Home, in this case, being both Toronto and this blog.
Some stuff has happened since I last checked in, although not all of it is really all that noteworthy. Somebody Else is, if not totally dead, then at least on hiatus. Truth is, we were really stretching it by running as long as we did after Bry and Shel's breakup, but the touring band experience was too good an opportunity for any of us to pass up, with or without the opportunity to meet up with some of our Inn people. And Bry and I genuinely do enjoy playing together, but the time on the road was tense enough that I'll be happy to just put the dream away for a while.
Shelby, obviously, is not into it, and without a drummer we're just two guys with guitars, not a band. She was fitting in well, but the relationship drama was impossible to navigate. She and I both went back to work at the store, and she's picking back up at school this semester. Now, they ended their relationship on good enough terms that finishing (and repeatedly extending) the tour wasn't a problem, but they were not keen on seeing each other after we got back. So on the one hand I live with Bryan and he's my best friend. On the other, I work with Shelby and she's been a good friend since before they dated.
Alia and I ended up going to a party at a house near the University campus where some of Shelby's friends live. We weren't going to go along, since Bry wasn't able to go, but he got sick and we all figured, no sense in hanging around the house if we don't need to. The night ended up being lame, we weren't in the mood to put up with college kid shenanigans. We're starting to get a bit old, I guess. Shelby was hanging out with her friend Reggie, who was giving us the hairy eyeball for some reason, I guess he knew we were friends with Shelby's ex. We ended up leaving at 11:30 after Shelby and Reggie turned the night into a long drunken make-out session. Alia and I spent midnight on the subway, crawling into bed together at 1.
She nuzzled into my arms, and I muttered, "Hey... you should move in."
She looked me in the eye to determine whether I was just drunkenly rambling, or if I meant it. I did, of course. This is the most serious we've ever been. Neither of us know if we believe in marriage, but it feels right to start a new direction. We've been talking about it ever since.
Shelby, meanwhile, was completely embarrassed by the makeout session we witnessed. She doesn't know if it's too soon after Bryan, if she's just vulnerable, what he feels, etc, etc. Kids stuff. The kind of stuff that just amuses me to hear now.
-Todd
Showing posts with label Shelby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shelby. Show all posts
Friday, January 06, 2012
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Alia: Here we stand
I think, based on what they've been through, Todd and Bryan will always be pals. Like brothers. They went through the whole Inn thing together. They have disagreements and misunderstandings but there will always be that bond between them. I think that's why their drive, their communication as a band is so much better now than it was in the past.
I saw Bryan pulling away from Shelby early on the tour. I don't know what happened, whether it goes back to the whole double-life thing, or if it's just the way people decide to break up. I probably don't need to. But of late, Todd and I have been responsible for keeping the two of them separate.
This was a bit of a problem because ever since I met her, Shelby has been suspicious of me. I guess it makes sense. She sees "me" as Bryan's ex, currently with Todd, whereas in reality I never have dated Bryan (and never would, sorry B) and have always been faithful to Todd, at least since getting my body back. But there's no way to explain this, so I'm Yoko. Except Yoko didn't fuck all the Beatles. So I don't know who that makes me.
It's awkward as hell being around them. They don't talk, they don't seem comfortable. So when it happened, I was the only girl around and she needed to vent. We went out for drinks, she opened up and I shared some too. She said that the fact that I could still be friends with him made her think she could keep going with the band, and I hope she does because she's a good fit. She's a good fit in every way but one, and that's the one thing that makes her different for all of us. It's why we all feel like we're putting on a front when we're around her, it's why Todd had to keep her entertained the day we hung out with Tori, and it's why she was with me after the show when we played Burlington.
I met Greg in passing. He even managed to get Malinda out to the show, and they both seemed to enjoy the bands. But I couldn't stay for the real meet-and-greet, I had to whist Shelby off to the hotel, where our nightly girl talk commenced. Shelby, trying in vain to speculate what had come between her and Bryan, and me trying to keep it all a secret (not that she'd believe me.)
The next morning when I met up with the guys, Todd gave me the lowdown. They hung around, sharing war stories and guy talk. Malinda was a bit quiet at first but loosened up after a few drinks. By Todd's account, Greg was a nice person, but it was the same way he thought of Darren/Jamie, when they met years ago: If they were both guys and never been to the Inn, they probably wouldn't have been buddies. Bryan had little to add to the situation.
Between Philly and Vermont was New York City. I love that place, four days was barely enough time spent there. The guys played a few sparsely-attended shows and spent a couple of days chasing down leads based on vague information from the real Ellie's letter. I can tell Bryan is really unnerved by that situation. I don't blame him, it bothers me too. How could anyone knowingly go to the Inn, and bring people along with them? Were they tricked? Coerced? Forced? It troubles me how little Ellie said about her current location. Either she wants to disappear, or someone wants to make her disappear. Troubling.
We pursued a few leads in our spare time, but to little effect. Luckily, we'll get our chance again. Apparently the venue managers in Manhattan liked their sound and asked them to come back for Halloween, and since we don't have any gigs booked past this weekend we could probably stretch some dollars and spend enough time down there to really get to the bottom of this.
Right now, we're in Massachusetts, playing Boston this Friday, and then spending some time in Todd and Bryan's old stomping grounds... Connecticut. (Shudder.) At least I'll get to check in on Sam. I mean Max. I mean Ellie. Oy, that girl.
-Alia
I saw Bryan pulling away from Shelby early on the tour. I don't know what happened, whether it goes back to the whole double-life thing, or if it's just the way people decide to break up. I probably don't need to. But of late, Todd and I have been responsible for keeping the two of them separate.
This was a bit of a problem because ever since I met her, Shelby has been suspicious of me. I guess it makes sense. She sees "me" as Bryan's ex, currently with Todd, whereas in reality I never have dated Bryan (and never would, sorry B) and have always been faithful to Todd, at least since getting my body back. But there's no way to explain this, so I'm Yoko. Except Yoko didn't fuck all the Beatles. So I don't know who that makes me.
It's awkward as hell being around them. They don't talk, they don't seem comfortable. So when it happened, I was the only girl around and she needed to vent. We went out for drinks, she opened up and I shared some too. She said that the fact that I could still be friends with him made her think she could keep going with the band, and I hope she does because she's a good fit. She's a good fit in every way but one, and that's the one thing that makes her different for all of us. It's why we all feel like we're putting on a front when we're around her, it's why Todd had to keep her entertained the day we hung out with Tori, and it's why she was with me after the show when we played Burlington.
I met Greg in passing. He even managed to get Malinda out to the show, and they both seemed to enjoy the bands. But I couldn't stay for the real meet-and-greet, I had to whist Shelby off to the hotel, where our nightly girl talk commenced. Shelby, trying in vain to speculate what had come between her and Bryan, and me trying to keep it all a secret (not that she'd believe me.)
The next morning when I met up with the guys, Todd gave me the lowdown. They hung around, sharing war stories and guy talk. Malinda was a bit quiet at first but loosened up after a few drinks. By Todd's account, Greg was a nice person, but it was the same way he thought of Darren/Jamie, when they met years ago: If they were both guys and never been to the Inn, they probably wouldn't have been buddies. Bryan had little to add to the situation.
Between Philly and Vermont was New York City. I love that place, four days was barely enough time spent there. The guys played a few sparsely-attended shows and spent a couple of days chasing down leads based on vague information from the real Ellie's letter. I can tell Bryan is really unnerved by that situation. I don't blame him, it bothers me too. How could anyone knowingly go to the Inn, and bring people along with them? Were they tricked? Coerced? Forced? It troubles me how little Ellie said about her current location. Either she wants to disappear, or someone wants to make her disappear. Troubling.
We pursued a few leads in our spare time, but to little effect. Luckily, we'll get our chance again. Apparently the venue managers in Manhattan liked their sound and asked them to come back for Halloween, and since we don't have any gigs booked past this weekend we could probably stretch some dollars and spend enough time down there to really get to the bottom of this.
Right now, we're in Massachusetts, playing Boston this Friday, and then spending some time in Todd and Bryan's old stomping grounds... Connecticut. (Shudder.) At least I'll get to check in on Sam. I mean Max. I mean Ellie. Oy, that girl.
-Alia
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Todd: There's no road that ain't a hard road to travel alone...
Rock and roll is tough.
It turns out it's not very easy to book a rock and roll tour. Especially when you're the support and the headlining band gets sick and has to postpone when you're already out on the road. We spent a lot of August just waiting around in Toronto for stuff to happen.
Then, well, stuff happened.
We finished our Ohio swing in Mid-September. Now, Bryan's been my friend for years and years, but there's a difference between friend-Bryan and band-Bryan. When we're just jamming, gigging around our local haunts, there isn't really. Bry's a fun guy, doesn't worry to much when things go wrong, enjoys the fun things about being in a band, no worries. Tour Bryan? That's tough shit. I'm used to it, I've seen that side of him before. It's funny: He was so laid back and relaxed about becoming a teenage girl back in the day (we'll get to that in a bit) but stick him in a van and put him on the road fora month? Shit gets crazy.
Sometime after Ohio -- Cleveland in particular -- he and Shelby broke up. I was always a bit leery about having his girlfriend in the band, but at the time I thought they could handle it. They couldn't. Objectively, I think they're both to blame, with Shelby not being able to separate bandmate-Bryan from boyfriend-Bryan, and Bryan not recognizing how to keep things from getting to heavy.
I suspect, however, something happened in Cleveland, which was right before the big fallout. Cleveland is roughly in the neighbourhood of Bry's former girlfriend, Crystal, but if that had anything to do with it, he didn't tell me. It's too much of a coincidence to ignore, but there would be plenty fuel to that break-up without thinking about Crystal. But I can't shake the feeling there's more to this than meets the eye.
Then at some point we got the word from Max -- who had some contact with Alia (who is along for this Magical Misery Tour as our road manager, bless her.) -- about her new body. The very same body Bryan occupied only a couple of years ago. Again, we come back to not ignoring coincidences. I mean, it's strange, isn't it? If it was Fletcher's doing, how did he get Ellie to Maine? If not, what does that mean? I'm not detective, I wasn't even that much of a journalist, but I intend to do a little poking around while I'm down here.
This coming weekend, we'll be finishing up in Pennsylvania and NJ, stopping in on Tori and seeing how she's doing, and then all next week we'll be doing some gigs in New York City. We'll be spending a lot of time down there and as luck has it, the only contact info we could find for Ellie puts her new body there.
After that, it's New England: Connecticut, Vermont and Massachusetts before we circle back over the border and head for home. That should take us through October. It's kind of exciting to live this double life as a rock star and sort of a wannabe private eye.
So that's what I've been up to.
-Todd
It turns out it's not very easy to book a rock and roll tour. Especially when you're the support and the headlining band gets sick and has to postpone when you're already out on the road. We spent a lot of August just waiting around in Toronto for stuff to happen.
Then, well, stuff happened.
We finished our Ohio swing in Mid-September. Now, Bryan's been my friend for years and years, but there's a difference between friend-Bryan and band-Bryan. When we're just jamming, gigging around our local haunts, there isn't really. Bry's a fun guy, doesn't worry to much when things go wrong, enjoys the fun things about being in a band, no worries. Tour Bryan? That's tough shit. I'm used to it, I've seen that side of him before. It's funny: He was so laid back and relaxed about becoming a teenage girl back in the day (we'll get to that in a bit) but stick him in a van and put him on the road fora month? Shit gets crazy.
Sometime after Ohio -- Cleveland in particular -- he and Shelby broke up. I was always a bit leery about having his girlfriend in the band, but at the time I thought they could handle it. They couldn't. Objectively, I think they're both to blame, with Shelby not being able to separate bandmate-Bryan from boyfriend-Bryan, and Bryan not recognizing how to keep things from getting to heavy.
I suspect, however, something happened in Cleveland, which was right before the big fallout. Cleveland is roughly in the neighbourhood of Bry's former girlfriend, Crystal, but if that had anything to do with it, he didn't tell me. It's too much of a coincidence to ignore, but there would be plenty fuel to that break-up without thinking about Crystal. But I can't shake the feeling there's more to this than meets the eye.
Then at some point we got the word from Max -- who had some contact with Alia (who is along for this Magical Misery Tour as our road manager, bless her.) -- about her new body. The very same body Bryan occupied only a couple of years ago. Again, we come back to not ignoring coincidences. I mean, it's strange, isn't it? If it was Fletcher's doing, how did he get Ellie to Maine? If not, what does that mean? I'm not detective, I wasn't even that much of a journalist, but I intend to do a little poking around while I'm down here.
This coming weekend, we'll be finishing up in Pennsylvania and NJ, stopping in on Tori and seeing how she's doing, and then all next week we'll be doing some gigs in New York City. We'll be spending a lot of time down there and as luck has it, the only contact info we could find for Ellie puts her new body there.
After that, it's New England: Connecticut, Vermont and Massachusetts before we circle back over the border and head for home. That should take us through October. It's kind of exciting to live this double life as a rock star and sort of a wannabe private eye.
So that's what I've been up to.
-Todd
Friday, February 25, 2011
Bryan: Whatever happened to the teenage dream?
OK, guys, I would like to start by saying the title of this post is NOT a reference to the Katy Perry song, but to the T. Rex classic.
I haven't checked in lately. Mainly, there's nothing to report: I take pictures for a living, I sometimes get to play guitar with Todd, and I've been dating Shelby. So if you're really interested in the details of the coffee date we had last Wednesday, I'd provide them, but I'm guessing that's a bit too far off the usual subject matter of this blog.
For me, even though Connecticut is way in the past, and I sort of assume I'll never see Crystal again, I still sometimes think about it. I mean, no matter what, my time as Ellie is part of me, and I think it kinda helped me grow up, to feel like a bratty teenager. It's also kinda tempting, if and when things get bad, to think there's a place where I could go and get someone else's life for a while, if I wanted. Thinking about that mostly keeps happy where I am, since I'm well aware of the "grass is always greener" nature of the inn. I mean, for shit's sake, I was hospitalized with a panic attack because a girl broke up with me.
I think about Leanne sometimes though. Not just in a "wonder what she's up to" kinda way, but I think about my time with her. For better or worse, I've never had a relationship like I had with her. So much of my tension and frustration about being stuck in a teenage girl's body was applicable to the situation of two girls sneaking around, so she seemed to understand me better than most. Even Crystal -- we could talk about Inn stuff, but there was a whole other level separating our experiences. I never had to explain myself to Leanne.
The other night I dreamed about her. It sucks how you can't control what you dream about, so stuff you long thought you were done with bubble back to the surface of your mind. I remember her hand on my chest, her fingers teasing me, her lips touching mine, her body close to me... and for a second I forgot I was lying in bed with a really great girl.
I spent the rest of the night unable to sleep. I just laid perfectly still with my eyes clamped shut trying to get back to sleep so I could dream about anything else. I started fixating on this idea that Shelby and I could go to the Inn and no matter what happened, we'd have that in common. But I wouldn't drag anyone into this life, it would be a fucking awful thing to do.
At about 6 AM I decided I wasn't going to get back to sleep, so I did a few things: first, I scrawled down some lyrics, the second, I wrote an e-mail.
The lyrics were a rough attempt at getting my feelings on the matter out. They're not very good, but I can't just chuck them out. It's therapeutic. The main problem is, it's pretty explicitly about longing for an ex, or at least, the memory of an ex (I called it "The Memory Of You") which would be pretty awkward to play while my current girlfriend is drumming in my band. I'm still not even sure how I'm supposed to be feeling... the song is about that complication.
The e-mail was a lot easier in helping me relax. It was to Ellie, of all people. I have hardly talked to her since we got changed back, although Todd has had some contact with Anne Marie. I have no idea what she's up to, what her life's like, who her friends are now, if she dates. It seems a bit odd that I was this girl for nearly a year, and yet I thought I could just put her life back and walk away.
So I fired that e-mail off to what I think is still her address, and have yet to hear back. Maybe something will come from drudging up the past, or maybe I'm just making more trouble for myself.
I haven't checked in lately. Mainly, there's nothing to report: I take pictures for a living, I sometimes get to play guitar with Todd, and I've been dating Shelby. So if you're really interested in the details of the coffee date we had last Wednesday, I'd provide them, but I'm guessing that's a bit too far off the usual subject matter of this blog.
For me, even though Connecticut is way in the past, and I sort of assume I'll never see Crystal again, I still sometimes think about it. I mean, no matter what, my time as Ellie is part of me, and I think it kinda helped me grow up, to feel like a bratty teenager. It's also kinda tempting, if and when things get bad, to think there's a place where I could go and get someone else's life for a while, if I wanted. Thinking about that mostly keeps happy where I am, since I'm well aware of the "grass is always greener" nature of the inn. I mean, for shit's sake, I was hospitalized with a panic attack because a girl broke up with me.
I think about Leanne sometimes though. Not just in a "wonder what she's up to" kinda way, but I think about my time with her. For better or worse, I've never had a relationship like I had with her. So much of my tension and frustration about being stuck in a teenage girl's body was applicable to the situation of two girls sneaking around, so she seemed to understand me better than most. Even Crystal -- we could talk about Inn stuff, but there was a whole other level separating our experiences. I never had to explain myself to Leanne.
The other night I dreamed about her. It sucks how you can't control what you dream about, so stuff you long thought you were done with bubble back to the surface of your mind. I remember her hand on my chest, her fingers teasing me, her lips touching mine, her body close to me... and for a second I forgot I was lying in bed with a really great girl.
I spent the rest of the night unable to sleep. I just laid perfectly still with my eyes clamped shut trying to get back to sleep so I could dream about anything else. I started fixating on this idea that Shelby and I could go to the Inn and no matter what happened, we'd have that in common. But I wouldn't drag anyone into this life, it would be a fucking awful thing to do.
At about 6 AM I decided I wasn't going to get back to sleep, so I did a few things: first, I scrawled down some lyrics, the second, I wrote an e-mail.
The lyrics were a rough attempt at getting my feelings on the matter out. They're not very good, but I can't just chuck them out. It's therapeutic. The main problem is, it's pretty explicitly about longing for an ex, or at least, the memory of an ex (I called it "The Memory Of You") which would be pretty awkward to play while my current girlfriend is drumming in my band. I'm still not even sure how I'm supposed to be feeling... the song is about that complication.
The e-mail was a lot easier in helping me relax. It was to Ellie, of all people. I have hardly talked to her since we got changed back, although Todd has had some contact with Anne Marie. I have no idea what she's up to, what her life's like, who her friends are now, if she dates. It seems a bit odd that I was this girl for nearly a year, and yet I thought I could just put her life back and walk away.
So I fired that e-mail off to what I think is still her address, and have yet to hear back. Maybe something will come from drudging up the past, or maybe I'm just making more trouble for myself.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Todd: New Years Gig
An old friend of ours who works in the kitchen of a dive club downtown heard that Bry and I had put together a new band and managed to get us a gig on New Years. The place was cramped and sketchy as anything, pretty much a basement, but a gig is a gig, free drinks are free drinks, and it's just generally nice to have something to do on New Years.
Shelby had been nervous playing in front of people for our first gig, but we've been working with her. She even attempted to bring one of her friends from school, a girl in her lit studies class, to the gig. This girl, apparently named Jewel, supposedly did show up but none of us ever saw her. For our part there were a lot of familiar faces around, who were happy to see us back in a band.
We played as part of a showcase, starting at around 10, with a minimal cut of the door and a small number of free drinks. We played about 45 minutes worth of the usual covers and three originals (Bry's been working on "Change You," a Nirvana-esque ode to the Inn that doubles as a metaphor for relationships... it's as good as anything he's ever written.) At Alia's urging, I did a bit more singing than I usually do including a deliberately bad singalong version of Oasis' "Wonderwall." Well, no matter what anyone else in the room says, I will say it was deliberate. But anyway, "Change You" and "Song for Crystal" two of our originals got a huge response, so that was encouraging.
After our set, we hung around a while, drinking and enjoying bands that were either:
a) Better than us
b) Better-rehearsed than us
c) Better friends with the management than us.
It was actually a really nice night, and we had a lot of fun. And then at midnight, I was kissing Alia, and out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Bryan and Shelby going at it. This was not an innocent "Hey we're friend's and it's New Years so why not" kiss. This was drunken sloppy "I've wanted this for a while and now is a good enough time" make out. It was pretty ostentatious.
Now, far be it from me to tell Bryan how to live his life, but I had to register my disapproval on a few grounds. First, Shelby just got out of a relationship with her last boyfriend, so it makes me uncomfortable to think Bry had something to do with that, or if he's just a rebound. Neither option is good, although if it's the latter it will just seem like the natural course of events. The former option bothers me because it doesn't reflect well on Bryan. Or Shelby.
Another reason is of course, band romances are a bad idea. It was one thing for a group like Fleetwood Mac to all be screwing each other, they were a huge band. We're just three people that play instruments, and if we're not careful, our rehearsals might quickly become a lame excuse for Bry and Shelby to mess around, and then the band just falls apart. And if they break up, there goes our little group.
So yeah, I take it a little personally. I didn't make much of it at the time, I thought fair enough if they just want to mess around, they should know what they're getting into. Then a few days later we were jamming and I asked if they wanted to get dinner, and they said they already had plans. Ay yi yi.
Bry and I had a conversation where I basically summarized the above points (otherwise I wouldn't have posted them somewhere he could find them) and he answered yeah, good points, but he's gonna just do what he feels is right.
Oy.
Well, that's on him. Plenty of drummers out there. Plenty of girls, too.
-Todd
Shelby had been nervous playing in front of people for our first gig, but we've been working with her. She even attempted to bring one of her friends from school, a girl in her lit studies class, to the gig. This girl, apparently named Jewel, supposedly did show up but none of us ever saw her. For our part there were a lot of familiar faces around, who were happy to see us back in a band.
We played as part of a showcase, starting at around 10, with a minimal cut of the door and a small number of free drinks. We played about 45 minutes worth of the usual covers and three originals (Bry's been working on "Change You," a Nirvana-esque ode to the Inn that doubles as a metaphor for relationships... it's as good as anything he's ever written.) At Alia's urging, I did a bit more singing than I usually do including a deliberately bad singalong version of Oasis' "Wonderwall." Well, no matter what anyone else in the room says, I will say it was deliberate. But anyway, "Change You" and "Song for Crystal" two of our originals got a huge response, so that was encouraging.
After our set, we hung around a while, drinking and enjoying bands that were either:
a) Better than us
b) Better-rehearsed than us
c) Better friends with the management than us.
It was actually a really nice night, and we had a lot of fun. And then at midnight, I was kissing Alia, and out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Bryan and Shelby going at it. This was not an innocent "Hey we're friend's and it's New Years so why not" kiss. This was drunken sloppy "I've wanted this for a while and now is a good enough time" make out. It was pretty ostentatious.
Now, far be it from me to tell Bryan how to live his life, but I had to register my disapproval on a few grounds. First, Shelby just got out of a relationship with her last boyfriend, so it makes me uncomfortable to think Bry had something to do with that, or if he's just a rebound. Neither option is good, although if it's the latter it will just seem like the natural course of events. The former option bothers me because it doesn't reflect well on Bryan. Or Shelby.
Another reason is of course, band romances are a bad idea. It was one thing for a group like Fleetwood Mac to all be screwing each other, they were a huge band. We're just three people that play instruments, and if we're not careful, our rehearsals might quickly become a lame excuse for Bry and Shelby to mess around, and then the band just falls apart. And if they break up, there goes our little group.
So yeah, I take it a little personally. I didn't make much of it at the time, I thought fair enough if they just want to mess around, they should know what they're getting into. Then a few days later we were jamming and I asked if they wanted to get dinner, and they said they already had plans. Ay yi yi.
Bry and I had a conversation where I basically summarized the above points (otherwise I wouldn't have posted them somewhere he could find them) and he answered yeah, good points, but he's gonna just do what he feels is right.
Oy.
Well, that's on him. Plenty of drummers out there. Plenty of girls, too.
-Todd
Monday, December 06, 2010
Alia: Wish You Were Here
This is going to be a quick one, as there's not a ton going up here in Toronto. Todd and I have been going through a hellish November for school, while he juggles his part-time work at the record store, and Brian has been working and hectoring Todd into this whole band thing.
Believe me, it has not been the easiest thing in the world for me and Todd to feel like a couple again. We barely manage to spend time together, and I feel so removed from the days when I was happy being someone's girlfriend. My time as Rob was refreshing... it'd been a long time since I'd dated Todd but for the first time I wasn't moping around heartbroken and single. Happy being single. Happy with myself. As a guy in Philadelphia. Never thought I'd say that.
Maybe I'm over-romanticizing it, because it definitely wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, but that level of freedom and independence, I'd never had. I started being with Todd right when I left home, and he was my first love so I spent a lot of time -- probably too much to accurately call myself a feminist -- being sad it was over. Follow that with guilty rebound sex and isolation, and Rob Garcia: Philadelphian High School English teacher sounds like a decent trade.
So the whole dynamic has been different between me and Todd and for a long while I was wondering whether it was even meant to be anymore. I saw the way he was with Shelby, even though she's got a boyfriend, and wondered if he'd be happier with her. Or if I should find Crystal and give her my body back and just leave this place forever (I know a lot of you would love that!) But here's what happened: that stupid ass band.
It doesn't even have a name, they've just been calling it "The Todd and Bryan Epic Band." Funny in a kind of "we're so lame it's cool" way.
Then they coaxed Shelby into playing drums and it became... a thing. And that pissed me off. Whereas it was just them, whenever they got together, with their guitars, it was suddenly a requirement that they spend X number of hours each week at Shelby's place working on their material, because after all she's got the drums and it wouldn't do to transport them anywhere, let alone to their little apartment.
I spent a lot of November ready to say "screw it" to the whole relationship, these friendships I've had for so many years, when The Todd and Bryan Epic Band Featuring Shelby booked a gig in Mississauga (for the curious, that's a town that borders Toronto to the East and is largely suburban with a slight cultural center.) Irritated that it should be so convenient to go all the way down there, I debated even bothering. I hadn't spoken to Todd about my doubts about us but I think he was picking up on them. I went anyway, to show my support.
They went through a number of familiar covers. They're really impressive musicians, Bryan even did a Marty McFly version of Johnny B. Goode, complete with windmills and Jimi Hendrix affecations (although the imitation definitely isn't perfect.) The originals were uneven... the ballad Bryan had written (for Crystal, I think) seemed a bit cheesy, and the uptempo number was a bit clunky. I'm just being honest here.
THen for their finale, Todd stepped up to the microphone. He doesn't sing often, although he's better at it than he gives himself credit for. He looked out into the audience. I was sitting far enough back that he probably couldn't see me, but he dedicated it by saying "This last one goes out to the pretty girl in the back, with her hair in a ponytail." Me (he's often called me "the girl in the back" because of how shy I was when we met.)
Todd exchanged his bass for an acoustic guitar and began to strum. It was Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here," a song he'd played for me on one of our first dates and had a special resonance now that we had been apart. Instead of fading out like the recording, it climaxed in a louder, louder, I'll say it -- epic riff to climax the show. The following act actually made a snarky remark that they couldn't follow that and were going home (they actually played a respectable set.)
And me... well I'm not made of ice. In that 5 minutes I felt the feeling welling up in me that I haven't had in a long while. That passion, that desire... Goddamnit if I'm not a sucker for a boy with a guitar. More than anything, it made me feel for the first time in years that I was being thought of, that I was wanted, that I was important to somebody.
Our relationship isn't fixed overnight, but that one song went a long way toward that goal, based on what happened between us later that night.
Ta
-Alia
Believe me, it has not been the easiest thing in the world for me and Todd to feel like a couple again. We barely manage to spend time together, and I feel so removed from the days when I was happy being someone's girlfriend. My time as Rob was refreshing... it'd been a long time since I'd dated Todd but for the first time I wasn't moping around heartbroken and single. Happy being single. Happy with myself. As a guy in Philadelphia. Never thought I'd say that.
Maybe I'm over-romanticizing it, because it definitely wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, but that level of freedom and independence, I'd never had. I started being with Todd right when I left home, and he was my first love so I spent a lot of time -- probably too much to accurately call myself a feminist -- being sad it was over. Follow that with guilty rebound sex and isolation, and Rob Garcia: Philadelphian High School English teacher sounds like a decent trade.
So the whole dynamic has been different between me and Todd and for a long while I was wondering whether it was even meant to be anymore. I saw the way he was with Shelby, even though she's got a boyfriend, and wondered if he'd be happier with her. Or if I should find Crystal and give her my body back and just leave this place forever (I know a lot of you would love that!) But here's what happened: that stupid ass band.
It doesn't even have a name, they've just been calling it "The Todd and Bryan Epic Band." Funny in a kind of "we're so lame it's cool" way.
Then they coaxed Shelby into playing drums and it became... a thing. And that pissed me off. Whereas it was just them, whenever they got together, with their guitars, it was suddenly a requirement that they spend X number of hours each week at Shelby's place working on their material, because after all she's got the drums and it wouldn't do to transport them anywhere, let alone to their little apartment.
I spent a lot of November ready to say "screw it" to the whole relationship, these friendships I've had for so many years, when The Todd and Bryan Epic Band Featuring Shelby booked a gig in Mississauga (for the curious, that's a town that borders Toronto to the East and is largely suburban with a slight cultural center.) Irritated that it should be so convenient to go all the way down there, I debated even bothering. I hadn't spoken to Todd about my doubts about us but I think he was picking up on them. I went anyway, to show my support.
They went through a number of familiar covers. They're really impressive musicians, Bryan even did a Marty McFly version of Johnny B. Goode, complete with windmills and Jimi Hendrix affecations (although the imitation definitely isn't perfect.) The originals were uneven... the ballad Bryan had written (for Crystal, I think) seemed a bit cheesy, and the uptempo number was a bit clunky. I'm just being honest here.
THen for their finale, Todd stepped up to the microphone. He doesn't sing often, although he's better at it than he gives himself credit for. He looked out into the audience. I was sitting far enough back that he probably couldn't see me, but he dedicated it by saying "This last one goes out to the pretty girl in the back, with her hair in a ponytail." Me (he's often called me "the girl in the back" because of how shy I was when we met.)
Todd exchanged his bass for an acoustic guitar and began to strum. It was Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here," a song he'd played for me on one of our first dates and had a special resonance now that we had been apart. Instead of fading out like the recording, it climaxed in a louder, louder, I'll say it -- epic riff to climax the show. The following act actually made a snarky remark that they couldn't follow that and were going home (they actually played a respectable set.)
And me... well I'm not made of ice. In that 5 minutes I felt the feeling welling up in me that I haven't had in a long while. That passion, that desire... Goddamnit if I'm not a sucker for a boy with a guitar. More than anything, it made me feel for the first time in years that I was being thought of, that I was wanted, that I was important to somebody.
Our relationship isn't fixed overnight, but that one song went a long way toward that goal, based on what happened between us later that night.
Ta
-Alia
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Bryan: Good Times, Bad Times
I haven't posted here since way before Todd and I got our bodies back. I used it as sort of an outlet when I was stressed out being Ellie and when I got my own body back the last thing I felt like I needed was a shoulder to whine on. No disrespect to Todd, because everything that happened with Alia, and the Erica LaFleur situation, he had a lot on his mind. So despite living under the same roof, he and I kind of drifted apart for a year.
Maybe it was the Crystal situation. I don't know how you guys feel about the way he told it... reading his old posts, I feel like I mainly got a fair shake. It's not like I always wanted to nail Alia, and having Crystal in her body enabled me to do that. I had literally never thought about it until Crystal showed up and we just sorta connected.
I'll spare you the details of how it happened. It started out as me just keeping an eye on her, and eventually it occurred to us that we might make a nice couple, and realistically I was probably the only person she could date without everyone going insane (her, Todd, and probably real Alia.)
It was probably the healthiest relationship of my life. She cooked and cleaned and I tried not to seem like a kid she was taking care of, but like, a partner. She made me want to be better. We both had steady jobs. It was a real damn adult relationship. But as Todd said, we both knew the detail: it was temporary.
I couldn't bloody well convince her to stay in Alia's body. I told her I wouldn't mind meeting the real her, but she was adamant that that not happen. I kept asking her why, but she wouldn't clarify for me. I pushed the issue a bit more, and we fought a bit toward the end, but I always made amends because the last thing I wanted to do was lose Alia's body along with Crystal. When she left, we were still on good terms, but the relationship was over.
It's been hard, though, being around Alia, especially when she's with Todd. A couple times, I've accidentally called her "Crys," and then felt like an asshole, even though she assures me it's an innocent mistake. The weird thing is, partway through my relationship with Crystal, she insisted I call her "Alia," just so that I didn't slip in public. I didn't want to go along with it, but Todd and I had the same understanding when he was Aunt Anne Marie.
My one salvation is the band. We don't have a name yet, but Todd and I have been rehearsing a lot lately. We don't have a drummer, since most of our drummer friends have scattered, some already in bands, some giving up music or moving away. That doesn't stop he and I from jamming on Zeppelin ("Good Times, Bad Times,") Metric ("Gimme Sympathy,") Third Eye Blind ("Semi-Charmed Life") and Hollerado ("Americanarama,") as well as a few originals we've been workshopping.
So anyway, here's what's happened. With Todd and Alia getting back together, the social circle has sort of firmed a rift, and on one side is the happy couple, and on the other is me and Shelby, Todd's co-worker, who was hanging out with us a lot before and after Alia got back. Eventually, she and I just started hanging out on our own, since getting the four of us together would probably just be too awkward. In fact it was a little awkward just to get a cup of coffee with this random 19-year-old so soon after my break-up with Crystal, but she's actually quite cool. We were out by Queen's Park the other day, having some coffee, when I started talking about Crystal in veiled terms. I actually used her real name, to differentiate her from the situation she thinks I'm going through with Alia and Todd.
See... I have her number. Well, a number. I have some contact info for Crystal, acquired when we were first looking into her background and I found out she was from Cleveland Heights, not Shaker Heights. She doesn't know I have it. She'd probably be pretty pissed if I used it. But I keep it on a card by my desk and I look at it often, wondering if I should call. I told Shelby this. Her advice:
"The past is the past, man. You've got to move forward. If it isn't meant to be, don't worry. There are plenty more women out there." I gave her a look, and she hastily added, "Not me, though. I have a boyfriend." Oh.
But the last thing I found out is... she drums. Oh, chick drummers.
Seriously, though, I asked if I could hear her sometime, and if maybe she'd consider joining up with me and Todd. She said she'd think about it, since she's been meaning to get a regular thing going with someone. Why not us, eh? Maybe if we have a drummer, we'll get gigs, and things will start being awesome. I have yet to tell Todd about this development.
-Bryan
Maybe it was the Crystal situation. I don't know how you guys feel about the way he told it... reading his old posts, I feel like I mainly got a fair shake. It's not like I always wanted to nail Alia, and having Crystal in her body enabled me to do that. I had literally never thought about it until Crystal showed up and we just sorta connected.
I'll spare you the details of how it happened. It started out as me just keeping an eye on her, and eventually it occurred to us that we might make a nice couple, and realistically I was probably the only person she could date without everyone going insane (her, Todd, and probably real Alia.)
It was probably the healthiest relationship of my life. She cooked and cleaned and I tried not to seem like a kid she was taking care of, but like, a partner. She made me want to be better. We both had steady jobs. It was a real damn adult relationship. But as Todd said, we both knew the detail: it was temporary.
I couldn't bloody well convince her to stay in Alia's body. I told her I wouldn't mind meeting the real her, but she was adamant that that not happen. I kept asking her why, but she wouldn't clarify for me. I pushed the issue a bit more, and we fought a bit toward the end, but I always made amends because the last thing I wanted to do was lose Alia's body along with Crystal. When she left, we were still on good terms, but the relationship was over.
It's been hard, though, being around Alia, especially when she's with Todd. A couple times, I've accidentally called her "Crys," and then felt like an asshole, even though she assures me it's an innocent mistake. The weird thing is, partway through my relationship with Crystal, she insisted I call her "Alia," just so that I didn't slip in public. I didn't want to go along with it, but Todd and I had the same understanding when he was Aunt Anne Marie.
My one salvation is the band. We don't have a name yet, but Todd and I have been rehearsing a lot lately. We don't have a drummer, since most of our drummer friends have scattered, some already in bands, some giving up music or moving away. That doesn't stop he and I from jamming on Zeppelin ("Good Times, Bad Times,") Metric ("Gimme Sympathy,") Third Eye Blind ("Semi-Charmed Life") and Hollerado ("Americanarama,") as well as a few originals we've been workshopping.
So anyway, here's what's happened. With Todd and Alia getting back together, the social circle has sort of firmed a rift, and on one side is the happy couple, and on the other is me and Shelby, Todd's co-worker, who was hanging out with us a lot before and after Alia got back. Eventually, she and I just started hanging out on our own, since getting the four of us together would probably just be too awkward. In fact it was a little awkward just to get a cup of coffee with this random 19-year-old so soon after my break-up with Crystal, but she's actually quite cool. We were out by Queen's Park the other day, having some coffee, when I started talking about Crystal in veiled terms. I actually used her real name, to differentiate her from the situation she thinks I'm going through with Alia and Todd.
See... I have her number. Well, a number. I have some contact info for Crystal, acquired when we were first looking into her background and I found out she was from Cleveland Heights, not Shaker Heights. She doesn't know I have it. She'd probably be pretty pissed if I used it. But I keep it on a card by my desk and I look at it often, wondering if I should call. I told Shelby this. Her advice:
"The past is the past, man. You've got to move forward. If it isn't meant to be, don't worry. There are plenty more women out there." I gave her a look, and she hastily added, "Not me, though. I have a boyfriend." Oh.
But the last thing I found out is... she drums. Oh, chick drummers.
Seriously, though, I asked if I could hear her sometime, and if maybe she'd consider joining up with me and Todd. She said she'd think about it, since she's been meaning to get a regular thing going with someone. Why not us, eh? Maybe if we have a drummer, we'll get gigs, and things will start being awesome. I have yet to tell Todd about this development.
-Bryan
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Todd: Gone Daddy Gone
So, she's gone.
Crystal, that is. Bryan saw her off last weekend. He seemed to be in denial the whole time leading up to her departure, but after she left, he got very sullen and withdrew into his private world. He's been resisting all attempts at consolation.
I've never seen Bry as into a woman as he's been into Crystal. I would've thought them a very cute couple if it weren't for the fact that my blood got hot everytime I saw them together, knowing whose skin she was wearing. I feel like I can trust her, and yet you never know how these things turn out until they do, so I harnessed a bit of hostility, but I at least feel sympathy for Bryan in this sorry state. This isn't about Alia, certainly not for him anyway.
Me, I've been using my co-worker Shelby as my angst dumping grounds. Alia thinks I'm just paranoid, and I can't bring myself to raise my issues with Bryan because he can always one-up me with the whole "How do you think I feel" angle. I mean, at least I'm getting Alia back, and we can figure out our business from there.
Of course, when I explained it to Shelby, I had to morph some of the details somewhat to fit the, uh, narrative as she understands it. The way she understands it, it's a simple case of Alia and I breaking up and Bryan getting with her while I remain a lonely outsider in their relationship. So in this version of the story, Bryan is pretty clearly a villain, which is a shame because I really don't blame him for what happened. The only one to blame is those impossible-to-understand forces of fate that brought us to this point. For her part, she thinks the story makes me seem a bit more like a pushover than she believes me to be, and I can't fault her there. Why would I stay friends with a guy who pulled such a trick? But as you know, that's not the case.
So I just keep going in circles while Bry sulks and Alia is still off being a dude for the time being. As for Crystal?
Well as far as I know, she's getting her old body back. As we have seen this is not always the case, whether you intend it or not, and I don't think Bryan is heartless enough to have schemed to get her someone else's body. So we'll see. It's entirely possible she gets her own body back and resumes her fling with Bryan... whatever issues and baggage her real appearance carries probably isn't so tough next to the shit we've been dealing with for the last two years.
Anyway, that's what's up with me and the others. There's also one other thing: Shelby convinced me to go back to school. I was one year away from my degree when I dropped out, and I've been complaining a lot about being ground down by work and life, Shelby basically sat me down and said "Why don't you just take control of something in your life? It's not to late to change."
Something about my 19-year-old co-worker calling me out really hit home, so I registered for my last remaining classes and will attempt to get some motion in my life. Who knows, maybe someday we'll even put this craziness behind us.
-Todd
PS Before anyone asks, I don't know anything more about Greg than any other reader on this blog, and I'm just as curious as the rest of you.
Crystal, that is. Bryan saw her off last weekend. He seemed to be in denial the whole time leading up to her departure, but after she left, he got very sullen and withdrew into his private world. He's been resisting all attempts at consolation.
I've never seen Bry as into a woman as he's been into Crystal. I would've thought them a very cute couple if it weren't for the fact that my blood got hot everytime I saw them together, knowing whose skin she was wearing. I feel like I can trust her, and yet you never know how these things turn out until they do, so I harnessed a bit of hostility, but I at least feel sympathy for Bryan in this sorry state. This isn't about Alia, certainly not for him anyway.
Me, I've been using my co-worker Shelby as my angst dumping grounds. Alia thinks I'm just paranoid, and I can't bring myself to raise my issues with Bryan because he can always one-up me with the whole "How do you think I feel" angle. I mean, at least I'm getting Alia back, and we can figure out our business from there.
Of course, when I explained it to Shelby, I had to morph some of the details somewhat to fit the, uh, narrative as she understands it. The way she understands it, it's a simple case of Alia and I breaking up and Bryan getting with her while I remain a lonely outsider in their relationship. So in this version of the story, Bryan is pretty clearly a villain, which is a shame because I really don't blame him for what happened. The only one to blame is those impossible-to-understand forces of fate that brought us to this point. For her part, she thinks the story makes me seem a bit more like a pushover than she believes me to be, and I can't fault her there. Why would I stay friends with a guy who pulled such a trick? But as you know, that's not the case.
So I just keep going in circles while Bry sulks and Alia is still off being a dude for the time being. As for Crystal?
Well as far as I know, she's getting her old body back. As we have seen this is not always the case, whether you intend it or not, and I don't think Bryan is heartless enough to have schemed to get her someone else's body. So we'll see. It's entirely possible she gets her own body back and resumes her fling with Bryan... whatever issues and baggage her real appearance carries probably isn't so tough next to the shit we've been dealing with for the last two years.
Anyway, that's what's up with me and the others. There's also one other thing: Shelby convinced me to go back to school. I was one year away from my degree when I dropped out, and I've been complaining a lot about being ground down by work and life, Shelby basically sat me down and said "Why don't you just take control of something in your life? It's not to late to change."
Something about my 19-year-old co-worker calling me out really hit home, so I registered for my last remaining classes and will attempt to get some motion in my life. Who knows, maybe someday we'll even put this craziness behind us.
-Todd
PS Before anyone asks, I don't know anything more about Greg than any other reader on this blog, and I'm just as curious as the rest of you.
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Todd: In Good Company
I knew a guy who was in a pretty bad car crash years ago. He wasn't badly hurt -- it messed up his back but in time he healed up -- but for a long while afterward he wouldn't get in a car. Even when he did get over that little phobia, I could see his teeth and fingers clenching when as the speedometer would rise. It seems like even when you're done with something, sometimes it lingers on.
I'd be lying if I said my time at the Inn was all in the past. It's true that I don't mope about it anymore, don't get angry or frustrated with the way things happened with Alia or Sean and Erica. But "not moping" and "getting back to normal" aren't the same thing.
There's two ways this affects me. One is the obvious psychological doubts I have about myself. Every so often I wake up in the middle of the night wondering who exactly Todd Casey is supposed to be. My mind wanders while at work, thinking about people back in Connecticut.
I doubt myself, I wonder whether I'm ready to get back with Alia when she comes back, or if she'll want me, or if the last few years have driven some kind of wedge between us. These thoughts are fleeting, though, and usually there's enough going on that it gets pushed out of my mind. But there's something else that bugs me.
Call it a rut. It was a pre-existing condition that led me to the Inn. I've been so into my boring daily routine that whenever I've got some free time I just sit and vegetate and feel bad about myself. It isn't healthy. I'm not the "sit and wait" type, even though the wait is just a little longer.
That's where Shelby comes in. Shelby is a girl who's worked at the store with me since the holidays. At first I wasn't that close to her -- I haven't gotten that close to anybody lately -- but as the months went on, I found myself spending more and more time with her at work. Time goes by and I find myself acting more and more like myself when I'm around her.
We talk a lot, about movies and music, we have a lot of the same tastes. What really worried me was how attached to her I was getting. She's cute and funny and everything, but with everything between me and Alia I know I'm just off-limits.
So that kept me from getting too close to her. Until a couple weeks ago, when she had her 19th birthday party (oh, so young...) and pretty much demanded I appear. I did and by the end of the night, it was just me and her drinking on her couch. In another lifetime, there would've been nothing to stop me. Only a few years ago, an opportunity like that couldn't have come up without me making the most of it, and I was sure she'd go along with it. This includes a certain percentage of the time I was with Alia, back when I was a cheating bastard. But I'm not that anymore.
So we begin to drunkenly converse, and she asks me why, if I'm as great a guy as she thinks I am, am I single and lonely?
I make up a story on the spot -- a half-truth -- about how I have this "long-distance thing" going on, and I'm just waiting for the right time for her and I to be together, and all this semi-romantic BS. It was in that moment, being as honest as I can be with another person, that I finally put into words how much she means to me, and how much it would mean for her to come back to Toronto and for us to get on with our lives.
And I just keep going, and I spill out all my insecurities, my frustrations, my fears that it won't work out between the two of us and I'll be left with nothing. And she just listens and takes it all in, and when I'm done, she thinks about it for a while before saying, "Well, you know what? Even if it all crashes down on you, you can start building it up again, you know? That's what you've gotta do."
and that was that. Suddenly, I felt like I was really connecting to someone completely independent of the Inn and everything else, getting back to being a person. No sex, no drama, just... a good friend.
So anyway, I thought I'd share that. Maybe you'll understand why moments like those are important, or maybe I'm just rambling.
-Todd
I'd be lying if I said my time at the Inn was all in the past. It's true that I don't mope about it anymore, don't get angry or frustrated with the way things happened with Alia or Sean and Erica. But "not moping" and "getting back to normal" aren't the same thing.
There's two ways this affects me. One is the obvious psychological doubts I have about myself. Every so often I wake up in the middle of the night wondering who exactly Todd Casey is supposed to be. My mind wanders while at work, thinking about people back in Connecticut.
I doubt myself, I wonder whether I'm ready to get back with Alia when she comes back, or if she'll want me, or if the last few years have driven some kind of wedge between us. These thoughts are fleeting, though, and usually there's enough going on that it gets pushed out of my mind. But there's something else that bugs me.
Call it a rut. It was a pre-existing condition that led me to the Inn. I've been so into my boring daily routine that whenever I've got some free time I just sit and vegetate and feel bad about myself. It isn't healthy. I'm not the "sit and wait" type, even though the wait is just a little longer.
That's where Shelby comes in. Shelby is a girl who's worked at the store with me since the holidays. At first I wasn't that close to her -- I haven't gotten that close to anybody lately -- but as the months went on, I found myself spending more and more time with her at work. Time goes by and I find myself acting more and more like myself when I'm around her.
We talk a lot, about movies and music, we have a lot of the same tastes. What really worried me was how attached to her I was getting. She's cute and funny and everything, but with everything between me and Alia I know I'm just off-limits.
So that kept me from getting too close to her. Until a couple weeks ago, when she had her 19th birthday party (oh, so young...) and pretty much demanded I appear. I did and by the end of the night, it was just me and her drinking on her couch. In another lifetime, there would've been nothing to stop me. Only a few years ago, an opportunity like that couldn't have come up without me making the most of it, and I was sure she'd go along with it. This includes a certain percentage of the time I was with Alia, back when I was a cheating bastard. But I'm not that anymore.
So we begin to drunkenly converse, and she asks me why, if I'm as great a guy as she thinks I am, am I single and lonely?
I make up a story on the spot -- a half-truth -- about how I have this "long-distance thing" going on, and I'm just waiting for the right time for her and I to be together, and all this semi-romantic BS. It was in that moment, being as honest as I can be with another person, that I finally put into words how much she means to me, and how much it would mean for her to come back to Toronto and for us to get on with our lives.
And I just keep going, and I spill out all my insecurities, my frustrations, my fears that it won't work out between the two of us and I'll be left with nothing. And she just listens and takes it all in, and when I'm done, she thinks about it for a while before saying, "Well, you know what? Even if it all crashes down on you, you can start building it up again, you know? That's what you've gotta do."
and that was that. Suddenly, I felt like I was really connecting to someone completely independent of the Inn and everything else, getting back to being a person. No sex, no drama, just... a good friend.
So anyway, I thought I'd share that. Maybe you'll understand why moments like those are important, or maybe I'm just rambling.
-Todd
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)