Thursday, July 26, 2012

Greg/Alexis: Season Finale

Life is a big, crazy roller coaster. Not like a real life roller coaster but something that you would design in Roller Coaster Tycoon and none of the park guests would ride it because it was too crazy. Full of high hills, low valleys, and turns that will leave you dizzy and with neck pain. I dont know if its true of all life or I just notice it more because I'm so used to living someone else's life. I think the fact that major events in my life(s) have been chronicled on this blog for the last few years makes it more apparent as well.

When I last posted a little over 2 weeks ago, I was in the dumps. The sting of Amber having moved on permanently focused my attention on all that the inn had taken from me. Lately though, I've begun to appreciate all the unique experiences and situations the inn has given to me.

Over the past 12 months I've gained first hand insight on being gay, being a manager, living in Vermont, as well as much more insight into being a woman. I also learned how to be whatever role it was that I filled for Malinda. At first I was trying to be her guide or mentor then it evolved into babysitter until finally it became friend, which really is what all of us need most after the trauma of becoming someone else.

I'm glad now I didn't give up on her entirely because she was there when I needed a friend, and I think she could really sympathize with what I was going through and I didn't have to pretend to be anyone else around her.

So home life turned into girls night in on the weekdays and girls night out on the weekends, where we would go out drinking. And not "lets go to the bar for a few" drinking but "hardcore sorority girl scream really loud" drinking. I'll admit that I used to think that girls like that were vapid and annoying, but it is really fun to blow off steam and just dance like crazy. Malinda was really encouraging at getting me out of my shell at first and even politely declined when guys would ask her do dance. (I didn't get many invitations, even in a fancy dress and makeup the haircut and body type are a dead giveaway).

Anyway, Saturday night we got back to our place about 2 am still a little tipsy and I'm unsure how this next part progressed. Maybe it was her subtly teasing me about her getting more attention and me responding that I'd do better at a gay bar. Maybe it was flipping channels and her idly commenting on how cute some girl on tv was. Maybe it was us debating ordering a late night pizza and commenting on how it would go to her my thighs and her butt, and then each of us commenting on how nice each of those looked. Anyway it happened, we were face to face, talking, and then we interrupted each other with a kiss.

I froze. I remembered the fallout of our last kiss and didn't want it to happen again. "I'm sorry" I stammered "I dont know what came over me. I didn't mean to--"

She responded by kissing me again. Harder, with her hand around my head and her tongue in my mouth. "Don't talk me out of this" she said with a laugh. Overcome by my dry spell and the moment I rolled with it for a few more minutes before she began stroking my leg, which caused me to stroke hers in turn. Finally she took a deep breath, looked me in the eyes and said "Upstairs"

I wasn't going to second guess her so I stood up and took her by the hand upstairs. I wanted to carry her, but even in my fit form I'm not that strong as a girl. I pushed her down on the bed and took my shoes off. I began struggling out of my dress in a pretty unsexy way before lifting Malinda up, kissing her, and saying "unzip me". She obliged and I slithered out of my club dress.

She stared at me for a moment, kneeling there in only my thong, and idly stroked my abs "You ARE fit" she said, a bit awestruck. She continued exploring like a kid in a candy store, which makes sense because I was the first naked woman she'd seen under these circumstances. Finally she started slowly kissing my neck and I stroked her back while taking in the sensations. Eventually she started playing with my breast before moving her mouth down to my nipples. Clearly she felt like taking the lead in this.

Taking the passive role I unzipped her and laid down on the bed. She kissed and explored a little while longer before taking my panties off and getting to work. I fully expected her to be clumsy at it what with her being a bit of a prude before, but she got into it. I don't know if it was the fact that was she aroused combined with her lifetime knowledge of the female anatomy but she wasn't half bad. After I felt an orgasm wash over me she looked over at me with a huge smile on her face. "Success?" she asked knowing answer.

All I did was nod, sit up, kiss her and whisper "Your turn". Now it was my turn to be awestuck. As I helped her out of her dress I got my first look at Malinda's (really Sharon's) naked body. Obviously I had checked her out and stolen glances when she wasn't looking, but this was different. It was clear that Malinda had been taking care of it. Unlike Annabelle who had a perfectly chiseled athlete's body, Sharon's is more feminine and soft, with just the right amount of curve.

I used every trick I had learned over the past year or so, almost as if I were trying to make sure she came away with a positive view of lesbian sex. Her nails digging into the sheets and screams at the end were all the assurance I needed.

I curled up next to her, still feeling the effects of alcohol but a lot less so. I put my arms around her "So?"

"So..." she giggled "Pretty cool"

We kissed a little more before falling asleep in each others arms. When we woke up I was nervous, hoping it wasn't just the alcohol. She opened her eyes and smiled at me.

"About last night" I said nervously

"No replay" she said mockingly "You've got to get to work"

"I do you feel about it"

She responded by kissing me softly "Same as last night"

"So this makes us...."

"It makes you late, and me gay. But we've got two weeks left like this so lets avoid over labeling" She then got out of bed and put her robe on to make breakfast while I got ready for work.

That was about 10 days ago, and most of the subsequent nights have been similar. I had to beg her to tell the blog about it, because while it is personal and private, its also a major development in this life.

So while we prepare for our return trip to the inn, we're living basically as wife and wife, but well aware of the temporary nature of it and she is excited to get back to her old life. Everything seems to be in place in that regard.

It feels like a mini happy ending for me, at least to this chapter. The different lives ive been in seem like movies or television seasons, and every year theres a new season or sequel. This one by far has been my favorite.


Thursday, July 12, 2012

Burt (Lisa): It's like walking into the middle of a movie and needing an explanation

I've been sitting here for a while trying to figure out what to say for myself. I understand there's a lot of followers out there who probably know even more about this situation than me, even though I'm living it. But it's nice to know I have someone I can talk to.

First of all, Lisa, Shaun and Zane are all really nice people, and as soon as I figured out who they all were, and who I was supposed to be, we got along pretty great. Lisa seemed exasperated at first at the idea of not getting her own body back, but she knows I didn't do this on purpose. Obviously.

In preparation for my new part (so to speak) she gave me a heartening talk about how it's not that hard to fake your way through someone else's life... the "Inn's magic" does most of the work. The real task is not to disrupt the delicate balance of another person's personal life. Fair enough, I suppose. From what I've learned the previous "Shaun and Lisa" were a married couple in their real lives and decided to carry that over to their time in these bodies. The real Shaun and Lisa are understandably not pleased about the situation that leaves them, I mean us.

That's caused a certain amount of tension for me. Our living conditions are now that of a one-bedroom apartment and let's be honest, it would probably be better to have some space and time to figure this all out for myself. Shaun's been a good sport, but I sense him gritting his teeth when trying to negotiate the morning routine.

Lisa's body... hm. I'm taking it one day at a time. I have sisters so I'm aware of the level of maintenance a female body requires. It's a good body, roughly my own age, holding up well without much "extra." Lisa is a pretty practical woman, so it's not like her wardrobe is full of oversexualized or even embarrassingly feminine attire. For comfort's sake, I've been favoring dresses and low cut tops in this summer heat. They definitely have an advantage there, and this is coming from a California guy!

I definitely feel odd getting home at night and unclasping my bra, letting "the girls" out as I prepare for bed... it feels almost naughty that I have this body to myself even though (as Lisa often points out) it's hardly in "pinup" condition. But quite frankly, it's nothing to be ashamed of, as far as women go. Good shape.

I haven't discussed my feelings about it much with Lisa, but hopefully she understands there are certain... views I'm entitled to as current tenant of her body.

Does that sound weird? I sound weird don't I. Don't mind me. I'm not here to make trouble. Really. You'll get that about me.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Greg/Alexis: Ghosts

So it's been awhile since you last heard from me, and its not because I don't like you guys anymore, its just that we have an unwritten rule at this blog is that you hold off on posting if someone else has something more important to say. And for like the past 2 or 3 weeks or so about 5 people on this blog have had something happen to them thats life-changing, and since I knew about them ahead of time (I'm special) I let those guys have the forum to work out their issues. Plus the Zane/Lisa/Burt debacle is a cautionary tale for anyone who ever tries to use the inn to their own advantage.

When I last posted here I was ready to dive head long into the online dating pool. A month later I'm sad to report that I splashed around and floundered like a little kid in that regard.

Turns out, the limited amount of single gay women in Vermont arent exactly looking for someone with a very short term expectation who is oddly mysterious about her personal life. Most of the time it wound up being a few emails exchanged before either of us decided we weren't on the same page.

One woman I did wind up meeting. Her name was Elise and she was a couple years older than me, about 35. She actually lived about 20 minutes outside of Burlington but was new to the whole scene, mainly because she wasn't officially out of the closet yet. She was looking to experience new things and maybe experiment a little if we hit it off, no strings attached. That was all I needed to hear.

We met at a small coffee shop in her town. She wasn't bad to look at, a few extra pounds and glasses but cute curly brown hair and a nice smile. She gave me an awkward hug when we first saw each other but I laughed it off and we sat down to talk.

The thing is, once we started talking, the conversation would always shift back to me being gay or being gay in general. This made me slightly uncomfortable, not only because I was hardly an expert in the subject but it made me seem like I was there only to satisfy her curiosity. As the night wore on it became clear that this chick either had a fantasy she wanted to play out or needed to try something to convince herself of something, either way I didn't feel like playing guinea pig, so I politely declined even when she offered to take me back to her place.

I kind of regretted not taking her up on the offer as my drought continued, until last weekend when I got some news that really shook me up.

Sometime last year I stopped using my old facebook profile from my original body, as well as any other online representation of Greg Schmitt. It was part closure and acceptance that I was never goingto be the original me ever again, so I stopped acting like it online. Maintaining contact with people from my past was useless if I was never going to be able to see or talk to them again, so the only person from my old life who knows how to get in touch with me is Priya, and that's because she was inn cursed too.

Anyway, we rarely talked other than a few odd emails here and there, but the other day she sent me an email with a link to the local newspaper's website. Specifically to the marriage announcements section. There, standing next to a man slightly taller than her, was Amber. My former fiancee. I broke down and started crying. I mean, sure it makes sense for her to move on with her life, after all as far as shes concerned, Greg left her and ran away with his secretary. Its just that I never really got to say goodbye. I spent time living the life of her best friend before leaving her behind along with everyone I ever grew up with. I've put her out of my mind and over her mostly, but without any updates or contact with her she remains in my mind just as she was when I left her almost two years ago.

That sent me once again into a state of mourning not just for my relationship, but for my old self. I didn't like what I had become, a vagrant soul making the best of whatever an ancient curse had to offer him, or her as I've been for so long. A shade of my former self, living life in the bodies of other people after he was figuratively dead to so many of his loved ones.

I don't know if theres light at the end of this tunnel, all I know is that there is another tunnel. This particular one hasn't been half bad. I'm young, I live in a cool place, and I seemed to have worked things out with Malinda, who has been really sympathetic and patient with me since I found out about Amber's wedding.

In one month's time Malinda and I will be back in Maine, hopefully she'll get her happy ending and go back to Texas. Me? I'm just hoping its not too painful


Sunday, July 08, 2012

Tori: Like a Ton of Bricks

There have been a few times in my life when the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. The first was when I woke up in the body of a woman. The second was when I found out I wasn't going back. The third was when I realized I had to break up with Buddy and pursue Alex. And every time, this blog was here for me. I never thought I'd have a moment like that again in my life, but Friday night, I had the worst.

I have never been so mad at someone I care so much about, and until he arrived at my door I considered cutting him out of my life completely. I'm a pretty strong person by now, I should be able to walk away from someone if they treat me like that. But it was the first time he had ever shown that side of himself. The first time I saw any dissatisfaction and anger about our relationship. Even when he told me he didn't want to move in, he was nice about it. I wanted closure on this issue... I wanted to know what was behind that outburst. If it ended with us breaking up, I could accept that, but I needed to give him a chance.

When he arrived, I had him sit down, and I put him at ease by saying I had gotten Raine out of the apartment for the night. He didn't know where to begin. Neither did I. We each opened a beer.

"We can't pretend nothing happened last night," I said.

"I'm not like that, Tori," he said. "You know me."

"Yeah, I thought I did."

"I get frustrated sometimes. Not with you, but with... other stuff in my life. Stuff I can't tell you about, but it’s starting to get in the way."

"That's not gonna cut it," I told him. "You love me. I love you. You shouldn't feel like there's anything you can't tell me. Just respect me enough to talk to me instead of bottling it up."

"If I tell you this, it's going to change your opinion of me. It's going to change everything."

“If you don’t trust me, I don’t know if we can be together,” I told him.

He stalled a while before I finally dragged it out of him. He said it wasn't a problem until he realized we were going to be together a long time, that he cared about me and that I wanted to move in. He admitted he knew all the advantages, and that there was no lack of love or desire to move in but for certain reasons it wasn't "practical."

Then he asked if I trusted him to always be honest, and if I would promise to believe the thing he was about to say, and forgive him if necessary. I got a serious bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, but the answer was, of course, "Yes." There has to be honesty, right?

"I'm not who you think I am," he said. "And I want you to know that even though this makes no sense at all, it's the truth, and I would never do anything to hurt you."

And then he took a deep breath and told me a very familiar story.

A few years ago, before he met me, he took a trip to New England, winding up in Maine.

And wouldn't you know it. One morning, he and everyone else staying at this little Inn woke up to find they had been transformed into different people.

His name isn't really Alex, it's George Mueller. He's only been "Alex" for two years.

I just sat there, trying to keep a blank expression on my face as he told me this story that I lived through, treating me like I would never imagine such a thing... I mean, I never imagined trying to explain my situation to anyone because, well, I guess I was afraid I might sound like Alex did here. He was so worried I thought he was nuts. I just nodded along trying to figure out how to react.

"I never lied to you on purpose," he repeated, "It's just that I never thought I could tell anyone and make them believe me... but I feel so close to you, I thought maybe, just maybe you'd give me the benefit of the doubt."

It took me a while to realize he was telling me this without knowing the truth about me. That this was pure trust on his part, hoping I would be understanding about this strange situation.

I spent a long time just thinking it over in my head. It was a lot to come to terms with. I took a long time figuring out how I was "supposed" to react, as if it was all new to me.

For a second, just a second, I wanted to throw my arms around him and admit my own truth, to show him he wasn't alone. But I stopped myself. I had this intense feeling of self-consciousness. It was selfish of me to want to keep this illusion up, but after my experience with Karen a few months ago, I felt so exposed just talking to someone who knew the truth about me... like I had to be both Cliff and Tori, and I gave up on being Cliff a long time ago. I really don't think I can have someone in my life, someone I care about, knowing who I used to be. I would always worry that they'd look at me and try to see Cliff, judge me because I came to love this life as second nature. I was afraid he just wouldn't be able to handle it.

He leaned in, and asked hopefully, "Do you believe me?"

"Yeah... I think I do," I said, then added, "There's always been this strange aura about you."

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me.

“I’m sorry I lashed out,” he said. “I was thinking about how much I love you, and how much I feel you love me... and I got scared. For a second, I thought pushing you away was better than telling the truth. Anytime I think about how close we are, I get scared you'll hate me for lying and I... I freaked out. I hope you can forgive me.”

I took a deep breath. “I can.”

When he pulled away, he stood up and said, "It's a lot to expect someone to handle this. I can't prove it. It makes no sense, even to me. You might just be humoring me, but it's out there. You can think whatever you want about it, but I'm glad I said it."

“I’m glad you did, too,” I told him.

And then he left.

And then I went and lay down in bed and thought "God... what am I gonna do now?"

Friday, July 06, 2012

Tori: It won't go away

I thought this "moving in" issue was settled. Maybe not to my liking, but like a lot of things in my life I learned to deal with it. For reasons he has never explained, he doesn't feel comfortable enough for either of us to uproot, even though we've been sleeping together for almost a year, had all the prerequisite coupley moments, and said the L-word as often as each other's names. I mean, whatever.

But I've accepted it. He doesn't want to go domestic. Sure, he loved when we could carpool, or when I was out of work and making him breakfast every other morning, but things have changed. Suddenly it's not so convenient when I'm at his place and we both have to get to work, and he doesn't want to give me a lift because of the traffic going that direction will require us to leave an hour early.

Me staying over simply doesn't work. I was lying in bed at 11 last night. He was drifting off to sleep next to me, and I was mentally trying to figure out how to get to work for the next morning. I only had one choice. With a deep breath, I slowly lifted his arm off me and sat up.

He muttered sleepily, "Oh, just gonna fuck me and leave then?"

I'm not in a joking mood but I pretend, telling him "Sorry beautiful, you know the drill."

"Can we just lie here a little while longer?" I can see his real intentions by the tent he's pitching under the sheets, and as much as I'd love another ride, I really need to get home.

"If you want, we can resume this party at my place," I offer as a consolation prize.

He won't take it. I don't know why, but he just won't do it with Raine next door. We've been known to make love at volumes that go through walls (I'm sorry, I can't help it) and she's teased us about it. I mean, I can take it, it's girl-talk, but I don't think he likes her knowing how long he can (or can't) last. I tell him he has nothing to worry about, but you know men.

I think in general he doesn't like her, though. A while ago I found out she was having a little fling with Danny, our supposedly-gay friend. It ended in June, and she was pretty beat up about it. I was supportive, even though I didn't get how it happened. Alex was not supportive of my support.

Just to let you know, that whole thing apparently started when Raine was invited to "partake" in a three-way with Danny and a bisexual guy, and I guess they thought they had chemistry, just the two of them. Alex, in an attempt to wash his hands of the whole scenario, now dislikes coming over to my place. It's really driven a wedge in our social circle.

On the drive back to my place, I let it slip: "I just hate that you don't like any of my friends."

He defended himself: He liked my friends fine until they all started screwing around and making it impossible to be around them. I rolled my eyes. Everyone has friends like that. So Raine and Danny had a falling out. Sara and Thom are off in their own little engaged world. TRhat didn't mean they weren't good people, who are important to me.

"You don't like any of my friends either," he said.

"You don't have any friends," I replied. BAD. MOVE.

(I mean, is it obvious I haven't had a ton of relationship experience? But I really thought I was getting the hang of it.)

He loses it. "I have friends! I'm friends with everyone I work with. You never come by the old office to say hi."

"Because I work too now! And it's embarrassing enough to be the only person who got fired, out of like 200 people" I was ballparking this figure because I was tired and upset, "And I don't remember you ever talking too much about anyone from work."

"Because so many of them are women and you get so jealous anytime I even look at another girl!"

"I do not!"

"You're always talking about how much better looking you are, how glad you are that you don't look like them or dress like them or whatever that means... remember when that Karen chick came up from Louisville? You really seemed to fucking hate her, even though you claimed she was a friend. I think the reason you wanted to rush into moving in was because you were afraid I'd cheat on you if I ever got out of your sight. Even though I'm the one that should be worried about you."

All the breath left my body. All the blood rushed to my face. I just stared at him as he stared out at the night road. I had to speak slowly. "What. The Fuck. Is That. Supposed. To Mean."

He said exactly what I knew it meant: "It means I stole you from Buddy, and there's always a chance I'll just lose you to the next guy."

I welled up with tears. I couldn't face him. I couldn't talk anymore. When we got back to my place, I just quietly left the car and stomped into the building, getting in the elevator, letting my tears hit the ground.

I couldn't believe someone I loved so much would say such mean, hurtful things. Even when we fight, we never fight, but for whatever reason we just lost it on each other, and he really didn't fucking hold back.

I spent all night crying in my pillow wondering: What the hell did he want from me? He wants me around, but he doesn't want me to live with him, doesn't like my friends, doesn't like the inconvenience of me having to do stuff without him (like work.) Is it so wrong, after all I've been through, to want a little consistency in my life?

I have to remind myself, Alex doesn't know "what I've been through." But his interpretation of my personality, my "jealousy" and worst of all the idea that someone might "steal me" from him really hit hard.

From the way he made me feel about myself... I mean, that was not okay at all. And for the first time since we started, I thought about breaking up with him, but I couldn't bring myself to give much power to that thought. One bad night isn't going to erase the good ones. It's not like this is typical.

I thought about it all day today. Hell, I probably talked my co-worker's ear off about it. For his part, he was a pretty patient listener. Then while I was writing this blog entry, I got this text:

"I'm so sorry for last night. I think I'm ready to talk about this. I hope you are too."

It's 7:00 now. I told him to come over at 8. It's time for us to have a serious talk about our relationship.