...
Seriously. I've been a girl for over three years now. You'd think I'd have a good handle on the experience, but there's always something new. I'm single for the first time in... well, let's break it down. For the first year, I was single, but I was also still pretty much a guy in my head. Everything physical about this body was off limits unless it was essential for my own survival. Even I didn't touch until way after I probably should have (looking back, amazing self-restraint I will never have again.) Then by the time I wanted to be with a guy, I found one (Leo) and when I wanted something more serious, I found Buddy, and when I got tired of him, I was on my way to getting Alex. So my life as a real "single woman" can be condensed to, like, a matter of weeks, before recently.
So in a way, I don't know how to dress for myself. I want to look nice, and presentable, and comfortable, and yet... not available. Not yet. I'm not ready. I want to try being alone for a while. I want to be able to leave the house without looking at every guy I meet like an item on a menu. I know that they'll be looking at me no matter what - I know from experience that even the hint of a female body is going to get looks from a certain segment of the population. But I need to carry myself in a way that says "move along, boys."
I dyed my hair back to black. It was getting too frustrating to touch up my roots every couple of weeks, and I just did not feel good about being a blonde anymore. I missed my long dark hair, the look I first woke up with back in 2009. It always was a hassle to maintain, but the short dark cut looks too serious. I think I really will be ready to have fun again by the time my hair grows out (it's currently just long enough to put behind my ears.)
We had Sara's bachelorette party this past weekend. This is the second wedding I've been involved with since my transformation, and again I'm in the bridal party. This time I'm trying to get more into it, but Sara seems very detached and hurried. She's been with Thom for years now - literally almost since I've been here! - and she seems so keen to get this wedding over with in a hurry. I thought wedding planning would be up her alley, but she seems so "over" the whole process. I'm being supportive.
The party, though. Oh, lord. It was me, Raine, Sara, and three other girls who are married, engaged or in serious relationships. Raine and I were "the single ones" so it was like a game to them to get us hooked up for their own amusement. I did not help their cause by wearing a white button-up blouse that made me look like a waitress. They were not taking "I'm off men right now" for an answer.
It's not that none of them looked good to me, but I did just get out of a long term relationship. It's going to be a long time before I can look at another guy because part of my brain still feels like I'm really still in a relationship even though I know I'm not. It feels like cheating to check out other guys.
I'm in a weird place right now. I miss Alex so much, or at least, I miss the person I thought he was. I miss being with him, or maybe just being with someone, being somewhere stable. But I'm not sad anymore. The way it ended fucked with my head so hard it's hard to know how I feel. Like I can't trust my instincts, maybe. Like I should be mad, or sad, or regretful, but I'm just... numb about it. It would be easier if I were still crying my eyes out but I'm just... past it. I'm just not ready to go back to square one with a guy again.
So here I am on my laptop on a Monday night, stripped to my skivvies and wondering how my life might be different right now if I let that bodybuilder looking dude do a body shot off my abdomen on Saturday. Maybe I'd feel better about myself. Maybe I'd feel worse.
I'm back to feeling like I don't belong anywhere, just like old times. Sigh...
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Greg/Kurt: Filling you In
Right. So the blog isn't dead, it just kind of seems that way lately. Life is just in the way for our regular posters but we keep contact and we've even got a few new posters who want to share their stories so we're working with them. In the mean time life has just gotten in the way.
My life isn't that complicated. In fact its pretty easy at the moment, that's why I haven't been blogging. This is the longest I've ever gone between leaving the inn and blogging but its because I didn't really feel any big interesting monumental things happen when I got here. It helps that Tulsa is boring. Its a pretty big city compared to the rest of Oklahoma and they have most every kind of store, but its kind of sleepy and shuts down around midnight. So not quite Chicago.
Work is actually fairly easy. I'm the manager at an electronics retailer, and while I've never worked retail I've learned enough from previous management/IT jobs to fudge it enough. Dealing with corporate sucks but I'm doing well enough not to get Kurt fired.
Home is a new experience because for the first time I'm living with someone who doesn't know I'm changed. Guy's name is Sean, he's about the same age as Kurt and we live in a nice 2 bedroom apartment. I guess they aren't best friends forever but they get along and don't fight.
I've been flying solo for most of it because outside of the initial letter, I haven't heard anything from the real Kurt. As I mentioned before he turned into a Chinese national and I guess his visa was expiring. Apparently when his new body disappeared for 2 weeks it might have caused some problems. I assume he's in China now but the email address I have for him hasn't been responsive.
This life doesn't really present any major challenges for me. Being a guy is easy, especially if you've done it before. I suppose if you've never been male before theres things to get used to, but even though I've taken a few years off its all come back to me.
I teased Alia when she became a man that she wouldn't last 5 minutes with a dick before jerking off but that wasn't true and it wasn't the first thing I did when I woke up as a man in fact it wasn't among the top 20. Its not that its weird having a dick, its weird that I have someone elses. Its not like it's functionally any different than the one I was born with (although it might be a little smaller, i forget) but it still is someone elses. It took a few days go get over it but one morning I woke up with a boner and got back into the rhythm.
Of course once I was back in the habit I just HAD to get laid. Kurt was single and I dont want to mess up any of his friendships like I did with Alexis and Annabelle, so a one night stand was the solution. So last week Sean and I hit the local singles bar.
I haven't been a single guy in a LONG time so it took a little while to get used to being the aggressor and buying drinks for girls. Fortunately I'm pretty good looking and I've always been charming but it had been years since I was a single guy, so it took a little while to get used to the searching process but I finally started chatting up this girl named Tricia.
We talked for a little while, we must have had something in common because after a few drinks she suggested that we go back to her place. By that time it was all coming back to me and we took a cab there.
From there it was all instinct and memory, I had forgotten how driven men get when they get started. I was focused on one thing only. It broke my concentration when Tricia handed me a condom, so much that it took me way longer than it should have to put the damn thing on, but its been awhile.
When it was all done we made out for a little while more before I fell asleep. I didn't even notice how tired I was but the booze and sex knocked me out. The next morning I woke up before her and left quietly. I put my phone number on her nightstand as a courtesy although I'm not going to be in a relationship again, and she hasn't called me so I think she understood what was up.
So yeah, thats basically been it. In a way I'm kind of glad for the mundane because I think I've had more than my share of drama for the last few years. Of course if any pops up, I'll be sure to post it.
-Greg
My life isn't that complicated. In fact its pretty easy at the moment, that's why I haven't been blogging. This is the longest I've ever gone between leaving the inn and blogging but its because I didn't really feel any big interesting monumental things happen when I got here. It helps that Tulsa is boring. Its a pretty big city compared to the rest of Oklahoma and they have most every kind of store, but its kind of sleepy and shuts down around midnight. So not quite Chicago.
Work is actually fairly easy. I'm the manager at an electronics retailer, and while I've never worked retail I've learned enough from previous management/IT jobs to fudge it enough. Dealing with corporate sucks but I'm doing well enough not to get Kurt fired.
Home is a new experience because for the first time I'm living with someone who doesn't know I'm changed. Guy's name is Sean, he's about the same age as Kurt and we live in a nice 2 bedroom apartment. I guess they aren't best friends forever but they get along and don't fight.
I've been flying solo for most of it because outside of the initial letter, I haven't heard anything from the real Kurt. As I mentioned before he turned into a Chinese national and I guess his visa was expiring. Apparently when his new body disappeared for 2 weeks it might have caused some problems. I assume he's in China now but the email address I have for him hasn't been responsive.
This life doesn't really present any major challenges for me. Being a guy is easy, especially if you've done it before. I suppose if you've never been male before theres things to get used to, but even though I've taken a few years off its all come back to me.
I teased Alia when she became a man that she wouldn't last 5 minutes with a dick before jerking off but that wasn't true and it wasn't the first thing I did when I woke up as a man in fact it wasn't among the top 20. Its not that its weird having a dick, its weird that I have someone elses. Its not like it's functionally any different than the one I was born with (although it might be a little smaller, i forget) but it still is someone elses. It took a few days go get over it but one morning I woke up with a boner and got back into the rhythm.
Of course once I was back in the habit I just HAD to get laid. Kurt was single and I dont want to mess up any of his friendships like I did with Alexis and Annabelle, so a one night stand was the solution. So last week Sean and I hit the local singles bar.
I haven't been a single guy in a LONG time so it took a little while to get used to being the aggressor and buying drinks for girls. Fortunately I'm pretty good looking and I've always been charming but it had been years since I was a single guy, so it took a little while to get used to the searching process but I finally started chatting up this girl named Tricia.
We talked for a little while, we must have had something in common because after a few drinks she suggested that we go back to her place. By that time it was all coming back to me and we took a cab there.
From there it was all instinct and memory, I had forgotten how driven men get when they get started. I was focused on one thing only. It broke my concentration when Tricia handed me a condom, so much that it took me way longer than it should have to put the damn thing on, but its been awhile.
When it was all done we made out for a little while more before I fell asleep. I didn't even notice how tired I was but the booze and sex knocked me out. The next morning I woke up before her and left quietly. I put my phone number on her nightstand as a courtesy although I'm not going to be in a relationship again, and she hasn't called me so I think she understood what was up.
So yeah, thats basically been it. In a way I'm kind of glad for the mundane because I think I've had more than my share of drama for the last few years. Of course if any pops up, I'll be sure to post it.
-Greg
Saturday, October 06, 2012
Burt (Lisa): Boundaries
Nobody's overly happy with the situation we've found ourselves in. Out of all the people I've heard about from this blog, very few of them have had to live with someone who knew your body's original owner... had to deal with that on a daily basis. Shaun and I are still sharing an apartment, and while logistically it's a bit of a drag, it's an arrangement both of us are comfortable to maintain, I think. To be honest, no matter who I am, Shaun needs a friend right now. We've talked a good deal, and he's taken me into his confidence. As you on the blog know, he was recently dumped by his fiancee when he became Doug, and from then on he had to pretend to be married. And while that sounds like a relief, it's incredibly stressful to assume that role in someone's life without any prior knowledge, and going from one situation to the other like that may make it hard to access the emotions the other person expects. For the first few weeks of our arrangement, Shaun tiptoed around me and kept checking up on me to make sure I was okay, obviously being sensitive to my transformation. Once I assured him I was okay, he started to open up a bit. It's not that he couldn't talk to Zane or Lisa about it, but I'm always there in the apartment - I don't go out much, I stay in and read or watch TV. We have dinner together often, we talk, and I know feel like I know him well, and he knows me. I've told him things about myself - things I am not yet comfortable sharing here - that explain why I don't think this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
Because of the way the previous renters of the Lisa and Shaun bodies behaved, we found ourselves in this situation where everyone in the world thinks we're in a relationship together. It was awkward in the beginning, because I was new to this, obviously, and the last thing I wanted to be was a "girlfriend." Luckily, I didn't have to very much, aside from the occasional meeting with his family or mine. I look back at those early days of awkwardness and laugh, what they must have thought of my body language, reclining away from him on the couch, seeming distant during conversations... if it weren't for the Inn magic, the idea that we were a couple would have seemed impossible.
But it's easier to pretend now that we have rhythm. I can kid him about things, I have stories to tell when people ask, we get along great. I still don't think I'd hold his hand in public, but that's not required. I just don't lean away from him when we're sitting side by side.
What we have is an understanding, in the place of a conventional relationship. As far as the world knows, we're "together," but he knows we are definitely not in reality, and if he wanted, he could date any woman in the world. I know it wouldn't though. From our talks, he seems determined to take time for himself before getting into a relationship again. I hope he does.
And I suppose, I could date anyone I wanted. But I haven't felt attracted to even one man (or woman) in my time here. I've been "asked out" once or twice, and my reaction is more like polite embarrassment for the person asking, and I'm thankful I have my fake "relationship" as an excuse. It's a fragile balance we have to strike. I just hope he doesn't let me impact his life too much. I don't plan on being here forever.
Because of the way the previous renters of the Lisa and Shaun bodies behaved, we found ourselves in this situation where everyone in the world thinks we're in a relationship together. It was awkward in the beginning, because I was new to this, obviously, and the last thing I wanted to be was a "girlfriend." Luckily, I didn't have to very much, aside from the occasional meeting with his family or mine. I look back at those early days of awkwardness and laugh, what they must have thought of my body language, reclining away from him on the couch, seeming distant during conversations... if it weren't for the Inn magic, the idea that we were a couple would have seemed impossible.
But it's easier to pretend now that we have rhythm. I can kid him about things, I have stories to tell when people ask, we get along great. I still don't think I'd hold his hand in public, but that's not required. I just don't lean away from him when we're sitting side by side.
What we have is an understanding, in the place of a conventional relationship. As far as the world knows, we're "together," but he knows we are definitely not in reality, and if he wanted, he could date any woman in the world. I know it wouldn't though. From our talks, he seems determined to take time for himself before getting into a relationship again. I hope he does.
And I suppose, I could date anyone I wanted. But I haven't felt attracted to even one man (or woman) in my time here. I've been "asked out" once or twice, and my reaction is more like polite embarrassment for the person asking, and I'm thankful I have my fake "relationship" as an excuse. It's a fragile balance we have to strike. I just hope he doesn't let me impact his life too much. I don't plan on being here forever.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Ellie: I haven't forgotten.
It's been a busy summer, and now that I'm back in school, life is only getting busier. If Ellie was going through school at the normal rate, I would have graduated last spring, but thanks to her complicated life, I'm taking a delayed path through high school. Fair enough since I missed it the first time around.
I've only got two classes, science and math, then after lunch most days I work a shift at a department store. I spent all summer looking for work, but everyone was all hired up until September. This way I can save up, because I have a feeling I'm going to have to start seriously thinking about colleges. Truth is, it looks like the real Ellie is long gone and maybe never to return. I would give her her life back in a heartbeat... I don't have any particular attachment to it, obviously, but I'm comfortable here and really not comfy handing it off to someone else. I can handle being a teenage girl. Usually.
I spent a lot of this summer keeping the people I consider my friends at a distance. It started at prom, when I went with Callahan, and guilted my friend Iris into coming even though she'd be pretty much alone while I attended to my date. Iris is not the kind of person who would have a lot of fun dancing and partying, especially more or less alone. But I told her I cared about her too much to let her stay home while I was having fun. That was my mistake.
To her credit, she was game. On very short notice she got a great dress and when I asked throughout the night if she was having fun she didn't seem totally miserable. I told myself it was good for her but maybe I shouldn't have pushed so hard. I prodded her into coming along to an after-party with me and Callahan and Emily and her boyfriend. One of the jocks has really open-minded parents, so there was about 15 kids there, plenty of booze, and no adults.
I've already lived through some pretty wild stuff, honestly. These kids, getting their first taste of freedom, going a bit nuts, I understand. I really didn't expect Iris to take to it, though, but she really did dive in and start drinking. Until she started throwing up. I spent the last few hours of the night taking care of her in the bathroom. Between retching, she kept apologizing for making me take care of her like this and saying how pathetic she felt but I kept trying to tell her it's okay, she's young - I mean we're young. She fell asleep curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor, I slept in the bathtub. It was nice in a kind of weird sister-caretaker kind of way. But it seems like she was pretty embarrassed because she didn't talk to me much before going on vacation for most of the summer.
Meanwhile, there was Callahan, who I wasn't clicking with the way I thought I might. He was mainly interested in the physical aspect of being in a relationship. And don't get me wrong, he was handsome and I have needs, but when he holds me, I can't help but feel how much younger he is than me, how inexperienced. If I am going to be Ellie forever then I might have to stay alone for a while because the difference between me and everyone around me is too glaring, even after a year. I don't understand how Emily puts herself through it.
The good news is, if I wanted to know, I can ask. Emily obviously has the same spotty educational record as Ellie, so she's still here with me, while her boyfriend is off at University of Michigan, and Callahan is at University of Miami. I don't even know what she thinks of all this.
For now, the plan is just to soldier on, take it day by day as Ellie, year by year if necessary. It's depressing sometimes, to be stuck here, but I guess that's what being a teenager is.
I've only got two classes, science and math, then after lunch most days I work a shift at a department store. I spent all summer looking for work, but everyone was all hired up until September. This way I can save up, because I have a feeling I'm going to have to start seriously thinking about colleges. Truth is, it looks like the real Ellie is long gone and maybe never to return. I would give her her life back in a heartbeat... I don't have any particular attachment to it, obviously, but I'm comfortable here and really not comfy handing it off to someone else. I can handle being a teenage girl. Usually.
I spent a lot of this summer keeping the people I consider my friends at a distance. It started at prom, when I went with Callahan, and guilted my friend Iris into coming even though she'd be pretty much alone while I attended to my date. Iris is not the kind of person who would have a lot of fun dancing and partying, especially more or less alone. But I told her I cared about her too much to let her stay home while I was having fun. That was my mistake.
To her credit, she was game. On very short notice she got a great dress and when I asked throughout the night if she was having fun she didn't seem totally miserable. I told myself it was good for her but maybe I shouldn't have pushed so hard. I prodded her into coming along to an after-party with me and Callahan and Emily and her boyfriend. One of the jocks has really open-minded parents, so there was about 15 kids there, plenty of booze, and no adults.
I've already lived through some pretty wild stuff, honestly. These kids, getting their first taste of freedom, going a bit nuts, I understand. I really didn't expect Iris to take to it, though, but she really did dive in and start drinking. Until she started throwing up. I spent the last few hours of the night taking care of her in the bathroom. Between retching, she kept apologizing for making me take care of her like this and saying how pathetic she felt but I kept trying to tell her it's okay, she's young - I mean we're young. She fell asleep curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor, I slept in the bathtub. It was nice in a kind of weird sister-caretaker kind of way. But it seems like she was pretty embarrassed because she didn't talk to me much before going on vacation for most of the summer.
Meanwhile, there was Callahan, who I wasn't clicking with the way I thought I might. He was mainly interested in the physical aspect of being in a relationship. And don't get me wrong, he was handsome and I have needs, but when he holds me, I can't help but feel how much younger he is than me, how inexperienced. If I am going to be Ellie forever then I might have to stay alone for a while because the difference between me and everyone around me is too glaring, even after a year. I don't understand how Emily puts herself through it.
The good news is, if I wanted to know, I can ask. Emily obviously has the same spotty educational record as Ellie, so she's still here with me, while her boyfriend is off at University of Michigan, and Callahan is at University of Miami. I don't even know what she thinks of all this.
For now, the plan is just to soldier on, take it day by day as Ellie, year by year if necessary. It's depressing sometimes, to be stuck here, but I guess that's what being a teenager is.
Monday, September 03, 2012
Tori: Done and gone
So... where was I.
Alex, aka George, gave me some time to think about the decision. For me it really wasn't a decision but I needed a lot of time to figure out how I was going to tell him that without revealing that it was because I have been to the Inn already.
We met up on a Saturday early in August when neither of us was working, at an outdoor cafe. I was probably trying to be cool, like in the movies, where you see people having top secret meetings in public. Also I was scared of what might happen if we were alone.
I sat down with him and began, "I've thought a lot about what you've told me... about yourself, about this magic Inn that transforms people... about your offer. I've spent a long time considering the possibilities."
I told him plainly, "I'm sorry... I don't want this. Alex, if you can move into this new life, why can't you come back and meet me again and tell me it's you? Why do you need me to go?" Since we know the Inn curse doesn't really work on me, and he's already told me, I thought I was being clever.
He twisted in his seat. "This new life of mine... it's going to be a long way away from here. And I'm not going to be able to come back to Philadelphia. If you love me, if you want to stay with me, you would have to come with me. Not just to the new place, but in a new life. That's the only way. It won't work if you're still... I mean, it would be a sacrifice, but it would be the only way. The only way. Please reconsider." He kept saying that, 'the only way.' It made me grit my teeth.
"I can't, though. My life, my family, my friends... you can't tell me it should be easy for me to walk away from that. If you were still George, and you had a chance to change your life, would you do it?"
"If I knew what I know now? That I'd be happy and in love and successful for the rest of my life? Yes."
He was making it so hard. So painful, but I swallowed my fear and told him again. I knew I was doing the right thing. "No. Still. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too," he said. "I wish I could come back to you in a new body and say it's me... it's Alex... but you know there's a funny thing about this Inn curse. It keeps people from figuring it out. If you tell someone you've been to the inn, they won't believe you because they can't understand... unless they've been."
I gulped.
"But you do understand. So tell me again, Tori..." he said slowly, like he was putting quotation marks around my name, "Why don't you want to come back with me?"
I let out a fearful sigh. There was a long pause before I finally said, "You figured it out." I was shattered.
"You didn't react like someone who had never been to the Inn. You knew all the questions to ask. I could see you sorting it out in your head. Why didn't you think you could tell me?"
"I was worried that if you knew - that I was like you - that would make you think you could convince me to go. But I'm not like you. You're George in Alex's body, and I'm... I am Tori, okay? Nothing else matters about me and I could never walk away from this and I hope you'll understand. Just because I know what it's like to become another person doesn't mean I would ever want to again."
"I wish I could say the same," he said. "I wish I had a choice, even. But promises have been made. Deals are in motion, so for you and me, it's now or never."
I began to say, "If we could get more time..."
"We've had a year together," he said, "And it's been an amazing year. This is our only way forward together."
"Stop saying that," I said, "Please, stop acting like you don't have a choice. We can make it work, Alex, if we care about each other..."
"I'm doing this because I care about you," he said again. "I want the best for you, and you're never going to get it in Philly, striving for a career that you might never get back."
I paused, "I... what do you mean, get back?"
"Well that was sort of a clue, in retrospect," he said. "Beautiful girl like you. Used to be a hairdresser. One day you decide you're into computers? I can't believe I didn't see it right away."
I smiled in spite of myself, embarrassed. "Yeah," I sighed, "When I knew I was staying as Tori, that was a... direction I had to take."
His mood turned back to a bit humorous, "I guess in your old life, the guys weren't exactly lining up to date you, were they."
I almost laughed right out loud, but held it back and finally said, "No. No they definitely were not."
"If you're worried that you won't look good after the transformation, I can assure you--"
"It's not about that," I said firmly.
"That's why we're finally having this conversation," he said, that handsome gleam in his eye, "You fascinate me, Tori. I love how you didn't decide to skate by on your looks. A lot of people misjudge you because of who they think you are, but you're smart. And I want to get to know you more. The real you."
"You already do know the real me," I said. "I'm an honest person. I'm not comfortable taking the easy way out."
"I'm sorry you think of it that way," he said. "I'm sorry you're not more curious about the world outside of this city, where you can be so much more. Why are you so afraid to take a chance?"
Deep breath. "Because deep down, all I want, for the rest of my life, is to forget that Inn ever happened to me. I started fresh once, years ago, and I'm not doing it again. I'm keeping this life, for the good and the bad. You keep making me these vague promises for a better life, but there has to be a way for me to be happy without ever setting foot in that place again. There has to be. If that means you and I are done...
"This isn't easy for me, Alex," I said with a sniff. "If you love me... let me go."
"Okay," he whispered, obviously shaken. "Tori... if that's your decision... your final, final decision... there's nothing I can say to change your mind. Just know that I love you. No matter what. Whatever happens... I just hope you don't regret this someday."
And then he left. And that's the last I saw of him. I don't know if he was in Maine when Greg was. I don't know who he's become, or who's become him, if it was the original Alex or someone else. I don't know anything. I'm a little scared to ask.
Those words have haunted me all month, though. "Hope you don't regret this."
Alex, aka George, gave me some time to think about the decision. For me it really wasn't a decision but I needed a lot of time to figure out how I was going to tell him that without revealing that it was because I have been to the Inn already.
We met up on a Saturday early in August when neither of us was working, at an outdoor cafe. I was probably trying to be cool, like in the movies, where you see people having top secret meetings in public. Also I was scared of what might happen if we were alone.
I sat down with him and began, "I've thought a lot about what you've told me... about yourself, about this magic Inn that transforms people... about your offer. I've spent a long time considering the possibilities."
I told him plainly, "I'm sorry... I don't want this. Alex, if you can move into this new life, why can't you come back and meet me again and tell me it's you? Why do you need me to go?" Since we know the Inn curse doesn't really work on me, and he's already told me, I thought I was being clever.
He twisted in his seat. "This new life of mine... it's going to be a long way away from here. And I'm not going to be able to come back to Philadelphia. If you love me, if you want to stay with me, you would have to come with me. Not just to the new place, but in a new life. That's the only way. It won't work if you're still... I mean, it would be a sacrifice, but it would be the only way. The only way. Please reconsider." He kept saying that, 'the only way.' It made me grit my teeth.
"I can't, though. My life, my family, my friends... you can't tell me it should be easy for me to walk away from that. If you were still George, and you had a chance to change your life, would you do it?"
"If I knew what I know now? That I'd be happy and in love and successful for the rest of my life? Yes."
He was making it so hard. So painful, but I swallowed my fear and told him again. I knew I was doing the right thing. "No. Still. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too," he said. "I wish I could come back to you in a new body and say it's me... it's Alex... but you know there's a funny thing about this Inn curse. It keeps people from figuring it out. If you tell someone you've been to the inn, they won't believe you because they can't understand... unless they've been."
I gulped.
"But you do understand. So tell me again, Tori..." he said slowly, like he was putting quotation marks around my name, "Why don't you want to come back with me?"
I let out a fearful sigh. There was a long pause before I finally said, "You figured it out." I was shattered.
"You didn't react like someone who had never been to the Inn. You knew all the questions to ask. I could see you sorting it out in your head. Why didn't you think you could tell me?"
"I was worried that if you knew - that I was like you - that would make you think you could convince me to go. But I'm not like you. You're George in Alex's body, and I'm... I am Tori, okay? Nothing else matters about me and I could never walk away from this and I hope you'll understand. Just because I know what it's like to become another person doesn't mean I would ever want to again."
"I wish I could say the same," he said. "I wish I had a choice, even. But promises have been made. Deals are in motion, so for you and me, it's now or never."
I began to say, "If we could get more time..."
"We've had a year together," he said, "And it's been an amazing year. This is our only way forward together."
"Stop saying that," I said, "Please, stop acting like you don't have a choice. We can make it work, Alex, if we care about each other..."
"I'm doing this because I care about you," he said again. "I want the best for you, and you're never going to get it in Philly, striving for a career that you might never get back."
I paused, "I... what do you mean, get back?"
"Well that was sort of a clue, in retrospect," he said. "Beautiful girl like you. Used to be a hairdresser. One day you decide you're into computers? I can't believe I didn't see it right away."
I smiled in spite of myself, embarrassed. "Yeah," I sighed, "When I knew I was staying as Tori, that was a... direction I had to take."
His mood turned back to a bit humorous, "I guess in your old life, the guys weren't exactly lining up to date you, were they."
I almost laughed right out loud, but held it back and finally said, "No. No they definitely were not."
"If you're worried that you won't look good after the transformation, I can assure you--"
"It's not about that," I said firmly.
"That's why we're finally having this conversation," he said, that handsome gleam in his eye, "You fascinate me, Tori. I love how you didn't decide to skate by on your looks. A lot of people misjudge you because of who they think you are, but you're smart. And I want to get to know you more. The real you."
"You already do know the real me," I said. "I'm an honest person. I'm not comfortable taking the easy way out."
"I'm sorry you think of it that way," he said. "I'm sorry you're not more curious about the world outside of this city, where you can be so much more. Why are you so afraid to take a chance?"
Deep breath. "Because deep down, all I want, for the rest of my life, is to forget that Inn ever happened to me. I started fresh once, years ago, and I'm not doing it again. I'm keeping this life, for the good and the bad. You keep making me these vague promises for a better life, but there has to be a way for me to be happy without ever setting foot in that place again. There has to be. If that means you and I are done...
"This isn't easy for me, Alex," I said with a sniff. "If you love me... let me go."
"Okay," he whispered, obviously shaken. "Tori... if that's your decision... your final, final decision... there's nothing I can say to change your mind. Just know that I love you. No matter what. Whatever happens... I just hope you don't regret this someday."
And then he left. And that's the last I saw of him. I don't know if he was in Maine when Greg was. I don't know who he's become, or who's become him, if it was the original Alex or someone else. I don't know anything. I'm a little scared to ask.
Those words have haunted me all month, though. "Hope you don't regret this."
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Greg/Kurt:: Another day, another...
Right. So for everyone not insightful enough to notice the change in name in the blog post title, I'm in a different body now. Again. Took long enough, didn't happen until Saturday night and Malinda was freaking out. If we didn't have 13 people by Sunday morning, I was going to call Fletcher and see if some other travellers would even things out , but I'm really glad it didn't come down to that, not only because he's weird but because he'd probably make me do things for/with him in return.
Anyway, Saturday night I was reading the internet my phone in bed when I felt the tingling sensation. I took a deep breath and looked down and saw dark hair sprouting out of my legs. My first two years at the inn I was asleep for the changes, but I watched them happen live last year. Weird as it sounds, I actually like to watch it live. Its kind of horror movie but it makes it feel like less of a shock if you watch it happen in real time. Either way I stripped naked and headed into the bathroom and by the time I looked in the mirror I had hair growing out of my chest, armpits, and pubic area as well.
If I had to describe the change from a woman to a man in one word it would be "growing". You can feel everything about you getting bigger. Your height, your muscle tone, and...your genitals. It was weird watching a penis grow back after so long without one, heck it's weird having one again still after 2 days but it's not as big a shock as not having one was.
When it was all over, a dude was staring back at me in the mirror. Not muscular, not fat, not ugly, not hot. Brown hair, brown eyes, white skin. Just kind of dude. I flexed my muscles and looked over myself in the mirror when I heard a knocking at my door. I put on the robe I brought (which was a bit short now) and went to the door to find Malinda, the real Malinda. The pretty blonde who had stayed in the room next to me a year ago but was a lot bitchier back then.
"It worked!" She shrieked bursting into my room and jumping up and down "It worked Greg, it worked it worked! You are Greg, right?"
"Yes" I assured her "It changes the body, not the minds"
"I'm so happy to be me" she said hugging me "Thank you so much for your help"
"No problem" As I said that there was a scream of horror from down the hall "It sounds like others are going to be in need of help"
"Should we offer?" she suggested
"Wait until morning" I said "All this changing has made me sleepy"
*******
I woke up Sunday morning and after I got over how weird everything felt I got dressed in some of Kurt's clothes, read his letter one more time, and went out into the lobby to see what was going on.
When I got out there I saw some people in ill fitting clothes in the lobby standing around listening to Malinda finish explaining things "It's important to remember that this can only be temporary and you just have to do your best to make it through the next year"
When she was done talking the people went back to their rooms to presumably look at their letters and luggage. I walked up to her and said "Well aren't you the good little leader" jokingly.
"I figured since I knew what was happening, and I'm in my right body, that it would be helpful for them to gain from my experience. I told them about your blog too"
"More pageviews, awesome. So what's next?"
"I fly out of Portland tonight, you?"
"Lucky. My guy took the Amtrak. He's got a monthly pass or something"
We helped each other pack and answered questions of other guests until it was checkout time at noon, when we took our luggage and waited in front of the inn for the real Sharon and Alexis.
Sharon showed up first, we noticed the big rig pulling up was the same one that had been parked in front of our condo a few months ago when she came to yell at Malinda. Sharon in Jack's body got out and took his suitcase towards the inn when we realized he didn't recognize us so I called to her using her real name. She looked at us weird and walked over slowly. "Greg?" she said eyeing both of us, not sure which one was which.
"Me" I spoke up "Male again"
"Can't say I envy you. I can't wait to get rid of this thing."
We talked a few minutes and Malinda filled her in on a few details when a Taxi cab came up and a middle aged brunette got out.
"Honey" Sharon squealed in a hilarious way "You made it"
The real Alexis, who spent the last year in Minnesota as Selena Bookman, walked up to her spouse and gave her a long, satisfied hug. "Her marriage is going to be strained. That idiot she's married too didn't want me to go but she'll have to get over it"
We gave them a little bit of advice and reminded them to sleep separately in the correct rooms, otherwise they might end up as each other. We said one last goodbye before Alex gave me a hug.
"Thanks for keeping my life in order, Greg. I couldn't have asked for anyone better"
"Its what I do" I said in a Han Solo manner that made me feel like a bad ass.
Malinda and I split Selena's cap to Portland where I hugged her goodbye "Tulsa isn't far from where I live. Visit sometime"
With that, my once pretend gay wife went to board her plane.
As for me, I'm in Washington DC. For those of you that Aren't American I should explain that Amtrak, the US passenger rail line, is complete garbage outside of the Northeast, and doesn't even go to Tulsa. I have to go to Kansas City and take a bus to Oklahoma. So now I'm in the train station on the laptop this body came with, awaiting details on my next adventure.
Happy Trails, (I'll be in cowboy country soon)
Greg
Anyway, Saturday night I was reading the internet my phone in bed when I felt the tingling sensation. I took a deep breath and looked down and saw dark hair sprouting out of my legs. My first two years at the inn I was asleep for the changes, but I watched them happen live last year. Weird as it sounds, I actually like to watch it live. Its kind of horror movie but it makes it feel like less of a shock if you watch it happen in real time. Either way I stripped naked and headed into the bathroom and by the time I looked in the mirror I had hair growing out of my chest, armpits, and pubic area as well.
If I had to describe the change from a woman to a man in one word it would be "growing". You can feel everything about you getting bigger. Your height, your muscle tone, and...your genitals. It was weird watching a penis grow back after so long without one, heck it's weird having one again still after 2 days but it's not as big a shock as not having one was.
When it was all over, a dude was staring back at me in the mirror. Not muscular, not fat, not ugly, not hot. Brown hair, brown eyes, white skin. Just kind of dude. I flexed my muscles and looked over myself in the mirror when I heard a knocking at my door. I put on the robe I brought (which was a bit short now) and went to the door to find Malinda, the real Malinda. The pretty blonde who had stayed in the room next to me a year ago but was a lot bitchier back then.
"It worked!" She shrieked bursting into my room and jumping up and down "It worked Greg, it worked it worked! You are Greg, right?"
"Yes" I assured her "It changes the body, not the minds"
"I'm so happy to be me" she said hugging me "Thank you so much for your help"
"No problem" As I said that there was a scream of horror from down the hall "It sounds like others are going to be in need of help"
"Should we offer?" she suggested
"Wait until morning" I said "All this changing has made me sleepy"
*******
I woke up Sunday morning and after I got over how weird everything felt I got dressed in some of Kurt's clothes, read his letter one more time, and went out into the lobby to see what was going on.
When I got out there I saw some people in ill fitting clothes in the lobby standing around listening to Malinda finish explaining things "It's important to remember that this can only be temporary and you just have to do your best to make it through the next year"
When she was done talking the people went back to their rooms to presumably look at their letters and luggage. I walked up to her and said "Well aren't you the good little leader" jokingly.
"I figured since I knew what was happening, and I'm in my right body, that it would be helpful for them to gain from my experience. I told them about your blog too"
"More pageviews, awesome. So what's next?"
"I fly out of Portland tonight, you?"
"Lucky. My guy took the Amtrak. He's got a monthly pass or something"
We helped each other pack and answered questions of other guests until it was checkout time at noon, when we took our luggage and waited in front of the inn for the real Sharon and Alexis.
Sharon showed up first, we noticed the big rig pulling up was the same one that had been parked in front of our condo a few months ago when she came to yell at Malinda. Sharon in Jack's body got out and took his suitcase towards the inn when we realized he didn't recognize us so I called to her using her real name. She looked at us weird and walked over slowly. "Greg?" she said eyeing both of us, not sure which one was which.
"Me" I spoke up "Male again"
"Can't say I envy you. I can't wait to get rid of this thing."
We talked a few minutes and Malinda filled her in on a few details when a Taxi cab came up and a middle aged brunette got out.
"Honey" Sharon squealed in a hilarious way "You made it"
The real Alexis, who spent the last year in Minnesota as Selena Bookman, walked up to her spouse and gave her a long, satisfied hug. "Her marriage is going to be strained. That idiot she's married too didn't want me to go but she'll have to get over it"
We gave them a little bit of advice and reminded them to sleep separately in the correct rooms, otherwise they might end up as each other. We said one last goodbye before Alex gave me a hug.
"Thanks for keeping my life in order, Greg. I couldn't have asked for anyone better"
"Its what I do" I said in a Han Solo manner that made me feel like a bad ass.
Malinda and I split Selena's cap to Portland where I hugged her goodbye "Tulsa isn't far from where I live. Visit sometime"
With that, my once pretend gay wife went to board her plane.
As for me, I'm in Washington DC. For those of you that Aren't American I should explain that Amtrak, the US passenger rail line, is complete garbage outside of the Northeast, and doesn't even go to Tulsa. I have to go to Kansas City and take a bus to Oklahoma. So now I'm in the train station on the laptop this body came with, awaiting details on my next adventure.
Happy Trails, (I'll be in cowboy country soon)
Greg
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Greg/Still Alexis: Any Minute Now
There are people, usually families, who spend their vacations every year going to the same place every year. My aunt and uncle were like that and I always thought it was pretty boring. Now I'm the same way, by default. Every year I check in to the same little hotel in Old Orchard Beach and go through something bizarre and other worldly that has become almost routine for me. Although I do get the added bonus of going home to a new place every year.
This year that place is Tulsa, Oklahoma. I toyed with the idea of keeping the readers in suspense by not saying who I was going to become after I read the note, but I scrapped it when I realized that it was mean and might seem silly if I dont become that person.
That said, I'M GOING TO BE A GUY AGAIN!. The previous tenant in this room was one Kurt Chalker of Tulsa. He's 27, single, and works as a manager at an electronics store. Took a tour of the upper Eastern Seaboard and wound up here. And then turned into a Chinese business man looking to invest in Portland. He's over there right now, and he does NOT speak Chinese. Still, worse things could have happened.
Malinda is all set. Her suitcase is full of her old clothes and things and her purse and wallet are all there too. She's super giddy all the time so we do normal vacation stuff to keep her mind off of it.
Of course "normal vacation things" are always going to be tainted by the knowledge that everyone you see at the hotel is going to have their life changed and there is NOTHING you can do about it. I'm sure at least someone else is here to be changed, but its hard to start that conversation. We inn goers need a code word or something.
We spend a lot of time at the beach, tanning these bodies so their real owners will look like they were on vacation. Sometimes we act as wife and wife and hold hands while we walk down the beach, just to see who notices and stares. Nobody really caused any trouble though, but staring at each other in swimsuits all day did kind of work us up a little bit to the point where we would go back to the hotel and fool around, being very very careful to be in our correct rooms in case the change happened that night.
Its weird waiting for it. Its near impossible to get a full and exact count of how many people are in the rooms at once so you never know if it's 13 when youre in yours. So I stay up late at night, waiting for that familiar tingling only to fall asleep and wake up, waiting for the next night.
Until then it's shopping, tanning, and waiting
-Greg
This year that place is Tulsa, Oklahoma. I toyed with the idea of keeping the readers in suspense by not saying who I was going to become after I read the note, but I scrapped it when I realized that it was mean and might seem silly if I dont become that person.
That said, I'M GOING TO BE A GUY AGAIN!. The previous tenant in this room was one Kurt Chalker of Tulsa. He's 27, single, and works as a manager at an electronics store. Took a tour of the upper Eastern Seaboard and wound up here. And then turned into a Chinese business man looking to invest in Portland. He's over there right now, and he does NOT speak Chinese. Still, worse things could have happened.
Malinda is all set. Her suitcase is full of her old clothes and things and her purse and wallet are all there too. She's super giddy all the time so we do normal vacation stuff to keep her mind off of it.
Of course "normal vacation things" are always going to be tainted by the knowledge that everyone you see at the hotel is going to have their life changed and there is NOTHING you can do about it. I'm sure at least someone else is here to be changed, but its hard to start that conversation. We inn goers need a code word or something.
We spend a lot of time at the beach, tanning these bodies so their real owners will look like they were on vacation. Sometimes we act as wife and wife and hold hands while we walk down the beach, just to see who notices and stares. Nobody really caused any trouble though, but staring at each other in swimsuits all day did kind of work us up a little bit to the point where we would go back to the hotel and fool around, being very very careful to be in our correct rooms in case the change happened that night.
Its weird waiting for it. Its near impossible to get a full and exact count of how many people are in the rooms at once so you never know if it's 13 when youre in yours. So I stay up late at night, waiting for that familiar tingling only to fall asleep and wake up, waiting for the next night.
Until then it's shopping, tanning, and waiting
-Greg
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Greg/Alexis: Exit (36) Strategy
When you're about about to go to the Trading Post Inn, and you know what is going to happen there, there can be a looming sense of dread and anticipation. Knowing that soon you will be someone different can really mess with your head, which is why towards the end of my adventure as Alexis I'm trying not to think about it much.
It helps that I'm in a comfortable situation. Malinda and I have spent the last couple weeks coupling, just having a relaxed time together and not sweating the small stuff, (its easy not to sweat the small stuff when your leaving too, this house is kinda dirty). Malinda is visibly excited about going back, she thought it would never get here. I'm cautiously optimistic for her but didn't let it show as we spent the last week sitting around in the air conditioning ogling the female Olympic Athletes.
Sunday was the day we left and that morning Malinda woke me up like a kid on Christmas. "Moving Day" she said excitedly.
"Our last night in the same bed" I mused
"We have up to 2 weeks at the inn...it can be a couples vacation for us"
I shook my head "Nope, not risking it. After what happened with Lisa and Zane and all them, I'm not going to risk being next to you when the change begins. I might wind up in your body, and I dont feel like I can pretend to be that snotty" She threw a pillow at me playfully and went downstairs to make breakfast.
Old Orchard Beach is roughly 3 and a half hours from Burlington depending on how fast you go and the weather, so we were leaving mid afternoon, that allowed me to wrap up some final loose ends from my time as Alexis Barco.
My first stop was work,where I had to drop off some files and USB sticks for George, the person who will be acting as manager for the next two weeks. You might recall that I went on a bit of a "spirit quest" earlier in the year to meet Fletcher in Canada, doing that ate up the vacation time I was going to use for the inn trip, so officially the next 4 weeks or so are going to be a "leave of absence" which is like a vacation but Alexis isn't going to be paid for them.
The next stop was Target to pick up some things for the trip, not for me per se, but for the person who potentially becomes me. It's all organized for Alexis to stay in my room right after me and get her body back, but as we know, stuff happens. So I'm preparing a bit of a "survival kit" for anyone that gets this body but doesn't know how to cope with it. These things include comfy sweatpants, simple underwear, sports bra, and a baseball cap. I even wrote a note explaining who Alexis and Sharon are if things went REALLY wrong.
My final stop was the post office, where I was going to mail a letter. It's been years since I've used snail mail but the slowness of the delivery was a benefit in this case. The letter was a simple note addressed to Annabelle saying "I miss being friends, lets hang out when I get back" wrapped around a photo of Alex and Annabelle from their hockey playing days. Hopefully that will sow the seeds to restore their friendship that I messed up.
When I got back I helped Malinda load the bags into the Range Rover and we looked back at the condo.
"Goodbye, home" I said with a mock wave
"For better or for worse, I'll never forget it" Malinda said and squeezed my hand.
"The inn changes you on the inside too, but you have a little more control over that. I'd say all in all you've turned out pretty cool"
"I was always cool" she teased
"Maybe" I said as I tossed her the keys "You earned it"
She caught them and looked at them for a moment "You never let me drive"
"I didn't trust you before. Or I didn't like you before, one of those things"
"Stop teasing or I'll leave without you"
We drove off away from the sunset and got to the Inn late last night. Not many people here yet so I'll probably post at least once more from this body before things change.
-Greg
PS 36 is the exit number for Old Orchard Beach off of I-195. But don't go there, seriously. It's not all lesbian sex and luxury SUV's ;)
It helps that I'm in a comfortable situation. Malinda and I have spent the last couple weeks coupling, just having a relaxed time together and not sweating the small stuff, (its easy not to sweat the small stuff when your leaving too, this house is kinda dirty). Malinda is visibly excited about going back, she thought it would never get here. I'm cautiously optimistic for her but didn't let it show as we spent the last week sitting around in the air conditioning ogling the female Olympic Athletes.
Sunday was the day we left and that morning Malinda woke me up like a kid on Christmas. "Moving Day" she said excitedly.
"Our last night in the same bed" I mused
"We have up to 2 weeks at the inn...it can be a couples vacation for us"
I shook my head "Nope, not risking it. After what happened with Lisa and Zane and all them, I'm not going to risk being next to you when the change begins. I might wind up in your body, and I dont feel like I can pretend to be that snotty" She threw a pillow at me playfully and went downstairs to make breakfast.
Old Orchard Beach is roughly 3 and a half hours from Burlington depending on how fast you go and the weather, so we were leaving mid afternoon, that allowed me to wrap up some final loose ends from my time as Alexis Barco.
My first stop was work,where I had to drop off some files and USB sticks for George, the person who will be acting as manager for the next two weeks. You might recall that I went on a bit of a "spirit quest" earlier in the year to meet Fletcher in Canada, doing that ate up the vacation time I was going to use for the inn trip, so officially the next 4 weeks or so are going to be a "leave of absence" which is like a vacation but Alexis isn't going to be paid for them.
The next stop was Target to pick up some things for the trip, not for me per se, but for the person who potentially becomes me. It's all organized for Alexis to stay in my room right after me and get her body back, but as we know, stuff happens. So I'm preparing a bit of a "survival kit" for anyone that gets this body but doesn't know how to cope with it. These things include comfy sweatpants, simple underwear, sports bra, and a baseball cap. I even wrote a note explaining who Alexis and Sharon are if things went REALLY wrong.
My final stop was the post office, where I was going to mail a letter. It's been years since I've used snail mail but the slowness of the delivery was a benefit in this case. The letter was a simple note addressed to Annabelle saying "I miss being friends, lets hang out when I get back" wrapped around a photo of Alex and Annabelle from their hockey playing days. Hopefully that will sow the seeds to restore their friendship that I messed up.
When I got back I helped Malinda load the bags into the Range Rover and we looked back at the condo.
"Goodbye, home" I said with a mock wave
"For better or for worse, I'll never forget it" Malinda said and squeezed my hand.
"The inn changes you on the inside too, but you have a little more control over that. I'd say all in all you've turned out pretty cool"
"I was always cool" she teased
"Maybe" I said as I tossed her the keys "You earned it"
She caught them and looked at them for a moment "You never let me drive"
"I didn't trust you before. Or I didn't like you before, one of those things"
"Stop teasing or I'll leave without you"
We drove off away from the sunset and got to the Inn late last night. Not many people here yet so I'll probably post at least once more from this body before things change.
-Greg
PS 36 is the exit number for Old Orchard Beach off of I-195. But don't go there, seriously. It's not all lesbian sex and luxury SUV's ;)
Tuesday, August 07, 2012
Tori: Reverting
For a while after Alex told me the truth about him, it was like was had agreed to break up.
It was weird the way we left it. Even though we were such an important part of each other's life for a year, suddenly he drops this bomb on me and disappears, pre-emptively ending our relationship before he was even gone. And me... god, I'm ashamed of myself. Suddenly it was like I was Cliff again, afraid to peel back the curtain and TALK to him.
Truth-telling time: When I was a guy, I ruined a few potential relationships because I was afraid to check in on somebody when things were in doubt. Things could have been salvaged. I've come to prefer being a woman partly because I'm more comfortable being pursued, and now when the chips are down, I revert back to old habits. I was a little disgusted with myself when I realized that. I spent weeks mourning a relationship that had not ended yet.
I went and saw Alex - I won't call him George because he's Alex to me. I told him to meet me at a cafe near our old workplace on his lunchbreak.
He sat down across from me. "I'm so glad you called," he said.
"I've spent a lot of time thinking about what you told me. Trying to make sense of it." I stammered for a bit, assessing the situation... letting him know my "grasp" of it based on the idea that I'd never heard of the Inn before, before finally saying "So all of this means you have to leave... you have to stop being Alex... you have to give this person back his body. But whoever you are... we've grown very close over the last year. Tell me that isn't a lie."
"It's isn't," he said firmly.
I took a deep breath, "Then I don't see why this has to be the end for us. I don't see why I can't meet the real George Mueller. Why we can't still be together."
He smiled. "Tori, I keep asking myself that same question. If I could walk out of that Inn the same old George I used to be... if I could come back to Philly and hold you in my arms I would. You're half the reason I stayed as Alex. The other half, though, is that there isn't a George Mueller to go back to. Don't ask why, it's a long story, but I've spent the last year trying to figure out how to make it work. How to keep you and give Alex back his body and find a new one for myself... and that's when I met them."
My back tensed. "Them?"
"It's sort of hard to explain, Tori... see, there's a lot of people out there who get caught up in this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, of course, but it's sort of a support group, slash... agency. They use the inn to trade bodies, to arrange for transformations. Deliberate ones, to benefit people. And they've found something for me."
At first I was thinking of Fletcher and his travelers... but that didn't sound quite right. From what I know, Fletcher and his friends just kind of float around. There's nothing deliberate about it. My teeth clenched. This was getting weird.
He went on, "They have a lot of resources, they pulled some strings... it's not important. But part of this deal means I have to take on someone else's life for a while. Again. And that's going to keep me away from you... I know you don't do well with long distance relationships but there's not much I can do. I already promised I would be out of Alex's life by the end of the summer."
I sat there quietly. All I could say was "So... it's out of your control?"
"Yes," he said. "They were pretty specific. They won't even let me tell you who I'm going to become."
"I see," I said, breathlessly.
"Unless..." he said, "You want to go with me?"
I lifted my eyes. My jaw fell open. My throat caught itself trying to say "What?" like I was a female Michael Cera.
"I know this is a long shot," he said, "Like I said, I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, but good things can come out of it, and I think maybe... if everything goes according to plan, if you take this risk with me, we can be happy together. We can make it work. I must sound so crazy right now, but I think I could convince them to give us a good start."
"It's so crazy," he went on, "And I feel like a jerk for even asking. It's just that I feel like maybe... it could be good for you. A fresh start. Sometimes I see you when you don't think I'm looking... I see this look on your face when you think about your life, and it's not all you think it could be. And you've spent so much time lately figuring out how to get to the next phase in your life... your job, our relationship... wouldn't it be nice to just skip ahead? Wouldn't it be nice to start something together where we knew we could have it all figured out?"
He began to get up from the table. "You don't need to give me an answer now. We have all month. Think it over. These people can do a lot for us... money, security, a great life... I know it must seem like a big risk, but if there was ever a sure chance for happiness for us in this world, it's this."
He leaned over and kissed me. I was still stunned. I've been stunned ever since. Every time I think about it, my stomach twists.
I've been thinking about it a lot. The truth is... he has a point. Him saying that proves he gets me, regardless of knowing the truth. I've been dissatisfied with a lot of the turns my life has taken, hit a lot of dead ends trying to make this career work and get back on a path. For a lot of that, the only thing that's kept me sane and happy has been this relationship, and a lot of "that look" has been my concern that I should be happy with things other than my relationship. And I value that so much that when I thought it was ending - first because we fought, then because of the truth - I wanted to curl up and die.
What Alex is offering is this mysterious fresh start... it's tempting. Keep him, and use this mysterious group (Pygmalion? Someone else?) for my own benefit... all while stealing or borrowing someone else's life. I would feel very guilty about that. Not everyone would be as understanding as ex-Tori about being removed from their life. I think I remember reading Fletcher saying "it's going to happen to someone anyway." If they're as influential as George says, then this decision could set me up for life.
But it's not just that. It's me. It's all the work, all the blood, sweat and tears I've put into this life for the last three years, going from a frightened little boy to a thriving, happy woman. Say something goes wrong and I become the man, and Alex the woman... would he be able to cope? Would I? I already scoffed at the idea of taking my own old life back. If I ended up that way, I might be able to adjust back, but I think I would resent Alex for taking me out of a very comfortable situation... and that's not even counting me urging him to get used to it.
In a way, it would be easier if I told him the truth about me. He'd know I know where he's coming from, and maybe we could work it out from there. I'm still undecided, though. If you were me, and you were a woman who used to be a guy... you might be reluctant to tell your boyfriend. Inn or no inn, a lot of guys can't handle that, and I don't want him looking at me and imagining Cliff. Besides, I'm worried that if I admit it to him, he'll use it as a reason why I should go along with his plan. "What's another body to you? It's not like you're really Tori."
I can't. I can't walk away from this, no matter how shitty my life sometimes feels. This isn't just a body to me, this is my life. This is home. There's nothing that's going to change that for me. I just became an aunt, and when I held that little baby girl Aurora, I felt more amazed at the world than I have in a very long time. I have a sister that I've watched grow into an amazing young lady. I have friends who, without realizing it, helped me learn to become myself. I can't leave that in the hands of another person.
And that kills me, because it means that very soon, I'm going to be on my own again.
Annnnd... I'm crying again.
It was weird the way we left it. Even though we were such an important part of each other's life for a year, suddenly he drops this bomb on me and disappears, pre-emptively ending our relationship before he was even gone. And me... god, I'm ashamed of myself. Suddenly it was like I was Cliff again, afraid to peel back the curtain and TALK to him.
Truth-telling time: When I was a guy, I ruined a few potential relationships because I was afraid to check in on somebody when things were in doubt. Things could have been salvaged. I've come to prefer being a woman partly because I'm more comfortable being pursued, and now when the chips are down, I revert back to old habits. I was a little disgusted with myself when I realized that. I spent weeks mourning a relationship that had not ended yet.
I went and saw Alex - I won't call him George because he's Alex to me. I told him to meet me at a cafe near our old workplace on his lunchbreak.
He sat down across from me. "I'm so glad you called," he said.
"I've spent a lot of time thinking about what you told me. Trying to make sense of it." I stammered for a bit, assessing the situation... letting him know my "grasp" of it based on the idea that I'd never heard of the Inn before, before finally saying "So all of this means you have to leave... you have to stop being Alex... you have to give this person back his body. But whoever you are... we've grown very close over the last year. Tell me that isn't a lie."
"It's isn't," he said firmly.
I took a deep breath, "Then I don't see why this has to be the end for us. I don't see why I can't meet the real George Mueller. Why we can't still be together."
He smiled. "Tori, I keep asking myself that same question. If I could walk out of that Inn the same old George I used to be... if I could come back to Philly and hold you in my arms I would. You're half the reason I stayed as Alex. The other half, though, is that there isn't a George Mueller to go back to. Don't ask why, it's a long story, but I've spent the last year trying to figure out how to make it work. How to keep you and give Alex back his body and find a new one for myself... and that's when I met them."
My back tensed. "Them?"
"It's sort of hard to explain, Tori... see, there's a lot of people out there who get caught up in this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, of course, but it's sort of a support group, slash... agency. They use the inn to trade bodies, to arrange for transformations. Deliberate ones, to benefit people. And they've found something for me."
At first I was thinking of Fletcher and his travelers... but that didn't sound quite right. From what I know, Fletcher and his friends just kind of float around. There's nothing deliberate about it. My teeth clenched. This was getting weird.
He went on, "They have a lot of resources, they pulled some strings... it's not important. But part of this deal means I have to take on someone else's life for a while. Again. And that's going to keep me away from you... I know you don't do well with long distance relationships but there's not much I can do. I already promised I would be out of Alex's life by the end of the summer."
I sat there quietly. All I could say was "So... it's out of your control?"
"Yes," he said. "They were pretty specific. They won't even let me tell you who I'm going to become."
"I see," I said, breathlessly.
"Unless..." he said, "You want to go with me?"
I lifted my eyes. My jaw fell open. My throat caught itself trying to say "What?" like I was a female Michael Cera.
"I know this is a long shot," he said, "Like I said, I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, but good things can come out of it, and I think maybe... if everything goes according to plan, if you take this risk with me, we can be happy together. We can make it work. I must sound so crazy right now, but I think I could convince them to give us a good start."
"It's so crazy," he went on, "And I feel like a jerk for even asking. It's just that I feel like maybe... it could be good for you. A fresh start. Sometimes I see you when you don't think I'm looking... I see this look on your face when you think about your life, and it's not all you think it could be. And you've spent so much time lately figuring out how to get to the next phase in your life... your job, our relationship... wouldn't it be nice to just skip ahead? Wouldn't it be nice to start something together where we knew we could have it all figured out?"
He began to get up from the table. "You don't need to give me an answer now. We have all month. Think it over. These people can do a lot for us... money, security, a great life... I know it must seem like a big risk, but if there was ever a sure chance for happiness for us in this world, it's this."
He leaned over and kissed me. I was still stunned. I've been stunned ever since. Every time I think about it, my stomach twists.
I've been thinking about it a lot. The truth is... he has a point. Him saying that proves he gets me, regardless of knowing the truth. I've been dissatisfied with a lot of the turns my life has taken, hit a lot of dead ends trying to make this career work and get back on a path. For a lot of that, the only thing that's kept me sane and happy has been this relationship, and a lot of "that look" has been my concern that I should be happy with things other than my relationship. And I value that so much that when I thought it was ending - first because we fought, then because of the truth - I wanted to curl up and die.
What Alex is offering is this mysterious fresh start... it's tempting. Keep him, and use this mysterious group (Pygmalion? Someone else?) for my own benefit... all while stealing or borrowing someone else's life. I would feel very guilty about that. Not everyone would be as understanding as ex-Tori about being removed from their life. I think I remember reading Fletcher saying "it's going to happen to someone anyway." If they're as influential as George says, then this decision could set me up for life.
But it's not just that. It's me. It's all the work, all the blood, sweat and tears I've put into this life for the last three years, going from a frightened little boy to a thriving, happy woman. Say something goes wrong and I become the man, and Alex the woman... would he be able to cope? Would I? I already scoffed at the idea of taking my own old life back. If I ended up that way, I might be able to adjust back, but I think I would resent Alex for taking me out of a very comfortable situation... and that's not even counting me urging him to get used to it.
In a way, it would be easier if I told him the truth about me. He'd know I know where he's coming from, and maybe we could work it out from there. I'm still undecided, though. If you were me, and you were a woman who used to be a guy... you might be reluctant to tell your boyfriend. Inn or no inn, a lot of guys can't handle that, and I don't want him looking at me and imagining Cliff. Besides, I'm worried that if I admit it to him, he'll use it as a reason why I should go along with his plan. "What's another body to you? It's not like you're really Tori."
I can't. I can't walk away from this, no matter how shitty my life sometimes feels. This isn't just a body to me, this is my life. This is home. There's nothing that's going to change that for me. I just became an aunt, and when I held that little baby girl Aurora, I felt more amazed at the world than I have in a very long time. I have a sister that I've watched grow into an amazing young lady. I have friends who, without realizing it, helped me learn to become myself. I can't leave that in the hands of another person.
And that kills me, because it means that very soon, I'm going to be on my own again.
Annnnd... I'm crying again.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Greg/Alexis: Season Finale
Life is a big, crazy roller coaster. Not like a real life roller coaster but something that you would design in Roller Coaster Tycoon and none of the park guests would ride it because it was too crazy. Full of high hills, low valleys, and turns that will leave you dizzy and with neck pain. I dont know if its true of all life or I just notice it more because I'm so used to living someone else's life. I think the fact that major events in my life(s) have been chronicled on this blog for the last few years makes it more apparent as well.
When I last posted a little over 2 weeks ago, I was in the dumps. The sting of Amber having moved on permanently focused my attention on all that the inn had taken from me. Lately though, I've begun to appreciate all the unique experiences and situations the inn has given to me.
Over the past 12 months I've gained first hand insight on being gay, being a manager, living in Vermont, as well as much more insight into being a woman. I also learned how to be whatever role it was that I filled for Malinda. At first I was trying to be her guide or mentor then it evolved into babysitter until finally it became friend, which really is what all of us need most after the trauma of becoming someone else.
I'm glad now I didn't give up on her entirely because she was there when I needed a friend, and I think she could really sympathize with what I was going through and I didn't have to pretend to be anyone else around her.
So home life turned into girls night in on the weekdays and girls night out on the weekends, where we would go out drinking. And not "lets go to the bar for a few" drinking but "hardcore sorority girl scream really loud" drinking. I'll admit that I used to think that girls like that were vapid and annoying, but it is really fun to blow off steam and just dance like crazy. Malinda was really encouraging at getting me out of my shell at first and even politely declined when guys would ask her do dance. (I didn't get many invitations, even in a fancy dress and makeup the haircut and body type are a dead giveaway).
Anyway, Saturday night we got back to our place about 2 am still a little tipsy and I'm unsure how this next part progressed. Maybe it was her subtly teasing me about her getting more attention and me responding that I'd do better at a gay bar. Maybe it was flipping channels and her idly commenting on how cute some girl on tv was. Maybe it was us debating ordering a late night pizza and commenting on how it would go to her my thighs and her butt, and then each of us commenting on how nice each of those looked. Anyway it happened, we were face to face, talking, and then we interrupted each other with a kiss.
I froze. I remembered the fallout of our last kiss and didn't want it to happen again. "I'm sorry" I stammered "I dont know what came over me. I didn't mean to--"
She responded by kissing me again. Harder, with her hand around my head and her tongue in my mouth. "Don't talk me out of this" she said with a laugh. Overcome by my dry spell and the moment I rolled with it for a few more minutes before she began stroking my leg, which caused me to stroke hers in turn. Finally she took a deep breath, looked me in the eyes and said "Upstairs"
I wasn't going to second guess her so I stood up and took her by the hand upstairs. I wanted to carry her, but even in my fit form I'm not that strong as a girl. I pushed her down on the bed and took my shoes off. I began struggling out of my dress in a pretty unsexy way before lifting Malinda up, kissing her, and saying "unzip me". She obliged and I slithered out of my club dress.
She stared at me for a moment, kneeling there in only my thong, and idly stroked my abs "You ARE fit" she said, a bit awestruck. She continued exploring like a kid in a candy store, which makes sense because I was the first naked woman she'd seen under these circumstances. Finally she started slowly kissing my neck and I stroked her back while taking in the sensations. Eventually she started playing with my breast before moving her mouth down to my nipples. Clearly she felt like taking the lead in this.
Taking the passive role I unzipped her and laid down on the bed. She kissed and explored a little while longer before taking my panties off and getting to work. I fully expected her to be clumsy at it what with her being a bit of a prude before, but she got into it. I don't know if it was the fact that was she aroused combined with her lifetime knowledge of the female anatomy but she wasn't half bad. After I felt an orgasm wash over me she looked over at me with a huge smile on her face. "Success?" she asked knowing answer.
All I did was nod, sit up, kiss her and whisper "Your turn". Now it was my turn to be awestuck. As I helped her out of her dress I got my first look at Malinda's (really Sharon's) naked body. Obviously I had checked her out and stolen glances when she wasn't looking, but this was different. It was clear that Malinda had been taking care of it. Unlike Annabelle who had a perfectly chiseled athlete's body, Sharon's is more feminine and soft, with just the right amount of curve.
I used every trick I had learned over the past year or so, almost as if I were trying to make sure she came away with a positive view of lesbian sex. Her nails digging into the sheets and screams at the end were all the assurance I needed.
I curled up next to her, still feeling the effects of alcohol but a lot less so. I put my arms around her "So?"
"So..." she giggled "Pretty cool"
We kissed a little more before falling asleep in each others arms. When we woke up I was nervous, hoping it wasn't just the alcohol. She opened her eyes and smiled at me.
"About last night" I said nervously
"No replay" she said mockingly "You've got to get to work"
"I meant...how do you feel about it"
She responded by kissing me softly "Same as last night"
"So this makes us...."
"It makes you late, and me gay. But we've got two weeks left like this so lets avoid over labeling" She then got out of bed and put her robe on to make breakfast while I got ready for work.
That was about 10 days ago, and most of the subsequent nights have been similar. I had to beg her to tell the blog about it, because while it is personal and private, its also a major development in this life.
So while we prepare for our return trip to the inn, we're living basically as wife and wife, but well aware of the temporary nature of it and she is excited to get back to her old life. Everything seems to be in place in that regard.
It feels like a mini happy ending for me, at least to this chapter. The different lives ive been in seem like movies or television seasons, and every year theres a new season or sequel. This one by far has been my favorite.
-Greg
When I last posted a little over 2 weeks ago, I was in the dumps. The sting of Amber having moved on permanently focused my attention on all that the inn had taken from me. Lately though, I've begun to appreciate all the unique experiences and situations the inn has given to me.
Over the past 12 months I've gained first hand insight on being gay, being a manager, living in Vermont, as well as much more insight into being a woman. I also learned how to be whatever role it was that I filled for Malinda. At first I was trying to be her guide or mentor then it evolved into babysitter until finally it became friend, which really is what all of us need most after the trauma of becoming someone else.
I'm glad now I didn't give up on her entirely because she was there when I needed a friend, and I think she could really sympathize with what I was going through and I didn't have to pretend to be anyone else around her.
So home life turned into girls night in on the weekdays and girls night out on the weekends, where we would go out drinking. And not "lets go to the bar for a few" drinking but "hardcore sorority girl scream really loud" drinking. I'll admit that I used to think that girls like that were vapid and annoying, but it is really fun to blow off steam and just dance like crazy. Malinda was really encouraging at getting me out of my shell at first and even politely declined when guys would ask her do dance. (I didn't get many invitations, even in a fancy dress and makeup the haircut and body type are a dead giveaway).
Anyway, Saturday night we got back to our place about 2 am still a little tipsy and I'm unsure how this next part progressed. Maybe it was her subtly teasing me about her getting more attention and me responding that I'd do better at a gay bar. Maybe it was flipping channels and her idly commenting on how cute some girl on tv was. Maybe it was us debating ordering a late night pizza and commenting on how it would go to her my thighs and her butt, and then each of us commenting on how nice each of those looked. Anyway it happened, we were face to face, talking, and then we interrupted each other with a kiss.
I froze. I remembered the fallout of our last kiss and didn't want it to happen again. "I'm sorry" I stammered "I dont know what came over me. I didn't mean to--"
She responded by kissing me again. Harder, with her hand around my head and her tongue in my mouth. "Don't talk me out of this" she said with a laugh. Overcome by my dry spell and the moment I rolled with it for a few more minutes before she began stroking my leg, which caused me to stroke hers in turn. Finally she took a deep breath, looked me in the eyes and said "Upstairs"
I wasn't going to second guess her so I stood up and took her by the hand upstairs. I wanted to carry her, but even in my fit form I'm not that strong as a girl. I pushed her down on the bed and took my shoes off. I began struggling out of my dress in a pretty unsexy way before lifting Malinda up, kissing her, and saying "unzip me". She obliged and I slithered out of my club dress.
She stared at me for a moment, kneeling there in only my thong, and idly stroked my abs "You ARE fit" she said, a bit awestruck. She continued exploring like a kid in a candy store, which makes sense because I was the first naked woman she'd seen under these circumstances. Finally she started slowly kissing my neck and I stroked her back while taking in the sensations. Eventually she started playing with my breast before moving her mouth down to my nipples. Clearly she felt like taking the lead in this.
Taking the passive role I unzipped her and laid down on the bed. She kissed and explored a little while longer before taking my panties off and getting to work. I fully expected her to be clumsy at it what with her being a bit of a prude before, but she got into it. I don't know if it was the fact that was she aroused combined with her lifetime knowledge of the female anatomy but she wasn't half bad. After I felt an orgasm wash over me she looked over at me with a huge smile on her face. "Success?" she asked knowing answer.
All I did was nod, sit up, kiss her and whisper "Your turn". Now it was my turn to be awestuck. As I helped her out of her dress I got my first look at Malinda's (really Sharon's) naked body. Obviously I had checked her out and stolen glances when she wasn't looking, but this was different. It was clear that Malinda had been taking care of it. Unlike Annabelle who had a perfectly chiseled athlete's body, Sharon's is more feminine and soft, with just the right amount of curve.
I used every trick I had learned over the past year or so, almost as if I were trying to make sure she came away with a positive view of lesbian sex. Her nails digging into the sheets and screams at the end were all the assurance I needed.
I curled up next to her, still feeling the effects of alcohol but a lot less so. I put my arms around her "So?"
"So..." she giggled "Pretty cool"
We kissed a little more before falling asleep in each others arms. When we woke up I was nervous, hoping it wasn't just the alcohol. She opened her eyes and smiled at me.
"About last night" I said nervously
"No replay" she said mockingly "You've got to get to work"
"I meant...how do you feel about it"
She responded by kissing me softly "Same as last night"
"So this makes us...."
"It makes you late, and me gay. But we've got two weeks left like this so lets avoid over labeling" She then got out of bed and put her robe on to make breakfast while I got ready for work.
That was about 10 days ago, and most of the subsequent nights have been similar. I had to beg her to tell the blog about it, because while it is personal and private, its also a major development in this life.
So while we prepare for our return trip to the inn, we're living basically as wife and wife, but well aware of the temporary nature of it and she is excited to get back to her old life. Everything seems to be in place in that regard.
It feels like a mini happy ending for me, at least to this chapter. The different lives ive been in seem like movies or television seasons, and every year theres a new season or sequel. This one by far has been my favorite.
-Greg
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Burt (Lisa): It's like walking into the middle of a movie and needing an explanation
I've been sitting here for a while trying to figure out what to say for myself. I understand there's a lot of followers out there who probably know even more about this situation than me, even though I'm living it. But it's nice to know I have someone I can talk to.
First of all, Lisa, Shaun and Zane are all really nice people, and as soon as I figured out who they all were, and who I was supposed to be, we got along pretty great. Lisa seemed exasperated at first at the idea of not getting her own body back, but she knows I didn't do this on purpose. Obviously.
In preparation for my new part (so to speak) she gave me a heartening talk about how it's not that hard to fake your way through someone else's life... the "Inn's magic" does most of the work. The real task is not to disrupt the delicate balance of another person's personal life. Fair enough, I suppose. From what I've learned the previous "Shaun and Lisa" were a married couple in their real lives and decided to carry that over to their time in these bodies. The real Shaun and Lisa are understandably not pleased about the situation that leaves them, I mean us.
That's caused a certain amount of tension for me. Our living conditions are now that of a one-bedroom apartment and let's be honest, it would probably be better to have some space and time to figure this all out for myself. Shaun's been a good sport, but I sense him gritting his teeth when trying to negotiate the morning routine.
Lisa's body... hm. I'm taking it one day at a time. I have sisters so I'm aware of the level of maintenance a female body requires. It's a good body, roughly my own age, holding up well without much "extra." Lisa is a pretty practical woman, so it's not like her wardrobe is full of oversexualized or even embarrassingly feminine attire. For comfort's sake, I've been favoring dresses and low cut tops in this summer heat. They definitely have an advantage there, and this is coming from a California guy!
I definitely feel odd getting home at night and unclasping my bra, letting "the girls" out as I prepare for bed... it feels almost naughty that I have this body to myself even though (as Lisa often points out) it's hardly in "pinup" condition. But quite frankly, it's nothing to be ashamed of, as far as women go. Good shape.
I haven't discussed my feelings about it much with Lisa, but hopefully she understands there are certain... views I'm entitled to as current tenant of her body.
Does that sound weird? I sound weird don't I. Don't mind me. I'm not here to make trouble. Really. You'll get that about me.
First of all, Lisa, Shaun and Zane are all really nice people, and as soon as I figured out who they all were, and who I was supposed to be, we got along pretty great. Lisa seemed exasperated at first at the idea of not getting her own body back, but she knows I didn't do this on purpose. Obviously.
In preparation for my new part (so to speak) she gave me a heartening talk about how it's not that hard to fake your way through someone else's life... the "Inn's magic" does most of the work. The real task is not to disrupt the delicate balance of another person's personal life. Fair enough, I suppose. From what I've learned the previous "Shaun and Lisa" were a married couple in their real lives and decided to carry that over to their time in these bodies. The real Shaun and Lisa are understandably not pleased about the situation that leaves them, I mean us.
That's caused a certain amount of tension for me. Our living conditions are now that of a one-bedroom apartment and let's be honest, it would probably be better to have some space and time to figure this all out for myself. Shaun's been a good sport, but I sense him gritting his teeth when trying to negotiate the morning routine.
Lisa's body... hm. I'm taking it one day at a time. I have sisters so I'm aware of the level of maintenance a female body requires. It's a good body, roughly my own age, holding up well without much "extra." Lisa is a pretty practical woman, so it's not like her wardrobe is full of oversexualized or even embarrassingly feminine attire. For comfort's sake, I've been favoring dresses and low cut tops in this summer heat. They definitely have an advantage there, and this is coming from a California guy!
I definitely feel odd getting home at night and unclasping my bra, letting "the girls" out as I prepare for bed... it feels almost naughty that I have this body to myself even though (as Lisa often points out) it's hardly in "pinup" condition. But quite frankly, it's nothing to be ashamed of, as far as women go. Good shape.
I haven't discussed my feelings about it much with Lisa, but hopefully she understands there are certain... views I'm entitled to as current tenant of her body.
Does that sound weird? I sound weird don't I. Don't mind me. I'm not here to make trouble. Really. You'll get that about me.
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