The Trading Post

Greg/Priya: Slutty Halloween and Priya Dreams

So its been something ridiculous like over a month since I last posted to this blog, hopefully nobody got TOO worried about me. The thing is, I havent really had much to worry about. Im apparently a good teacher, since I got thru my first round of parent teacher conferences without any of the parents thinking that I was really some guy pretending to be a Kindergarten teacher. Although parent teacher conferences for Kindergarten are kinda weird, since I had to use all sorts of eduational terminology because im basically evaluating these kids' learning abilities at a young age. Yeesh, when I type it like that it makes it sound a lot more serious than i take it.



Anyway, Im a good teacher and Ive adapted to the life of one a such. Ive also been a lot more social than I was originally, altho when you consider I was a total hermitress thats not saying much. Ive actually been spending a lot of time with Phil and Mike on the weekends. Just hanging ot and watching football with them.



To clear up a question that was posted on the comments section of my last post: Phil and Mike are not gay. I called Priya and asked what the situation was and she told me that Phil was enganged and Mike and her were just friends and both were definitly on her DNF list, (which she typed up and emailed to me just in case).



Ive also been doing social things with Amber. Not just social obligation stuff, but like really truly interested in doing best friend stuff. The other day I went to Target with her to help her return a shirt. Its not something that I had to do with her but I miss her so much that any chance I can get to be around her I take, even it is just coffee and girl talk.



Of course this leads me to last week and what was probably considered a social obligation. It was halloween and as any red blooded american knows any woman between the ages of 18-35 uses this night as an excuse to dress slutty. I had thought that I, being an example for young children, would not have to dress in such a way because it wouldnt be allowed. I was wrong. Halloween was on a Saturday and I was in for a party with a whole bunch of mine and Ambers friends. (we did have a halloween celebration at the school on Friday. I wore cat ears)



So on Saturday morning, just as I got back from my bike ride and getting ready to watch football, I get a text from Amber saying she had the costumes asking what time I was going over there to get ready for the party. This perplexed me because I have been Priya Patel for almost 4 months now, and I never once bought a halloween costume. Apparently she and Amber had planeed this MONTHS ago (which is apparently something girls do for halloween)

So when I arrived at my old place, the love of my life answered the door dressed like a playboy bunny. Not like nude model, but like a waitress from the old playboy clubs that were open in the 60s. It consisted fo someting that looked like a black one piece swimsuit (with a tail on the butt), fishnet stockings, high heels, and bunny ears. I dont know which was worse, the fact that I had no physical reaction this sight, or that there was a matching outfit inside in my size. And when I say in my size, I mean Priyas size when they bought, and even though my biking and miller lite drinking have resulted in weight loss (4 pounds, yay me), it was a tight squeeze. I didnt look gross or anything, but I definitly filled it out and you could see all my curves. (again, no pics)

So after intensive hair and makeup prepping we were ready to head out. Dee had come home by then and got into her "costume". Apparently Dee was a 1960s ad executive, from some show called Mad Men which I had never seen but it was apparently Dee's favorite show. HER costume consisted of a suit, a hat, some cigarettes (which she didnt light), and a glass of brown liquor. I could not see any of her curves :-/

The party was at our friend Jake's house. Jake is a friend of mine from college and he is good friends with me and Amber, as were most of the people at the party. Most of the non familial guest list to our wedding was in attendance.

This made things difficult for me, becuase while i knew everyone there, not all of them there knew me, at least not in my current form. Some of them knew Priya and some of them didnt. The trouble came about when I said hi to my friend Jerry and he had no idea who I was. I was able to make up a story about overhearing Greg say hi to him. What i couldnt explain away was why I started talking to him. For most guys when a pretty girl talks to him at a party, he automatically things this girl is interested in him and begins to be interested himself. This caused Jerry to flirt with me ALL NIGHT. Now, Jerry is a nice guy and my friend, but Im still not really very comfortable being flirted with yet. Fortuneatly he didnt ask for my number at the end of the night and i stayed pretty sober so as not to do anything stupid. All in all it wasnt bad except for having people I know check me out all night when they thought I wasnt looking.


But that experience wasnt what prompted me to blog. That occured last thursday night when I had the strangest dream. In my dream I was drivng for a very long time until I got to Memphis where I met Amber for ribs. The premise wasnt the strangest thing about it though, the strangest part was after I woke up the next day and realized that during my dream I was Priya. Not Greg.

I dont know much about physiology or psychology but all I know is that when I first started looking like Priya, my brain was still very much Greg and my dreams reflected that. Now, there all Priya. And since you dont remember all your dreams its impossible for me to pinpoint when exactly this started. Has my brain subconsciously adjusted to the fact that I know look like this and now uses this form as my self image? What about all the other posters, past and present, Do/Did you dream in your new body or your original one?

Leave comments or mention in your next entry please.

-Greg (Still)

posted @ 12:08 PM 1 comments

Cliff/Tori: All dressed up and no place to ho...

Hurray for me! I'm getting my sense of humor back.

This weekend has been quiet, unusually so. This is mostly because the parents have gone away, leaving me in charge of the house (gee thanks.) Friday night after work I went out to the bar with "the gang:" Thom & Sara, Raine, Cyndi from work, and her boyfriend. It wasn't awkward, and indeed was rather uneventful; we avoided the "fifth and sixth wheel" rut Raine and I got into last time I wrote about it and actually had a nice night. Uneventful.

Saturday, as you must know, was Halloween. I made dinner for Mae and myself. Cooking was something I actually enjoyed for years, since I've been on my own for a while, I started learning to cook since before I left college. Not that I could work in a restaurant or anything, I'm no iron chef. I just know how to cook a decent variety of small meals. You know, like if I ever had a date....... but let's not worry about that now that I am Tori. I will state however that I never thought cooking was a "feminine" trait. My dad was a good cook too, it's important.

Sadly, we didn't have much in the house for me to work with, so I just made spaghetti and meat sauce, which used a somewhat special recipe. And garlic bread. We sat down to eat quietly... Mae and I always have these long awkward silences when it's just the two of us, obviously sibling hostility left over from when Tori was herself. I mean, I'd resent it if I was still at home and my older brother came back and sponged off my parents. I can relate, but I can't make her understand that. So I just have to accept things as they are; there's always going to be some discomfort between us.

Point to ponder: It's one thing to become "a girl." It's another thing to become a different person. It's been said before but this is one of those times that underlined it.

Anyway, not much was said for a while until she broke the ice by remarking how good the food tasted. I played it down, saying it wasn't anything much, but she pressed it, "No, seriously, since when can you cook?"

"It's nothing special, really. Anyone could do this. It's just following directions."

She half-joked "Since when can you follow directions?" I smirked, snorted a quick laugh, and kept eating with no comment. She looked at me and asked, "Are you wearing my shirt?"

I was wearing one of those American Eagle plaid overshirts I bought when I was in Louisville. Mae has a number of similar clothes. I explained this.

"Right," she said, slurping her spaghetti, "When you were visiting your mysterious 'friends' out in Kentucky."

"That's right. Why, what do you think I was doing?"

"I have no idea," she joked, "And frankly, I don't wanna know. I'm just saying, you're copying my style. You've never done that. What's going on with you?"

"I dunno," I shrugged, "People change."

She was finishing up her meal when she changed the tone to an unexpectedly honest one. "You know, I'm sorry if I've been a bitch to you since you came back," she sighed. "You've been really cool lately and I'm starting to think I'm going a bit overboard with some of the stuff I've been saying."

It was really nice to hear, although she didn't need to say it. It was easy for me to keep from taking it seriously, because I knew it wasn't about me anyway, and I have plenty of experience ragging on/being ragged on by my brother and other guys. Maybe Tori wasn't so thick-skinned about it.

"Don't worry, Mae," I said, "I mean, we're (ahem) sisters," that was me clearing my throat so as to not choke on admitting to being someone's sister, "It's what we do."

"I never thought I'd say this, but I'm starting to like the new you. Anyway, I'll probably be out late. Ed's coming to pick me up," her little boyfriend, Raine's brother. "Don't tell mom and dad, okay?"

"You got it." It was a nice moment. I felt trusted.

She left me, alone with the dog. Now, I was supposed to go out and party with Raine and Sara. We were all going to dress up as Disney Princesses. Actually, they were going as Disney princesses (Raine as Belle, Sara as Jasmine.) I got a "sexy Robin Hood" outfit despite their protests; I argued that Disney did Robin Hood too, but they said that was missing the point. Then they joked about wearing a red shirt and no pants and going as Winnie the Pooh. Anyway, I was drawn to the costume because of the, er, gender-type implications, but after trying it on, I felt a little too sexy (plus I could hardly breathe in it) so I decided not to go.

I spent the evening hanging out with the dog, handing out candy and watching movies -- Ghostbusters 1 & 2, then Gremlins 1 & 2. Of course, Gremlins 1 is more of a Christmas movie, but... anyway. Around 9, I hadn't gotten any trick-or-treaters in a while so I turned out the front lights, and as the movies played I stripped out of my costume. Yes, despite what I said about not being able to breathe, I wore the costume because I wanted to wear something and it was either that or a large men's vampire outfit buried in "dad's" closet. Don't worry, I wore a shirt underneath to avoid exposing all the little kids to my cleavage.

Anyway, being the lazy disorganized sort of the night, I neglected to even put on a new layer of clothes. I went about in my bra and panties doing laundry and other household chores. Cleaned the dishes, shaved my legs. I fell asleep on the couch around two, half-dressed cuddling with the dog, with a half a beer on the coffee table.

When Mae got in a little later, she was sure to snap a picture. Not amusing. We talked a little about her date, which is something we hadn't done before.

Back in my own life, I used to go out and party on Halloween, usually making a drunken fool of myself or striking out. I didn't mind a quieter night, but it does get lonely.

Labels: chores, Cliff, cooking, Halloween, Mae, Scruff, Tori

posted @ 10:45 PM 0 comments

Todd: All I've got is a photograph...

You can tell I'm out of sorts, because usually I'm above a Def Leppard reference.

I've been moping a lot. I wasn't even sure I wanted to write this entry, because not a lot of note has happened since my last post. Been working detail. I'm glad to have that level of stability in my life. It's settled down to an almost unbearable level now that Crystal and Bryan work together and have their own stuff going on, I'm largely on my own. Things seem to be passing me by... Crystal, who when we first met her was very skittish about going out, went with Bryan and some others to the Zombie walk, which I skipped for a combination of work and moping.

Bry and I also had to accompany her to (Canadian) Thanksgiving and act as her guide to her various relations... it was awkward to explain why I was there despite our no longer being together. But she needs the help and support, and she's not a bad lady, so I'm happy to help her.

I keep wondering if I should maybe pick up the phone and call Erica and Sean, but I know they're not overly interested in anything I've got to say. And I guess I'm not really interested in anything they've got either. I just find it hard to relate to people nowadays.

It was over a year ago that I started posting here, sharing my story. It was really therapeutic, and regardless of what you folks think of me, I've always appreciated having this outlet. Back then I was lost and confused, and as much as things have changed, I still feel some of those same feelings.

Except now it's my own life I have to deal with. My time as Anne-Marie was paradise compared to what I'm going through lately. It was okay that I didn't feel comfortable because I wasn't supposed to be. Once I accepted that rock bottom level, everything became surprisingly easy. The sex didn't hurt. Well, sometimes it did... she was not a spry woman, that Anne-Marie.

I just need to shake myself out of this state of paralysis. I don't know what I want, and I can't get enthusiastic about anything. I'd try a shrink, but I don't think I'd be able to really open up. As you know, I've been through some weird, weird things.

It's just that I guess I expected going back to my life to be, well... my life, the life I left, despite the chaotic state I left it in. Employment or no, Alia was supposed to be a big part of that. And every time I see Crystal, it's just a harsh reminder. It's even worse when I was Anne-Marie and I saw a pretty young girl, and my brain kept expecting a reaction from a penis that wasn't there. I can't win.

The title of this entry is because I was thinking about all this while I was browsing Facebook. All the photos I have of Alia are outdated, from before either of us were changed, years ago when we were last dating. I have a lot of good memories of those times, and a lot of bad ones.

My hope, oddly enough, is that when she comes back, things won't be the same as they were back then, because I was kinda... lousy. Sometimes, anyway. I want to be a better man and I am tearing my hair out trying to figure out what that really means. I've been thinking about going back and finishing school, although that's not my favourite option. She and I have been talking it over on MSN. It was her idea.

But for now I'm stuck in this life that is just a few degrees off from the one I want and it's driving me mad. Someday, she will be back and we'll figure things out then (knock on wood) but until then, I've got my moping to go back to.

Then again, it feels wrong to keep up my moping when there are folks like Cliff and Marc and Greg and Alia out there. For the life of me I wouldn't go back to being Anne-Marie if you paid me (and in a way, it was kind of a profitable experience.) So this isn't a "grass is always greener" thing. It's just a "The grass is greener here but it's still pretty dry."

Which reminds me, there has been some correspondence down south, particularly as pertains to the new Julia and Kalli, but I'm not given to divulging others' personal details... except in all those cases when I already did.

-Todd

Labels: Alia, Anne-Marie, Bryan, Crystal, Todd

posted @ 12:02 AM 2 comments

Marc/Betty: I hate my hair

It's not the only thing about this body - well, this form; it's still my body, isn't it? - that I hate, but it's something that I just can't seem to get any help with. For all the hints Arlene can give me about every other element of being a teenage girl, dealing with African hair is all on me. I'm half-tempted to go out for the swim team just so that I have an excuse to shave it off, but that would mean more time in the locker room.

If Betty were college-aged, that might be fun, although I suppose that in such a case I might be mortified over other people seeing me getting changed, as so many other people who have been through the Inn and changed sex have described. Instead, though, I'm stuck taking a physical education class with a bunch of Grade 9 girls, and how do you not feel like a complete pervert surrounded by 15-year-olds? I usually just try to face the locker as much as I can and not make eye contact. I'm not sure which is worse, feeling disgusted at myself or the idea that I eventually may not feel that way.

Arlene feels it too, at least a little. About a week ago, she came home from a football game late. The Daves didn't much care, and why should they, but she shook me awake as soon as she got in (and I'd just fallen asleep!). I asked what it was, and she said she'd gone out with some of the other cheerleaders and players after the football game, and she'd wound up making out with the quarterback.

I congratulated her and rolled over in bed, but she pulled me back. "I told you when this first happened to me, I don't do kids! He's only seventeen, and he thinks I'm sixteen, so that's trouble no matter how you look at it! And I don't want trouble this time!"

"'This time'. You understand that these aren't our lives, right? That eventually, we're going to be ourselves again?"

She groaned, not wanting to get into the argument over why we haven't heard from the original Betty or Lasker family yet again. It's something we've hashed and rehashed over the past month and a half, generally along the lines of me and Big Dave not wanting to spend the rest of our lives female while Arlene and Little Dave say our lives our better and not to look a gift horse in the mouth. "Look, even if Betty and Heidi do show back up and want their lives back and we can give it to them, do we want to give them back screwed up?"

"So what's the problem? You made out a little, got grossed out, came home."

"What about next time? I've got a ton of teenage hormone juice in me right now, and this may come as a shock to you, but I wasn't so hot at saying no the last time!"

"I imagine you'll get better with practice."

"Yeah, but... Look, Rick and I have a double-date with Justin and Lacey on Friday. I can't back out, and even if this is temporary like you say, I don't want to leave Heidi with a bad reputation. Could you come with us? Be our fifth wheel, help me put on the brakes when I need to? I'll get better at this, I promise, but until I do..."

"Damn it, Arlene..."

"I'll find out what Keisha does with her hair. Her straight, beautiful hair."

"Fine! Just let me sleep!"

So the next day, Arlene asked one of the black girls on the squad how she got her hair straight, saying that "Betty" envied it but didn't want to look like she was ashamed of her African-ness. It turns out it's done with some chemical goop called "relaxer". We bought a container of it at a CVS before meeting the others for the movie (is it me, or is the beauty products section of a drug store much smaller here than it is back home?).

I was oddly excited about getting that stuff under control, and then the previews before the movie included one for a documentary with Chris Rock that shows that the stuff is incredibly toxic and corrosive, so that gunk got thrown in the trash on the way out. I'll deal with brushing if the alternative is something that can burn my scalp. As I said, this is still my body, and who knows if any sort of damage to it will carry over should I get to be myself again?

Arlene did, at least, promise to treat me to a trip to a hair salon as a "birthday" present (Betty's 17th was last week). Nice of her, I guess, and I don't have any reason to be suspicious of it, the same way I may of the restaurant gift certificate that arrived a few days later.

-Marc

Labels: Arlene, Betty, Daves, hair, Heidi, high school, Marc

posted @ 12:17 AM 1 comments

Cliff/Tori: Weekend Away

What a week it's been. Going away last weekend kinda threw me off and I just didn't feel like summarizing the whole weekend, but I figured I'd better get around to it by now.

As I was making plans to go to Louisville to see Tori and Rob, I realized how difficult it is to just up and do something like that independently when you live with your "family." Obviously I never would have just up and took off out of state when I was living with my parents, because A) I had nowhere to go and B) No money to get there. The first point, as you can tell, is settled. I shouldn't need much occasion to see the person whose face I am wearing. The second point, well, that's one of the pleasant side-effects of living with Tori's family. I don't pay rent, contribute minimally to the groceries, don't buy clothes and spend relatively little on entertainment. I make a healthy wage and it's all just sitting in Tori's bank account. So I figured I could stand a $300+ plane ticket to Louisville. (Compare a 2-hour flight to a 17-hour bus ride at maybe half the cost. Somewhere, my mom is sensing that I spent nearly $200 when I didn't have to, and sighing.)

I arrived early on Saturday morning and found a smartly-dressed young woman waiting for me. I was a little uncertain about meeting her. She had sent me a photo to show what she looked like, but if you've ever met someone online (for example) you'll know that sometimes photos are deceptive.

She turned to see me. Her eyes lit up with recognition mixed with awe. In heels she was considerably taller than me in running shoes. She had straight, shoulder-length brown hair and wore a blouse and skirt combo. (I just typed that and wondered whether I would've described her in the same way when I was a man.) Similar body type to Tori. By the end of the weekend I resented how close both she and Rob had landed to their original bodies.

She led me to the parking lot excitedly, going on at lightspeed about how incredible it was to finally see me, that is herself, and made it very clear that she was both disturbed and fascinated that a guy like me had become her (aren't we all?) She hardly let me get a word in edgewise and peppered me with commentary about her current life. We got to her car and she talked about how she was still getting used to driving. Tori has a license, of course, but as you might've guessed from my descriptions she didn't exactly have a set of wheels of her own.

We got to the house, an upper middle class place in the suburbs, to drop off my luggage. If the entire Trading Post experience is a roll of the dice, it seemed to pay off for Rob and Tori, who became Gary and Karen Costas. In addition to no gender mix-up, Rob has a junior exec job at a beverage corporation (read: liquor.) Karen is a young intern and fill-in weathergirl at one of the local stations. I can't remember if it was CBS or NBC or what, but anyway. Apparently she's got limited room for advancement due to not being a trained meteorologist, but hey, that's why she's a fill-in.

My point is, financially, they're well off, good-looking, healthy people and the longer I spent with them, the more it ate away at me. I told myself it was nothing to worry about, that it probably had something to do with the curse putting pressure on my perception of them. I'm so used to thinking in terms of "The curse does this or that" that I can hardly tell what I'm actually thinking anymore anyway, or what is magic, or what is Tori's body. It can be... complicated.

"Gary" came out from the den to greet me, and I caught this look in his eye, this very unnerving "I've seen you naked and it doesn't matter to me that you're really a guy" look. I tried to avoid addressing him directly. After showing me the house Tori whisked me away for "girl time."

This, of course, necessitated going out to the mall. Still absorbed in herself, Tori said that she gets that it may not be my thing, but as Karen she has so much extra money and has no idea what else to do with it, besides it could be fun for me.

"I mean, it's just so weird," she says, "I look at you, and I see... me. It's like having a twin. You're this whole stranger person who looks exactly like me. But I know, I mean, you've told me about yourself. It's just so hard to put the two together." I should note that I was slightly girled-up in low-rise jeans and a black girl-tee with a pink design on it.

We went for lunch and I caught her up on what I'd been doing with her life. I told her what I was doing for a living, how I was trying to keep up her friendships with Raine and Sara, and she just sighed wistfully. The conversation didn't seem to gain much momentum, which I thought odd.

She'd said that she had wanted to meet Alia, but apparently, he had something else going on this weekend and so couldn't join me (also, no money) so I was going to have to be her gal pal. She dragged me through the stores, put me through the motions. I felt like I was her kid and she was a mommy having to keep me from wandering off to the electronics department.

But I bore with her because of my whole "Torification" thing, I'm trying to take an interest in my appearance. It's just that, looking around some of the fancy stores she was shopping in, there was nothing in there I could actually see myself wanting to wear, as much as I'd adjusted. Finally, she caught on and with a glint in her eye got an idea. Her mission was now to find me my style.

In stark contrast to her younger sister, Tori is most definitely a girly girl, and so I've had to put up with a certain level of femininity in my wardrobe choices. But, she said, it's remarkable what they're doing with tomboy fashions lately. It wasn't necessarily her style, but that didn't mean "she" (meaning me, in her body) couldn't pull off that kind of look.

Suddenly she seemed a lot more approachable and open-minded about this whole thing and I actually ended up walking around with a considerable amount of shopping bags. Once I stepped back and really looked at myself, it was really remarkable. Fashion I could get behind, but still feel like myself. I must've bought every variety of flannel shirt in American Eagle, which is weird because I could've sworn I hated that place.

We came home to find Rob cooking. Tori looked just a little put out by the concept; neither of them was much of a cook but they were trying. The results were less than impressive, some overcooked chicken and mushy potatoes. Not that I'm much of a cook either, most of what I make comes out of the microwave.

As we ate, Rob looked me over and said, "So... Cliff, right? Man, I don't know what I'd be doing if I was you. I'd just be going crazy." I felt a little embarrassed. I didn't want to talk about it, but I knew the topic had to come up eventually.

"I'm just taking it one day at a time, really," I answered non-committaly.

"I saw all those shopping bags you came in with," he smirked, probably thinking he was being funny, "Did the inn make you like shopping?"

Grimacing, I responded, "I just... wanted some stuff of my own to wear. No big deal." He nodded, faux-understandingly. Tori chastised him, "Don't be rude."

After a brief and painful silence, during which I finished my food, my phone began to ring. Tori jumped at the sound of it, then seemed slightly embarrassed at her (rather appropriate) reaction. I grabbed it and wandered toward the stairs for some privacy.

It was Tori's mom, checking in. For a cover story, I had told them I was meeting up with some "new friends" I had met over the summer, which I guess isn't far from the truth. She quizzed me what the house was like, who they were, was I doing fine. It's weird, she hadn't seemed overly protective when I was actually at home with her, but she was quite overt here. When I assuaged her fears, she let me off.

Tori came by to see me exhaustedly hanging up. "Is she always like this?"

She shrugged "If I had to guess, it has to do with disappearing in Maine for weeks." True enough. "Sorry about the little display down there. Rob's a really cool guy but he can be very embarrassing."

"How did you start... seeing him?"

"It's just one of those things. I met him through a friend who was his wife's hairdresser. When I met him they were still together and then, I dunno, things happened."

She wasn't being very clear, but I guess she was giving up all the details she wanted to. Which, I should add, is one of the frustrating things about the Inn life, never feeling like you've got the whole story, walking around in the dark, never sure what they next weird thing to come up will be.

"So, how is married life for you guys, anyway?"

She sighed. "It's... weird. Like, he is really anti-marriage, after everything with his wife, ex-wife, whatever. So it's more like we're dating, or we're roommates who fuck. Except, not so much."

"Oh. Sorry to hear that."

"It's... okay, I guess. I don't know. We weren't that close, I just wanted to go someplace. After Raine and Sara ditched me for Europe I was lonely and he had the whole Inn thing worked out with good timing." She laughed in spite of herself. The way she'd said "Raine and Sara" struck me as slightly bitter, although they have never seemed anything but kind to me. So I asked.

"It's not that they're mean, we're totally best friends forever, but haven't you noticed they sometimes act slightly superior? Sara has a good job. Raine is getting her Masters. And I couldn't keep a job cutting hair. What the fuck is wrong with me?"

I wanted to comfort her, so I said, "I guess you just hadn't found your way yet. There's nothing wrong with that, you're only 22. You'll still have plenty of options open when you get back."

She paused and contemplated that for a moment, then changed the subject. "So, how about a fashion show? You and me. I didn't get a chance to see you, me, whoever, in some of these clothes."

I was a little hesitant, and sighed. "Okay, let me go change."

She stopped me, "No, no. Don't be lame. Go ahead, change right here."

"What, in front of you?"

"Cliff, it's my body. I know what it all looks like."

"Yeah, but..." There was a really logical way of objecting to this but I couldn't come up with the exact wording. So I just said "Whatever" and began to disrobe. It wasn't until I had my pants half off that I realized why I hadn't wanted to go through with it.

She said through suppressed laughter, "Oh my God. Cliff. You're wearing a thong."

Yes, dear readers. What can I tell you. Tori only left me so many pairs of regular-cut panties, and sue me, I haven't gotten around to buyning my own. Once I tried them on (Torification, Torification, Torification,) I didn't see much of a difference, since I don't have to concern myself with my junk hanging out. I felt my face beaming with embarrassment. It was a new low in "not feeling like a guy" and her chuckles embarrassed me, even though she assured she saw nothing wrong with me.

"You know," she told me, "I know you're a guy and everything, inside, but I have to say. You make a really cool girl-friend. Once you open up a little bit, you're really fun to be around." I said thanks, I've had a lot of female "just-friends" (sigh) so maybe I picked some stuff up, or maybe it's just the way I am. It's the kind of compliment that also hurts a little.

I dressed myself in a new outfit. She approached. She approved of the outfit, but began to play around with my hair obsessively. "Honestly," she said, "I can't believe nobody's noticed what you're doing to my hair," she was half-kidding. "It's awful. I have a reputation."

She got really close. Almost uncomfortably so. Our boobs touched. We were eyeball to eyeball. I haven't been had a girl that close to my face in a very, very, very long time. I realized there that, one slight muscle reflex and I could've kissed her. And then what? She objects to making out with herself? How could she blame me? It would've shown Rob, and myself, that deep down I am still a man.

But I didn't. I just let her run her fingers through my hair - an intimate gesture for sure - feeling weird about the whole thing, wondering if I was turned on even by this. Oh, God, I still don't know.

Sunday was a blur as we did some touristy things, took some photos, (there's some really nice forestry by the Ohio river) and then that evening they took me back to the airport. I got in after midnight Sunday. Mae was up, channel surfing, but we didn't have time for our usual witty repartee as I just wanted to flop down in bed, which I did, in my clothes.

Obviously there's stuff I'm omitting, but if it becomes important, I'll mention it later. I have to work tomorrow and I've been writing for what feels like hours

Labels: Cliff, Gary, hair, Karen, Louisville, Mae, Rob, shopping, thong, Tori

posted @ 1:02 AM 2 comments

Cliff/Tori: Torification Continues

As I type this, my fingertips are a blur of red nail polish. I crossed a number of items off the list this weekend in one go, and I'll tell you why/how, and why it's got me slightly depressed.

I've been working more lately, since I got off newbie probation, 5 days a week I spend all evening on the phone. My life officially has no room for professional advancement until I return to the Inn. It's been wearing me out, a fact not lost on Raine and Sara, Tori's friends, and therefore mine by default. Raine recently came on MSN (which I tend to avoid, but I needed to talk to Tori for reasons I'll explain later) and accused me of avoiding her, which is true. It's not that I don't like Sara and Raine, of course, it's just that the more time I spend with them is more time I have to be "in character."

Around the house, nobody seems to notice or care how I behave. I don't have to deal with Tori's family in any really serious way so I'm comfortable doing whatever comes naturally, and confining myself to my room or the living room or the kitchen table. Nobody notices more than a moment if I say something Tori might not, because the conversational topics are limited to household chores, "how was your day" and things like that.

But in social situations, those few times over the last few months when I'm stuck with Sara and Raine, I have to figure out how to be Tori, not just Cliff in a Tori suit. It's agonizing because no matter how much I wear the clothes and look the part, there's a very large chunk of me that does not operate in the mindset of a girl like Tori. A girl who cares about fashion and celebrities and boys. You can't fake that stuff, so when the conversation drifts that way, I just glaze over, making the whole experience painful for everyone.

So I avoid. It's a more comfortable lifestyle, but not a very fulfilling one. So when Raine made her case to me, I was willing to listen. She claimed it was clear I was becoming hermit-like because of work dissatisfaction (not entirely unlikely) and that the cure was just to come out with the girls like "I" used to. Feeling stir-crazy (even in my romantic-loser years, I was never this much of a shut-in) I bit the bullet and decided that maybe it was worth a shot. but on one condition. I was going to give them Cliff.

As much as I expect to be unmasked as an impostor (an irrational fear I guess) nobody seems to notice when I just act like Cliff. So I resolved to just be myself, to not even try pretending. I mean, that's part of the curse, isn't it? At worst they'll think I'm just being weird. Sound reasoning, I thought.

So last Friday night after work, Thom gave me a lift over to the bar. Thom and Sara, you'll remember, I accidentally walked in on in the middle of some serious business. It was never revealed whether they knew what I'd seen, and it was several weeks before they actually admitted their relationship. I was happy for them when they did, which I guess is my first indication that I do care about these people like friends.

So Raine and I were the "single girls" out with the couple at a bar, kind of a dive sports bar where girls drink beer, nor cosmos. For the first while, I was quiet, chiming in when called upon but otherwise just observing. I didn't mind being the quiet one. Then Cyndi from work showed up with her boyfriend, whose name I didn't get, and it started to look more like a double-date as those two got acquainted with Thom and Sara and Raine and I were the fifth and sixth wheels. Eventually we broke away from the pack.

I find Raine kind of interesting. Maybe her figure isn't ideal, and her looks aren't picture-perfect, but she seems very sweet and funny and cool and frankly not unattractive. I can't remember exactly what we talked about, but I remember it not being all-out girliness. I think we started to relate once she realized I didn't really want to talk about hair and make-up (which must've seemed odd on some level since Tori is a former hairdresser.)

It's all very confusing to me as I'm trying to determine whether this means I like her, or have some kind of girl-crush, or if I just consider a friend. I just find myself drawn to her when I am around her, and yet not nervous, because she's not treating me like a guy who might want to sleep with her, and that, oddly gives me confidence. Also I was tipsy from two and a half beers by the time we got a pool table.

She took me by the shoulders and looked down toward me (she's slightly taller than Tori, which somewhat emphasizes her curviness) and grinned girlishly, "I know what your problem is. We need to get you laid."

"No!" I resisted, "No, no, no. I'm... celibate right now. Okay? I'm on a break. That is the last thing I want or need." I'm fairly confident that if I wanted sex I could probably get it. Any guy would want someone like Tori, and more to the point I'm sure that if I walked into a lesbian bar I'd be pretty popular too. So I got an idea, since I saw some of the guys looking over at the two of us, I wanted to help Raine get some of that attention. I had a plan, based on something that happened to me a few years ago.

We started to play pool, badly, as a result of my being pretty uncoordinated as a girl and also, as I said, tipsy. This guy came over and started giving me advice. He smelled like dissipated aftershave and I could tell he really thought he had it going on. Shaved head, half-beard, v-neck sweater, I didn't know what to think of the guy, but after chatting him up just a little bit, I happened to mention my "Boyfriend in Iraq"and tried to shift the guy's attention over to Raine. Eventually, she cast the guy away, or maybe he just moved on. The second guy didn't take any interest in her, and the third guy got her number but didn't seem overly enthused.

"You're a good friend, Tor," she said drunkenly at the end of the night, "Those guys were mostly losers, but it was fun." Then she invited me out the next night. I thought, "Hey, I had some fun tonight, too, let's give it a shot." I overcame the fairly major hurdle of enjoying a night out with Tori's friends, opening the door to limitless possibilities.

The next night shut at least one of them pretty hard.

On the Friday night, I didn't pay too much attention to my appearance. I was coming straight from work so I was dressed in plain clothes; good, presentable but not flashy. The next night, Raine was having me come out to a club, so I had to wear heels and a tight dress thing. A dress, I might add, with a neckline that made my boobs look absolutely phenomenal.

Anyone who knew I was a guy would probably get some mixed messages. I know I was.

I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered whether it was too much. Lipstick, a bit of mascara on the lashes. Earrings. Painted nails. This really was the whole nine yards. I thought to myself, how much of a shame someone didn't get this life who really wanted it. But I've long since accepted the fact that this is the hand I have been dealt, and for now, I must play it. If I wanted to get out of the house and have fun, I'd have to go along with this, at least for now.

I regretted my decision not to just stay home and watch Saturday Night Live early on when I paid $25 just to get in. I immediately saw a crowded dancefloor of guys grinding on girls, girls shaking their butts. I didn't fit in to any of this. I hung by the bar and ordered a Mojito, a drink just manly enough for me to handle.

It was dreadful. Between loud music, losing Raine early, and waving off repeated attempts to buy me drinks (I should've accepted, I dropped a lot of money by the end of the night, but I didn't wanna lead any guys on.) It was all very unpleasant. And then... it happened.

After several drinks, my constitution loosened, and goaded on by Raine and the two guys she had met, I... got on the dance floor. I thought, how harmless, everyone's doing it, why not just imitate what all the other girls are doing? These guys are just happy to see some jiggling. I have no idea what possessed me to do this. I guess I was just bored of leaning up against the bar not talking to anyone. I paid $25 for a reason, damnit!

After a few songs (it's hard to tell how many, or even if you can call them songs) I went to the ladies' room. It's interesting to me that after years of avoiding sitting on public toilets as much as I can, I now have no say in the matter, but hey, pee-talk should be limited on this blog.

So as I leaned my elbows on my knees to try to stay stable, I heard the "tak tak" of two sets of heels enter the washroom. And I couldn't help but hearing "Did you see that girl out there in the (description of outfit matching my own.) What a loser! If I was her friend I'd be sooo embarrassed. People like that should not be allowed in clubs."

I had to sit there taking this abuse until I finished, and stepped out. They looked at me -- clearly recognizing me -- and acted as if nothing had been said. The bathroom stall is not a cone of silence! Sheesh. They just continued to touch up their make-up.

Raine and I split a cab with the two guys; she with them in the back, me sulking in the front. I woke up the next morning feeling like a total ass (a hung over one at that) and wondering whether I should bother sharing this with the blog world. Obviously I decided yes, since it's all part of the experience, isn't it...

Well. Apart from all that, it's been settled that tomorrow night I will be taking the overnight Greyhound bus to Louisville and visiting the original Tori and Rob. I just figured it was something I had to do at least once, and they said this was a pretty good weekend, although given the travel arrangements I doubt I'll be doing it again. And before you ask, yes, I do plan to go back to Buffalo sometime too.

Labels: Cliff, Cyndi, drinking, Raine, Sara, Thom, Tori

posted @ 6:28 PM 0 comments

Alia/Rob: (Real) Thanksgiving Thoughts

I checked the calendar today to remind myself that this weekend was Thanksgiving in Canada. It might not be the healthiest thing in the world but I allowed myself to get nostalgic. The past doesn't seem that far away, and Todd keeps reminding me that before long, I'll be back where I belong. If has has anything to say about it, that is.

Fall always puts me back in the state of mind of my early University days. Even before all this, I marveled at how much things had changed over the years. It was fall 2003 when I first met Todd, this comparatively dangerous-looking boy who kept catching my eye in a couple classes, and whom I swore I'd seen glancing back my way once or twice.

I was living in the dorms and I guess one of the girls he was involved with was on the same floor because one day I caught the elevator with him and he struck up a conversation and I thought it was probably too good to be true because he seemed genuinely friendly and not only that, far more intelligent and well-spoken than his rough exterior. He was sarcastic but kind, and he had opinions but was not preachy. Before I knew it, I was swept up in this whole group of people, some of whom were utterly full of shit, some were legitimate individuals. And as much as I did not want to fall for someone like Todd -- I knew (or figured) going in, that I'd be hurt in the end -- it happened that we were drawn together. And I guess I was the last girl standing. For a while, anyway.

By the end of the semester, we were an item, and as much as I resisted, I had to bring him home to meet my parents around Christmas. It was pretty much as bad as I expected, although not as bad as I feared, if that makes sense. Dad had resolved not to like him no matter who he was, and mom saw he was trouble from the beginning. But he was on his best behaviour, played the good suitor for my dad and charmed my mom. It was a rough start but after some consideration they determined he was not the worst boy in the world.

I tried to limit their contact with him, though. It wasn't until much later they saw his darker side, especially after he resigned himself to a certain state of life and our relationship started falling apart (repeatedly.) And that was still a long while before the break-up that led to him coming to Maine.

But for a long while, we were fixtures at each others' family Thanksgivings. It reminds me of the first time I met his whole family, which of course also features part of Bry's family, since Bry's dad is Todd's step-uncle. It was a choice between helping/hindering the women in the kitchen or sitting in the living room with the men watching the Leafs and scratch themselves. I guess there's nothing wrong with the traditional female role, and looking back, those ladies were some tough cookies. I fit in well with them, and I've missed them. I hope Todd, this weekend, has found some way to send my love, even if I might be there in body. Sigh.

Instead, I'm sitting here feeling nostalgic. I contemplated doing something, going out, having a drink, but instead quietly cooked dinner for one and sat on the computer not doing anything particularly productive.

I pine for those innocent Undergrad days because, let me tell you, I much prefer them to the awkward teenage years that preceded them, which I seem to relive on a daily basis at work. I feel like I'm cursed to watch these kids play out the usual teenage drama, barred from providing any useful advice or assurance that things will get better, because really, when I was a kid, I didn't believe my teachers when they said stuff like that.

The weird/funny thing, I guess, about being in a high school environment is that it even makes adults -- REAL adults, not just fake ones like me -- regress a bit. Sure, there are jaded older teachers who've been here forever, but ones around Rob's age, like Dean and Cathy, have a way of slightly adapting the attitudes of the students, I guess because we're young enough to still relate, not so old that we feel completely detached and deeply embedded in our authority figure roles. It's kind of a dangerous position because when it's time to be firm with a student, you have trouble really asserting yourself. Or at least I do.

Dean and Cathy would be the supporting characters of my little story as Rob. I eat lunch, I make funny excuses not to talk much about my (Rob's) life, despite them having known Rob for a few years at least. Don's a nice guy, in a long-term relationship but is still glad to talk about girls like he is available. Perhaps too glad. Cathy, I don't know her deal. She's mentioned a few guys before, but I guess none of them are all that serious. We all eat lunch together, I don't mind having them as friends, I imagine it's kind of like what Todd, Bry and I will be like in5 or 6 years, if Todd and I aren't together.

Thy have interest in the mostly-nonexistent details of Rob's bachelor life. They seemed somewhat scandalized when I let it slip that "a girl" stayed the night last weekend. Sorry, Cliff, heh. I told them it was completely innocent...

Anyway, I just felt like spelling my guts a bit tonight, all the nostalgia and all, and Todd's busy with family stuff, unable to put up with my little flashbacks, so here I am. hope you've enjoyed it.

Alia/Rob

Labels: Alia, Bryan, Cathy, Cliff, Dean, Rob, Thanksgiving, Todd, Tori

posted @ 12:20 AM 2 comments