"Ellie": Living With Secrets

There are things about being Ellie that are easy, and there are parts of being her that aren't.

First off, high school just isn't fun. I never went in my old lives, I had to grow up quick and learn on my own. Being a 14-year-old girl in a more mature body meant that I had a moment when I realized I could either take control and educate myself, or coast on my looks and become a "dumb girl." As a result I missed out on a lot of learning that people are supposed to at least try to learn... I still can't do math worth a damn and don't know anything about science. But I was a real bookworm and loved things like history and geography.

So even though I feel like I'm past all this, and mentally way more mature than anyone in my class, I keep coming up against my limitations to the point where I've considered getting a tutor. I'm tired of being frustrated by my classes, because right now that's pretty much my entire life. That and getting home, watching TV, and ignoring everyone but the internet.

I'm kind of a loner. I didn't used to be, and when I was Sam I had a really tough time being on my own (to he point where it probably seriously damaged me) but somewhere along the way I realized I was probably meant to be more alone than not. I obviously don't fit in with others. I don't want to. I wish I was different, I wish I could just slip into it like Emily, but it's not going to happen.

Emily. I still really care about her. I hope she knows. I see her all the time at school but we hardly talk because she's made friends with people I don't really like, and I'm not going to pretend to be nice to them just so I can be with my girlfriend. Yeah, I said it, deep down, I'm still the person she dated and she's still the girl I liked. Those feelings won't go away, which is so strange. I remember how Tanya and Melanie used to be a couple before they became sisters, and it just tore them apart... they didn't "break up" because they were pretending to be sisters. They broke up because one of them completely lost interest in the idea of a relationship with a woman. The fact that I haven't scares me. I know Bryan, when he was Ellie, had the same sort of interests, but I just didn't expect it to come over me like this. It's not that I stare at all the girls, it's just when I see her, it's like I'm still a guy.

Life at home is... lame. Like I said, I don't do much, I don't even have to work. My "dad," formerly Tanya, has really grown into his role... I don't ask exactly how into it he is, but he keeps the role up even when we're alone. I call him "Dad" and he tries to parent me, which I... don't like. I mean, how can I take him seriously? This time last year he was a 20-year-old girl having constant emotional breakdowns. "Mom" seems to like him fine. She's none the wiser.

Which brings me to my last point, which is this Donna lady, and the true nature of my life as Ellie. Supposedly, last year, a guy named Ernie was living Ellie's life, meaning the real Ellie is still out there somewhere. And living as her "dad" was a woman named Donna, a lady from the neighborhood. I've met her a few times, when the parents have her family over, and I've read about her on the blog from Todd's times as Anne-Marie, but she's never said anything. She acts like nothing ever happened, so I don't know what any of it means.

I guess it doesn't make a difference, but I'm dying to know how this lady ended up taking the trip, if she's in her own body, what it all means. Sometimes I feel like my life is made up of secrets I can't tell and questions I can't ask.

Todd: Connecticut and New York, more questions than answers.

Admittedly, the exhausting business of touring and trying to work in all these Northeastern stops while, you know, playing enough shows to pay for our way home, as well as keeping the Inn business a secret from Shelby (who is starting to question why we have so many friends around here and why she can't meet any of them) has ground me down a fair bit. It helps that I genuinely love the people I'm with... after all, before Bry and Shelby started dating, we were pals from work and she helped me keep it together until Alia got back to her own body.

Before we could be sure we'd be able to swing through Connecticut, we had to be sure we could get a gig in the area, so we reached out and managed to snag one in Hartford. The story of how that came about is pretty boring, and from Shelby's eyes probably not worth it, since the pay was shit, but I'd regret it if I didn't pay a visit to my former home/jail.

I had a love-hate relationship with the place. Sometimes I get nostalgic for it, sometimes I remember how oppressively dull it was living there, being a mom, putting up with Hal, who was at times genuinely caring and at times an incredibly frustrating person to live with. I've heard of people transforming and meeting people in their new lives that they come to love. That was patently not the case for me. I tolerated him, and maybe sorta understood why someone would marry this person. He was a good husband and father, which is something I've never really seen in my life.

I met with Anne-Marie at a mall not far from the old neighborhood. The second I saw her my heart stopped. Here was this woman whose face I mostly knew from a mirror, a woman whose every bodily sensation I once felt. Behind her eyes was the mind of someone I knew as "Julia DiFrancesco."

She smiled excitedly, as I sat sipping on Orange Julius. I tried to keep my poker face, and tried furiously not to call up every memory I had of showering in her body.

"Oh my God, Todd!" she wrapped a friendly arm around me for a hug, "I just can't believe you're here!" She marveled at how cool it was that I was doing something with myself like touring in a band. I told her it wasn't that exciting, but I have to admit, having lived her life, she doesn't have a lot going on. I asked her about the kids.

Hayley is dating now, and completely absorbed with her cell phone. Holy shit, I realized, she'd be 15, the age her cousin was when Bryan occupied her body. Anne-Marie is trying to keep an open mind about it, but doesn't really approve of some of the boys she's had come by. Connor is getting a bit into sports. I chuckled, I thought I had raised him better. Anne-Marie rolled her eyes and said it was good way for him to bond with Hal. And Hal?

"Same as always," she sighed, "It always disappointed me he never seemed to noticed when we switched. Also, I don't know what you were doing to him, but after I got back, he was just insatiable!" She shuddered.

"Hey, what can I say? I was never any good at refusing someone who wanted to have sex with me." That's pretty much why Alia and I used to have so many problems.

"It's just so weird. Look at you! You don't look like you would be so into it."

"Hey, I didn't look like me, then, I looked like you, and you're a pretty fine-looking woman." She blushed. "I considered it a favour. I didn't so much as touch him for the first few months before his vasectomy, and you told me you guys had a healthy relationship."

"Yeah, healthy, not superhuman!"

I tugged at my collar. Okay, so I was a bit loose in her body, at least I was faithful. I honestly believe I could have cheated on Hal if I wanted to, and I nearly did. For me, that's the real superhuman feat.

I indulged her in some shopping, not that my advice was any help when she was looking at clothes. When I was here, I mainly wore whatever I pulled out of her closet, and the resulting freedom of a monthly clothes budget enabled Hal to renovate the basement among other things.

But we weren't really there to pick out skirts or talk about our shared past sex life. Something was seriously nagging at me. "You're aware that your niece, Ellie, has gone back to the Inn, and is somewhere in New York, correct?"

She was aware. "I didn't want to believe she'd actually go, but I couldn't stop her. What kills me is that she brought her father and that other girl with her."

"Why couldn't you stop her?"

"There was precedent. She'd already gone two years in a row. She must have convinced her dad somehow. I didn't find out until too late."

Anne-Marie was being pretty sketchy on the details, but I can believe she wouldn't know. My next question: "Why would she want to go back?"

She laughed a bit. "Why wouldn't she? She didn't live a terrible life when she was Kalli. I looked after her, but she was a lot more free than a teenage girl should be. She worked, she dated... she grew up in that body, Todd. It happened very quickly." I guess it makes sense. You can't put something like that away and forget about it. Even my time as Anne-Marie keeps coming back to me in unsuspecting ways. Imagine being forced back into high school. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I still had a hard time wrestling with that.

We didn't stick around long after the show. Alia and I met with the new Ellie, whom Alia had met before. Bryan met her on his own time. The week of Halloween, we did a few nights in New York, finally getting enough time to investigate the one shred of a lead we had regarding Ellie's whereabouts. That brings us to a little apartment building in Brooklyn, the place of a guy named Ernie Tomasi.

Bry and I found our way into the building with a pizza delivery guy, and went up to Tomasi's place and knocked on the door.

"I can't believe we're doing this!" Bry said with almost perverse glee.

"Calm down," I said, "Although yes, it's completely awesome."

The door opened and a smallish, middle-aged gentlemen peered out and eyed us through the still-chained door.

"Can I help you?"

"Ahem, maybe. Does the name Elyssa McClay mean anything to you?"

He glared at us a bit longer, then closed the door to undo the chain. Reluctantly, he let us in. He had us sit on the couch while walking around the room. I noticed a slight limp.

"What brings you here? What do you know?" he asked.

"We're trying to figure things out," I admitted. "Someone we know wound up in your old body. She's taking good care of it."

"Well that's reassuring," he said quietly, gruffly.

"The three bodies are in good hands, at least until next summer."

"Uh huh," he said coldly.

I went on, "I mean, we're not here to force you to... to go back, but..."

I couldn't finish. Eventually he piped up, "Why would I go back?"

Bry jumped in, "Well look, I mean, I know it sucks, but you've got to be where you belong. This isn't right, Ell, and what you did to your father and Emily, that's not right either."

"What I did to..." he cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, who do you think you're talking to, here?"

Bryan and I looked at each other. "Ellie? Ellie McClay?"

He snorted. "Huh. Look, kid. My name is Ernie Tomasi. The year I spent as Elyssa McClay was the worst time of my life, and that includes losing this." He removed his shoe to reveal a prosthetic foot - the reason for his limp. "You can't seriously think I'm interested in going back. I was happy to give that little girl her life back, and get back to mine."

Bry and I were stymied. Bry finally asked, "Wait... what year did you spend as Ellie?"

"Last year. I went up to Maine with my wife, we wake up one morning in the bodies of these kids, Ellie an' Emily. Spent a whole year living in Connecticut with that fuckin' family. I mean, nice people and all, but goddamn did I hate it."

"You were Ellie for a year?" Bryan gasped, "I talked to her on Facebook!"

"Facebook?" he said, "I don't know anything about that shit. Hell, if you talked to anyone, you probably talked to her. I'm not much of a computer guy."

"And what about Ellie's dad?"

"He didn't say much about who he was," Ernie said, "but whoever he really was knew Ellie's family and had been to the Inn before. I always just called him dad."

My skin got hot. "Donna." Goddamnit. "Donna's involved in this."

That pissed me off. I know she was a wack-job who wanted me to stay as Anne-Marie, and then talked me into sleeping with her (okay, I'm weak, sue me, my girlfriend was a guy at the time!) but I really never thought she'd be so nuts as to go back to the Inn. The thought of tracking her down and talking to her caused me a lot of aggravation, so I shook Ernie's hand and walked out.

Neither Bry nor I could make sense of how Donna played into this, how people ended up where they have, or where Ellie, Emily, and Ellie's dad are now. I'm tired of playing detective, I just wanna play guitar.

-Todd

Todd: The Whole Truth

A couple of days ago, I paid a visit to Donna. You guys remember Donna, right? Slightly older than Anne-Marie, married with a few kids, vehemently opposed to me getting my body back? That Donna.

To say it was weird arriving in that neighbourhood, that's an understatement. Imagine going back to a place you lived when you were a kid, and seeing everyone you knew, all the houses you were familiar with completely the same, the memories of afternoons spent by the pool still fresh in your mind... but you're a stranger. Not enough time has passed that you can say "this place has changed so much," like when you come back as an adult. I didn't expect it to bother me that much. I didn't realize how attached I'd become to that little neighbourhood... at the time I thought of it more like a quiet, lonely prison, albeit a colourful one.

So I walk up to Donna's door and ring the bell. She answers, dressed in shorts and a pink top with spaghetti straps. No bra. She looks at me for a moment, trying to place my face, and asks, "Can I help you?"

I bite my lip a moment and grumble. "Donna, it's me. It's Todd." I tried to give her a very stern glare.

"Todd. From... Maine?"

"That's right."

She takes a deep breath and sighs. I take it to mean she's disappointed about something - whether the fact that I actually went and transformed, or something about my physical appearance, I have no idea. She invites me in and offers iced tea, which I decline politely.

"I was just thinking about going for a swim. Did you bring trunks?" No. "You can borrow some of Andrew's if you like." Andrew, her husband, who was in the city at the time, and on whom she'd planned to cheat with me. No thanks. "Well you can just swim in that, I'm sure it''ll be fine." I was wearing khaki shorts. Again, I declined, I wasn't interested in a swim, although it was a warm day. I didn't consider this a social call. "Suit yourself." She goes upstairs to change.

When she came back down, she was wearing a bikini, showing off those surprisingly tight abs of hers, and I've helped myself to some iced tea anyhow. She leads me to the backyard. "If you just want to come sit outside a while, I hope you won't be too bored while I swim." All I wanted was to get down to business but she seemed to delight in dragging it out. I sat on a reclining chair and she did a few dives and laps.

it wasn't that long ago that Donna and I had a really nice moment by the pool in Anne-Marie's backyard. Beneath the surface between us there's always been some kind of tension I didn't really understand, regarding my intention to become myself again. But on that day we were able to put it aside and be quite friendly.

At this point, she's making a point to be sexy for my benefit, working her curves by the poolside. I tried to resist looking, because I've been feeling a lot of guilt about the whole Alia thing. I really wanted to make a fresh start and go home and be with her, but I knew that was not possible. Not yet anyway.

Eventually she gets out of the pool and towels off. Finally I ask her.

"Donna, why didn't you want me to go back to Maine? Does it have something to do with the person you used to be?"

She sits up next to me and gets this faraway look in her eye.

"It was 1981. I still remember the shock of waking up that morning and being changed, but it didn't hit me as hard as some other people. There were a lot of girls there, running around in a panic begging for answers. I remember feeling very calm, I had this... this feeling that everything was going to turn out okay, even though I didn't know what the hell was going on. I said there were a lot of girls, because the people we'd turned into were from a girl's high school, they were the junior debate team. Ages 14-16. I was 14."

"You were 14 afterward, what were you before?" I asked. She ignored me, stood, and led me inside to the kitchen.

"I found this one girl, sitting, crying. Understandably confused. She told me her name was Tyler, and she was 11 years old, and she didn't understand what was going on. I told her it was magic, that we'd been given a gift. She said she didn't want it. All she wanted was her parents, but all she had were two other girls claiming they were her parents. I told her to stay with me and I'd help her."

Ï wanted to object to this part of the story, tell her it was wrong to encourage that person to ignore her parents, but I guess, being under stress like that, it's hard to say what's right and wrong to do. So I let her continue.

"Tyler's parents became 16-year-olds. Tyler and I became 14. The people who became the supervisors tried to gather us all together according to who we said we were, but it didn't matter in the long run. Tyler - Stephanie, now - didn't get to see her parents much after that, after we got back to our new home. She had new parents, a new life. One of the parents had to move away. I think I heard the other eventually went back to Maine, and then who knows what became of her. I was there for Stephanie, though. I was there to be her friend. We never spoke much about who we'd been, we agreed to just continue living our lives. I figured, what was the difference for her, she was 11, she hadn't had much of a life, and after a while I don't think she remembered much about being a boy. We didn't obsess about getting our lives back, Todd, because neither of us wanted them back. We weren't those people anymore."

My heart felt heavy. I felt really bad for this boy whose life was altered beyond recognition, and who didn't even seem to understand the gravity of what had happened. He lost three of the most crucial years of youth when you really start to learn what you are about. I can only imagine how humiliating those first years after the change had been.

Donna continued. "Steph moved away for college, and I stayed around here. We lost touch over the years. I missed her, because even though I'd been surrounded by girls who had gone through the same thing at school, she was the only one who mattered to me. She was my maid of honor, but like everything else, she drifted away from me. I miss her, Todd. I didn't realize it until you came into my life."

"I'm sorry to hear that..."

"I've been a woman my entire life, Todd. Stephanie, by now, probably barely remembers anything else. I want to know about you. How much pain did you feel when your body was taken away from you? How many lonely nights did you spend fearing you would never have it back? How much suffering could've been undone by letting it go?"

I don't answer.

"How guilty did you feel... when you let Hal inside of you for the first time? And how much did you hate that you liked it?"

Again, I say nothing. She begins to undo her bikini top.

"You're a very brave man for going back, no matter what I said. For facing that year of torture and taking control of your life again. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Todd. I want to help you. Don't you want to feel like a man again?" She stepped closer, her bare breasts glistening in the afternoon sunlight coming in through the kitchen window. She whispered, "There's nobody else here. I want to help you." She came in close and kissed me, and as much as I wanted to resist, as much as I wanted to step away, I didn't. I don't know. I was feeling very caught up in the moment. It's been so long since I had a penis, I forgot how hard it is to resist when something gets you going.

Come to think of it, I think she may have spiked the Iced Tea, but that's neither here nor there.

I throw myself on the mercy of the blog. I'm no saint. I feel like an asshole. I've been a man for only a couple weeks, I've been dying every time I see an attractive woman, knowing my girl is a 30-year-old dude. I'm only human.

So I slept with her. Fuck. I feel ashamed of myself for typing it, for falling prey to her whims, because I said I wouldn't, I just didn't anticipate how easily I could be persuaded. I guess, not really feeling much attraction to her when I was a woman (not feeling much attraction to anybody) made me underestimate what a powerful tool attraction is. Plus, having a new understanding of the terrain gave me a lot of new material (Alia, you'd better be looking forward to your return, because if I take nothing else out of this experience it's that.) Not to go into too much depth, every time I touched her, I had, like, a sense-memory of my times as Anne-Marie, and it was... a very intense experience.

When we finished, she breathlessly intoned to me, "You have no idea how long I've waited for something like that. Andrew isn't very interested in me anymore. I think he may be off women, but he keeps me around for his image." How romantic.

"I hate to tell you, Todd, because I know as soon as I tell you about myself you'll be gone. You'll have everything you want from me, you'll have no reason to return. But fair's fair. I'll give you what you really want to know, for your little internet website thing. Don't say you didn't get anything out of this." She rolls over and slips on a kimono, sitting on the edge of the bed, head turned to face me.

"I wasn't much younger than I am now. I was 39 years old the first time I went to that Inn. And I had nobody. I had nothing to my name in the whole world. Maybe you know something about loneliness, it does strange things to you. My mother was... ill, and I spent so much of my life looking after her that when she finally died, I didn't know what to do with myself. My best years were gone, my family was virtually nonexistent... no siblings, aunts and uncles turned their backs on me, dad nowhere to be found. Just me alone, burying my mother, and left by myself in the house where she raised me. I'm not saying what I did was right, but I didn't know what else to do. I was broke and I never wanted to see the house again." She had a haunted quiver in her voice as she continued.

"So I burned it. I let it burn to the ground and I went to Maine to hide, to gather myself up, to figure out my next move. Believe me, as soon as it was done, I snapped out of it, I wondered what I had done, I was horrified with myself. But what was done was done, and I had to decide how to proceed. And then I was given a gift, Todd. I was given a new body, a new life, right in my hour of need. As far as I was concerned, it wasn't random, it was release. I was set free from the burdens of my old life and given a clean slate. That's why I didn't want you to go back, Todd, because I thought... I just thought it was a miracle, what happens there. I guess you know better."

By this point, I'm fed up and ready to leave. I start dressing. "Yeah. Not a miracle, Donna. Peoples' lives get deeply and often irreversibly ruined because of that Inn. Did you ever think about the woman who was probably in prison for arson because of what you did? Where's her miracle, Donna?"

Before she could answer, I said "Fuck it" and was gone.

So there it is, Donna's story. I never even got to hear her real name, but I don't suppose it matters. If I ever felt like I would regret not staying as Anne-Marie, not giving in and living that life, I think those feelings are completely gone. It's a bit of a relief to know she was always a psycho even before the inn.

I'm just worried now that I've, like... destabilized her. She knows about the Inn and it doesn't seem like she cares much about other peoples' well-being. I hope she doesn't do something crazy someday.

Well, I can worry about it, but... I guess it's out of my hands. Time to move on.

-Todd

Todd: Return to Connecticut.

Now, this feels weird. The rest of Friday was, as you can imagine, quite hectic, explaining everything to Alia and then to that Cliff guy... or should I say Tori? Listen man, I feel your pain, but the physical thing really isn't that big a deal after a while. Living someone else's life can be stressful, but at least from what you told me, you're not expected to be married to anyone.

That was a drag.

But, well, I'm a free man again, I guess. I'm still incredibly bummed out about Alia being a man. I was really excited about getting back to the guy side of the guy-girl equation. I don't want to confuse the issue too much, but I was only interested in men as long as I had a vagina.

That said, it's been an awkward few days. There were some pretty girls kicking around Maine before we left but I was in too much shock to notice them, and I felt bad for those at the inn, like Cliff. She's a bit of a knockout, a small, thin thing. Petite. I'm sorry for saying so, but she's going to have to deal with it.

Being male again is just... a shocking experience. It's a little like losing a sense - going deaf or hard of smelling. I feel like part of the way I perceived the world for the past year had to do with my female anatomy and it's just... gone. Maybe female intuition is a real thing, or maybe this had nothing to do with it. At the same time, I feel like my body is coursing with power, with energy. Just from being tall and having thicker muscles.

George and Jan eventually found me and Bryan and invited me to help explain as best we could. I told him I'd rather not, but I'd come by for the support. They'd remained a couple - this time both white, this time George the woman and Jan the male. Not young, but certainly not as old as they were originally, so I guess their journey continues.

So Bry, Alia and I stood awkwardly in back while these two explained to the remaining crowd of 8 or so confused, scared people what had happened and how to proceed. The problem with explaining things is that people thing you had something to do with it, and they think you have all the answers. George has clearly been around a lot, but there are things nobody knows. (How or why the Inn does what it does, for starters, would be a big one.) The crowd got restless and dispersed still somewhat confused and now bitter about the whole ordeal. I felt bad for them.

I spent the rest of the day talking to Alia. god, it was weird, looking at that guy and trying to talk to him like he was the girl I've always known. But he humoured me, did his best not to make it too awkward (oh yes Alia sweetheart, I'm labeling you a "he" from now on.) I asked him if he was one of those women who curses their anatomy every so often and thought having a penis would be convenient.

He sighed and said that sometimes, sure, a lot of women feel that way, but rarely do they make it a legitimate desire. Women - I know firsthand - are often very in tune with their bodies. Lord knows they're all unique enough, and there's a lot going on that men (who have never been woman) simply don't understand. He continued to marvel at the notion I had lived for a year as a woman, impressed I had come through it alive and hoped I had learned.

I said I had, but more about growing up than, say, having a vagina. I might've learned the same lesson had I become Hal. Only then I'd have had to be a dentist. Hrm.

I told him not to give up, that it was surprisingly easy to "become" someone else, if you're left to your own devices a lot of the time. He said that still didn't sound appealing and I don't blame him. But he knows, from seeing me, how possible it is to come back, and we're counting on it.

He got this embarrassed look on his face. "Todd, I've slept with Sean Flaherty a few times over the last year. It started out as a ploy for your attention, but I guess... obviously it didn't work. I know we're not going to be together, not for a while, but if you meet someone, feel free to..."

I said, "God, Allie, no! You only banged Sean because you didn't know it wasn't me! I only banged Hal because I felt obligated to..."

"Please don't say 'banged.'"

"Whatever. My point is, if I do anything now, it'd be like cheating."

"That never stopped you before."

"Well, I'm... a new man." I declared boldly. That made him chuckle. Really it was more of a giggle, which was a tad unnerving.

"Todd, I can't say I'll make the same promise, I mean, while I'm Roberto. I just... I don't want you to miss out on stuff because of me. You haven't had a penis in a year!"

I didn't tell him this, but, I guess there's only one way to deal with that. See, I'm back in Connecticut today (checkout was Saturday) staying at "Julia" and "Kalli's" apartment while they return to Maine, because I still think I may be able to close up this Donna chapter, maybe without even doing anything serious with her.

But I guess I'm prepared to do that, too... I really don't intend to do anything with anyone else when we get back to Toronto, but Alia was right... I haven't been able to use my own penis is such a long time. It's pretty tempting.

I don't know how I'm gonna handle that yet, but, I'm sure I'll figure something out.

So, we parted ways on Saturday, leaving behind all the frilly underthings and purses and make-up that vexed us oh so long when we were ladies. Bryan folded up those little Ellie clothes and laughed. "holy shit dude - I was wearing this little thing two days ago?" It's been quite a ride. We also said goodbye to George and Jan, who appeared to inherit a pair of twin girls. There'd been a bickering couple kicking around the Inn for the last few days, and though I didn't ask, if I had guess from the way they interacted with each other I'd say this was them, which I guess is unfortunate... but then again this isn't exactly the lottery for anyone else.

So since there's nothing immediately waiting for me in Toronto, Bry and I are just kicking it in Connecticut for a while, then we might make a few more rounds. It's been a while since I looked in on Darren/Jaime, so we might do New York a little later, and then of course, Philly, to see "Rob" before heading back up north.

I'll keep you posted.
-Todd

Bryan/Ellie: The man I used to be

Back in Canada, one of the big deals on the music scene is k-os. I don't know if anyone in the States really knows about him, but as far as Canadian hip hop goes, he's the ideal.

That song, "The Man I Used To Be" was big on MuchMusic when it came out... I tried it... couldn't fight it... I just wanna get back to be, back into the man I used to be... I've been humming it to myself since before we got to Maine, because hell, it's true. Pretty obvious right? Well in the song, k-os does, like a bit of a Michael Jackson tribute, so I guess he was in my head, and now today I find out he's dead.

What's weird is, checking Ellie's Facebook, even people who weren't born until after he was past his prime seem to care. It's sometimes weird how in-touch the generation can be with older music. Hard to believe it's not all about Rihanna and Kanye with these kids. Gives me hope... then again they learn everything they know about rock from Guitar Hero and Rock Band, which is troubling on some levels. No Zeppelin.

With all the friggin' rain, Todd finally got me to talk a little about the whole situation. I guess I needed a while to open up, to feel like I could get some of my shit out there. Maybe because of the therapy, you can understand I've been a bit guarded lately.

I can't believe that a year ago, when this all started up, I was the one who was really excited about it. Way back when she was writing about our "first day," it was pretty much exactly what Todd said. I was freaking out more with excitement than fear, although there was fear, I just... buried it. Not that I was like "zomg I can't wait to be a girl!" but like, the realness of the whole thing took a while to settle in, so until then it was like living a cool sci-fi fantasy. All the facts about girlhood brought me back down to earth, and that's when the depression set in, which may be why I took it so hard when I started to feel crappy about things.

A few days before we left, I was hanging out with Emily. We were watching Tropic Thunder, but she really hated it, even though I thought it was a really cool movie. When we started to talk about why I liked it so much and why she hated it, I kept wanting to say "I guess it's just a guy thing." No matter what the Inn did to my body it never really changed my mind. and yeah, it's okay for a girl to like action movies and dumb comedies and stuff, but I was also thinking of myself as kind of a lesbian, but most lesbians are really not into guyish stuff like that (or else would they really be lesbians? Haha, I kid.) I mean, those are cliches, but there are cliches out there people live up to. Trust me. You think your average lesbian can quote Die Hard? Well I'd settle for Ghostbusters, which I'd probably have better luck with.

My point is, as Ellie, I was never gonna find a girl I really got along with, probably. Leanne was great and all, for music and stuff, but she didn't like me, she liked what she thought I was. As much as I thought Ellie was a "clean slate" with me it was really just a whole new bunch of baggage I had no business handling. And since I wasn't into dudes (every time I asked Todd about Hal she'd get this look in her eye like suddenly she remembered she used to have a dick) it wasn't going to go well. In the end I couldn't make the two things - my mind and body - go together. I don't think Todd ever did either. At least to make it work she had to put out of her mind what she knew she really is. And that's not cool.

So that's the summary of a conversation Todd and I had where we basically talked about "what if we had to stay?" "what if I'd been the mom, and she was the teen?" And the big one "Was it all worth it?" Time will tell on that. It's been a really fucked up year, but I'll say this...... it isn't the worst thing ever, since I know it's going to go back to normal soon. I got some really interesting experiences, I lived the good life, for a little while I strung along/was strung along by a pretty girl. Now I'm ready to go back.

Last question, though, still unanswered. "What if the same thing happens to us that happened to Deb and Amanda? What if I become Todd, and she becomes me?"

Well I'd be glad to be Todd. Maybe we'd try to go back, but if we had to stay, I wouldn't mind. No matter what has happened, we've been good friends, and we can trust each other. You know?

Hopefully it doesn't come to that. I don't wanna be those people who keep coming back. I'm sure George and Jan are nice people, but they wig me out a bit... kinda like that Donna chick back in Connecticut.

Oh rain. When will this end?

~Bry/El

Todd/Anne-Marie: Horoscope

Yesterday was a gorgeous day. It was also my birthday - my 24th birthday, as Todd. I felt a little weird about it, like, I wanted people to acknowledge me in some way, and of course they weren't going to, except for a cursory note from Bry. The good thing is, Anne-Marie's birthday is early next month, (June 10? I should double-check that) so I can just pretend. I find it interesting that we're both Geminis. Double-natured. How apropos.

In case you were curious, I've covered Hayley's, Conner's and now my birthday on here... Hal's is in September, and last year it was extremely awkward, because I had still not yet come to terms with what it means to be Anne-Marie. Hard to believe how far I've come in just a year. Last year, I celebrated my own birthday by doing acid at an all-night party in Virginia Beach, after which Bryan and I woke up with a pair of Norwegian sisters. How things change.

That said, I mentioned my and Anne-Marie's star sign. I don't know if I'm still supposed to follow my own horoscope in this body, or what... I mean, assuming it isn't all mumbo-jumbo. For pretty obvious reasons I'm a little more open to the idea that there's something big out there ever since I woke up in this woman's body. So it was a little... weird... when I went online yesterday and read this:

For those of us born on: May 21
Happy birthday! In the months ahead you are going to need all your reserves of energy, at least certainly in the first few months of the coming year. There are strong possibilities of a move of some kind: changing school, career or maybe even a complete relocation. Thanks to the pesky influence of Mercury a number of things will prove to be much more complicated than initially thought. Romantic relationships may need careful handling. However, once everything settles down the rest of year looks like a process of collecting the rewards for so much hard work earlier. Especially well aspected are relationships with your immediate family and it may well be that you are the centre of a major family celebration towards the end of the year!

Is it just me, or is that kind of a bad sign? "Strong possibilities for a move of some kind" seems to refer to the Inn, but what could be "More complicated than initially thought"?? I already think it's pretty damn complicated! And that business about romantic relationships. Christ. Then again, I am looking forward to "collecting the rewards" of my hard work.

Freaky stuff.

Anyway, I really just wanted to relax all day, especially after getting spooked like that. Like I said, it was a gorgeous day, and we've opened the pool up, so I put on a two-piece bathing suit and did some dives, then just lay out by it in the sun.

Then I heard a knock on the fence. "Hello?" I groaned. Donna.

"I hope you don't mind," she said, "I heard the splashing and I was wondering if you might want some company."

I say up and peered at her over the frames of my sunglasses. "I don't think that's such a good idea, Donna." Mentally, I added, Because I hate you.

"Oh come on now, Anne-Marie. Sorry - Todd. We don't even have to talk. I just want someone to lie out in the sun with."

I sighed. "Fine. But no Inn-talk."

"I went twenty years without saying a word about that Inn to anyone. I can manage." She took a seat on the cabana chair next to mine, and removed her skirt and top to reveal a bikini probably not meant for a woman her age (but I gritted my teeth to see how well she filled it out.)

The problem as I see it, is that any conversation we could have would be framed by the knowledge we have about each other - or in my case, the lack of knowledge, and the suspicion there's more to her than meets the eye. But she was good to her word and lay there quietly as I dozed off.

I was awakened a moment later to hear her adjusting the cabana chair to its horizontal position. But what I really noticed was that she had decided to go topless.

"Donna!" I cried out. "God, your boobs!"

She just looked at me nonchalantly. "What, is there a problem? You don't have to look. I mean, you can if you want, I don't mind."

I didn't know how to react. "Aren't you worried about someone seeing you?"

She looked around. The yard was pretty well-enclosed, nobody from the surrounding houses could see, and the backyard backs onto a ravine anyhow. "It's just you, and you seemed to be asleep. I suppose you're just going to live with tanlines?"

I adjusted the strap of my bikini top and found that the tanline had already started to set in. She turned her back to me. "Listen, I'm gonna lie on my stomach here. Would you get the sunscreen?" I reluctantly agreed. It was like a scene from a really cheap porno, and if I hadn't felt so emasculated I might've been turned on.

She lay on her front and closed her eyes. Satisfied, and kinda emboldened by her words, I removed my top, making sure covering was within reach in case someone came by.

Sleepily, she broke her promise. "So tell me... when you first found out you were a woman... did you spend a lot of time looking at yourself?"

It was an innocent enough question so I answered, "Not really. I mean, not at first. I didn't really want to see. Then as time went by I got used to it, and I got comfortable just being naked, or half-dressed, if I was alone. Then the thrill started to fade a little bit."

"Are you worried you won't like women anymore once you're a guy again?"

If my eyes hadn't been closed, I would've rolled them. "I still like women."

"Well a little birdie told me you'd been with Hal."

I tried to keep my cool and answered truthfully. "Hal has the right equipment to do the job, but I don't find myself getting really excited thinking about him all that much. It's just business."

She sat up. "What do you think of me?"

I opened my eyes and wrapped a towel around myself, feeling exposed. "I don't think you want me to answer that."

"Todd, I can take it."

I stared at her breasts. Then I glanced up at her face. I'd be lying if I didn't feel something. "You look really good... for your age."

She smiled and lay forward again. "Good genetics."

I uncovered myself and lay back again. "So what happened to the original Donna?"

She took a moment to respond and then said, "After we have sex, I'll tell you."

I didn't answer to that. She added, "Mind if I take a dip?"

Feeling somewhat amicable, I said okay, if she put her top on. She slipped it over her head and called me a prude.

I have a lot of mixed impressions of Donna. She's not such a bad person, I guess, just an irritating one. My judgment may be clouded by how good-looking she is, and up-front about her body. I'm still not in favour of her little scheme, but in a weird way, I identify with her.

I just don't want to end up like her.

-Todd/AM

Todd/Anne-Marie: Get back to where you once belonged

So on the evening of Bry's last day of Grade 9, Friday June 19th, we are going back to the Inn. I've known this for months. I'm really excited about it. But every time I look over at that date on the calendar, I feel a twinge in the pit of my stomach. I get reminded it's still a month away, and as awesome as it's going to be to stand 6' tall and grow facial hair again, there are still things going on in Anne-Marie's life that require my attention.

Hayley's cold lasted longer than we thought. She seemed well enough to come along to the zoo last weekend but it flared up again afterward. Then I realized it wasn't a cold at all, but allergies. So I had to take her to be tested, and then convince her it wasn't so bad to get shots, which was a difficult conversation. Then on top of all that stress I had to swing by the drug store for some Midol, because, well, goddamn.

It was there, while Hayley was off browsing the magazine rack, that I ran into Donna. Every so often I remember the last major conversation I had with her and it gets me mad, so you can imagine how I was feeling on this occasion. She started browsing the menstrual aids as well. I was hoping to ignore her when she struck up a conversation.

"Menopause can't come soon enough," she says.

I glared at her. She looked over and smirked at me. I grumbled, "I won't be around for it, thankfully."

She snorts, "How could I forget? After the scene you made at my place. You've made it quite clear you mean to go back wherever you came from. Kansas?"

"Canada. Is there something you want from me?"

She reminds me about her offer. "I don't know why you hate me, Anne-Marie. I don't know why you avoid me and why I have to stalk you in the drug store just to have a chat. We have something in common, we just don't have the same opinion about it."

"Why don't you just tell me who you were?" I ask.

"Why do you care? Why does it matter?"

I didn't even have an answer for that. I just assumed it was quid pro quo when I told her my story.

She came in closer and gave me something of a death glare. "When you came back, and I realized what you were... it brought up so much emotion. So much guilt. You have no idea. For the first time in decades I feel like I'm lying about who I am. And I don't like that." Just like a woman, making me feel like the bad guy. "But what's done is done, and if you want to know, you know what to give me in return."

I told her I remembered. She wanted sex. I excused myself to the checkout and asked Hayley if she'd rather I buy her a Motorcycle Mag or Guns & Ammo. She laughed and handed me a copy of InTouch.

Every time I talk to Donna it really gets my nerves up. She has a real attitude about her past that is troubling for me and only makes me want to know more about her, which of course comes with a premium. I'm wondering whether I really have to do this, to wrap up the question of Donna's identity once and for all.

Of course, some mysteries are easier to solve...

Last Sunday, when I was at "Julia's" place, I was there to do more than deliver a simple Happy Mother's Day message. I had a hunch I wanted to follow up. I didn't want to talk about it until it was resolved, but I might as well bring it up to clear my mind.

Sometime ago Anne-Marie and Ellie admitted they really hadn't been in touch with the original Julia and Kalli. I found this troubling because in arranging all these return trips, I feel it would be awesome if everything could just be wrapped up nicely. Unfortunately, the only info they could provide was the last name "Johnson" and a mention of Washington State. Apparently they just didn't see fit to include all this info in their original letters. I figured it was one of two things. Either it didn't occur to them to provide this in the event a return was possible, or they didn't want a return at all. The paranoid dude in me was thinking the latter.

That said, my hunch was this: if Julia and Kalli wanted to come back, they probably would have e-mailed Anne and/or Ellie at some point. Maybe. It's been almost a year, though, and if nothing had turned up in the Inbox yet, chances are it wasn't going to.

So when I hopped on "Julia's" computer and checked her Spam folder, I damn near shouted out "Eureka!" Sitting right on the cusp of the 30-day deletion cycle was an early-April message from Ken Johnson.

The writer, the original Julia, basically went on a tirade about how mad she was none of the previous e-mails had been responded to, but that didn't mean she was going to give up. That even if there was no way back, she still felt she was owed some acknowledgment that her life was in good hands. (My summary, not her words exactly.)

I noted down her e-mail address and headed home, trying to mentally draft a response. After a couple days I had it all written out.

I explained who I was, and why none of "Ken's" letters had reached "Julia." I told her she didn't have to worry about her body's status, she was safe and gainfully employed in Connecticut. The good news, I said, is that changing back is possible, all you need to do is be in Maine at the right time in the right room. I said I hoped to hear back from her soon, and gave the address to the Blog.

I have yet to get a response, but I will let you know when I've got it, if I feel comfortable doing so. Hopefully, we can get these people into the proper room, but one step at a time...

That's all for tonight.
-Todd/Anne-Marie

Todd/Anne-Marie: Loose threads.

As much as I feel like I know a lot about the people who came before me on this blog, I haven't interacted with many of them directly. So I feel like it would be out of line asking Jessica, a former professional detective, to help me seek out the original Julia and Kalli. I figure from her road trip stories she'd probably be good at it, maybe even dig it, but she's probably real busy with school these days. What troubles me is that I got so focused on undoing all the mischief of the Inn - not just to me, but to everyone - that I can't seem to accept the fact that they probably aren't going to appear anytime soon. So this means Julia and Kalli will have a couple new tenants in their bodies, even if all goes as planned.

Anyway, it'd be a big help for my own curiosity at least, to find these people and be able to say what's happening one way or the other. The investigative skills I learned in journalism are probably neolithic compared to the ones she learned as a cop. But here's what I've got.

to the best of my knowledge, Julia and Kalli are currently in Washington state under the surname Johnson. Now for starters, I can't go searching through through the Washington phone directory looking for all the Johnsons, even if I knew what town they were in, which I don't. Being on the other side of the country probably suggests they won't be making it out to Maine anytime soon, which means they're probably going to fall into that "forced to stay put and accept" category I've been working so hard to stay out of.

Which is what brings me to my next loose thread. Donna Hayes, my evil little enabler down the block. She was so intent that I not go back to Maine, but by the time I returned from New York she couldn't wait to hear me out.

With a fair bit of reluctance I found myself back in her kitchen, drinking her tea.

I told her, "If you want to save some time, there's a blog where some of us write. Maybe you could even... pitch something in?"

She pursed her lips and cocked her eyebrows. "Is that one of those internet websites? I don't know much about that," she smiled dismissively. "I'm so behind the times. Why don't you just tell me your story yourself."

"Okay then," I began, searching my mind for the right opening line. "I don't know if it's occurred to you how random the inn's transformations can be. Sometimes people gain a few years, sometimes they lose them. Sometimes they change race. And sometimes - shockingly frequently - it changes their sex."

I let it sit there for a moment. She nodded insistently. "Go on."

I couldn't believe she seemed so interested in what I was saying. So I continued. "My name is Todd Casey. I'm a 24-year-old man from Toronto, Ontario. Canada."

"You don't say." She didn't seem all that shocked.

"I woke up last summer in the body of your friend Anne-Marie. Until then I'd been poor, a freeloader, a slacker. I was comfortable being lazy. And now that I live a life where everything is given to me, and I can afford to be lazy... I hate it. All this luxury, it comes with dependence on Anne-Marie's husband. As crazy as it sounds, this entire experience has made me want to change my life - as soon as I get back to it. Taught me not to coast, that I should make something of myself, because back in Canada, I don't have someone to bring home the bacon for me."

She seemed confused, "So why don't you stay?"

"This might be hard for you to understand, Donna, but I don't enjoy being a woman. I don't enjoy being a wife or a mother or a homemaker or a soccer mom or whatever Anne-Marie is. Whatever I look like, that's what I'm not. And I need to go back to being what I am."

"A 'slacker'?"

"A man. An independent man."

"Well, if that's the way you feel - Todd, was it? - I wish you luck. I know now that I can't change your mind. Maybe if you lived as long as I have you'd see it form my perspective, but you've made up your mind and I respect that."

"Lived as long as you have?" I stood up, "Lady, you won't even tell me your real name or where you're from. How am I supposed to take your word for it?"

"You really want to know?"

"Yeah."

"Come back when you've done your little change. Come back when you're you again and I'll tell you. I'll tell you on one condition."

"What's that? Are you extorting me? You're way richer than me--!"

"No, I don't want money." She sipped, "I want to meet you. The real you. This Todd person you claim to be."

"Why?"

She paused a while, her face fading up in blush as she smiled evilly. "I want you to make love to me."

I gagged a little. I don't know why - I've had worse - but the fact that she was suddenly using my curiosity about her background to cheat on her husband was utterly disgusting.

"Forget it," I grumbled, walking out.

"What's the problem, Todd? Am I too much woman for you now? Rather wrap yourself around Hal's big, thick--"

"That's enough!" I shrieked. "I have fucked for a lot of reasons. Love. Gratitude. Revenge. Even one time - just once - money. But this is just sick. Why? Why do you want this? What is your purpose lady? Are you just messing with my head? You're a fucking bitch." I really laid into her. "You're insane and I'm leaving."

As I was slipping on my shoes, I heard an unnerving sound. Sobbing. I whispered, "Oh brother," to myself and turned. "What's wrong?"

"You want to know why? Because I'm an outcast, Anne-Marie." I wished she wouldn't call me that. "How long I've spent trying to build up this life, and tricking myself into believing these people knew me, liked me for who I am inside, not how much I'm worth. My husband married me so my daddy - sorry, Donna's daddy - would make him vice president. Now he's gone all the time. I'd divorce him, but we had a pre-nup and I'd get nothing. I'd be ruined, Anne-Marie, so I have to stay in this loveless goddamn marriage with a man who fucks around all week long in New York City while I stay at home and watch Soaps. This sounds sick, I know, but you're the closest thing I've had to a real friend in years, and I only realized it because you reminded me that I don't belong here. So go. Leave. I know I can't."

I didn't know what to make of it. If it was an act, it was Oscar-worthy. I felt really ill in my stomach at her words.

I thought it over. Maybe I could use a little practice before returning to Alia. Maybe I could convince Bryan to go in my place. It wasn't even about learning the truth as it was... pity. I felt sorry for this sad woman whose life has clearly not been satisfying, no matter where she came from. Goddamnit she was persuasive.

All I said was a muttered, "We'll talk about it later." And I left.

So that's the way things stand.

The sooner I can leave the Inn behind the better. It's brought out the worst in a lot of people.

-Todd/Anne-Marie

Todd/Anne-Marie: My funny family...

Between interesting things going on around here, I have to amuse myself. I can only spend so much of the day vacuuming and folding laundry and other mom chores. Unfortunately, I find myself staying in character as Anne-Marie more and more until something weird hapens that snaps me out of it. Today, it was reading advice columns about Valentine's Day.

As you might expect, I had totally forgotten it was coming up, and nearly had a panic attack until I realized I'm the woman now and it's not really my responsibility. Hell, all I have to do is get naked and mince around a little and Hal will be putty in my hands.

.......not that I want that per se. I'm just saying, from this perspective it's easy to please someone else. I don't know whether Hal actually intends to do anything about it, and I wouldn't mind much if he didn't. What do I need to be fawned over? All he'd be doing is buttering me up for sex anyway. Still, I'd be impressed with a card, and I don't think a rose or two would hurt. It'd be good practise for when his real wife comes back.

(By the way, Bryan, I know you were kidding, but I was hardly "basking in the afterglow of my sexual awakening." When you write stuff like that it's hard to convince people you don't secretly try to write well.)

Anyway, all this is just my roundabout way of thinking about how complicated life is, and how many connections I've got with other people now that I clearly wouldn't have had before. It's like I've gone from being a loner with a few friends and a distant family to, well... part of a unit. Look at what I've got:

Hal & The Kids. Hal can be a huge pain in the ass, stubborn, even obnoxious guy... But we all can, really and but he's not hard to get along with as long as you are willing to play along with the idea that he's the guy in charge. I do follow his lead a lot... he doesn't know that his wife's life has been turned upside down, and all the little things I screw up - peoples' names, recipes Anne-Marie used to be able to do, even the whole "not really being that into sex" thing, he's taken in stride. He has shown me - and vicariously his wife - a great deal of support without being able to understand what she's going through. I don't mind taking care of the Adkissons. They've grown on me, and taught me, I dunno, responsibility, I guess. They can be damanding, but it gives my life kind of a... purpose, for now. Hayley, Anne-Marie's daughter, has grown a little distant, and I feel bad about that. Maybe I've been neglecting her, or maybe she just needs to pull away as she grows up (apparently her 13th birthday is in March. Yikes.) And it's hard, since despite my months of experience as a woman, I don't really know what it's like to be a girl. But I'm trying to fix that. Connor, meanwhile, really seems to like his mom (or maybe just me?) and he's a nice kid. I've been reading with him before bedtime lately. Maybe it sounds corny, but this is the kinda childhood I never had and didn't realize I might've liked. I think I might actually be a pretty okay mom. Half the time, anyway.

Bryan... also known as Ellie. My little niece who has been one of my best friends since grade school. we got put into this weird situation and it's changed the way we relate. Sometimes I have a hard time looking at him, with his girlish face and twinkling eyes, and remembering exactly who is beneath that exterior. And then he speaks, and I remember, it's pure Bryan. Having him to lean on in this time has really helped things for me. to know that I don't have to be Anne-Marie all the time. Things aren't exactly as they used to be... I'm hoping they'll change back when we do, but... well, I'm just thankful for his presence. He's going through a lot right now (hormones, as one astute commenter noted, are clearly part of it.) He's got a lot of parental friction, and some none-too-surprising social anxiety. He'd hate me telling the world this, but I've seen him at his most vulnerable. I just hope he knows I'm there for him.

"Julia" and "Kalli." The real Anne-Marie and Ellie. It's gotten to the point where Hal knows that Julia and I know each other and might not think it so weird that we gal-pal around a bit. At first, I had this assumption, based mostly on her letter and the facts of her life, that Anne-Marie was some tightly-wound frigid soccer mom. But seeing her walking around in Julia's body, I've seen her as a really cool, fun, warm person who deserves her life back. It's weird though. She looks 21, and seems to think, act and talk 21, too. I don't know if she always did, but I just wonder what this experience has done for her. But she's keeping Kalli safe, and trying not to let her grow up too fast (although she can't help herself from sneaking some wine now and again.)

Now, the problem is that Anne-Marie professes to want to go back to Maine, expresses a real desire to get back her life, but trying to make arrangements is like pulling teeth. She's got this idea that Hal might think something is up with the both of us going to the same place within weeks and not coming back for so long. I understand her concern (after all, something is up, which we couldn't explain to him if we tried,) but how else does she expect it to be done? And she's on about money. She doesn't make a lot from Hal, and has to keep both her and Kalli in their low-rent apartment (Ellie contributes what she can, which given her youthful inexperience, isn't much.)

So I went ahead and made the arrangements in her name, because she needs the same room as me, otherwise this entire scheme is for nothing, and some random just walks into her life (not to mention Ellie's...) Which brings me to...

Deb and Amanda, the current Todd and Bryan. Every time I get nervous that something is going to go wrong with this plot, I e-mail this very detail-minded lady in my body and she reminds me that everything is under control and going according to plan.

There are times when I wonder what things are like for those two. I take for granted that everything about being a woman is wrong, and that I'd rather go back to being a man. But for someone who grew up as a woman and is now a man, would the same hold true? Do they yearn to get back to bras and tampax? Are they eager to spend hours browsing the boutiques and hauling purses? I keep getting this awful feeling in the pit of my gut that manhood is inherently superior/preferable, and that they'd probably just want to keep my body, but Deb seems so sincere... you should hear her go on about the man who should be her husband.

In any case, it just puts me in mind of how much I need to put things right with Alia. I don't want to lose her and I don't know how good a job Deb might be doing of keeping her interested. I want to tell her, "We all make sacrifices, I just banged Anne-Marie's husband, can't you do me the same courtesy?" But no. Anne-Marie never made me do it, and I can't make Deb have feelings for Alia.

The extended family... I mean, consider the real Julia and Kalli. I haven't heard anything about them, and have no idea if Anne-Marie is trying to give them back their lives. Then there's the new Deb and Amanda. The way Deb talks it seems like everything is a go with them, but what is there's a foul-up there? Are they getting their bodies back, or did Deb convince them to roll the dice? We are attempting a chain of no fewer than three physical transitions here. I can't believe I'm just talking about it like I'm planning a vacation. There is so much potential for disaster it is terrifying and makes me want to follow Donna's advice and stay home. But no. It would take a thousand Donnas to keep me from going back to Maine this Summer.

Speaking of whom... in our funny little family, Donna is like the crazy aunt nobody wants anything to do with, but is part of the family portrait nonetheless. I can't ignore her, as much as I want her to go away and leave me be. Those things she said really stuck with me, and now I just want to know who she was, and what happened that made her feel this way. It's going to take some coaxing. Everytime I try to engage her on the topic, she gets pretty evasive.

Art, Ashlyn, Darren, Kat, Brandon, Jessica, Marie... all the rest. Let's face it. We all share a secret that is bigger than life itself. We have nobody to support us but each other (with all due respect to the wonderful readers of this blog who sit patiently through my ramblings like this.) We've shared an experience that is so difficult to communicate or even understand. Whether you have gotten your life back, are still trying to, or have made yourself comfortable in your new one... we are all kin, and we should all share that understanding. I mean, think about how many people go to that Inn every year There must be so many of us floating around, waiting to have their stories told.

It's overwhelming. We're such a big, funny family.

-Todd/Anne-Marie

Todd/Anne-Marie: Meet Donna.

It's been a while since my last post. I guess having sex and meeting Donna within the same weekend really threw me off and put me in a weird state of mind about how much I should be saying on this blog.

Not that I don't enjoy being open and honest with whoever is out there reading this - and really, thanks for your support and understanding, but really... when I tried to put into words the whole sex thing, the man-part of my brain (which I like to think is still over 50%) put down a block and told me "No, it is not okay to admit you enjoyed this." After all, if I did, that's a notch in the "don't go back" column, which is admittedly bare. The only points there are "slightly inconvenient" and "possibility of failure." I don't get such a rush out of seeing Hal naked that I think it warrants that kind of analysis. Actually... the first time we did it, it was a little hard for me to keep from laughing.

But I'm not putting it down. It feels pretty good, and I can even see how some women could really enjoy it (I should hope that most women enjoy it more than I have.) I can stomach it. It's a bit like exercise... at first you feel averse to it, then it becomes a welcome part of the routine. But as you can probably tell, I never loved exercise. And this, I can go without.

Ugh, see what I mean? I've just typed all that and I feel so exposed. It's been like 2 weeks and I still don't feel like I can really form a coherent sentence on it. Forget it. What I really want to talk about is Donna.

She had just told me she had been to the Inn once before and it stopped me in my tracks. She led me back into her kitchen, and she served me a cup of tea. I felt something inside me frozen.

According to what I've read, and my experience certainly agrees with this, some kind of magic prevents people from (immediately) drawing the conclusion that you've been magically turned into someone else. This could very well be called common sense, because if you haven't seen such magic in action, there wouldn't be any reason to assume it existed, but there's probably more to it than that. Trying to decipher the notes Anne-Marie and Ellie left before becoming them gave us a headache, but when we woke up in their bodies, well, it became quite clear. So I guess the best way to understand is that seeing is believing... but it's still not that simple.

I looked at Donna, and for all her odd qualities I didn't sense anything supernatural about her. I surmised she must have been a woman, and visited the inn so long ago that she was Donna long enough that Donna became her natural state. But nothing inside of me believed she could ever not have been Donna.

There was a long lull in the conversation around this fact. The reverse, it seemed, has also been true. Yes, it had been a long while since she'd been to Maine, but she could hardly forget what that Inn did. We both just kind of sat, silently sipping, waiting for the conversation to begin itself. I started, by asking a dumb question that was not the most pressing.

"So when did you figure it out? About me?"

She sighed. "In a way, I knew before Anne-Marie did. She was visiting me one day, explaining about this trip she was planning, when she showed me the photographs she'd gotten of the Inn. I recognized it immediately. I wanted to grab her and shake her, and scream 'Don't go, find someplace else to stay!' but she was so enthusiastic about this place. So I rationalized it to myself... oh, it's been so long, maybe the curse is broken and it doesn't do that anymore. After all, it's not like this kind of thing turns up on the news as often as you'd expect."

I thought for a moment about a headline - 12-year-old girl breaks into Manhattan Loft claiming to be high powered executive, institutionalized.

"Then you came back and nothing seemed off about you. I mean seriously. I feel so stupid for not seeing it sooner. I thought either the Inn was fixed, or maybe she stayed at a different place after all, or something."

"And the fact that it took nearly a month for her to come back from the trip?"

"Just didn't register with me, I suppose. Well, then you started avoiding me and being very guarded and I thought, what could possibly be wrong? I knew you and Hal had been having some troubles, but that had nothing to do with me. And slowly, slowly I became more convinced. When you fixed the TV - my Goodness, Anne-Marie couldn't turn the damn thing on half the time - that was the moment. I just knew it right then. And I don't mean to bring up any... awkward emotions or anything, but I just had to ask you. I had to know. And I knew that that the only way to convince you was to tell you I'd been there myself. So what do you think?"

I felt stone-cold. "I don't know what to think. I have a lot of questions."

"Like what?"

"Is there anyone else around here? Like us?" Other than the people I already knew about.

"Not to my knowledge. When I was... changed... I - Donna - was in high school, and all the other girls at the Inn were on her debate team. But we all grew up and spread out. I lost touch with all of them."

I hinted that I wanted to ask who she'd been before.

"Anne Marie," she said. I glared at her - she was calling me by what she knew was not my name, "If it's okay, there is a lot of stuff I'd rather not re-live. I've spent a lot of time building and enjoying my life here."

"Well," I shrugged, "Everybody's got a story, don't they?"

She smiled modestly, "My story wouldn't interest you, I don't think. And you don't have to tell me yours, if you don't want to. I mean, the sooner you let go, the easier it is."

I glared at her. "Uh, what?"

"Well, I mean, in the long run, it doesn't really matter who you were. If you were old or young, black or white." She didn't say 'male or female' but I sensed she meant to, "You're here now, and if you let go of whatever you used to be, you'll be able to appreciate what you have been given."

I started to get hot under the collar. "Uh, I don't really want what I've been given. I don't belong here. As soon as it's possible, I'm going back to Maine and I'm getting my life back."

She seemed shocked. "You can't do that!"

"It's been done."

"I just mean you shouldn't. I don't know who you are, who you were, but you seem like an honest person, and I think Hal and the kids are in good hands with you. You've got a lot of responsibility on your shoulders and you can't just hand it away."

"I didn't ask for this!" I was practically screaming.

"Nobody asks for anything in this life! And everything we do ask for, we don't get. We get what we get, and it's our job to deal with that. That's a lesson I've had 25 long years to learn."

I just shook my head. "I'm going back. I'm giving Anne-Marie her life, her family back."

"They're not hers anymore, wherever she is."

I wanted to tell her she was close by, and that she wanted them back very dearly. Instead, I just stood up.

"I'm going to Maine in June," I asserted.

"What exactly do you think you're going back to?" she asked.

I didn't want to answer that. I just stared at her. Then she said something really unexpected.

"I'm sorry." Talk about a shocking statement. "I stepped over the line. I just think it's a... bad idea."

"Not any worse than going there in the first place."

"That was different. I'm assuming you didn't know what was going to happen. I sure didn't. But look at me. It's been 20 years and I... am so much happier than I ever was before."

"You're telling me that within a year of going to that inn, you wouldn't have gone back if you knew you could get your body back?"

"Things were different back then. People didn't communicate the way they do now. We didn't have e-mail or text messaging... if somebody took your body, it would be no easy feat to get it back."

"Not easy... but not impossible."

"I wouldn't have gone back, no."

I paused for a moment. "I guess you just really didn't have anything to go back to. But that's where we're different."

That's when I turned and left. Things are tense, but I think she's eager to maintain lines of communication with me because of what I know about her. I don't know why she's trying to keep me from going back, but she won't succeed. I still haven't learned who she used to be, but I get the feeling that I wouldn't have liked that person very much, either.

That's all for now.
-Todd/Anne-Marie

Todd/Anne-Marie: I had to get around to it eventually.

Yes, Hal and I did it on Saturday night.

In a way, it's a load off my mind, because now I know what it's like, but I've spent a lot of the time since in a daze trying to sort out my opinions on the matter, as well as some very strange news that has overshadowed it (yes I know, shocking though it is, there's something more pressing than sex.)

But sex is what you've come for so I might as well clear that topic up.

The kids were at their Aunt & Uncle's place (The McClay's, Ellie's house,) so Hal and I could have a romantic evening that was more awkward for me than anything and made me want to go through with it less than ever. But after the main course, (a veal dish I whipped up - I'm getting half-decent at this cooking thing) we sat drinking wine for a little while. I was aiming to get drunk past the point of consolation, so that I'd be more amiable to the situation, but it was to Hal's credit that he didn't immediately whip it out and take me by force. He was willing to wait, and that was something I really... appreciated. Lord knows I kept him on the line long enough, finding some reason to put it off longer and longer.

Over drinks, we got to talking, Hal and I. He's a decent guy, sorta complicated and sorta not. If I were really his wife, I'd probably see him as closed off, but I know where that type of behaviour comes from and I don't begrudge him it. So I coaxed him into letting his guard down and before long we were more straightforward with each other than we had been ever before - as much as we could be with me completely lying about my identity - and I voiced some of the feelings Anne-Marie had expressed to me about her husband, saying I know it's been a tough time and thank you for being such a strong provider and all that stuff. It was a good performance. And then eventually, three and a half glasses of wine deep apiece, he stood up, and took me by the hand, and... well, no more words.

God, this is embarrassing. I'm at a loss for words (a rare condition for me.) As a guy, I bragged about sex all the time, but now I just feel really... I don't know, vulnerable? Exposed? Is that too girly to admit to? Changing your role in sex, I just realized, consists of more than a sensory experience, it's a whole new goddamn discourse. I should've read Foucault when I had the chance.

For a grown man becoming a woman in this scenario, there comes a time... however many weeks or months it might take... when you just can't deny yourself anymore. Especially when your back's against the wall like mine's been. I think Art and Ashlyn might back me up on that (but to each their own.) On the night before, I got to thinking about my life as Anne-Marie, and everything I've been through. Beyond the initial fear and confusion and loss of self-identity. I've been through the cycles, the soreness of this body, the exhaustion at things I used to be able to do no problem, the different tastes, the family dinners, the laundry, the unusual desires, the body odours, retaining water, dressing myself in a woman's clothes, sleeping in bed with someone's husband, lying to everybody in the world (except two,) and all that other minute shit that has worn me down over the past six months... I thought about it all and just fucking broke down and thought, goddamnit, I need something I can enjoy. It's not so much about sexual pleasure, I'm saying, as much as it's about something safe. Something I can just enjoy.

So with all that in mind, I felt I owed it to myself more than anything else to at least try to enjoy this part of it. Because for the next six months, it's about all I've got.

So we went up to the bedroom, and got warmed up pretty fast. I guess the thing about marital sex that's different from premarital sex (of which I know a great deal more) is that it's all fairly routine. He didn't feel the need to try anything that I would've deemed unusual. In fact, there was a great deal more he could've done that I always tired to do, but again, that's from the perspective of a 24-year-old unmarried guy. So basically after some light fondling and such to get him primed, we just... got to it.

I'll note, as a matter of record, that I was considering dolling up a bit more for the occasion. I would've known where to begin, but Anne-Marie has a small collection of sexy lingerie. I used to date a girl who was really into corsets and leggings and all that stuff, but she was kinda chubby and it hurt the effect a little bit, to see her all jammed into it. Anne-Marie is no spring chicken, this body has given birth to two kids and seen better days. I looked at that stuff, and it brought back those memories, and I thought better of it. I was just wearing a black bra and panties, and not for long: I stripped them off and slipped into bed next to him.

The whole affair lasted maybe 10 minutes, and at the end, he held me a while before falling asleep. The whole time I was just... outside my own body. I felt this thing slipping into me, and it was like "Woah, not ready for this, but here we go!" It's also very strange to find you don't mind a hefty-ish, hairy-ish man grunting and gyrating on top of your body in certain situations. Since I wasn't really "warmed up," there was a very unpleasant friction at first, but as we got into the groove, his member started finding the right spots and I was starting to enjoy the rhythm before... whoop. Thanks for playing.

I know this is gonna sound weird, but it's the holding that made me more uncomfortable than anything else we did. I would rather have kept it less intimate than that. I could feel his heart beat and suddenly I was aware that this man thought he as in love with me. Oh, shit.

I'm at a loss for words to describe the actual feeling. It was... nice, and I get the sense it could've been a lot better. I'm disappointed it didn't turn out better, but I'm not alarmed I liked it as much as I did. I don't know what I was expecting. But when I finally did get to sleep, I slept like a log, and felt better the next morning than I have since transforming, or in fact a while before.

But if it's not one thing it's another...

I was called over the next morning to help Donna, Anne-Marie's oddly irksome friend, with her new HDTV. Having seen my prowess at the cocktail party, she enlisted my help fixing some wiring.

Donna, I'd decided over the last few months, is an odd bird. She's in her 40's, has a son in University and a daughter in the last year of high school. She's fairly well-preserved, and has a good deal of exercise equipment around her house, as well as beauty supplies. Her husband is some communications bigwig and works 4 days a week in the city, and often goes on business trips, so she's along in the house a fair bit. I got the feeling this was why she was so cloying for Anne-Marie's friendship.

"I'll put a cup of tea on," she insisted when I arrived. She'd asked me to come over around 11 on Sunday, and when she answered the door, she was wearing a lace nightie under a robe very loosely cinched so that when she opened the door and a gust of winter wind blew, her cleavage stared me right in the eye. I averted my eyes awkwardly.

"That's okay," I said, stepping out of my boots, "I won't be long."

"Oh come on now," she teased, "There's nobody else here, I need someone to talk to. We go so long without seeing one another these days."

Nobody else here? Then what in God's name was the nightie for?

After putting on a kettle, she went upstairs and was caught in a lie when I heard her daughter yelp, "Ew, mom! How about putting on some clothes sometimes? God!" I laughed and got to work on the TV set. I made short work of it, since the only problem was a wrongly-inserted AV cable.

"Oh, I'm so glad," Donna said when she came downstairs, more reasonable dressed in a sweater and khakis, "My husband is just as bad at this stuff as I am and he's too proud to ask for help. You know men."

"That I do," I huffed. Let me go, lady, I thought as I stepped toward the door.

"Oh by the way, I borrowed something from you," she rifled around the kitchen as I stood in the doorway. "Hal lent them to me when we were at your place last month, and I haven't had a chance to give them back. I was just so interested in looking at them."

Anne-Marie's photos from the Maine trip. They'd been on the digital camera when I was transformed. I gave her a very suspicious look and said thanks for returning them.

"She's growing up so fast, your niece," Donna smiled politely, "She looks so petite there, but I saw her at the party too, and she's becoming quite a young lady." Well, that was the truth - Bryan's transformation has really been ongoing.

"And the inn where you stayed, well, it looks so cozy," she noted. Now I was started to get seriously weirded out.

"It wasn't as good as it looks," I sneered. Hand on the doorknob.

Her glance turned away momentarily. "Well, in any case, they've hardly re-decorated at all since the last time I was there."

I froze, barely able to breathlessly form the words "Excuse me?"

She looked me dead in the eye, her lips cracking into an evil grin, "Oh you know. It's just been so long since I was there I can hardly remember it, but it does bring back memories."

The teakettle whistled.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to stay a while?"

Like I said, stuff just keeps coming up. I'll have to get back to this later.

-Todd/Anne-Marie