Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Cal / Angie: Outsider

I hope you don't expect me to start telling any stories like James. He can have all the fun he wants. I'm not in the mood. I work and work and work some more, and when I get home, I just shut myself up in my room and stay quiet, lie still, sometimes cry. I still find it all so frustrating.

Not the being a girl thing. I don't love it, but I can live with it. I hate that I can live with it, at least parts of it, but it's the whole package. The add-ons. Being Angie.

If I could, I'd quit her job. I hate it, and I'm not good at it, and I think people notice. My co-worker Dave definitely thinks it's odd that I've lost my knack for talking up the new holistic products, my "enthusiasm for life." Like somebody ripped my spirit out. And I can't tell him that it's because somebody literally did just that. I don't believe in this hippie stuff, I believe more in science and actual medicine. It's one thing to sell someone a dreamcatcher because they think it's cool-looking. It's something else when they say they totally feel it focussing their consciousness when they sleep.

But can I really make a decision like that? Part of me thinks it's smarter to gut it out for 6 more months, even though I'm pulling my hair out. Finding a job isn't impossible, and if I do it right I can quit on good terms and keep the door open for Angie to get her job back when she returns. And despite the hippies being supposedly chill, I can see their eyes drift downward to my chest. But I guess I'd get that anywhere. The good news is that their focus returns to my face when they realize there isn't anything special there. Not nothing, just nothing on display. I just realized over the last few months that as a guy, I totally had that reflex, but as a girl not so much.

I do sometimes check girls out. Not necessarily the way I used to when I was a guy (boobs-face-boobs,) but I watch girls, look at their face, watch their eyes as they shop with their boyfriends, watch their hips sway when we're playing folk music or whatever. I get a little angry. I see the boyfriends glancing around at other girls and I get angrier, especially if it's at me. I feel like I'm completely outside the boy-girl dynamic now. And it's so lonely here.

David asked me out. I turned him down, obviously... I was so embarrassed and even hurt that he didn't just want to be my friend, because I guess guys and girls can't be friends like that. I know I didn't have any "just friends" girls, and that's another fact I'm embarrassed about. I tried to be nice about it, but now there's that
awkwardness. I don't want to be around him. He's so nice, but now everything's changed, wrecked. Every time I see him I see the guy who probably had fantasies about me, and he probably sees me as the bitch who turned him down. He seems less interested in me now, just short of being outright mean to me, but it's still immature. I should probably just get out of all this.

1 comment:

Trish/Robbie said...

For what it's worth, I don't think it's impossible for guys and girls to just be friends... and I thought this before I was a guy, too.