Krystle Marie Kamen Potts, née Jonah Glass

As a teenage boy, I used to roll my eyes at women talking about their weddings being the best days of their lives, but oh my god, they might have been onto something.  I mean, the day my daughter was born is right up there, but that hurt!

Like I said yesterday, I was up early, because if a regular woman has regular wedding day jitters, I was tripling down with how this is a day when people might believe the story of the Inn even without a seemingly-friendly Mackenzie there.  Then I made a coffee because edgy isn't exactly the same thing as energetic, and, oh boy, I was wired when everybody - Momma Kamen, the bridesmaids, Little Moira, the wedding planner - showed up.

Because imagine every joke about waiting for a girl to get ready before a date, and then being thrown into a situation where they're not only real, but they don't go half far enough, because not only is this the date, but you're a gym girl who can do casually sexy but has to take advice from everybody else about "pretty".  So I'm trying to brush the perm I got Thursday back into shape and Karla is like girl, come on, you know you're going to need product for that, and then I'm sitting still so she can put it in and do whatever she does to give it body while Momma Kamen is exfoliating my feet because I'm gonna be barefoot at some point and it wouldn't do to be the slightest bit ashy.  Once that's done, folks are painting my nails white to match my dress, really concentrating so it looks perfect, which makes me feel kind of silly because I'm wearing the camisole and pajama shorts I put on after I showered.

Then the dress.  Did I mention there's a corset?  There's a corset.  Unlike the first dress I tried with one, it's not the torture device guys tend to think it is - it's just a way to get your boobs riding high, and if it hurts it's too tight - but the first time someone tightens those laces it's like, damn, what did I get myself into?  There's garters and stockings and tiny little buttons on the back, and it's all made of lace, so you feel like any sort of movement will tear it.  I'm sure folks who were born ladies will laugh, saying it's tougher than it looks, but it's also pure white, which means you're afraid to touch anything, including the daughter whose namesake decided to give her chocolate when she was saying she was bored and hungry!

Then there's makeup, and I don't know about anyone else, but sitting still while someone fusses about your face or tells you to close your eyes so they can paint the lids blue feels unnatural, especially when it's being done by a "sister" who has issues with her sibling that extend long past the point where you became that sibling.  Somehow, during all this, all my friends and family have changed into their own fancy dresses which are not nearly so complicated.  Jordan puts my four-inch heels on my feet, and I kind of wobble as I stand up, because even though I've gotten to the point where heels don't embarrass me very often, but I'm still pretty wary about a whole day in them. 

I gasp when I finally looked in the mirror.  I looked amazing, the absolute best version of Krystle Kamen, and after the previous night, I didn't feel terribly guilty saying that, and not just because it was an army of women getting me glammed up.  Even the parts that were unmistakably me, the climber's arms and legs that I sometimes feel make me look mannish, just seemed like the way they were supposed to be. 

Moira agreed.  "You look so pretty, mommy!"

Jordan leaned in.  "Kind of defies belief sometimes, doesn't it?"

I nodded, and we got in the limo.  I barely had time to enjoy that I was in a limousine before we got to the church and were ushered into a side room. 

My father was waiting there; with Krystle's out of the picture, Momma Kamen had agreed to let him give me away.  I'd initially kind of bristled at the idea of being "given away", and not just for feminist "I'm not property" or Inn-girl "I'm really a man" reasons. I'd struck out on my own to make a life for myself years ago, and wasn't moving from my father's house to my husband's.  On the other hand, it was a way to involve my dad, whose eyes bugged when he saw me. 

"My God."

"I know!  It's crazy!  But here we are!"

"Here we are."  He stiffly offered an arm, and I pulled my veil down before taking it.

The organ started, and my bridesmaids filled out after Gabriel's little cousins who were serving as ring beater and flower girl.  They paired off with the groomsmen, except for Little Moira, who I gather was a little ham, directing her glance all over the church and waving at everyone she knew.

Then the music changed and it was our turn.  The aisle seemed miles long with everyone looking at us, and I did almost stumble a couple times.  As I mentioned last week, there were a lot more of Gabe's folks in the church than mine, which did maybe make me feel a bit more like I was being "given away".  Eventually, we got to the altar, and my dad presented me to Gabe, saying he couldn't have any idea what "this girl" meant to him, before going back a couple rows to sit with Mom. 

I'd meet the minister a couple days earlier, and he was a nice older man, formally retired a couple years ago but occasionally officiating for folks like Gabe who had attended his church when they were younger but who didn't have any connection to his replacement.  He didn't make me feel diminished or like an interloper, which I would occasionally see happen in our church back home. Our vows were pretty close to the standard (no "obey"); I had made a go at writing my own but as you might imagine, I always felt like I was leaving important pieces out when telling our love story.  Even saying we re-connected during the pandemic when others were coming apart seemed like too big a lie to speak in church, to me. 

At last the "I Do" bit came and I said it with surprisingly little hesitation.  When he slipped the wedding band onto my finger, it felt different from the engagement ring, a tiny handshake that doesn't let go rather than a weight.  I'd wear jewelry more often if it felt like that. 

Then came "You may kiss the bride", and, folks, have you ever been kissed on the mouth in a spot made for everyone to be looking at you?  Not just in public where you don't care if people see you, but where people seeing you is the whole point?  It's pretty heady; I don't think I even heard everyone cheering and stomping their feet until I came up for air! 

There were pictures, then, and then the reception, and I've got to admit, last night is sort of a blur.  Gabe's best man made a really nice speech, and Karla did not feel the need to list all the ways this life had been self-sabotaged before I inherited it, which was nice for Mackenzie, I imagine.  Gabe did wonder who the white girl in Dominic's seat was, and I don't even remember what sort of explanation I gave.  His cousins liked her, though, especially when they discovered the redhead could dance. 

So much dancing!  One of the groomsmen said I had dancers' legs from all my time in the gym, but even those start to get sore after a couple of hours where everyone wants to dance with the bride.  It went on well past my daughter being ready to drop, but apparently the kids being brought up to their rooms and being put to bed is the point where everyone can leave their heels on their seats and bop around in stockings or bare feet. 

Eventually, even Mackenzie and Gabe's best man were ready to give up.  Gabe came to the bridal site with me and waited on the bed while I touched up my makeup and got out of my dress to reveal the lingerie underneath.  I walked out to display myself to him and he gave a big, relaxed smile.  I crawled on top of him and we started undressing each other, kissing and caressing until we were making love. 

I'm pretty sure I haven't had sex without a condom since that first time - immediately getting pregnant while you still think of yourself as a guy makes an impression! - and while it wasn't night and day, it felt a bit different, especially when we came and I could really feel it inside.  It felt so good, and it just generally feels good to feel safe doing it because I trust him to be there for me no matter what.

After that, we slept practically until check-out time, barely having time to dress (in t-shirt, yoga pants, and slip-on sneakers) and pack before heading down for brunch.  That was nice, but chaotic, though it was kind of nice that it was mostly my friends and family, since they were in the hotel and Gabe's folks were all home or at church.  That meant there was some of what Zee might call "Inn-uendo" floating around, but not too much - Mom and Dad really aren't great with being reminded that Jordan was also a guy once upon a time, and Mackenzie flew home without saying goodbye - and it was fun to kind of hold court for a while, saying hi to everyone before they got on their flights and headed home or, like Jordan and Momma Kamen and us, to their next stops.

Indeed, I'm writing this from mid-air, on our way to our honeymoon in Cape Verde!  Gabe's made a plan for being up and on the right time when we arrive that involves sleeping pills and caffeine, and maybe it will work, but Jordan's got more experience with international travel and she says to power through until you are exhausted enough to fall asleep as soon as your head hits a pillow at 10pm local time and then wake up refreshed at a reasonable hour the next day.  Momma Kamen will be staying at the house and making sure Moira gets to school for a week, probably spoiling her rotten, but I'm really looking forward to just being with Gabe for that time.

-Krystle Marie Kamen Potts!

Jonah/Krystle: Unexpected Guest

Well, that was unexpected. 

There was a rehearsal dinner last night, which is a tradition that gets kind of weirder the more you think about it, because at some point it was probably the first time the two families met and they were feeling each other out, but, you know. pleasant enough.  My parents weren't there, just Momma Kamen, and that felt kind of wrong, but they told be a few weeks ago not to worry about this, although I still did.  It ended with us being told to rest up and we mostly did, though Jordan and Moira chose to hang around the hotel bar.

I had one drink with them after sending Little Moira upstairs with Karla and her kids - she was really excited to see her cousins and they were having a kind of slumber party - and when I was headed up myself, I caught some hotel employees trying to rouse a girl who had fallen asleep in one of the chairs in the lobby.  I was about to turn away, minding my own business, when something clicked and I ran over.  I motioned for them to stand back and then whispered "it's Krystle" in her ear.

She bolted upright, pushing her red hair back from the front of her face, and shook her head looking at me.  "This is still so weird!"

I nodded.  "Sure is, Mackenzie.  What are you doing here?"

"Not causing trouble, I promise!  I, uh..."  She looked at the other folks around us and I shooed them away, which made her a lot less tense.  "Okay, I, um, was trying to pay attention in class today, like, really trying, to distract myself, and after second period I decided I just couldn't do it, and called Cory to tell him I had to get down here, just to be here and see it and wish you well.  Mackenzie's too young to rent a car or even buy train tickets, but it turns out it's not just faster but way cheaper to fly from Portland to Atlanta, so Cory got me on the last seat on the plane."

"And you found my hotel how?"

"Cory called Zee who called Ashlyn who knew where Moira was staying.  She wasn't sure about telling him, but since I was already on my way..."  She half-smiled.  "It sounds absolutely insane, I know, but how could I not be at my own wedding?"

I had a funny feeling looking at her just then.  Inside, I know Mackenzie, the original Krystle, is the exact age I appear to be, obviously, while I often think of myself as the teenager i was when I checked into the Inn.  At that moment, though, she seemed genuinely 17, and it was my responsibility as a more mature adult to understand the big emotions she was feeling, and to give her some grace. 

So I did.  "I'd actually be really glad to have you there.  After all, even if you barely remember Gabe, I probably don't meet him without him remembering you."

She smirked.  "You owe me so much."

"I really do.  Can I start with dinner?  Or a room?  You weren't planning to hang around the lobby all night were you?"

She shook her head.  "Da-- Cory booked me a room here too, but--"  Her stomach growls on cue.  "Maybe a snack."

We got some calamari for her and a white wine for me, and then found it awkward at the table, so we wound up texting across from each other.  Initially I was telling Jordan not to look in an obvious way but that Mackenzie was at the table with me, and would she make sure she got to the right place the next morning?  Also, if Dominic wasn't coming, was it okay if she took his place at the reception?  When she said yes, I sent texts to the wedding planner about the change.  Eventually, though, we found few folks up that late, and just kind of staring at each other.

She chuckled when she noticed my breasts resting on the table a bit as I leaned forward.  "You know, it's been so long I can barely remember what it was like lugging that rack around.  Like, I was happy when my boobs finally came in, and jealous of some of the girls who got bigger, but I kind of love dancing more now that it's not all about them swinging around and guys staring at them.  Is that weird?"

"Nah.  I mean, I kind of hated them until I was nursing Moira and they finally seemed useful rather than just in the way.  Although, man, when they were pregnancy/nursing-sized... Ugh!"  We laughed as I sat back up straight.  "Okay, if we're going to talk about this stuff...  What's it like being white?"

She blushed a bit, then started nervously twirling a bit of hair.  "It's weird.  Like, you've had to deal with how I didn't finish high school, and I kind of brought the same attitude the second time around, but people didn't give up on me.  I don't know how much of that is a better-funded school and how much of it is people seeing me as having potential rather than being a lost cause.  It's not easy or anything, because people shit on girls and foster kids and it's not like Cory is rich enough that I can have everything my classmates do, but I kind of feel like I'm fighting one less thing."  She shrugged.  "It's not like I'm some sort of big Swiftie or anything, though.  Might be easier if I was, because liking the music and movies I like and doing hip-hop dance marks me too.  And sometimes I forget that this isn't what I grew up thinking of as normal, the first time.  At least until the crazy-hot guy on the basketball team doesn't even think redheads are cute!"

She yawned then, and stood.  "Well, I guess we should get to bed.  You've got a busy day tomorrow!"

I nodded and rode the elevator with her awkwardly, getting off first.  I have to admit, I gave myself a closer look than usual as I undressed and did my evening skin-care routine, wondering if she'd seen anything that she decided she didn't want back from how civil and friendly that had all been.  Or maybe we'd just both been who we were for long enough that being someone else felt like a lot of effort.

I slept pretty fitfully, which is why I'm up and at my laptop so early.  But I think that's just wedding-day jitters - "I dos" are only a few hours away, and I'm probably going to spend most of that time getting ready.

-Jonah/Krystle

(Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, she's asked me to call her Mackenzie when I talk about her, even though I try to use everyone's original given names and like that Jordan writes about me as "Jonah".  She says she doesn't want me to doubt myself, and certainly seems sincere enough about that.)

Jonah/Krystle: T Minus Eight Days

I'm getting married next week.  To a man.  It's absolutely insane, when you think about it. 

On the other hand, it's crazy how not insane it is.  I thought that I would be back to posting here weekly with all sorts of "all these weird girl things around the wedding are crazy and I haven't felt more like I shouldn't be here since I pushed a baby out of my body" rants, but it hadn't worked out that way.  Probably not because I've become a woman all the way down to whatever deep, feminine part of the brain yearns for pretty dresses and professions of undying love, but because we appear to have hired a pretty good wedding planner.  She knows her job and neither Gabe nor I have much on the way of bridezilla (or groomzilla) tendencies.  She'd give us a list of options, we'd look them up on Yelp, and if we didn't immediately agree, and one of us had a reason to care - like, say, better vegan options for Gabe's cousin - it seldom ran up against issues for the other.  Heck, I even came to kind of enjoy the dress fittings.  Sure, some of it was boring enough that I occasionally wished they had ESPN on like they do at Gabe's barber shop (or even Lifetime), but having a dedicated specialist make sure I'm the most beautiful I can be is kind of nice, especially if you grew up a guy and can be uncertain about this topic rather than a girl who has been obsessing over her wedding being perfect since she was a 4-year-old flower girl. 

I guess what I'm saying, Inn girls, is to outsource this stuff whenever you can! 

Even if I was more lost at sea amid all the preparations, though, I probably wouldn't have had time to write about it.  It seems like every time I take a couple days of time off, I've got to train some assistant manager to handle all of the stuff that I typically do, Moira decided she wants to do youth basketball, and Gabe has been all over, asking how he can help with everything and extra amorous with the wedding approaching, which is great, but doesn't give me a lot of alone time.  Maybe that's for the best - married couples are gonna be up in each other's business - but I am already kind of enjoying this long weekend where he's in New York with his friends for the bachelor party. 

My biggest hassle right now is the bachelorette party.  I know, it's usually the Maid or Matron of Honor's job, but when considering the choice between Boston, Atlanta, and New Orleans for any sort of party, let alone one for an ethnically mixed group, NOLA was the clear winner.  Atlanta may be very nice, but none of us really know the place, and I can at least bike by places Karla finds here to scope them out. 

Yes, Karla is Matron of Honor, in part because I wasn't sure Jordan or Original Moira would be able to make it and I didn't want to do "instead of your sister?" stuff.  We've been getting along well lately, at least, although I'm kind of alarmed by how sparsely populated my side of the church will be compared to Gabe's.  Shouldn't I have more friends?  I'm a nice person!  But, then, I'm also a technically-still-single mom who has moved a couple of times.  I've got coworkers and maintain good relations with Moira's friends' parents, and they'd go to my wedding if it was local, but not to Atlanta.  Gabe's got a bunch of friends from high school and college coming, but apparently a lot of Krystle's high school friends are holding grudges and mine are white folks five years younger than the age on my new passport who would be difficult to explain.  I sent save-the-dates to them all anyway, figuring we could say they were friends of Jonah's (true!) that were more help when I was pregnant and a new mom than my baby daddy (an exceptionally low bar!), but even the ones who texted me back saying they were excited and happy for me (mostly girls) had long put even thinking about the cursed Inn behind them.  Maybe being married will lead to couple friendships, or I'll just stop worrying about it again once this isn't staring me in the face any more.

Of course, the one person who didn't RSVP at all is the one that's been the central figure in my most frequent nightmare of late.  That'd be Joseph, my roommate at the Inn who got changed into Krystle's boyfriend Lamont and wound up serving the rest of his sentence.  Of you remember, he got really upset when I showed up dressed nice because I figured he might enjoy a night out with a pretty girl when he was released, and really freaked out when I discovered I was pregnant.  In my nightmare, the wedding is going well, until he bursts in at the "should anyone have any reason" moment, announces that I'm really a man, and because it's a life-changing moment, everyone believes him, and it turns out that Gabe, his while family, Moira, and everyone is way more homophobic than I thought and turn on me.  I wake up on a cold sweat and tell Gabe I don't remember my dreams. 

But I do, every one of them.  There are a ton where we for some reason book the Inn (or someplace similarly cursed) for it honeymoon and most of the time I wake up as my old self and he's Krystle, or some other woman, and that can go either way but is usually kind of fun, but one time I woke up as Mackenzie and he was this giant roided-up version of himself with the intention of punishing me for stealing Krystle's life and lying to him, and I'm glad I woke up before the worst.  One time it was months later, and he was still a man, but I somehow got him pregnant on the honeymoon! 

I'm not reading anything into it, other than the Inn giving my subconscious more to work with when anybody would be having stress dreams.  It's gonna be great!

But, yeah, even with a good planner, I'm really expecting after the wedding to be much better than these weeks before it.

- Jonah/Krystle

Jonah/Krystle: Saving a Date

We've sent out cards.  May 31st.  I am getting married on May 31st, 2025,

That's just the start, of course - we're still trying to figure out where.  Neither of us have a whole lot of close friends here in NOLA.  Well, that's not true; we've got a fair number of them, but none that are so much a part of our lives that we're going to prioritize making it easy for them over our immediate families.  I don't have a whole lot of people in the Boston area - Momma Kamen, Karla, her kids, Moira, and a few others - but that would also be a fairly easy drive for my actual parents in New Hampshire, and what friends from my high school days as Jonah I still keep in touch with.  Not that they are exactly invited to the wedding officially - good luck trying to explain to Gabe why! - but I'll probably send out something so that they'll know, if they want to watch from the back of the church or something.  Gabe, meanwhile, has some family in that area even though most of his friends are still in New York and his close family is in Georgia.  We'll probably invite June/Jonah as well, although I'm just as glad that his engagement to Alana fell apart and I don't have to worry about whether or not to to to their wedding.

It's tricky.  Between us, Gabe & I make a decent living, but we'll probably be asking a lot of people who can't quite so easily absorb a flight and a hotel for a weekend to do so, depending on where we choose, and thinking of that almost makes me understand the ladies who go crazy about their weddings.  It can be so expensive to you and the people who attend it, and so inconvenient, that you kind of have to become a bitch and make demands and impose on people to make it happen.  I kind of don't know if I've got what it takes to do that; my head wasn't filled with this as a fantasy and important milestone since I was a kid.  I'd kind of be okay with eloping or going to the courthouse and then visiting folks between the ceremony and the honeymoon - which kind of seems like people used to do in old books and movies before something made everyone decide they had to do it big sometime in the 20th century - but there's a surprising amount of people in my life who want to see me in a lacy white dress that I'll spend a lot of money on but only use once.

We're leaning Georgia and looking up wedding planners who specialize in co-ordinating with out-of-towners.  Seems to be more effort, but I feel weird whining about it.  I ought to ask Ashlyn if I can zoom into the next Boston Inn People thing at the Changeling and see if any other guys-turned-girls feel really weird about weddings.

The funniest part, though, is the question of me taking Gabe's name.  I'm kind of excited to do it; as much as I answer to Krystle Kamen immediately these days, it's also kind of a reminder that everyone expects me to be part of a family that I don't entirely feel is mine, especially with all the K's between that and Karla and half of her kids.  Gabe, on the other hand, is a good feminist dude who doesn't like the idea of symbolically diminishing his wife's identity and the like.  I'd like to think I'd have gotten there by now if I were still living as Jonah Glass.  But, honestly, I kind of like the idea of choosing to be Krystal Potts, as opposed to someone else's name.

I mean, sure, "Krystle Potts" sounds kind of funny, and maybe he took some grief for being Gabriel Potts at some point, but, look, I'm already "Krystle".  It's sort of last-name proof.

We've got six months to talk about it, which both seems like a crazy amount of time and not nearly enough.

-Jonah/Krystle

Jonah/Krystle: We Bought A House

And by "we", I mostly mean "Gabe" because he's got a lot more savings and a better credit history than I do, even if you don't make a lot of assumptions about what the original Krystle was doing in her life.  All the paperwork is in his name, and I'm more or less cool with that, even if I probably should be more paranoid about my whole life being upended instantly.

We got a pretty decent deal in a good location - Moira isn't going to have to change school districts and can still see her friends without a whole lot of effort.  Between what the two of us make, it's surprisingly affordable, although I do kind of worry that this is in part because we're in New Orleans and can wind up literally underwater at any time.  I wasn't really old enough for Hurricane Katrina to really register with me, but both my parents and Momma Kamen asked me if it really makes sense to buy property in the Delta.  Maybe it's not, but, somehow, this has become my place, and our place, and I don't want to leave it.

Of course, moving in has been another reminder of how the Inn has left me, even after nine years, a little afraid to settle in:  My apartment had enough furniture and other stuff that we had to use a bigger moving van this time, but the amount that's Moira's dwarfs the amount that's mine.  Yeah, Gabe and I and other people spoil her, but I never bought much of a sofa for the living room or much more than the minimum for the kitchen, and the bed I bought two years ago went on Facebook Marketplace.  I'm sure my lady friends have noticed that I cycle through my nice outfits a lot faster than they do on girls' nights.  They believe me when I say I've been poor (which isn't really a lie), but there's still some "you could be someone else tomorrow" in there.

And then, once Moira and I got our stuff in, Gabe arrived with his van, which was packed, even though I kind of gather that his apartment in New York was actually smaller than ours:  Bigger TV, a sofa and a recliner, sports memorabilia, a record player and a bunch of vinyl...  More to show for being 30-ish than I do, for sure!

(For those keeping track, my driver's license says I'm 31 and I've lived 25 years; I've gotten used to saying the former when asked my age but it still feels like lying, more than writing "Krystle Kamen" for my name and marking "female" for my sex does!)

The house isn't big, but it's got a kitchen, living room, and dining area downstairs; three bedrooms upstairs, and an attic that could probably be converted to some other use.  We set up one bedroom to use as Gabe's home office, since he'd be working remotely now, before starting on the master bedroom.  We put the new king-sized bed together and filled closets and bureaus, and then stood back to look at our handiwork.  He beamed, but I was like, "huh!"

Not the expression he was expecting.  "Something wrong?"

"No, it's just kind of hitting me that we're basically married now.  This is a shared space, we're splitting the bills, no place to retreat to if we get upset.  It's different than sharing a room in a cramped apartment with Moira or Karla.  Like, next year isn't when things change, but just when we throw a party and sign some papers.  This is the actual day."

"Is that a problem?"  His eyes hit a cross necklace that I'd laid on top of my dresser.  "Of course it is; I just assumed.  Look, I can move some stuff into the office and get another bed--"

I put my hands on his cheeks and kissed him.  "No, it's not a problem, it's just, look, you know I'm kind of a weird girl with a lot of contradictory stuff in my head.  I didn't really grow up dreaming about my wedding or being Missus someone, so it's kind of the first time I'm thinking of a lot of this."  I stepped in a bit closer.  "It's kind of nice to know there's going to be someone there to hold me every night."

He took the hint and pulled me in, cupping my butt and letting my soft chest press against his hard one.  "I'm not going to mind holding this, either."

"Mm."

He chuckled.  "Of course, if we do enough, then that home office might have to double as a nursery."

It was the first time either of us had said something like this, but, strangely, it didn't leave me shaken.  "Well, we'd better be careful on the timing.  See what the next year brings before we make that commitment!"

Moira interrupted us at that point, but we did pick up where we left off later, and I can confirm - I does feel pretty good to fall asleep in your man's arms, in the bed you share, in the house that has your names on the door.

-Jonah/Krystle

Jonah/Krystle: Just a bridesmaid, not yet a bride

 ... but it's good to see things from inside.

(Doesn't exactly rise from just rhyming to poetry, does it?)

So, I don't talk about the family I was shoved into a lot these days.  Part of moving to New Orleans was that being part of someone else's family is weird, after all, and it's not fair since Momma Kamen and Karla and the rest don't know that they're part of this weird identity-switch thing so they shouldn't be too much a part of the blog without knowing.  But it sometimes means I'm probably not fair to them; Karla, especially, probably got a raw deal because I still kind of looked down on women like her, raising multiple kids from multiple men and moving back in with her mother, when I first became Krystle, and even when my life started running on a similar track, I had a tendency to see it as God teaching me humility, which can kind of let you still think less of someone, like the important lesson is "don't be a jerk about it" as opposed to actual empathy.  That she kind of enjoyed her little sister getting knocked down a peg didn't exactly make things easier.

But things are better between us now, and not just because we're far apart and our kids liked each other.  She's also really gotten her life together as well, and while I certainly know a lot better than I would have before to say it's because she's got a good man in her life, Rakim's presence has not exactly hurt.  They both seem to think so too, because (as I'm sure anyone reading this has guessed by now), they got married on Saturday.

Also obvious:  I was a bridesmaid.  It's kind of weird, because I'm not really her sister and I don't know if I would have been just a few years back when we saw each other often, but I suspect she might have included her sister Krystle just to please her mom even if she or I had been fighting.  Which meant that I took a full week of vacation for this and flew up to Boston with Moira last Friday.

We got there ahead of Gabe, so I checked into the hotel he had booked and took Moira to the Children's Museum, which isn't far off from where his train would get in at South Station.  I'd kind of expected this to be a group thing, figuring that when I told Moira we were taking a trip back East, she'd want to see some of her old friends, but she never mentioned them.  It's been two years, I know, an eternity for a little kid, but she had left her old life more or less completely behind.

Eventually, Gabe got in, and we made an early night of it after getting some dinner because even one time zone change can hit a kid hard when bedtime is supposed to be 8pm.  Sitting in the hotel room with Gabe that night was kind of a strange sensation, because we hadn't arrived a week early just so that we could see the fireworks on the Fourth - we were going to be introducing him to a fair number of people, and wanted to do it early enough so as not to look like we were stealing the bride's thunder.

And we did.  Of course, Saturday was already spoken for, as Karla had made an appointment for me to actually try on my bridesmaid's dress so the shop could do any alterations.  She clucked a bit about forgetting how muscular climbing made my arms - I really like it, but I readily admit that anything sleeveless really highlights them and anything with sleeves looks tight unless it's fairly loose, and because of my chest, anything too loose makes me look fat; even when I'm not going to a wedding, I try everything on before buying, which I never did as a guy - but she rightly cooed about how adorable Moira was in her "junior bridesmaid" dress.  Seven is apparently too old to be flower girl, and Rakim has a younger niece.

Then we spent most of the day with Karla, her kids, Rakim, Momma Kamen, and some other Kamen family I've probably never mentioned.  Some of them had met Gabe before, but either before I was Krystle or during the height of the pandemic, so it was basically new.  They all seem to like him, although there were a lot of questions about whether he knew about "my" wild past, and thus a lot of cutesy "I'm a whole different woman these days".

Sunday was a chance to see "Big Moira", who remains completely taken with her namesake and joked about how if she'd known that all it took to get me to visit was someone getting married, she'd have started looking harder for men who aren't complete shite years ago (leaving Little Moira confused as to whether or not she'd said a bad word).

After that, it sort of became a blur.  My parents came down to see Moira and meet Gabe, which justifiably left him a bit confused as to why I almost seemed more excited to see them than my mother and sister, and I said it was complicated, that they'd been a big help when I was pregnant and continued to be even though things were really complicated between me, them, "Jonah", his girlfriend, etc.  Hopefully he'll never have any reason to really dig into the chronology of it, because we all kind of stretched the truth a lot.

While Gabe and Mom were playing with Moira in a park, Dad chuckled, saying he never thought he'd be telling me I'd found a really good man, then awkwardly mentioned that he didn't know if he and Mom would have been okay if it had come to that without all the Inn weirdness.  He likes to think he would, but it's taken them a long time to really come to grips with it, especially since he really didn't understand if I was trans, nonbinary, or what now.  I said I really didn't either, that I know some people in the same boat who have gotten into what the Inn does to our gender identities, but I've just been trying to take it as it comes, and eventually Gabe was part of what came.

He was being very careful about asking whether, in the moment Gabe had proposed, I had felt like I could tell him the truth.  I knew that part of the question was that if I had, I'd be able to tell him who Mom and Dad really are to me, and it probably hurt them a little that I hadn't.  I told him truthfully that I was overwhelmed in the moment, and that as I thought about it afterwards, I wasn't sure.  Gabe's not homophobic or transphobic, to the point where I've seen him tell a guy that hit on him that he had a girlfriend, but, hey, it can't hurt to ask, but I don't know if I want to because it's hard to kick out one of the things a relationship was originally built on even if we've created a much more solid foundation.  He understood, and understands that I hate lying, but hopes that maybe I'll see it from another perspective sometime.

After that, there was Karla's bachelorette party; I haven't had that much to drink in a long time, and I've really glad that I legitimately don't know any embarrassing stories about her youth, because maybe I'd have spilled them.  Karla seemed to appreciate what she saw as my restraint, though.  We rented a canoe to watch the Fourth of July fireworks from the river, which was a thing everyone should do at least once even if it's not exactly easy to be part of a mob returning small boats to a dock in the dark at 11pm and then another mob getting on public transportation.

Then Saturday, an the wedding, and my God, am I going to have to be in the middle of that next year?  So much makeup, and hair, and calling the venues to make sure everything is okay.  I've never been this close to the center - I was a last-minute plus-one at the only one I've been to as a woman and barely remember any I went to as a kid - and I absolutely understand why "wedding planner" is a business.  I manage a small franchise location, which is like a half-dozen employees and maybe a couple dozen guests at a time, and while a lot of the concerns are the same, it's like ten times as many people, everyone is emotionally heightened, and I've probably got more experience in management then most people who suddenly have to plan a party for a hundred folks who will try to take advantage of being your good friend or family do.

But, Karla looked beautiful in her dress, Momma Kamen cried about how strange it was to be really on her own for the first time since she was in her twenties (although I ribbed her about the silver fox she'd brought as her plus one), we danced into the night, and, boy, was Gabe really still full of energy when we went back to our hotel because Moira was ready to drop.  Spooning afterwards, he asked if I still wanted to go through with that, and I honestly said that, yeah, I did, although I'm still trying to talk myself into a big life-change requiring you work yourself up about it so much.

Sunday morning, we all had a nice brunch before Karla & Rakim jetted off to their honeymoon in Bermuda, and then we parted ways at South Station as Gabe got on a train and Moira and I headed to the airport.  Hopefully, we're not going to be parting at the end of a weekend much longer; he's visiting NOLA early next month so we can look at neighborhoods even if we're not exactly looking at specific houses, since he trusts me to be the person on-site while he looks through the phone's camera.

I guess that's our next step, just a year behind Karla.

-Jonah/Krystle

Jonah/Krystle: Well, I've got news

Sorry I haven't been posting much.  It's the usual deal:  I've been just being a regular single mom for the past few months, and this is kind of a blog about people finding themselves in new lives, and that hasn't been me in a while.  I've been pretty confident, doing okay as Krystle, to the point where it kind of seems right.  I kind of think I remember more of my life like this than being Jonah, and wonder if I should stop using that name even here.  This is me.

Or, you know, until last weekend.

Gabriel was in town.  He shows up for a long weekend every couple months, and the nature of it sort of changes depending what our lives are like.  Sometimes he comes with a friend, often that friend comes with a girlfriend, sometimes we hit the sights and restaurants, one time it was mostly a Pelicans-Knicks game, sometimes we spend a lot of time in bed, sometimes it's just two pals hanging out.  When anyone asks, I say it's a great friends with benefits relationship, and a lot of my girlfriends say they couldn't do it.  I sometimes wonder about that, because sometimes I think about how uptight I was about sex even as a horny teenage boy and also wonder if having been a guy just lets me just be buddies more easily.

I haven't really been keeping track of which weekends are like what or anything, but this past one was just us.  Well, not just us - Moira is playing tee ball and had a game Saturday morning and they we did a trip to the zoo - but the nights were ours, and the plan was to spend them at his hotel while Moira slept over at a friend's.  And that's how it went; we went to one of the zillion nice restaurants in town and had some time to kill before the jazz show he'd purchased tickets to, so we started walking along the beach.  I had taken my heels off and was enjoying walking barefoot, and had just pulled out my bag to put a wrap on, because I've kind of acclimated to what people here call "chilly" even though I spent most of my life in New England, but as I was saying that, he coughed and I was about to turn around and ask what his excuse was.

And then he got down on one knee.

I don't remember exactly what he said - it wasn't any sort of "never met a girl like me" thing, but that he'd never been drawn to someone so much, even when we weren't nearby, and that I always seemed to know how things should be even when he was drifting or I said that I felt overwhelmed, and he'd been kind of afraid to move forward because I was so independent, but, well, we hadn't seemed to just be friends for months, and it was time to make it official.  Would I marry him?

My legs went weak.  Like, weaker than when I woke up as a grown up woman after going to bed a teenage boy, weaker than when I slept with the creep wearing my old face because it seemed like the only thing I could offer him to become myself again, weaker than when I found out I was pregnant, weaker than after I'd just given birth.  Why?  I mean, why?  My life had changed so much in a moment before, and this wasn't close to the same category, was it?  But then, when had it really changed in a way that made things feel more solid?  Like, all of that was ways in which I was going to have to adapt in a way where I would have to rely on myself more despite not having any idea of what I was doing, and this was being told I was good at my life and made someone else's better and I wasn't prepared to hear that.

All that went through my head in a second, and I said yes.  He took the ring out of the box that, quite frankly, I hadn't paid any attention to, we kissed, and some of the other folks on the beach applauded.  

The rest of the night was kind of a daze - there was music, there was sex - and then the next morning he checked out of the hotel and we went to pick up Moira, together, because his flight wasn't for hours.  On the way, we talked about just what we do at this point, because while Moira really likes Gabe, she's a kid, and would this be too big for her to take in?  Like, what if she said she didn't want Gabe to be her daddy, or even to be around all the time?

That didn't happen, thank God.  I sort of turned the ring around, kind of hiding the diamond so that it didn't become a whole topic of conversation with the other adults until we got back to our place, and then tried to explain to her like she was a big girl that Gabe and I had decided that we should all be one family, and we really hoped that she liked the idea.  She had a lot of questions - was Gabe going to be around all the time now?  Where would he sleep and put his things?  When were we getting married?

We'd talked about some of them - Gabe could work remotely from anywhere, so we would probably look for a house over the next few weeks and he would move in when we found one, although that might take some time.  We'd probably get married next summer, which seemed like a ridiculously long time to her, but I pointed out that we had to make sure we could find a date that worked for Momma K and maybe her daddy Jonah and definitely Grammy and Grampa Glass, and Big Moira and Auntie Karla and maybe even my friend Jordan, and that meant planning a long time in advance.  But what if we changed our minds before then, and I told her that a man doesn't buy this kind of expensive ring unless he was really sure we wouldn't change our minds.

She said it was pretty, especially since Mommy almost never wore jewelry besides earrings.  I said it really was, although to myself, I was kind of thinking it was heavy, this weird and unfamiliar weight on my hand.  Not, like, in a way that meant more than that, I don't think - not like my breasts did when I first turned into a girl! - but I do feel it and my brain is doing its level best to treat it as a reminder that Gabe loves me that much.  Although sometimes I kind of freak out when I bang it into something.

It's really new, and while the reactions have been mostly good.  I almost think that this might be the thing that gets Mom to be okay with all this, even more than Moira, like I'd passed some sort of girl test.  Jordan kind of can't believe it.  When I sent Moira's namesake a photo she called me up immediately to screech into the phone.  Klara and Momma Kamen are really proud of me, which is weird.

Krystle/Mackenzie...  That's complicated.  She barely remembers Gabe from when they were kids, but kind of wishes I had found someone who had never met her at all.  She's never going to forgive me, I know, but we're a little more cordial these days (I think finally being old enough to date without it being too weird and starting to look at colleges has her treating my life less as what she should be rather than what she could have been).  She's not going to say "good job", but she's not automatically going to "why are you fucking my life up so much" anymore.  Gabe seems like a good guy to her.  Probably the best I can hope for from that end.

So all that happens, and I kind of feel like my feet are just now touching the ground again.  And while I don't exactly have a lot of fantasies about a fancy wedding that have been in my head since childhood, Penny tells me that I should prepare for the next year to be insane anyway!

-Jonah/Krystle

Jonah/Krystle: Visitors

I kind of thought that Moira would be more upset about not seeing her grandparents or cousins at Thanksgiving or Christmas, but kids her age have a really frightening ability to adapt to change once they've gotten past the temper tantrums.  It's been almost eight years and I'm still going "boo-hoo, being a girl is hard even with a bunch of folks who've gone through the same thing to help!" and she's like, well, I left everybody I know except Mommy behind on the other side of the country and my new friend Josephine's parents speak French so now I'm just going to pick up more French than Mommy did in three years of school and also I never get lost when running around the neighborhood like Mommy does.  She's six, she did video calls with her extended family at the holidays, and they ran out to show "Josie" the new toy she was sent.

In fact, the only family member she has seen in the past six months is "Daddy", because June/Jonah and his fiancée Alana got the idea to come down during Mardi Gras.  I gather it had sort of been a bucket list item for June in her old life, except that her ex-husband didn't think it sounded like his sort of thing when they were younger, and it's not something you do at June's real age, but when the world thinks you're twenty-four, you and your cute redhead finacée do it.  I think they both also wanted to be seen as being good, mature adults, about Moira, even though neither June nor I wants there to be any sort of regular arrangement.  I almost wish we could get Alana to go through a cycle at the Inn, just so that we'd all be on the same page, but that's apparently not practical even if stuff didn't often go wrong.  Anyway, I can't exactly treat June/Jonah as someone who can just disappear from our lives once the opportunity arises, in part because my parents want to keep up appearances.  Then again, they can't just up and move like I just did and start fresh.

It was a weird few days.  Moira was shy around "Daddy", and I felt bad about not making the fact that there is a Daddy out there somewhere who likes her (maybe loves her; I mean, how could June not?) but just can't see her very often more a part of her life, especially now that she's got friends at school and sees other family arrangements more often and asks a bunch of questions.  June, meanwhile, does know how to be around kids so Alana thinks "Jonah" is closer to Moira than is the case.  They mostly did young-single-person stuff, but there was a daddy-daughter outing, from which we now know that Moira really doesn't like boats.

(In the time since this happened, Alana has made overtures about Moira spending a week with Daddy during summer vacation, and I asked Junah if this would be tied to him visiting "his mom and dad" and, yeah, this is complicated!)

More fun was a couple months later when Gabriel had a work thing in New Orleans - some conference or other.  We hadn't chatted online much over the winter and spring, because he met a girl who seemed pretty cool from what showed up on his Instagram, and while we still thought of each other as mostly friends (although I guess sleeping together that once makes us "friends with benefits"), a message from me popping up on his phone at the wrong time could get a bad reaction.  Ironically, it was her who got back together with an ex a couple weeks before this business trip.

Which suddenly added new possibilities to "we should meet for lunch while I'm out there".

We did that, obviously, and it was really enjoyably casual.  Meeting for lunch in this city is terrific, because the sheer number of good places to eat is overwhelming, and I joked with him about being on the dating apps just so that I could get a bunch of guys to introduce me to local restaurants (though I'd found this place myself).  He asked if there was anyone, and I said no, that so far the guys who were okay with me having a daughter were not exactly folks I'd risk a second kid with.  Like, they figured it made me desperate or something and I wasn't going to pay for babysitters on three nights to get laid once.  Joke's on them; Moira loves sleeping over at her friend Josie's and Josie's mom Justine loves hearing stories about men being dogs the next day just as much as hearing about someone being great in bed, even if she does think I should be getting laid more.

(I don't bring up the girls I've swiped right on, because that's not happening.  Jordan says I should have worked at being bi earlier, because otherwise your nose overrides what you'd trained yourself to find sexy or something.)

Once it was established we were both single, he said he could extend his stay into the weekend, and maybe we could do something Friday night.  We settled on Preservation Hall, which is obvious but should be fun, especially since it was on the list of things I hadn't done here yet, and agreed to meet that night.

I was planning to keep it casual again - camisole, shorts, hair in a ponytail, minimal makeup - and got all the way to the point where I was starting with the makeup after dropping Moira off at Josie's when I got a call from Jordan, who had just got in after a long night in Hong Kong and was kind of buzzed.  I put her on speaker as I worked on my face, and when I mentioned it was Gabriel in town she was all like "ooh, you like that boy, don't you?  Go get 'im!"  I protested that it wasn't like that and I wasn't going to get anyone, she said "uh-huh" and that she was probably keeping me late, so she hung up and left me to it.

(I feel like I usually call Jordan "he", but she was really being a she that night!)

I started with the lipstick, but what Jordan had said was on my mind, and it looked kind of dull all of a sudden.  "Damn it," I said, actually said out loud, "I do like that boy!"  So I stripped back down to my bra and panties, threw the closet opened, and went straight to the third date dress, the blue one that has a hidden underwire because there's no hiding bra straps with the bare shoulders and it's made to make my cleavage pop.  It also doesn't do much to hide the shape of my ass and has some round cutouts just above the hips.  I've actually got makeup that matches it, and four-inch heels that do as well.  Not necessarily the sort of things I like wearing when I'm probably going to stand in line for an hour, but Gabriel deserved it and I'll admit it, I didn't feel like leaving much to chance.  I did what I could do with my hair on short notice, chuckled at what my mother would think of me in this moment, and headed out.

He liked what he saw, and I managed not to fall on my butt as we stood in line and chatted.  We got good seats, the music was a ton of fun - it's a tourist trap but one that pulls the tourists in because it's genuinely a lot of fun and really makes you feel like you've had a proper time in New Orleans (and as a recent transplant, I'm not immune to that feeling).  It's a quick show, about an hour, so we walked around a bit more, had some late night beignets, and then I let him get me off my feet in his hotel room.

Afterward, we both lay on the bed, naked, kind of joking about how this was kind of sexier than L-shaped sheets on TV and wondering if smoking afterward leveled you out like it always seemed to in movies - I don't know about anybody else, but I always have this want-to-do-more-but-can't feeling if sex is good, and I'm not sure if it's me, Krystal, or just the weird sense of being a guy turned into a girl.  I kind of liked being naked in that moment, though, walking up to the window and looking out, knowing he was looking at me, and not having any clothes in between us.  "It's gonna be weird if we ever do this anywhere but a hotel, isn't it?"

He laughed.  "It is, especially since hotel sex is the best sex."

"I know, right?  The sheets are always perfect, the bed never squeaks, there's no worry about being interrupted, you're on neutral ground and someone else is gonna clean up...  God, I must sound like such a ho!"

He walked but and put his arms around me.  "You're just sayin' facts."

"I guess, but...  There's some folks who would be really shocked about me having opinions like this, and some who look at me and think ho sells me short, and I--"  I stopped, realizing that I was saying things I usually only said with other folks who'd been to the Inn.  "I just sometimes still feel surprised that I'm an adult woman with adult responsibilities and interests, you know?  Like, I'm sure you heard that I missed high school graduation, and never went to college or got married, so even though I've got a kid of my own and a job where people act like I know what I'm doing and mostly do as I say, I always feel like I'm putting one over everything and should be heading into first period geography in the morning."

He walked up, put his arms around me, and kissed my neck.  "I think you're amazingly together."

"You're just saying that because you see me once a year in my best outfit."

"C'mon, you're pretty good in no outfit at all!"

I laughed, kind of enjoying a man appreciating me and not thinking about it too much in the moment.  "I'm just saying, tomorrow I'll be in a t-shirt trying to get Moira to try new food and you'll be on a plane.  You're not getting the full Krystle Kamen experience."

"I think I'd like it."

I shrugged, turned around, and feeling that he had started getting hard, pushed him back to the bed, thinking maybe I could do a bit more.

The next morning, I called an Uber and went home, because the deal-sealing dress is cool and all, but public transportation in a dress where you have to cross your legs ain't great.  Heck, I was lucky enough to get a woman driving the car, which is a way bigger deal than I ever could have imagined.

So a kind of funny thing is, I did sit down with Justine and talk about the good sex I had while the girls played the next morning and, like, I never really had girlfriends I could do that with back in Massachusetts.  Like, with Ashlyn and Jordan it was always a former-guy conversation and Original Moira and I just never had a sex-talk sort of friendship.  But Justine and some other women I know do stuff like that, and I wonder if maybe Ashlyn was right - going to a place where nobody knows me is a chance to start fresh.

I do still kind of feel like a visitor myself, in part because Moira has acclimated so fast, but I'm getting there - the fact that folks from before are kind of odd and unusual must mean something.

-Jonah/Krystle

Jonah/Krystle: Who Are You and What Have You Done with Jonah Glass?

I don't date much.  Pretty much everyone I know who has wound up staying or stuck where the Inn put them seems to put their old life behind them much more practically than I do, including the parts where they go decide their body has different needs or unlocks something they didn't realize was there.  Especially that - every once in a while I'll be talking with Jordan and she'll just casually mention the way the guy she was with picked her up and put her against a wall or had her wrap her legs around him and that it's super hot because of how much she used to weigh, and I don't really know how to respond to it.  Like, my history since the Inn is avoiding being around other people, getting pregnant from a one-night stand because the guy with my face wouldn't give it back otherwise, pregnancy/new motherhood as an excuse not to, half-assed husband hunting, one guy who dumped me when he found out about Krystle's history, and then a lot of things that didn't take.  Well, mostly.  I'll get to that.

There has been someone over the past month, though.  It started at work, a day where I've got the chance to do more than be eye-candy at the front desk because someone's out sick.  He's a guy who comes in alone, about forty or so, not in bad shape at all but probably starting to notice things are getting a little harder.  You work in a gym, you get kind of familiar with that sort of guy.  Some of them stick with it, a lot don't, either having trouble fitting it into an already busy life or just deciding that, shit, having a bit of a gut is a natural part of hitting middle age, and why pay this much money and that much time to fight nature?  Anyway, a thing a lot of them tend to do at first is either think that something is as easy as the people with some experience are making it look or figure they can start at medium difficulty and move down if they have to.  Anyway, this fellow is part of that last group, which means he gets halfway up a wall and freaks out.  I've got to help him down, and he just won't stay still and let me help, so my breasts are in his face at various points, I'm tightening his harness and pushing at his butt, and, believe me, it's not nearly so sexy as it sounds.  It's kind of embarrassing for us both, and he kind of dashes away afterward.

He shows back up a few days later, though, and starts on a beginner's wall, and does okay.  He comes by the front desk to apologize afterward, and I say it's no big deal, but he persists and asks if he can buy me dinner.  I'm not quite Krystle enough to make a wisecrack about if he always finds out whether or not a girl's breasts are real in advance, but I do say yes, maybe because I've got June already being engaged on my head.  Long story short, he's a good-seeming guy, doesn't freak over me having a kid or being more into sports than fashion, and I think I'm pretty level-headed about him being divorced.

We have sex on the third date and it's good.  It's been a while for both of us and I kind of know that I'm not nearly as good at this as folks would assume someone with my appearance would be, even if they don't know Krystle's life before me being in it.  We start seeing each other once or twice a week, although I don't take him up on his offer to watch the fireworks show on the Fourth from a boat in the river.  Moira had been really excited about that and I'm not quite up to including him in family stuff.

So that's all nice and normal, or at least feels that way, but then we zip ahead to this past Thursday.  I'm heading into work more dressed-up than usual - blazer, pencil skirt, pantyhose, heels - because I'm coming from a job interview.  I like my job, a lot, but this fall will be "my" thirtieth birthday, Moira's bright enough that I really should be saving for college in addition to trying to move out of Momma Kamen's apartment, and jobs that give you raises to keep up with your needs is just a myth boomers tell.  I'm not qualified for a lot, on paper maybe, but I've filled in for a lot of roles that aren't technically part of my job description over the past couple years, and while I don't really get what all the low-unemployment statistics mean, everyone tells me that it's a good time to find something that pays a little better and has better health insurance.

Anyway, I look pretty good, although maybe a little deflated because maybe I aimed too high looking at an assistant-manager gig, but the point is, as I'm walking toward the gym, I'm getting looks, and it's a little tougher for me to pick up the pace as someone gets up from the bench he'd been sitting on and walks to me because I'm in four-inch heels.  Fortunately, he's not a threat, although it takes me a minute to recognize Gabriel.

I mentioned him once on here, but all we did after that was go to Flour the next day, chat a bit, and then follow each other on Instagram before he went back to New York.  We like and comment on each other's photos and stuff, and I consider him a friend in the way I do a lot of people I've only met online.  I seemed to recall he'd talked about being in Boston at some point in July, but it never got farther than that.  But, apparently, Momma Kamen really likes him and pointed him at where I work.

And I do get kind of excited when I see him - my voice goes up a bit, I talk about how I'm looking to see what's out there.  He asks me out for dinner after I get off work, I say sure, he comments that he'll make sure he gets into a suit by then, and I say there's no need, if we're just hanging out.  As soon as I get into the changing room, I sent Karla a text asking if she minds Moira staying a bit late, and she says it's fine - as much as we don't always see eye to eye, Moira and her cousins adore each other - and sends me a couple eggplant emojis after saying she expects to stay over.  I roll my eyes.

I roll them a little less when Gabriel texts me a shot of himself in a suit, although I kind of grumble about getting back into my interview clothes.  He looks even better in person, and he's booked a table at a fancy Korean place near the theater district, and I won't lie, I really enjoy being there and not feeling out of place.  We talk way past dessert, and then it turns out we're close to his hotel.  We get a drink at the bar, he invites me upstairs...

... and what we do next is motherfucking amazing!

I'm not going to describe it too much, because I still kind of think that's private, but sounds came out of me that I'd never made otherwise, and even after he'd gone limp, there were still waves passing through me.  He looks at me with this weird grin on his face, and we're both like "what?" a couple times, and then I start laughing, because he'd never believe me if I actually told him that this was the first time I'd actually had an orgasm.

He falls asleep with his arms around me and I just kind of think about what that means rather than try and get out.  I mean, I grew up pretty religious, and while most of my friends sort of got to "well, maybe getting laid won't immediately send you to Hell" at a certain point, that's when I became Krystle and was sure this was some sort of test, and then my first sexual experience was just awful and degrading - Ashlyn tells me I shouldn't even think of it as consensual! - and made it easy for me to think of the whole thing in pretty bad terms afterward.  Even when I started dating, I felt kind of weird about enjoying sex - it felt good, but it was something where I felt bad about it feeling that good, if it makes any sense.  I was supposed to be a guy, and even if I wasn't, good girls shouldn't be doing this, if only because what can happen (I love Moira more than anything, but I don't have any idea how Karla handles three kids; it would break me).

This feeling, though, was sent from God.  Or maybe the Devil, but God's the one who made women able to feel it, right?  I don't know; I just kind of felt like I understood something for a moment and felt like maybe living this life wasn't just some sort of responsibility I couldn't shirk because of Moira.  It felt pretty good to fall asleep with Gabe's hand cupping my breast.

I wasn't thinking such grandiose things when I woke up in the morning, but I felt a bit lighter than I usually did.  I answered one of Karla's texts with a smiley face and let Gabriel treat me to breakfast.  I kind of felt like I should feel awful - a terrible mother still wearing yesterday's clothes after leaving my little girl with someone else on short notice - but I didn't.  Heck, when my boyfriend saw me kissing Gabe goodbye as we went our separate ways on the T and tried to make me feel terrible for it, I just kind of shrugged it off.  I liked him, but this one night had been better than the past month (it was at least almost as good) and he didn't have any sort of claim on me.  I felt bad, but also kind of wondered whether I'd just been accepting that my future might be determined by whoever was interested enough to ask me out at a moment when I was single and didn't have any obvious warning signs.

(That's why I haven't bothered to include that guy's name in this post; what's the point?)

I don't think that's just about "wow, I came, and now I know a woman's life can be more!"  Still...  I dunno, between I feel like having willingly had sex with two guys in the past week and it not entirely being a step toward something else doesn't feel like me.

-Jonah/Krystle

Jonah/Krystle: Surprise! It's Your Birthday!

It's funny to see Jordan write about how the pandemic has made him feel a lot like he was back in his old life, because it's been the opposite for me:  The longer this goes on, the more I feel like my old life is a dream.

I don't mean that as any sort of metaphor or whatever, but because even after five years, I'm still usually a guy in my dreams,  I'm stuck at 16 in those dreams, still in high school, even though the person going by my real name is old enough to drink and I've just turned 28, as far as anybody but a few people is concerned.  I don't remember those dreams very often, just enough to occasionally have a reminder that even though I'll never give up being Moira's mommy and I can get through all the female stuff on autopilot these days, some part of my head won't let go of being a guy.

Meanwhile, in the real world, the fact that we're not really doing anything new means that Momma Kamen is often reaching into the past, especially when Moira does something new, relating it to how the original Krystle was as a toddler, or Karla's kids, and after seven months, the stories have been repeated enough that I recognize some of them, and it's not really awkward bluffing to get her to say more.  Her or Karla - we don't see her in person very often, because she's living with her boyfriend and there's baby-daddies that makes her circle pretty big, but she skypes with her mom a lot, and likes to see her niece, and since it's not a very big apartment and I don't want to cause trouble, it means I get pulled in, and there's more reminiscence.  And I'm not sure how to put the rest of it, because I didn't finish school and all, but if you look at Krystle's life and mine as one story, the way it must look for them, they've kind of filled in the gaps of how "Krystle" went from a rebellious girl who stripped for money to a church-going woman who slipped up one night and got pregnant but has mostly played by the rules otherwise.  Like, there's a path from one to the other that makes sense to them, and even if I'm nothing like the Krystle they knew before, and the more they do that, the more it makes sense to me.  I still know who I am, underneath, but it's also starting to feel like I've always been Krystle.

And then there's stuff like my birthday.  Or hers.  Momma K put it up on the big calendar in the kitchen, because everything in her datebook goes up on that, and when I was writing that I had a job interview coming up, Moira asks what I'm writing, then has me pick her up so that she can point at things and ask what they are.  When I get to the one that's just my name, I'm like "Krystle - oh!, my birthday", kid of half-surprised.  Her eyes get big, though, asking if there are going to be presents and cake.  I don't know if we can afford presents, I say, but I suppose we can arrange a cake.  That, obviously, becomes the biggest event of the month, as far as she's concerned.

It's fun.  I let her help with frosting and blow out the candles, she has a huge sugar rush all night, and Momma K laughs when she finally goes down, saying that she remembers "me" being kind of a brat about "my" birthday, demanding presents, and it's funny to her that I'd apparently forget it.  I've had a bit of wine, so I'm a little less guarded, saying "well, it's not as important as" and only stop myself because, at least for now, Krystle's birthday has bumped mine out of my head.  I recover with "as important as hers is" while remembering December 28th, but I've kind of got to pause and count on my fingers to figure out how old I actually am.

After that, Krystal calls to wish me a happy birthday, which is nice.  Still, it's got me feeling stressed, so I head out to the fire escape to get a little time alone, outside of that apartment.

I'm not the only one; there's a man on the same level but a couple units over who's also out there, and just looking at him, I feel kind of like we've got something in common.  "Hey," I say, "you look like you wish you smoked too."

He's confused.  "What?"

"You know, how in movies, people will take a break to do that but what they really want is to get away from their family for a moment, or other stuff that they're not supposed to want to get away from?"

"And meanwhile we look stupid doing that, especially since we apparently both forgot our phones?"

"Exactly!"  We both laugh, and I extend a hand despite it being way too far to shake.  "Hi; I'm Krystle."

"I know.  You've, um, grown up, but I recognize you."  He leans over the rail and extends his hand too, and between doing that and the way he says "grown up", he winds up paying some more attention to my chest, making me want to zip my hoodie up without being too obvious about it while also noting that he's actually been staring less than most guys do.

Still, I groan, though it probably sounds more embarrassed to him than me hating that I've walked into this when I was trying to escape people acting like we had history.  "I'm sorry!  I don't remember your name!"

"It's okay; my mom left my father when I was thirteen and we weren't exactly running with the same people at school back then.  I'm Gabe.  Uh, Gabriel."

I give him a good look, hoping he'll think I'm trying to remember him when I'm really just scoping him out for the first time.  He's a bit taller than me, wears glasses, has short natural hair and a beard.  He's wearing short sleeves and from what I can see of his arms, he doesn't spend a whole lot of time in the gym trying to get bulked up.  There's a company name on his t-shirt I don't recognize.  Seems pretty harmless.  "Okay.  Yeah, Gabriel."

He smiles a big toothy grin.  "You don't recognize me at all, do you?"

"No... I'm sorry!"  I hate the way I draw out the "no" and how my voice kind of tends to squeal when I apologize; it started out as me imitating how I thought girls sounded and it stuck.

"That's okay; Mom moved us back to Georgia and I never got closer to here than New York since, but that's as close as anyone else was when the Covid got him, so it wound up being on me to make arrangements and go through his things."

"Oh no!  I--"

"Don't apologize; you didn't have anything to do with it and if you're lucky the most you ever knew him was saying hi in the elevator.  He wasn't exactly a great guy."

"Uh, okay."

"Yeah.  Anyway, don't wanna go back in there, can't really go that many other places, so here I am."

"Here you are."

We stood in silence for a while before he asked about me, and I told him about Moira and how I've been furloughed for six months and was starting to look for other jobs in case The Changeling never came back all the way, but didn't really want to because even though it was just waitressing it was also my best friends.  "But I can't do it forever.  I turned 28 today, have a 3-year-old girl, and still live with, y'know, my mother."

Fortunately, he picked up on the "today" bit.  "It's your birthday?  Congratulations!  What's the best place to get some nice baked goods and sit six feet apart?"

"Whoa!  That's, uh--"

"Krystle, I buried my father two days ago, there's a pandemic, and this is the closest thing I've had to fun since I got here.  Let me buy you a cupcake."

I started trying to come up with some sort of polite reply, but was saved when he heard his phone ring inside.  "Gotta get that.  But it was nice to see you again."

"You too."

I went inside to see that Momma Kamen was still on the couch, watching some CBS crime show.  "I hear that Gabriel boy has a nice job in Manhattan."

"How would you--  It's not like that!  His father just died and he clearly just wanted someone to talk to."

"Uh-huh.  Still, happy birthday to you!"

Just what I need - Krystle's mom trying to fix me up with someone from so far back in Krystle's life that she's probably forgotten him herself.

-Jonah/Krystle