Shaun/Doug: The Bumpy Road Home

I said I'd be at the inn last weekend. That was the intention. In the end I had to put off the flight to Maine until Thursday.

I had to help Nia move out.

I wanted to keep things tied together. I wanted to keep everything in place until Doug could finally get his body back, but things don't work that way. People don't work that way. I couldn't ask Nia to put her emotions on hold for a month until her real husband returned. And no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't bring her to Maine. It doesn't work that way, either.

Doug is actually livid about this situation. He's not fond of me for messing up his relationship. He's admitted it's the situation not my fault, and maybe nobody could have withstood the pressure I started off with, but it's hard not to use me as a scapegoat. I was the one who had the chance to save their marriage.

He's also not so fond of Nia right now. "That bitch wants to walk out on me? That's how much our vows mean? Fuck her." Wow, it's not hard to see how there was already some negativity built up.

I was tempted to stay. I could have made it work somehow. If Doug was going to react this harshly, he might as well not even go back to her. I like Nia enough that I feel like I could resolve things. I liked being Doug enough that I felt I could continue. It might've been easiest for everyone.

But that's not how life works. If Doug and Nia are going to break up, they're going to have to. And Doug's going to have to be the one signing the papers, it's the right thing. I have my own responsibilities. I have a responsibility to my friends, to go back to the Inn and reclaim my own life, and help them reclaim theirs. This situation might end with everyone being miserable, but it's honest.

So I stayed an extra few days as a gesture of goodwill. Helped her relocate her necessities to her brother's house. She's still simmering with rage that I prioritized a mysterious vacation to Maine over her, but I had an ace up my sleeve. I told her it was for Clara.

Nia doesn't love Clara. She sees her as a burden, and to be honest, I think Doug might agree, but there's something to be said for family loyalty. Nia knows Clara's had a rough few years. And based on what Zane's experienced in Clara's body, she has seen things have gotten worse. If I tell her I'm going as a gift to my sister, she understands. She doesn't love it, but she understands. She even gave me a kiss goodbye when I left her brother's place. And she left a lot of her stuff, which is encouraging.

I have mixed feelings about this. I wish I had kept a more up-to-date blog so you could have a better sense of the ups and downs of this past year. It's hard for me not to sympathize with Nia, but I also want to defend myself to her, so we fight. But I feel like, without this Inn thing between us, we could have had a strong relationship. But I'll never forget it wasn't my relationship to begin with.

We all want to put this in the past. None of us wants to consider the possibility that we won't get our correct bodies back, but I've heard of that happening. Frankly, I just want anything to get me out of this body, but you know, they say be careful what you wish for.

After all, this time last year, I wished I was married, and I got that wish.

I think it will work out. Anthony was very take-charge in arranging this. He's a planner. Meticulous. I trust him. But the fact that he hasn't arrived yet is still troubling...

Shaun/Doug: Cruise Control

From the outset of this whole "transformation" thing, I felt like a lucky duck. It was easy for me to focus on how much more simple my life was going to be as Doug than, say, Zane's as Clara. Every so often I talk to "her" to lend my support, but it usually ends badly. Since this thing with Wes began, "she" hasn't even been returning my calls. And while I'd love to spend a lot of time worrying about my friend's status, the truth is I have a lot of problems of my own.

See, when you have a relationship, especially one based on a shaky foundation (schedules not lining up, also not having any of this man's memories) it's not good to be on autopilot. If you're in a comfortable place and you know it, it can feel like you can just cruise, but if that's not the case, just eking by lets the cracks that already exist get worse.

I guess Doug had a good reason for hiding this from me, and maybe he didn't even see it this way, but there were definitely cracks in his and Nia's marriage. As "good" as I tried to be, as much as I was along for the ride, the fact that my heart wasn't in it has been obvious to her for a long time.

Which feels bad, because since coming here, I've grown to really care about her. When I say "I love you," it's easy to smile because she's really fun to be around. And after the failure of my engagement, I really wanted this relationship to last.

But I wasn't in the right place to dive in. I took advantage of the fact that we weren't always home at the same time. Instead of making time to see her, I maintained that light schedule of "couplehood." When I began to suspect I really might love her, I kept her at arm's length because I know she doesn't love me back, she loves Doug. I didn't want to get hurt. And I got hurt anyway. In the last few weeks I've had to face the facts that I have handled this situation very badly.

I've been stealing away in my spare moments to see Lisa. Since her college term ended last month, she's been around here more, and bored, so when I can I grab some beers and take her for a drive. We talk, about old times, about our current lives... probably the main reason I don't blog to you guys much is because I have her to talk to.

Well, I guess my little outings were not unnoticed, because Nia was waiting up for me. And she had the one question that you don't want to be asked in a marriage, if you don't have a good answer:

"Where have you been?"

I stammered a response, "I, uh, went for a drive." Not terrible. There's a lot of places to drive to around here. "I thought you were working?"

Bad. So bad. Okay, it's believable that I would go for a drive if she was working, but she noticed I was keeping track of her whereabouts and not in a... good way.

"I switched shifts. Who were you with?"

"Nobody," I said.

"I don't believe you."

"I go for drives sometimes when you're not around."

"Is this a joke? Who are you?"

For a second there - just a second - I thought she actually knew I wasn't her husband. But she uses that phrase as a variation on "Who do you think you are?"

She continued, "You should sit down."

I did.

She leaned in and said how much she had noticed my behavior lately. I forget things about our past. Sometimes I don't even respond to my own name. I never seem to want to be around the house with her.

That last one... it's not that I try to get away from her. I like her a lot, but I guess, early on, I caught on to the idea that manipulating my schedule so that I spent less time with her - working on days she had off, working mornings when she worked at night - would lessen the burden on me to pretend to be in a marriage with her.

It was also for my own good. Guys, last summer, when I got this body, I was in no place to be told "You're going to be married to someone right now." I just had my engagement broken off, I was bitter, I was afraid, I was vulnerable. And when I met Nia, and everything seemed so perfect, because this so-called relationship was all set up for me, I... felt things that I had no business feeling. It took a great deal of self-awareness to remember this is not my marriage, this is not my woman, she doesn't love me even if she thinks she does, I have no right to feel entitled to her.

And as a result, I may have gone too far the other way.

"I don't feel comfortable around you anymore," she told me. "You keep too many secrets, you're too distant. You disappear on nights like this, don't think I haven't noticed."

She said, "I know you've got this trip planned again, with your sister and her friends. I don't know why you didn't even ask me to come along. I'd like to think that if you're having an affair you wouldn't be so goddamned stupid about it."

"I'm not having an affair," I told her.

"Don't talk. If you cared about me you wouldn't be going on a trip without me. If you go, I'm not sure I can keep going in this relationship."

That hurt. I thought I was doing better. I thought I had some leeway, but that's not what happens in relationships. You have a partner, and your partner needs to trust you.

My mind raced. If I go without her, I risk destroying the relationship that's been left in my care, that I really wanted to return to the real Doug intact. If I stay then the relationship is safe... but with me in it, stealing another man's happiness. Then I could get comfortable. I could maybe make her love me.

Then I thought about somehow bringing her along. I don't know how that would work, what strange new body she might get. I'd even accept a body that wasn't my own because then she would fully understand what we've been going through for the past year, forgive the real Doug, even if it meant revealing my identity and probably making her hate me forever.

But that's not an option. I could never put another person, especially someone I care about, in this situation. There has to be another way.

Next Saturday, I plan to be in Maine. I have no idea what happens before or after that.

Shaun/Doug: An Uncomfortable Valentine

I'm a romantic. I believe women should be treated special, if you really love them. My ex always got a special treatment on Valentine's Day, and I thought I was being really smooth, buying a dozen roses and leaving one in a different location for Nia before she woke up: Her pillow, the shower, the kitchen, her car... I even dropped a few off at the reception at her Hospital, with the remaining ones to be found when she got home from her shift.

Instead, when she got home, I got "What the hell is this?"

"Uh, a Valentine? I thought it would be a nice..."

She interrupted, "When have we ever done anything for Valentine's? As long as I've known you, we agreed it was just a stupid day, all of a sudden you're all lovey dovey and it's creeping me out."

Swing and a miss.

"I had a... change of heart," I stammered.

"You've been having a lot of those lately," she said.

"I don't know what to say," I said. In reality, I was dying to tell her the truth, but given how far into the lie of Doug Green I've become, that might raise some really, really unpleasant questions.

She said, "I mean, it's just so out of character that I don't know how to take it. Some days it's like you've never even met me before, some days it's like you read me better than ever."

I try. You know, I like Nia a whole lot, and in my real life, I could have seen myself really falling for her, although she's different from all the women I've been with before. But I'm playing the game, trying to let her win as much as I can, because it isn't really my place to stir up a fuss with her. And I don't mind, so long as she's willing to put up with her now-clueless hubby. Since our schedules have actually not overlapped too much, it's worked really well so far.

And then she said this:

"Are you cheating?"

I just stared at her. I probably took way too long to answer, because I was trying to put the pieces together and see how that conclusion made sense. Maybe I avoid her. Maybe I seem uninterested in the relationship. Being "forgetful." All this stuff I can't hide about not being Doug.

"No," I said quietly, still trying to gather my thoughts.

"Really?"

"Really! Nia, I love you."

"How can I believe you?"

I told her every single thing I learned about her since I've been here. Her middle and maiden name. I told her she was 5'6, and "just the perfect weight." She grew up in Oakland and studied Nursing at UC San Francisco. She eats Honey Nut Cheerios every morning, but she'd eat French Toast every day if she could. Her favorite color is blue but her favorite dress is purple. She flosses. She secretly loves Sylvester Stallone movies, and she first met Doug Green because he was dating a girl she isn't friends with anymore.

She crinkled her nose in that cute way she does. "Because I stole you from her."

I told her, "You're worried, because I was stolen once, someone might again, but you're wrong."

I wrapped my arms around her and told her she didn't have worry anymore. She leaned in and kissed me.

"What did you say to me when I finally admitted I wanted to date you?"

I went a bit cold. "I don't know."

"Come on. That's an easy one. I had it engraved in my ring."

"I'm... drawing a blank."

She pulled her wedding band. Inside was engraved. "Right on."

She smiled. "You're the worst husband ever."

So I smoothed that one over. I wish this situation were as easy as just being able to look like Doug and act like myself, but it has actually required a great deal of effort to act in a way Nia accepts from Doug. Doug, if you're reading this, I'm trying, buddy. Keeping things stable for your return, I hope.

Shaun/Doug - Family

I haven't posted in a while. Part of that's because my life, as Doug, is strangely ordinary. Okay, it's still a bit weird to look in the mirror and see a stranger, but I've gotten to know that stranger a bit. I know how to handle his business. I don't try to "act" like him, but so far nobody's looked at me and said "Hey, that's not something you would do." Even when that's true.

Work's been stressful too. My boss, the regional manager, put the screws to me to improve business for the holidays. A lot of my staff are teens and twenty-year-olds who don't take their minimum wage jobs that seriously. I'm trying to figure out how to motivate them. Admittedly, I've been more into work than I have the marriage.

I'm not really in this marriage. A lot of the time, when we fight, or it looks like we're going to fight, I just bite my tongue and roll over, where as Shaun I probably would have stuck it out. I hate having to suppress my feelings like that, but like I said, this isn't my relationship to mess up, like the last one was.

Sometimes it's unavoidable. A while back we were driving somewhere, and I was sticking to the On-Board Navigator instead of taking "her" route, even though "I" should have known my way around. And damn did I get an earful. And instead of "Shut up Goddamnit, I've never driven this way before, I'm not even your husband," I just had to shrug and say "I was trying it out."

Another reason I've been avoiding this blog is that I just didn't want to talk about it. One of the comments on it insinuated that I would enjoy "taking advantage" of Nia. Whether it's true or not, it was inevitably going to be an issue and I just didn't want to discuss it. I mean, it wasn't that long since my finacee broke my heart and I wasn't ready to take up with another woman, let alone one I barely knew. If I had wanted someone on the rebound, I might have picked up on the signals I was getting from Lisa back before we transformed.

Of course, Nia doesn't have this perspective. To her, I'm her man, I have certain responsibilities, and if I don't pay her attention she worries, asks why I'm not after her.

I was avoiding the issue. I knew it was on the table, that it was an inevitability, but I wanted her to bring it up, because I wanted to be sure I wasn't going to get in trouble for asking. I didn't want to seem like I wanted it to happen. In part, I didn't want it to happen. I would have been content to be one of those couples that spends every night side by side in bed, breathing softly in unison, until they drift off and roll over to "their sides."

Then one night I was lying in bed asleep when I heard her come in. She tends to work late, this was maybe 2 AM. She appeared in the bedroom doorway, leaning on the frame for support.

"Me and the girls went for drinks. Did you miss me?"

"Miss you?" I said, "I wasn't even aiming!" It was a dumb joke I had with my old fiancee, which Nia just shrugged off.

She crawled into the bed, carefully placing her hand on my leg as if to say "This is mine." She starts kissing me on the lips. I don't pull away - I know I can't - but I don't really kiss back either.

"How long has it been, Dougie?"

"Too long," I sigh, half-honestly.

"I don't wanna be one of those couples that never touches each other. Gimme some right now."

I had no choice but to obey. Doug's body was making me, and Nia's hand was placed in just the right place to be able to tell. "Hello," she said as she reached over my pajama waistband.

As reluctant as I had been, I liked this part of it. She's a very sexy woman, so it was easy to get over my hesitation. I haven't had a woman pay me this kind of attention in months, and the feeling that this was... new, maybe even not totally right, was kind of a thrill. While it was happening, I tricked myself into believing Nia knew me, and not Doug. But when it was over, I felt awful.

Well somehow I convinced myself to do it a few times since then. You know, taking one for the team.

The real hassle is the holidays. For Thanksgiving, I invited Zane over, because he's technically my "sister," and it would be nice to have someone on my side for my first meeting of both "our parents" and Nia's.

Admittedly, Zane didn't seem to enjoy himself much. He was very sulky, as you might expect. And that girl's face has a way of conveying sadness that makes you feel truly awful. It was really awkward to see "our mom" pry info out of "Clara" about her modeling career prospects. I was hoping I could do something to help his mood, but maybe dragging him out to a family gathering was not the right idea. It doesn't help that Nia's got a pretty low opinion of Clara, and asked me not to let "her" come to dinner. But that was one of the few instances where I stood my ground.

She respected it, but there was no lovemaking that night.

Shaun/Doug - First fight

I don't know what to think. A month ago, I was in Massachusetts, recently dumped -- left at the altar -- and now I'm in California playing house.

Doug lives with his wife Nia in a decent house in the Valley. I really like the California weather. It'll be interesting to see what a winter's like without snow. There are plenty of upsides to this life. I thought the store Doug manages was a hardware store, but it's more of a general supermarket/pharmacy/everything store, kind of a local Wal-Mart knockoff we don't have out east. Doug outlined his basic duties and adapting hasn't been all that hard. The day-to-day stuff isn't that bad. Mostly people know their jobs and I can walk around figuring out where everything goes and who does what. Luckily, the staff all wears nametags to keep track of that sort of thing.

That's not what worries me about being Doug. He left his life in decent shape and I'll be happy keeping it as stable as I can until we can change back. There are just bigger issues to deal with.

That would be the wife. As I mentioned in my previous posts, I literally just got out of a long term relationship with the woman I thought I was going to marry. I'm not really "up" for being someone's husband.

Don't get me wrong, I'd be good at it. I've cohabitated for years. I loved not only my ex, but the whole feeling of having someone at home, someone around to talk to, to share interests, to be with. But that's only when you're ready for it. When you know and trust the person. This lady... I don't know. Although I can't say I blame her for acting standoffish toward me.

She's a nurse. Whereas I'm keeping business hours, she's out all the time. The first week, I hardly saw her. But she didn't make a great first impression.

I don't blame her for it. Her husband disappeared to the other side of the country for what, three weeks, a month, with no word why, and I wasn't exactly armed with the greatest excuses. Anthony cooked us up a cover story that Zane -- my "sister" Clara -- had gotten sick, but that just irritated Nia.

The thing is, she's totally right. Relationships need trust, and it looks like Doug broke that even though he didn't mean to. I just have to bear the brunt of her wrath, and that sucks, because I'm really not in the mood to take the heat for something so far beyond my control or even understanding. I can't tell her I'm not her husband, I can't explain why "I" was so late in coming home. All I can do is promise it won't happen again, even though I can't promise anything of the sort.

I sat there, listening sullenly as she ranted and raved at me -- having just gotten off a long shift, understandably overflowing with rage -- then she stopped and said "Well, are you going to say anything for yourself? Make some smartass comment?"

I just held my tongue and said "No. You're completely right."

This led her to chewing me out for not holding my ground. I tell you, I'll never understand women. When I didn't fight back even then, she stopped. "I guess you must mean it, if you're not going to try to defend yourself."

I didn't say anything more except, "Do you want me to sleep on the couch?"

She twisted her mouth. "After the past few weeks? I'm not spending another night in bed alone. Come on."

She led me up to bed. I was worried she was going to want me to be intimate, which I'm really not in the mood for. I don't know what Doug would think, but I don't know if it's my place to avoid it forever either.

Instead, all we did was crawl into bed in our pajamas, which is definitely something I could handle. After all the craziness of my life the past few weeks, I was glad to be in bed with another human. To feel her body close to me, to hear her breath as she sleeps. It was like sharing a bed platonically with Lisa back in Maine.

I barely slept that night. By the time I did wake up, she was already gone.

Between you and me, she's pretty easy on the eyes. She keeps in shape and has a beautiful dark complexion that I later learned was from being mixed African-American and Caucasian. If I saw her in public I'd definitely give a second look.

I feel a little sleazy for saying that, though. That's another man's wife.