Some nights I look over at the Boyfriend and I wonder what I'm doing.
He's fine, I'm fine with him, but I'm not nuts about him like I'd like to be. He's good enough company, and the sex has gotten consistent, but there's always a catch. He doesn't love to go out, so we've settled into this really easy routine that appeals to the introvert in me, but makes me a little restless. When I was a guy, I was probably like him, but from this angle I can see why women might not have liked that... and I've changed so that I like being out with people. He says "Go ahead, I'll be here" when I broach the idea of hanging out with my friends, and I feel guilty. We're stuck in this "three dates a week" period, when in other relationships by now I've been eager to see a guy every night of the week.
I try to incorporate him into my life more... we bicker about stuff like that, and I tend to relent since we're both after the same thing. I think about breaking up with him sometimes and trying my luck again, but I just don't have the energy to get back out there... I'm getting some action, why mess with the system?
At the same time, how many times can I convince myself to try to make it work before I give in? Am I just going to settle?
A few weeks ago we had that little blow-up about me leaving some property at his place. Then the issue sort of came back up again the other night when he mentioned his lease was up in November. He's on the outs with his roommate - they work opposite hours so they're constantly tiptoeing around each other - and he doesn't love his neighborhood, and hey, I've got a two-bedroom to myself since Raine moved in with her boyfriend (my promotion allowed me to swing it but it's kind of tight.)
I didn't know what to say. A few weeks ago the guy didn't want me to leave tampons at his place, now he wants to move in with me? We haven't even known each other 6 months, and they haven't always been hot and heavy, you know? This is big.
My gut reaction was no... it's crazy, right? Too soon? But then I started going back and forth. Is this just me giving too much credit to my doubts? Just keeping him at arm's length, trying to preserve this awkward limbo of a relationship instead of going all in? Playing it safe instead of just facing facts that I'd rather be with some other hypothetical person?
I told him I'd think about it, but I was sure to mention it really felt too soon. He kinda sulked about that but tried to backpedal saying it was "just a thought."
What am I doing? I don't like him enough to move in with him, but I'm happy to keep sleeping with him? I let him wrap his arms around me and sometimes I just want to break free, and sometimes I want him to keep holding me forever.
I need a sign.