Sunday, August 08, 2010

Greg/Didi: Happiness

So in the comment section of my last post, not only did i get some great advice on how to be a better smoker, I also got a question asking me that if I have to be female, can I at least ever be happy in the body that Im in? And ive been ruminating on it ever since.

Truth is, my gender isnt really one of the things Ive been mad about during this ordeal. If Dee had been a man, Id probably be just as pissed. I actually think my whole "its weird being a girl" thing was pretty short lived, and it happened last year. When I became Priya, everything was weird for a while, but since I was basically playing another part in my former life, things werent THAT different. In retrospect, this blog was really helpful in me getting over being a girl. The fact that Arthur and Jake seemed to get used to it compounded with the fact that it would only be temporary made me put it out of my mind and concentrate on being Priya, not just being a girl.

After spending the last year or so as a female, changing into Dee wasnt much of a big deal in that regard. Ive got all the same parts, I just had to get used to them being in different shapes (and a different color). I think if I woke up tommorow as a man, Id have a tougher time readjusting to that than I did adjusting to being older and fatter.

Another commenter said that I probably could never be happy, since Gender Dysphoria Disorder is difficult for people who ARENT cursed, and that got me thinking in an entirely different brain. Do I have that? It doesnt feel like it. Most people with GDD want to kill themselves because they were born the wrong gender. I was cursed this way, but dont feel so overcome by femalehood that I dont want to live. Did the inn change that part of my brain too? If I got a brain scan tommorow, would it show up as a female brain or a male one? Obviously I cant talk this over with a shrink, unless that shrink had previoulsy visited the inn.

This leads us to the queston: Can I be happy living as Dee? So far I dont know. You guys missed my first month or so when I was in this body, then I was miserable and mad at the world. Cursing my rotten luck to have to precede the awful woman whose face I had to see every morning. Disgusted at the flab and sagging that I have to see everytime I take a shower. Nowadays? Ive calmed down some, and I dont think thats just the nicotine talking.

Maybe its the knowledge that I wont be her next year. Maybe its just me getting used to things via a routine. I like to think that theres a part of me that will always be Greg, and hes not a quitter. And now matter what I look like on the outside, on the inside Ill be making the best of my situation and adapting.

So while this isnt anywhere near where I want to be, for my own sanity i'm gonna keep plugging along, enjoying small moments of happiness when I find them.



Anonymous said...

Scary hypothetical question... If you continue to smoke and develop lung cancer would you still return to the inn knowing someone else would be stuck with the problem?

Greg said...

Yes. Definitly.

I could lose both legs in a car accident, there is nothing I can think of that will keep me from the Inn next year.