Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Todd: All I've got is a photograph...

You can tell I'm out of sorts, because usually I'm above a Def Leppard reference.

I've been moping a lot. I wasn't even sure I wanted to write this entry, because not a lot of note has happened since my last post. Been working detail. I'm glad to have that level of stability in my life. It's settled down to an almost unbearable level now that Crystal and Bryan work together and have their own stuff going on, I'm largely on my own. Things seem to be passing me by... Crystal, who when we first met her was very skittish about going out, went with Bryan and some others to the Zombie walk, which I skipped for a combination of work and moping.

Bry and I also had to accompany her to (Canadian) Thanksgiving and act as her guide to her various relations... it was awkward to explain why I was there despite our no longer being together. But she needs the help and support, and she's not a bad lady, so I'm happy to help her.

I keep wondering if I should maybe pick up the phone and call Erica and Sean, but I know they're not overly interested in anything I've got to say. And I guess I'm not really interested in anything they've got either. I just find it hard to relate to people nowadays.

It was over a year ago that I started posting here, sharing my story. It was really therapeutic, and regardless of what you folks think of me, I've always appreciated having this outlet. Back then I was lost and confused, and as much as things have changed, I still feel some of those same feelings.

Except now it's my own life I have to deal with. My time as Anne-Marie was paradise compared to what I'm going through lately. It was okay that I didn't feel comfortable because I wasn't supposed to be. Once I accepted that rock bottom level, everything became surprisingly easy. The sex didn't hurt. Well, sometimes it did... she was not a spry woman, that Anne-Marie.

I just need to shake myself out of this state of paralysis. I don't know what I want, and I can't get enthusiastic about anything. I'd try a shrink, but I don't think I'd be able to really open up. As you know, I've been through some weird, weird things.

It's just that I guess I expected going back to my life to be, well... my life, the life I left, despite the chaotic state I left it in. Employment or no, Alia was supposed to be a big part of that. And every time I see Crystal, it's just a harsh reminder. It's even worse when I was Anne-Marie and I saw a pretty young girl, and my brain kept expecting a reaction from a penis that wasn't there. I can't win.

The title of this entry is because I was thinking about all this while I was browsing Facebook. All the photos I have of Alia are outdated, from before either of us were changed, years ago when we were last dating. I have a lot of good memories of those times, and a lot of bad ones.

My hope, oddly enough, is that when she comes back, things won't be the same as they were back then, because I was kinda... lousy. Sometimes, anyway. I want to be a better man and I am tearing my hair out trying to figure out what that really means. I've been thinking about going back and finishing school, although that's not my favourite option. She and I have been talking it over on MSN. It was her idea.

But for now I'm stuck in this life that is just a few degrees off from the one I want and it's driving me mad. Someday, she will be back and we'll figure things out then (knock on wood) but until then, I've got my moping to go back to.

Then again, it feels wrong to keep up my moping when there are folks like Cliff and Marc and Greg and Alia out there. For the life of me I wouldn't go back to being Anne-Marie if you paid me (and in a way, it was kind of a profitable experience.) So this isn't a "grass is always greener" thing. It's just a "The grass is greener here but it's still pretty dry."

Which reminds me, there has been some correspondence down south, particularly as pertains to the new Julia and Kalli, but I'm not given to divulging others' personal details... except in all those cases when I already did.



Anonymous said...

Go back to being Anne Marie and marry Rob!

Todd said...