Sunday, February 06, 2011

Tori: Love sucks

I'm sorry, but it does, at least for me. I mean, I guess I officially qualify. Whenever I'm with Buddy, I get nervous but in a good way, I get excited when I know I'm going to hang out with him, we get so comfortable together... it's a whole butterflies thing. Sheesh, a while back I didn't think anyone could make me feel this way, let alone a guy.

But it sucks. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks so much because even though I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him, I know we have problems and part of me is really scared it's not going to work out. But I guess that's part of being in a real relationship, is that if you care for somebody, you make it work.

A while ago, I made the mistake of telling him about Leo, the guy I was, um, screwing up until I started seeing him. I maybe didn't "break it off" immediately after Buddy and I started dating, but to me, the whole fling was over as soon as Buddy and I became an item.

It started because we were talking about personal issues, and how he wondered why I seemed to be in such a bad mood on New Year's. I decided it wouldn't hurt to tell him I'd been in a fistfight with Cyndi the night before, and eventually wound up spilling my guts that Leo was at the heart of it. The truth is, Leo and Cyndi had gotten back together so close to me and Leo ending it, I'm still not sure they didn't resume dating while Leo and I were going on. And here I was, thinking telling Buddy this made me look like the good guy.

Well, as he tends to do, he made it about himself. The entire time he'd known me I'd been sheepish about the sex thing, which is why we didn't end up dating right away. So I pushed him away (well, also because I thought I might be getting my male body back, but... yeah.) But, in Buddy's eyes, the second he left town I was all over Leo in this "purely physical" thing that I had passed him over on.

I called BS on that, because it was mainly a timing thing: he left town, I was feeling shitty, never sure if I'd see him again, and Leo was in the right place at the right time. He called BS on "timing" because it was apparently all up to me whether or not we could have dated, all summer. I told him I wasn't ready, he asked what changed, and I said I didn't know, but it was all in the past.

He spent that night at his sister's. I spent it crying on the couch eating comfort food with Raine.

But I guess the reason why the two of us work is that we're capable of putting this sort of thing behind us and getting back to our normal routine. He apologized, I apologized, we both apologized for apologizing so much and for a few weeks things went back to normal.

And God, what a great two weeks that was. I don't work a ton and he's not going to Texas yet, so we spend a lot of our time fooling around in bed, or trying to cook for each other, or going out for walks in the snow... I mean, this is great, this is the kind of relationship I always wanted (albeit I didn't always want to be the one with the... uh, yeah.)

It's just sucky that it has to be complicated. You can love someone, obviously, but that's not automatically going to make them into who you want them to be. You'll both still have difficulties and insecurities to overcome and it isn't as easy as you want it... but if you can't stand the thought of being without that person, well, yeah, I think that's love.

One last thing that sucks: he's going away soon. As in... before Valentines Day. And damnit, I wanted my first Valentine in a real relationship in years (and first as a girl, natch) to be worth writing about.

Oh well... guess we'll have to do something super-sexy on the 11th...


Anonymous said...

He wants to know that you're so into him that you won't stray while he's away. Show him you're his. You want to so something sexy? Give him a fantasy weekend. Invite him to your place, and meet him dressed like a flirtatious schoolgirl. Tell him you've got a little girl's crush on him, then rock his world.

Or do the French Maid thing. Or something even kinkier? Who knows. Whatever it is, you're showing him that he's your man.

Anonymous said...

So? What happened? We're breathless...

Anonymous said...

You're either upset and depressed, which is why we haven't heard from you for a while....or you're on your way to Houston!