Saturday, October 25, 2014

Jordan/"Deirdre" - We're not a couple!

I just read Annette's last post, and, Christ, she leaves it looking like Benny and I are fucking or something. We're not. Period, end of story.

Still, it is kind of weird sharing a room with him whenever Kareena stays over. Part of it is because he doesn't exactly look like me any more. It's been two and a half months since he and Annette moved in, and he's actually stuck to the exercise regimen he set out, dropping something like thirty pounds. He doesn't look cut or ripped or anything, but his face has gotten a little narrower so that it looks a bit more like my brother's than my own at times. He doesn't have abs yet, but he also doesn't have man-boobs any more. His legs look totally different.

It's fucking unnerving, actually. It's been two and a half months. Figure another six or seven before we go back, and what will he - and then I - wind up looking like? I'll be myself again, but, not. I mean, I see him talking to girls in the park, and they aren't reacting the way they do to me. Annette says it's just sort of being in a transitional stage - that he looks non-threatening but there's a hint of something they like becoming visible. And while my first reaction to that was a pretty reasonable "screw you", I get really jealous seeing it sometimes.

Because, you know, I never really thought of myself as fat. I wasn't skinny, and tended to buy XXL t-shirts, but I always felt fucking normal. Those assholes who grunted when they stood up or overflowed into the next seat on the subway, they were fat, not me! But now I'm watching someone who looks like I should dropping the weight, and while on the one hand I tell myself that I could have done that if I did nothing with my day but run laps around Central Park, and I chose to do more important things, I want that body.

For myself. Not, like, on top of me or shit like that. I was kind of worried about that being the case at some point - I've read enough on this blog and talked to enough others who have switched sexes that I'm sort of bracing myself for my body betraying me on that subject, but I don't think it will be from looking at Benny. Just... Too fucking weird, right? No matter how much weight he loses, he's still going to look like me, and even if he or Annette or someone were to convince me that it wasn't gay, it would still be incestuous or something.

It's not just Kareena being around that has had us having to play house a little, though. Annette didn't mention it, but we might be watched.

The real Ravi doesn't post on here any more - he's right into being Gary - but he does email me, every once in a while, trying to get me to come down to Baltimore and join everyone in the "pretend I'm who I look like" thing. Not so much for a while - maybe he's started fucking that skanky ex and decided not to mess with it - but he emails me every once in a while to say what's up with Deirdre's family like I really care. If he's going to do that, he might think to include the private investigator!

For real. The four of us were coming out of a movie the other night and I had to piss because of Deirdre's tiny friggin' bladder (I'd already seen the bit at the end of Guardians of the Galaxy anyway), and some guy grabs my arm while I'm coming out of the restroom, saying that Deirdre's parents had hired him to track me down and bring me "home"!

Not an usher to be found as I started flailing and kicking at him, doing way less damage than I really should be able to, and saying something along the lines of how he couldn't do this. A few more people came toward the restrooms, but either turned away or decided to just mind their own business, at least until Benny showed up.

He didn't beat this guy up - even as himself, Benny may have worked out and gotten in shape, but this asshole did it like it was his job. Still, he managed to disentangle us and stand in between, and when the guy repeated that Mr. and Mrs. O'Connell had hired him to bring their daughter back, he pointed out that I was a "grown fucking woman" who hadn't been kidnapped or anything like that, and if I wanted to be here, that was my decision. The guy asked if he didn't think Deirdre's parents were owed an explanation, and he said, sure, but that didn't mean they could send someone to collect. He pulled me in toward him, and I kind of didn't fight it, and by that time Annette and Kareena had shown up, so the guy decided to back off and probably report his progress to his clients.

What the hell is with people thinking they can kidnap me just because I want to live my own life the way I want? I wrote an angry email back to Ravi when we got home, and he said I should be telling this to "my" parents, but what if they take that as me attempting to "reach out"? At any rate, I've got my eyes out to see if this guy is still watching me or Benny or anyone, and I really hope I don't have to rely on him coming to my aid again like that. It was weird. - Jordo

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