Jonah/Krystle: Saving a Date

We've sent out cards.  May 31st.  I am getting married on May 31st, 2025,

That's just the start, of course - we're still trying to figure out where.  Neither of us have a whole lot of close friends here in NOLA.  Well, that's not true; we've got a fair number of them, but none that are so much a part of our lives that we're going to prioritize making it easy for them over our immediate families.  I don't have a whole lot of people in the Boston area - Momma Kamen, Karla, her kids, Moira, and a few others - but that would also be a fairly easy drive for my actual parents in New Hampshire, and what friends from my high school days as Jonah I still keep in touch with.  Not that they are exactly invited to the wedding officially - good luck trying to explain to Gabe why! - but I'll probably send out something so that they'll know, if they want to watch from the back of the church or something.  Gabe, meanwhile, has some family in that area even though most of his friends are still in New York and his close family is in Georgia.  We'll probably invite June/Jonah as well, although I'm just as glad that his engagement to Alana fell apart and I don't have to worry about whether or not to to to their wedding.

It's tricky.  Between us, Gabe & I make a decent living, but we'll probably be asking a lot of people who can't quite so easily absorb a flight and a hotel for a weekend to do so, depending on where we choose, and thinking of that almost makes me understand the ladies who go crazy about their weddings.  It can be so expensive to you and the people who attend it, and so inconvenient, that you kind of have to become a bitch and make demands and impose on people to make it happen.  I kind of don't know if I've got what it takes to do that; my head wasn't filled with this as a fantasy and important milestone since I was a kid.  I'd kind of be okay with eloping or going to the courthouse and then visiting folks between the ceremony and the honeymoon - which kind of seems like people used to do in old books and movies before something made everyone decide they had to do it big sometime in the 20th century - but there's a surprising amount of people in my life who want to see me in a lacy white dress that I'll spend a lot of money on but only use once.

We're leaning Georgia and looking up wedding planners who specialize in co-ordinating with out-of-towners.  Seems to be more effort, but I feel weird whining about it.  I ought to ask Ashlyn if I can zoom into the next Boston Inn People thing at the Changeling and see if any other guys-turned-girls feel really weird about weddings.

The funniest part, though, is the question of me taking Gabe's name.  I'm kind of excited to do it; as much as I answer to Krystle Kamen immediately these days, it's also kind of a reminder that everyone expects me to be part of a family that I don't entirely feel is mine, especially with all the K's between that and Karla and half of her kids.  Gabe, on the other hand, is a good feminist dude who doesn't like the idea of symbolically diminishing his wife's identity and the like.  I'd like to think I'd have gotten there by now if I were still living as Jonah Glass.  But, honestly, I kind of like the idea of choosing to be Krystal Potts, as opposed to someone else's name.

I mean, sure, "Krystle Potts" sounds kind of funny, and maybe he took some grief for being Gabriel Potts at some point, but, look, I'm already "Krystle".  It's sort of last-name proof.

We've got six months to talk about it, which both seems like a crazy amount of time and not nearly enough.

-Jonah/Krystle

Aidan/Emilia: "I would have bet on your sister"

I don't know that it would surprise anyone that I used to be more of a reader than I am now, or that I might have had vague ideas of being a writer as a teenager; just like Ande points out that those of us who turned from men to women have a lot more to post about than those who went the other way, I don't think you can keep posting on this blog or even following it unless you, on some level, enjoy reading and writing.  My life eventually went in another direction - before the Inn, I was a regional manager for a chain of automobile service centers - but it's been good to get back in the habit of reading so that I don't sound completely ignorant at work.

Even if most of it is chick-lit.

Like everything these days, there's a bunch of social media around reading, from following favorite authors to logging what you're reading or have finished (I am told Storygraph is good but Goodreads is bad), and, apparently, a thriving TikTok community.  Now, if I don't get social media that involves text, I really don't get TikTok and Reels and the like, but folks show it to me, of only so they can find out where to find a particular book.  Yesterday, though, I got a surprise:  Instead of someone doing a book review, or was a imprint's official account - with Kutter (or "Katey") enthusiastically talking about a book that had just been released in paperback! 

I made sure to check back later, and to my surprise, Katey had sort of become the face of the division on that app over the last month or so.  They had something up daily, and though Kutter wasn't in all of them, she was in a lot, talking about books, interviewing authors and editors, sometimes shooting out the window when something interesting happened on the street, sometimes showing off books in store windows.

(Yes, "she"; I gave Rusty and awkward "that's my girl!" after trivia and she decided she was doing that once Rusty explained.)

What was really surprising, though, is that the links at the end led to Katey's personal TikTok, and it's been active over the past couple weeks, after previously having its last entries showing her, Monica, and Emilia having fun in Old Orchard.  I've admittedly avoided adding to or even looking at Emilia's social media; it's a strange sort of uncanny about seeing her seem completely at ease in this skin, especially if she's lying on the beach in a bikini or doing some sort of supercut of her trying on various outfits for an evening out, as I find myself both wondering what she was hiding to put it all behind her or perversely wishing she wasn't making me look slutty.  I probably shouldn't worry about that too much, because while I can see where Katey becomes Kutter after the two month break, I can't imagine anyone who hasn't been to the Inn would make anything of it.

It's kind of a fun little channel - "Katey" exploring New York, heavy on the food and touristy stuff, responding to dance challenges and cracking herself up at her klutziness, that sort of thing.  If it were the real Katey, I might be inclined to dismiss it, but knowing it's Kutter, it's more interesting.  I kind of wonder how I'll think of Kutter using whatever social media young adults use in the early 2030s to document his life after college.

For all that Katey in the publisher channel seems sure of herself, though, Kutter was kind of mortified when I mentioned that I'd seen them.  "Like, the work one just sort of started out as part of the job, keeping a schedule of when people are around to film them and making the calls, and I just kept up winding up on camera because Lettie was busy on a call or Ms. Grayson didn't feel like it or something, and, I don't know, somehow it became part of my job."  She blushed a little.  "I kind of think it's part of how I got the job and you didn't?  Like, when they asked you about social media, did you even mention that Emilia had Insta or Tiktok accounts and mostly used Facebook for keeping in touch with parents and scheduling stuff?"

I chuckled.  "No, I think i mostly wanted to give the impression that I wouldn't be distracted at work."

Kutter nodded.  "Yeah, I can see you doing that.  Anyway, it was part of the job, and I turned out to be okay with in, enough that Lettie wondered why I wasn't updating my own, so I started doing that.  At first I was thinking 'what would original-Katey post?', but since it looks like they're never getting back in touch with us, I stopped worrying about that and tried to be myself more."  She shrugged.  "It's actually kind of a good way to figure out who I am as Katey, I guess?  Like, I sometimes get nervous one-on-one, but just being Katey for..."  She made a motion toward the window with her hand.  "... there's no pressure and it's good practice."

"Huh.  I must say, I'm kind of surprised it's you doing this.  I would have bet on your brother.  Uh, sister.  Housemate?  Rusty.  I would have bet on Rusty doing this first!"

"I know, right?"  Every once in a while, both of them will get excited and gush like teenage girls.  "I mean, she's given me a lot of good advice about not being nervous and how I look or come across - sometime's she's even holding the phone, coaching me - but she says she doesn't need guys being pervs in the comments and doesn't want to do something the next Monica will have to deal with.  It's weird, really - there are a lot of people who don't say much in real life but open up online, but Rusty's the opposite.  Sometimes I think she's got a crush on herself and doesn't want to share."

I laughed.  "Maybe.  Well, as long as you're not connecting with strange men or anything."

"Come on, you really think I'm going to get myself into something like that or leave the next Katey stuck in that sort of situation?"

I shrugged.  "That would be unlike you, but maybe not unlike Katey.  I'll just tell you the same thing as when you and Rusty got social media on your phones - be careful what you put out there, and be really careful about what you engage with.  Folks get in trouble, especially girls your real age."

She made a face, and I dropped it.  I suppose I'll have to have a similar chat with Rusty sometime, and really watch the comments to make sure neither of them are getting into trouble.

-Aidan/Emilia

Aidan/Emilia: Changing Rooms and Such

Even in the best situations, being a father to teenagers is about balancing trying to keep them out of trouble, wanting to relive one's own youth vicariously, and not coming off as weird.  Since arriving here from the Inn, the balance has obviously been different - a lot more worrying and less envy - but maybe not quite as much as I'd expected.  Being unnerved at how the boys seemed to take to being adult women quickly is kind of balanced by how I've seen that they were able to step up, and I do sometimes wish I were able to make this second nature the way they seem to have, on top of the shameful thrill of being places I'm not supposed to be.

Such as yesterday.  I got home from a shift in the bookstore at about 6:30, and before I could ask the guys what we were doing about dinner, Rusty looked up from his phone and asked me and Kutter if we wanted to go to the gym.  Kutter didn't even pause the game he was playing but asked if Rusty was trying to tell him he was getting fat, and Rusty said no, he looked great, but this used to be when he and I would take runs together but now our schedules never matched up and it was cold and it had been dark for a couple of hours already, so it might be time to take it inside.  Part of me just wanted to get off my feat, but even with different faces and voices, I can still recognize when one of the boys wants me to bring something up, even if I don't know what it is, so I said yes and went into my room to find Emilia's gym bag and throw some stuff into it.  I felt weirdly ashamed that it had fallen behind the shoes in her closet.

Rusty was waiting by the door, of course, and we waved at Kutter before leaving.  The gym was only a few blocks away, and I could tell Rusty hadn't been there before because he didn't seem to know the process for leaving Monica's membership card at the front desk.  I bought a single-day membership, and we headed back to the locker room.

For whatever reason, we were the only people getting changed at the moment.  Rusty already had a sport bra and lycra shorts on under his clothes, and I actually thought it was pretty funny that I was the one who was going to be letting stuff hang out, although he looked away as I practically tried to shove my chest into the lockers to go from a regular bra to an athletic one. then pulled yoga pants and sneakers.  Rusty obviously had to do much less, so he was waiting for me, and we found a couple treadmills.  He set his to a slightly higher setting than mine, and we started running in place.

As I mentioned a couple months ago, Rusty inherited a trim body from Monica and more workout stuff than Kutter and I combined got from Katey and Emilia (I've purchased some less-pink activewear since).  When Rusty, who was no more a particularly athletic kid than Kutter, wanted to test it all out, he found he really liked running and keeping active, which has served him pretty well in his job but did give us a few things to think about, like just how much the Inn changed our brains to make us more like these girls.  We're less worried now, in part because I can see what practice has done for him - his form has really improved, like he knows how to carry himself better, while I still kind of feel off-balance and like I haven't found the right gear to keep my breasts from bouncing painfully (maybe more annoyingly) or by butt from making me zigzag.  It's not Monica's muscle memory but Rusty's effort, even if her chemistry does convert carbs to endorphins better than Rusty's used to.

It was natural enough that he turned his head to talk to me without breaking stride.  "So, like I said at the apartment, it's getting cold and dark and stuff, so I'm probably going to start coming here before or after work, but I kind of wanted you to see that I wasn't going to be a creep or anything.  I mean, we were all sort of taken aback that first trivia night, but, I dunno, I don't think we cause trouble by using the ladies' room or anything.  Are we?"

"I don't think normal rules apply, but, no, you seem to be doing all right.  And it's not like we can use men's bathrooms or changing rooms."

"Yeah, we'd be..."  He was quiet for a second.  "So, remember that Halloween party?"  I grunted that I did.  "So, there was this guy there who was wearing a football uniform the same color as Monica's cheerleader uniform, and someone suggested posing for a couple pictures, and we did, and he had his hand on my butt and then pulled me in and stuck his tongue down my throat."

That had me stop, and slide off the back of the treadmill, stumbling.  "I, uh, don't know what to say."

"Well, as long as it's not 'I told you so'."  He turned the machine off and stepped down.  "I mean, it sucked, and I kind of worried about not liking it, because new-Rusty has been talking about how weird it is to suddenly find girls attractive--"

I put a hand on his shoulder.  "Hey, it's okay.  Even if you do like boys now, it's normal not to like that."

He nodded, and there was an uncomfortable pause, and I suggested we look at the weight stations, because I've got to carry a bunch of books around and they get heavy quick.  He started spotting me, and then we traded off.  I got a small bit of satisfaction from being a bit better at this, and not just because Emilia has a slightly bigger frame than Monica.  I'm maybe not just built to be pretty like this.

We worked up a good sweat, enough to be pretty ripe, so we hit the showers.  It was awkward to start with, even with dividers between stalls, but then a couple more folks came in, and were much less shy than we were.  We didn't rush out of the building, exactly, but Rusty almost did forget his membership card.

It was darker and chilly as we walked down the street back to the apartment.  "Well, son, I guess you can be trusted in a women's locker room."

"Mm."  He seemed to think.  "Dad, I know this is going to sound like weird thing to ask, but...  Could you maybe not call me 'son' until we're ourselves again?  Or 'he' or 'him'?  It kind of feels wrong and makes me second-guess myself."

I admit, that did sting a little, but it did make sense.  "If that's what you want, Rus--  Uh, Monica."

She exhaled the breath she'd been holding.  "I think it is.  And you can still call me Rusty if you want; I mean, that can just be a nickname, right?"

"I guess it could.  And I don't mind if you call me Emilia, although--"

She turned a bit red.  "Oh no, it's one thing when we're out and about, but at home, I kind of want to think of you as my dad and not my sexy roommate.  I know, I'm a total hypocrite, but--"

I stood in front of her.  "Hey.  Whatever you want.  You're my...  Well, you and Kutter are the most important people in the world to me, and if it makes you comfortable that I treat you like a woman even while you treat me like your father, that's okay.  I'm here for whatever you need."

She hugged me, and I hugged back, before we headed back home and made some supper because the workout left us starving.  She didn't say anything to Kutter and the need to use pronouns didn't come up before they left for work this morning, so I don't know how he'll react, but it's funny - I didn't realize how genuinely happy I would be to make something in Rusty's life easier even if it seems like I should feel at least a little hurt she's rejected me.

(Also, I am mentally counting the number of times I've made comments about kids and their pronouns and wincing)

- Aidan/Emllia

Ande: Could I even handle going back?

I've been reading a lot of election coverage, like everybody, although I suspect it's a little more stomach-churning for me than it is for a lot of folks who are not nearly so directly affected.  Even in the People's Republic of Cambridge, Hildy says, there's been a little shift in attitudes among some on the MIT campus.  Go back a generation or two and girls like her (that is, girls) would be something of an oddity there, and while it's not quite the sausage fest it used to be, there's still more guys than girls, and some of them are not exactly great at dealing with women.  There are ugly male stereotypes for a reason, especially guys who probably had to really focus in on being great at one thing to make the cut into an elite college at the expense of a lot of dealing with other people stuff.  No-one's felt okay with threatening her yet, but who knows.

Obviously, I've had a lot of "that could be me" thoughts, and when I feel relieved, I also immediately feels scared, because it kind of still is me!  My twin brother who became my twin sister is dealing with it, and she's both at a state university in a state that is not exactly Massachusetts and more politically active than I am - for my first semester here, I was trying to pretend like I was her/him/them and taking a lot of classes that pointed toward a career in government and maybe politics.  I've been calling and texting with Andie a lot, and she's, well, she's ready to fight harder.

So, that's that, and I hope that what a lot of people took from it is, yes, I asked Hildy out, she said I sounded like a non-creep, and now we've been dating for a month and a half.  At some point it kind of occurred to me that I'm not exactly dating myself, but who I hoped to be a couple years ago - cute girl with an engineering major but a pretty big carve-out for artsy stuff.  She's looking at materials engineering and busks while I'm trying to make a theater minor work with EE, but broad strokes.  We've gotten here through different routes so we don't get into the weird, creepy finishing each other's sentences or anything, but I've apparently got way more Taylor Swift in my playlist than any other boyfriend she's had and she was very excited when the Connecticut Sun played a game at the TD Garden, even though you wouldn't peg her for a sports fan.

She just asked me if I'd be interested in spending Thanksgiving at her family's and I'm inclined to do it, although it makes me wonder when I can introduce her to my folks and what that will be like.  I can sort of settle into just being Ande who is what he appears to be with her, but what would it be like to drop her in a group that knows Ande & Andie are Andi & Andy?

I almost want to take her to First Thursday Club for low-stakes practice, but an outsider would be a vibe-killer and the fact that I'm one of the only guys there might seem really weird to her.

It kind of does to me, to be honest.  I haven't met the infamous Lenny yet, but I think this week, there were three women who were back in their original bodies, five women who used to be men, and just me and one other guy who used to be a woman.  I wasn't exactly stunned to see the in-person meet-up match what the blog is like, but I was still kind of surprised, because it seems like male-to-female and female-to-male should be balanced, right?  Of course, once you've gotten together, you realize that it feels dumb to complain or say you're facing challenges; the other guy in my boat had a story about being listened to more as a male intern than a woman who had been at a company for five years, and, yeah, you can reach things on the top shelf and there's never quite such a line at the bathroom and it is way more likely to involve peeing standing up, which is fun, than dealing with a period, which is not.  It feels bad to bring this stuff up, and more so that I wasn't going to feel unsafe taking a couple buses back to my apartment with some walking on either end.

I don't even think about this as potentially dangerous any more, although I do sometimes notice girls calculating stuff if a party runs late or the like.  Every once in a while, I wonder if I'd have the nerve to back to that, on top of how being a guy is now, what, 20% of my life or half of what I can remember, and that while it was kind of easy for Andie and me to cover for each other in high school, our knowledge and experience has diverged and is only going to get further apart.  She's not 100% health-wise, but doing better, but I'm starting to wonder if I could handle what she deals with after a couple years on easy mode, and if I'm cowardly for not wanting to even consider it considering that he refused to change if it meant I got sick.

Just a reminder that there are a lot of ways women are tougher than men, and maybe I'm in the second category there.

-Ande

Dave/Chris: A question of politics

 I don't want to talk too much about politics. I know how polarising it is right now, but the election was a big event, and it affects me too, especially in this life. So without getting too controversial, I want to make one single post, and give my thoughts on the election.

I come from a conservative state. The vast majority of my family and friends have always voted Republican. Shane and I have too. I voted for Trump in 2016 and again in 2020, because he was on the ticket. Now don't get me wrong, I don't really like the guy. I've seen him speak, and he doesn't always make a lot of sense. But I've always been in favour of smaller government and taking responsibility for yourself, rather than hand-outs. The issues at the southern border also haven't been dealt with properly.

However, I now find myself in a blue state, and not only are all of Chris and Sylvia's friends very much Democrat voters, but so are the people whose bodies we currently inhabit. That has made for some awkwardness, especially leading up to the election. I tried to be as neutral as possible, but even that raised eyebrows, because both Chris and Sylvia actively campaign for the Democrats at every election. I don't want there to be issues for them later, when they reclaim these lives, so I reluctantly hung a couple of Harris/Waltz posters in the cafe a few weeks ago and pretended to support them as best as I could.

There were some lively discussions in the cafe, leading up to the election, and I was inevitably drawn into some of those, and by the time the election came around, I'd shifted my position a little. Some of that came from some well thought out arguments, and some came from just inhabiting this body. For example, the Republicans have made the use of public restrooms for trans people an issue in the past. I already have a real fear of using them in this body, because the anatomy doesn't fit the label. But this is made a lot worse from the Republican stance on this. I probably belonged to those people who believed that people couldn't change their biological sex, but suddenly becoming a trans person has definitely changed my stance on this.

I was torn on who to vote for by the time the election did come around, so in the end, I did something I've never done before....I didn't vote at all. Not that it really matters in California anyway.

That's all I'm going to say about this. It was an awkward time for both me and Shane, and I'm glad it's over. 

But we've had to deal with a lot of glum faces in our cafe the past couple of days....

Aidan/Emilia: "It's a living. Or a start at one."

At last, my first day of gainful employment as Emilia is in the books.  It's not glamorous, and it's probably temporary, but it's very nice to know I'm not entirely living off the good graces of my kids, even if I am contributing less to the rent than either of them.  Actually, not even contributing to the rent, technically; they're splitting that while I'm covering groceries, laundry, and other expenses.  Kutter's idea, once we realized how much less I'll be making.

It's not terribly impressive for me to be working in a large bookstore, either in terms of my previous work experience or Emilia's degree, although I'm hardly the only young person with this sort of degree working retail there.  It's not surprising; a lot of folks who studied the humanities in college come to New York looking to get into the publishing business but there aren't that many jobs, so they look for something lit-adjacent.  It makes it even more surprising that Kutter got the job he did, really, although he hay have had a leg up in that while all the other applicants were clearly looking at it as a stepping stone to editorial, Kutter was pretty focused on the actual job being offered.  None of us were looking for jobs the way the real girls would, or at least folks who saw being these people as their future, as the first step in a career path, and I do kind of wonder how much ripple effect that's going to have.

Also, for as bad a reputation as working retail gets - and I certainly didn't think I'd ever be going back to that sort of job after graduating from college - there is a weird sort of satisfaction in helping people get a thing that they want, especially in a bookstore, where they are often so enthusiastic about it.  Indeed, contrary to how bookstores usually work, I got a bunch of recommendations from customers today and will be seeing what I can find at the library so I can better do that part of the job.

Of course, it's also meant a little bit of reordering things at the apartment, starting with getting home and finding the smoke detector going off because Kutter decided to make cheeseburgers and he didn't even get that far because he figured burgers needed bacon and, well, for all that Kutter can be detail-oriented, bacon will burn off you take your eyes off it for a second and the boys are always on their phone.  On top of that we are not sharing a large apartment, so the smoke filled the room quickly, and Kutter also made the rookie mistake of putting the pan under running water to get the smoke to stop.  Let me tell you, the eyes he inherited from Katey can get really wide. 

I pointed Rusty to the windows and he got them open, flipped the switch for the fan above the range, and then stood on a chair to see if there was a battery to take out of the alarm.  Wired, but after I opened the door, the breeze dispersed most of the smoke and Kutter apologized profusely to the neighbors. 

I clasped him on the back as we closed the door.  "Don't worry.  We're almost certainly not the first group of recent college grades they've seen set off a smoke alarm."

Kutter groaned anyway.  "I just wanted to do something for your first day at work."

"And I appreciate that!  Besides, we can still make burgers; the bacon will just be extra-crispy."

I waved Rusty over and stepped them through some things.  Turn the fan on, spray the pan good, watch everything like a hawk until you've got a handle on how long something takes with your gear.  And, whew, it's a good thing we've got an electric stove here!

We got dinner made, at least, although Kutter still seemed upset that he messed it up.  "Aw, don't worry about it.  It's almost reassuring, actually, that you two aren't completely adapted to being these women yet."

Rusty raised an eyebrow.  "Really, Dad, saying cooking is just a girl thing?  What have you been doing all our lives?"

"That's not what I meant--"

"And maybe we've just adapted to being single girls in the city who live on Starbucks and takeout Thai food."

I pointed at his burger.  "Well, they I guess I should be assured you're not there yet!

We had a good laugh and then I started in on the first book on my list (Freida McFadden's The Boyfriend) while they played games

Dave/Chris: And that was Halloween

I haven't really done much for Halloween since I was a kid. Like all kids, I used to love dressing up and going trick or treating. Once I grew up, I lost interest in it, although I'd sometimes go to Halloween parties with my wife, when we were still married, because she liked the holiday a lot more than I did. My daughter also loved it, so I'd do whatever was necessary then. Since my divorce, I haven't selebrated Halloween at all, aside from buying some candy for the neighbourhood kids that went trick or treating.

A couple of weeks before Halloween, Shane asked me what we were going to do. Apparently, Chris and Sylvia are big fans of Halloween. They have a party in the cafe and always get matching costumes, and really go all out. Their friends had started asking us about it, because we hadn't mentioned anything, which is completely out of character for them.

So we decided that it would probably be best if we kept up their tradition. We invited their friends, found their decorations, and with the help of Cindy and Craig, did a decent job of putting them all up. I got some help with the preparation for the party from the original Chris and Sylvia. Luckily we didn't have to prepare too much, because we provide the location and drinks, and the guests would all bring food and snacks along. Then we had to find costumes, which was harder than we thought. In the end, we went as Robin Hood and Maid Marion. One of Sylvia and Chris' friends has a small shop that does clothing alterations, so she helped us with the costumes for a good price.

The party started after we closed the cafe and everyone who came along put a lot of effort into their costumes. The party itself was great. I had a lot more fun than I thought I would, and in fact, couldn't remember having this much fun in a long, long time. I could see Shane also enjoying himself in a way I'd never seen before. When he was a lot younger, he used to get drunk and start fights at parties. Later, as he matured, he stopped going to parties, and would usually just meet friends at sports bars and shoot some pool. It was pretty much the same for me. But now, he was the life of the party, dancing, laughing, and just enjoying himself. 

The party went until around 3am, when we caught an Uber home. We were both very drunk, and sitting in the back of the car, buzzed and laughing about how the night went, and then I felt a hand on my leg, and Shane looking directly at me with those big brown eyes of his. I thought he was going to kiss me, and didn't know what to do, but he must have sensed the sudden awkwardness, pulled his hand away and turned his head. We finished the journey in silence and when we got home, said a quick good night before going to our seperate rooms. I lay awake for a while, wondering what that was all about. I feel confused and conflicted. I can't be having these thoughts, and if I acted on them, then our friendship will never be the same again. But what if he's having the same thoughts? 

He had had an effect on me, and I felt really turned on. I could feel the moistness in my pussy, but I didn't know what to do to relieve it. When I had a cock, I'd just take care of things and go to sleep, but that doesn't seem like an option anymore. Chris must have taken care of it....the sex toys are evidence enough for that. But Chris never had a cock, so this was all he knew. On the other hand, I know what I'm missing and there's still a disconnect between how I'm feeling and what I can do about it. Not knowing what else to do, I stuck my hand into my shorts. I found my clit and started to stroke it. It felt good, a bit like jerking off, but it also felt wrong. The longer I went, the more wrong it felt, and the less turned on I was, so it wasn't long before I stopped and eventually fell asleep.

The next morning, we both got up very late, nursing bad hangovers. We'd discovered that the cafe never opened the day after Halloween, to let everyone recover. I don't think we would have managed it in any case.

We spent the day on the couch, watching TV and recovering. Neither Shane nor I spoke a lot for the whole day. I don't know how much of that could be attributed to our hangovers, and how much to a mounting awkwardness between us.

It's seems to be becoming the elephant in the room, but I don't think either of us know how we should address it. We aren't good at talking about emotions or feelings. Even when we were helping each other through our divorces, there wasn't a lot of talking. We helped each other by just being there and doing things together. A lot of it was going fishing, and we sometimes sat on a boat together for what seemed like hours, not talking. But it helped at that time. Women would probably talk it all out, but even though we're both occupying the bodies of people who grew up as girls, the ability to open up isn't something that we've inherited by getting transformed into these people.

But I feel like something has to give. I don't think we can ignore this for the next 6 months, and ignoring it isn't making it go away.