Friday, April 11, 2014

Grant/Sophie: Never look back

Hey guys. I haven't posted on here for myself here, but I guess you know me a bit. My name was Grant, but right now it's Sophie.

I don't really know what it'll be next.

Going back to the beginning, I'll admit, I was shocked, horrified, scared, sad when we woke up transformed. I didn't understand what had happened any more than the rest of them, I didn't want it. I didn't want this. I was a gangly and uninteresting looking guy one night, and I woke up as a short, curvy, even voluptous, tattooed girl.

If I could forget the person in the mirror was me, I would think she was incredibly cool.

Like the rest of them I went along, shellshocked, behaving myself. Then I wore this body around a bit and I started to like it. None of the others wanted to hear it so I kept my mouth shut, and didn't post on here ever. I went to work as a waitress and found myself earning tips by smiling at guys, wearing lip gloss, leaning over and letting them peer down my top. What did I care? They weren't my tits really. What did I have to feel modest about? And sure, I got hit on, but most girls in the service industry learn how to play it off and never feel threatened. I liked it.

Then one night I overheard some guys at the bar whispering about me and the friend. "Okay, you can take the hot one, I'll take the fat one." When the guys came over to the table, I learned the "fat one" was me. I may not be a twig, but... I cried myself to sleep that night.

It was weeks later that I met Marco, at a punk show I went to with Sophie's friends. It took me forever to believe him when he told me I was beautiful. I'm still not sure I agree or that I appreciate it, but I liked him fine, so I didn't tell him to get lost. I gave him my number.

We dated for a while. And at first it freaked me out how much I liked it. He towers over me, and he's husky, and bearded and tattooed, and I couldn't figure out where the thrill of being with him was coming from. But it felt right and more than that... it felt familiar.

So one night, as I was lying up in bed, his arms around me, feeling his breath on me, I tried to remember back, back, back in my life. And I realized that more than just this was familiar... more than just being the little spoon or being potentially in love. Something about the nerves that come with being someone else. Something about the lie. Something about Maine.

So I talked to the "new me." I asked him to do me a favour and ask my parents if they knew anything about Maine.

It turned out they knew a fair bit about it. We'd been there as a family when I was 3 years old. At least, I was 3 years old when we left. Before that, they didn't even know who I was or where I came from.

I... I hated being myself. I hated being Grant, I mean. I walked around in a cloud for years feeling there was something off about my world. I didn't relate to anyone my age. My parents didn't seem to want me around. I was lonely and depressed and I hated everything in that life.

And I haven't lately.

Sure, I cried my eyes out. I freaked out. I stopped texting Marco back and basically ruined things with him because my world suddenly disintegrated, vanished like it was never there to begin with. I was nobody. At least, I have no idea who I was. My brain seems to have suppressed whatever my identity was before I was made into Grant, and my "parents" have no clue. But that realization was healthy.

I decided I can never go back there. Back to Lowell, back to being Grant. It would be unthinkable, selfish and dumb to think I could keep being Sophie. This life belongs to someone else, and as much as I've done with it, since being here, it won't be mine soon. I've told the new Grant to do whatever he wants, it's no concern of mine anymore. I just don't want him to think he owes me my life back, because it wasn't that.

Maybe I could be a guy again. I'm indifferent to that, but I feel like 15 years or so was plenty. I think I was a woman before. I think I would like to keep being one. But I don't know who to talk to about that.

So, to the mysterious people out there who read this, who make things happen, who help lost soul like me (or make us into them) I'm letting you know... I want whatever you can give me. I'll be a traveler, I'll join your agency, I'll do whatever you need. I just can't go backwards.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wow! That's pretty intense. Did your "parents" give you any idea who they were before the change?