Alia/Rob: Help yourself.
As you know by now, we were only at the Inn for about a day after the transformation. It was a harrowing day and I'm still not totally settled from it. This is all so new, being in a strange town away from familiar faces and sights. Being in a strange body with parts I'm not familiar with...
Well, I'm familiar with the parts, but not from this angle. Having a penis is a very... novel feeling. I don't want to say "overrated" because a lot of women have this idea that peeing standing up would be so cool, but I still sit, basically on instinct. And I could use more control over erections, but I'm hoping that will come in time because I don't hear too many men complaining about it past puberty.
And shaving. God, that's going to be lame, but necessary.
Well by the end of that first day, people were still confused and scared, and irritated with George and Jan for attempting to provide answers but not being able to answer everything. I was very lucky I had Todd to help me through it. The person I really feel bad for is Cliff.
I don't know how much influence the Inn has in how it transforms people. If what Todd was telling me is true, it's based on physical location. There must be more to it than that - when does the "transformation" begin? When does one body officially become another, and where is that "data" stored? - but it's the most sensible answer. So the randomness, or lack of randomness, yields some very daunting results. Men become women, lovers become siblings, people age or change race, or get geographically scattered. Strangers become companions...
What Cliff didn't tell you is that Tori, the woman he became, was at the Inn with Rob. They're both from Philly, they were lovers, although why they had two rooms not one, I can only guess. Maybe it was a booking issue. Maybe Tori needed her privacy.
It was my job to drive her back to Philly, to drop her with her new family. As overwhelmed as I was by the whole experience, Cliff took it far harder. She kept talking about that first time we met, before the change, when I asked to switch rooms and he (at the time "he,") tried to use it to get sex.
Not the best first impression.
But I felt bad for him after the change. I can tell he's not really the frat boy type, he was trying to put on an act because his friends make it work. Ironically, I suppose, you find out who someone really is after they become someone else.
The entire ride, which lasted about 9 hours with stops, she obsessed over that first conversation. If it works the way Todd said, if Cliff gave me the room that first night, we'd both have our proper parts and could deal with it from there. I'd be Tori and Cliff would be Rob. That's true, sure (probably) but how could he have known? How could anyone? Yeah, it was obnoxious, but it's not like he was obligated to give me the room. All I wanted was a damn ocean view.
So I dropped her off, leaving my contact information so that we can help each other as best we can. I've just been hanging around Rob's place for the last few days, trying to get the feel for it. I've tidied up a bit, trying to take some ownership of it. It's a bit of a sty. Clothes all over the place, a rank "lived-in" smell I hope I'll get used to. Eating his food, a lot of which went bad over his extended vacation. Reading old blog entries.
I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this "Todd/Anne-Marie" thing. Reading his old posts, it sounds so much like him, so much more than he did when I thought Deb was him. I feel like an idiot for not seeing it, but there's the curse of the Inn to blame for that.
Overwhelming really is the word. I want to struggle, I want to be safe and familiar and sane, but there's no way that can happen so for now I've got to go with the flow.
Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to do with myself. Rob's a high school teacher, which means I've got nearly 2 months to myself.
Well, I helped myself to some of his beer. That'll help pass time...
-Alia
Labels: Alia, Cliff, Philadelphia, Rob, Todd
Ashlyn: Is this all my fault?
Damn.
I didn’t think anything would come of it. It seemed so harmless--but I should have known better. I've been dealing with "my secret admirer" - the man/woman/demon, for all I know, that we've taken to calling Pygmalion - for longer than any of the rest. Not always wisely—obviously--but I've seen enough to know better. But I also accepted my new life much earlier than everyone I know in the same situation (except maybe Jessica), and being Ashlyn is something I'm invested in, in all its details.
Art's a sweetie - she called me today, as soon as her interview with the police was over, to warn me. She figured it was a long shot, but if something had happened to one person who's been to the Inn, and another was falsely implicated, she figured it could involve all of us, or at least more than her and Liz.
She didn't know how right she was. It involved at least one more. It involved me.
A year and a half ago, Pygmalion sent me a DVD which was basically a sex tape. It scared the hell out of me at the time, but after a few days, I realized that was silly. So the original Ashlyn had made a sex tape. Big deal. I knew she'd been promiscuous, and it wasn't any big secret from the rest of the world. So what if Matt found out? It was from at least a year and a half earlier.
Of course, I didn't figure the man was anybody important. It turns out he was. Nobody I'd recognize, me being from Texas and the guy not being very well-known outside of Providence. Maybe not even inside Providence, but he's married to money and not interested in his infidelities becoming well known. So that's hanging over my head for a year when I get another letter, asking me to do one little thing: Just get "Penny" and Ray into a social situation every now and again.
What's the harm in that? Art would probably appreciate it, even though she would never do it herself.
If I'd known it was going as far as it did, I would have told Art what I'd done, especially since I'd seen how on edge Liz has been. But nothing seemed to have come of it. I was waiting for another letter, since this bit of manipulation didn't seem to accomplish anything. But...
I'm worried. Pygmalion, as far as we can tell, works by influence, setting things up in ways that are nearly untraceable. Was I the first step in some sort of Rube Goldberg device that ended with Liz killing Ray in a jealous rage?
I hope not. But that's the way it looks.
-Lyn
Labels: Art, Liz, Pygmalion, Ray
Todd: Return to Connecticut.
Now, this feels weird. The rest of Friday was, as you can imagine, quite hectic, explaining everything to Alia and then to that Cliff guy... or should I say Tori? Listen man, I feel your pain, but the physical thing really isn't
that big a deal after a while. Living someone else's life can be stressful, but at least from what you told me, you're not expected to be married to anyone.
That was a drag.
But, well, I'm a free man again, I guess. I'm still incredibly bummed out about Alia being a man. I was really excited about getting back to the guy side of the guy-girl equation. I don't want to confuse the issue too much, but I was only interested in men as long as I had a vagina.
That said, it's been an awkward few days. There were some pretty girls kicking around Maine before we left but I was in too much shock to notice them, and I felt bad for those at the inn, like Cliff. She's a bit of a knockout, a small, thin thing. Petite. I'm sorry for saying so, but she's going to have to deal with it.
Being male again is just... a shocking experience. It's a little like losing a sense - going deaf or hard of smelling. I feel like part of the way I perceived the world for the past year had to do with my female anatomy and it's just... gone. Maybe female intuition is a real thing, or maybe this had nothing to do with it. At the same time, I feel like my body is coursing with power, with energy. Just from being tall and having thicker muscles.
George and Jan eventually found me and Bryan and invited me to help explain as best we could. I told him I'd rather not, but I'd come by for the support. They'd remained a couple - this time both white, this time George the woman and Jan the male. Not young, but certainly not as old as they were originally, so I guess their journey continues.
So Bry, Alia and I stood awkwardly in back while these two explained to the remaining crowd of 8 or so confused, scared people what had happened and how to proceed. The problem with explaining things is that people thing you had something to do with it, and they think you have all the answers. George has clearly been around a lot, but there are things nobody knows. (How or why the Inn does what it does, for starters, would be a big one.) The crowd got restless and dispersed still somewhat confused and now bitter about the whole ordeal. I felt bad for them.
I spent the rest of the day talking to Alia. god, it was weird, looking at that guy and trying to talk to him like he was the girl I've always known. But he humoured me, did his best not to make it too awkward (oh yes Alia sweetheart, I'm labeling you a "he" from now on.) I asked him if he was one of those women who curses their anatomy every so often and thought having a penis would be convenient.
He sighed and said that sometimes, sure, a lot of women feel that way, but rarely do they make it a legitimate desire. Women - I know firsthand - are often very in tune with their bodies. Lord knows they're all unique enough, and there's a lot going on that men (who have never been woman) simply don't understand. He continued to marvel at the notion I had lived for a year as a woman, impressed I had come through it alive and hoped I had learned.
I said I had, but more about growing up than, say, having a vagina. I might've learned the same lesson had I become Hal. Only then I'd have had to be a dentist. Hrm.
I told him not to give up, that it was surprisingly easy to "become" someone else, if you're left to your own devices a lot of the time. He said that still didn't sound appealing and I don't blame him. But he knows, from seeing me, how possible it is to come back, and we're counting on it.
He got this embarrassed look on his face. "Todd, I've slept with Sean Flaherty a few times over the last year. It started out as a ploy for your attention, but I guess... obviously it didn't work. I know we're not going to be together, not for a while, but if you meet someone, feel free to..."
I said, "God, Allie, no! You only banged Sean because you didn't know it wasn't me! I only banged Hal because I felt obligated to..."
"Please don't say 'banged.'"
"Whatever. My point is, if I do anything now, it'd be like cheating."
"That never stopped you before."
"Well, I'm... a new man." I declared boldly. That made him chuckle. Really it was more of a giggle, which was a tad unnerving.
"Todd, I can't say I'll make the same promise, I mean, while I'm Roberto. I just... I don't want you to miss out on stuff because of me. You haven't had a penis in a year!"
I didn't tell him this, but, I guess there's only one way to deal with that. See, I'm back in Connecticut today (checkout was Saturday) staying at "Julia" and "Kalli's" apartment while they return to Maine, because I still think I may be able to close up this Donna chapter, maybe without even doing anything serious with her.
But I guess I'm prepared to do that, too... I really don't intend to do anything with anyone else when we get back to Toronto, but Alia was right... I haven't been able to use my own penis is such a long time. It's pretty tempting.
I don't know how I'm gonna handle that yet, but, I'm sure I'll figure something out.
So, we parted ways on Saturday, leaving behind all the frilly underthings and purses and make-up that vexed us oh so long when we were ladies. Bryan folded up those little Ellie clothes and laughed. "holy shit dude - I was wearing this little thing two days ago?" It's been quite a ride. We also said goodbye to George and Jan, who appeared to inherit a pair of twin girls. There'd been a bickering couple kicking around the Inn for the last few days, and though I didn't ask, if I had guess from the way they interacted with each other I'd say this was them, which I guess is unfortunate... but then again this isn't exactly the lottery for anyone else.
So since there's nothing immediately waiting for me in Toronto, Bry and I are just kicking it in Connecticut for a while, then we might make a few more rounds. It's been a while since I looked in on
Darren/Jaime, so we might do New York a little later, and then of course, Philly, to see "Rob" before heading back up north.
I'll keep you posted.
-Todd
Labels: Alia, Bryan, Cliff, Connecticut, Donna, Maine, Todd
Art/Penny: Something is very much not right.
I know I've done wrong by Liz, but never in a million years would I do what the police seemed to be suggesting today. I know they were mostly trying to put a scare into me, maybe get me to shake something loose that maybe isn't even self-incriminating, but perhaps something that I didn't even know I knew, but, man, the implications of what they were suggesting.
Remember how I mentioned
last week that Liz and Ray eloped? It appears that they never made it to Vegas. Nobody knew this, however - their families put in a call to the Cambridge P.D. when the pair didn't come back on the day their note said they would, after conducting their own little amateur investigation. Liz had apparently allowed her parents to use her Expedia account on the rare times they traveled, so that they could rack up some sort of rewards points faster, and they checked it out to see that Liz had booked a trip to Vegas. When they called the hotel, though, they were told that Liz and Ray had never checked in. That's when they called the police, who found out that they'd never gotten on the plane.
At least, that's what I think was the case. The detectives might have been fudging the details, trying to catch me in a lie. I'm apparently some sort of prime suspect, because the neighbors reported that Liz and Ray had been fighting about a woman in the days leading up to their disappearance, and someone (
Zoey, I'll bet) gave them my name. Normally, they say, it's not a jealous girlfriend they suspect in cases like this, but looking at you...
I stop them there, asking what they mean by "cases like this". That's when they start the "you must have some idea, Ms. Lincoln. There was blood found in their apartment..."
As you might imagine, this was the point where I started getting scared, and by "scared" I mean "terrified". I'm innocent, of course, but I must have started behaving like a guilty person. I started wondering, had I acted like I knew the layout of Liz's and Ray's apartment, even though I told them I'd never been in there? Was I too familiar with other details of their lives in a way that would point suspicion at me? Will they dig up things like
intimidating "Arthur Milligan" or two times Penelope Lincoln had disappeared off the face of the Earth without adequate information or tossing away a promising career in television to move cross-country to take a decidedly less glamorous job?
I probably did a really shitty job live-blogging and reporting on the game tonight, which might not have been noticed except that people are going to want to read about Nomar Garciaparra's return in the papers tomorrow. Heck, I was excited about this one, since the A's were my hometown team two lifetimes ago. But, instead, I'm generating scenarios in my head about how I could wind up in jail because of this. There are times when it really doesn't pay to be a writer, especially one who's been trying to plot crimes interesting enough to read about for the last couple years: My mind has been going crazy coming up with this stuff, including a hellishly circular bit where the very fact that I've been researching crime makes me more of a suspect.
I'm probably worrying too much, I know - even with the blood, two adults who had been planning a trip disappearing probably won't be at the top of the cops' list. But it's sure as hell freaking me out.
-Art/Penny
Labels: Arthur, Liz, Penny, police, Ray
Cliff: Too much to handle
I guess you'll want to know what's happened. Well, I guess you already know. You probably all knew before I did. I don't want to write about it, I don't want to think about it, don't want anybody to know, but... that doesn't make it any less real. It's real all right, and it's terrifying.
So I'm transformed. I'm a girl. A woman? When does a girl become a woman? At a certain age? Or is it maybe a sex thing? Oh God.
Never mind much about what happened that first day. It was all chaos. If you must know, I knew right away, but I didn't know. Obviously. Like, lying there in bed, I had an idea that something had happened, but how could I have guessed? I was having a dream, and I felt a muscle spasm where there never was a muscle before. That woke me up. And the more I lay there trying to get back to sleep, so this whole thing would go away, the more I couldn't, and the more obvious it was something about my body was different. The long hair under the back of my head was a giveaway. So were the boobs. Oh God.
So I started to investigate. I heard heavy footsteps in the room next door, where that Alia girl had been, and I found three guys in there, and they explained it all. Two of the guys had been there before, and the other guy was Alia, she'd been changed just like me. I guess they all had, but I found out later, the other guys had been changed
back. Which is comforting I guess, but for now it doesn't do me much good because I can't get my mind off how different my body is.
So while people were running around in a panic, this chubby lady and a thin guy call a meeting, and they explain to everyone else what Todd already told me. Everyone starts to freak out a bit more. "Who did this? How? Why?" People break down in tears, they pace frantically. I try to keep my cool, but frankly it's very hard because all I want to do is look at my new face. I decided to bite the bullet and look for a "letter" Todd told me I'd probably find.
It was only three pages long, and the girl who wrote it wasn't all that good at composing her thoughts. Her name, which I guess is my name now, was Victoria Pearce. Tori. She's 22 years old, which is a few years younger than me. I'd find that interesting, if it weren't for the fact that I'm a woman either way right now. I tried to comfort myself saying the seemingly random nature of these changes could've made me someone a lot worse, because honestly, and God I shudder to say this, but... Tori's kind of hot. Oh God.
This long dark hair is driving me crazy. I couldn't bring myself to look at this body naked. I did have to change into some of Tori's clothes eventually. I looked through the luggage, it felt like it was mocking me... tight little panties tops that reveal cleavage... will I someday feel comfortable in these clothes? I hope not. But have I got a choice? I wore a hoodie and some shorts.
Immediate needs settled my head began to throb thinking about how serious of a problem this was. Living somebody else's life - somebody else in mine! I can't explain myself to anyone. They're going to expect me to be a girl. What does that even mean? If I just act like myself, but having boobs (and other things?) is that good enough? How am I supposed to pretend to be Tori? I don't know what she's like.
I wanted to call Justin, tell him everything. I tried, and got his voicemail, but before saying anything, I panicked and hung up. All he would've heard is some girl rambling about transformations. He called back twice but I couldn't bring myself to answer. Then he came by.
Fuck! you do not know what misery is until your lifelong friend looks at you like someone he's never seen before, even almost like a piece of meat. He gave me the eye, I could tell. I hope he's not cheating on Randi. He asked me where I was -- where "Cliff" was, and I stammered and said I didn't know, and he got all pissy and drove off.
That was when I realized how fucked I was. That this is real, and I can't go back, not for a long time anyway. And everywhere I go, every time I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or a window, I feel so embarrassed. Humiliated. Helpless.
I'll tell you more about Tori's life later, I guess. I'm exhausted just trying to remember all that, trying to get it down. I'm not made for this. All I can do right now is sit around fixating on how awful everything is.
Labels: Cliff, Tori
Alia?: Answers and questions
If anyone out there believes what is going on here I hope you understand it is not easy for me to be typing this... suddenly everything about my life has changed. And I don't just mean the face in the mirror, but my entire understanding of the world around me, not just on a metaphysical level but on a personal one... you have to understand how much it
hurt when I started to think Todd no longer cared about me. How much pain I went through, hating Todd for seeming to forget me. Hating myself for letting it bother me so much, like some pathetic girl.
Right now, the realization that
that Todd was not my Todd, that
my Todd was somewhere else the entire time... that I've been the victim of a huge unthinkable lie for a whole year,
that's what's got me so shaken up. It doesn't matter what I look like now, although this is... just as shocking to me, really. And when I first woke up, when I saw what had happened to me, I couldn't believe or understand what exactly had happened. I didn't think it was real. No matter how real it felt, some of the worst dreams feel the same.
Then I heard a knock at the door. I was wary of answering it, but it had urgency to it. A muffled voice from behind the door: "Alia, it's me! It's Todd! I know you're in there!"
Cautiously, I opened the door a crack, and sure enough there he was, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. Specifically, a Clash T-shirt that I had given him years ago, and that I thought he'd lost. And what did he see? Not Alia...
I hadn't removed my sleeping clothes yet - a pair of shorts and a tank top - but they were straining against my shoulders, my waist. I was constricted, but I didn't want a look at what I saw underneath. I
knew what was there, I could feel it, part of me, but suddenly, seeing Todd, I had pressing issues.
I couldn't look him in the eye as he addressed me. "Alia," he said, "Alia, is that you?" I nodded. "I can explain. Just relax. I can explain everything."
Bryan came and stood in the doorway, letting Todd do the talking. I sat on the bed, and he paced back and forth. He says when he stayed at the Inn last year, he was transformed, and had to live in Connecticut, and some stranger got his body. That's the person I thought was Todd this entire time. A little bit of a tear fell down my cheek, partly from relief, partly from fear. He explains, it's possible to change back, it takes some arrangement, but it works, and he's going to help me as much as he can.
I stood, being nearly eye-to-eye with him for the first time, and wrapped my arms around him. I didn't know what to say. I kissed him, which I thought for a moment might be a bit much but he actually kissed me back for a little bit before breaking away. "Sorry," we both apologized. Then we laughed. Maybe there wasn't anything to apologize for.
So now, in the aftermath of all this emotional fallout, I've got a whole new life to deal with. And
that's a scary thing. I've been looking at this face in the mirror and it scares me to think I'm not going to see myself for a very long time. The mustache is going to have to go.
The name on the letter was Roberto Garcia. The best of what I can tell you right now is that he's 31, a high school teacher, a native of Philadelphia. I'm not going to address his marital status right now, but I'm not going to be in the same situation Todd was in. Speaking of which... I keep coming back around to it how weird not only this situation is, but what he's told me about his life this past year.
I feel kind of stupid for not even reading past the first couple of posts. I thought "Wow this goes back a long way, I think I get the idea" around the time it just started to be about a bunch of guys playing poker. I thought it was stupid. I didn't realize what I'd be reading if I just kept going to the end of that first month! Not to mention the fact that Todd's been referencing me repeatedly. In the situation, it's kind of sweet.
Todd Casey. Trapped in a monogamous relationship. A woman. I know it, I've heard it, I've seen proof to suggest all of this is real, but I can't imagine it. That woman who I thought was giving me the evil eye, under her skin was my boyfriend. And all because he wanted to come back to me as soon a she could, he did things that would've been unimaginable... impossible.
Well, I'm going to do my best to come back to him. I've got to. No matter how hard this next year might be, I owe it to him. As scary as the thought is, looking like someone else, living their life, I haven't got a choice.
Alia
Labels: Alia, Maine, Rob, Todd
Todd: The Man in the Mirror
It's... it's me.
I'm going to try to write this as quickly as possible, but I don't want to skip over anything. I haven't even gone to check on Alia, because I'm really, really nervous about this whole thing. I stuck my head out the door but there's been no commotion in the hallways. I've heard a couple people in their rooms, but it's hard to get a fix on who's doing what.
It hasn't been easy since coming to the Inn. Knowing that the change was coming eventually, and then finding out about Alia, I found it really hard to fall asleep. Part of me didn't want to, I wanted to know what the experience was, because I hope never to have it again. Part of me thought it would be too horrifying to contemplate, although when I read
Brandon's post a few days ago, I felt a bit bolder about it.
Incidentally, the very first night we were here, Bryan saw me changing into my nightie, and asked me why I was even bothering. I said it was for comfort, and she balked -- when that change happens, what's gonna happen to the clothes I was wearing? Nightgown, panties, bra, possibly wrecked when my body gets bigger. I'm not a huge guy, but I don't wanna wreck any of Anne-Marie's clothes. So we both slept in the nude, which was uncomfortable for me on both the physical level (it's been quite chilly here at night) and the "dude cover yourself up" level, because in case you forgot, Ellie's still 15 years old, although Bry's back to his old attitude, joking around about his body and being really cavalier about it.
Well it happened a few hours ago. I was jolted out of a not-so-deep sleep by what felt like the weirdest massage/acupuncture/tattoo sensation, all over my body. I flopped out of bed and flicked on the light switch, scurrying to the washroom to get a better view of what was happening to me.
It was... not so slow as to be imperceptible, but not immediate either. My hair had already reverted to a shorter male cut (not really resembling the one I had had when I was last male) and my face was starting to follow suit. Bry joined me, already standing tall alongside me - I guess we had both grown. We looked like mutants for a moment, trapped between sexes, as the flesh on our breasts flattened and hardened. I couldn't bear more than a glance at my genitals, honestly,
that shit was scary. It was like watching an alien birth. We didn't converse, except for exclamations of "Oh God, this is fucked up, this is so weird!" in slowly transitioning voices.
And then... it was over. And suddenly instead of a woman and her niece we were just two guys standing naked in a washroom.
Overcome with joy and exhaustion, we stood there looking at ourselves in the mirror. Looking at each other. We hugged.
I mean hey, I've been pretty intimate with a man for the last six months. I think I'm beyond calling "no homo" for crossing swords with my best friend on an occasion like this.
We started going through our luggage, looking for appropriate attire for now. Sweats and that kind of thing. In my Anne-Marie bag, I had my The Clash t-shirt, the one Alia gave me years ago, that I brought to Connecticut, never washed, pulled out every couple weeks when I needed a fading, fleeting reminder of Todd Casey.
For a while we stayed speechless, humbled, relieved, only barely managing to howl with a satisfied laughter or cheer of "Oh man... it's over... it's final over." We went out to watch the sun rise over the Atlantic while the rain continued, and try to figure out what to do about Alia. So far, no clue. Right now I'm trying to gather my thoughts, find the exact words I would've wanted to hear last year, and of course, taking the time to blog it out.
Bry, in his inimitable way, tried to cheer me up by saying "Hey man... maybe she got hotter."
I smiled and put my hand on his shoulder. "That's not possible, man, but thanks."
I figure I'll go over there pretty soon. Alia's kind of an early riser, even on vacation. I don't know whether I should hope she's already seen what's happened, or if I would want to be there for her immediate reaction. Either way it feels like it's not going to be a fun conversation.
But, well, I guess it'll be over with soon.
-Todd
Labels: Alia, Anne-Marie, Bryan, Ellie, Maine, rain, Todd
Todd/Anne-Marie: No way out
"How noble are you?"
So asked one commenter when I described the feeling of seeing Alia here at this godforsaken place, knowing that before long we will all be transformed. Knowing that an uncertain, possibly horrible fate awaits her has put me in a very awkward position.
Do I leave the Inn, stay as Anne-Marie and let me girl go back to her life? Or do I stay, return to myself, and risk her transformation into an old woman, or a kid, or something? At one point I thought about sneaking into her room and checking for luggage left behind, but there never was an opportunity.
What's the
noble thing to do, though? I've never considered myself a noble guy, but it's the kind of thing I would aspire to. Is it selfish to want my body back, knowing I won't have her, so that Anne-Marie and Ellie will get back to their own lives (as pointed out be a later commenter?) Or do I sacrifice myself - and Anne-Marie and Ellie - to let her live her normal life? This could be my one chance to get my life back, but is my life worthwhile knowing I did this to her?
George weighed in on the issue. His opinion is that, sooner or later, all of the transformations are going to take place. Plenty of people's lives will be ruined anyway. I was prepared to let a dozen strangers go through the transformation without a word of warning. In this case, I can at least be there for her, and try to explain and help her through it. There's no real choice. No going back.
Labels: Alia, Anne-Marie, Todd
Arthur/Penny: I'm a horrible woman
I see a new group of people heading back to the Inn, or there for the first time, and I'm tempted to join them. I feel like so much of the last six months has demonstrated that I'm just not cut out for this, and maybe if I go back to the Inn, I'll get myself a male body, and someone who can handle being a woman will get this one.
It's been practically New Year's since
I wrote here last, so a bit of recap is probably in order: I met a nice guy at Lyn's party, we went on a few dates, and it was fun. More than fun, actually - I wasn't quite falling in love, but I was enjoying dating, which was a new and exciting experience for me as a woman. I should have written about it, but between work (which now includes live-blogging nearly every game) and the endless rewrites on the book, I kind of didn't want to do any more writing. Besides, whenever I'd meet up with Lyn to talk about it, she'd hit me with good advice about not ruining a good thing by over-thinking it, and blogging is incredibly conducive to over-thinking. So I stayed away while things were good.
And I didn't want to be all self-pitying when things went wrong. It started out small; there were kids running around the restaurant where we were having breakfast one Wednesday morning (yeah, I was enjoying the low-pressure sex, too) in February. It was a vacation week, and we started talking about what we'd done during winter vacations as kids. His stories were funny, but mine must have sounded strange, as I tried to merge what little I know about Nell's youth with a Penny-fied version of my own. It always sounded like I was holding something back, and even though none of it had anything to do with us right now, it must have looked as bad to him as it felt to me.
So we broke up. It sucked, but there's a life lesson to it: You know how it appears that you can tell people about the Inn and have them believe you during big, life-changing moments? Breaking up with someone you've been seeing for a couple months doesn't count. No matter how awful it may feel at the time, this is not a big enough event in your life that you can get anywhere by telling your boyfriend that you used to be someone else, and a cursed inn up in Old Orchard Beach reshaped your body, twice, and that's why you're so guarded and uncertain. It sucks, and it hurts, but apparently it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.
Lyn repeated that to me about a dozen times a night that first week. It sort of convinced me. After a while, I was kind of glad, because between my weird schedule, Chance's, hers, and her boyfriend Matt's, we hadn't been seeing much of each other lately, and now everything only had to work out a little bit. She doesn't mind swooping down on certain things like a vulture, either: Even in my first life, I got kind of worked up over breakups, not really enjoying anything that I'd planned to do with my girlfriend when it looked like we would be together for some indefinite period. The hormones I inherited from Nell seem to make it worse, so I wound up giving Lyn a bunch of tickets to games and concerts I'd either bought or been comped.
One of them was for a Bruin's game in early March. I give her the tickets, switch a shift or two to work from the pressbox that night, planning to meet her and Matt after the game. When I've gotten some quotes and filed a game story, I head to a bar down the street from the Garden where I've agreed to meet them after the game. I'm kind of surprised when I find Lyn and it's not Matt she's with, but Ray.
Lyn tells me that Mike had to cover for someone at the firehouse who had food poisoning, and she just happened to run into Ray after she got the call. Ray had to check with Liz, of course, but Liz is busy rehearsing and doesn't much mind him being out with Lyn (probably figures that Lyn, being a former guy and in a long-term relationship, is the safest girl for her fiancé to spend time with). Ray remembers me, from Lyn's party and
before, and we all get to talking, and drinking, and laughing, and...
And I don't exactly remember Lyn leaving, because she's got an job interview the next morning. Ray and I had a good time without her, and then we went back to my place and had a
really good time.
We were both horrified when we woke up in the morning. He was engaged, and I always figured that Lyn would be the one to make this kind of mistake, not me. He ran off as soon as I shook him awake, and I can't say I blamed him.
He felt bad, though; he turned up at the
Boston Today offices to apologize, and I told him there was no need, that I owed him more of an apology than he owed me (left unsaid, of course, is how much contrition we both owed Liz). We went to the Sidebar, had one drink to show there were no hard feelings, and that was that.
A few weeks later, around the end of April, I was at the dressmakers getting something mended when I heard yelling from the next room; it was Liz, having something just short of a tantrum about how everything had to be perfect, and this wasn't, and... Well, I didn't stick around. Ray was going in as I was coming out, and I warned him that he did not want to go in there. He said he had to, but he was running from the room thirty seconds later, saying it wasn't his area of expertise and Liz had thrown him out. He spotted me, ran to catch up, and we chatted as we walked. After we'd turned a corner or two, he pushed me up against the wall and kissed me.
It must have been kind of a funny sight - Ray's around five-eight, and I'm a smidge under six feet even even when I'm not wearing shoes with a one-inch heel like I was that day; he had to stand on tiptoe. I also spend a lot more time in the gym than he does. I don't say this to make fun of Ray, just to point out that he didn't - couldn't, really - force himself on me. I kissed back, and everything after was something we both did, not just him, and not just me.
I say "everything after", but it's not as dramatic as that makes it sound. We would meet on nights when Liz had rehearsal - or, later, performances. He'd complain that she was getting to be a full-on Bridezilla, I'd regale him with what a Boston sports reporter learns that the locals eat up even though it's utterly trivial, we'd drink a bit, and then, about half the time, we'd have sex.
And it was good. Ray gave me my first female orgasm two years ago, and there was something familiar about hooking up with him, but it was new, too. My body type is divergent enough from Liz's that we approached each other differently. I'd let him be on top (I was a little scared of getting crushed as Liz), and there was an urgency to it, as we were stealing time. Both in the short term and in the long term - Ray and Liz had a mid-July wedding date set, and we both knew it would end then. Neither of us is going to cross that line, and we figured Liz would chill out after the wedding itself was over.
Of course, this depended on Liz not finding out.
I don't know how she did; it doesn't much matter. We were just drinking that night, and Liz showed up at the bar still in costume, just completely pissed off. Ray stammered that it was just a drink with a friend, but he's not a good enough liar to stand his ground when Liz asked about the other times. She didn't have much time to waste - she could only stretch intermission by fifteen minutes, so she just stomped out.
Ray followed soon after, saying he was sorry, that the tightly-wound thing was a relatively recent development. It only happened after the second time he proposed to her. Some girls just let the engagement and wedding get into their heads, and it would be different after it was all over and done with. She'd be like the girl who he fell in love with and proposed to.
I don't know about that.
That was a few weeks ago, the last time I saw Ray. I went to Liz's play last week, but she wasn't there. I asked one of the other folks in the audience, and she told me that "the Chinese girl" and her boyfriend had eloped, and were probably still on their honeymoon. I guess they worked things out between them, and I'm glad. Ray's a good guy, he and Liz have loved each other forever, and Liz went through a lot to get back to him.
And that gets us up to today. Let me just apologize to Lyn again for not telling her while it was happening; I suppose it's like Liz not wanting to tell the original Ashlyn about Stewart; you take the "high ground" toward someone who's more overtly sexual and it's just unthinkable to confess you've done something bad.
It does feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, though. It was terrible keeping that sort of thing bottled up. From now on, I'm making a couple rules: No guys with girlfriends/wives/etc., and when someone talks about my past, just say I don't want to talk about it. If that's a deal-breaker for them, so be it. Being in a relationship is supposed to make you feel good, and I'm sick of it doing something else.
- Art/Penny
Labels: Arthur, Ashlyn, Boston, Liz, Penny, Ray, relationship, sex
