I should post here more. I'm seeing a lot of Tori on this blog and I envy her ability to open up to you guys. Whenever I have a personal problem lately, which is always, I just hold it in. But hey, a lot of people have the password here and you don't see them, either. It makes me wonder.
I can't wait to be done high school. I don't fit in and I don't belong and I don't want to. But what comes afterward might be worse because I have to make decisions. If I decide to go to college, then that's it. I'm in it for the long haul. I AM Ellie thanks to a hefty student loan that I can't just dump on someone else, and a decision to move away and major. It would be so irresponsible to start down one path only to go back to the Inn later, which I don't trust myself not to do.
My only decisions in the past were just based on the need to survive. Being able to look at my options and choose a path... that's frightening to me.
So hopefully you won't blame me for needing to blow off a little steam.
I answered a Craig's List ad a few weeks ago. I don't think there's anyone at school I would want to date, any open-minded girls that I could introduce myself to at the end of my last semester. I wasn't really looking to date, anyway.
So I found this woman. 38 years old, never married, recently came out of the closet, looking to dip her toe in the water. Before she sent her pic I was expecting someone rough-looking, but she looked like a very proper lady, a realtor with her hair perfectly combed and make-up done well. I explained what I could about my situation, that I felt uncomfortable at school, that I needed someone who might understand me better. She said she felt like she did.
We arranged a meeting. I got my "dad" to drive me over, because I wanted the safety of knowing someone knew where I was, and he was the only one I could trust. If he disapproved at all, he didn't say.
When she let me in, she smelled like she had bathed in perfume and really spent time perfecting that hair and make-up. She had stuffed herself into a little black dress and nylons. I was wearing jeans and a cardigan. I didn't know which one of us should be embarrassed.
She was drinking wine, but didn't offer me any. Maybe she didn't want to offer alcohol to a minor, but considering the way the rest of the night went, it probably wouldn't matter.
She smiled at me. "I'm not sure how to begin this. I don't want it to be weird."
"It's not weird," I insisted, trying to convince myself. "I liked e-mailing with you. You seem like you get me."
"I do get you," she agreed, "You remind me a lot of myself at your age... lost and uncertain. God, if I'd known then what I know now, so much time I wasted."
"It's not important,." I said, "It's never too late to start again."
"I hope so." She stretched her arm out to put her hand on mine. "The real question is, what does a girl like you want with a woman like me?"
"We're both... new to this," I said, "We can both learn together."
She leaned in, and I leaned in, and eventually our lips touched. We started to move together, breathing in deep, letting our hands find differed parts on the other's body. I ran my hands up her hips, she placed hers on my back and leaned me back. Her legs straddled me as she lay on top - which didn't seem fair as she outweighed me by a lot, but I think that was the point. I could barely breathe, but I was so caught up in the moment I didn't think about it.
We made out for a while. Before long, her hands were everywhere, teasing the lining of my top and the button on my jeans, feeling out the soft flesh of my midsection. And I did the same, running my fingers over the flesh of her shoulders, under the strap of her bra and over the tops of her breasts.
She moaned. Throughout the whole thing she moaned theatrically, I could hardly take her seriously after a while. Before long, I was undressed, naked and frail beneath her and she still had her dress on. She kissed my breasts and I unzipped the back of her dress. I needed her help with her bra clasp - she had unfastened mine with a single motion, and I was gritting my teeth trying to get hers off. It almsot broke the mood. Almost.
She slipped her fingers powerfully into me. I moaned and again, she moaned with me, as if she was deriving as much pleasure. I wanted to tell her to shut up and just go through with it, but I didn't say anything. While she kissed and petted me, I played with her breasts and tried to ignore the excessive scent of her perfume.
She led me to her bedroom. Standing in the light, I saw her body in full for the first time, seeing the cellulite on her legs and ass, her saggy breasts... I thought to myself, "It's okay, she's a regular woman, she looks pretty good for her age!" I hate feeling shallow.
In the bedroom, she laid me down and it was back to the routine, pawing and tonguing at me. She had me use a vibrator on her, and she tried to get me to use it too but I declined. I watched her finish herself off, and I wondered if she was just putting on a show or if she really enjoyed it this much.
When it was over, she wrapped her arms around me and I rested my head on her breast. She asked if I had enjoyed myself, and I said yes, which was half-true. It was far from the best sexual experience I've had, but it was nice to at least be with someone. She asked if I was ready for another round soon, and I said I had to go home and sleep.
I walked through the living room, gathering up my clothes. She appeared in the doorway and sid "Stop... I just want to remember you this way." Naked, she meant. I paused for a moment before putting on my underwear.
I texted for "dad" to come pick me up, then she walked me down to the lobby. I stayed quiet while she talked about what a good partner I was and how she'd love to get together again soon. I said I had a lot of homework so it might be a few weeks. Inside, I felt embarrassed and frustrated that I hadn't enjoyed it more: she was attractive enough and eager enough. I wanted it to just be a primal satisfying of needs, not a complicated emotional thing.
She texted me a few times to see when I would be available again and I noncommittally texted her back, putting her off as long as I could. When we did meet up again, the results were as uncomfortable and I began to wonder what I was trying to do. I want to be with someone, but I don't think I'm up for tawdry affairs with women twice my (physical) age.
I think I'm just somebody who's not going to be able to find love, at least not for a very long while... I need someone who has had similar life experiences to me, which is nobody, really, but I think I'd at least like someone who is in my physical age group. Someone who's as uncertain about herself as I am.
She kept texting and I kept putting her off, and then she finally got the message. I have a lot of work to do for the end of the semester, anyway.
It's amazing that you could develop any relationships at all, with all the body-switching. So don't be too hard on yourself. This is a rough time for any normal girl; for one in your situation, the stress (whether you realize you're under stress or not) is tremendous.
"I should post here more."
Yes, you should. Please.
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