In the past few months I've watched my world rapidly change just because my friends all started doing things. I had gotten used to this uneventful status quo where Raine was always trying to meet guys, Sara and Thom were my dependable couple friends, and I was in a solid relationship of my own, whether my job was fulfilling or not. Then stuff happened. Alex and I ended. Thom and Sara got married. Even Raine changed her circumstances - she made a New Year's Resolution to make a difference so she went to volunteer in Africa for two months. That leaves me with a lot of nights alone channel surfing. This place is starting to feel like my college place, except with more tampons.
I should take more initiative. I didn't need to go looking for guys the last two boyfriends I had. Even the one before that (remember Leo, my first "casual fling?") just kind of happened. And I would really love for something to just "happen" now, but it won't if I don't leave my house ever, and I don't want to do that either.
I should note that Raine and Sara aren't my only friends, but a lot of my other single girlfriends are pretty hardcore clubgoers and I just don't have the energy for that anymore. The last two winters I was in really comfortable relationships! I could stay in and be warm. I asked one friend if she knew any guys who were looking and she gave me this laugh, like "If I knew any quality guys, I'd be dating them." True enough. I guess it's tough out there.
I'm embarrassed to say this, but the only single guy I know right now is eighteen years old. You remember Adam, the kid I met at Sara and Thom's wedding? Well, it was his birthday in January. I know this because he added me on Facebook. I have to admit, I did invite him to do so... hey, what can I say, I was a bit tipsy. I didn't realize he would end up liking half my posts and any photos of me without another guy in it or dressed even slightly revealing. It's clear the kid has a bit of a crush... and it's not like I can blame him. He reminds me so much of me when I was that age, and if I met a girl who looked like me, who gave him even half a chance, I would be very gung ho about it myself.
I've thought about it. Definitely more than I should. I'm sure he cleans up well, and it would definitely be a confidence booster for him if not me. For me it would be like some weird fantasy fulfillment for teenage me. Fucking myself by proxy. How awful.
It sounds so stupid when I type it out in front of me like that, that I haven't discouraged it yet. I've talked with him a bit and toyed with the idea of actually hanging out with him in a platonic way. What can I say, he found me at a vulnerable time, when I could use a little non-threatening attention. Most of the guys that go for me are cheesy, cocky douches. I'm probably going to crack and end up with one of them sooner or later, especially if my only alternative is barely legal and still in high school. What he needs is someone his own age with no skeletons in her closet, and what I need is someone with a future, who knows what they're doing with a woman and is comfortable sitting around watching her eat ice cream and drink vodka coolers.
Okay, okay, this is not the most upbeat post I've ever done. I have nobody to blame for myself for this, honestly... it's like I'm just sitting around waiting for someone to tell me what to do with this life, instead of living it myself. This is true for dating as well as work, where I'm going through the motions and getting more tired of it every day. I'm in a holding pattern instead of taking action. You only get one life... sorta.
Time to search the want ads.
Showing posts with label Adam. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adam. Show all posts
Monday, February 11, 2013
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Tori: Easier but not easy
Every so often I read this blog and I hear about people who are in the same or similar situation to mine from a few years ago... people who are in a body, a life totally different from their own. Matt's case strikes me because even though the body I am in is nothing like Gabrielle's... and neither is my life... I feel like I relate greatly to him in this state. Even out of respect, I call him "him" despite the fact that his body is female, because at that time I would've wanted to be called "him" too... it's a sanity thing.
As I commented, I hope that Matt, as many of our colleagues do, finds his way to his proper body. If he doesn't though - or at least in the meantime while he can't... I'll say what I can to comfort him. And that's that it gets easier. I'm sure he's already noticed. It gets easier every day to look yourself in the mirror and see a person you can identify as yourself. It gets easier to do things you never thought you'd have to, for your appearance or for your everyday life... it gets easier to play the part, maybe because there's a part of that person left inside of us - there's so much we don't understand about the brain and body - or maybe because we're just adaptable. It gets easier to dress and act and become someone else. Scarily easy, too. I was thinking about this the other day and it made me sad.
I was thinking about friends from high school, some of whom I had long lost touch with before my transformation. I think, fantasize even about how much different life would have been if I had been this instead of that. If I would have been someone I liked or if I would have been like the real Tori. I know the exact sort of people the real Tori was friends with then. They weren't my biggest fans and I wasn't theirs.
It's gotten easier for me to be Tori now, but it remains hard, maybe even harder, to forget I ever was Cliff. To pretend like I don't have a past, that I didn't always wear a bra and makeup. I feel guilty that I take a much greater interest in my looks today than the girls who shared my interests in high school (probably the reason why I didn't date them... I was fantasizing about the Toris of the world!)
When I was at Sara and Thoms wedding I ended up getting a little drunk and having a heart-to-heart with some distant relative of Thom's, this 17-year-old kid named Adam. He looked so intimidated by me and I temporarily forgot what effect someone with my looks has on a kid like that. I was ducking out from all the be-suited bros on the dancefloor and he was sitting apart.
I asked him if he was having a good time. He feigned yes, but I got him to admit he felt uncomfortable. I said I knew what he meant... when I as his age I would've rather been at home than dragged out to an event like this, especially without anyone I knew. He seemed confused by this and I told him "You'll just have to take my word for it, I didn't always look like this." Once I put him at ease he was a nice kid to talk to, opening up about his school life and home life. I overlooked the fact that he was transfixed by my chest, because the poor kid probably doesn't have a lot of female friends... although if he wants to get some he should probably knock that off.
Anyway, since I've been thinking about that, it occurred to me that I've hardly been out since, and have really let my social life take a hit since my breakup with Alex. I realized that if I want to meet a guy, I'm going to have to actually meet a guy. I don't feel like I can trust that another one will just fall into my lap. It's almost time to get out there. Scary thought. I've never been "out there" before.
As I commented, I hope that Matt, as many of our colleagues do, finds his way to his proper body. If he doesn't though - or at least in the meantime while he can't... I'll say what I can to comfort him. And that's that it gets easier. I'm sure he's already noticed. It gets easier every day to look yourself in the mirror and see a person you can identify as yourself. It gets easier to do things you never thought you'd have to, for your appearance or for your everyday life... it gets easier to play the part, maybe because there's a part of that person left inside of us - there's so much we don't understand about the brain and body - or maybe because we're just adaptable. It gets easier to dress and act and become someone else. Scarily easy, too. I was thinking about this the other day and it made me sad.
I was thinking about friends from high school, some of whom I had long lost touch with before my transformation. I think, fantasize even about how much different life would have been if I had been this instead of that. If I would have been someone I liked or if I would have been like the real Tori. I know the exact sort of people the real Tori was friends with then. They weren't my biggest fans and I wasn't theirs.
It's gotten easier for me to be Tori now, but it remains hard, maybe even harder, to forget I ever was Cliff. To pretend like I don't have a past, that I didn't always wear a bra and makeup. I feel guilty that I take a much greater interest in my looks today than the girls who shared my interests in high school (probably the reason why I didn't date them... I was fantasizing about the Toris of the world!)
When I was at Sara and Thoms wedding I ended up getting a little drunk and having a heart-to-heart with some distant relative of Thom's, this 17-year-old kid named Adam. He looked so intimidated by me and I temporarily forgot what effect someone with my looks has on a kid like that. I was ducking out from all the be-suited bros on the dancefloor and he was sitting apart.
I asked him if he was having a good time. He feigned yes, but I got him to admit he felt uncomfortable. I said I knew what he meant... when I as his age I would've rather been at home than dragged out to an event like this, especially without anyone I knew. He seemed confused by this and I told him "You'll just have to take my word for it, I didn't always look like this." Once I put him at ease he was a nice kid to talk to, opening up about his school life and home life. I overlooked the fact that he was transfixed by my chest, because the poor kid probably doesn't have a lot of female friends... although if he wants to get some he should probably knock that off.
Anyway, since I've been thinking about that, it occurred to me that I've hardly been out since, and have really let my social life take a hit since my breakup with Alex. I realized that if I want to meet a guy, I'm going to have to actually meet a guy. I don't feel like I can trust that another one will just fall into my lap. It's almost time to get out there. Scary thought. I've never been "out there" before.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)