Caleb/Rylee: Living Truthfully in Extraordinary Circumstances (Part II)

Let’s rewind a bit from before the start of my last post.

Paige and I were at the gym doing a cool down run as I relayed the events from my card tournament “date” with Joshua. I had expressed my ambivalence about going any further with it, being a little vague about the details of why. Paige, of course, seemed to think things were easy.

“Just do it, what’s the problem? He’s cute, he’s available, and clearly into you if he went out of his way to indulge in your nerd hobby. Honestly, surprised it took this long for him to make a move on you. Practically glacial paced compared to everyone else.”

Yeah, apparently theater people worked fast. It hadn’t taken long before our theater major cohort became a complicated network of relationships. Most of it has just been some hook-ups, a couple developing relationships, and I think there’s at least one poly throuple in there somewhere of two guys and a girl (lucky her?). As one of the few straight guys in the musical theater concentration – which isn’t 100% gay but, like, it’s definitely a higher percentage than the normal population – Joshua apparently had been approached by some of the other girls. Made me feel kind of bad about apparently holding out for me.

Still, just because everyone else was horn dogging it through the start of the semester didn’t mean I had to, at least that’s what I thought.

“Didn’t realize class was meant to be a dating show,” I snarked back.

Paige just offered a shrug.

“I mean, it’s not, but put a bunch of horny extraverts together and it’s only a matter of time till people take advantage of it. The tight clothing and physical intimacy of some of those exercises totally doesn’t help.”

“Yeah, well, not sure I’d describe myself as either of those things.”

At least, if I was in my regular body I’d be confident in saying I was neither horny nor an extravert. While Rylee’s body wasn’t unbearably craving sex, the feelings I was having and the, uhm, dreams that had occurred at times suggested that it was at least open to negotiations about it. I also didn’t feel as tired dealing with people for prolonged periods of time as I did before either, though I wasn’t exactly making myself the life of the party like Rylee’s journal entries suggested she liked to be. If I was Kaitlyn I’d probably go on some kind of tangent about nature vs nurture here, but point is my certainty about my identity was still rather loose as my mind and body kept trying to find a new baseline.

“Still, sounds to me that there’s at least a little spark there, so hey, why not?”

“It’s…complicated. Like, I’m just really having trouble envisioning myself with a guy.”

She raises an eyebrow, and remembering there were lesbians in our cohort I clarified.

“I mean in a sexual way. I’ve dated guys before.”

Well, Rylee had, at least. As Caleb I was romantically drawn to women, but so far I can’t really say that had carried over to Rylee.

“Oh, so are you ace or something?”

“Probably not. There’s, uh, feelings there but not sure I really want to pursue them?”

“Maybe demi, then? Or maybe you just like taking it slow. Not everyone’s a Mia and Naomi after all.”

Two girls from class that had hooked up literally the first week of school and got a dorm room switch approved of right after. People were already joking about them being the college equivalent of U-haul lesbians.

“Point is, sooner or later I’m sure Joshua’s going to expect that if we’re dating he’s going to get something out of it, and I’m not sure I really want to deal with that right now.”

“Easy then, just tell him you want to just be friends, duh.”

“…yeah, I guess I could try that.”

At least, that was the plan till my conversation with Dr. Price, which leads us back to where the last post ended.

“Ok, just one date isn’t going to hurt anything. You got a body that wants this, so why keep fighting it? Just experiment a little?”

While I had the courage to do so, I texted Joshua if he was up for that dinner he owed me tonight – admittedly relying on the fact that there was now a new 42 card banlist to talk about as an excuse. I had barely finished hitting send before getting confirmation he was totally up for dinner. Clearly he was excited.

“God I hope this isn’t a mistake,” I muttered to myself.

Wanting to lean into the idea of this being an actual date, I tried to throw together something nice. There was this kind of sweater-dress thing in Rylee’s clothing, with a belt to help show off the waist. It had apparently thrown him off a bit as he did a double take to confirm it was me when we met up. To be fair that was basically the first time he’d ever seen me in anything that wasn’t jeans and a t-shirt or workout clothes. Funny it got such a reaction out of him when, in terms of showing off skin, it was still more clothing than what I wore to class. Guess context means a lot.

“Just, you know, figured I’d dress up a bit when you’re going through all this trouble to take me to such a classy place,” I say, giving a smile and getting up next to him, trying to initiate some physical contact as we start walking.

“Yeah, it, uh, looks nice on you,” he said, apparently a little unsure of how to handle the situation at hand as we headed towards a diner that was just off campus.

Which, to be fair, I think was totally on me. It’s easy to say you’re going to just try and go with the flow and follow what your gut says, another to actually do it. Even if I knew my body could get excited about Joshua, I had figured that to get myself mentally in line with it I needed to try and fake a little excitement and energy. You know, act the part of the girl looking to get with a guy and, well, we all know how bad my acting grades are. I’m sure he could sense it as we chatted through dinner, laughing a little more at what I presumed were his jokes or leaning forward a bit to tighten the dress and make my chest look more prominent. I’m sure the more experienced guys-became-girls from the Inn would get a nice bit of nostalgic cringe looking at me try and figure out how you flirt as a girl.

Still, we got through the dinner ok enough, but when we started the walk back to campus and I tried cuddling up again he finally spoke up.

“Hey, uh, can we talk for a second?” he said as he backed away from me.

“Let me guess, I was coming on too strong?”

“Yes? No? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was hoping eventually you’d try coming on to me, but like the vibes were just kind of weird, like you were forcing yourself to do it.”

“Yeah, guess you see why I got a C+ for the acting midterm,” I say, trying to defuse the tension a little. “But, I mean, I do like hanging out with you, and I know you’re into me so, I don’t know, I figured I was obligated to at least try and see if I was into you like that?”

“…I mean, are you into me?”

I look him up and down, taking a pause at his eyes, a mix of confusion and desire.

“I…don’t know? Look, I just got some hangups around dating and sex right now and – “

“Whoa, hold on a moment, I didn’t say anything about wanting sex.”

I just give him a flat look. Even as an ace guy, I was still around other guys who weren’t. Sex was definitely something most of them were quite adamant about desiring.

“Ok, so I wouldn’t have been against it either, but it’s not any fun if you’re not into it. So, like, don’t feel like you got to throw yourself at me just to keep me around to talk nerdy card shit. I can live with keeping things slow, or even just being friends.”

I cross my arms as I think, keeping them low to not boost up my bust.

“Yeah, I think I’d rather stick with just friends if you’re fine with that. I’m just trying to work some stuff out right now, and like I guess if I had to fool around with someone I guess I’d pick you- “

“Wow, super flattering endorsement,” he said, clearly find it more amusing than an insult.

“Oh shut it. Point is, I got some shit to work out, and I’d be hesitant to throw myself at any kind of guy. But who knows, give it a few months and maybe I’ll be cooler with it, I don’t know. It’s a weird deal.”

“Well, hey, if in a few months you want to upgrade to friends with benefits or something I won’t complain, but don’t be surprised if in the meantime I get snatched up by someone else,” he says, giving me a smile and a self-confident wink.

“Hey, if you do, glad you got laid. No point hanging around for me if someone else calls.”

Honestly, it would be a whole lot easier if he just hooked up with someone else instead of waiting on some Trading Post Inn victim to sort out their gender and orientation dysphoria. Maybe I could throw him Sydnee’s way or something?

“Anyway, sorry to make the night all weird. Was trying to follow some advice Dr. Price gave me about loosening up and just going with my gut instinct more often. Since I thought maybe there was something between us it was worth trying but guess still couldn’t quite override whatever nonsense is going on in my brain right now.”

“It’s cool. I like that you try and think about stuff instead of just winging it.”

After that, the rest of the walk slid back into random small talk about Halloween plans. Paige was going to be dragging me to some off-campus party. Since it was open invite I gave him the details, figuring maybe he could find someone to hook up with there to help assuage a little bit of the guilt I was feeling, and we called it a night.

So, yeah, all that anxiety ended up just leading nowhere. It’s probably for the best. As much as this body’s making me feel sensations I’m not used to, at the end of the day I’m still me. I’m sure given enough time some kind of equilibrium will be established, and I’ll actually want to try and experiment a little, but for now just going to go along for the ride.

- Caleb/Rylee

Rusty/Monica: What's a good costume idea for Katey's party?

Not for me - I binged She-Hulk a couple months ago and took a friend of Razzy's up on her offer to help us out by having her make me a bodysuit that looks a little sturdier than swimwear that I can wear under one of my sexier work outfits that's starting to show a little wear.  I'm not saying I've actually picked a time when I'm gonna Hulk out and shred the suit, but if I do, it'll go out with a bang, and it won't matter whether or not the green makeup will wash out.  Am I kind of teasing Dad here, considering she still grumbles about putting makeup on when going to work or on a date?  Maybe a little!

I'm actually asking for her and Jonah, mostly, because their discussions on the topic have not gotten exactly heated, but it's been more of a thing than you might expect.  The invitation Katey and Omar sent out for their "Halloween Housewarming" party specified no repeats, less because we've kind of tended to see what was already in the closet from the original girls' college days but because one of Omar's friends apparently wears the same thing every year and I guess there's some weird story to it that makes everyone uncomfortable even if no-one wants to confront him about it. Katey figured this would solve the problem without that guy feeling targeted, but now I guess some of them are being sticklers about it and Dad feels pressured. 

Which wouldn't have been a big deal - even without a semi-pro friend-of-a-friend, it's not like places selling costumes are hard to find in the City - but Jonah thought it would be fun to do a couple's costume.  Sounds good, except Dad's a busty white girl who tends to think like a middle-aged man and Jonah's a black man who still thinks like an older white woman at times and, as a result, a lot of what they see in the costume shop seems to baffle them or feel like "not quite us".  I've told them that they're a natural basketball player and cheerleader, but that just makes them grumble like they'd have to act the parts all night.

I'm looking forward to it, though - Katey and I text a lot and see each other at trivia every Monday, but I've missed having a chance to just hang out with her or do something on a whim.  I'm not going to monopolize her on Saturday, but if the party's mostly Omar's friends, maybe we'll be able to chat more.  She's teasing me about wanting to see what they've done with the place I found for them, and I've gotta admit, I kind of do.  It's surprisingly satisfying to get paperwork signed when people are excited to move in, and I don't find myself sorting on the office wondering how that cool woman from a couple months ago was doing, but they were never my brother and I kind of wonder what Katey's place is like, as opposed to Kutter's.

And then, after that, I suppose it's time for Dad and I to really get serious about finding someone to fill her old room.  Rent's going to be a little tighter this weekend!

- Rusty/Monica

Caleb/Rylee: Living Truthfully in Extraordinary Circumstances (Part I)

On paper, the midterm for my acting class seemed: pick a monologue from a contemporary play and perform it in class. Do some self-reflection, provide feedback to your peers, and that was that. Not having a good reference pool, I picked something from that She Kills Monsters thing I went to back in the summer, a part where the lead is lamenting how she missed out on having a relationship with her sister and had nothing left of her but a stupid D&D campaign module.

I got a C+.

And sure, Cs get degrees, but I still got called in for an advisor meeting with Dr. Price.

“So, Rylee, the good news is that on an intellectual level you seem to understand the material. Where you seem to be struggling is just translating that understanding into your performances. To keep it simple, your sense of timings are off, and your emotional reactions could just go a little bit farther. Right now, it feels like there’s some kind of blockage that’s keeping you from projecting and expressing yourself.”

Yeah, because I’m not myself is what I wanted to say, but there wouldn’t be any point trying to explain everything about the Inn and how I’m not really Rylee. Instead, all I could leave it at was just kind of vague freshman identity angst.

“Yeah, well, I guess you can say I’ve been struggling a little being myself lately,” I replied, arms crossed in front of me out of defensive habit.

She looks at me sympathetically. At her age I doubt I’m the first freshman facing some kind of identity crisis coming into college. Just, you know, a particularly unique one.

“I understand. The transition to college can be challenging for many people. Being away from home, interacting with lots of new people, exposure to new experiences. And not to brag, but I like to think theater is particularly good at bringing out new sides to people.”

She chuckles to herself.

“Still, based on the audition tape you sent, I’m surprised the adjustment has proven so difficult. You seemed rather comfortable with the stage, so the sudden nervousness is a little puzzling.”

I offer a shrug, again at a loss at how to provide a satisfactory answer.

“I don’t know what to say. I’m just a lot more self-conscious and unsure of myself lately, just trying to figure out how to get through this year and hopefully be more myself again.”

She taps her fingers on her desk for a second before continuing.

“If I can offer some advice, I think what might be the problem is you’re getting too caught up in your head when what you should be caught up in is the moment.”

I roll my eyes a bit at the statement while she pulls up a recording of my performance. After just a few seconds she pauses and points at my head.

“See, during your performance you kept looking towards me. Why were you doing that?”

“Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Monitor the audience for cues?”

She wiggles her hand.

“Kind of. While it’s good to be cued into how the audience is reacting, there is such a thing as demanding too much feedback. If you’re too busy looking the audience for a sign of approval, you’re not going to be focused enough on the scene. Before you worry too much about the audience, you should be trying to engross yourself in the moment that it feels less like acting and more like just being.”

“In other words, I’m overthinking it, right?”

If that was the case, I’m not sure how much I could really do about it. I was an analyst by nature: thinking about the data in front of you was just second nature.

“In a sense. I think you’ll really benefit from the next few weeks as we go over Meisner and his techniques. His approach emphasizes being in the moment and interacting with your partner with instinctual responses that come naturally from your imagined emotional state. ‘Living truthfully under imaginary circumstances’ as he put it.”

“‘Living truthfully’ I think is kind of what I’m having a problem with right now,” I reply.

“Right, one of the burdens of being young, trying to figure out your own truth amongst a constantly fluctuating cast of peers and circumstances.”

Add in new body, sex, and orientation while you’re at it.

“In any case, the point is to develop an instinct for acting grounded in the emotions of the moment rather than relying purely on the intellectual parts of the brain. Even a simple repetition of the same phrase in different tones and inflections can develop tension and intrigue. And if this blockage on stage is because of a similar blockage in your life outside of class, perhaps a similar approach would help? Less head, more gut.”

It’s not my gut that I’m worried about following is what I wanted to reply, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to be explaining all of those particular hangups with her.

Still, as I fiddled on my phone between classes, I couldn’t help but look at my reflection in the screen. All the curves and drives that come from Rylee’s body aren’t an imaginary circumstance, but the actual biological truth of who I am right now. And as weird as it sounds, in some ways it doesn’t bother me at all. The sight of my chest or hips, or the lack of feeling between the legs, doesn’t trigger any kind of sense of alarm or dysphoria anymore but instead just feels ‘normal’. It’s only when thoughts of using those parts for anything other than something for my pants to hang onto that the anxiety creeps in.

Kaitlyn agrees with the sentiment another Inn person once said whatever force gives us these bodies must give us the brain chemistry as well , though obviously filtered through personal experience and upbringing. Still, she theorizes that the people who get through this experience with the least amount of trouble are those who successfully find harmony between the old mind and the new body.

Or, as I guess this Meisner fellow would put it, they figure out how to live truthfully under extraordinary circumstances.

So, that leaves the thing you’re all probably more interested in, my dating life, but I’m going to have to save that for another post. I’m getting a reminder from Paige about some last minute prep for our Halloween costumes.

- Caleb/Rylee

Toby: Dunia's Sex Life (Part 3)

So that last part got hit with a content warning for a bit, and, yeah, I did feel like I was oversharing like crazy there, but there were a couple reasons for it.  First, I figured that if I got too embarrassed when Dunia asked me how it went, I could just point her at the post, but as I was writing it, it felt kind of important to put down how Gerard treated me, kind of for myself.  Like, most of the time, he comes off as this guy who is not just way more open-minded about sex than I've always been, but kind of annoyingly pushy about it, like he just has to come up with the raciest story about why I was missing for all those months or that it's important to for people to know he's had a lot of casual sex with a lot of different types in people in a lot of ways, and I was kind of expecting him to be teasing me or pushing me, and I really wasn't expecting all the "Hey, are you okay with this?" that I got.  I mean, I don't think that I'm a bad or inconsiderate lover or anything, but what would my ex-girlfriends say?  Or did we just never do anything interesting enough to make it necessary?

That's kind of what I wanted to discuss with Dunia when we got a chance to be alone at work the next day, but she was way more interested in all the details, and, no, I wasn't going to say how big Gerard's dick was because that would be saying how big my dick was, and although she said that was hardly fair considering how I knew every inch of her body inside and out now, I said he would probably let her find out for herself.  She said I made it sound like she should, but I don't think she's going to.  A lot of guys, especially, might feel the need to balance the books, but Dunia doesn't seem like that.

Still, it was just a couple days later that I had agreed to get him to and from a doctor's appointment.  I've actually been behind the wheel surprisingly little since becoming Dunia, and it's kind of odd when I think about it, given that I never used transit before and her father is a mechanic, so she knows her cars.  There's no one reason, I don't think, but being afraid of getting caught in Lambert's Porsche, often needing a designated driver, the convenient bus to the airport, and the way all my proportions seem especially off behind the wheel (being shorter means pulling the seat forward and still feeling low, every clutch and stick seems to take extra effort, and though Dunia's closet is full of wedge sandals, working the pedals in them feels weird, and seat belts) all add up to me sort of avoiding it.  That's not very practical for Luis at the moment, though, so I asked her Dad if I could borrow the low-rider for the day, figuring it might be easier for Luis to get in and out of than Dunia's compact, put on some sandals, and headed out.

He must have been waiting by the door when I rang his bell, because he opened it almost immediately, and gave me a quick peck on the top of my head as he mostly concentrating on getting the door open and shut by himself.  It was kind of the same when we got to the car; he didn't seem to like me opening the passenger door for him or putting his crutches on the back seat, but not saying much out loud.  I leaned in for a kiss both at the door and when I got the driver's seat to make it seem less like an errand or an imposition, and he obliged.

The appointment itself was a fitting for a prosthetic leg, and I guess he still doesn't want his girlfriend seeing him like that, so I waited in the lobby and texted with Dunia, who seemed really amused when I asked her what she would do, specifically, if we went back to his place after the appointment.  "Like, you mean, choreography?"  I rolled my eyes and texted back, yeah, do you want me to be pinned underneath him naked and have him all "is that what you do with him, whoever "him" may be?"  She acknowledged that as not good and gave me some tips.

So, when he got out, I let him kind of fumble around more as he tried to do things by himself, at least until we got back to his house and I asked if he wanted me to get him a beer.  While I was doing that, he headed into a ground-floor room that had been quickly converted into a bedroom a couple days earlier, sitting on the edge of the bed when I got there to hand him the bottle and opener.  He drained it pretty quick, and after a bit of chit-chat sitting next to each other, I got on the bed behind him, kneeling and rubbing his shoulders, wondering if I should carry lotion in my bag as well.  He leaned back for a kiss, so I gave him one, and then let it linger as we used our tongues.  After a few minutes, he turned around, which involved a little more hopping and putting some extra weight on my shoulder with one hand than he seemed to want, but soon he was facing me on his own knees.  He kissed me hard and ran his hands all over my body before finally deciding stuff was in the way, undoing the knot behind my neck keeping my halter up, smiling in delight as it fell away to reveal my breasts, which he squeezed and pushed up so he could kiss them.  I weighed telling him to ease up when he was squishing a bit hard and started biting at my nipples, but what I saw when I looked down seemed more like a guy happy to see old friends more than something aggressive or angry, and, besides, it felt good in really new ways.  I kind of clumsily worked on his zipper while he did that, before remembering Dunia say he kind of liked her tongue on his ears and figuring that's about where my head was anyway.

He really liked that, moving his hands down my body and up my skirt.  One hand grabbed at my panties while the other playfully pushed at my chest.  I fell back kind of in slow motion so he'd see that he hadn't really shoved me, which gave him a straight shot to pull my panties down to my knees.  I kind of jackknifed my legs out from under myself so I could spread them a little as he crawled up over my body, kissing my pelvis, belly, boobs, neck and lips along the way as he got everything lined up.

He fucked me harder than Gerard had, and faster, enough that I really didn't have much trouble believing that there hadn't been another girl wherever he'd been deployed, and I didn't have to do much acting to make him believe it was my first time in a while from the intensity.  Just when I thought I was going to come, he slipped an arm under me and rolled over so I was on top of him, and as I braced myself he grabbed my butt and started pushing it so his dick would go in deeper, then I'd push and he'd push and so on.  At some point I saw him wincing a bit and thought, yeah, that does kind of put his dick at an unnatural angle, so I sat up straight and inched forward, starting to go up and down, trying to tuck my hair behind my ears every once in a while as he reached up to touch my breasts, and just as I really felt like I'd got the hang of it, his face twisted as he shot his load and I felt him go limp inside me.  I rolled off and collapsed on the bed next to him, and he kissed me gently on the lips and said he'd missed me.

I was glad to have a reason to look him in the eyes and respond, because seeing his pants down almost to his knees with his semi-limp dick in between was kind of freaking me out, like I'd been running on hormones and adrenaline for the last half hour or whatever, and then I was like, holy shit, Dunia's boyfriend just fucked me thinking I'm her, and that's all kinds of fucked up when you actually think about it rather than vaguely dreading it or trying to take control by making plans or getting caught up in the moment, and I was about to panic and find a reason to run when he kind of surprised me by just pulling his underwear up but pulling his pants down, and asking me if I could get a pair of sweats out of a drawer.  I said sure, trying not to stare at his stump (his left leg ended a couple inches below the knee), and not making any comment as he let me pull them up, and he leaned on me a bit so I could get them up around his butt.  He reached down and tied the empty leg in a loose double knot, explaining that he'd accidentally tripped on it a few times already and this kept it from dragging.

I put my hand on his other knee and asked if he was okay, and he said he didn't know, but he felt better than he had an hour ago. A smiled and made some more idle talk before looking at the time and realizing I was going to have to go straight to the airport.  He said it was okay and kissed me again, then I texted Dunia's father to say the car wouldn't be back until tomorrow before heading out. 

Dunia met me in the employees' changing room with an iced coffee, asking me how it went.  I sips good, she said just good, so I smiled and said real good and that she was a lucky girl.  She said I was the lucky one for the time being, and whether he was a better lover than I was. I said he and Gerard were kind of doing different things, and not just in terms of front or behind, because Gerard had been trying to do something for me, and this was kinda me doing something for Luis.  Not that I was complaining;  he'd been through a lot and deserved it.

"And you're okay?  Really okay, not just because you made a troop feel good?"

I shrugged.  "I just think of it as part of pretending to be you, you know?  I work on my Spanish for when your dad has family over, I learned the job, practiced walking in heels and dressing sexy for when your friends want to go clubbing, and I do this with Luis.  It's fun, don't get me wrong, but not as personal as when your dad says he's proud of you or anything."

I didn't tell her about Luis getting emotional at the end, and just let her punch me on the shoulder.  "Uh-huh.  I'm still giving you the highest rating for going above and beyond on your employee review, and not just because I'll get the benefit.  Now, c'mon, let's go fly. "

- Toby/Dunia

Toby: Dunia's Sex Life (Part 2)

Gerard got right down to it when he sat down across from me in the coffee shop:  "So, do you really want to get fucked with your own dick?  Not gonna lie, I've been thinking about it since the day we first met, but you really don't seem the type."

I gave him some sort of look and said "I mean, not really, but it wouldn't be cool if I freaked out the first time Luis touched me, and who else am I going to ask?"

He snorted.  "See, that's your type - obligation sex.  But is the obligation to Luis or Dunia?  So much drama!"

I rolled my eyes.  "Come on, man, don't make it weird.  Er.  Don't make it weirder."

"Hey, I'm sorry, I guess I'm kind of keyed-up too."  He took a drink from his coffee, looked at me, and decided there wasn't much point in messing around.  "Welp, no need to hang around here.  Let's go."

He'd chosen that Starbucks because it's close to a hotel that quietly rents rooms for the afternoon on an app.  It apparently markets itself as a way to find a spot to rest during a busy day in the city so that the app stores don't boot it out, but I guess everyone knows what it's really for.  The guy at the front desk didn't blink at us as he picked up the key and we went up a couple flights of stairs. 

As soon as we got to the room, he started stripping down right away, raising an eyebrow when I didn't.  Figuring that's what we were there for, I unzipped my skirt and unbuttoned my blouse, stepping out of my heels and standing there in my lacy red bra and panties. 

"Fancy", he says. 

I feel myself blushing as I see his hand already starting to work his dick, and I look away, saying it's weird seeing it from that angle.  He takes a step towards me so we're in close, and since he at least a few inches taller than me, I can feel him poking my belly as he puts a couple fingers under my chin and tilts my head up so we're looking in each other's eyes, and as he leaned in, I took a half step back.  "Sorry", I said, "it's your face."

"Right, right.  Okay, so how about we try it from behind the first time?  After all, I'm sure Luis talks about 'tapping that ass'."

"Yeah, he does."  I shuttered a bit.  "I guess that would work, so long as we're only talking about, you know--"

"Sure, sure.  Just lie face-down on the bed, close your eyes if you want."

I did, twitching a bit as he undid my bra, and then opening my eyes wide as I felt something wet on my back.  "Jesus Christ, did you just--"

I heard him snicker.  "It's just some oil!"  He stayed rubbing it on my back, kneading my shoulders as he straddled me.  "You've got to relax, be ready to enjoy yourself."  I tried, and it was a bit easier than I thought; he clearly knew what he was doing, massaging me from my shoulders down to my knees, doing something with his elbows to my back that felt surprisingly good, and caressing my bottom like he knew I needed a little reassurance there.  Soon, I was relaxed enough to not flinch when I heard a condom package being ripped open, followed by him touching at my panties with his fingers.  He must have seen me tense up as I saw him plant his hands on the bed on either side of my head, because he lowered his head to speak into my ear saying "don't worry, I'm good at this" before sliding into me. 

I gasped in surprise, even though it was what I was there for, I guess because it was so smooth; I don't know if Gerard got fancy condoms and lube or if he's just that good, but I feel like I've felt more resistance on the other end.  I let out a gasp as he started moving in and out with a rhythm, and after a couple times he gave me a peck on the cheek and whispered that I was doing great in my ear.   At some point I scooched my knees up so my butt would be in the air a bit, and he said thanks, and maybe he was waiting for it, but that's about when he found my g-spot and I squealed a bit as he started teasing it with the tip of his dick.  I found myself moaning and making fists with the sheets in my hands, and then something in me released, and I guess he was waiting for that, too, because he exhaled as he blew his load and pulled out.

I sort of collapsed on the bed and said Wow.  He flopped down next to me and said it wasn't all him, that he actually thought I was going to need more coaching.  "Thanks...  I think?"

"Hey, don't take it the wrong way.  Dunia's cis and straight, and I gather a lot of folks don't hold back for a year, or get pushed into something before they're ready.  You could wind in better shape than most when you turn back."  Then he kept it from getting too warm and fuzzy.  "Why don't you give me a hand job so we can try something else?"  I was like excuse me?, and he said just think of it as jerking off, but at half speed, and, hey, Luis is probably going to want you to use your mouth.

So he sat on the edge of the bed and I squatted in front of him and reached out, kind of imagining myself in his position a bit more than I had before.  It was really weird, but I got through it, and soon he was hard again.  He surprised me by spinning me around and pushing toward the wall, and I put my hands up to brace myself while he got his hands on my butt and started massaging.  "Hey!"

"Sorry, but Luis is probably gonna be kind of aggressive, after a year or two."  He got even closer to me and started kissing my shoulder and my neck, while one hand grabbed a breast and started squeezing.  "Is that too hard?  Remember, Luis might not ask, but you don't have to let any man hurt you.  If you don't like something, don't be afraid to say it."

"it's...  I guess it's okay."  He switched shoulders and then brought his other hand down to my pussy, sticking a finger in.  I bit my lip at feeling his hands in both places, and then a little jolt as I felt his thumb making its way into my ass.  "Hey!"

He immediately said sorry and moved his hand up, cradling my breasts and tickling the back of my neck with his tongue.  Then he was inside me again, more urgently, and this time he came a bit before I did, pulling out before I sank to the floor.  He pulled some tissues off the room's desk to wipe his hands before reaching out.  "You all right?"

"I guess."  Seeing him put his underwear on, I let him pull me up, finding my panties on the bed so I could start dressing, guessing there wasn't going to be a third time.  "Well, that was something."

"Hey, like I said, you handled being with a guy for the first time way better than I did.  You at least had an idea that you were supposed to like this; I was kind of trying to prove to myself that I didn't.  Mission not accomplished!"

I had to laugh at that.  "Well, you're a surprisingly good teacher."

He shrugged.  "You're not exactly the first guy I've been with who was nervous about being with another man for the first time and needed to be talked through it, though none of them had a pussy, or such a killer ass."  I blushed and fumbled with my bra, so he sat down next to me, leaned back, and did it up.  "So, what are you going to tell Dunia?"

I sighed.  "That I did it, I guess?  She's actually been on me about knowing I must be getting antsy and hormonal, and I guess she's not wrong.  I thought she was just saying that because she's nice and doesn't want to sound like she's bossing me around, but..."  I flopped back on the bed.  "I really do feel a load off my back, or something."

"Think you're ready for Luis?"

I picked myself up and started putting on my shoes.  "Well, we'll see.  Might need another lesson at some point, though.  I can't imagine Dunia's one to just lie back and let a guy just do stuff to her, you know?"

He laughed and said, no, that didn't really seem to be her style, but give him a call any time, because it will be way kinkier if I'm actually taking the lead more.

That kind of chased me out of the room, hotel, and neighborhood, and I didn't really want to talk to Dunia about what I'd done that afternoon when we got dressed for the flight back to Miami, though I suspect she guessed.  Probably gonna have to do it sometime, and not just because we've got an off-day coming up when I'll probably wind up hanging with Luis and both houses will be empty

-Toby/Dunia

Toby: Dunia's Sex Life (Part 1?)

As you might imagine, Dunia wanted a full report after my first time meeting Luis in person, and she was really encouraging saying I did really well, and that I shouldn't worry about his Mami, saying she actually likes her but is also big on people being on time and had a hair trigger on whether someone was disrespecting her son ever since he'd enlisted, which was funny because she used to call him lazy and good for nothing.

I sort of tried to skip the making-out stuff, and I thought she was going to let me, but she circled back around toward the end to press for details, seeming more wistful than jealous, laughing when I got to the part about how he smelled, saying she didn't really think about that most of the time, but it was true.  I thought we were done, but then she grabbed my hand across the airport Starbucks table, and looked me square in the eyes.  "What would you have done if Senora Hernandez had not slammed that door?"

"I... uh... probably would have said it's been so long and I'm not sure I'm ready?"

She half-smiled in a way Lambert hadn't when he was Alicia, and shook her head.  "Look, I'm not going to say I'm totally okay with you having sex with my boyfriend - it's a little more difficult for me to hear about last night than I thought it would be, but I can handle it - but if he's still going to be my boyfriend next spring, there's no avoiding it.  But it's not just that, it's...  Well, I love him, but you've got to be careful, okay?  I'm not saying he's every been a bad boyfriend or lifted a finger against me, and I never imagined he would, but he sounds kind of different.  Like, he went in for the kiss really fast, and that thing about not wanting you to help him up the stairs, it just, I dunno."

"Wait, do you think he's different like we're different?"

"What?  No!  I just mean--"  She changed her grip on my hand so she was holding it more lightly in both of hers.  "Look, Toby, you're a really good guy, and I've been really lucky to have you living my life rather than someone else, and I'll bet you've been a great boyfriend, but you've got to understand, Luis is Latino man, and some of those stereotypes about machismo are real, okay?  He's also been away from home, and losing part of his leg probably makes him feel like less than a whole man, and, I dunno, if it were anyone else I'd be all like 'girl, be careful', you know?"

I didn't, really, at least not until a couple nights when I got to "meet" some of Luis's friends, who I guess haven't seen me in a while.  It was a bit awkward - Dunia said he'd be disappointed if I didn't dress sexy, so I did, and there was a lot of squeezing and sending me to get stuff so he wouldn't have to mess with his crutches, which led to a lot of loud appreciation for what my ass does in the heels I was wearing.  After a while, I kind of played it up a little, because what else can you do but try to own it, right?  Luis spanked it a couple times and I ended up in his lap for a while, getting kissed more than once.  I probably should have initiated that more than I did, because by the end of the night I was a little worried that I looked reluctant, especially that time I squirmed when I felt something moving in his pants.  Being shown off is kind of weird, especially given that I'm sort of his girlfriend because of a bunch of really random circumstances.

The party went late, enough that we were looking at repeat of him getting drowsy from the midnight meds, so I was able to beg off by mentioning I had an early flight today.  He looked really disappointed, but it was true.

So, I guess I know what I've got to do next.

-Toby/Dunia

Arthur (formerly Penny): Lonnie & Della

I'm doing better now.  I do not like this thing where I need to get up and pee at 3:30AM seemingly every day, because it seems specifically designed so that I can't get a few more proper hours before Lonnie wakes up while also being way too early to talk to any of my East Coast friends, but I'm trying to adapt.  Get a little writing done while it's quiet and I won't be interrupted by calls, spend a little time making Lonnie a good lunch, occasionally boot up the Playstation.  I haven't gamed a lot the past few years, and the only place Germy's taste and mine really overlaps is sports games (would I like shooters more if I'd been a man at any point during the past 20 years?), but there are worse ways to make an hour or two disappear. 

Then Lonnie wakes up, and I don't know if I love him yet, but I'm getting fond of the little guy. 

I'm trying not to look at him and try to see signs that he's my kid, the way the whole last year kicked off because I sometimes worried that Millie was as much Nell's daughter as mine.  He likes books and Legos and doesn't much enjoy gym class the way I didn't before becoming Penny, but that's a lot of kids.  He's got a whole bunch of Pokémon memorized but didn't really know the Looney Tunes when we went to see Coyote vs Acme the other weekend.  He asks a lot more questions than Millie did at that age, and a lot of them have to do with Mommy coming back or going to see Grandma. 

That's a tricky one to navigate, because while I'm not religious, really - having been through the Inn experience makes it clear there is more going on in the world than we understand, it doesn't seem to match up with any specific belief system - his grandmother Della has apparently moved in that direction lately, and will tell Lonnie that Mommy's in Heaven . I don't know how the past few years she's had would lead one to believe in a benevolent God more, but maybe she needs it.  Things with her are shaky enough that I don't want to contradict her in the moment, and she's not pestering us about going to church, but it kind of feels like things are in flux.

I suspect I'd like Della under other circumstances, though.  She's mad about the A's being in Sacramento but doesn't want me to raise Lonnie to be a Giants fan.  She phone banks for Democrats and is always caught by surprise when I agree with her on something, as if she remembered Germy having bad opinions and was looking for a fight.  She's good at Scrabble and doesn't see why anyone needs more games in the house beyond that, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, and Yahtzee, but her daughter enjoyed them and every once in a while something she helped crowdfunded shows up in the mail and Della tries to get the other seniors in the complex to try it out with her.

I'm kind of not sure how to tell her that I'm mostly looking for jobs in the Northeast, because it's clearly the highlight of the week for both her and Lonnie when we visit every weekend.  It's a little work; her complex is in the suburbs of Monterey, so there's no getting there other than driving, and sometimes it's hard to recall that I grew up in California for how much I've relied on the T living in Boston.  For about a month, Lonnie whined when I said we were taking the bus or the BART to get somewhere rather than the car, and I do sometimes feel like I should just give in, but lately he's started memorizing bus schedules the way he does Pokémon.

It's funny, sort of, that if not for Ray and Millie, I do think I could eventually be happy with this life, as opposed to feeling guilty every time it keeps me too busy to dwell on being apart from them or actively working to find a way back. 

- Arthur/Penny/Arthur

Caleb/Rylee: Time to Duel or Date?

So, I have a confession: I’m a bit of a nerd.

Don’t get me wrong, Rylee's passion for acting surpasses anything I've ever been into, but I do have my hobbies that I was into that I have not really gotten a chance to indulge in since turning into her. One thing in particular I invested a good amount of time and money into was the Yu-Gi-Oh! card game. While I didn’t grow up with any of the series, it was still in the periphery of other fandoms I was in and…I don’t know, something about it caught my attention. Maybe it was a mix of the artwork and gameplay that drew me in, and while it's a complex mess that could do a lot more work to not keep printing these $100 staples that come out every other set, it was something I was able to get into. Plus, going to local tournaments was one of the few regular bits of socialization I indulged in. 

Of course, I couldn’t exactly have the current me send my card collection to Rylee’s home address: trying to explain why an older guy I “met online” was sending me a couple hundred dollars' worth of stuff Rylee had never shown any interest in before would have been a little awkward to explain to Shannon. Fortunately, here at college I have a lot more freedom to let some of my real self slip out and no one be the wiser, and with a new core set coming out soon I figured it was as good excuse as any to indulge a little bit more in being "me".

The thing is, though, I'm not me, and the events that came out of just wanting to play a card game did a really good job of reminding me of that.

It all started on the way back from the campus post office. I had initially asked the current me to just send a couple of things, just the most recent deck I had been playing before my trip to the Inn and some staples I could use to switch around. In the spirit of being "helpful", however, he had sent my entire collection. For those of you who don't play these kind of things, you're probably wondering how bad could some slips of cardboards be? Well, shove a couple hundred cards into several good quality binders, plus some tins filled with bulk, a playmat, deck boxes, and other little accessories, and it starts to add up pretty quickly.

Admittedly, with all the workouts I've adopted to as Rylee I was in decent shape, but with having to carry several boxes halfway across campus, I could start to feel a little quiver in my arms. That was when he showed up.

“You, uh, want some help with those?”

It was Joshua, one of the guys from my theater courses. Generally speaking, I considered him a nice enough guy: friendly, helpful, kind of goofy. I wasn't ignorant to assume that every guy who had a musical theater concentration was also gay, however (though yes, most of the other guys I knew from class were), and recently I had started trying to keep my guard up around him because I suspected he might have a crush on me. Maybe it was just me being a little paranoid after the situation with Evan of any handsome guy with cropped, brunette hair and pearly white smile trying to get into my orbit, but it did feel like he was just a little quick to offer to pair up with me in class, meet up to do homework, and maybe let his hands linger just a little longer than needed if a scene required touching me. Then again, everyone in theater seems to damn touchy-feely - it wasn't a proper lesson till every part of me was poked and prodded by the professors critiquing my posture and positioning - so I just left my relationship with him at friendly but cautious, in case my calibration was just off compared to someone who was properly trained in all this acting stuff.

In that moment, however, I was willing to let that guard down just a little because hey, might as well let those arms that were capable lifting a full goddamn person in the air for a musical number carry my stuff for me.

“Oof, what exactly do you got in here?” he asks with a small, playful laugh.

“It’s, uhm, some trading cards," I say, brushing some hair out of my face, having had no chance to do so when my arms were full of boxes.

“Damn, did you order Pokémon cards? Trying to scalp your way through college?" he says, grinning.

“No, nothing like that. Actually, it’s Yu-Gi-Oh cards..."

“Oh, really? Huh, wouldn't have clocked you for someone into that kind of stuff."

Not a surprise he'd have thought that. Even if it had gotten better over time, the game kind of did have a "boy's club" vibe to it. At locals, if there was a girl around, they were either someone's girlfriend or sister, and I could probably count on one hand the number of times I actually played against a girl.

"Yeah, well, I saw that apparently a lot of the stuff these days got, like, lore in the card art and effects and stuff, and some of it sounded really neat that I kind of just kept digging and, I don't know, it seemed kind of fun. Did the digital sims for a bit, but saw a guy selling his collection online for cheap -" the excuse I had for how I got this collection "- and that there's a place near the campus that runs tournaments so, I don't know, figured why the hell not. Mean, worst case is I just sell it all again, right?"

"Uh, guess that sounds kind of cool, using card art and game mechanics to tell a story. Want some help getting this all unpacked?"

I probably should have said no, but the urge to nerd out with someone else was overriding my guard, or at least that was what I was telling myself at the time. So, I said it was fine if he wanted to hang out for a bit, and for the next couple of hours he had to listen to me yap about my deck of choice, what annoyed me about the current format, what I was excited was coming out in the future, and how I might need to get a campus job to help get some cash for it. 

In retrospect, the fact he was not only hanging around listening to all that but even trying to feign some interest really should have been the flag that "this guy is crushing hard" on you. Like I said, though, having had to be "Rylee" had been exhausting, and just getting to let some of the real me out was just such a relief I almost didn't really care if he was just motivated by wanting to bang me. Besides, to his credit, he was really good at showing interest, asking questions, commenting on the art, totally acting like he knew what I was talking about in regard to this or that mechanic.

Eventually I was done building something I was happy enough with and he had to head out, and I should have just left it to that, but...

“Hey, uhm, if you want to, want to tag along with me to the tournament?”

He was practically beaming, and I quickly get into damage control mode as I explained why exactly I was wanting him to tag along.

“It's just, not a lot of girls play this game, you know? Plus, the tournaments can run a little long so it'll probably be dark out by the time we leave so..."

"Oh, yeah, I totally get it. Need me around to play escort. That's cool."

Still, when we met up Saturday, he clearly still thought this was his opportunity. Fresh hair cut, recently laundered clothes, the faint scent of cologne. Standard dress up nicely kind of deal, way more than he needed just to go to a comic shop and sit around while I played some cards.

Of course, I didn't have much room to talk as I had upped my own outfit game just a tad. While on campus the classes kept me in t-shirts and jeans thrown over a workout outfit, going off campus felt like it required a little more effort. I didn’t exactly want to give out the wrong impression here, but it was a habit of mine that if I was going to go out anywhere around people, I usually tried to make myself presentable, and some of that was carrying over. Sure, I was still in pants, but a nicer pair, and had switched out the t-shirt for a light sweater and jacket combination with a pair of boots. Not super dressy, but at least a little step up from campus casual.

We took the bus to the downtown area near the college and headed to the shop. Being the pre-release event for a new set there were a lot of people, probably more than a regular Saturday would have brought. There were even a few other girls there, but like I said, I was expecting most of them to just be girlfriends or family members of the guys. Maybe a little biased against my current sex, but I'm just relaying my experiences, which meant when signups were called and like maybe one other girl stood in line to register it kind of made me standout. Not long after Joshua and I were getting approached by the regulars curious about the new blood, but at least at the start of things it seemed Joshua's presence kept things pretty courteous enough. There was, perhaps, some surprise that it was me was playing and not him, but at least no one was trying anything flirtatious as long as he was there as a ward.

Still, once the tournament commenced and he moved to the sidelines, the rest of the night was just an uncanny valley compared to my past experiences. Obviously, some of that was just the weirdness of being in a new place with new people, but I think word was finally getting around Joshua and I weren't an item, which meant that I was "available".  For some of the guys, that meant that a game match against me was, apparently, also the perfect time to fit in a speed date. Like yes, I know Fairy Tail is a cute archetype, but you aren't exactly slick in saying that therefore it was the "perfect" deck for me. The only relief came when I got paired up against that other girl who entered. It was a nice change of pace that the most frustrating part of that match was that Elfnote is a totally unfair deck that shouldn't have been printed and not having to try and determine the person across from me was trying to count the cards in my hand or just staring at my boobs.

Anyway, went 3-2 but didn’t bubble into the top cut so no prizing. With the whole night having just felt weird and no real reason to stay, I motioned for him I was ready to head out. He said goodbye to I guess some new friends of his, and we were off into the night.

“Well, it looked like you had fun,” Joshua said, apparently starting things off for the walk-home chatting.

“Eh, sort of. When I got to focus on the game it was fun, but I guess being the only single girl there meant I ended up with a target on my back," I said, frustrated I wasn't able to fully enjoy one of my favorite hobbies because of all this stupid Inn stuff.

He winced and sucked in some air.

“Yeah, I wasn’t going to mention it, but since you brought it up, lot of the guys were curious if you and me were, you know, a thing? I almost lied and said we were cause I thought that'd discourage them, but since we hadn't talked about any plans like that..."

"Eh, I actually thought of that, but didn't think things would be bad enough to need to do that. And I mean, it wasn't totally bad. Not a great first impression but, well, lot of guys into this stuff can just be a little awkward so, I don't know, I don't want to hold it against them too much."

That was talking from experience. Social anxiety was something I had always struggled with, and so having been on the other side of the table I was willing to cut a little slack. Just a little, though. After all, anxious or not, you really should work on making it so you're more focused on making sure you're remembering activation triggers than trying to talk up a pretty girl. I mean, sure, I was finding myself struggling a little with regulating my own emotions when it came to things, but I at least have the excuse of having been ace till a few months ago, so what was their excuse.

Take a moment to appreciate the pride before the fall here.

"Anyway, I still appreciate coming out. Think having you around even just as a friend probably helped keep things in check. Still, I don't want to make you come out here every single time."

"Hey, don't sweat it, I had fun too, in my own way. Besides, it was nice seeing another side of you. In class you always seem so awkward and stiff, but, like, the way you were just beaming while talking about, what was it, Fairy Tail?"

I nodded, feeling a bit of a flutter in my chest as he kept talking.

“Yeah, you were so passionate talking about those little guys, and then being just so in the zone you even did the whole tie your hair into a ponytail and scrunchie thing? It kind of almost makes me want to go and build up a deck. And hey, you wouldn't have to worry about those guys staring at your rack all night if I take them out first, right?"

Hey, allosexuals reading this, how the fuck do you deal with the hormones? 

Like, I hate to admit it, but when he ended that line with a cheesy little smile I couldn’t help but bust out a laugh, my whole body just rushing with this flushing heat as I heard him join in.

“No offense, but with this format, you’d probably get absolutely destroyed” I say, trying to steer things back to the card game instead of me.

“Oh, says the girl who this was her 'first time' at locals? I think if you offered me a little tutoring and training I could probably hold my own, and maybe in return I could take you out to dinner some time?"

Shit shit shit

There was the logical recognition, of course, that obviously this whole night out with me was a ploy to try and butter me up for a date. And I couldn’t blame him; he was just being a guy who liked a girl and was trying to do things right by taking an interest in her hobbies and sliding in some flirtatious banter. The whole issue was simply that right now I was that girl, and the rational parts of my brain were on red alert. Rylee’s body, on the other hand, was apparently an absolute sucker for all of this.

“Yeah, sure, I guess I can do that,” I squeak out nervously. 

I mean, I really did want someone who I could share some of my real interests and personality with, but was it worth the risk of getting entangled in something more than that when I was still trying to deal with all these signals this body was sending to my brain?

Thankfully the bus arrived and we were swiftly driven back to campus. Sharing the same dorm meant we had to huddle together just a little longer, sharing some chit chat about maybe what kind of deck would work for him, plus a few last-minute reminders of oh shit there was an assignment due Monday. I could feel myself calming down as we hit the point where we needed to part ways, but there was still just this incessant buzzing in my ear that was saying “Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him.”

Instead, I just wished him a good night as we went our different ways, quickly getting into my dorm room and taking a deep breath as I leaned up against the door.

“So, how'd the tournament go?” asked Sydney, glancing up from her desk.

“I, uh, think I might be dating Joshua now?"