It began with a DM (and I don't mean Daryl/Magda, haha...)
A few days after my last post, as David and I were preparing to take our Christmas Holiday to Lena's Beach House in Florida, I got messaged on Instagram by a stranger asking, "Are you Valerie's photographer friend?"
I raised an eyebrow. I haven't done too much photography lately, only to keep Zack's client base up. I was enjoying it, and with Zack's help on photoshop I was pretty decent at it, but I didn't have the energy to go out and find customers, or the financial need thanks to Lena's bank account. I was also pleasantly surprised to hear that Tyler/Valerie and I were "friends" but I really wasn't sure why she was shopping me around... but I was intrigued, so I answered, "Yes... who is this?"
"My name's Alexa, nice to meet you! (Val told me you might recognize the name hehe) I'm looking for a photog to partner with for my account."
Alexa -- as in Ryan's Alexa? As in the girl Tyler, like... cuckolded?? My better instinct was to stay the heck away, but my love for drama commanded me to pursue. It'd be like meeting a character from your favorite reality show. I told her I wasn't really available in December, but maybe... maybe we could meet up in the New Year. She said that would be fine.
After that, I started browsing her feed, and it made me almost wish I hadn't agreed to meet her, at least not without serious consideration. I started scrolling, and scrolling, and found myself mesmerized by this girl's... everything. Her face, her features, her body, her style. The part of me that's a girl was both jealous and impressed by her hair, her makeup, her clothes. But there's another part of me now... one that's more interested in the curve of her hips, that glint in her eyes in that close-up where she's looking over her shoulder... her coy smile, the seemingly perfect soft line of cleavage between her breasts. It was this simultaneous feeling of both wanting her life, and maybe... wanting her in my life.
I got this sinking feeling I was in trouble either way. I didn't know if I should be putting myself in a room with her. I mean, I know I'm strong, and committed, but why put myself in a situation where I'm going to be... like... lusting after a woman who isn't my boyfriend? (Boy, that's a hell of a sentence!) David is jealous enough, why give him a reason?
When David got home - seemingly tired and worn out from the office as always - I told him about it, I was very up front. Not about any attraction I may or may not have had to this girl, but about the job offer and how I had agreed to meet with her but was thinking of reconsidering. I showed him the Insta feed.
He raised an eyebrow. "Wow," he said flatly. "She's pretty hot, huh."
Like it was nothing. Like he couldn't recognize this, like, goddess on the screen. Maybe he's been desensitized by porn, or by being female.
Finally, after a bit more scrolling, he tosses the phone aside. "Yeah, you're not meeting this chick."
I raised an eyebrow - excuse me? Don't you trust me? Never mind the fact that she is also known to be in a serious relationship. We can handle ourselves. This could be a good project.
He says, what do you need a project for? Why can't you just do your own thing?
Suddenly, my resolve doubled. Why doesn't he just say it - he doesn't trust me with other women, or other men.
I said, who was he to tell me who I could or couldn't meet? And he said he was my boyfriend, that's who, and I said really because you haven't acted like it recently, and he says is that a crack about my manhood, and I say no it's a crack about your behavior - you don't act like we're in an kind of relationship.
He says, oh, me providing for you, giving you a place to live, buying all your meals, paying for everything, that's not enough? I say tell him it amounts to being a kept wo/man and it's boring and not emotionally fulfilling. He says if I'm bored I can leave anytime.
I almost did it. I was so angry - my summary really does not do justice to how I was feeling in that moment but I'm not interested in reliving it for the blog's sake, if that's okay.
For a variety of reasons, I didn't. Storming out isn't my style - I'm more a "stick to it and get it resolved" type, but that's very hard when emotions get inflamed. But for a few moments I was thinking, to hell with this, enjoy the rest of your life.
But we're stuck with each other. I can't leave him now, not like this, or else something really stupid might happen. have to watch over him. And yes, part of it is... I'm so embedded in his Lena-life I'm not sure I would be able to survive right now.
Not a great reason to stay in a relationship I guess but there you have it. I have faith that, when this is all sorted out, he'll be the person I love again. We got over the fight, although the core issue - my interest in meeting Alexa and pursuing a photography project - was unresolved. I had a sinking feeling I was going to let him have his way on that one, and I wasn't happy about it.
The next day we went to Florida. We had a few weeks to ourselves over the holidays. Our only obligation was Christmas Eve Dinner with Lena's niece and her fiance, which promised to be awkward, since what little family Lena has doesn't really know she's taken up with a 25-year-old. I asked if David wanted me to excuse myself for the night, and he said no - Lena's a grown woman, and nobody should judge her.
We had a good first few days frolicking in the sun. It was fun, but still very chaste. David wasn't comfortable showing too much skin, although I tried to convince him to get in the spirit of the vacation, while still dressing age-appropriately. We were walking along the beach and happened to pass a pair of women in bikinis. I didn't really look - seriously! But David let out a sight.
"What?" I asked, a note of irritation in my voice - I was prepared to be accused again, and rehash our fight.
Instead he surprised me, "Wish I looked like that."
I was puzzled a sec. "Like what. Her?"
I looked back at the woman - her bikini bottom riding up her well-toned butt. Then I looked at David in his modest, flowy sundress with the deep yet modest neckline.
"I mean, if I have to be a chick, why can't I... you know? With the perkiness and the curves and the... everything!"
In that moment, I saw how trapped he was. Men, and society in general, are conditioned not to see women above a certain age as having value... even ones who are wealthy as Lena Howard. Even if they have kept their looks as well as Lena Howard!
"You don't want her life," I said thoughtfully, "Yeah, she's hot, but she probably lives at the gym and counts every carb she breathes near. Doesn't drink, doesn't stay out late, constantly moisturizing. You should be happy."
"Well, wouldn't everything be easier for us if we looked like that?"
I raised an eyebrow. "How do you mean?"
He shrugged. "I'd feel sexier, you'd find me sexier..."
"I find you sexy," I said matter of factly.
He huffed, "How could you find me sexy?! I've seen you look at other women, and I don't look like them."
"I... don't know! I don't know how it works. But it's the same as being attracted to men, I think - you just... feel the spark."
"Oh, and you feel the spark?"
"I do! If you'll let me," I smiled.
He rolled his eyes. "You think all this is sexy?" he held out his arm and indicated some loose flab.
"I don't care about that. Everyone's got flaws, and you inherited an overall great body. Lena Howard is a beautiful woman, and you have a beautiful soul."
He fell silent as he considered what I'd said.
I asked, "Do you find me sexy?"
With extreme hesitation, he said "Yyyyyyyyyess....."
"So we don't have a problem."
"If you really found me sexy, you'd want to have sex more."
I rolled my eyes. "You're thinking like a man, honey. I respect your space too much to push you into it."
"So, you really don't mind that we've only had sex once in these bodies?"
"I didn't say I didn't mind. I said I respect you." I wrapped my arm around him and kissed the top of his head.
Next was the niece's visit. I'm sure Julie means well but she wasn't even prepared to give me a chance. She had her eye on me from the start, looking for reasons to criticize me as a partner for Lena. I was on my very best behavior, making great conversation, but she was uninterested.
Before the meal was even done, Julie laid into the both of us, me for supposedly using her wealthy aunt for her money, and "Lena" for not putting her money to better use. I was too annoyed to speak, but David got up in her face, saying it was none of her business what two adults did with their time or money, or bodies for that matter. Julie left in a huff.
The evening proceeded tensely, but I began to feel very warmly toward David again after that. There was my man, defending my honor. But he was also the woman who kept me at arms length. Or so I thought.
After dinner, we were watching a movie in the screening room. We're cuddled up nicely, it's a bit like old times. David has been using some of Lena's body washes and other products and the smell is really driving me crazy. I'm fidgeting trying to ignore what's going on in my pants. He's very still.
"You know..." he finally says, pausing the movie, "I feel like we're under the microscope. People are starting to talk, in Lena's circles. It's like, gossip."
"Really," I sighed.
"Yeah. It's not just Julie. It's people on the board who've seen me Facetiming you. It's people in Lena's clubs. I guess the secret's out."
"I mean, if we're already convicted... we might as well do the crime, right?"
He dashed off, as nimbly as a nearly 50-year-old woman could. With purpose, moving like I haven't seen him do since being Lena.
"David?" I called out, when he'd been gone for a few minutes.
"Hold on..." he called back.
I got up to search, but he must have heard me lumbering because he called out "Don't move!"
Finally, he called out "Okay, come to the bedroom!"
I made my way slowly over. This had to be a trick, right? Two days ago we were back to barely-holding-hands. And now?
I went to the bedroom. No David. The light in the ensuite clicked on.
He appeared, bathed in soft light from behind. He was dressed in a sexy black bra and lace panties. I've never seen him voluntarily wear anything like that.
"I bet you've been waiting," he said, putting on an eerie impression of a sultry, seductive voice.
"I've been thinking about this a lot," he said. "You like this, don't you? You think I'm sexy?"
"Um... yes," my voice cracked nervously.
"This will make you happy? This is all you want, isn't it?"
"Um... only if you do."
He took my hands and placed one of them on his breast and one of them on his ass.
"We've wasted so much time, Jenn. Make me want it. Make me like it. F*** me hard."
"Now, Jenn!" he hissed, planting a deep kiss on my lips.
"Are you drunk?"
"Haven't had a drop," he said breathlessly.
That was true as far as I knew - which is unusual.
"Why are you doing this?"
"Because our vacation's almost over and it will be back to the real world soon. And you deserve it."
"Okay," I said - still a little skeptical but starting to get "in the mood."
And then we did it. I climbed on top of him and he played his part to a "T", moaning and screaming, perhaps a little too vocally and graphically for my liking, but in the heat of the moment it really egged me on.
I mean, I could have done without him squealing "Oh my God I'm f**ing a guy!" But at lease he seemed to be enjoying it.
He must have liked it more this time, because it became a pattern. We found our rhythm and made love every night for the rest of vacation, and well into our return in January. He looks so good beneath me... and on top of me... and one time in front of me.
I haven't ended up meeting with Alexa yet, although it 's in the back of my mind. Things are just so good now that I don't want to rock the boat.
Which... is kind of stupid, when I say it like that.
Oh, man. I'm still in trouble.