Marc/Dustin: Danger Zone

A few weeks ago, when John were making his joint pitch for me to, erm, increase my relationship with him, he said something that stuck with me: that if I didn't focus my attention his way, I would probably just go out and find another Christine.

As you might recall, during my time as Ed I struck up a friendship with a woman named Christine that teetered on something more. It wasn't really fair to either of us but she had no way of knowing that. It's just that sometimes people are in a place and they spark. Did I "look" for her? I didn't think so, but the feeling of clicking with someone at least a little bit is pretty intoxicating and it can be hard to know what the right decision is in a situation like that, you head clouded with, for lack of a better word, desire.

I resented the idea that I would be "looking" for another Christine, that I would risk pulling another person into my orbit just because of my own wants. But probably the reason I reacted so negatively -- and it helped get my little project with John off on the wrong foot -- is because there was truth to it, and I knew it. I think everybody wants love, everybody wants attention and affection and to be understood, and when you're an Inn-cursed person, especially one who isn't set on staying in a particular life, it's hard to form connections and get that. In some ways it's wrong to form connections. But if I was as solitary as I make myself out to be, if I was capable of being objective and pragmatic about the situation, I wouldn't have gotten myself into half the messes I've been in over the years.

Ifena.

You can only be so careful when you're bumping around in the world, you know, trying not to rock the boat. You can't hang a "do not disturb" sign on your heart. You can't keep everyone at arm's length all the time and explain to them, "Sorry, I'm not me, any connection you form with me will not be valid and is not worth pursuing." You can't "ghost" or White Fang someone who lives in the same house as you.

It started back in summer, early on when we were just settling into this status quo. I found myself in a body that seemed to enjoy being up with the sun and brimming with energy. At that time, I was sort of bonding with Mary, who was on a similar bio-rhythm. I was trying to get to know her and learn more about the person I had involuntarily dragged into this mess.

Mary's and my relationship/friendship/dynamic is what it is -- cordial, understanding, even with the big secret between us, but eventually when she started working her routine changed and I didn't see her as much. But who I did see was Ifena. Ify. She took over the role of preparing me a coffee upon my return, and then we would hang out on the front porch and play the day's NYT Games (she's got a real knack for Connections.) Being that I wasn't comfortable talking about "life" as Dustin yet, we'd talk about her, her ambitions, whether she would follow the roadmap she had laid out with her parents to go to law school. I had to recuse myself from that conversation since my experiences in the legal profession left me pretty jaded (although as Chantelle I found some more joy.) She's expressed doubts about her commitment to it, which of course signals to me it's a bad idea, but said she likes the idea of being a public defender, "But my parents would disown me if I went to all that trouble to make what a public defender makes."

Through several conversations, we forged a bond that the real Dustin would never have gotten with her, which caused me some anxiety. What happens when the real guy comes back into her life and disappoints her that he can no longer finish the crossword?

I tried to push these thoughts out of my head, even as Ify started accompanying me to the gym, spending time on the elliptical while I lifted. I started sensing we were approaching the Danger Zone. Ify was getting the best version of Marc, and I could feel myself wanting to be good for her, and starting to suspect that perhaps the feeling was mutual -- even if she played it down to appease PJ, Charly and Madison, who still see me as the original Dustin.

That's around the time John and Mary came to me, and I've since thought that maybe they could tell I was drifting based on the timing of their pitch... they need "Dustin" onside as much as I need them. Whether there was some aspect of John being attracted to me, or what, it was necessary to shore up our relationship credentials for financial benefit and social protection: I have to dissipate whatever is generating between myself and Ify. If there's a perceived crack in the Dustin-Dakota relationship, who knows what that opens me up to?

(I mean, if she were to make an advance, I should, and would, say no obviously, but having an existing relationship makes it that much easier to stay safe.)

That all brings us to Saturday night. Madison was having a mental health episode. Everyone else in the house was too high to drive, but John and I were already asleep and sober, so Ify came to wake me up and ask if I could drive Madison and her to the hospital (it's not my place to explain what the nature of Madison's emergency was, only that she needed help.)

Dutifully, I pulled some jeans and a shirt on and drove them, with John staying back. As they examined Madison, Ify and I talked, and she asked "Not that it's any of my business... but why were you sleeping on the floor?"

"Oh, you know," I stammered, "Dakota's a real blanket hog, and we just, kind of..."

"Uh huh," she kind of laughed, "I mean, you guys really seem like you're going through it. I don't understand it. Do you love her or not?"

I hate lying. For a layer I'm surprisingly bad at it. "I do..." I said noncommittally. "We're just, yeah, it's been rough lately. I literally could not explain it to you if I tried."

"Feels like she's really shown a different side of herself," Ify said. We are so accustomed to just gliding under the radar of people's awareness that we forget that some people really do know when others are put of character.

I saod noting, and she kind of brushed her sholder to mine -- a gesture that felt both innocent and intimate -- and told me she was there for me. Then we talked about Madison and she said that my being here showed who I really was.

We got home just before the sun came up and I crawled into bed -- literally, next to Dakota.

"Not that I mind, but what is this?" She said sleepily.

"I have a few things to say," I said, having rehearsed the whole drive home. "First, this is not a real relationship. It's a matter of convenience. I still think it will be healthiest if we all go our separate ways after returning to the Inn. But it's so much work to be in a fake relationship. People need partners. People need connections. If we are to keep going like this, I think we need to-- I need to try harder to make it feel real. I just need to give in already. Get over myself and just accept that for the time being, it's us. And there's nothing wrong with that."

"Hm," she murmured ambivalently, "Nice opening statement, counselor. I'm not even sure I was awake for all of it, but if you're saying what I think you're saying, I have two requests."

"Uh huh?"

She rolled over to face me, her eyes glistening in the predawn light of the room. "One, kiss me. Right now, with nobody watching."

I leaned in to find her lips with mine and gave her probably the first real kiss I ever have, maybe even going back to our first meeting.

"That's the stuff," she sighed contentedly.

"And the other?"

"When you blog about this, just call me Dakota."

"Okay," I said. "Starting now."

And so, Dakota and I enter the next phase of our ever-evolving -- dare I say it -- relationship. 

Hopefully I don't end up regretting this.

-Marc/Dustin