Last night Matt came over to watch the Mavs/Suns basketball game. The game wasn’t until 9pm, but he came by around seven—we were going to grab some dinner before the game.
“Hey baby girl.” He says as I open the door for him. He leans in and gives me a kiss. I hadn’t seen Matt in several days, and his kiss expressed that he missed me.
“Hey yourself.” I say back to him.
I’ve been over to his place many times now, but this was the first time Matt was coming over to my place. I guess I’ve been avoiding it because Josh—the original Ashlyn’s ex-boyfriend—is friends with me and my roommates and tends to drop by unexpectedly. This thing with Matt isn’t really serious, but my gut (women’s intuition?) tells me that if Josh and Matt crossed paths it could lead to a lot of drama. I don’t need any more drama, but I did need a big tv with tivo and I wasn’t going to have that at his place.
“I’m just going to grab my purse. I’ll be right back.” I run into my bedroom, grab my purse and check myself in the mirror. I touch up my lipstick and decide I’m good enough for a quick bite to eat.
I really hadn’t taken that long, but I guess Matt was impatient, because he was suddenly behind me, kissing me on the neck.
“Hey, I wasn’t taking that long. I was coming right back.” I say to him.
“I know. I just wanted to see what your bedroom looks like.” He sat down on the bed. “Mmmm. Soft bed.” He reaches out to me and pulls me toward him. He’s got that look in his eye.
“We are on our way to dinner—“ I tried to pull back, but he is much, much stronger than me.
“I know.” He says, but he continues to pull me to himself, and then rolls us onto the bed.
“Matt.” I tried to sound annoyed, but he was back to kissing me on the neck. It was nice.
“Maybe we can get something delivered, and eat it during the game.” He says.
His hands were now under my clothes and touching my body, the kisses moved from my neck to my mouth.
I could feel myself weakening, I liked the way he made my body feel. “Maybe we could order Chinese.” I say.
Two hours later we are sitting on the couch watching the game on espn and sharing a bunch of Chinese.
The game didn’t start out well for my Mavs, they had a terrible first period—they were behind by 14 points. Matt was amused, he was a Suns fan. We had a friendly rivalry.
When we had our fill of the Chinese food, I paused the tivo and put away the leftovers. I then slipped into some silk PJs—I wanted to be comfortable. I then rejoined him on the couch and slide into the crook of his arm and we watch the game that way.
I was feeling pretty good about myself. Matt and I had found our rhythm—so I was feeling very satisfied, and not frustrated like I had with him in the past. Plus it was nice to feel a warm body next to mine as we watched the game. To top it all off, my Mavs turned it on and made a dramatic turnaround in the second and third period—they were up by thirteen points.
And then the fourth period happed—and things started to come apart.
I mentioned in previous entries that as Jake I had season tickets to the Mavs. At one point the television camera was panning the crowd at the arena and I thought to myself ‘hey, that’s near my seats’—and then I saw myself. I gasped in shock and grabbed up the remote to pause the tv.
“What’s wrong baby?” Matt asked.
I didn’t answer him. I just stared at the screen. I—He –looked good. ‘Jake’ had obviously been working out and gotten my old body in shape. Next to him was an attractive blonde haired woman I didn’t recognize. She was sitting in my second seat (I always bought two seats because it’s no fun to go to the game alone) and they seemed to be having a really good time.
Seeing myself again caused a flood of feelings to wash over me. Suddenly I didn’t feel so comfortable being all snuggled up to Matt. Suddenly I felt dirty and ashamed for what Matt and I had done earlier that evening.
How could I so easily accepted that Stephen wasn’t going to give my life back? Shouldn’t I be fighting him with every ounce of my being, demanding him he give me back what was rightfully mine?
I jumped up, wanting to put some space between me and Matt.
He stood up, following me, and tried to wrap his arms around me.
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” I yelled at him, jerking away from him.
Matt backed away from me, surprised. I was behaving like a crazy person and I knew it.
“Did I do something? Was there something on tv?” He asks, exasperated.
“You didn’t do anything.” I tell him. “It’s me, okay? I recognized the guy on the tv and it upset me. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay. Maybe we can talk about it later?”
“Maybe. I don’t think so.” I say. “Do you mind if we call it a night? I’m kind of tired.”
“Sure baby.” He goes to kiss me goodnight, but I turn away.
I see him out and I said I would call him soon.
I go back to the tv and watch the few seconds of myself at the game over and over. Eventually I grow numb from that and I let the video keep playing and I end up watching the rest of the game.
When the game was over the announcers said it was one of the best regular season games in the last 35 years—it went to double overtime, and my Mavs lost it in the last few seconds.
It was a thrilling game and all I could do was think ‘that bastard is sitting in my seat’.