Around the holidays things started to get weird between me and Rafe. It can be a very sentimental time, even though neither of us are sentimental people, and it's hard not to succumb to the urge a little and behave a certain way. Something about holiday cheer and togetherness makes it hard to just enjoy casual sex for what it is.
Around New Years Eve we found ourselves having an obligatory "What are we?" Conversation. Are we exclusive? No, but neither of us is seeing anyone else. Do we go out on dates? I said it would be acceptable but he said it was outside his comfort zone (to put it mildly.) In my head I had echoes of someone or other saying "Why buy the cow..." even though I didn't even grow up as a woman. I had to field awkward dating questions from Valerie's mother over the holidays, and deflected by saying I was out there, and that's all. It deepened the already sour feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I spend time with that family.
In January I decided, kinda unilaterally, to downplay my thing with Rafe. Call it a Resolution if you must. It had been a few months of great sex with someone who wasn't interested in more. Why not look again?
Instead, online I found the usual collection of way-too-self-absorbed boy-men in suits who think all women are impressed by a decent suit and a nice car (in this city? Please.)
It was a lot like last year's round of boredom-inducing matchups, only this time I actually had sex with a few of them. None of them had much potential for long term, but I wanted the experience. Whereas before I avoided sex because I didn't want to feel used, now I embrace it because I wanted to do the using.
I think I have screwed myself up because I can only bring myself to sleep with a guy if I dislike him now. I know I should respect my body enough not to just let anyone have it, but I also respect it enough to give it things that will feel good, at least for the night. But if I think I have feelings for a guy? I dare not complicate it with sex.
Besides, I was worried they wouldn't want me soon. At the end of January I did something I have been dreaming about for years... having my breast reduction surgery.
Having boobs of any kind is great about 10% of the time. Times when you want the attention they bring. Times when you are wearing something flattering but not uncomfortable. Times when you are literally naked, on top or below (or in front of) someone and feeling them bounce up and down and against your ribcage in response to something very pleasurable. The rest of the time they are a frightful inconvenience, and when they are 8% of your overall body weight (I did the math!) they are a literal pain.
I had made up my mind months ago and went through a battery of consultations and examinations. Recieving healthcare as a woman in this country is not overall simple of convenient but my doctor - a man - acknowledged that on my frame, these breasts are too much by a lot.
Before the surgery, I texted both Kevin and Rafe, the men in my life who I had kept at arms length of weeks or months. Kevin wished me well, Rafe didn't respond right away. I also texted my sister and Meg, and of course Maddie and Ariel knew - who has taken Charli's old room and made a really good late night talking partner since both of us are effectively single.
Before they put me under, the Doctor said something to the effect of "Just think, when you wake up, you'll have a whole new different body." I probably laughed way too hard, involuntarily, and confused him.
Then they wheeled me in, put me under, and that was that.
Afterward, as I woke up, in my groggy state, my first thought was to grab for them. I think I thought I was back to the Inn because Maddie recalled me babbling about "Am I me? Am I me?" Before long, I came to and had a chance to examine.
It was amazing. The scars are barely noticeable. They're still pretty big actually, but much, much smaller than before. I might actually be able to shop in regular places for tops and bras. Wear sundresses. Jog. See my feet. They're reshaped into perfectly symmetrical orbs. Almost too perfect. It bugs me how I've lost a certain natural appearance. I don't want people to think I have fake boobz (I did get a lot of "are those real?" questions from creepy guys online, but mostly people assume rightly that at this size, you wouldn't pay to put those on your chest.)
Part of me was excited - I looked great. I felt free. Part of me was sad, as I worried I might be - I had lost something that had come to be a part of me, as frustrating and inconvenient and painful as they could be. Never in all my years of wandering as Tyler or drifting from life to life via the Inn had I felt so attached to anything, let alone body parts I wasn't even born with. I worried about not being appreciative of the body I had inherited, but Cynthia has told me this was a dream of hers too.
It's like being a new me (something I'm real familiar with) with the losses and gains that implies, but I get to keep being me, which is exciting.
Once I got back into street clothes, Maddie and Ariel were gobsmacked. It was so different and yet it looked so rigbt. They were very supportive and very complimentary. They got me a card and pampered me while I recuperated.
Rafe eventually did text me back, saying that he was happy for me, in a weirdly brief manner. But that's him.
One other reason for the timing... Meg's wedding is coming up. And I wanted it all out of the way so I could wear a nice dress and feel good about myself because the only person I ever really loved is getting married and I need to be there to support her.
If it ain't too obvious to say, I really do feel a weight off my shoulders. I had been hemming and hawing so long, and now it's done and I don't regret it.
I'm a happy gal.
-Valerie
Showing posts with label boobs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boobs. Show all posts
Monday, February 24, 2020
Wednesday, December 04, 2019
Valerie: The Changes Never Stop
I found out recently that I'm lactose intolerant.
I had been feeling very gross off and on recently and I couldn't put my finger on why. Well, I guess I had some kind of an inkling but I probably dismissed it because I knew I never had a problem with it before. But the other week we were decorating out Apartment Christmas Tree and that meant lots of boozy Egg Nog, and that ended with me in the bathroom until 3 AM and turning down Rafe for the night (he was disappointed, and very immature about it when I told him why.)
I know this barely sounds like news, but it is to me. I had really hoped I was done being surprised by my body. We've reached a good place, me and it. I know when I'm about to start my period, I found a good sleeping position, and I think I've figured out where all my erogenous zones are (some would surprise you.) Then it goes and throws me a curveball - it's changed.
Changed. Huh. Funny that. It was like I took for granted that the body I inherited from the original Val would always be what it was. But the truth is, we are all changing all the time, in ways we barely notice. Sometimes it's health, sometimes it's taste. And it don't take a magical Inn to spark these changes sometimes. Things are going to change and keep changing.
So on that note...
I made a consultation for next week to get my breasts reduced. It's crazy that it has taken me this long to woman up and do it... it's been a year now since Cynthia gifted me with the money to do so if I so desired, because that was a goal of hers, but she was living hand-to-mouth (and dared not ask her high-earning-but-indebted fiance for the cash.)
It wasn't a goal of mine. Sure, my boobs and I haven't always gotten along. I know what it's like to be a woman with much smaller breasts, as Lauren and Judith. But both of those lives seem just as alien to me as Tyler's. I identify myself as Valerie, and Valerie's body is this. Short and busty.
Well, there's no making me taller.
In a way I had made my peace with them. I always have complaints - they're damned inconvenient, it's hard to find nice clothes that fit, they make me sore, they draw a ton of attention and the minute I forget I have them, I knock something over on the counter with them or dip them in ketchup.
But they're mine. I'm attached to them because I woke up with them as part of me when I began being Valerie, and I identify them as a defining characteristic of myself-as-her. Not to mention sometimes the attention they attract is not unwanted, and deep down there's still a kernel of a man inside of me who thinks it's stupendous to wake up every morning and scrub up the hugest pair of breasts I've ever seen.
But they're biologically wrong. They are literally too big for my body and I'm pretty sure a lot of damage has already been done. In my head, my reluctance comes from the idea of getting rid of my breasts entirely and suddenly becoming flat. It would change my life but also I worry it would leave me feeling less like a woman (Meg has reminded me over and over that this is the wrong way to think.) They're roughly an H cup (once you get this big, sizes are really just approximate) and I could probably go down to a full C and still feel sexy and busty and proportionate and healthy all at once, but it's scary because that is like making this body into something other than the one I woke up in and after all this time I value that stability. Even if it leaves me unable to sleep on my stomach.
Truth is, it's stupid not to do. I guess I just wanted more time to be sure. Knowing my body is changing on me in strange ways kind of spurred me to think about this again.
(Feels self up)
Get them while you can...
-Val
I had been feeling very gross off and on recently and I couldn't put my finger on why. Well, I guess I had some kind of an inkling but I probably dismissed it because I knew I never had a problem with it before. But the other week we were decorating out Apartment Christmas Tree and that meant lots of boozy Egg Nog, and that ended with me in the bathroom until 3 AM and turning down Rafe for the night (he was disappointed, and very immature about it when I told him why.)
I know this barely sounds like news, but it is to me. I had really hoped I was done being surprised by my body. We've reached a good place, me and it. I know when I'm about to start my period, I found a good sleeping position, and I think I've figured out where all my erogenous zones are (some would surprise you.) Then it goes and throws me a curveball - it's changed.
Changed. Huh. Funny that. It was like I took for granted that the body I inherited from the original Val would always be what it was. But the truth is, we are all changing all the time, in ways we barely notice. Sometimes it's health, sometimes it's taste. And it don't take a magical Inn to spark these changes sometimes. Things are going to change and keep changing.
So on that note...
I made a consultation for next week to get my breasts reduced. It's crazy that it has taken me this long to woman up and do it... it's been a year now since Cynthia gifted me with the money to do so if I so desired, because that was a goal of hers, but she was living hand-to-mouth (and dared not ask her high-earning-but-indebted fiance for the cash.)
It wasn't a goal of mine. Sure, my boobs and I haven't always gotten along. I know what it's like to be a woman with much smaller breasts, as Lauren and Judith. But both of those lives seem just as alien to me as Tyler's. I identify myself as Valerie, and Valerie's body is this. Short and busty.
Well, there's no making me taller.
In a way I had made my peace with them. I always have complaints - they're damned inconvenient, it's hard to find nice clothes that fit, they make me sore, they draw a ton of attention and the minute I forget I have them, I knock something over on the counter with them or dip them in ketchup.
But they're mine. I'm attached to them because I woke up with them as part of me when I began being Valerie, and I identify them as a defining characteristic of myself-as-her. Not to mention sometimes the attention they attract is not unwanted, and deep down there's still a kernel of a man inside of me who thinks it's stupendous to wake up every morning and scrub up the hugest pair of breasts I've ever seen.
But they're biologically wrong. They are literally too big for my body and I'm pretty sure a lot of damage has already been done. In my head, my reluctance comes from the idea of getting rid of my breasts entirely and suddenly becoming flat. It would change my life but also I worry it would leave me feeling less like a woman (Meg has reminded me over and over that this is the wrong way to think.) They're roughly an H cup (once you get this big, sizes are really just approximate) and I could probably go down to a full C and still feel sexy and busty and proportionate and healthy all at once, but it's scary because that is like making this body into something other than the one I woke up in and after all this time I value that stability. Even if it leaves me unable to sleep on my stomach.
Truth is, it's stupid not to do. I guess I just wanted more time to be sure. Knowing my body is changing on me in strange ways kind of spurred me to think about this again.
(Feels self up)
Get them while you can...
-Val
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Cliff/Tori: Behind closed doors
Most days, I think to myself, "I should post on the blog more" but I can never think of what to write down.
I mean, it used to be so strange to be here. I had all these little experiences about being a woman and about living with Tori's family and I'd save them up, and the ones I didn't write about it was because they were either too personal or they were too boring. About the tenth post I drafted up about how uncomfortable I was sleeping (because it hadn't occurred to me that I shouldn't sleep on my breasts) I began to feel self-conscious about repetition. So if you feel like you're missing any of the story, maybe you are, but I think I'm saying everything that's vital.
I mean, what is my life right now? You can figure it out. I'm still a guy in a girl's body, except that has become so much less shocking over the last 6 or 7 months. I still have my problems, still get taken off-guard sometimes by my hormones depending on the time of month, but it's mainly gotten fairly routine. Sometimes my friends... Tori's friends, but I call them my friends because they are my friends... think I'm lame for not going out with them, but this last month has really given me cause to rein in the social tendencies. I do go out from time to time, I go shopping, I go to bars, but I'm not having any shocking adventures. I almost wish I was, just to talk about it.
But I'm still sane, I'm still me. I've survived this long. In four months time, I will be in Maine, waiting to get my body back.
It feels like so long, but it's so close I can feel it, and that excites me more than anything else.
But there's a bittersweet part to it. I feel really welcome in this family. It's strange: I got the sense from Tori's journals that her family was often talking down to her or or generally negative, but... well, they've been super nice to me. I hate the idea that they like me as Tori better than her, but it shows that if she'd meet them halfway, they'd really appreciate it. For a few months I felt, and acted, like a guest, but they welcomed me in and I really do feel like they're my family.
I considered going up to Buffalo for my (real) birthday, but it coincides with the Easter weekend, and Tori's brother has threatened to disown me if I miss the Eastern gathering at the Pearce house, and since I think he's such a nice guy I've agreed. Plus, being out of my body for so long, it would be weird to go back early, again, as Tori.
Part of me suspects an ulterior motive for Willie even asking me to come up then. We've hardly spoken since we made arrangements for the Inn, partially a conscious decision on my part due to the effect he had on me the last time I was there, which led to me having a long, still-unresolved identity crisis thing. I almost wish he and I had gone all the way, because then I would know something. At best, I've got whatever gets me going when I play with myself. It's not guys, and it's not girls, it's just myself. The only thing that really turns me on is the idea of being alone with myself. But then thoughts of my own male face looking down at me, smiling, taking me by the hand... I can't deny I get a bit of a shiver when I think back on it, and I still have no idea what that means.
I'm worried, in short, that Willie would want to take advantage of that, and though I think he's a very nice person, I'm taking Alia's advice not to complicate things. Not now.
Like I said, I've gotten so attached to Tori's family that I feel like they deserve my presence if they want it. That goes for her parents, and even Mae. Oh, man, Mae, I feel so bad for her. Tori is still not a big fan of hers, even though she's been a very good sister to me. I feel like we've sort of matured together, and it will be a shame to let go of that. But that's the future. Let me tell you about the present.
I came home the other night from work and went up the stairs, to just kick back in my room for a while, when I came across Mae crouched down next to "mom & dad's" room. I asked "What's going on?" and with a weird, serious look on her face, she mouths the words "Mom and dad are fighting."
I feel my stomach sink. Mr. and Mrs. Pearce have been like my own parents, and they seem to be very close. I always see them joking around,quite lovey-dovey, they have a weekly date night. I haven't seen them fight at all since I got here. So, feeling some concern, I crouched down and put my ear to the door.
I listened for some yelling or some arguing, or something, but all I could hear were muffled sounds of... I wasn't entirely sure. And then it dawned on me. And Mae, seeing the look of my face, got a grin on her face three miles wide. Mom and dad weren't fighting, they were fucking! The increasingly-loud female moans inside confirmed this.
Embarrassed, I rushed off to my room. Mae gave chase, following me to my room and shutting the door behind her, laughing her ass off as soon as it was shut. for my part, I could hardly breathe I was laughing so hard. I don't know why it was funny, it just was.
"Your face!" she wheezed, "Your fucking face was so--!"
"That was not cool! Why were you listening to that?"
She explained, since her room shares a wall with theirs, she hears them anytime they do it, and she felt like I deserved the privilege as well. My face was red with shock and embarrassment. I buried my face in my pillow. Mae joined me on the bed, lying widthwise, we just sat there trying to get over it until she observed, "Jeez, Vic, what's up with your room?" (I should point out that although all Tori's friends call her Tori, her family switches between Tori and Vic/Vicki/Victoria. Mae uses Vic most often, because I think Tori has said she doesn't like it.)
I don't have many visitors. At present time, my room is a schizophrenic cross between a girl who has just moved in (boxes everywhere) and a girl who can't clean up after herself (clothes everywhere.) "I'm just... busy, I guess. It doesn't bother me."
"Jeez, no wonder you're not getting any action. Guys can't get hard for a slob like you."
"Hey," I pointed out, "When a guy gets a shot at someone like this," I gestured at my body, "the last thing he's looking at are the bras on the floor." The observation felt a little sleazy as I said it, but I have to admit it's true.
She snorted, somewhat-lovingly, "You're so full of yourself, Tori. I used to hate that about you. You're still pretty hard to live with sometimes. I mean, shit, you know what I mean? I love you and everything, but sometimes you walk around like you haven't got a clue what's going on around here."
"It's been a confusing year for me," I say, trying to reach some semblance of honesty.
"I can be a bitch sometimes, I know," she admitted. Then she looked at me, expecting em to admit the same.
"I do my best, Mae." I got a little tripped up, "You're my little sister. It hasn't always been easy, but... you know? We get along now, right?"
"Yeah," she smiled. Then she spotted a top on the floor. "Is that mine?"
"Huh? Oh, no, that's mine." It was just a plaid top I picked up back in October when I was staying with Tori and Rob in Louisville.
"Oh yeah, I forgot you dress like that sometimes..." it was definitely more "her" style, but I don't really conform to any particular style. Some days I indulge in Tori's frilly clothes, some days I like the basic workshirt-looking ones. That's the amazing thing about women's clothes. She unbunched it, "You mind if I...?"
"Sure, go ahead," I shrugged.
Then, sitting right there, she took her top off, and I should note she was not wearing a bra. I mean, it's not like she flashed me - she did twist her body away modestly, but I did see everything.
It was weird how comfortable she was doing that. I watched her button up the shirt.
Mae is a bit smaller than me, has rounder hips and about the same size of a chest. There would be a stronger family resemblance if we had the same hairstyle, but I have kept Tori's long hair because I'm not interested in making that kind of change. Also she sometimes wears reading glasses, plastic-framed emo-type glasses.
She smoothed out the chest. Only the middle buttons were done up. She cupped the underside of her breasts, I guess to simulate a bra. I watched this, expecting to be caught leering.
I want to clarify... I'm not lusting after her or anything. She's young, and she's my sister. But after all these months I'm still curious about how women feel about their bodies, and Mae caught me off guard with her comfort. Maybe it's a sisterly thing, maybe it's particular to her.
She did catch the look on my face eventually, and asked what was up with it. I said, "How would you feel if I took off my top right now?"
She shrugged, "Well, I wouldn't stare. I'd probably be a little jealous. I don't know. Wouldn't weird me out. You're the one who goes skinny dipping with those friends of yours, hot tubbing and shit. Is it weird 'cause I'm your sister?"
"A little bit."
Irritated, she unbuttoned the top again, letting her breasts hang. I tried not to stare. She looked me in the eye, I was very confused. She began to laugh, "Oh my God, you are totally freaked out right now!" she looked down at herself then back at me. "Shit, Tori, they're just breasts!"
"Yeah, but--" I stammered, "They're your breasts!"
Still laughing, she slipped the top back on, but instead of buttoning it, clutched the two sides with her hand and lay back on the bed. "You're so weird."
Then after a silence, she sighed, "I think me and Ed are gonna end soon."
"Oh yeah?"
"It was probably a mistake to have sex with him. We were going so well before that, and then we did it... I mean, I like sex, a lot more than I thought I would, but Ed won't stop asking about it. It's so annoying. He didn't used to be this way."
"Boys," I sighed, lying back, "I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it's just..." I stopped. I really had no clue what to say. Somewhere inside of me is a boy who is still glad he can see a pair of tits whenever he wants, feel a pussy, even if they're his. I shouldn't put myself down. I corrected myself, "Even if they really are all like that, the good ones can hide it."
She sat up and said, "Mom and dad are probably done now, I'm gonna go back to my room."
She walked off in my shirt. "Don't be a stranger..." I called out. Not looking back, she gave me a thumbs up.
I mean, it used to be so strange to be here. I had all these little experiences about being a woman and about living with Tori's family and I'd save them up, and the ones I didn't write about it was because they were either too personal or they were too boring. About the tenth post I drafted up about how uncomfortable I was sleeping (because it hadn't occurred to me that I shouldn't sleep on my breasts) I began to feel self-conscious about repetition. So if you feel like you're missing any of the story, maybe you are, but I think I'm saying everything that's vital.
I mean, what is my life right now? You can figure it out. I'm still a guy in a girl's body, except that has become so much less shocking over the last 6 or 7 months. I still have my problems, still get taken off-guard sometimes by my hormones depending on the time of month, but it's mainly gotten fairly routine. Sometimes my friends... Tori's friends, but I call them my friends because they are my friends... think I'm lame for not going out with them, but this last month has really given me cause to rein in the social tendencies. I do go out from time to time, I go shopping, I go to bars, but I'm not having any shocking adventures. I almost wish I was, just to talk about it.
But I'm still sane, I'm still me. I've survived this long. In four months time, I will be in Maine, waiting to get my body back.
It feels like so long, but it's so close I can feel it, and that excites me more than anything else.
But there's a bittersweet part to it. I feel really welcome in this family. It's strange: I got the sense from Tori's journals that her family was often talking down to her or or generally negative, but... well, they've been super nice to me. I hate the idea that they like me as Tori better than her, but it shows that if she'd meet them halfway, they'd really appreciate it. For a few months I felt, and acted, like a guest, but they welcomed me in and I really do feel like they're my family.
I considered going up to Buffalo for my (real) birthday, but it coincides with the Easter weekend, and Tori's brother has threatened to disown me if I miss the Eastern gathering at the Pearce house, and since I think he's such a nice guy I've agreed. Plus, being out of my body for so long, it would be weird to go back early, again, as Tori.
Part of me suspects an ulterior motive for Willie even asking me to come up then. We've hardly spoken since we made arrangements for the Inn, partially a conscious decision on my part due to the effect he had on me the last time I was there, which led to me having a long, still-unresolved identity crisis thing. I almost wish he and I had gone all the way, because then I would know something. At best, I've got whatever gets me going when I play with myself. It's not guys, and it's not girls, it's just myself. The only thing that really turns me on is the idea of being alone with myself. But then thoughts of my own male face looking down at me, smiling, taking me by the hand... I can't deny I get a bit of a shiver when I think back on it, and I still have no idea what that means.
I'm worried, in short, that Willie would want to take advantage of that, and though I think he's a very nice person, I'm taking Alia's advice not to complicate things. Not now.
Like I said, I've gotten so attached to Tori's family that I feel like they deserve my presence if they want it. That goes for her parents, and even Mae. Oh, man, Mae, I feel so bad for her. Tori is still not a big fan of hers, even though she's been a very good sister to me. I feel like we've sort of matured together, and it will be a shame to let go of that. But that's the future. Let me tell you about the present.
I came home the other night from work and went up the stairs, to just kick back in my room for a while, when I came across Mae crouched down next to "mom & dad's" room. I asked "What's going on?" and with a weird, serious look on her face, she mouths the words "Mom and dad are fighting."
I feel my stomach sink. Mr. and Mrs. Pearce have been like my own parents, and they seem to be very close. I always see them joking around,quite lovey-dovey, they have a weekly date night. I haven't seen them fight at all since I got here. So, feeling some concern, I crouched down and put my ear to the door.
I listened for some yelling or some arguing, or something, but all I could hear were muffled sounds of... I wasn't entirely sure. And then it dawned on me. And Mae, seeing the look of my face, got a grin on her face three miles wide. Mom and dad weren't fighting, they were fucking! The increasingly-loud female moans inside confirmed this.
Embarrassed, I rushed off to my room. Mae gave chase, following me to my room and shutting the door behind her, laughing her ass off as soon as it was shut. for my part, I could hardly breathe I was laughing so hard. I don't know why it was funny, it just was.
"Your face!" she wheezed, "Your fucking face was so--!"
"That was not cool! Why were you listening to that?"
She explained, since her room shares a wall with theirs, she hears them anytime they do it, and she felt like I deserved the privilege as well. My face was red with shock and embarrassment. I buried my face in my pillow. Mae joined me on the bed, lying widthwise, we just sat there trying to get over it until she observed, "Jeez, Vic, what's up with your room?" (I should point out that although all Tori's friends call her Tori, her family switches between Tori and Vic/Vicki/Victoria. Mae uses Vic most often, because I think Tori has said she doesn't like it.)
I don't have many visitors. At present time, my room is a schizophrenic cross between a girl who has just moved in (boxes everywhere) and a girl who can't clean up after herself (clothes everywhere.) "I'm just... busy, I guess. It doesn't bother me."
"Jeez, no wonder you're not getting any action. Guys can't get hard for a slob like you."
"Hey," I pointed out, "When a guy gets a shot at someone like this," I gestured at my body, "the last thing he's looking at are the bras on the floor." The observation felt a little sleazy as I said it, but I have to admit it's true.
She snorted, somewhat-lovingly, "You're so full of yourself, Tori. I used to hate that about you. You're still pretty hard to live with sometimes. I mean, shit, you know what I mean? I love you and everything, but sometimes you walk around like you haven't got a clue what's going on around here."
"It's been a confusing year for me," I say, trying to reach some semblance of honesty.
"I can be a bitch sometimes, I know," she admitted. Then she looked at me, expecting em to admit the same.
"I do my best, Mae." I got a little tripped up, "You're my little sister. It hasn't always been easy, but... you know? We get along now, right?"
"Yeah," she smiled. Then she spotted a top on the floor. "Is that mine?"
"Huh? Oh, no, that's mine." It was just a plaid top I picked up back in October when I was staying with Tori and Rob in Louisville.
"Oh yeah, I forgot you dress like that sometimes..." it was definitely more "her" style, but I don't really conform to any particular style. Some days I indulge in Tori's frilly clothes, some days I like the basic workshirt-looking ones. That's the amazing thing about women's clothes. She unbunched it, "You mind if I...?"
"Sure, go ahead," I shrugged.
Then, sitting right there, she took her top off, and I should note she was not wearing a bra. I mean, it's not like she flashed me - she did twist her body away modestly, but I did see everything.
It was weird how comfortable she was doing that. I watched her button up the shirt.
Mae is a bit smaller than me, has rounder hips and about the same size of a chest. There would be a stronger family resemblance if we had the same hairstyle, but I have kept Tori's long hair because I'm not interested in making that kind of change. Also she sometimes wears reading glasses, plastic-framed emo-type glasses.
She smoothed out the chest. Only the middle buttons were done up. She cupped the underside of her breasts, I guess to simulate a bra. I watched this, expecting to be caught leering.
I want to clarify... I'm not lusting after her or anything. She's young, and she's my sister. But after all these months I'm still curious about how women feel about their bodies, and Mae caught me off guard with her comfort. Maybe it's a sisterly thing, maybe it's particular to her.
She did catch the look on my face eventually, and asked what was up with it. I said, "How would you feel if I took off my top right now?"
She shrugged, "Well, I wouldn't stare. I'd probably be a little jealous. I don't know. Wouldn't weird me out. You're the one who goes skinny dipping with those friends of yours, hot tubbing and shit. Is it weird 'cause I'm your sister?"
"A little bit."
Irritated, she unbuttoned the top again, letting her breasts hang. I tried not to stare. She looked me in the eye, I was very confused. She began to laugh, "Oh my God, you are totally freaked out right now!" she looked down at herself then back at me. "Shit, Tori, they're just breasts!"
"Yeah, but--" I stammered, "They're your breasts!"
Still laughing, she slipped the top back on, but instead of buttoning it, clutched the two sides with her hand and lay back on the bed. "You're so weird."
Then after a silence, she sighed, "I think me and Ed are gonna end soon."
"Oh yeah?"
"It was probably a mistake to have sex with him. We were going so well before that, and then we did it... I mean, I like sex, a lot more than I thought I would, but Ed won't stop asking about it. It's so annoying. He didn't used to be this way."
"Boys," I sighed, lying back, "I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it's just..." I stopped. I really had no clue what to say. Somewhere inside of me is a boy who is still glad he can see a pair of tits whenever he wants, feel a pussy, even if they're his. I shouldn't put myself down. I corrected myself, "Even if they really are all like that, the good ones can hide it."
She sat up and said, "Mom and dad are probably done now, I'm gonna go back to my room."
She walked off in my shirt. "Don't be a stranger..." I called out. Not looking back, she gave me a thumbs up.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Cliff/Tori: You take the bad with the good
It figures that after spending a day earlier this week thinking about writing a post talking about the ways it's not so bad being Tori, I get sidetracked with a really bad bout of menstrual cramps and a headache that makes me hardly want to do anything but lay around when I'm at home.
Mae and I appear to be on the same cycle as we were both moping around the house this week. I would've thought periods would only aggravate her tendency to snipe at me, they actually have the opposite effect. It's like we've got an understanding that neither of us has the energy to hassle the other. Plus, with her in school all day and me at work several evenings a week, we hardly see one another, which means she's ultimately more pleasant when we do see each other. I can't think of a rude thing she's said to me in weeks.
It's so weird to have inherited this sibling rivalry of sorts. My older brother Bret was not my biggest fan, and I wasn't his, but I don't actually remember much hostility. I tried to hide whatever resentment I felt for him, since our parents, mom in particular, usually seemed to favor him.
Anyway. The cramps sidetracked my desire to write, and especially my desire to write about how much easier it is to deal with being Tori lately. But things are feeling a bit better now so I'll let you in on a bit of a secret. Cramps aside...
Being Tori isn't the worst thing in the world.
I have a stupid job that is not challenging at all and that I am way overqualified for, sure... but it keeps me busy, stops me from worrying too much about life, and makes me money and I don't have to pay rent to live with Mr. and Mrs. Pearce. They're nice people and I really don't mind spending time with them. I was watching Dancing with the Stars with Tori's mom while her dad sat back and read the paper. "Mom" got really worked up at some of the judges' comments, at which point "Dad" nonchalantly reminded her that nobody on TV could hear her. Then he put down the paper and gave this weird, funny smirk that made us all burst into laughter for a moment. I find nice moments like that offset the mind-bending horror of being transformed oddly well.
Then there are the other bonuses.
Admit it, guys. If you were stuck in the body of a woman, you'd relish any opportunity to not have clothes on. For the first few weeks I was Tori, I tried to be as polite about it as possible, like it was impolite to stare, and somehow I risked being admonished by the girl in the mirror. It wasn't too long before I was playing little scenarios out with the mirror in my room, where I was me again, and Tori was a girl I met at a bar.
Yeah. Then that got weird, although I just laughed it off when I realized what I was doing was a version of preparing myself for inevitable situations I am actually going to have to live through from Tori's side. Still, mirror-time is fun-time.
Now, how do I say this without coming off totally girly... I don't really mind having boobs so much, but that's not to say I love them. A lot of the time I don't even think about them being down there, and then when I look down it's like "oh, hello. How could I forget?" The entire feeling of being a girl has gotten so normal to me that I barely notice until I get home at night and unclasp my bra. There's such a difference, and one of the problems is that my shoulders get a little sore holding these things up all day, and then when I set them free, there's a different sort of discomfort. And yet I don't mind them. I can't explain it. They're just... part of Tori's body. Part of the deal.
But I do occasionally find male co-workers, and strangers on the street casting glances their way. I have yet to decide what I think about that... I can't say I blame them.
While I'm on the subject of stuff I can complain about, my typing has slowed down noticeably since bieng Tori, not surprisingly. I used to be up at about 75 words per minute and right now, with Tori's shorter fingers I'm down somewhere around the high 50's, pacing myself so as to prevent excessive typos. I remember having to proofread and edit my early posts excessively because I was so clumsy. I'm getting better though.
Plus, since I spend all day on the phone, I'm starting to tire of hearing Tori's voice. When I stop and try to listen to myself talk I get distracted by how high and nasal my voice is. I imagine it's probably quite a pretty voice, but it still sounds wrong and I didn't expect it to hit me after this long. I want to sound more masculine than my body is capable of providing, not to mention how sad it sounds when I try to deepen my voice.
I've also been having hair problems. For starters, long hair is super-inconvenient to wash and dry, but as I generally get up several hours before going to work, this isn't much of a problem for me. The problem comes in when Tori's hair behaves in unexpected ways, like getting frizzy in certain weather. Is there a conditioner or something I should be using?
Greg mentioned putting on some weight in his new body. That hasn't exactly been the case for me, as the first time I tried induling my male apetite, I got stuffed really easily and got nauseous. That's not to say this body is in as good of shape as when I got it, but knowing my limits has been part of this whole ordeal. Believe me, I'm getting sick of salads and chicken breasts, but I just couldn't handle a thick juicy steak right now, as much as I'd love one. Also, because the Pearces don't keep much snackfood around the house I've mainly eaten fruit when hungry between meals. It's like I accidentally started dieting!
My main problem seems to be what to do with my free time. I could use a hobby of some kind; Tori's hobby seems to be serial dating, which is not my idea of a good time. I read when I can, but for some reason, if I read too long I'm prone to headaches. I used to be able to read all day, when I was younger; I have no idea how this might be related to the change, but it's unnerving.
So I've made myself a little project. I've realized that no matter what I do, I'm stuck with the body of a girl, and everything around me belongs to a girl, and denying that wasn't getting me anywhere. So I made a bit of a list of things I had been putting off, things I could try as Tori that wouldn't hurt my self-image as Cliff too much.
Before you people start getting any big ideas, however, I should warn you it's not all that exciting of a list. The first item is that tomorrow I'm going to wear heels. The idea is to push things along... but slowly, and not do anything I have reason to be uncomfortable with. You know what I mean.
Mae and I appear to be on the same cycle as we were both moping around the house this week. I would've thought periods would only aggravate her tendency to snipe at me, they actually have the opposite effect. It's like we've got an understanding that neither of us has the energy to hassle the other. Plus, with her in school all day and me at work several evenings a week, we hardly see one another, which means she's ultimately more pleasant when we do see each other. I can't think of a rude thing she's said to me in weeks.
It's so weird to have inherited this sibling rivalry of sorts. My older brother Bret was not my biggest fan, and I wasn't his, but I don't actually remember much hostility. I tried to hide whatever resentment I felt for him, since our parents, mom in particular, usually seemed to favor him.
Anyway. The cramps sidetracked my desire to write, and especially my desire to write about how much easier it is to deal with being Tori lately. But things are feeling a bit better now so I'll let you in on a bit of a secret. Cramps aside...
Being Tori isn't the worst thing in the world.
I have a stupid job that is not challenging at all and that I am way overqualified for, sure... but it keeps me busy, stops me from worrying too much about life, and makes me money and I don't have to pay rent to live with Mr. and Mrs. Pearce. They're nice people and I really don't mind spending time with them. I was watching Dancing with the Stars with Tori's mom while her dad sat back and read the paper. "Mom" got really worked up at some of the judges' comments, at which point "Dad" nonchalantly reminded her that nobody on TV could hear her. Then he put down the paper and gave this weird, funny smirk that made us all burst into laughter for a moment. I find nice moments like that offset the mind-bending horror of being transformed oddly well.
Then there are the other bonuses.
Admit it, guys. If you were stuck in the body of a woman, you'd relish any opportunity to not have clothes on. For the first few weeks I was Tori, I tried to be as polite about it as possible, like it was impolite to stare, and somehow I risked being admonished by the girl in the mirror. It wasn't too long before I was playing little scenarios out with the mirror in my room, where I was me again, and Tori was a girl I met at a bar.
Yeah. Then that got weird, although I just laughed it off when I realized what I was doing was a version of preparing myself for inevitable situations I am actually going to have to live through from Tori's side. Still, mirror-time is fun-time.
Now, how do I say this without coming off totally girly... I don't really mind having boobs so much, but that's not to say I love them. A lot of the time I don't even think about them being down there, and then when I look down it's like "oh, hello. How could I forget?" The entire feeling of being a girl has gotten so normal to me that I barely notice until I get home at night and unclasp my bra. There's such a difference, and one of the problems is that my shoulders get a little sore holding these things up all day, and then when I set them free, there's a different sort of discomfort. And yet I don't mind them. I can't explain it. They're just... part of Tori's body. Part of the deal.
But I do occasionally find male co-workers, and strangers on the street casting glances their way. I have yet to decide what I think about that... I can't say I blame them.
While I'm on the subject of stuff I can complain about, my typing has slowed down noticeably since bieng Tori, not surprisingly. I used to be up at about 75 words per minute and right now, with Tori's shorter fingers I'm down somewhere around the high 50's, pacing myself so as to prevent excessive typos. I remember having to proofread and edit my early posts excessively because I was so clumsy. I'm getting better though.
Plus, since I spend all day on the phone, I'm starting to tire of hearing Tori's voice. When I stop and try to listen to myself talk I get distracted by how high and nasal my voice is. I imagine it's probably quite a pretty voice, but it still sounds wrong and I didn't expect it to hit me after this long. I want to sound more masculine than my body is capable of providing, not to mention how sad it sounds when I try to deepen my voice.
I've also been having hair problems. For starters, long hair is super-inconvenient to wash and dry, but as I generally get up several hours before going to work, this isn't much of a problem for me. The problem comes in when Tori's hair behaves in unexpected ways, like getting frizzy in certain weather. Is there a conditioner or something I should be using?
Greg mentioned putting on some weight in his new body. That hasn't exactly been the case for me, as the first time I tried induling my male apetite, I got stuffed really easily and got nauseous. That's not to say this body is in as good of shape as when I got it, but knowing my limits has been part of this whole ordeal. Believe me, I'm getting sick of salads and chicken breasts, but I just couldn't handle a thick juicy steak right now, as much as I'd love one. Also, because the Pearces don't keep much snackfood around the house I've mainly eaten fruit when hungry between meals. It's like I accidentally started dieting!
My main problem seems to be what to do with my free time. I could use a hobby of some kind; Tori's hobby seems to be serial dating, which is not my idea of a good time. I read when I can, but for some reason, if I read too long I'm prone to headaches. I used to be able to read all day, when I was younger; I have no idea how this might be related to the change, but it's unnerving.
So I've made myself a little project. I've realized that no matter what I do, I'm stuck with the body of a girl, and everything around me belongs to a girl, and denying that wasn't getting me anywhere. So I made a bit of a list of things I had been putting off, things I could try as Tori that wouldn't hurt my self-image as Cliff too much.
Before you people start getting any big ideas, however, I should warn you it's not all that exciting of a list. The first item is that tomorrow I'm going to wear heels. The idea is to push things along... but slowly, and not do anything I have reason to be uncomfortable with. You know what I mean.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Cliff/Tori: Pulling my weight
Since I'm still not working (although I've stumbled onto some promising leads) I pass the time and help around the house by doing chores. I guess in theory I'm supposed to be splitting them with Mae, but she's kinda lazy, and gets indignant whenever I ask her to pitch in. Maybe she feels like Tori shouldn't be living at home, and this is her punishment.
Well, that's an irritating attitude. I didn't ask to live here, if I had my I'd be back home in my own place, which I kept tidy mostly be working a lot and being too tired at the end of the day to mess it up too much. I think I've been punished enough, and for no reason. But I can't really explain this to her. So what's a guy to do? I grin and bear it. And I bury my frustrations.
I'm thinking of taking up boxing just so I can have something to punch.
So one of my chores is to walk the family dog. Scruff. He's a big old English sheepdog, which might not have been a problem when I was a man and had a bit more size and strength (I never thought I was a particularly strong man until I started having trouble with heavy doors and tricky jars... urgh.) But now it's a bit of a chore to out-muscle this dog when he wants to go one way and I don't. That said, he's a very friendly dog, very sweet and affectionate... although the first time I met him he shoved his nose directly into my newly-female crotch.
So the other afternoon I was getting in from a promising interview just in time to have to walk him. It was hot out and I had changed into something a bit breezier, a gray tank top and no bra, with shorts. As I was struggling between holding the dog back with one arm and trying to pick up his poop with the other, I hear a voce behind me. "Tori? Hey! Where've you been?"
I turn and see a guy I don't recognize. I've looked at a lot of Tori's Facebook friends' profiles, but not all of them, and I couldn't recall the names of any of the ones I've seen anyway, off the top of my head, not the guys anyway. Mostly, they're dudes she went to school with that wanted to date her but had no berve (I sympathize,) or guys she did date at one point but stayed friends with. This guy looked like the latter. He was nicely dressed, smelled like aftershave. I braced myself and began to sweat.
"Hey... I've been... hanging around the house mostly, wasting the summer, looking for work. You?"
"I just got back from Texas. I thought you went to Europe?"
"No, that was just Raine and Sara. I did go to Maine..." I started stumbling my way through what I know of Tori's backstory. He asks me if I want to go to "that juice place we like." I said not right now, I'm walking the dog. He offers to join me.
Ugh. It was painful. I kept quiet and nodded along to his small talk, but had no idea who he was or what Tori's true relationship to him was. He didn't seem to act like they'd had sex or dated, but it felt like it was possible. I was very uncomfortable.
We got back to my place before long. I gave the dog a treat and he reiterated his offer for juice. Then he said a couple words that have been ringing in my ears ever since.
"My treat."
I shouldn't feel compelled to keep up too strongly with Tori's life and friends. If I end up liking them and getting along with them, on my own terms, I'll be fine, but I don't want to feel like because they are Tori's friends they deserve my company. So I've been dodging people like this guy since I arrived in Philadelphia. Then he said the words "my treat" and suddenly I was very thirsty for juice.
It's weird. Based almost purely on what I look like, people like this want to spend money to spend time with me. I didn't want to go with the guy, but if he was that eager to buy me some juice, I thought, what could the harm be in spending an afternoon with the guy?
So I went with him, a few blocks away from my place, being sure to memorize the route. He told me some anecdotes about people I'm supposed to know. I faked it as best as I could, but when I didn't laugh he asked what was up with me. I told him my mind was someplace else. Well, ain't that the truth.
He asked about my job, I said I left the hair salon because I didn't get along with my boss. He just looked at me like he was rolling his eyes (but wasn't literally) and thinking "Not again." I guess this is the type of pattern Tori has settled into. Which of course makes it damn frustrating to find work.
"Well," he says, "I'll let you know if I hear something." I thought that was nice, although I still had no idea who he was or what he could help me with. In any case, I accepted his offer, at least nominally.
I wasn't comfortable with the whole afternoon though. It felt too much like a date - not like it was really a date, but like he wanted it to be a date. I do believe guys and girls can hang out and not be romantic, I've had enough platonic female friends (read: girls who have rejected me) that I know this can be done. But few of them really looked like Tori. He kept looking at me with this expression I recognized from myself. Like a muted, buried desire. Like somewhere deep down in his brains he was wondering what he had to do to get with me.
It made me feel really weird. Really uncomfortable. But I couldn't do anything because he didn't make a move or anything, he just sat there, being... polite.
When I got home, I was rushing through the house to go to my computer and see exactly who it was I'd spent an hour and a half with, when I passed Mae in the kitchen. "Dude, were you just out like that?"
"Uh yeah, why?"
Then I paused. I hadn't bothered to put a bra on after dropping off the dog, and the tank top didn't offer much support. My boobs were swinging free and I hardly even noticed. But I bet that guy did. Fuck!!
So after going to my room and lying on the bed with my face buried in pillows for a while to look the guy up.
His name is Thom Weiss. According to his profile, he's in "Marketing" which is not terribly specific. Tori dated his older brother for a few months, and I guess they got along okay. So I can assume he hasn't seen Tori naked... but that doesn't mean he didn't want to. And now I think he really wants to.
Every day it seems like I find a new way to feel like an utter clod. I'm a mess.
Well, that's an irritating attitude. I didn't ask to live here, if I had my I'd be back home in my own place, which I kept tidy mostly be working a lot and being too tired at the end of the day to mess it up too much. I think I've been punished enough, and for no reason. But I can't really explain this to her. So what's a guy to do? I grin and bear it. And I bury my frustrations.
I'm thinking of taking up boxing just so I can have something to punch.
So one of my chores is to walk the family dog. Scruff. He's a big old English sheepdog, which might not have been a problem when I was a man and had a bit more size and strength (I never thought I was a particularly strong man until I started having trouble with heavy doors and tricky jars... urgh.) But now it's a bit of a chore to out-muscle this dog when he wants to go one way and I don't. That said, he's a very friendly dog, very sweet and affectionate... although the first time I met him he shoved his nose directly into my newly-female crotch.
So the other afternoon I was getting in from a promising interview just in time to have to walk him. It was hot out and I had changed into something a bit breezier, a gray tank top and no bra, with shorts. As I was struggling between holding the dog back with one arm and trying to pick up his poop with the other, I hear a voce behind me. "Tori? Hey! Where've you been?"
I turn and see a guy I don't recognize. I've looked at a lot of Tori's Facebook friends' profiles, but not all of them, and I couldn't recall the names of any of the ones I've seen anyway, off the top of my head, not the guys anyway. Mostly, they're dudes she went to school with that wanted to date her but had no berve (I sympathize,) or guys she did date at one point but stayed friends with. This guy looked like the latter. He was nicely dressed, smelled like aftershave. I braced myself and began to sweat.
"Hey... I've been... hanging around the house mostly, wasting the summer, looking for work. You?"
"I just got back from Texas. I thought you went to Europe?"
"No, that was just Raine and Sara. I did go to Maine..." I started stumbling my way through what I know of Tori's backstory. He asks me if I want to go to "that juice place we like." I said not right now, I'm walking the dog. He offers to join me.
Ugh. It was painful. I kept quiet and nodded along to his small talk, but had no idea who he was or what Tori's true relationship to him was. He didn't seem to act like they'd had sex or dated, but it felt like it was possible. I was very uncomfortable.
We got back to my place before long. I gave the dog a treat and he reiterated his offer for juice. Then he said a couple words that have been ringing in my ears ever since.
"My treat."
I shouldn't feel compelled to keep up too strongly with Tori's life and friends. If I end up liking them and getting along with them, on my own terms, I'll be fine, but I don't want to feel like because they are Tori's friends they deserve my company. So I've been dodging people like this guy since I arrived in Philadelphia. Then he said the words "my treat" and suddenly I was very thirsty for juice.
It's weird. Based almost purely on what I look like, people like this want to spend money to spend time with me. I didn't want to go with the guy, but if he was that eager to buy me some juice, I thought, what could the harm be in spending an afternoon with the guy?
So I went with him, a few blocks away from my place, being sure to memorize the route. He told me some anecdotes about people I'm supposed to know. I faked it as best as I could, but when I didn't laugh he asked what was up with me. I told him my mind was someplace else. Well, ain't that the truth.
He asked about my job, I said I left the hair salon because I didn't get along with my boss. He just looked at me like he was rolling his eyes (but wasn't literally) and thinking "Not again." I guess this is the type of pattern Tori has settled into. Which of course makes it damn frustrating to find work.
"Well," he says, "I'll let you know if I hear something." I thought that was nice, although I still had no idea who he was or what he could help me with. In any case, I accepted his offer, at least nominally.
I wasn't comfortable with the whole afternoon though. It felt too much like a date - not like it was really a date, but like he wanted it to be a date. I do believe guys and girls can hang out and not be romantic, I've had enough platonic female friends (read: girls who have rejected me) that I know this can be done. But few of them really looked like Tori. He kept looking at me with this expression I recognized from myself. Like a muted, buried desire. Like somewhere deep down in his brains he was wondering what he had to do to get with me.
It made me feel really weird. Really uncomfortable. But I couldn't do anything because he didn't make a move or anything, he just sat there, being... polite.
When I got home, I was rushing through the house to go to my computer and see exactly who it was I'd spent an hour and a half with, when I passed Mae in the kitchen. "Dude, were you just out like that?"
"Uh yeah, why?"
Then I paused. I hadn't bothered to put a bra on after dropping off the dog, and the tank top didn't offer much support. My boobs were swinging free and I hardly even noticed. But I bet that guy did. Fuck!!
So after going to my room and lying on the bed with my face buried in pillows for a while to look the guy up.
His name is Thom Weiss. According to his profile, he's in "Marketing" which is not terribly specific. Tori dated his older brother for a few months, and I guess they got along okay. So I can assume he hasn't seen Tori naked... but that doesn't mean he didn't want to. And now I think he really wants to.
Every day it seems like I find a new way to feel like an utter clod. I'm a mess.
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