Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Greg/Alexis: Ghosts

So it's been awhile since you last heard from me, and its not because I don't like you guys anymore, its just that we have an unwritten rule at this blog is that you hold off on posting if someone else has something more important to say. And for like the past 2 or 3 weeks or so about 5 people on this blog have had something happen to them thats life-changing, and since I knew about them ahead of time (I'm special) I let those guys have the forum to work out their issues. Plus the Zane/Lisa/Burt debacle is a cautionary tale for anyone who ever tries to use the inn to their own advantage.

When I last posted here I was ready to dive head long into the online dating pool. A month later I'm sad to report that I splashed around and floundered like a little kid in that regard.

Turns out, the limited amount of single gay women in Vermont arent exactly looking for someone with a very short term expectation who is oddly mysterious about her personal life. Most of the time it wound up being a few emails exchanged before either of us decided we weren't on the same page.

One woman I did wind up meeting. Her name was Elise and she was a couple years older than me, about 35. She actually lived about 20 minutes outside of Burlington but was new to the whole scene, mainly because she wasn't officially out of the closet yet. She was looking to experience new things and maybe experiment a little if we hit it off, no strings attached. That was all I needed to hear.

We met at a small coffee shop in her town. She wasn't bad to look at, a few extra pounds and glasses but cute curly brown hair and a nice smile. She gave me an awkward hug when we first saw each other but I laughed it off and we sat down to talk.

The thing is, once we started talking, the conversation would always shift back to me being gay or being gay in general. This made me slightly uncomfortable, not only because I was hardly an expert in the subject but it made me seem like I was there only to satisfy her curiosity. As the night wore on it became clear that this chick either had a fantasy she wanted to play out or needed to try something to convince herself of something, either way I didn't feel like playing guinea pig, so I politely declined even when she offered to take me back to her place.

I kind of regretted not taking her up on the offer as my drought continued, until last weekend when I got some news that really shook me up.

Sometime last year I stopped using my old facebook profile from my original body, as well as any other online representation of Greg Schmitt. It was part closure and acceptance that I was never goingto be the original me ever again, so I stopped acting like it online. Maintaining contact with people from my past was useless if I was never going to be able to see or talk to them again, so the only person from my old life who knows how to get in touch with me is Priya, and that's because she was inn cursed too.

Anyway, we rarely talked other than a few odd emails here and there, but the other day she sent me an email with a link to the local newspaper's website. Specifically to the marriage announcements section. There, standing next to a man slightly taller than her, was Amber. My former fiancee. I broke down and started crying. I mean, sure it makes sense for her to move on with her life, after all as far as shes concerned, Greg left her and ran away with his secretary. Its just that I never really got to say goodbye. I spent time living the life of her best friend before leaving her behind along with everyone I ever grew up with. I've put her out of my mind and over her mostly, but without any updates or contact with her she remains in my mind just as she was when I left her almost two years ago.

That sent me once again into a state of mourning not just for my relationship, but for my old self. I didn't like what I had become, a vagrant soul making the best of whatever an ancient curse had to offer him, or her as I've been for so long. A shade of my former self, living life in the bodies of other people after he was figuratively dead to so many of his loved ones.

I don't know if theres light at the end of this tunnel, all I know is that there is another tunnel. This particular one hasn't been half bad. I'm young, I live in a cool place, and I seemed to have worked things out with Malinda, who has been really sympathetic and patient with me since I found out about Amber's wedding.

In one month's time Malinda and I will be back in Maine, hopefully she'll get her happy ending and go back to Texas. Me? I'm just hoping its not too painful


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