Thursday, August 05, 2010

Greg/Didi: Quitting

No, im not quitting the blog again. If I did I wouldnt be posting here, and as one commmenter put it, this blog is a very useful source of information. If anything its cool to read up on the trials and tribulations of others who have been cursed like me, and how they react to it.

On that same, note, I wish Emily David had turned into me, because then I wouldnt be in this situation, when I talked to her via email a couple times, she seemed pretty cool. Never let on that she was in love with her inherited gf. But she was able to walk away from a newfound love in order for the body's rightful owner to reestablish his. She basically was faced with the same situation as Dee, and chose the opposite path. I hope good things come her way, and next to her Dee looks like a complete bitch.

Anyway, right now I look like that complete bitch, but i'm trying to make the best of it. Knowing that its probably temporary helps, but it still doesnt assuage the anger I feel ever time I look in the mirror. I think that attitude has been reflected in my personality because Vicki, one of my new co-workers, asked me if everything is alright, because ever since I've came back from Maine this year Ive been standoffish, when last year the trip had the total opposite effect. It dawned on me that this isnt the first time that the people in Dee's life have had to deal with a sudden change in her personality. Apparently Susan was nice enough that they all got used to her being nice and mellow, and here I come in all mad at the world and taking it out on them.

For the first few days down here, I was a real bitch to everyone, and I couldnt help it. I had massive headaches and moodswings all the time and I had no idea why until one day I was in the basement and on one of the shelves I saw two cartons of Virginia Slims. Dee was a smoker. Which meant now I was a smoker and was having serious nicotine withdrawls. This was both annoying and enlightening.

Originally, I thought the way the Inn worked was it remolded your body to look like another person, but your brain stayed the same. Now I think it must also reshape your brain also to some extent, because the receptors that respond to nicotine changed for me. It also makes some sense, because theirs now way my brain as Greg wouldve fit into Priya's little skull, and id Imagine it changed size as well last month. Maybe your memories stay intact but everything else changes. Its probably why sexual orientation changes to match the body.

Anyway, apparently Susan was also a smoker and didnt feel the need to quit. But this was before my epiphany last week and my decision to become a traveler. As far as I was concerned, I was gonna be Dee forever, and Id already lost 20 years of my life to the Trading Post Inn and I wasnt about to lose anymore to lung cancer.

For those of you that have never done it, quitting smoking is a hellish endeavor. I tried the patch, I tried the gum, I tried cold turkey, and none of those made it any easier. Finally yesterday at work I gave in and lit one up. It felt amazing. Like my greatest desire had been fulfilled. I relaxed so much right then there that I made an effort to be extra nice to my co-workers, and they seemed to appreciate it. Its the best I've felt since I'd become Didi.

So now I have a habit. Im not sure if I wanna quit it or not, because on the on hand, it causes all sorts of horrible health problems, but on the other hand Im not gonna be around when they kick in, so why not let the next person deal with them?

Not gonna lie, the cigarettes have a huge calming effect on me. Very effective at relieving all the stresses. That doesnt mean that I advocate all our readers to go out and buy a pack. Presumably youll all have to deal with your bodies for the long run.


PS: To the Real Dee: If your reading this, you should know that all of your co-workers, friends, and neighbors like me and liked Susan a helluva lot better than they like you. Hopefully soon Heather realizes what a bitch she married and kicks you to the curb.


Scott said...

I never thought about it, but come to think about it... knowing your brain is being reshaped and possibly remodeled without your knowledge is one of the most startling parts of all this!

Anonymous said...

Nicotine: if you need it, you need it. But...

Ditch the Slims and either roll your own, using European tobaccos and nonporous papers, or find a readymade brand that'll give you the same benefits.

American tobaccos include a lot of chemistry to make it burn steady, to make it hold moisture longer, to retard rancidity. All of that can't go into your lungs if it's not there. Much of that is forbidden by law in European roll-your-own blends.
Porous papers not only burn off much of what should be volatilized, so you get less tobacco and more monoxide (and smoke more to get where you need to go), but they make the cig burn freely. If you drop a nonporous-rolled cig, it goes out; porous, it keeps burning, and might burn the house down. Park yours in an ashtray sometime and see if it keeps burning down to the filter; imagine that sitting on a rug.

btw Watch your nutrition. Smoking is a system stress. At least start taking daily vitamin C, maybe with iron. A comprehensive multi is an even better idea. You might feel less need for a smoke when you're feeling healthier.

Anonymous said...

If you have to be a woman, are you at least happy with the body you inherited?

Anonymous said...

I doubt he's happy with the body. Gender dysphoria is usually pretty depressing for naturally transgendered people.