This is all my fault. I was weak and stupid. And something about knowing you're going back to the Inn soon makes you wsnt to get your last licks in, you know, in case of the worst.
This post is coming to you from Ryan's bed, where I have chosen to spend the night rather than gathering up my bra and panties and going back to my room. He's sound asleep and I am stealthily writing this on my phone, so excuse any typos please...
Okay, hear me out. Ryan never made it a secret he was pining for me, or Val that is. But with Alexa in the picture I knew I had a buffer. He wasn't the type of guy to stray and I wasn't that type of girl. They were really quite cute together so as much as I was attracted to him I had no desire to break that up. Besides, we're near the end of my term as Val. There was no point in playing with fire, and I had Rafe to play with.
Then I (maybe foolishly?) ended things with Rafe early to spare Val some drama. But with my future somewhat in doubt as I considered Cynthia's offer, I got very very... Lonely.
Coincidentally, Ryan and Alexa were fighting. Not about me, I don't think, just about the relationship in general, the same kinds of stuff I always fought with my partners about, which seems silly and petty from the outside but heavy and important when it's you. They were fighting so much so that she told him not to go with her on their planned trip to California.
So, it's him and me tonight. We were alone. We were drinking. He was talking like they were already broken up. He needed to get his mind off her, so we started talking about "old times." And since they're not my old times, I have to play coy and draw it out of him and not really contribute much. He had the old yearbook out, and I got to see his dorky, skinny, high school self. I wonder if Val still sees him that way, and that's why she doesn't want to be with him.
I blame it on my own problems. Rafe. Career uncertainty. Being on my feet all day.
So, he says, let me give you a footrub. I blush. You had better be very sure you're single before you offer to give someone else a footrub. My feet are aching and Ryan is a hot, charming guy. I just know that if that man touches my foot, we are going to have sex. It's just that simple. If I let him break that barrier, there's no turning back.
I stall a minute - as long as I can, really, but probably only five seconds before my foot is propped on the stool. And it felt good. It was so good to be touched, and it hasn't even been this long, and God knows I've gone longer. After a while I offer him a backrub in return. Well it doesn't take long before that becomes a makeout session, and we both know it's quickly becoming foreplay.
I think, no matter who I become next, whether it's Cynthia, or a man, or someone else, nothing will quite equal the experience of having sex as Val. It's not that it's so good that it would make me want to stay as her, but there's a thrill in seeing how badly your partner really wants you, that I've never had as anyone else. It's blatantly obvious how Ryan had spent his whole life dreaming of a chance to play with Val's body, and he knew just what he wanted to do with it. (Admittedly, on my end, I have to say Rafe was better, but Ryan was definitely more into it.)
And now I lie here... wondering what my next move is. I feel guilty for doing exactly what I said I wouldn't do to Val, leaving her with drama... but it could be good for her to pursue this, if it's anything. I don't know. My head's still spinning, my legs still shaking...
And he's still fast asleep.