Saturday, April 21, 2012

Tori: Visit Part 2

On Saturday, Karen/Tori proposed taking me on a walking tour of Philly. I said I've lived here for almost three years, I know a bit about Philly, and she said "Yeah, but you never had someone walk you around it who really knew it." I had to admit, there was a point, and I later figured out it was as much for her, so she could reminisce. We walked by some of her old favorite bars, high school hangouts, the hairdresser where she used to work, restaurants she liked. Suddenyl she was putting stories and meanigns behind all these places that I had passed by and never thought about. By the end, she was getting a bit quiet. It was the introduction to "Tori" I never got, a few years too late. Who knows what my life might've been like if I had her holding my hand through those early days. I can only imagine how it would've looked, if I had her to teach me to be Tori, instead of trying to learn to be myself.

That night, Alex and I were going to dinner at my parents -- her parents. Of course I invited her along, and she seemed excited, but at the last minute, she decided to stay in. "I didn't plan on seeing them... I think it would be too much." Okay, I said, but this might be the only chance she has to see the people that raised her. It didn't seem to matter to her.

After dinner, Alex was driving me home. "Maybe you should go back to your place tonight," I said in a moment of remarkable foresight. "Karen and I are probably going to have to talk about stuff."

"Wouldn't you want me there for backup?"

"It's girl stuff sweetie," I said, kissing him. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I went upstairs to find... and empty apartment. I had a text on my phone saying "Hey Cliff, went to the club, join us when ur done bein lame!!!" I resented her using my old name, so I waited up a while. I was stewing in my anger so much I needed to shower to cool down.

Karen came in alone, obviously still drunk. "Hey, why didn't you come? You would've loved it. Guys everywhere."

"I have a boyfriend," I said bitterly.


"Where's Raine?"

"She went on a booty call. Same old Raine. Not like everything else around here... what the hell are you doing with my life?"

"Excuse me?"

"I was so hot! I had so much going on, and now look at you... what do you weigh, 160?"

"140, at the most! God! Tori, you're a superficial bitch!"

"Oh really, Cliff? Look who's using my sexy body to bang nerdy boys because she's afraid she can't do better. You fucking... tomboy lesbian slut hag! I bet when you had a cock, you always wanted to trade it in. How do you think your boyfriend would feel if he knew you used to have a dick?"

I felt my fist clench. I've hit a girl before. I nearly did it again. Instead, I just looked her in the eye, and I did something much worse.

I told her, "Your family loves me."

She sneered, "They don't know you."

"Yeah," I said, "They do. I lived with them for a year. At first I was trying to be you, and tiptoed around and never talked to them, but I gave up on that and I just decided to do everything the way I would, if I was... if I was a girl. And you know what they tell me? Tori, you've really grown up. You've become such an amazing person."

I regretted it as soon as it was out of my mouth. It was over the line. I could call her a bitch or a slut and she would shrug it off, but I took it even further. I had a right to be mad. She was talking shit about how I would never be a real girl and how I wasn't a man either, and I... I needed to grab onto one thing I knew I had better than her, something I had done right since being Tori. Instead of explaining to her that it didn't matter I used to be a guy, I fought back, and it didn't feel good.

She sunk down to the couch, bawling with tears. After all these years, I'm still not comfortable around crying women, even though I've been one myself. All I could do was watch for a while, before snapping out of it, "Oh God, oh God I'm so sorry, oh Jesus... I didn't mean that, I didn't mean to say it..." completely forgetting the awful stuff she had just said to me.

As she cried, I continued talking. "Tori, I know for you, being a girl is all about looks and guys, but for me, this is something else. I don't care about my weight or make-up so long as the person I love loves me back. And I know people don't always get along with their parents... my dad practically hated me because I was into computers instead of football. My brother served in Iraq, I couldn't compare. I wanted your parents to like me so much... but more importantly, I wanted to be someone I liked being. And that's why they like... uh, why they think that about me. They can see I'm happy."

She sat up. Tears were still in her eyes, but she wiped them away. "I think I get it. I was a screw up, Cliff. I was an unemployed hairdresser who moved back home and dated older men. They loved me... they were annoying, but they loved me. I just wish I had that back, because I don't even know Karen's parents. There's nobody around to see that I've got my life together now. I wanted to go to dinner with them... but I got the call today. I didn't get the job. I'm still just a fill-in reporter."

I felt a bit more comfortable sitting next to her. I rubbed her back and she rested her head on my shoulder. "Hey," I laughed, "I'm unemployed. I'm still a screw up. I wish I could bring you to your parents and tell them to be proud of you... but you know they would be, okay? You're doing great."

"Uh huh," she sniffled.

I feel like Karen's my sister. We don't really see eye to eye, but we share something personal, something that we can never get rid of, no matter how we feel, no matter how crazy we get. The last thing I said to her that night was "By the way... never call me Cliff again, okay? I'm really not him."

She looked at me, and nodded "I think I understand... You're Tori."

She threw her arms around me and we got cleaned up and went to our respective beds. It was more complicated than that... it was a long, emotional, drunken conversation that didn't happen exactly as I've written it, but I've given you the gist of what we discussed. I think we reached an understanding.

I went to bed trying to grasp what I had actually just said: "I'm not Cliff." As much as I want that to be true, I still have almost 30 years in my head of answering to that name. And they weren't all bad. I think I stay on this blog because if I don't, all my memories of being him will just sit gathering dust. They're not useful to me anymore, but I can't get rid of them. I can't clear out my cache so that only the last 3 years remain. I can't talk to anyone around me about my old life... even when I can, I don't want to, exactly because I worry about trying to connect those old memories with this new life. So I want to thank you, strangers on the internet... for letting me remember, but also keep those memories distant.

Alex and I drove Karen to the airport the next morning. I walked with her through the airport. The last thing she said was "It might be a good thing I'm staying in Louisville. There's a really cute guy who's been trying to get my attention."

"I thought you were dating around?"

"He's special. I stayed away because he's the kind of guy you get serious about. And I was scared to try, because I thought I might be moving back here. But I see you and Alex together... hell, I heard you together... it makes me want that."

I hugged her goodbye and stayed to watch her plane take off. When Alex and I started to drive off, he asked me what I wanted to do for lunch.

I smiled and felt the skin on my midsection. "I wanna find the best cheeseburger in Philly."

Alex grinned a big goofy smile "That's why I love you."

I gave him a good long kiss and said "That's why I love me too."

Monday, April 16, 2012

Tori: A visit... From Tori pt1

So. Since losing my job I've sent out my resume to nearly a dozen businesses I'd be suited for, most of which aren't hiring right now, but will be "happy" to keep me on file. Fine, I get it, the marketplace is tough. I'm trying not to get discouraged, but it's looking like I'll have to broaden my search, maybe even go back to retail or (please no) waitressing just to make a buck. It gives me a headache to even think about. And that's not the only thing that gave me a headache this weekend.

Around the time I found out I was getting fired, I got an email from the real Tori. Since Willie had contacted me a few months ago, I thought the two were somehow connected, but that's not the case. Tori, as you might remember, became Karen Costas, an intern and aspiring weathergirl at a local Louisville network affiliate. We hadn't spoken seriously since she gave me her permission to stay in her body... which was a weird conversation. I mean, I just read the post I wrote about it back in the day. I remember crying my eyes out, I remember being mad... but when I had all the words put out in front of me, it seems really stupid that I got mad at her. I lashed out because I needed a target. And for years since, I avoided her because I was worried about bad blood, but there really was no wrongdoing. We got in a bad situation, and honestly, she was very accommodating. But I felt sensitive, and being perfectly happy to stay where she was just hit me wrong. I don't know. Nobody said being a girl had to make sense. I still don't get "us," years later.

So I was suspicious and confused when she e-mailed me, out of the blue, like we were always buddies, asking to stay with me for a weekend in April. See, Tori -- KAREN -- had really gotten into this TV career path, but there was only so much she could do in Kentucky. Fortunately, as a "southern beauty with a northern accent" (as she put it,) she had a lot of interest in her demo reel, so when she was called up for a potential job offer in Philly, she was excited to work close to her roots.

I... hated this idea. I've gotten very used to my life, and for some reason, having the former inhabitant of this body around the judge what I'm doing with it doesn't sound good. Ever since Alia left, nobody in a hundred miles knows I used to be a guy, and I like it that way. I was worried that having her around might set me back somehow to "Cliff" mode, and then... I don't know. Some days I still have to remind myself that I came to terms with the transformation years ago. I know I seem really confident, but doubts creep in. I just have to remind myself how nice my life is.

Still, I couldn't exactly turn Karen down when she asked to stay. It was the least I could do, and I let myself think it could just be a fun visit.

She got into town on Friday morning. After Raine left for work, I had her come by to drop off her stuff. Now, I wasn't trying to sneak her in - I told Raine we'd be having a guest - but I guess I wasn't comfy "introducing them" yet. I wanted a chance to confer with Karen "out of character."

When she arrived, the first thing she did upon seeing me was squeal "Holy crap, you're a blonde!" I blushed. She was enthusiastic, as she never thought "she" could pull it off. I even ended up getting my roots touched up when I found out she was coming. She had a few comments about the place, how it seemed kind of cramped and a bit of a mess. I pointed out when I became Tori, she was living with her parents and her room was a disaster, and she just smiled and said "touche."

I remembered thinking she was attractive when I last met her. Now I think she's gorgeous, which is weird... I would've thought my opinion would be more neutral over time, not less, but I was really impressed by her appearance. I think at that time I was tired of even looking at other women, and now I sort of appreciate what women do with their bodies, respect how much upkeep a look like that requires. No doubt, with my body, I could be gorgeous every day of the week, but I tend to dress down because it suits my personality. Also, she's just a force... being around TV people seems to have influenced her entire personality: she's all energy, she talks excitedly, and enunciates.

She was thrilled to be "back home," talking about how it was bringing back memories. I told her how I've been back to Buffalo a few times since I was Cliff, and when I got there it was like I never left. What I didn't mention was how strange it is walking around your childhood hometown with a different set of parts.

"Okay tell me," she said, "Are you really dating a guy?"

"Uh, yep," I said, a bit taken aback. "He's, like, a real guy and everything."

"That's crazy!" She punched my arm. "Oh my God! Like, the last time I saw you, you were what, still pretty much a guy in your head, right? I remember you were still a bit weird on the whole girl thing. Bet you never thought you'd turn out like this."

I expected this sort of talk, but I still wasn't sure what to say. I just kinda laughed it off, "Well, after a while it seemed like a good idea. Better than being alone."

"Was it weird, looking at a guy like that?"

"The weirdest thing in my life was looking in the mirror and seeing this. After that happened... nothing seems off-limits, you know?" She nodded, although I think she's still pretty hung up on the idea of me, the ex-guy, being as committed to dating a man as her, the "natural"-girl. I have to say, no matter how comfortable I am, I'm still way better at it than I was at dating girls.

I turned the conversation around and asked her about Gary. When she first became Karen, she was with Rob, but Rob went back and I never heard the end of the story. He and I have never spoken. I think maybe he's weirded out by me, and I don't mind avoiding him.

She kind of glossed over it. "After Rob went back, this chick became Gary, and she wasn't into the fake marriage thing... I tried to explain it was a good deal, but whatever, he was a bitch inside. We got a divorce - Gary and Karen had a prenup so it was no big deal. But that meant goodbye to the fabulous lifestyle, hence looking for new work. Last I heard he was dating some woman."

"Oh that sucks, I'm sorry to hear that."

"I've dated around a bit, but nobody I wanted to stay with, y'know? Too many awesome guys out there to stop looking and settle down."

I wanted to argue a bit, since I've been with Alex nearly a year now, there's something to be said for stability. But I guess when you grow up being Tori, you might take for granted that someone's always going to want you, so you can treat your boyfriends like disposable accessories. I, on the other hand, was alone for so long... well let's just say I'm glad I found Alex. Tori and I just have very different takes on dating, probably because she grew up looking like she did, and I grew up looking like I did.

I let her have the run of the apartment while I ran some errands. When I came back, she was in my room, going through my clothes, with several combinations laid out. She had looked over everything, from sundresses, miniskirts and blouses, to jeans and geek tees. I wouldn't call myself a neat freak, but I was kind of unnerved by it. But you want to be careful about saying "invasion of privacy" to someone who used to live in your body, so I kept quiet.

"Wow," she said, "You've bought so much stuff since I left."

"Well," I kind of blushed, "I did work at a garment store for a while, and I had to take advantage of the discount."

"Yeah, is that where you got all that lingerie?" she said with a wicked smile. I told her after spending most of my life as a guy, it was a treat to get to see a girl dressed like that. Even if it meant squeezing myself into a corset because I went through a Victorian phase when I was 15.

It was embarrassing that she saw all the frilly underwear I own, because I think she was probably trying to imagine me as a guy secretly wanting to wear all this stuff. It was another thing when she added "Yeah, plus I bet a lot of my old clothes don't fit you anymore."

Okay, reality check. I've put on, depending on the time of month, 10-20 pounds since I was her. I don't eat like I did when I was a guy, but I also probably don't eat like she did. A lot of her old clothes actually do fit me, but I don't wear them because I never felt comfortable in them, and as time went on, more and more of my clothes became stuff I picked for myself. Last time I checked, I really like the way I look.

I don't know why it bothered me. I didn't say anything about it at the time, but I really should have. Later that night, after her audition, we all had pizza - her, me, Raine and Alex, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I ate less than I usually would.

I filled the questions about how we met by vaguely stating it was on vacation a couple years ago. Karen grilled Alex, asking him questions about how we met, why he liked me. He seemed put off by this strange woman interrogating him, and I tried to intervene, but she was pretty forceful. Raine told me later she really didn't like Karen, which amused me. Beyond that, she talked about herself a lot, like she was trying to impress Alex. And being on TV, traveling, and doing the odd press junket is fairly impressive, but Alex, thankfully, seemed hardly won-over.

After we set Karen up with some blankets on the couch, she took another little dig at my appearance: "Don't you use moisturizer? You're going to look tired in the morning."

I laughed a bit and said "I'm going to BE tired in the morning."

I crawled into bed with Alex. He wrapped his arms around me and started kissing me. I needed to feel better after some of Karen's comments, but I felt embarrassed if we started to get hot and heavy, so I whispered to him "Can we be quiet tonight?"

"We can try," he said, slipping his boxers down to his ankles. And that really was the plan, but I think all that criticism had made my lady parts extra sensitive, because the moment we got started I let out a high-pitched squeal. And the more I tried to suppress it, the louder I wanted to scream. I ended up with one of the top five female orgasms of my life, and I don't even always get them. "Keeping quiet" obviously meant trying to go slow, which I definitely... appreciated. Except it it clearly didn't work, and before long I could feel my body urging him to go faster until we were going at it like careless teenagers. The next morning, when I came out for breakfast, she (already dressed and made-up) said "Sounds like you a hell of a time last night."

Instead of letting her tease me, I joked "This body has a lot of allergies. I was sneezing all night."

She laughed, "I wish my sneezes felt like that!" She then came closer and said "Hey, you wanna hear something weird? Raine's having a secret affair. I heard them phone-fucking last night."

"Yeah," I said, "I've heard her sneak someone out a few times, but if she doesn't want me to meet him I won't ask."

"It was so annoying. I was trying to get to sleep, and all I could hear was Danny, Danny! And then you two..."

"Huh, the guy's name is Danny?" I didn't mention the only Danny I knew of was the gay one, from Tori's old high school. She might not want me to mention him, given some of the stuff she wrote about him in her diaries, and how he just drops out of it after he came out, it might be a sore spot. Besides, there's plenty of Dannys in the world, right?

Sorry this is taking me so long to write... I'll finish it up later!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Greg/Alexis: Hitting the Road

When you consider my past experiences with making things public on this blog, such as it leading to my original body being stolen, you'd think I'd be smart enough not to post about something like an affair I was having like I did last week.

I knew that people who knew me in real life read this blog, all of them having been to the inn before since those of you that have never been there still think that it's some sort of elaborate work of fiction put on by brilliant writers.

Anyway I knew that the Real Sharon and Alex read the blog, so it wasnt a shock that they found out. They were going to find out anyway, this was actually easier than a weird phone call from me in the summer or even worse a really weird convo with Annabelle so I actually might have done myself a favor, however it sure doesnt feel that way after the phone calls I got yesterday.

They were clearly upset because they called me at work, meaning they wanted to yell at me right then and there and didnt care that anyone would wonder why these random people were calling Alex.

The first one to call me was Sharon, and she was practically in tears. Which sounds funny coming from her deep male voice. She launched into this rant about how she thought I was better than this and how I betrayed her. I tried to explain that I wasn't married to her or her body and that I'd actually done a lot more to preserve her life than most people had but she would have none of it. She hung up and I tried to get back to work despite being a little bit rattled.

A couple hours later I got a phone call from the real Alex. She hadn't read the blog post until Sharon had called her and ratted me out. Alex was always more logical than emotional in my experience, so she kept her calm, but was still pretty scathing. The first thing she said was "How dare you"

I tried to appeal to her knowledge of this body, and how I needed attention and wasn't getting it at home.

"That doesn't give you the right to jeopardize my marriage"

"It's only a marriage on paper" I explained "Malinda is not Sharon, and she doesnt even think we should be allowed to be married. In fact, your marriage seems to be doing pretty well considering youve hooked up in your current bodies. What kind of risk to you think that puts to Selena Bookman's marriage. How do you think Mr. Bookman would react to finding out his wife has been sleeping with a trucker?"

She was silent for a moment. I had struck a nerve. She finally came back with "Yes, but Sharon is my real life wife...Annabelle is a third party who think youre me, and is going to think we had an affair for the rest of her life."

She had me there. Not only is Annabelle unknowing of who I really am, she's thinks I'm her close friend. I put a whole new level of awkwardness into that relationship.

"I'm sorry" i said weakly.

"Break it off, and be nice" She said firmly before hanging up.

She was right, even though I didnt like it. Annabelle was one of the more enjoyable things in my life in a long time, but this wasn't going to be life life for much longer so I was going to have to end it. Knowing I was going to have to let my paramour down soured the rest of the day and I left early.

I went home and poured myself a glass of whiskey and was going to take a bubble bath when Malinda ambushed me. Literally, she pushed me. This is the second time she's gotten physical but I resisted the urge to karate chop her and just said "What the hell?"

"What the hell yourself" She spat back "Couldnt keep your hands on yourself so you have to go have an affair? Do you have any idea how this makes me look?"

I stared at her jaw dropped. "Since when do you care about any of this? Nobody cares how you look because nobody knows except me and Annabelle. And you were the one who cheated first. Remember that guy you took upstairs."

"I didn't do anything" she said defensively

"Because youre gay" I said. I knew that would make her mad but she deserved it. After spending the day being judged the last thing I needed was for this woman to all of a sudden act like she cared about this sham of a marriage. I stormed upstairs.

After thinking for a minute and finishing my drink...I started packing. I called off Friday as well as Monday and Tuesday and got in the Range Rover and started driving.

I'm on my laptop at a Holiday Inn in Bangor, Maine. No i am not going to Old Orchard beach, that's farther south.

I've got someone I need to talk find direction.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Tori: Space and Time

It's been a bittersweet couple of weeks, ever since I found out I was getting laid off. I was hoping to find a different position in the newly-merged company but the boss couldn't find anything for me. There were also a few other layoffs in other departments as the new owners merge duties. Alex, luckily, is safe.

I've been furiously applying to every job I can that I think I might be qualified for. IT, Systems, Data Entry... even a few secretarial jobs. Nothing so far. I don't like the idea of being without money. I've saved up a lot, but I still have rent and groceries and cost of living, even if having a boyfriend does give you a bit of leeway, I don't want to be dependent on him. If I'd known I was gonna be out of work, I might've reconsidered a few of my recent expenditures.

Back in February, I dyed my hair. I was Supergirl for Halloween, and completed the outfit with a blonde wig. Alex said he really liked the look, and the idea kinda took root (so to speak.) Every so often I'd pull the wig out just for him and then I'd think "I do look good with light hair... why not?" It's my body, I can make this sort of decision. Girls do it all the time. It's like if I was a guy and I decided to grow out a beard. Hardly irreversible.

Expensive, though. Since I'm naturally dark-haired, I went to a salon and paid a pretty good sum. The results were worth it, though. People who've known me "my whole life" were shocked by the new look, in a good way. I've always felt good about my looks as Tori, but suddenly I was a new woman, with a new confidence.

Only now, sadly, my roots have been growing in and if I want them done I'll have to do it myself. Which is funny because theoretically, Tori is a trained hairstylist but I am really not comfortable taking this into my own hands.

Which leads me to my next point, which was brought up in a comment on my last post. One of you fine Anons mentioned it was maybe time to start thinking about moving in with Alex. I had kept it pushed out of my mind for a long while, because we were already co-workers. Moving in together would mean that literally my entire life would be based around him. And I love him, and I still get butterflies when I look in his eyes or hold his hand, but I worry what it means to put your entire life in someone's hands. It's not like I think we're ever going to break up, but as much as I love him basing my entire life around my relationship has never been my style... until now.

I like having my own place. I like having somewhere I can get away and just hang out with my best friend, and where my boyfriend is still just a visitor. The past few years were such a string of changes that I wasn't even thinking of boxing my life back up and moving again.

It's making more and more sense. Now that we won't be carpooling, we're probably going to be spending more and more time at his house or mine. I'm feeling less like I have secrets I need to protect, not just about my past but about who I have become, the girl he's dating. He's seen pretty much the whole show. He's laughed at my lame jokes, put up with the way I sprawl out on the bed sometimes, even seen me without shaving my armpits. Why do I need my own room?

It's getting harder to answer that question. I don't think I'm there yet. Last week I had a late night chat with Raine about it. She was letting her "visitor" out, and I decided to get some water, so we ended up talking for like an hour. I asked her how she would feel if I did decide to move out.

She said she'd deal, but I could tell she was a bit disappointed. With Sara getting married this fall, and me in the best relationship of my/Tori's life, she's maybe feeling like her life is stalled.

I tell her not to worry. I can hear her sneaking the same guy in and out a few times a week. It's weird to me, though, because she's really never been shy about her hookups before. All she tells me about him is that I probably shouldn't ask, but there's not really a future. I wonder if that means he's married, or has some other defect. I choose not to push for further info.

In time, I think, I'll be ready to make the leap and move in with Alex. The nice thing about getting younger -- hey, I'm only 25! -- is that I feel like I have all the time in the world to make this work. I want to be sure that, if I do, it's because I feel it's the right time, not because I want to save money.

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Greg/Alexis: Hmm...Annabelle

So I spent pretty much the entire month of March without a home computer. Our home internet went out and rather than restore it the company decided that we had to upgrade, but upgrading took about 10 days while they restored the line. Despite living in the biggest city in VT, our broadband is pretty inferior. I had better internet in Mississippi (mostly because I was right next to a college), but I also had stretch marks in Mississippi, so its a fair trade.

And right after the internet was restored my tower started overheating. Apparently the CPU needed a new radiator, at least it looked like a radiator. The irony of this situation is that I get paid pretty good money to fix computer issues, and I was pretty helpless. It's not like I could take this to my employees and have them think their boss was an idiot, so I had to very silently pay someone out of town to fix it.

And since blogging on a touchscreen impossible and I dont dare log into this blog at work, that kept me from the Trading Post Inn blog. Or at least that's what I told myself. Maybe I was avoiding writing while I wrestled with what else was going on in my life.

So after my last post, one of the commenters posted "Hmmm, Annabelle" and that pretty much summed up the way I had been thinking. Heck, it's probably why I wrote that post. It was pretty clear to me that there was sexual tension being created, but I wasnt sure how far it went or how I was going to respond to it.

The answer to the first question came in the first week of March. I was over at her apartment watching a movie on the couch with her when our knees accidentally touched. Normally when that happens you move your knee, but I just let it linger there,and so did she.

Ok, So I know this next part is pretty high schooly, but the movie became a game of "who can touch the other one more without them saying anything or moving" and I would say we both won, because by the time the movie was over we were pretty much cuddling.

We started talking, rather whispering to each other, while we looked in each others eyes. I forget the exact exchange but I said something along the lines of not having a chance at something at which point she straddled me, looked me straight in the eyes and said: "If you need it, nows your chance to take it"

I'd be lying if I said I acted in the moment, because the truth is I had been thinking about this for weeks. I have needs, and theres only so much a toy can do. I had been a lesbian for 7 months and still hadnt had sex. I felt like I owed it to my 15 year old self to at least try it. I'd be crazy not to, right? When does anyone ever get that chance?

I leaned up and kissed her. Long and deep with tongue. She smiled and said "Finally" before taking me by the hand and leading her upstairs to the bedroom. We undressed each other slowly, admiring each others bodies. Annabelle doesnt have a traditionally attractive female body, but she's an amazing combination of curve and muscle. Plus she has ENORMOUS nipples. When we were naked I was kneeling on the bed and she came up to me and said "I've been wanting to do this since college" before pushing me onto the bed and kissing my neck, and then moving down to my shoulder, then down to my nipples and then....down.

A bit of info for all you non lesbians out there: It's NOTHING like you see in porno movies. Those are actresses doing what looks hot to a primarily straight male audience. In real life it's a lot less theatrics.

Not like I had my eyes open much. I spent most of the time writhing on the bed while Annabelle went down on me. She's a fucking expert. Not just of what to do but how to do it. It was a perfect combination of speed and rhythm and pressure. After my 3rd orgasm she came up and kissed me, smiling. Perfectly aware of what she just did to me. It was kinda of intimidating because I was a bit nervous as she lied down next to me and guided my hand to her pussy.

I've been with women before, albeit none in almost 3 years, but I've also owned various vaginas over that time period so I probably know more than most men about how to pleasure a woman, but I wasnt even on the same level as she was. Still, with some helpful guidance I managed to get her off.

While we got under the covers and cuddled ourselves to sleep she held me tight and whispered. "Never thought you'd be the submissive type, Barco"

"Neither did I" I whispered back with a giggle.

When I woke up the next morning I wasnt overcome with any guilt, shame, or regret. In fact I was glad I did it and I wish I had done it sooner. I gave her a good morning kiss and then went to work. It was the best encounter I've had since I became a woman, I loved it. Annabelle mustve loved it too because since then I've slept over there at least a couple of nights a week.

It's really had a positive effect on me. Most of my last 3 years have been doing things to not screw up. This I did for me. Because I wanted to experience it. Being around her makes me relaxed and happy and it makes up for the real sourpuss I had to live with for the first 6 months in this body. Being in a loveless marriage really made me miss human affection, and now I'm getting it.

Sharon and Alex are still going to be married when they get back here, and I'm still legally bound to Malinda in Sharon's body. But right now I'm going to enjoy myself and have a girlfriend...even if the only people I can tell about her are you guys.


Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Anthony/CeeCee: This isn't a game

I was livid when I found out Zane was pursuing this arrangement with Wes. I think it's irresponsible and immature.

Let's start with the alcohol, which she shouldn't be mixing with her medication anyway. That resulted in the blackout episode she described in that post. That's an unhealthy behavior and if she was going to therapy like she is probably supposed to, any therapist would advise against it. She's lucky she didn't die, and that Wes didn't do anything unethical (that we know about!) to her unconscious body.

I'm also not fond of the fact that she's accepting money from this guy. To my knowledge, there's no official agreement what her obligations are, but the implication of what she's supposed to do for him is clear. That isn't healthy.

When we talked about it, she called me a hypocrite. I was sleeping with a photographer named Blake to further Clara's career. Or rather, to keep it afloat so that Zane would have money for essentials. My situation was considerably more complicated. Not that I'm proud of it. A woman's body deserves more respect than to be used as a bargaining chip and to the real Charlotte, I apologize.

For what it's worth, that's done with. I knew it could not be permanent, as I did not want to upset Charlotte's life when I returned it to her. It's pointless now anyway, now that apparently I am of no professional use to "Clara."

She got mad at me for "lecturing" her about the riskiness of her behavior. I'm sorry I care. Remember, this is not a vacation, there are consequences to the things we do while in these bodies, both for ourselves and the people we appear to be. I don't want to see my friend die or end up in a coma while in this girl's body. Clara obviously has a very different tolerance to these things than Zane's did. And it bothers me that he's not learning.

It's careless to put yourself in a life-threatening situation for money that could be earned more honestly. I don't think that's really my friend in there. I understand, they share the memories and some personality traits, but I think our bodies influence us more than we know. Something inside of Clara's body has hit Zane like a ton of bricks and she's not willing to admit how hard it is. I see my friend in trouble and I want to help, but she won't accept it.

In a weird way, I kind of understand it. Without saying too much, I know how strong even these foreign bodies can attract us to others. How a situation changes you. We all get lonely, we see others taking notice of the way we look and options start appearing. You want to be in someone else's life, you want others near you, you want to be appreciated... you just don't want to be lonely. Whether you're a man or a woman, that makes sense. If things were different, I'd be very happy to let Zane find her own happiness, but they are what they are and we all have responsibilities, and one is not to be reckless with other people's lives.

When she found out I had had sex with a man, she said I was treating this like a vacation. If so, I'm working harder than on any vacation I've ever seen. It's not like living Ceecee's life has been a picnic, it's not like managing careers and juggling other peoples' lives so they get their proper bodies back is a hobby. I'm not living one life or two, I feel like I'm living three or four. All in the name of righting a wrong. All the while I have to wake up in the morning and face this woman's appearance, come the knots out of her hair, apply her makeup so she looks professional, face those last couple inches of lovehandle over her panties, the judgmental types in the office who know what I get up to on weekends, who think my life, my problems, are the office joke. I've been living a constant migraine of a life for some time now, but do I break down, do I quit, do I drink myself half to death? No, because I have a job to do. Zane, you need to grow up.

I need to make sure all my friends get back where they belong. That's my responsibility, because it's my fault they're here to begin with. I made a stupid decision, I brought them to the inn, I brought them to this. And I probably won't "chill out" until this waking nightmare is over.