Tori: I'm The (Wo)man

I know I go a long time without posting here, and I hope you can understand the reasons. One, in comparison to those who are posting, my life is incredibly dull. Two, I decided a while back that I didn't want to dwell on body-swapping drama. I check in now and again but I go weeks without reading what these good people have to say about themselves. I felt like I needed to step away from this blog to complete my transformation, from Cliff, to Tori the past victim of the inn, and now to Tori: kick-ass bosslady.

Even in my old body, I didn't have much ambition. I wanted to do something I was good at, fixing other peoples' technical problems, be paid a respectable wage while doing it, and hopefully just subsist. And that was pretty much the plan as Tori, too. After 2013 was spent hopping from one dating disaster to the next (and the ones that weren't were just duds) and pining for a guy I couldn't have, I buckled down and started to develop myself as a person.

In my last post, months ago, I mentioned a friend I had in another department, Chuck. He's my best friend at work, a handsome go-getter with a beautiful wife and infant son. Sometimes it's a little painful to think about, with him being unavailable and all (what's that cliche... all the good ones are married or secretly using you to further their conspiracy?) but if anything having a friend like that has been really healthy for me. Seeing his success kind of made me want to do more for myself.

In March, he found out he was being promoted out of his department. There wasn't really anyone ready to take his place, so he told me that if I took some business courses to improve my resume, my knowledge of the company would make me a shoe-in. This from IT, usually a pretty dead-end department.

I guess I should call him my friend with benefits. Improved health benefits, you pervs.

It was too good of an opportunity to pass up. IT is what I've done for nearly a decade now, it was my identity as Cliff and as Tori, it was... a leftover, I guess. I enjoyed it, I was good at it, but getting out now looked really attractive when the opportunity came up. Who I am, as Tori, is not somebody who stays in one place forever. And definitely not because that's what Cliff did. I know that now.

It required three weeks of night school: not easy, but no big deal when you think of some of the other things I've had to learn over the years. It was nice to learn something really new at this age. I may not be a corporate shark, but I feel like I could take control of a situation now.

I start tomorrow. With a huge pay increase and a position of some actual authority.

I'm almost tempted to second-guess it. Knowing that the Agency, those weirdos who rig the Inn for fun and profit, have messed with my life (and the lives of people I care about) I have to look at stuff like this with some suspicion. But if I can't appreciate opportunities when they come around, well... how am I ever going to do anything with my life? It's been a while now, and I think they - whoever they are - are basically over me. I sat down and thought hard about it and decided it seemed very unlikely - not impossible but not likely - that this fairly benign promotion was a point in some conspiracy to get me (or other people) back to the Inn.

(Knock on wood...)

The whole thing has me excited and scared. Wish me luck.

PS. More things to talk about, but they don't necessarily belong in this post. Mwah.

Tori: Missed me?

I'd apologize for neglecting my place on this blog, but from the looks of it there's been a lot more interesting stuff going on on the opposite coast. To all of you out there in Vancouver, I wish you the best, whatever happens this year.

As for me, things have settled over the last few months into an almost uncomfortably tight status quo. I work, I hang out with Raine & her guy, I watch Walking Dead or American Horror Story... I see friends, and I date a little.

A little. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, if I'm actively afraid of romantic success at this point, but the last year or so has totally wrecked me for commitment. I go weeks between dates, I have a brief fling, and even if I get a little comfy or intimate, I find a reason to cool off on them. So I've been pretty silent on here because I didn't want to start writing about another guy and have it come to nothing. I wanted to come back with big news, but it still hasn't happened. After all these years of being out there and flitting around trying to enjoy being Tori, I've become accustomed to a certain level of company that I'm just not finding from any of the guys I've met. 

Except...

Well, this is awful. For the last few months I've been grappling with a bit of a crush I've developed on a co-worker. He's in one of the departments I deal with most frequently and we've developed a good shorthand with each other, bonding over shared jokes and weird obscure references. It helps that he's closer to my original age, so our experience more or less lines up.

Except he's married. And he has a newborn son.

I don't feel good about myself, and to be fair I have been doing everything to forget him, but I can't avoid him at work, and I wouldn't want to, because his friendship means something to me. He's one of the first male friends I've had, my own actual friend not just second hand ones... who wasn't gay, and who I couldn't date, since I became Tori. I want that to stay pure, because pursuing it in any way would be an absolutely shitty thing to do.

It started out just as a work thing, but then one day back in November I was saying how I wanted to go see Thor: The Dark World, and he said he'd be up for it, since his wife hates going to the movies. "Really?" I said, "She'd be okay with you going to the movies with another woman?"

"Yes," he said, "Because my wife is an extremely cool person. Not much of a comic fan, but a cool person nonetheless."

We ended up talking about the Marvel cinematic universe and a whole bunch of other stuff for over an hour afterwards over coffee. A little later we had the company Christmas party and the wife left early. Part of me worried that I might get so drunk I'd lose my inhibitions and say something I shouldn't. As near as I can tell this did not occur.

These things happen. People get attached. They get crushes. Innocent thoughts. As long as I don't do anything, it shouldn't be a problem. I just need to double my efforts to find an available man who fills this same niche. Shouldn't be hard, right? Come on, Philly!