In Canada I learned some valuable lessons, just not the ones I had hoped to learn. I arrived with the hope of becoming an expert at living somebody elses life only to leave with the warning that if you're not careful the inn could turn you into somebody who doesn't care at all. Now I'm left trying to figure out the balance on my own. One thing I did learn and decide on probably before even going up there was clear: I was going to have to end my affair with Annabelle.
Yesterday I told her to meet me for coffee at Starbucks, which is something we never do. Normally we go out of drinks and neither of us goes to Starbucks ever. I did this because if there was a great big scene I didn't want to be known as "the girl who fought her girlfriend really loudly" at a place I frequent.
She was there first, sitting at a table sipping on some frozen coffee thing. When she saw me she held it up.
"This is terrible. Why did you want to meet at this place again? she asked
"Change of pace" I said quickly sitting down
"Whatever" she said "You arent going to believe what happened at the gym while you were in Canada--" she began
"We need to talk" I interrupted, feeling nervous and awkward. My abruptness made her face change, alerting her that something was up.
"Go ahead" she said nervously
"We need to stop....doing what we've been doing. Sleeping together. Sharon and I are going to try to patch things up" I figured that was true on several levels and a great rationale.
"She's gonna treat you like garbage again. You'll just fight more. You two have really grown apart lately" she told me as if I should know already.
"I shouldn't have cheated on her" I began "When I should have been working on my marriage I stepped out of it and I shouldn't have involved you. It just happened because we were such close friends. You really meant a lot to me these past few--"
"Spare me" she said in a voice that was both angry and sad "It was just sex to you. She was holding out on you and you got hornier and hornier, I could tell. I knew where it was going all I had to do was wait for you to say yes."
I hung my head. That was a little surprising. She was pretty intuitive. "I'm sorry I used you" not even bothering to defend my actions anymore, just wanting the moment to be over.
She sighed and shook her head "It's college all over again"
That remark confused me, and I called the real Alexis today to tell her what happened and got the back story. Apparently Alexis and Annabelle were floormates their freshmen year in college. They met on the first day and within a week came out to each other. This was 10 years ago or so when it wasn't as cool to be gay as it was back then, so they went to a lot of student organizations together and relied upon each other for support. Apparently Annabelle developed a crush on Alexis.
Alex always knew but didn't love her like that so they just stayed friends. Eventually Alexis and Sharon became friends and a couple months later Sharon came out of the closet and they lived happily ever after and Annabelle in the friend zone.
Until this year, when her old crush has marital troubles and looks to her for friendship and advice and eventually more. Getting her hopes up only to pull the rug out a few months later. So yeah, I messed up this woman's life.
I stood up and paid for her coffee. "Its probably best if we didn't hang out for awhile" I said quietly and she agreed. It wasn't what I wanted, but the level of awkward between the two of them and the healing required is going to be longer term than I'm able to do since I'm leaving Burlington in August. The real Alexis can start the road to friendship again when they're ready.
I left the Starbucks thinking it went well, but no sooner had I pulled down the street in the Ranger Rover than I started to tear up. I tried to keep my emotions in check while driving but when I got home Malinda wasn't there which was good because I ran up to the bedroom, buried my face in the pillow and started sobbing.
I was the one who had messed things up, so what right did I have to feel so bad? This wasn't even the first time I have broken off a relationship in another person's life, I did it last year when I let my friend with benefit down easy. This somehow felt different. It wasn't just sex to me. Annabelle was a good friend to me and my my transition into this life easier. We started having sex not because I was so horny, but because we were close enough to be intimate with each other.
In another life, I could see Annabelle and I together. Of course not my old life, I'd have to be a lesbian in that life too, just not married to another woman. It was like getting a glimpse of finding out what the life would have been like before having to give it up not because of my relationship with her, but because of my body's relationship with someone else, hurting us both in the process.
I cried a little at work today but I'm slowly getting over it. Is this going to be a yearly occurrence? Am I going to get attached to someone only to have to say good bye? Is that why Fletcher is such a douche, becuase he's spent a few decades not being able to connect with somebody long term?
As usual with the Inn, ever answer brings three more questions
Post a Comment