Friday, February 25, 2011

Bryan: Whatever happened to the teenage dream?

OK, guys, I would like to start by saying the title of this post is NOT a reference to the Katy Perry song, but to the T. Rex classic.

I haven't checked in lately. Mainly, there's nothing to report: I take pictures for a living, I sometimes get to play guitar with Todd, and I've been dating Shelby. So if you're really interested in the details of the coffee date we had last Wednesday, I'd provide them, but I'm guessing that's a bit too far off the usual subject matter of this blog.

For me, even though Connecticut is way in the past, and I sort of assume I'll never see Crystal again, I still sometimes think about it. I mean, no matter what, my time as Ellie is part of me, and I think it kinda helped me grow up, to feel like a bratty teenager. It's also kinda tempting, if and when things get bad, to think there's a place where I could go and get someone else's life for a while, if I wanted. Thinking about that mostly keeps happy where I am, since I'm well aware of the "grass is always greener" nature of the inn. I mean, for shit's sake, I was hospitalized with a panic attack because a girl broke up with me.

I think about Leanne sometimes though. Not just in a "wonder what she's up to" kinda way, but I think about my time with her. For better or worse, I've never had a relationship like I had with her. So much of my tension and frustration about being stuck in a teenage girl's body was applicable to the situation of two girls sneaking around, so she seemed to understand me better than most. Even Crystal -- we could talk about Inn stuff, but there was a whole other level separating our experiences. I never had to explain myself to Leanne.

The other night I dreamed about her. It sucks how you can't control what you dream about, so stuff you long thought you were done with bubble back to the surface of your mind. I remember her hand on my chest, her fingers teasing me, her lips touching mine, her body close to me... and for a second I forgot I was lying in bed with a really great girl.

I spent the rest of the night unable to sleep. I just laid perfectly still with my eyes clamped shut trying to get back to sleep so I could dream about anything else. I started fixating on this idea that Shelby and I could go to the Inn and no matter what happened, we'd have that in common. But I wouldn't drag anyone into this life, it would be a fucking awful thing to do.

At about 6 AM I decided I wasn't going to get back to sleep, so I did a few things: first, I scrawled down some lyrics, the second, I wrote an e-mail.

The lyrics were a rough attempt at getting my feelings on the matter out. They're not very good, but I can't just chuck them out. It's therapeutic. The main problem is, it's pretty explicitly about longing for an ex, or at least, the memory of an ex (I called it "The Memory Of You") which would be pretty awkward to play while my current girlfriend is drumming in my band. I'm still not even sure how I'm supposed to be feeling... the song is about that complication.

The e-mail was a lot easier in helping me relax. It was to Ellie, of all people. I have hardly talked to her since we got changed back, although Todd has had some contact with Anne Marie. I have no idea what she's up to, what her life's like, who her friends are now, if she dates. It seems a bit odd that I was this girl for nearly a year, and yet I thought I could just put her life back and walk away.

So I fired that e-mail off to what I think is still her address, and have yet to hear back. Maybe something will come from drudging up the past, or maybe I'm just making more trouble for myself.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Tori: I'm not so great with romance but...

He left on Sunday the 13th, so we had to figure out something Valentines-y to do before that. We decided Friday the 11th would be "our night."

He wanted to make it all about me -- flowers, chocolates, all that stuff. I told him I really wasn't in it for the Hallmark stuff. He said he had a "pretty good idea" what my gift to him was (and he wasn't wrong) so he wanted to turn up the romance in anticipation. So when I got home from my shift at the shop, he had this whole Shrimp Alfredo meal made up. I didn't even know he could cook! Mostly when he was living out of a hotel, we were going out to eat all the time. He said in had come in handy when he was a single guy, and I nearly told him I was the same way... that could've been awkward. It's so rare I even think about stuff from my old life unless I'm sitting here writing on the blog.

I led him to the bedroom and told him to get comfortable. He noticed there were candles all around, and I pointed out that yeah, while I'm not "about" the Hallmark stuff, I still like a nice mood. Maybe that's me being girly. He says it's why he likes me. I tell him to wait while I "prepare" things.

When I came back to the door, I was dressed in a tight, tight miniskirt that makes my ass look amazing, nylons, a blouse, and high heels. He's always said how much he goes for that look, and I rarely have a chance to put it on for him. He sat up when he saw how I was dressed. Then he saw what I had hidden behind me... a pair of handcuffs.

Okay, that's not the kind of thing you just spring on a guy. But one weekend while we were in New York, we went into a sex shop for a laugh, and while I was marveling at vibrators, I noticed him handling set of cuffs in a more-than-curious way. I even asked him, and he said he thought they were "neat." So I bought a pair... for a special occasion. He asked me what I was thinking. I told him he could have a choice: freedom... or chains. I don't know why, but I really thought he was going to pick freedom. Luckily, I was hoping he wouldn't.

So I cuffed him to the headboard, and slowly, slowly began to work him over. I ran my hands up his thighs. I rubbed my breasts against him. Softly ran my tongue all over him... made him watch as I slowly undressed, pulled down my stockings, unbuttoned my blouse, slipped my bra off, one strap after the other, and crawled over to him... I could tell he was suffering such intense agony, such lust, he couldn't control himself. When I decided he was finally ready, I got really busy.

It must've been painful for him. I've never been in that situation, but I can imagine what it's like to have a woman there, teasing you, working over every inch of your body, when all you want to do is get inside and fuck her-- and honestly, it was hard to restrain myself from just climbing on and rocking him senseless, but I needed to go slow. I needed to take every second I could with him because it might be a while before we get to go again. So I felt every inch of his skin, rubbed every muscle he had, made him moan and groan and beg me for mercy. I made him watch while I touched myself, warmed my body up for him, and then finally, after I felt I could do no more... I was ready to get started.

Given the circumstances, I guess I can't blame him for not lasting very long. He's usually pretty good but I'd be lying if I said he was an hour-long type of guy. He's usually only good for a good ten, fifteen minutes tops. Here, with all the extra stuff, by the time we got to the nitty gritty, he was about ready to explode anyway. Maybe I was expecting too much; I know how little control guys have over their stuff, but, I don't know, maybe I had mentally convinced myself he could tough it out.

Anyway, it was good. I know we both enjoyed it. But he was real quiet afterward, like, I guess he didn't like the handcuffs so much after all, or I had overdone it with the pregame. He wouldn't talk to me about it. Men can be so tough when something's bothering them. The few women I ever dated were always very open -- perhaps too much so. I just want a happy medium. Ultimately, it was a pretty awkward way for us to leave off. We've talked a bunch since he got to Texas, but he hasn't mentioned it, so I guess the topic is dead.

Anyway, he's gone now, so that leaves me alone for my day to day life. Days I'm in class, evenings I work at the shop selling skirts and tops and panties and whatnot. Pretending I know how to offer fashion advice. I'll tell you more about that later. Raine and I are gonna go watch Life As We Know It and make fun of it.

Just another Saturday night, I suppose...

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Tori: Love sucks

I'm sorry, but it does, at least for me. I mean, I guess I officially qualify. Whenever I'm with Buddy, I get nervous but in a good way, I get excited when I know I'm going to hang out with him, we get so comfortable together... it's a whole butterflies thing. Sheesh, a while back I didn't think anyone could make me feel this way, let alone a guy.

But it sucks. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks so much because even though I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him, I know we have problems and part of me is really scared it's not going to work out. But I guess that's part of being in a real relationship, is that if you care for somebody, you make it work.

A while ago, I made the mistake of telling him about Leo, the guy I was, um, screwing up until I started seeing him. I maybe didn't "break it off" immediately after Buddy and I started dating, but to me, the whole fling was over as soon as Buddy and I became an item.

It started because we were talking about personal issues, and how he wondered why I seemed to be in such a bad mood on New Year's. I decided it wouldn't hurt to tell him I'd been in a fistfight with Cyndi the night before, and eventually wound up spilling my guts that Leo was at the heart of it. The truth is, Leo and Cyndi had gotten back together so close to me and Leo ending it, I'm still not sure they didn't resume dating while Leo and I were going on. And here I was, thinking telling Buddy this made me look like the good guy.

Well, as he tends to do, he made it about himself. The entire time he'd known me I'd been sheepish about the sex thing, which is why we didn't end up dating right away. So I pushed him away (well, also because I thought I might be getting my male body back, but... yeah.) But, in Buddy's eyes, the second he left town I was all over Leo in this "purely physical" thing that I had passed him over on.

I called BS on that, because it was mainly a timing thing: he left town, I was feeling shitty, never sure if I'd see him again, and Leo was in the right place at the right time. He called BS on "timing" because it was apparently all up to me whether or not we could have dated, all summer. I told him I wasn't ready, he asked what changed, and I said I didn't know, but it was all in the past.

He spent that night at his sister's. I spent it crying on the couch eating comfort food with Raine.

But I guess the reason why the two of us work is that we're capable of putting this sort of thing behind us and getting back to our normal routine. He apologized, I apologized, we both apologized for apologizing so much and for a few weeks things went back to normal.

And God, what a great two weeks that was. I don't work a ton and he's not going to Texas yet, so we spend a lot of our time fooling around in bed, or trying to cook for each other, or going out for walks in the snow... I mean, this is great, this is the kind of relationship I always wanted (albeit I didn't always want to be the one with the... uh, yeah.)

It's just sucky that it has to be complicated. You can love someone, obviously, but that's not automatically going to make them into who you want them to be. You'll both still have difficulties and insecurities to overcome and it isn't as easy as you want it... but if you can't stand the thought of being without that person, well, yeah, I think that's love.

One last thing that sucks: he's going away soon. As in... before Valentines Day. And damnit, I wanted my first Valentine in a real relationship in years (and first as a girl, natch) to be worth writing about.

Oh well... guess we'll have to do something super-sexy on the 11th...

Friday, February 04, 2011

Max: Moving ahead

I guess I'm a bit lazy when it comes to writing my story out here. It's not that I don't have the time, but as we get further and further from the starting point, the story seems to change. But let's jump forward a bit.

All through the winter, it got colder and we all got a bit closer. Melanie continued to mesmerize me with her attitude. From everything I know about men, about people... about this blog, a man who's been transformed into a woman should not take it so... well. I don't mean she was out in skimpy outfits clubbing and hitting on dudes, I just mean, to watch her, to see her walking around and dressing herself, and speaking for herself, you'd never guess anything was amiss with her. Nothing seems to bother her. Hell, she even kept up with her homework. I found this confidence in the face of life-altering trauma... fascinating, and yeah, really kind of attractive.

Tanya, on the other hand... did not keep up so well. From the beginning, she took the change very hard. She's a very controlling woman in a situation where she has to play by someone else's rules (or the Inn's, or whatever.) Plus, it's become increasingly apparent she has some real body image issues... I don't think she's taken it well that Melanie is the "thin, modestly-curvy" sister and she's the, well... "big" one. I wouldn't say she's fat, but she has a noticeably fuller figure. And maybe, yeah... she's a bit overweight.

I guess around late fall, the cracks in their "relationship," such as it was, really started to become visible to her. It's not like they could present themselves as a couple out in the world, but Melanie was, I later learned, no longer willing to even pretend they were "together" in any sense. From my room beneath them, I could hear arguments.

Tanya: Where is this all coming from? You can't deny we had something! You can't pretend this never happened!

Melanie: I wouldn't! I wouldn't pretend it never happened, Tanya--

Tanya: Don't call me that, you know that's not my name--!

Melanie: It is! While we're here, it is, and I can't switch back and forth like that. Max knows exactly what I mean--

Tanya: Shut the fuck up! This is all so convenient for you, isn't it? You pretended like everything was fine but suddenly we get here and you--

Melanie: I "what?"

Tanya: Now you want to play girl, and dress cute and date boys...

My ears perked up. But it got quiet, and after a few minutes I heard the door slam and footsteps toward the door. I wondered which one was coming. Of course, it was Mel.

"Hey," she said. She had streaks of tears down her eyes and her arms folded across her body for warmth. "How much of that did you hear?"

"A lot. What was it about?"

She sat down on my couch-bed. "Who knows? I may be a woman, but that doesn't mean I've got them figured out."

I snickered, "Join the club." Mel was unamused.

"I guess," she said, "That was our breakup. Officially. I mean, we've been broken up for a long while now, but I just had to break the chain, just finally get it out there."

"So it's over? I mean, what if you guys go back, and..."

I trailed off and she picked up my meaning, "Even if we go back, even if we get where we belong, it won't fix things. I've seen a side of her, and she's seen a side of me, we're just... we don't belong together anymore, no matter who we are."

"Well that's unfortunate."

"It's okay. She's just mad she's not in control anymore. And she hasn't gotten laid in a while."

I wanted to laugh at it, it was intended to be a joke, but maybe there was some serious to it. Sex can be a real stress reliever, and some women don't handle dryspells as well as they'd like to. It's not like sitcoms, you know. And seeing her now-ex happy and confident and uninterested in her body must've really stung. Like, I get it. I've got my own crap to worry about, but I get it.

I just wanted to know if this meant there was room for me in Melanie's life.

Weeks passed. Things were tense. Tanya, like Melanie, began venting to me and I got to know her a bit better, but she remained guarded. She would repeat her claims that Melanie was clearly eager to start "playing girlfriend," for some male, but Mel insisted Tanya was way off base. As I was kind of into Melanie, I found this a bit hard to deal with, because if it was true, it gave me hope, but I definitely didn't want to push her before she was ready.

It was around early December that I "manned up" and put it on the line.

Mel and I had been seeing a lot of each other, spending time together outside the house, and I guess I began to take it as a sign she was ready for something. Progressively over the early weeks of winter, she got more and more familiar with me.

We were out at dinner one night and I just... came out with it. "Melanie... do you see me as a boyfriend?"


"I mean, we hang out a lot. You don't socialize with many people other than me. We talk about everything. Am I, like, a boyfriend substitute for you?"

She hesitated for a long while before saying "Is that something... you'd want?"

I played coy. "Maybe... I mean, we seem to have some chemistry."

"Chemistry?" she balked, "I don't really think so. I mean, you're a great person, guy or girl, but... I mean, I don't see you that way. No offense. I mean, you know I'm not trying to date or anything, right?"


"I've been in relationships for so much of my adult life, I don't know... I like not being with anybody. If anything, I see you as a way to protect against that-- Oh God, that came out wrong. It's just... it's not sexual, this thing. I'm not a sexual person, I don't think. It's a friendship, you know? It's companionship. But it's not... I don't want to put a label on it or... yeah."

I was stunned, heartbroken. She could tell I had been hurt and from then on has been a bit more distant from me. I tried not to let it show, but... I don't know. I guess I never really "confessed" my feelings, but it's clear she now knows what I was thinking.