Did you ever have one of those days you just knew was going to suck? You stub your toe getting out of bed, you get shampoo in your eyes, you feel fat, your coffee tastes like rust... and before anything's really happened you've made up your mind to hate that day?
I have to be careful when I have a day like yesterday. I work with a bunch of guys and if I show up to work in a huff or seeming short-tempered, I know what they'll say... they'll think it's because of PMS or hormones or whatever they think goes on in a woman's body. I can't just be upset for normal reasons, but today, after the hot water ran out in my apartment and my boyfriend was late to pick me up, I was starting to get a bit edgy.
But I was keeping calm and rational right up until I got summoned to the boss's office. See, Alex and I work for a small shipping company that handles mainly the Philly area. He oversees IT, I handle the warehouse database, overseeing all the comings and goings, basically ensuring everything winds up where it's supposed to. It's actually a lot of headaches for not a ton of pay, but I'm good at it and it sits neatly with my skill set. It's all part and parcel of the comfortable little life I've built for myself.
Last month, we learned the company was merging with a national chain. We were told this was not a big deal, that it was a management issue and they didn't acquire a whole company just to gut its staff. We were comforted by this, so I didn't think it was a big deal when the boss called me in.
He admitted that although they had said no big changes were on deck, a few key staff positions were being eliminated due to redundancy: specifically mine. The new boss' people were overtaking my duties after this month. He was really apologetic, saying he didn't realize this aspect of the deal affected me, and explained how pleased he was with the work I'd done and will gladly provide a reference and so forth. But I still felt like total crap.
I got home and I was in such a huff. Alex was trying to talk me down a bit, saying "At least they gave you this much notice, at least it's good terms" and blah blah blah. I don't want to downplay that they're doing it in a pretty nice way, but it feels crappy. And when I was ranting to him about it, I might have said more than I meant to... what I said was "I thought I was done getting my life jerked around by random forces."
That comment probably confused Alex... I guess I never realized how much I tied my life since the Inn with some problems I had before I became Tori, how I always felt like my life was defined by the actions of others and so much bad stuff happened to me because of chance rather than me doing anything. I've always felt sort of antsy about how much of my life wasn't decided by me, up to and including transforming into a girl. Having my job eliminated by someone who's never met me definitely counts. But Alex has never seen this, as far as he knows I'm not someone who blames the forces of he universe for all my problems.
I scrambled to explain to him that, (and this is at least part of it,) when I was with Buddy, I felt like our relationship hinged on factors beyond our control, as well as my tendency to go from job to job based on what was available (also true.) I don't think this was quite satisfactory to him, but it ended the discussion. I wasn't in much of a mood to do anything for the rest of the night. I stayed up editing my resume, drafting a cover letter, looking for job leads. After all the shit that I went through to get this job... I nearly moved to Houston for a job! ... I'm not looking forward to going through it again.
Tonight's St. Patty's day, though, so I feel like I should put on a good face. I've still got friends, I've still got a life to run. I'll put on the green top and get wasted and forget my problems.