Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Cliff/Tori: Behind closed doors

Most days, I think to myself, "I should post on the blog more" but I can never think of what to write down.

I mean, it used to be so strange to be here. I had all these little experiences about being a woman and about living with Tori's family and I'd save them up, and the ones I didn't write about it was because they were either too personal or they were too boring. About the tenth post I drafted up about how uncomfortable I was sleeping (because it hadn't occurred to me that I shouldn't sleep on my breasts) I began to feel self-conscious about repetition. So if you feel like you're missing any of the story, maybe you are, but I think I'm saying everything that's vital.

I mean, what is my life right now? You can figure it out. I'm still a guy in a girl's body, except that has become so much less shocking over the last 6 or 7 months. I still have my problems, still get taken off-guard sometimes by my hormones depending on the time of month, but it's mainly gotten fairly routine. Sometimes my friends... Tori's friends, but I call them my friends because they are my friends... think I'm lame for not going out with them, but this last month has really given me cause to rein in the social tendencies. I do go out from time to time, I go shopping, I go to bars, but I'm not having any shocking adventures. I almost wish I was, just to talk about it.

But I'm still sane, I'm still me. I've survived this long. In four months time, I will be in Maine, waiting to get my body back.

It feels like so long, but it's so close I can feel it, and that excites me more than anything else.

But there's a bittersweet part to it. I feel really welcome in this family. It's strange: I got the sense from Tori's journals that her family was often talking down to her or or generally negative, but... well, they've been super nice to me. I hate the idea that they like me as Tori better than her, but it shows that if she'd meet them halfway, they'd really appreciate it. For a few months I felt, and acted, like a guest, but they welcomed me in and I really do feel like they're my family.

I considered going up to Buffalo for my (real) birthday, but it coincides with the Easter weekend, and Tori's brother has threatened to disown me if I miss the Eastern gathering at the Pearce house, and since I think he's such a nice guy I've agreed. Plus, being out of my body for so long, it would be weird to go back early, again, as Tori.

Part of me suspects an ulterior motive for Willie even asking me to come up then. We've hardly spoken since we made arrangements for the Inn, partially a conscious decision on my part due to the effect he had on me the last time I was there, which led to me having a long, still-unresolved identity crisis thing. I almost wish he and I had gone all the way, because then I would know something. At best, I've got whatever gets me going when I play with myself. It's not guys, and it's not girls, it's just myself. The only thing that really turns me on is the idea of being alone with myself. But then thoughts of my own male face looking down at me, smiling, taking me by the hand... I can't deny I get a bit of a shiver when I think back on it, and I still have no idea what that means.

I'm worried, in short, that Willie would want to take advantage of that, and though I think he's a very nice person, I'm taking Alia's advice not to complicate things. Not now.

Like I said, I've gotten so attached to Tori's family that I feel like they deserve my presence if they want it. That goes for her parents, and even Mae. Oh, man, Mae, I feel so bad for her. Tori is still not a big fan of hers, even though she's been a very good sister to me. I feel like we've sort of matured together, and it will be a shame to let go of that. But that's the future. Let me tell you about the present.

I came home the other night from work and went up the stairs, to just kick back in my room for a while, when I came across Mae crouched down next to "mom & dad's" room. I asked "What's going on?" and with a weird, serious look on her face, she mouths the words "Mom and dad are fighting."

I feel my stomach sink. Mr. and Mrs. Pearce have been like my own parents, and they seem to be very close. I always see them joking around,quite lovey-dovey, they have a weekly date night. I haven't seen them fight at all since I got here. So, feeling some concern, I crouched down and put my ear to the door.

I listened for some yelling or some arguing, or something, but all I could hear were muffled sounds of... I wasn't entirely sure. And then it dawned on me. And Mae, seeing the look of my face, got a grin on her face three miles wide. Mom and dad weren't fighting, they were fucking! The increasingly-loud female moans inside confirmed this.

Embarrassed, I rushed off to my room. Mae gave chase, following me to my room and shutting the door behind her, laughing her ass off as soon as it was shut. for my part, I could hardly breathe I was laughing so hard. I don't know why it was funny, it just was.

"Your face!" she wheezed, "Your fucking face was so--!"

"That was not cool! Why were you listening to that?"

She explained, since her room shares a wall with theirs, she hears them anytime they do it, and she felt like I deserved the privilege as well. My face was red with shock and embarrassment. I buried my face in my pillow. Mae joined me on the bed, lying widthwise, we just sat there trying to get over it until she observed, "Jeez, Vic, what's up with your room?" (I should point out that although all Tori's friends call her Tori, her family switches between Tori and Vic/Vicki/Victoria. Mae uses Vic most often, because I think Tori has said she doesn't like it.)

I don't have many visitors. At present time, my room is a schizophrenic cross between a girl who has just moved in (boxes everywhere) and a girl who can't clean up after herself (clothes everywhere.) "I'm just... busy, I guess. It doesn't bother me."

"Jeez, no wonder you're not getting any action. Guys can't get hard for a slob like you."

"Hey," I pointed out, "When a guy gets a shot at someone like this," I gestured at my body, "the last thing he's looking at are the bras on the floor." The observation felt a little sleazy as I said it, but I have to admit it's true.

She snorted, somewhat-lovingly, "You're so full of yourself, Tori. I used to hate that about you. You're still pretty hard to live with sometimes. I mean, shit, you know what I mean? I love you and everything, but sometimes you walk around like you haven't got a clue what's going on around here."

"It's been a confusing year for me," I say, trying to reach some semblance of honesty.

"I can be a bitch sometimes, I know," she admitted. Then she looked at me, expecting em to admit the same.

"I do my best, Mae." I got a little tripped up, "You're my little sister. It hasn't always been easy, but... you know? We get along now, right?"

"Yeah," she smiled. Then she spotted a top on the floor. "Is that mine?"

"Huh? Oh, no, that's mine." It was just a plaid top I picked up back in October when I was staying with Tori and Rob in Louisville.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you dress like that sometimes..." it was definitely more "her" style, but I don't really conform to any particular style. Some days I indulge in Tori's frilly clothes, some days I like the basic workshirt-looking ones. That's the amazing thing about women's clothes. She unbunched it, "You mind if I...?"

"Sure, go ahead," I shrugged.

Then, sitting right there, she took her top off, and I should note she was not wearing a bra. I mean, it's not like she flashed me - she did twist her body away modestly, but I did see everything.

It was weird how comfortable she was doing that. I watched her button up the shirt.

Mae is a bit smaller than me, has rounder hips and about the same size of a chest. There would be a stronger family resemblance if we had the same hairstyle, but I have kept Tori's long hair because I'm not interested in making that kind of change. Also she sometimes wears reading glasses, plastic-framed emo-type glasses.

She smoothed out the chest. Only the middle buttons were done up. She cupped the underside of her breasts, I guess to simulate a bra. I watched this, expecting to be caught leering.

I want to clarify... I'm not lusting after her or anything. She's young, and she's my sister. But after all these months I'm still curious about how women feel about their bodies, and Mae caught me off guard with her comfort. Maybe it's a sisterly thing, maybe it's particular to her.

She did catch the look on my face eventually, and asked what was up with it. I said, "How would you feel if I took off my top right now?"

She shrugged, "Well, I wouldn't stare. I'd probably be a little jealous. I don't know. Wouldn't weird me out. You're the one who goes skinny dipping with those friends of yours, hot tubbing and shit. Is it weird 'cause I'm your sister?"

"A little bit."

Irritated, she unbuttoned the top again, letting her breasts hang. I tried not to stare. She looked me in the eye, I was very confused. She began to laugh, "Oh my God, you are totally freaked out right now!" she looked down at herself then back at me. "Shit, Tori, they're just breasts!"

"Yeah, but--" I stammered, "They're your breasts!"

Still laughing, she slipped the top back on, but instead of buttoning it, clutched the two sides with her hand and lay back on the bed. "You're so weird."

Then after a silence, she sighed, "I think me and Ed are gonna end soon."

"Oh yeah?"

"It was probably a mistake to have sex with him. We were going so well before that, and then we did it... I mean, I like sex, a lot more than I thought I would, but Ed won't stop asking about it. It's so annoying. He didn't used to be this way."

"Boys," I sighed, lying back, "I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it's just..." I stopped. I really had no clue what to say. Somewhere inside of me is a boy who is still glad he can see a pair of tits whenever he wants, feel a pussy, even if they're his. I shouldn't put myself down. I corrected myself, "Even if they really are all like that, the good ones can hide it."

She sat up and said, "Mom and dad are probably done now, I'm gonna go back to my room."

She walked off in my shirt. "Don't be a stranger..." I called out. Not looking back, she gave me a thumbs up.

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