Friday, August 23, 2013

Tori: Another night in.

After my last few attempts at dating, it feels like the universe just wants me to be alone.

I like to think I've grown, that I'm strong enough now that I won't date people just to keep from being alone. Part of me views solitude as a waste of a good body and youth - a return to old habits, comfort and extreme introversion. But for years I was so caught up with the men in my life that I almost used the mas a distraction: I became a girlfriend so I wouldn't have to learn how to really be Tori on my own. Now I am, and I look over at my closet and think "I could put on something sexy and go out and meet boys," and instead I think "Nah, let's have a Netflix night instead."

Raine came back from her trip a while ago, and we've been bonding. She's eager to get back into the dating game so I've been drafted into the wingwoman role, but I'm not overly comfortable with that. Dudes use wingmen because they're uncomfortable or insecure (I speak from experience) and Raine doesn't have that problem. Really, she just doesn't want to go out alone. I guess that makes her feel too easy or something. Not that I judge.

But there's something in the back of my mind... the "real" Alex (or maybe he wasn't the real one!) who dated Raine while in the body of our gay friend Danny told me he'd be back to try to get a second chance with her. I'm not sure how I feel about that, to be honest. For all I know he's a good guy (really, what do I actually know about him?) with honest intentions, but he's still involved with those Agency people, the ones who "my" Alex worked for. To my knowledge he hasn't made his return yet, and I doubt he'll make himself known when he does. I feel better off not knowing. It's better than lying. But that just makes me paranoid.

At least I've got Sara to talk to. Weird to think of her living up there in Buffalo, in the body that used to be mine. S/he's grateful, I think, to have me to talk to about her experience (and the feeling is mutual.) Especially now that Thom/Randi... well.

He went back, without her.

I told them what I knew, and I tried to convince them it was not a great idea, that they were basically walking into it. They had a disagreement over how to handle this information. He went, she stayed. We haven't heard from him since. Thom, that is - I say "him" even though the last time I saw him, he was a she. Now who knows what he is.

"I'm worried sick," Sara told me, "The fact that he hasn't even reached out to me is really worrying."

I wish I had words to comfort her, some assurance that he was in a good way, but I'm just as freaked. When I was spilling my guts about all my paranoid theories about the Agency or whatever, part of me really did not want to believe it went that far. Now, though...

Maybe a night out would do me good. Clear my head.

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