Tori: Fingers Crossed

I walked into my old employer very apprehensive. I had originally gotten hired with them through Alex, and we know he turned out not to be on the level. Whatever his objectives were, or the peopel he works for, he was trying to convince me to go along with him... in the time since, I sometimes wonder if my firing had something to do with that, maybe to help coerce me. Heaven knows I didn't stick it out in this body just to hawk cell phones at the mall. Maybe I'm seeing connections where there are none but I think anything is fair game.

I'm am SURE, however, that this conspiracy, if you can call it that, has to do with getting called up out of the blue and being offered Alex's job. Supposedly, he was moving on, and recommended me - not somebody who was still with the company - as his replacement. I was very unnerved that they would want me back, if they had anything to do with these mystery people, and particularly bothered that this new Alex would think of me at all.

So I went in to the manager's office, Alvin, and I sat across from him just kind of staring intently, trying to figure him out. I asked about the job, and it seemed to be exactly what he was describing, for in-hour IT services for the entire company. Okay, great, as long as my skills aren't too rusty. "Why had Alex recommended me?" Alex had made the argument that I was as qualified as him (true) and was familiar with the company structure (not as true, I was fired just after a merger, but hey.) Alvin basically reassured me that the job was mine if I wanted it.

I hesitated. I wanted to wring him for answers but if he had any he wasn't coming out with them. I told him that if there was anything else going on, he could tell me, I was in the know. He looked at me like I was a lunatic. He asked if I wanted the job, and I said I'd have to consider it.

That night, I went over to Alex's place, hoping I wasn't breaking their rules or putting myself in danger. I also hoped he hadn't moved: luckily, he hadn't. When I pushed the buzzer, and I heard his voice ask "Hello?" my heart lept out of my chest, and I squeaked the most awkward response: "Hi, um, my name is Tori, and..." he interrupted, "I know. I know. Come on up." He was expecting me. Gulp.

I nearly hyperventilated on my way up on the elevator. I hadn't seen Alex, that face, that man I had spent a year with, since he, well, stopped being himself (or George, rather.) And I knew that whatever this gentleman was going to say, whether I could trust him or not, was going to deal with some vry uncomfortable truths about my life, that I just don't want to deal with. But before I take this job, which I really wanted to do, I needed to know what was really going on.

As soon as I knocked on the door, he was there to open it, like he was waiting for me. I nearly fainted when I saw his face, I swear I just couldn't deal with seeing this person with all the baggage attached to that appearance, but I collected myself, and he had me take a seat and offered me a drink. I declined. He said, "I was hoping you'd stop by."

"Really?"

"We have a lot to discuss, but I didn't think you'd just come over if I asked you to. I felt sure that you wouldn't take that job without at least seeing me first."

"What do you know about me? About who and what I am?" I asked.

"I know plenty, Tori. I know you used to be John Henry Clifford, an IT technichian from Buffalo, New York. You've been here since the summer of 2009, and when you couldn't get your old body back, you stuck it out, got comfortable, sought happiness... that's admirable. I know you used to date the man who occupied this body, but when he left it, to go live as someone else, you declined to follow him. And here we are."

"Is this for real? The job? Or are you just playing a game with me?"

"You need to learn how to ask questions, no offense," he said, taking a sip of his water, "Because I wouldn't tell you if I was."

"I guess that makes sense, I just find it hard to believe you have my best interests at heart."

"If it helps, I'm really just looking out for my best interests. Yours are incidental."

"How comforting," I rolled my eyes. "So what are your interests?"

"I want out."

"Out?"

"You asked me if I was playing a game. I'm not, but someone is. It's a lot bigger than you or me, but it's... sort of a con. They have a lot of influence over who goes where. There are a lot of favours owed. I got caught up in a while, but I'm ready to get out, and I thought, since I'm leaving anyway, I might as well do you this favour."

"Why do you care about me?"

"This isn't the first time we've met, Tori." He kind of chuckled to himself, "This is embarrassing, but I guess I wasn't going to win you over without mentioning this... I was Danny."

My eyes bulged out. "Danny? My friend Danny?"

"For a while, yeah. Believe me, that was a difficult couple of years to navigate."

"So... when Raine, and Danny... you were... That was you...?"

His face turned red, "I tried. She was willing to try, and for a little while it worked, but... Believe me, I am really sorry to her about that. She was really understanding. That's why I'm doing this, in a way. I care about her, but I can't be in her life like this. The Inn will be open for the summer soon, so I... I've lined up one last chance. Believe me, the Powers That Be are happy to have a life like mine that they can use to leverage people."

"So they just use people? Use their lives as incentives?"

"It's a carrot on a stick. You wind up in a body that is not to your liking - either by accident or because they put you there - they tempt you to work for them by offering a new body, or even your old one back. Holding you hostage. They've been at it for a long time, so they've got connections, money, power... but I guess there are limits. You need to take the bait, and you never did."

"No," I said, thinking about how close I was to going with George. "I never did."

"Tor, you need to know how badly I wanted to talk to you about this. Even going back to when it all started, watching you date him, while I was powerless on the sidelines trying to survive in my own situation, knowing you were going to get your heart broken. I'm sorry you got caught up in this."

"It's... it's all in the past," I said, still stunned. "Thanks for being honest."

"If it helps... don't trust anybody. Even me." He's right, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to go thorugh life looking at everything skeptically. I wish I could take him and everything else at face value.

I stayed a bit longer, rehashing old times, catching up on what was what... the whole meeting was really long and really therapeutic, and if I've muddled up the exact wording of the conversation here, I apologize to Alex.

I left feeling a lot better about life, in a way... if "taking the bait" with George was my only risk at being sucked into this, then taking the job was a smart decision and I might be safe now. Maybe somewhere down the line they'd try to get me again, but according to Alex, they may have moved on. I told him that I would do everything I could to help him with Raine, if he wanted it, when she comes back and he comes is in his new body.

I asked Alex if it was safe to blog about this, if openly discussing his identity, and mine, made us targets. He said it was fine, that the "Agency" people didn't really pay much attention... anything I was going to share on here that they needed to know, they would be able to find out anyway.

Not terrifying at all, sure.

It's a relief, after nearly 4 years, to feel like I know even more about the world I live in. The things people could do with that Inn... scary stuff.

But I've worked my last shift at the phone place, starting at the IT job tomorrow... this feels like a new chapter. At 26, I am back on track to living my life. Fingers crossed.

Tori: Woah hold on.

Here I am, complaining about boy troubles, and all of a sudden I get an e-mail.

It's from my old employer. Offering me a job.

Alex -- or whoever looks like him nowadays -- is leaving his job. And he's recommending me for his replacement.

I'm just... floored. I don't know what to think.

I would so love to go back there. Get out of my rut, get my life moving again. But I'm suspicious... whoever this person is, he's probably mixed up in the same stuff George/Alex was, and I dson't know if I can trust him. Can I just take this offer at face value? What does he know about me? What does he expect me to do?

Should I go talk to this person and find out if he's on the up and up? Could it possibly end well?

I'm suddenly very dizzy.

Tori: Christmas is here again

This is my fourth Christmas as a woman. This year, because there's not a ton going on in my life, I found myself thinking back to the first one.

I remember the stress of getting presents for a "family" that still felt largely like strangers, or at most recent acquaintances. I remember drilling the "real" Tori for ideas for mom and my brother Ken and my relief that I could relate somewhat to my new tech-loving dad and tomboyish sister Mae.

I remember having to feign excitement on Christmas morning as I opened boxes of cosmetics and fashions and jewellery that reminded me how uncomfortable I was in my new body, how the world wanted me to look, how much I didn't know. It was intimidating and scary and frustrating and annoying... and because I was "playing" Tori, I had to smile.

Then a little later I took it all out and laid all the clothes out on my bed and thought how it wasn't any different from what I was already wearing... clothes are clothes, after all, and even more, these would be clothes that the first Tori never wore, stuff that was all mine from the first go, picked out for me by someone with a better sense than I had. It was like how I went shopping with Karen when I visited her down in Louisville.

I'm still not exactly a fashionista, but I at least enjoy buying clothes, and I certainly don't mind dressing up now and again, if the situation calls for it. Most importantly, I enjoy, rather than resent, getting them as gifts. As a man I didn't need much in the way of new clothing, and it's still true that most of the year if I know I want something I buy it for myself... but the unexpected upside to the world of women is that there are always more clothes and accessories. Once I would have thought they were just for frivolous, style-obsessed girly girls, but even basic chicks like me can appreciate a nice-fitting top or a cool scarf.

It's taken a few years, but I've finally gotten the hang of these extended family gatherings... there were so many uncles and aunts and cousins I just never saw often enough to learn their names. It's been long enough that cousins who were just tweens when I met them are blossoming into wonderful gawky teens.

When Ken and Jana arrived with the baby, the family all congregated around to hear their tales of new parenthood. I'll admit, I love them as much as anything in this whole world but I've seen a lot of them lately, and I've heard all the stories, and they had a lot of people to catch up with, so I excused myself to the basement to idly putter around.

Surprisingly, I was followed by my sister Mae. One of my early great memories was from that first Christmas, bonding with Ken. Mae and I have gotten closer, but she remains elusive. I've been wrapped up in my own life too, so I don't blame her, that I don't really know what's going on with her.

I welcomed her into the rec room and cracked her a beer. "Don't tell anyone I gave you this."

"Everyone knows I drink," she said.

"Yeah, but I'm not supposed to approve."

"So how are you doing?" she asked, "With the breakup and all."

A few years ago she wouldn't have asked, except to bait me for snark, but she seemed genuinely interested. "Honestly? I don't know. Alex and I left things off on such a... weird note. But I miss him."

"Think you'd get back together?" she swigged.

"Out of the question. The reason we broke up... well, he wasn't who I thought he was. There were things between us that can't be undone. I have to move forward. But it's weird... none of that changes the way I feel about him, and somehow that's worse."

"You and your drama," she said. "If you like someone, just stay with them. Figure it out."

"Some things are more important than one guy or another," I told her with a smile, "And believe me, when it comes down to it, as much as I liked him... loved him... that's all he was. One guy. There was only so much... there was only so far I was willing to go to be with him. What he wanted, no guy is worth."

"And what was that?"

"Hm.... I don't know," I admitted. "Control, I think."

We talked a bit longer before finally being called back for dinner and other shenanigans. In my happy, drunken phase, I found myself wondering about the new - that is, the real - Alex, what he was doing with that life. It wouldn't be too hard for me to find him, I know he's still out there... but I convinced myself it would be selfish and perverse to assume I had any place in his life just because I dated someone who looked like him.

Then just as I was getting used to the idea of moving on, I found out one more thing. Sara and Thom bought a house in Delaware. These two people I've known almost as long as I've been this person, are headed out into the world to start their lives together. They're the same age as this body and considerably younger than my old one... but they're ready. And I'm nowhere near that. And that's just been nagging at me. I hope I haven't just been wasting my time, you know? The extra years I got from becoming Tori. I have to remember that I'm not really as old as I feel... I've still got time. There's a lot of fun I can have.

Tori: Done and gone

So... where was I.

Alex, aka George, gave me some time to think about the decision. For me it really wasn't a decision but I needed a lot of time to figure out how I was going to tell him that without revealing that it was because I have been to the Inn already.

We met up on a Saturday early in August when neither of us was working, at an outdoor cafe. I was probably trying to be cool, like in the movies, where you see people having top secret meetings in public. Also I was scared of what might happen if we were alone.

I sat down with him and began, "I've thought a lot about what you've told me... about yourself, about this magic Inn that transforms people... about your offer. I've spent a long time considering the possibilities."

I told him plainly, "I'm sorry... I don't want this. Alex, if you can move into this new life, why can't you come back and meet me again and tell me it's you? Why do you need me to go?" Since we know the Inn curse doesn't really work on me, and he's already told me, I thought I was being clever.

He twisted in his seat. "This new life of mine... it's going to be a long way away from here. And I'm not going to be able to come back to Philadelphia. If you love me, if you want to stay with me, you would have to come with me. Not just to the new place, but in a new life. That's the only way. It won't work if you're still... I mean, it would be a sacrifice, but it would be the only way. The only way. Please reconsider." He kept saying that, 'the only way.' It made me grit my teeth.

"I can't, though. My life, my family, my friends... you can't tell me it should be easy for me to walk away from that. If you were still George, and you had a chance to change your life, would you do it?"

"If I knew what I know now? That I'd be happy and in love and successful for the rest of my life? Yes."

He was making it so hard. So painful, but I swallowed my fear and told him again. I knew I was doing the right thing. "No. Still. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too," he said. "I wish I could come back to you in a new body and say it's me... it's Alex... but you know there's a funny thing about this Inn curse. It keeps people from figuring it out. If you tell someone you've been to the inn, they won't believe you because they can't understand... unless they've been."

I gulped.

"But you do understand. So tell me again, Tori..." he said slowly, like he was putting quotation marks around my name, "Why don't you want to come back with me?"

I let out a fearful sigh. There was a long pause before I finally said, "You figured it out." I was shattered.

"You didn't react like someone who had never been to the Inn. You knew all the questions to ask. I could see you sorting it out in your head. Why didn't you think you could tell me?"

"I was worried that if you knew - that I was like you - that would make you think you could convince me to go. But I'm not like you. You're George in Alex's body, and I'm... I am Tori, okay? Nothing else matters about me and I could never walk away from this and I hope you'll understand. Just because I know what it's like to become another person doesn't mean I would ever want to again."

"I wish I could say the same," he said. "I wish I had a choice, even. But promises have been made. Deals are in motion, so for you and me, it's now or never."

I began to say, "If we could get more time..."

"We've had a year together," he said, "And it's been an amazing year. This is our only way forward together."

"Stop saying that," I said, "Please, stop acting like you don't have a choice. We can make it work, Alex, if we care about each other..."

"I'm doing this because I care about you," he said again. "I want the best for you, and you're never going to get it in Philly, striving for a career that you might never get back."

I paused, "I... what do you mean, get back?"

"Well that was sort of a clue, in retrospect," he said. "Beautiful girl like you. Used to be a hairdresser. One day you decide you're into computers? I can't believe I didn't see it right away."

I smiled in spite of myself, embarrassed. "Yeah," I sighed, "When I knew I was staying as Tori, that was a... direction I had to take."

His mood turned back to a bit humorous, "I guess in your old life, the guys weren't exactly lining up to date you, were they."

I almost laughed right out loud, but held it back and finally said, "No. No they definitely were not."

"If you're worried that you won't look good after the transformation, I can assure you--"

"It's not about that," I said firmly.

"That's why we're finally having this conversation," he said, that handsome gleam in his eye, "You fascinate me, Tori. I love how you didn't decide to skate by on your looks. A lot of people misjudge you because of who they think you are, but you're smart. And I want to get to know you more. The real you."

"You already do know the real me," I said. "I'm an honest person. I'm not comfortable taking the easy way out."

"I'm sorry you think of it that way," he said. "I'm sorry you're not more curious about the world outside of this city, where you can be so much more. Why are you so afraid to take a chance?"

Deep breath. "Because deep down, all I want, for the rest of my life, is to forget that Inn ever happened to me. I started fresh once, years ago, and I'm not doing it again. I'm keeping this life, for the good and the bad. You keep making me these vague promises for a better life, but there has to be a way for me to be happy without ever setting foot in that place again. There has to be. If that means you and I are done...

"This isn't easy for me, Alex," I said with a sniff. "If you love me... let me go."

"Okay," he whispered, obviously shaken. "Tori... if that's your decision... your final, final decision... there's nothing I can say to change your mind. Just know that I love you. No matter what. Whatever happens... I just hope you don't regret this someday."

And then he left. And that's the last I saw of him. I don't know if he was in Maine when Greg was. I don't know who he's become, or who's become him, if it was the original Alex or someone else. I don't know anything. I'm a little scared to ask.

Those words have haunted me all month, though. "Hope you don't regret this."

Tori: Reverting

For a while after Alex told me the truth about him, it was like was had agreed to break up.

It was weird the way we left it. Even though we were such an important part of each other's life for a year, suddenly he drops this bomb on me and disappears, pre-emptively ending our relationship before he was even gone. And me... god, I'm ashamed of myself. Suddenly it was like I was Cliff again, afraid to peel back the curtain and TALK to him.

Truth-telling time: When I was a guy, I ruined a few potential relationships because I was afraid to check in on somebody when things were in doubt. Things could have been salvaged. I've come to prefer being a woman partly because I'm more comfortable being pursued, and now when the chips are down, I revert back to old habits. I was a little disgusted with myself when I realized that. I spent weeks mourning a relationship that had not ended yet.

I went and saw Alex - I won't call him George because he's Alex to me. I told him to meet me at a cafe near our old workplace on his lunchbreak.

He sat down across from me. "I'm so glad you called," he said.

"I've spent a lot of time thinking about what you told me. Trying to make sense of it." I stammered for a bit, assessing the situation... letting him know my "grasp" of it based on the idea that I'd never heard of the Inn before, before finally saying "So all of this means you have to leave... you have to stop being Alex... you have to give this person back his body. But whoever you are... we've grown very close over the last year. Tell me that isn't a lie."

"It's isn't," he said firmly.

I took a deep breath, "Then I don't see why this has to be the end for us. I don't see why I can't meet the real George Mueller. Why we can't still be together."

He smiled. "Tori, I keep asking myself that same question. If I could walk out of that Inn the same old George I used to be... if I could come back to Philly and hold you in my arms I would. You're half the reason I stayed as Alex. The other half, though, is that there isn't a George Mueller to go back to. Don't ask why, it's a long story, but I've spent the last year trying to figure out how to make it work. How to keep you and give Alex back his body and find a new one for myself... and that's when I met them."

My back tensed. "Them?"

"It's sort of hard to explain, Tori... see, there's a lot of people out there who get caught up in this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, of course, but it's sort of a support group, slash... agency. They use the inn to trade bodies, to arrange for transformations. Deliberate ones, to benefit people. And they've found something for me."

At first I was thinking of Fletcher and his travelers... but that didn't sound quite right. From what I know, Fletcher and his friends just kind of float around. There's nothing deliberate about it. My teeth clenched. This was getting weird.

He went on, "They have a lot of resources, they pulled some strings... it's not important. But part of this deal means I have to take on someone else's life for a while. Again. And that's going to keep me away from you... I know you don't do well with long distance relationships but there's not much I can do. I already promised I would be out of Alex's life by the end of the summer."

I sat there quietly. All I could say was "So... it's out of your control?"

"Yes," he said. "They were pretty specific. They won't even let me tell you who I'm going to become."

"I see," I said, breathlessly.

"Unless..." he said, "You want to go with me?"

I lifted my eyes. My jaw fell open. My throat caught itself trying to say "What?" like I was a female Michael Cera.

"I know this is a long shot," he said, "Like I said, I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, but good things can come out of it, and I think maybe... if everything goes according to plan, if you take this risk with me, we can be happy together. We can make it work. I must sound so crazy right now, but I think I could convince them to give us a good start."

"It's so crazy," he went on, "And I feel like a jerk for even asking. It's just that I feel like maybe... it could be good for you. A fresh start. Sometimes I see you when you don't think I'm looking... I see this look on your face when you think about your life, and it's not all you think it could be. And you've spent so much time lately figuring out how to get to the next phase in your life... your job, our relationship... wouldn't it be nice to just skip ahead? Wouldn't it be nice to start something together where we knew we could have it all figured out?"

He began to get up from the table. "You don't need to give me an answer now. We have all month. Think it over. These people can do a lot for us... money, security, a great life... I know it must seem like a big risk, but if there was ever a sure chance for happiness for us in this world, it's this."

He leaned over and kissed me. I was still stunned. I've been stunned ever since. Every time I think about it, my stomach twists.

I've been thinking about it a lot. The truth is... he has a point. Him saying that proves he gets me, regardless of knowing the truth. I've been dissatisfied with a lot of the turns my life has taken, hit a lot of dead ends trying to make this career work and get back on a path. For a lot of that, the only thing that's kept me sane and happy has been this relationship, and a lot of "that look" has been my concern that I should be happy with things other than my relationship. And I value that so much that when I thought it was ending - first because we fought, then because of the truth - I wanted to curl up and die.

What Alex is offering is this mysterious fresh start... it's tempting. Keep him, and use this mysterious group (Pygmalion? Someone else?) for my own benefit... all while stealing or borrowing someone else's life. I would feel very guilty about that. Not everyone would be as understanding as ex-Tori about being removed from their life. I think I remember reading Fletcher saying "it's going to happen to someone anyway." If they're as influential as George says, then this decision could set me up for life.

But it's not just that. It's me. It's all the work, all the blood, sweat and tears I've put into this life for the last three years, going from a frightened little boy to a thriving, happy woman. Say something goes wrong and I become the man, and Alex the woman... would he be able to cope? Would I? I already scoffed at the idea of taking my own old life back. If I ended up that way, I might be able to adjust back, but I think I would resent Alex for taking me out of a very comfortable situation... and that's not even counting me urging him to get used to it.

In a way, it would be easier if I told him the truth about me. He'd know I know where he's coming from, and maybe we could work it out from there. I'm still undecided, though. If you were me, and you were a woman who used to be a guy... you might be reluctant to tell your boyfriend. Inn or no inn, a lot of guys can't handle that, and I don't want him looking at me and imagining Cliff. Besides, I'm worried that if I admit it to him, he'll use it as a reason why I should go along with his plan. "What's another body to you? It's not like you're really Tori."

I can't. I can't walk away from this, no matter how shitty my life sometimes feels. This isn't just a body to me, this is my life. This is home. There's nothing that's going to change that for me. I just became an aunt, and when I held that little baby girl Aurora, I felt more amazed at the world than I have in a very long time. I have a sister that I've watched grow into an amazing young lady. I have friends who, without realizing it, helped me learn to become myself. I can't leave that in the hands of another person.

And that kills me, because it means that very soon, I'm going to be on my own again.

Annnnd... I'm crying again.

Tori: Like a Ton of Bricks

There have been a few times in my life when the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. The first was when I woke up in the body of a woman. The second was when I found out I wasn't going back. The third was when I realized I had to break up with Buddy and pursue Alex. And every time, this blog was here for me. I never thought I'd have a moment like that again in my life, but Friday night, I had the worst.

I have never been so mad at someone I care so much about, and until he arrived at my door I considered cutting him out of my life completely. I'm a pretty strong person by now, I should be able to walk away from someone if they treat me like that. But it was the first time he had ever shown that side of himself. The first time I saw any dissatisfaction and anger about our relationship. Even when he told me he didn't want to move in, he was nice about it. I wanted closure on this issue... I wanted to know what was behind that outburst. If it ended with us breaking up, I could accept that, but I needed to give him a chance.

When he arrived, I had him sit down, and I put him at ease by saying I had gotten Raine out of the apartment for the night. He didn't know where to begin. Neither did I. We each opened a beer.

"We can't pretend nothing happened last night," I said.

"I'm not like that, Tori," he said. "You know me."

"Yeah, I thought I did."

"I get frustrated sometimes. Not with you, but with... other stuff in my life. Stuff I can't tell you about, but it’s starting to get in the way."

"That's not gonna cut it," I told him. "You love me. I love you. You shouldn't feel like there's anything you can't tell me. Just respect me enough to talk to me instead of bottling it up."

"If I tell you this, it's going to change your opinion of me. It's going to change everything."

“If you don’t trust me, I don’t know if we can be together,” I told him.

He stalled a while before I finally dragged it out of him. He said it wasn't a problem until he realized we were going to be together a long time, that he cared about me and that I wanted to move in. He admitted he knew all the advantages, and that there was no lack of love or desire to move in but for certain reasons it wasn't "practical."

Then he asked if I trusted him to always be honest, and if I would promise to believe the thing he was about to say, and forgive him if necessary. I got a serious bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, but the answer was, of course, "Yes." There has to be honesty, right?

"I'm not who you think I am," he said. "And I want you to know that even though this makes no sense at all, it's the truth, and I would never do anything to hurt you."

And then he took a deep breath and told me a very familiar story.

A few years ago, before he met me, he took a trip to New England, winding up in Maine.

And wouldn't you know it. One morning, he and everyone else staying at this little Inn woke up to find they had been transformed into different people.

His name isn't really Alex, it's George Mueller. He's only been "Alex" for two years.

I just sat there, trying to keep a blank expression on my face as he told me this story that I lived through, treating me like I would never imagine such a thing... I mean, I never imagined trying to explain my situation to anyone because, well, I guess I was afraid I might sound like Alex did here. He was so worried I thought he was nuts. I just nodded along trying to figure out how to react.

"I never lied to you on purpose," he repeated, "It's just that I never thought I could tell anyone and make them believe me... but I feel so close to you, I thought maybe, just maybe you'd give me the benefit of the doubt."

It took me a while to realize he was telling me this without knowing the truth about me. That this was pure trust on his part, hoping I would be understanding about this strange situation.

I spent a long time just thinking it over in my head. It was a lot to come to terms with. I took a long time figuring out how I was "supposed" to react, as if it was all new to me.

For a second, just a second, I wanted to throw my arms around him and admit my own truth, to show him he wasn't alone. But I stopped myself. I had this intense feeling of self-consciousness. It was selfish of me to want to keep this illusion up, but after my experience with Karen a few months ago, I felt so exposed just talking to someone who knew the truth about me... like I had to be both Cliff and Tori, and I gave up on being Cliff a long time ago. I really don't think I can have someone in my life, someone I care about, knowing who I used to be. I would always worry that they'd look at me and try to see Cliff, judge me because I came to love this life as second nature. I was afraid he just wouldn't be able to handle it.

He leaned in, and asked hopefully, "Do you believe me?"

"Yeah... I think I do," I said, then added, "There's always been this strange aura about you."

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me.

“I’m sorry I lashed out,” he said. “I was thinking about how much I love you, and how much I feel you love me... and I got scared. For a second, I thought pushing you away was better than telling the truth. Anytime I think about how close we are, I get scared you'll hate me for lying and I... I freaked out. I hope you can forgive me.”

I took a deep breath. “I can.”

When he pulled away, he stood up and said, "It's a lot to expect someone to handle this. I can't prove it. It makes no sense, even to me. You might just be humoring me, but it's out there. You can think whatever you want about it, but I'm glad I said it."

“I’m glad you did, too,” I told him.

And then he left.

And then I went and lay down in bed and thought "God... what am I gonna do now?"

Tori: It won't go away

I thought this "moving in" issue was settled. Maybe not to my liking, but like a lot of things in my life I learned to deal with it. For reasons he has never explained, he doesn't feel comfortable enough for either of us to uproot, even though we've been sleeping together for almost a year, had all the prerequisite coupley moments, and said the L-word as often as each other's names. I mean, whatever.

But I've accepted it. He doesn't want to go domestic. Sure, he loved when we could carpool, or when I was out of work and making him breakfast every other morning, but things have changed. Suddenly it's not so convenient when I'm at his place and we both have to get to work, and he doesn't want to give me a lift because of the traffic going that direction will require us to leave an hour early.

Me staying over simply doesn't work. I was lying in bed at 11 last night. He was drifting off to sleep next to me, and I was mentally trying to figure out how to get to work for the next morning. I only had one choice. With a deep breath, I slowly lifted his arm off me and sat up.

He muttered sleepily, "Oh, just gonna fuck me and leave then?"

I'm not in a joking mood but I pretend, telling him "Sorry beautiful, you know the drill."

"Can we just lie here a little while longer?" I can see his real intentions by the tent he's pitching under the sheets, and as much as I'd love another ride, I really need to get home.

"If you want, we can resume this party at my place," I offer as a consolation prize.

He won't take it. I don't know why, but he just won't do it with Raine next door. We've been known to make love at volumes that go through walls (I'm sorry, I can't help it) and she's teased us about it. I mean, I can take it, it's girl-talk, but I don't think he likes her knowing how long he can (or can't) last. I tell him he has nothing to worry about, but you know men.

I think in general he doesn't like her, though. A while ago I found out she was having a little fling with Danny, our supposedly-gay friend. It ended in June, and she was pretty beat up about it. I was supportive, even though I didn't get how it happened. Alex was not supportive of my support.

Just to let you know, that whole thing apparently started when Raine was invited to "partake" in a three-way with Danny and a bisexual guy, and I guess they thought they had chemistry, just the two of them. Alex, in an attempt to wash his hands of the whole scenario, now dislikes coming over to my place. It's really driven a wedge in our social circle.

On the drive back to my place, I let it slip: "I just hate that you don't like any of my friends."

He defended himself: He liked my friends fine until they all started screwing around and making it impossible to be around them. I rolled my eyes. Everyone has friends like that. So Raine and Danny had a falling out. Sara and Thom are off in their own little engaged world. TRhat didn't mean they weren't good people, who are important to me.

"You don't like any of my friends either," he said.

"You don't have any friends," I replied. BAD. MOVE.

(I mean, is it obvious I haven't had a ton of relationship experience? But I really thought I was getting the hang of it.)

He loses it. "I have friends! I'm friends with everyone I work with. You never come by the old office to say hi."

"Because I work too now! And it's embarrassing enough to be the only person who got fired, out of like 200 people" I was ballparking this figure because I was tired and upset, "And I don't remember you ever talking too much about anyone from work."

"Because so many of them are women and you get so jealous anytime I even look at another girl!"

"I do not!"

"You're always talking about how much better looking you are, how glad you are that you don't look like them or dress like them or whatever that means... remember when that Karen chick came up from Louisville? You really seemed to fucking hate her, even though you claimed she was a friend. I think the reason you wanted to rush into moving in was because you were afraid I'd cheat on you if I ever got out of your sight. Even though I'm the one that should be worried about you."

All the breath left my body. All the blood rushed to my face. I just stared at him as he stared out at the night road. I had to speak slowly. "What. The Fuck. Is That. Supposed. To Mean."

He said exactly what I knew it meant: "It means I stole you from Buddy, and there's always a chance I'll just lose you to the next guy."

I welled up with tears. I couldn't face him. I couldn't talk anymore. When we got back to my place, I just quietly left the car and stomped into the building, getting in the elevator, letting my tears hit the ground.

I couldn't believe someone I loved so much would say such mean, hurtful things. Even when we fight, we never fight, but for whatever reason we just lost it on each other, and he really didn't fucking hold back.

I spent all night crying in my pillow wondering: What the hell did he want from me? He wants me around, but he doesn't want me to live with him, doesn't like my friends, doesn't like the inconvenience of me having to do stuff without him (like work.) Is it so wrong, after all I've been through, to want a little consistency in my life?

I have to remind myself, Alex doesn't know "what I've been through." But his interpretation of my personality, my "jealousy" and worst of all the idea that someone might "steal me" from him really hit hard.

From the way he made me feel about myself... I mean, that was not okay at all. And for the first time since we started, I thought about breaking up with him, but I couldn't bring myself to give much power to that thought. One bad night isn't going to erase the good ones. It's not like this is typical.

I thought about it all day today. Hell, I probably talked my co-worker's ear off about it. For his part, he was a pretty patient listener. Then while I was writing this blog entry, I got this text:

"I'm so sorry for last night. I think I'm ready to talk about this. I hope you are too."

It's 7:00 now. I told him to come over at 8. It's time for us to have a serious talk about our relationship.

Tori: Keeping happy

I'm comfortable. I could complain a bit about my financial state or the occasional rocky period in my relationship. I vented a bit in my last post about how Alex didn't want to move in together yet and this somehow tied together with my mind which was all messed up with baby-crazies.

I love him because he likes me. I don't want to be "a girl" about this and start looking for things to go wrong, because we're not getting married (honestly, the stress of having a wedding just sounds awful to me. Sara just put hers off until fall.) At this point, if I'm happy, all I need to do is keep him happy, so if this is all he wants, I can handle it.

It's been some work. I've never been with someone this much for this long. Never shared so much, never made them this big a part of my life. Less and less, that one thing he doesn't know about me seems like a big deal, but it won't go away completely. Some nights we'll be in bed and I'll think "If only a woman loved me this much when I was a guy..." and it's hard to imagine how, after all this time, I'm so comfortable and yet still clinging to past regrets. I would have loved it then, but what I have now is superb so I don't know why I'm complaining.

Every so often, Alex will ask me if there's something bothering me. I try to brush it off and tell him things are fine. And they mostly are: I'm happy with my body. I have a guy to wrap his arms around me, and even if we don't live together, he's still somehow usually here to watch me try on four different outfits before going out. I swear after three years I'm still not an ace at dressing myself in a hurry, but most girls aren't even after a full lifetime. Undressing, on the other hand, I can do.

Luckily, I don't have to spend too much time picking an outfit in the morning. Black pants. White polo shirt. Nametag. I'm the girl who sells cell phones in the mall. I'm trying to take a little pride in this position, because even if it's not corporate, it's still tech-related and appeals to my interests and skill set, but I have no delusions about why I was hired. I'm the eye candy. Given a chance, most guys would rather talk to a pretty girl about their cell phone plan than anyone else working there (not to say some of my male co-workers aren't attractive, but I doubt most of the male customers care.) But it's embarrassing sometimes, because my male co-workers have this perception of me having been hired for my looks and not knowing anything about phones. And there's a lot to keep track of, with features and plans, that sometimes when I stumble or need to be helped out, it feeds their perception of me as "dumb hot (blonde!!) chick." Eye candy.

I've worked retail as Tori before, but that was in a garment shop. The only people I ever talked to were women. I wasn't the hottest one there, nor the least knowledgeable since when I became a girl I was obsessed with finding out the differences in types of fashion.

When a guy screws up around here, it's no big deal. They just laugh it off. But because I'm fighting my reputation, it's really stressful, especially because I haven't had a lot of time to get good at it yet, only working two or three shifts a week. To say nothing of male customers admiring my chest while I'm trying to explain the savings of a 3-year smart phone contract to them.

Sorry for the rambling post, anyway. Sometimes I worry about leaving off on a post like my last one, where I seem like some crazy girl, and I wanted to reassure you guys that things are actually going good. Routine with the BF, stress at the job, but good.

Tori: Still looking

Both for some work, and now for a bit of peace of mind.

I don't like the idea that women are inherently more emotional than men. I was a really moody guy, but society didn't encourage me to show it. Since I've been a woman, I've cried plenty, but over things that I would've liked to feel okay crying about as a man. Since I am a woman, though, I now know there are certain things that set me off more than they would have as a man.

Last weekend, Mom and I ventured out to New Jersey for Jana's baby shower. Some of Jana's female friends, co-workers and relatives were there. The only one I had met before was Jana's mother, who I remembered from the wedding talking about how she always wanted a sister for Jana, a comment that baffled me then and unnerves me now. Jana has four brothers, all older, and her mother asked if I was single and thankfully the answer is no.

It was a nice event, I mingled some, but inevitably the large topic of conversation is babies. Up until now I've just thought of it as "Oh, I get to be Aunt Tori now, that's really cool." But suddenly I started thinking of it as "Someone I know is about to be a mom. Someone's gong to call her mom. And someday... it might happen to me."

I never thought about kids when I was Cliff. I spent all those years dating a woman who wouldn't let me see her naked. We talked about getting married, but it was always somehow in the future, and I was frankly afraid of proposing, for reasons that turned out to be very appropriate. I thought being a dad might be cool but it never really seemed to be a pressing question.

And the same has been true of my life as Tori. Sometimes I make the joke, when I get my period, "Another month of beating the odds" (not really since we're really good with birth control.) As serious as Alex and I are, I have definitely eased off the commitment gas pedal, because I am not "that girl." Maybe we'll get married, and I guess if we do, kids are an option. No stress. Take it easy.

But then I got to this party and talked to some of these women. Some were young, and were looking forward to getting pregnant in the near future. Some were older and had kids, and shared their stories. And then some of them... these older women who never had kids, who had this air of disappointment about them, because of it. Women who got to their Fifties, never married, and then gave up.

I'm not saying I think that'll be me. I'm not saying I'm worried about never having kids if I want them. I'm saying suddenly I'm aware of the pressure women put on themselves... how many women define themselves by reproducing! It's insane. And guys just don't. Motherhood is seen by a lot of women as this sacred, important duty, and fatherhood is just something that happens. I worry about other women thinking negatively of me if I choose not to... and I worry about if I somehow can't. I don't know. It was all very confusing.

Later, I wanted to talk to Alex about it, but I couldn't outright have a conversation about wanting kids. I didn't want to scare him or anything. I didn't even want to talk about that. I just wanted some kind of reassurance.

Instead, when I got home, I went over to his place and I asked if he had given any more thought to living together. I felt like maybe I could that as a way of reassuring myself about the future.

"I have," he said. "I just don't see the rush. We're good the way we are, aren't we? We don't need to make it a big financial thing. You're a smart, independent woman. You don't need to depend on me."

I had absolutely no idea what he was going on about, whether it was my independence or his that he was really talking about. I spent all day imagining what it would be like to grow a person inside me, and then had to realize that my long term boyfriend doesn't think much of co-habitation.

I had a good cry that night.

The next day, I had a couple of job interviews. Sure, I'm in emotional turmoil, but I had to look good for my interviews. Straighten your hair, put on some eyeliner, perk up your boobs and wear some heels that make your butt look good: chances are, even if the interviewer isn't a man, they'll appreciate the effort.

Since none of the corporate jobs I envisioned are really hiring, I widened my search to the retail sector. I need to pay bills, even if it's bagging groceries. Fortunately, I won't be doing that. I got a job selling phones at the mall. I made it a point to do as much research as I could before I applied, and I think the owner (a man) liked the idea of getting some eye candy who could actually sell the phones. I start tomorrow, but I'm only booked for about 12 hours a week for the probation period, which means I'm still not covering everything.

Still... it'll keep my head above water for a bit longer.

Tori: Visit Part 2

On Saturday, Karen/Tori proposed taking me on a walking tour of Philly. I said I've lived here for almost three years, I know a bit about Philly, and she said "Yeah, but you never had someone walk you around it who really knew it." I had to admit, there was a point, and I later figured out it was as much for her, so she could reminisce. We walked by some of her old favorite bars, high school hangouts, the hairdresser where she used to work, restaurants she liked. Suddenyl she was putting stories and meanigns behind all these places that I had passed by and never thought about. By the end, she was getting a bit quiet. It was the introduction to "Tori" I never got, a few years too late. Who knows what my life might've been like if I had her holding my hand through those early days. I can only imagine how it would've looked, if I had her to teach me to be Tori, instead of trying to learn to be myself.

That night, Alex and I were going to dinner at my parents -- her parents. Of course I invited her along, and she seemed excited, but at the last minute, she decided to stay in. "I didn't plan on seeing them... I think it would be too much." Okay, I said, but this might be the only chance she has to see the people that raised her. It didn't seem to matter to her.

After dinner, Alex was driving me home. "Maybe you should go back to your place tonight," I said in a moment of remarkable foresight. "Karen and I are probably going to have to talk about stuff."

"Wouldn't you want me there for backup?"

"It's girl stuff sweetie," I said, kissing him. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I went upstairs to find... and empty apartment. I had a text on my phone saying "Hey Cliff, went to the club, join us when ur done bein lame!!!" I resented her using my old name, so I waited up a while. I was stewing in my anger so much I needed to shower to cool down.

Karen came in alone, obviously still drunk. "Hey, why didn't you come? You would've loved it. Guys everywhere."

"I have a boyfriend," I said bitterly.

"So?"

"Where's Raine?"

"She went on a booty call. Same old Raine. Not like everything else around here... what the hell are you doing with my life?"

"Excuse me?"

"I was so hot! I had so much going on, and now look at you... what do you weigh, 160?"

"140, at the most! God! Tori, you're a superficial bitch!"

"Oh really, Cliff? Look who's using my sexy body to bang nerdy boys because she's afraid she can't do better. You fucking... tomboy lesbian slut hag! I bet when you had a cock, you always wanted to trade it in. How do you think your boyfriend would feel if he knew you used to have a dick?"

I felt my fist clench. I've hit a girl before. I nearly did it again. Instead, I just looked her in the eye, and I did something much worse.

I told her, "Your family loves me."

She sneered, "They don't know you."

"Yeah," I said, "They do. I lived with them for a year. At first I was trying to be you, and tiptoed around and never talked to them, but I gave up on that and I just decided to do everything the way I would, if I was... if I was a girl. And you know what they tell me? Tori, you've really grown up. You've become such an amazing person."

I regretted it as soon as it was out of my mouth. It was over the line. I could call her a bitch or a slut and she would shrug it off, but I took it even further. I had a right to be mad. She was talking shit about how I would never be a real girl and how I wasn't a man either, and I... I needed to grab onto one thing I knew I had better than her, something I had done right since being Tori. Instead of explaining to her that it didn't matter I used to be a guy, I fought back, and it didn't feel good.

She sunk down to the couch, bawling with tears. After all these years, I'm still not comfortable around crying women, even though I've been one myself. All I could do was watch for a while, before snapping out of it, "Oh God, oh God I'm so sorry, oh Jesus... I didn't mean that, I didn't mean to say it..." completely forgetting the awful stuff she had just said to me.

As she cried, I continued talking. "Tori, I know for you, being a girl is all about looks and guys, but for me, this is something else. I don't care about my weight or make-up so long as the person I love loves me back. And I know people don't always get along with their parents... my dad practically hated me because I was into computers instead of football. My brother served in Iraq, I couldn't compare. I wanted your parents to like me so much... but more importantly, I wanted to be someone I liked being. And that's why they like... uh, why they think that about me. They can see I'm happy."

She sat up. Tears were still in her eyes, but she wiped them away. "I think I get it. I was a screw up, Cliff. I was an unemployed hairdresser who moved back home and dated older men. They loved me... they were annoying, but they loved me. I just wish I had that back, because I don't even know Karen's parents. There's nobody around to see that I've got my life together now. I wanted to go to dinner with them... but I got the call today. I didn't get the job. I'm still just a fill-in reporter."

I felt a bit more comfortable sitting next to her. I rubbed her back and she rested her head on my shoulder. "Hey," I laughed, "I'm unemployed. I'm still a screw up. I wish I could bring you to your parents and tell them to be proud of you... but you know they would be, okay? You're doing great."

"Uh huh," she sniffled.

I feel like Karen's my sister. We don't really see eye to eye, but we share something personal, something that we can never get rid of, no matter how we feel, no matter how crazy we get. The last thing I said to her that night was "By the way... never call me Cliff again, okay? I'm really not him."

She looked at me, and nodded "I think I understand... You're Tori."

She threw her arms around me and we got cleaned up and went to our respective beds. It was more complicated than that... it was a long, emotional, drunken conversation that didn't happen exactly as I've written it, but I've given you the gist of what we discussed. I think we reached an understanding.

I went to bed trying to grasp what I had actually just said: "I'm not Cliff." As much as I want that to be true, I still have almost 30 years in my head of answering to that name. And they weren't all bad. I think I stay on this blog because if I don't, all my memories of being him will just sit gathering dust. They're not useful to me anymore, but I can't get rid of them. I can't clear out my cache so that only the last 3 years remain. I can't talk to anyone around me about my old life... even when I can, I don't want to, exactly because I worry about trying to connect those old memories with this new life. So I want to thank you, strangers on the internet... for letting me remember, but also keep those memories distant.

Alex and I drove Karen to the airport the next morning. I walked with her through the airport. The last thing she said was "It might be a good thing I'm staying in Louisville. There's a really cute guy who's been trying to get my attention."

"I thought you were dating around?"

"He's special. I stayed away because he's the kind of guy you get serious about. And I was scared to try, because I thought I might be moving back here. But I see you and Alex together... hell, I heard you together... it makes me want that."

I hugged her goodbye and stayed to watch her plane take off. When Alex and I started to drive off, he asked me what I wanted to do for lunch.

I smiled and felt the skin on my midsection. "I wanna find the best cheeseburger in Philly."

Alex grinned a big goofy smile "That's why I love you."

I gave him a good long kiss and said "That's why I love me too."

Tori: A visit... From Tori pt1

So. Since losing my job I've sent out my resume to nearly a dozen businesses I'd be suited for, most of which aren't hiring right now, but will be "happy" to keep me on file. Fine, I get it, the marketplace is tough. I'm trying not to get discouraged, but it's looking like I'll have to broaden my search, maybe even go back to retail or (please no) waitressing just to make a buck. It gives me a headache to even think about. And that's not the only thing that gave me a headache this weekend.

Around the time I found out I was getting fired, I got an email from the real Tori. Since Willie had contacted me a few months ago, I thought the two were somehow connected, but that's not the case. Tori, as you might remember, became Karen Costas, an intern and aspiring weathergirl at a local Louisville network affiliate. We hadn't spoken seriously since she gave me her permission to stay in her body... which was a weird conversation. I mean, I just read the post I wrote about it back in the day. I remember crying my eyes out, I remember being mad... but when I had all the words put out in front of me, it seems really stupid that I got mad at her. I lashed out because I needed a target. And for years since, I avoided her because I was worried about bad blood, but there really was no wrongdoing. We got in a bad situation, and honestly, she was very accommodating. But I felt sensitive, and being perfectly happy to stay where she was just hit me wrong. I don't know. Nobody said being a girl had to make sense. I still don't get "us," years later.

So I was suspicious and confused when she e-mailed me, out of the blue, like we were always buddies, asking to stay with me for a weekend in April. See, Tori -- KAREN -- had really gotten into this TV career path, but there was only so much she could do in Kentucky. Fortunately, as a "southern beauty with a northern accent" (as she put it,) she had a lot of interest in her demo reel, so when she was called up for a potential job offer in Philly, she was excited to work close to her roots.

I... hated this idea. I've gotten very used to my life, and for some reason, having the former inhabitant of this body around the judge what I'm doing with it doesn't sound good. Ever since Alia left, nobody in a hundred miles knows I used to be a guy, and I like it that way. I was worried that having her around might set me back somehow to "Cliff" mode, and then... I don't know. Some days I still have to remind myself that I came to terms with the transformation years ago. I know I seem really confident, but doubts creep in. I just have to remind myself how nice my life is.

Still, I couldn't exactly turn Karen down when she asked to stay. It was the least I could do, and I let myself think it could just be a fun visit.

She got into town on Friday morning. After Raine left for work, I had her come by to drop off her stuff. Now, I wasn't trying to sneak her in - I told Raine we'd be having a guest - but I guess I wasn't comfy "introducing them" yet. I wanted a chance to confer with Karen "out of character."

When she arrived, the first thing she did upon seeing me was squeal "Holy crap, you're a blonde!" I blushed. She was enthusiastic, as she never thought "she" could pull it off. I even ended up getting my roots touched up when I found out she was coming. She had a few comments about the place, how it seemed kind of cramped and a bit of a mess. I pointed out when I became Tori, she was living with her parents and her room was a disaster, and she just smiled and said "touche."

I remembered thinking she was attractive when I last met her. Now I think she's gorgeous, which is weird... I would've thought my opinion would be more neutral over time, not less, but I was really impressed by her appearance. I think at that time I was tired of even looking at other women, and now I sort of appreciate what women do with their bodies, respect how much upkeep a look like that requires. No doubt, with my body, I could be gorgeous every day of the week, but I tend to dress down because it suits my personality. Also, she's just a force... being around TV people seems to have influenced her entire personality: she's all energy, she talks excitedly, and enunciates.

She was thrilled to be "back home," talking about how it was bringing back memories. I told her how I've been back to Buffalo a few times since I was Cliff, and when I got there it was like I never left. What I didn't mention was how strange it is walking around your childhood hometown with a different set of parts.

"Okay tell me," she said, "Are you really dating a guy?"

"Uh, yep," I said, a bit taken aback. "He's, like, a real guy and everything."

"That's crazy!" She punched my arm. "Oh my God! Like, the last time I saw you, you were what, still pretty much a guy in your head, right? I remember you were still a bit weird on the whole girl thing. Bet you never thought you'd turn out like this."

I expected this sort of talk, but I still wasn't sure what to say. I just kinda laughed it off, "Well, after a while it seemed like a good idea. Better than being alone."

"Was it weird, looking at a guy like that?"

"The weirdest thing in my life was looking in the mirror and seeing this. After that happened... nothing seems off-limits, you know?" She nodded, although I think she's still pretty hung up on the idea of me, the ex-guy, being as committed to dating a man as her, the "natural"-girl. I have to say, no matter how comfortable I am, I'm still way better at it than I was at dating girls.

I turned the conversation around and asked her about Gary. When she first became Karen, she was with Rob, but Rob went back and I never heard the end of the story. He and I have never spoken. I think maybe he's weirded out by me, and I don't mind avoiding him.

She kind of glossed over it. "After Rob went back, this chick became Gary, and she wasn't into the fake marriage thing... I tried to explain it was a good deal, but whatever, he was a bitch inside. We got a divorce - Gary and Karen had a prenup so it was no big deal. But that meant goodbye to the fabulous lifestyle, hence looking for new work. Last I heard he was dating some woman."

"Oh that sucks, I'm sorry to hear that."

"I've dated around a bit, but nobody I wanted to stay with, y'know? Too many awesome guys out there to stop looking and settle down."

I wanted to argue a bit, since I've been with Alex nearly a year now, there's something to be said for stability. But I guess when you grow up being Tori, you might take for granted that someone's always going to want you, so you can treat your boyfriends like disposable accessories. I, on the other hand, was alone for so long... well let's just say I'm glad I found Alex. Tori and I just have very different takes on dating, probably because she grew up looking like she did, and I grew up looking like I did.

I let her have the run of the apartment while I ran some errands. When I came back, she was in my room, going through my clothes, with several combinations laid out. She had looked over everything, from sundresses, miniskirts and blouses, to jeans and geek tees. I wouldn't call myself a neat freak, but I was kind of unnerved by it. But you want to be careful about saying "invasion of privacy" to someone who used to live in your body, so I kept quiet.

"Wow," she said, "You've bought so much stuff since I left."

"Well," I kind of blushed, "I did work at a garment store for a while, and I had to take advantage of the discount."

"Yeah, is that where you got all that lingerie?" she said with a wicked smile. I told her after spending most of my life as a guy, it was a treat to get to see a girl dressed like that. Even if it meant squeezing myself into a corset because I went through a Victorian phase when I was 15.

It was embarrassing that she saw all the frilly underwear I own, because I think she was probably trying to imagine me as a guy secretly wanting to wear all this stuff. It was another thing when she added "Yeah, plus I bet a lot of my old clothes don't fit you anymore."

Okay, reality check. I've put on, depending on the time of month, 10-20 pounds since I was her. I don't eat like I did when I was a guy, but I also probably don't eat like she did. A lot of her old clothes actually do fit me, but I don't wear them because I never felt comfortable in them, and as time went on, more and more of my clothes became stuff I picked for myself. Last time I checked, I really like the way I look.

I don't know why it bothered me. I didn't say anything about it at the time, but I really should have. Later that night, after her audition, we all had pizza - her, me, Raine and Alex, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I ate less than I usually would.

I filled the questions about how we met by vaguely stating it was on vacation a couple years ago. Karen grilled Alex, asking him questions about how we met, why he liked me. He seemed put off by this strange woman interrogating him, and I tried to intervene, but she was pretty forceful. Raine told me later she really didn't like Karen, which amused me. Beyond that, she talked about herself a lot, like she was trying to impress Alex. And being on TV, traveling, and doing the odd press junket is fairly impressive, but Alex, thankfully, seemed hardly won-over.

After we set Karen up with some blankets on the couch, she took another little dig at my appearance: "Don't you use moisturizer? You're going to look tired in the morning."

I laughed a bit and said "I'm going to BE tired in the morning."

I crawled into bed with Alex. He wrapped his arms around me and started kissing me. I needed to feel better after some of Karen's comments, but I felt embarrassed if we started to get hot and heavy, so I whispered to him "Can we be quiet tonight?"

"We can try," he said, slipping his boxers down to his ankles. And that really was the plan, but I think all that criticism had made my lady parts extra sensitive, because the moment we got started I let out a high-pitched squeal. And the more I tried to suppress it, the louder I wanted to scream. I ended up with one of the top five female orgasms of my life, and I don't even always get them. "Keeping quiet" obviously meant trying to go slow, which I definitely... appreciated. Except it it clearly didn't work, and before long I could feel my body urging him to go faster until we were going at it like careless teenagers. The next morning, when I came out for breakfast, she (already dressed and made-up) said "Sounds like you a hell of a time last night."

Instead of letting her tease me, I joked "This body has a lot of allergies. I was sneezing all night."

She laughed, "I wish my sneezes felt like that!" She then came closer and said "Hey, you wanna hear something weird? Raine's having a secret affair. I heard them phone-fucking last night."

"Yeah," I said, "I've heard her sneak someone out a few times, but if she doesn't want me to meet him I won't ask."

"It was so annoying. I was trying to get to sleep, and all I could hear was Danny, Danny! And then you two..."

"Huh, the guy's name is Danny?" I didn't mention the only Danny I knew of was the gay one, from Tori's old high school. She might not want me to mention him, given some of the stuff she wrote about him in her diaries, and how he just drops out of it after he came out, it might be a sore spot. Besides, there's plenty of Dannys in the world, right?

Sorry this is taking me so long to write... I'll finish it up later!

Tori: Space and Time

It's been a bittersweet couple of weeks, ever since I found out I was getting laid off. I was hoping to find a different position in the newly-merged company but the boss couldn't find anything for me. There were also a few other layoffs in other departments as the new owners merge duties. Alex, luckily, is safe.

I've been furiously applying to every job I can that I think I might be qualified for. IT, Systems, Data Entry... even a few secretarial jobs. Nothing so far. I don't like the idea of being without money. I've saved up a lot, but I still have rent and groceries and cost of living, even if having a boyfriend does give you a bit of leeway, I don't want to be dependent on him. If I'd known I was gonna be out of work, I might've reconsidered a few of my recent expenditures.

Back in February, I dyed my hair. I was Supergirl for Halloween, and completed the outfit with a blonde wig. Alex said he really liked the look, and the idea kinda took root (so to speak.) Every so often I'd pull the wig out just for him and then I'd think "I do look good with light hair... why not?" It's my body, I can make this sort of decision. Girls do it all the time. It's like if I was a guy and I decided to grow out a beard. Hardly irreversible.

Expensive, though. Since I'm naturally dark-haired, I went to a salon and paid a pretty good sum. The results were worth it, though. People who've known me "my whole life" were shocked by the new look, in a good way. I've always felt good about my looks as Tori, but suddenly I was a new woman, with a new confidence.

Only now, sadly, my roots have been growing in and if I want them done I'll have to do it myself. Which is funny because theoretically, Tori is a trained hairstylist but I am really not comfortable taking this into my own hands.

Which leads me to my next point, which was brought up in a comment on my last post. One of you fine Anons mentioned it was maybe time to start thinking about moving in with Alex. I had kept it pushed out of my mind for a long while, because we were already co-workers. Moving in together would mean that literally my entire life would be based around him. And I love him, and I still get butterflies when I look in his eyes or hold his hand, but I worry what it means to put your entire life in someone's hands. It's not like I think we're ever going to break up, but as much as I love him basing my entire life around my relationship has never been my style... until now.

I like having my own place. I like having somewhere I can get away and just hang out with my best friend, and where my boyfriend is still just a visitor. The past few years were such a string of changes that I wasn't even thinking of boxing my life back up and moving again.

It's making more and more sense. Now that we won't be carpooling, we're probably going to be spending more and more time at his house or mine. I'm feeling less like I have secrets I need to protect, not just about my past but about who I have become, the girl he's dating. He's seen pretty much the whole show. He's laughed at my lame jokes, put up with the way I sprawl out on the bed sometimes, even seen me without shaving my armpits. Why do I need my own room?

It's getting harder to answer that question. I don't think I'm there yet. Last week I had a late night chat with Raine about it. She was letting her "visitor" out, and I decided to get some water, so we ended up talking for like an hour. I asked her how she would feel if I did decide to move out.

She said she'd deal, but I could tell she was a bit disappointed. With Sara getting married this fall, and me in the best relationship of my/Tori's life, she's maybe feeling like her life is stalled.

I tell her not to worry. I can hear her sneaking the same guy in and out a few times a week. It's weird to me, though, because she's really never been shy about her hookups before. All she tells me about him is that I probably shouldn't ask, but there's not really a future. I wonder if that means he's married, or has some other defect. I choose not to push for further info.

In time, I think, I'll be ready to make the leap and move in with Alex. The nice thing about getting younger -- hey, I'm only 25! -- is that I feel like I have all the time in the world to make this work. I want to be sure that, if I do, it's because I feel it's the right time, not because I want to save money.

Tori: Bad day.

Did you ever have one of those days you just knew was going to suck? You stub your toe getting out of bed, you get shampoo in your eyes, you feel fat, your coffee tastes like rust... and before anything's really happened you've made up your mind to hate that day?

I have to be careful when I have a day like yesterday. I work with a bunch of guys and if I show up to work in a huff or seeming short-tempered, I know what they'll say... they'll think it's because of PMS or hormones or whatever they think goes on in a woman's body. I can't just be upset for normal reasons, but today, after the hot water ran out in my apartment and my boyfriend was late to pick me up, I was starting to get a bit edgy.

But I was keeping calm and rational right up until I got summoned to the boss's office. See, Alex and I work for a small shipping company that handles mainly the Philly area. He oversees IT, I handle the warehouse database, overseeing all the comings and goings, basically ensuring everything winds up where it's supposed to. It's actually a lot of headaches for not a ton of pay, but I'm good at it and it sits neatly with my skill set. It's all part and parcel of the comfortable little life I've built for myself.

Last month, we learned the company was merging with a national chain. We were told this was not a big deal, that it was a management issue and they didn't acquire a whole company just to gut its staff. We were comforted by this, so I didn't think it was a big deal when the boss called me in.

He admitted that although they had said no big changes were on deck, a few key staff positions were being eliminated due to redundancy: specifically mine. The new boss' people were overtaking my duties after this month. He was really apologetic, saying he didn't realize this aspect of the deal affected me, and explained how pleased he was with the work I'd done and will gladly provide a reference and so forth. But I still felt like total crap.

I got home and I was in such a huff. Alex was trying to talk me down a bit, saying "At least they gave you this much notice, at least it's good terms" and blah blah blah. I don't want to downplay that they're doing it in a pretty nice way, but it feels crappy. And when I was ranting to him about it, I might have said more than I meant to... what I said was "I thought I was done getting my life jerked around by random forces."

That comment probably confused Alex... I guess I never realized how much I tied my life since the Inn with some problems I had before I became Tori, how I always felt like my life was defined by the actions of others and so much bad stuff happened to me because of chance rather than me doing anything. I've always felt sort of antsy about how much of my life wasn't decided by me, up to and including transforming into a girl. Having my job eliminated by someone who's never met me definitely counts. But Alex has never seen this, as far as he knows I'm not someone who blames the forces of he universe for all my problems.

I scrambled to explain to him that, (and this is at least part of it,) when I was with Buddy, I felt like our relationship hinged on factors beyond our control, as well as my tendency to go from job to job based on what was available (also true.) I don't think this was quite satisfactory to him, but it ended the discussion. I wasn't in much of a mood to do anything for the rest of the night. I stayed up editing my resume, drafting a cover letter, looking for job leads. After all the shit that I went through to get this job... I nearly moved to Houston for a job! ... I'm not looking forward to going through it again.

Tonight's St. Patty's day, though, so I feel like I should put on a good face. I've still got friends, I've still got a life to run. I'll put on the green top and get wasted and forget my problems.

Tori: Taking stock

I've been Tori for two and a half years now. I'm a sore girl. My left ankle and knee get pained sometimes from the fact that I still occasionally roll it when I wear heels. My wrists and fingers hurt more as a woman than they ever did as a man from typing. I threw out my shoulder one time from a particularly enthusiastic lovemaking session. Sometimes I wake up with a backache from the heft of my boobs, and when I get my period my breasts get really tender and sore, along with the usual cramping pain. Every so often I notice myself gaining a little pooch belly, compared to the flat tummy I had when I first became a she, when I'm not careful what I eat or when I neglect the gym. I'm still growing out my hair from when I cut it off last year, because even though it was low maintenance, I prefer it long.

I'm saying all this not to complain about my body, but because I love it. This body has changed a bit since I got it, and I've changed with it. And I'm not the only one. My little sister, Mae, was a cynical, introverted teenager who was resentful of her big sis and suspicious of everyone else. Now she's a beautiful, capable young woman who trusts me enough to confide things she can't tell our parents. I've moved in with my best friend, Raine, and seen my other, Sara, get engaged... to a guy she started dating when I first got here!

The biggest change happened just before Christmas. Well, that's not when it "happened," but it's when I found out about it. That was when my big brother Kenny, and his wife Jana (hey, I was a bridesmaid at their wedding!) announced they are three months pregnant. I'm going to be Aunt Tori.

I'm amazed. I'm thrilled. I'm gonna be such a cool aunt. It's incredible to see these people maturing before my eyes, a life I was dropped into almost at random and hit the ground running.

And then there's me... shedding so much of my old life wouldn't have been easy if I didn't feel like I fit so well in this one. And it didn't always fit and there was a time, I'll always remember, there was a time when I wanted nothing more than to go back, and now there's nothing I'd want less. I'm comfortable. I see everyone I know getting on with their lives, and for a second I think there's more I could be doing, but I remember that secretly, unbeknownst to everyone in my life, I have built an entire life in three short years. I'm proud of myself. I'm also proud that I found someone like Alex.

Alex, oh, Alex. I told you I love him. I never expected, even if I could "put up with" being in a relationship with a man, that I'd fall this far, but he's exactly who I want to be with. More than being smart and funny, he seems to "get" me... as much as I can be "gotten." He knows not to push things I don't want to talk about. He goes along with my sometimes inexplicable moods. I never thought this as a guy, but there are people who truly see us for what we are.

Geez, I just read over this whole thing and it sounds so cheezy. Seriously, this is why I don't post much anymore. It's wonderfully domestic, but it doesn't make for exciting reading.

Tori: No. Just no.

I'm really flattered you guys haven't forgotten about me. Every so often I read a comment asking about me and it makes me want to write a big post updating you on my life. But the sad truth is there was not a lot to update you on. Working, dating, living, being me... I felt for a while it was nice to step back and stop using this blog to explain to myself that it was okay to be okay with my life, that nothing about it was new anymore and it was good to get comfy and go along with the ride. I said it was the sad truth, but it's also the awesome truth. I've gotten to a place I've never felt in either of my lives.

Alex-- that is my boyfriend Alex, not Greg's current body -- is exactly what I've needed in my life. He's really stable. After a long settling-in period, we got really comfortable with each other, learned each other's needs and wants and now we're jsut so... I don't wanna say perfect, but like I said, stable. It's just so awesome to have someone to throw my arms around at night.

I realized over the Holidays that I love him. We were having dinner with my family, and I don't know, he was just kidding around with dad and I was just watching him, being so cute and I thought "I love this guy. This is real."

Then I got scared. I haven't said that to anyone in years, and it was not like this. I contemplated saying it to Buddy, but we were way off base on that. There were risks here, too, though. It was laying my feelings bare to a man who means the world to me, and it was admitting to myself how badly I needed him in my life. How much of a woman I wanted to be for him. Before I could say it, I tried to forget I ever wasn't Tori. I thought that would make it easier, but it was impossible. There's still baggage there. There's still this feeling that I'm lying to him just a little bit, even as every day passes and makes me more Tori and more his.

So I dove in and told him. Christmas eve. It was a beautiful night and we were out for a drive and we stopped at a gas station. He got out to fill the tank and I was sitting in there waiting for him, when something just grabbed me and made me leave the car and walk over to him. The look on his face before I said it, so clueless. I just took a breath, watched the steam come out of my mouth and said it. "Hey. I love you."

It was a really gutsy move, since if he didn't feel the same way, it would have wrecked the ride home, maybe even Christmas.

He just smiled and said "I knew that. I love you too."

I felt my legs turn to rubber. I nearly fell on him. Even remembering that moment now takes my breath away. I threw myself into his arms and we kissed. He pulled the pump from the tank and we hurried home.

And for a while it was bliss. Waking up in the morning thinking about how in love I am will do that.

Then in January I got this e-mail.

It was a long e-mail. It was apologetic. It had a lot of details about the last few years and why certain things happened the way they did. It was from Willy Taylor, and the gist of it was "I'm going back to Maine this Summer, and if you'd like, you can have your real body back."

Uh.

My "real" body?

I was gobsmacked. My life is so full of hanging threads, I thought this would never come up again. I just assumed Willy had gone off with my old body and was happy with it. But somehow, now, he's decided he's ready to "give it back?" Like I should be grateful for the chance to be that person again? Like being Cliff would be better just because he as a penis?

I didn't even think of it. I didn't even reply! Every time I tried I just got so outraged my fingers couldn't stop shaking. I don't want to go back, but that doesn't mean the hurt has gone away. That feeling of utterly sinking away from myself after he first told me he wanted another year with my body (which turned into TWO by the way) will always be with me. And even though it allowed me to become the person I am now, it still hurt like hell and he can't make that better. It wasn't even malice. It was just insensitive. I don't know what I'd even say, other than "No thanks."

How dare he re-open that wound? After that e-mail I went back to where I was a year earlier, second-guessing everything, falling out of "character" with this cloud of "Cliff-ness" hanging over over me. Every time I seemed upset about something since then, Alex could sense I needed to be comforted, but he never pushed too hard for information. He's there for me. He's so good for putting up with my nonsense. And so trusting not to ask questions I don't wanna answer.

I don't know what the future holds, but my present is well in hand.

Tori: Hot and cold.

It's so strange that my life is continually working toward this phase where nothing about it is so strange to me that I need to blog about it. It's like when you're a teenager and you have all these new thoughts and feelings and you want to share them, but you grow out of it. I had to grow out of it twice. And now my life is headed on a track toward normal. Which is awesome.

I've been seeing Alex... which is weird to write since I've been reading about "Alex"-Greg... Alexis. Whatever he's calling himself lately. But of course my Alex is my Alex.

My relationship with him is the sort of thing I was hoping to have with Buddy. He's not as much of a geek as Buddy, but he has his moments and is very open. After some resistance, I got him to watch the sixth series of Doctor Who with me, and he loved it. Next we're gonna marathon Fringe. Also, while Buddy seemed uncomfortable with how tomboyish I can be, Alex says he really likes it, which is good because I'm still not the girliest girl in the world. He even laughed when he found out that on geek forums I tend to set my profile as "Male" just to avoid the usual suckiness of being a girl on the internet (getting accused of being an attention whore, which happens a lot.)

But a relationship can't just be lying together on a couch watching sci-fi, though. I have needs, guys. Womanly needs. Alex was taking it slow, though. I mean, I never had sex as a guy, but I know I always wanted to, especially when presented with a girl who looks like I do... or at least as good as I think I do. It started to bother me. The attraction was definitely there. I felt it. Through his pants, I mean.

But for whatever reason we were having trouble getting to that "rip your clothes off" level of attraction and I got worried. But how do you bring that up? "Why don't you wanna screw me?" I guess I could've made more of an initiative to start it, but I don't have any experience with that. Buddy was shy, but he was good to go. Alex was taking this "playing it cool" thing too far. We'd make out on the couch and I kept wanting to say "Let's take it to the bedroom" but the words never came out.

I started to worry that I really wasn't ready, even though it's been months since the break-up.

Then one day things got effed up at work. We have had some staff turnaround lately, and one of the new guys fucked up one of our databases and caused a lot of headaches for me, and by the end of the day all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and drink. So of course that was a night he was due to come over. I was already half in the bag when he came by, so when he came by I was really ready to deal with it... because I was naked in bed with half a bottle of wine. I was pretty much wearing a sign saying "JUST DO IT ALREADY!"

"Well?" I asked, after a few seconds of silence, "Are you ready or not?"

Quicker than you can say "SHAZAM!" he was naked and in bed with me and we started to fool around. It felt so good to finally let it happen. I remember my first time, I was so guarded and awkward and I just wanted it over with so I could say I did it... so I could say I did something. Since then I've really felt like it's an important part of my life. It's true that women think about sex differently than men, but it's not true they don't think of it at all.

So we're getting warmed up and I climb on top of him, ready to get the show on the road, when... stupid drunk me, I lose my balance and all off my own bed and injure my coccyx.

God, I swear this stuff only happens to me.

So, the idea of intimate activity was off the table for a few more weeks. And that was when Todd's band came to town. I'm not really a music lover and it was hard to drag Alex out on the premise that I knew these guys without giving the exact details how, but I don't know when or if any Inn people will be in Philadelphia soon.

I've only met them a few times before, except Alia, whom I barely know in her real body. Afterwards we went for a few drinks. Alex opted to leave early since he was going hiking with his dad the next day (which was news to me.) Apparently Bryan's broke up with the drummer a while earlier, so Todd went off with her since they're friends too. (That must get awkward.) That left me with Bryan and Alia, and Bryan wasn't in much of a mood to talk, so Alia and I caught up on girl talk. She's really proud of me for making strides in taking control in my life, and seemed to approve of Alex based on the brief moment they met. She wished she could have looked out for me more when we were both in Philly, but she did have her own "life" to worry about.

The next day, Alex and I had a bit of an argument, since he didn't like that I didn't go with him. I told him I never see these people and they're my friends (maybe exaggerating but I had to win the argument.) He's normally so easygoing, so this whole thing was weird... I think maybe he caught Bryan glancing at my chest a bit.

I told him he never gets jealous of anyone at work attempting to flirt with me. He said that's different since he knows those people and they know there's no chance. "But suddenly these dudes come out of nowhere, it's like there's this whole slice of your life I don't even know anything about and you won't tell me. I don't like the idea of some mystery from your past suddenly getting kicked up."

I take a breath and answer back, "Well, guess what. Guys look. I know it. I've dealt with that a long time. But 99% of the time they either don't try or they wouldn't get anywhere if they did. Hey, you silly bastard, don't forget you have first claim on these tits and everything else attached to them. You wanna look? I'll give you the tour." And I whipped off my shirt and unfastened my bra.

I basically argued myself into finally having sex with him. And oh, man was it hot.

So... this presents a problem. We've finally had sex after MONTHS of dating or kinda-dating, but it was after a fight without any real resolution. Am I gonna have to get angry at him every time I need some loving? Or are we going to be able to get over ourselves and just do it like normal people?

Man, I've never been a normal person, even before I was this person.

Tori: Dive in

It feels a little insensitive to be posting about my relationship while there are people now posting on the blog who are -- essentially -- me, two years ago.

But I'm not that person anymore, and I can't promise any of you will be in two years, and I certainly can't promise any of you will be where I am in two years. Truthfully, I hope you all get your bodies back, and that if you can't, well, you would be very lucky to enjoy your lives as much as I do mine.

What I'm saying is, if you're new to this... maybe skip this entry. I'm supportive, but I do live my own life.

And that life has taken me into the awkward early phases of my nice new relationship.

We fumbled a bit on the follow-up. I'm used to being the girl now so I just expected he would call me, and I kept having to remind myself "Okay, he's just waiting a few days," like all guys do. But I was hoping he would skip over that because we're friends already, we're close, we should be past that.

I mean hell, right? This isn't some blind date, this isn't meeting and flirting and playing a game of who can seem cooler and make the other one want you. Right? We should both know the deal. We're us. We should be solid. But somehow, we can't get around the communication difficulties.

So Raine, still house sitting for her parents, hosted the annual pool party. I invited Mae along, but she pointed out that Raine's younger brother was her ex, and that might not be a great scene. Fair enough. I let her have the apartment for the day. In the end it was a smart idea, because Ed was there with a girl and I didn't want to see Mae's reaction to that.

I had asked Alex along too of course, and he gave me a strange wishy-washy answer. It's always hard to get him to come out to events involving Raine, Danny and others. I don't know why. I try to incorporate him into the whole group of friends, but he's resisting. So just as I'm ready to get mad at him, he says he promises to show up, later.

This was an irritating compromise, but I went with it, muttering angrily to myself. It feels like there's still a lot I don't know about his life or what he's doing when I'm not around. I try to push that out of my mind, not to be a clingy girlfriend or anything but I have a right to know, don't I?

So I got there around 1 in the afternoon and spent much of the day snacking and lying poolside in my bikini, wishing I had a man to lavish attention on me while I fine tune my tanlines and people horse around in the pool, including much of our social circle, Sara and Thom, and a few people I should know better by now but haven't made an effort, people left over from the original Tori's life.

We drank, we ate, I avoided going in the pool because I wasn't having much fun and just wanted to relax. Eventually I got pretty drunk and fell asleep. By the time I woke up, it was sundown, everyone had moved inside to dry off and eat more.

Alone in the backyard, I decided to dip my toe in the pool. It was nice. I walked over to the diving board and leaped in feet first. Very refreshing.

I pulled myself out and did a few more dives. It was in the course of this that my bikini top came... untied. Maybe my dives were just too intense.

I decided, hell, I'm alone out here, why not? I fished my top out and slung it onto the pool side and began doing topless laps.

Just then, I heard the gate open, and who should appear but the man himself, Alex.

I immediately pushed myself up against the edge of the pool to coyly guard my bare chest. "Well look who finally decided to show up?"

"Just like I said I would," he said with a smirk.

"Why not dive in? Water's nice."

"Oh I don't know..." he said, "I just ate a few hours ago, and they say you're supposed to wait 12 hours after eating to prevent cramps."

I laughed, "I think you got that turned around."

"Maybe. Why are you alone?"

"I keep asking myself the same question, especially when I'm supposed to have a boyfriend."

"Ooh, good one."

"If you see him, let him know I'm waiting."

"Maybe he just doesn't like swimming."

"Does he likes these?" I asked and backed away from the wall to give him a peek.

"He does..."

"Then maybe he should come in and get a better look."

"Or maybe he could wait for her to come out..." and with that, he picked my bikini top up by the strings and flung it further away from the pool.

I screamed out, "You jerk! Now I'm never coming out."

"Well then you're gonna get all pruney."

Slowly, I pulled myself up onto the ledge and let him get a good look at me. "Happy now?"

"Much happier..."

"I can tell," I said, looking down at the bulge in his shorts.

I was shivering, so I pressed myself against him. As he went to kiss me, I held my hands against his chest...

And pushed him right into the pool. Shoes, jeans and all.

He stayed under for a moment, then when he finally surfaced, started splashing, crying out, "I can't swim, I can't swim!"

A moment of panic seized me and I jumped back in the pool. "Don't struggle!" I said, pulling him back over to the shallow end. "You can stand now. Is that better? Oh, God I'm so sorry."

"Yeah, yeah," he gasped. "I mean, don't worry... I was a lifeguard." He said with an evil grin.

"You asshole!" I dunked him down under the water. He struggled a moment, then started tugging at my bottoms. That was when I let go and raced over to the deep end.

He followed, unbuckling his wet pants and tossing them and his shirt over to the poolside area. When he came over to me, I was ready to stop playing. We started to kiss, floating in the water. With the water, he gave my boobs a really authentic motorboat. Things were going even further when I heard the back door slide open.

Raine appeared before us. "Sorry to interrupt... but there's big news. Thom and Sara just got engaged!"

I stopped what I was doing and pulled myself out of the pool. "Oh my God I'm so embarrassed, Raine would you hand me my towel?"

Without averting her eyes from me, she chucked a towel my way. "Jeez, Tori, such a show off."

I dried off and went in to congratulate it. It was such a weird moment, because I've known them and loved them since I became Tori, I've seen the entire span of their relationship... in fact, it was at Raine's house that I walked in on them having sex before they even had a relationship!

But for the rest of the night I was quiet. As much as I enjoy my life, I wonder what's going to happen down the road. Suddenly all the stability I thought I had was shaken up because I realize I can't go on like this forever. Tori's only 24, but I'm nearly 30 and I just... well I need to go back to enjoying what my life is like today instead of worrying about the future.

I was a bit quiet. I let Alex drive me home and asked if he wanted to come up. He declined, but I reminded him that having a girlfriend means you should want to spend more time with her. He said sorry for being awkward about it, and agreed to come up, but we didn't do anything by watch a movie on the couch and make out some. Mae was already asleep. He went home around 1.