Before I continue my “recap” of Thanksgiving (at this rate it will be Christmas before I write it), I wanted to put a few words down about removing my top for Anthony and his associates… I think I had a “girl gone wild” moment. Walking around in Ashlyn’s skin is a big turn on. I glance down, I see boobs. I go down the stairs I feel them bounce with every step. When I sit down, I feel the difference in shape of my ass. When I cross my legs I feel the smoothness of those legs—as well as he void between then. I am aware of the taste of lipstick on my lips, the smell of perfume on my body and the odd feeling of wearing a thong.
My point is that I am continuously aware of my body. Even though I have been Ashlyn for 3 months it’s still a new and stimulating experience. I compare it to getting a new car. How long does it take before the new car excitement goes away, and it becomes just a car? It probably takes even longer if you are driving a sports car—and as bodies go, Ashlyn is definitely a sports car. Just like you can get caught up driving a sports car, I think I have gotten caught up in pretending to be Ashlyn. It’s very seductive.
So when Anthony offered me the money to remove my top, I figured why not? It will be wild and sexy, I’ll make some money, and no one will get hurt.
But a funny thing happened the next morning. I felt a little guilty.
This is going to sound dumb—but I can’t seem to find the words to better describe what I am feeling: I feel like I have disrespected my (current) gender.
Maybe it’s me being crazy. I have worn several outfits that left very little to the imagination and it didn’t bother me…why does it make a difference that I went the rest of the distance and let some guys see what little my clothes was hiding?
I just know there is a difference—I guess it is part of being a woman.