Thursday, January 05, 2012

"Ellie": Living With Secrets

There are things about being Ellie that are easy, and there are parts of being her that aren't.

First off, high school just isn't fun. I never went in my old lives, I had to grow up quick and learn on my own. Being a 14-year-old girl in a more mature body meant that I had a moment when I realized I could either take control and educate myself, or coast on my looks and become a "dumb girl." As a result I missed out on a lot of learning that people are supposed to at least try to learn... I still can't do math worth a damn and don't know anything about science. But I was a real bookworm and loved things like history and geography.

So even though I feel like I'm past all this, and mentally way more mature than anyone in my class, I keep coming up against my limitations to the point where I've considered getting a tutor. I'm tired of being frustrated by my classes, because right now that's pretty much my entire life. That and getting home, watching TV, and ignoring everyone but the internet.

I'm kind of a loner. I didn't used to be, and when I was Sam I had a really tough time being on my own (to he point where it probably seriously damaged me) but somewhere along the way I realized I was probably meant to be more alone than not. I obviously don't fit in with others. I don't want to. I wish I was different, I wish I could just slip into it like Emily, but it's not going to happen.

Emily. I still really care about her. I hope she knows. I see her all the time at school but we hardly talk because she's made friends with people I don't really like, and I'm not going to pretend to be nice to them just so I can be with my girlfriend. Yeah, I said it, deep down, I'm still the person she dated and she's still the girl I liked. Those feelings won't go away, which is so strange. I remember how Tanya and Melanie used to be a couple before they became sisters, and it just tore them apart... they didn't "break up" because they were pretending to be sisters. They broke up because one of them completely lost interest in the idea of a relationship with a woman. The fact that I haven't scares me. I know Bryan, when he was Ellie, had the same sort of interests, but I just didn't expect it to come over me like this. It's not that I stare at all the girls, it's just when I see her, it's like I'm still a guy.

Life at home is... lame. Like I said, I don't do much, I don't even have to work. My "dad," formerly Tanya, has really grown into his role... I don't ask exactly how into it he is, but he keeps the role up even when we're alone. I call him "Dad" and he tries to parent me, which I... don't like. I mean, how can I take him seriously? This time last year he was a 20-year-old girl having constant emotional breakdowns. "Mom" seems to like him fine. She's none the wiser.

Which brings me to my last point, which is this Donna lady, and the true nature of my life as Ellie. Supposedly, last year, a guy named Ernie was living Ellie's life, meaning the real Ellie is still out there somewhere. And living as her "dad" was a woman named Donna, a lady from the neighborhood. I've met her a few times, when the parents have her family over, and I've read about her on the blog from Todd's times as Anne-Marie, but she's never said anything. She acts like nothing ever happened, so I don't know what any of it means.

I guess it doesn't make a difference, but I'm dying to know how this lady ended up taking the trip, if she's in her own body, what it all means. Sometimes I feel like my life is made up of secrets I can't tell and questions I can't ask.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Fascinating. So glad you're checking in.