And maybe I don't, but I'm doing okay with trial and error. Moira is at the age where she's staying to ask questions about her biological father, even if she has more or less accepted Gabe as "Daddy:. June doesn't seem to mind answering when she calls and sends birthday cards, but he's found a new girlfriend, and maybe nothing comes of it, but maybe he justifiably wants to look forward rather than behind, even if it hurts Moira a little. Not that Moira is lacking for attention and support - Gabe and I volunteer for a lot at school and after, and try to be attentive parents. Folks tell us we do well.
Still, my folks wanted to see for themselves, so they came down here on vacation and found reasons to not just have their granddaughter dropped off with them to babysit, although they did do a lot of that. I think they kind of played the roles of people coming to see their granddaughter but not wanting to impose on their son's baby-mama a little too much - Gabe knows "Krystle" lived with them while "Jonah" traveled, so it's reasonable that we'd be close - but I'm pretty sure that it's mostly playing a part rather than rejecting me. If anything, I think, it's about sparing themselves the incongruity of me being with Gabe even though meeting him was part of why they came.
We had a few fun evenings out - a riverboat cruise, some jazz, including Preservation Hall. The latter is one of those things that you kind of avoid if you live somewhere because they're swamped by tourists but which you're reminded are, in fact, a lot of fun when the tourists drag you there. They also had a lot of fun with Moira, who has picked up more French than I have but really only needs to say "bonjour!" and "merci!" to impress Mom & Dad. It is adorable, truth be told, as has a girl who used to be such a fussy eater deciding she really likes po'boys and telling them to try one while they're shocked that I get red beans & rice with alligator sausage.
Everyone was having enough fun that it was hard for them to find time to talk to me as Jonah, so to speak. They'd told me not to disrupt my work schedule too much when they informed me of their vacation plans, but because Gabe works remotely and actually has pretty flexible hours, there weren't any times we could exclude him until Friday morning, when he had a big end-of-week review meeting and I had a couple hours between dropping Moira off at school and the gym opening to have brunch with my parents after they checked out ofd their hotel. I dressed up a bit for Brennan's, and while I didn't get too fancy, a silk camisole, capris, and two-inch heels must have seemed like a lot to them the way they stared. I get it; even after almost ten years, their experience with me as a woman is mostly tomboyish outfits, what they probably think of as a costume or disguise when I was waiting tables, or really casual clothes for the busy single mom, and the idea that I might be wearing something that makes me look nice in a very feminine way without having to fool people was probably new.
Surprisingly, it was Mom who took it with good humor this time. "My little boy, showing off his rack."
I laughed, in a bit of shock, but shrugged in a way I knew would make my breasts move a bit. "Haven't been little or a boy in a while. But it is kind of surprising; I feel like even five years ago, all of this was something I just kind of had to put up with in order to have brought Moira into the world and fed her and all that, and maybe it was useful to sometimes play it up because of how people react. But at some point, I kind of liked how I looked in the mirror because it said something about me rather than because I saw the sexy girl as someone else. You know what I mean?"
Mom nodded. "Oh, I sure do. Your father still probably doesn't really believe that we dress up more for our girlfriends and ourselves than boys, but you get it, don't you?"
Dad snorted before I could respond. "Hey, I am not some caveman who think women are just here to please men. It just seems like a lot of trouble, is all." He paused as the waitress came over and took our orders. "But you have landed a man, haven't you?"
I smiled. "I have."
"And that's really what you want? In here, and in here?" He tapped his heart, and then, a bit more tentatively, his temple.
I took a breath, trying to figure out how to explain it, not to avoid giving offense, but so I could say what I meant without really understanding it myself. "I mean, I don't think Gabe is just 'a man'; I think he's pretty special. I don't know how all this works. My friend Jordan, she really tries to figure out the biology of it and explain it to me, and sometimes knowing that the Inn changed something in my nose so it would respond more to men than women helped and sometimes it just made me feel like the Devil is using my body to tempt me into sin. I don't really understand it, to tell you the truth. I just know that the pieces of the world fit together a lot better around me and Gabe than me alone."
Mom nodded. "A good man does make a lot of things easier."
"It's not just that. I mean, when I first started trying to date guys, it was about that, realizing that America is really not set up for Black single moms and their kids, and trying to find a way to cushion the blow if something went wrong, but I actually started doing all right for myself. Gabe just makes me feel more me, you know? Even if that's not the me I was ten years ago."
Dad nodded, trying to process it, while Mom raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't hurt hat he looks fine and has a good job, though, does it?"
My mouth sort of popped open and stayed that way while the waiter brought us our food. "Oh my god - is that why you're suddenly so much more accepting of all this now? Because I've got a good man?"
Mom looked down at her plate, avoiding eye contact. "It's not just that, although seeing you do so well on that count makes it all a bit more real, but--" She looked around and pulled her chair a little closer to the table and me, sort of remembering that Louisiana is the South, even if New Orleans often seems like a whole other thing. It's just, this past year, with that lady at the Olympics and the election with all those people who call themselves Christians just being so mean about girls who started out as boys and vice versa and then looking to hurt them as soon as they could. It made me realize where the hurt at at you choosing not to be the boy I gave birth to could lead, and, honey, you may not believe this, but I don't want to go there." She reached across the table and took my hands. "You've done so well, even without me helping the way I should have, and that includes Gabriel."
Dad nodded. "I'm not going to say it doesn't sting a bit to see you embrace all this, but..." He didn't seem to know how to end that. "Anyway, I can't imagine changing everything like you did, and kind of figured if you did get married, you'd still be, uh--"
I beamed. "Wearing black instead of white? Let me tell you, I kind of want to! I've stood outside bridal shops and seen those things that go out to here and look like they'll tear if they even get near something with a point, and I just cannot bring myself to go in, and Gabe's family is sending me pictures of dresses with veils and trains and corsets, and sometimes insinuating that me not being gung-ho on the biggest, fanciest wedding and dress and reception is me not wanting to marry him! Trust me, I have fantasized about whether it would be possible to use the Inn to make Gabe the bride and me the groom!"
A tut-tut-tut that I had not heard since high school came out of my Mom's mouth. "Trust me, you do not want to miss out on being a bride!" She looked at her watch and sighed. "You should have told me this earlier; no time to do anything before our flight."
I quickly clicked my phone on and off to see I had about half an hour to get to work, so I signaled for the check, argued over who was paying before I got the bill, and then hugged before pointing them in the direction of the nearest taxi stand and then catching a bus.
That night, I got a text asking if it was okay if she and Momma Kamen came down in a couple weeks to help me choose a dress. Is that something I should look forward to?
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