I spent the whole week doing things I know are bad for me. Eating at the worst fast good restaurants so I don't have any fond memories of the trip, holding my phone in my hands all the time just in case Millie decided to call, even though it's terrible for your mental health. I texted and left messages to everybody in my Inn network, but was kind of curt with everyone, even Ray, mad he wasn't there to help even though I'm the one who said to hold the fort at home.
It could have gotten expensive, too, but Cary knew a guy who knew a guy, and I was able to hunker down in a little cottage that had been rented by a Canadian man who wasn't coming to the U.S. this year. I didn't get a whole lot of work on the new book, being in no mental state to edit, especially when I took a deck chair and moved to the Trading Post's porch ahead of the new groups arriving on Thursday. I wanted to at least have a look at the folks who would be in Room 4.
They didn't show up until late Friday, a couple of tattooed twenty-somethings who just absolutely could not keep their hands off each other, digging right into the fronts of each other's pants right in the off-street parking and yelling an enthusiastic "fuck off" to anyone who looked at them cross-wise. I could immediately see into the future and what the school administration and coaches were going to be calling me about, especially if the guy wound up as Millie. And there wasn't much time, because, sitting on the porch, I'd felt the tingle.
A lot of Inn people don't actually believe in the tingle; they either never registered it, figure those who claim to have felt something the afternoon before the change are retroactively drawing a connection, or just kind of dismiss the idea that magic can reach back in time, because cause precedes effect no matter what. Despite being affected by something otherworldly, Inn folks as a group do not really believe in fate, more likely to see the place as something chaotic even if we settle into a new life and like it. I figure there's no reason magic can't send ripples up and down the timeline, even if it does lead to me doing something I hadn't really considered before I felt it, although it seemed to make complete sense once it occurred to me.
So when I saw they had Room 4, I offered them the place I was staying in exchange. It just made so much sense, even though I hadn't really considered it before doing it. I'd been reaching out to people I know who might agree to be Millie until next year (Ashlyn actually might have done it if she and her boyfriend weren't on a cruise) and making plans for how to deal with someone who decides it might be a decent life, but when it comes right down to it, who else can I really trust?
They thought I was nuts, but went along with it. I let them drive me to the house, grabbed my luggage, and made my way back with the key.
Then I took a deep breath as I opened the door. The room was still set up with a queen bed, Millie's backpack on one side and this other woman's suitcase on the other, and I took the bedding off to form a little next on the floor next to Millie's backpack. I recognized that I was gambling at this point - first, it would be logical that they placed their bags on the sides of the room that corresponded to where they slept, but not certain, because folks don't necessarily figure out the minimal distance thing after just one trip to the Inn. Honestly, there's still some holes in the theory - like, if things work out that there are ten people right on top of where the last person was in the center of the building, but the rooms on the ends have 1 and 2, but in different arrangements in separate visits, will one person change into someone all the way on the other side, or does whatever this force is go for the shortest total distance? Also, by doing this, was I potentially closer to someone on the other side of the wall than where Millie had been? Still, it was the best I could do.
Having a plan felt good, and I decided to indulge myself a bit, taking a cab into Portland, dropping a c-note on a nice dinner (including what I figured would be the last drinks I'd be having for the better part of a year), and coming back to the Inn full and buzzed and thinking that the person who wakes up as Penny in a couple weeks or so was going to have a stomachache and a hangover, and I should probably apologize for it in the letter. I'd stopped at a 7-11 to get some of the energy drinks Millie likes that I usually find gross and popped one open so that I'd be awake for the change.
Around 2am, I set my phone up and started recording, figuring that if someone younger than me wound up becoming Penny, they might appreciate video over text, and assurances that there wasn't multiple layers of deception going on among the people with whom they'd soon be sharing a home. It meant I got to watch myself change, and changing into one's daughter is a trip - it feels less like your face is turning into someone else's than you're noticing how much you have in common, right up until the moment when something she has that you don't shows up. I noticed that my hair hadn't been that long in a while or that dark since I was Liz before any almond shape to my eyelids showed up, and then I pulled my knee up to my chin and, yeah, I keep in shape and have nice legs, but skinny 13-year-old legs are something else. My pajamas were feeling a bit loose all around, and when I stood I could tell that the top and bottom overlapped a little more than they did before, although at the rate Millie's been growing, I'll probably be shrinking again in spring.
I stood up to take a proper look in the mirror, and immediately recognized that even if the alcohol in my body hadn't vanished with the change (and I honestly don't know whether it did or not; it's another thing you get different accounts of), I still bounced to my feet with ease. Nell had been a college and (briefly) professional athlete, and I spend a fair amount of time in the gym to not waste what I had inherited, but it felt downright rude of the Inn to remind me that there is indeed a big difference between how a 40-something woman making her best effort looks and feels and how a sporty 13-year-old girl looks and feels. I took a good look at Millie's face in the mirror, though as someone who has been through this I wasn't sure what I was expecting to find. A beauty mark that hadn't changed? Something missing? Lines that didn't completely vanish? Whatever it was, I suddenly felt like the caffeine was out of my system, and I flopped down on the bed immediately.
By the time I woke up the next morning - Millie can sleep in! - most of the screaming was done, and a note had been slipped under the door asking if there was an extra bag in my room. I resolved to knock on the next door, but had to go to the bathroom first. It all seemed normal enough until I was about to wipe and suddenly had a flashback to when I first became Liz and felt like this was a huge invasion of privacy, that I was now going to have to interact with someone else's private parts - a child! my child! - every day for months. I gritted my teeth and told myself it was better than the alternative, but I still opted to hit myself with some spray deodorant rather than hit the shower, and practically looked away from examining myself in the mirror. I knew from experience that I couldn't avoid this forever, but felt like putting it off.
There was a text from Ray saying that he was on the train when I checked my phone, and I replied saying it happened last night and I'd meet him at the station. Then I gave the woman next door her new clothes and phone and wallet - she looked askance at the opened letter but and then her jaw dropped when I explained the very good reason and extracted a promise to call me as soon as she heard from the person whose life she was taking over, especially if they mentioned Millie - and then headed out. I had a couple hours before the train arrived, and I needed to make a Dunkin' run (apparent teenagers buying breakfast sandwiches and coffee on a Saturday apparently not that unusual) and buy a change of clothes.
Once i'd changed into them, eyes closed as much as possible, I made my way to the train station. It was a little late, as is the Downeaster's wont, but I spotted Ray right away and jumped up, waving my hand in the air. He saw me and started running toward me like he thought I was really Millie and was going to jump into his arms, before realizing that wasn't the case and stopping a little short, and awkwardly extending a hand. "Hey, I guess we're going to be seeing a lot of each other. I guess you must recognize me from the photos on Millie's phone, but where's Penny? I was under the impression you'd met your mother for the duration."
"Uh, I'm right here, hon." It suddenly seemed to dawn on us both that my messages had sort of said all the things I had done over the past few days but hadn't exactly put them together. We started for a couple of seconds and then he pulled me into a hug. "My God, Penny, what have you done?"
I started crying. "The only thing I could think of to do! I mean, who else are we going to trust with Millie's life? Maybe Ashlyn if she were around, but--"
"But she's on that cruise, and it would be so much to ask of her." I could feel the sigh that moved his entire body before he pulled back to give me a kiss, but froze when he saw my new face, hugging me close again. "I wish you'd explained everything yesterday, so I could help."
I shrugged. "How? You'd just try to stay in the room with me, to increase the odds that one of us became Millie, only then we'd probably wind up separated and with all sorts of mess to deal with when it came to change back! The next ten months or so are going to have enough moving parts as it is, and I kind of need you steady." I paused as he gave me a strange look. "Not that I was planning this, mind you, I was just kind of careless in my texting, but this is still probably the best case situation."
"And it sucks."
"It sucks so much! I thought I'd be able to handle it but I've freaked out at least three times since 2am, and I've got no idea whether she'll thank me for this or never forgive me. And now, she's not going to have, you know."
He didn't for a second, but then it clicked. "It could still happen."
I shook my head. "Maybe, but you know they were talking about preparing for menopause and how dangerous 'geriatric pregnancies' can be at my last physical. And we're not going to try and sell the new me on the idea - you've talked to Jonah-slash-Krystle, and maybe you can say her situation's unique, but you know changing this much does weird things to your head, and even someone who said they would just act as an unconventional surrogate--"
He put his finger on my lips, which took me aback; it was something he would occasionally do with Millie when she was motor-mouthing off on a tangent, but not with me, and, again, he seemed to realize it after half a second. "Hey, let's just worry about the kid we've got and not some hypothetical other one, okay?" I nodded. "Have you heard anything?"
I shook my head. "No, but I'm pretty sure my neighbor will work on her predecessor. Millie might be stubborn, but this other woman's a mom, and she'll get it."
"Absolutely." He looked around. "So, do you want to hang around here at all, or just get on the next train south?"
"Oh, next train south, absolutely! Although..." I took out my phone and checked the time. "We've got a couple hours to decide what's staying in the room and what's coming with us - I'm going to need my writing laptop, for example - and maybe grab some hot dogs and let Cary and Krys know the latest and see if they can watch out for anything." I tried to grin. "Maybe he'll have some advice for you about what to do with a tween who thinks she knows everything because she's really an adult!"
He quarter-laughed - it was only half a joke but neither of us really felt like joking - and then we started walking toward the Inn.
-Arthur/Liz/Penny/Millie
1 comment:
I'm astonished, but so impressed by the remarkable lengths you were willing to go to protect your daughter. I wish you all the luck and hope she comes home (and back to her own body/life) safe and sound.
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